I'm not saying that I LIKE this internal understanding that I need to simply let my love exist as it is while also accepting the evidence I have regarding the fact there is not currently enough foundations to build a relationship structure due to choices made in the name of the entire band and its place in his life and me not being welcome. But reality doesn't ask you to like it, it asks you to perceive it and when you have consistent repeating data points then the pattern will persist so long as the conditions of the situation remain the same. And I don't see what is within my choices to alter given: 1) I exist as I am and am not willing to sell out my ethical code or the sanctity of ALL free will choices 2) I will find no joy in anything created by the band nor feel welcomed to it so long as I'm ostracized excluded by them from their fans and they see no issues with having created and perpetuated that system of injustice 3) I cannot change or alter their boundaries nor will I cross them instead of respecting them in good faith even if I subjectively think they are unfair 4) The band is integral to his life and he has built his life around it and I won't compete I'll simply walk away and wish him joy of that which I am not welcome to be part of. 

So I accept that my love IS just the same as I exist and he exists and the bond exists. But I also accept that there are boundaries imposed by other and choices he has made and used to define his actions that have eroded all trust or possibility of relationship at this time without finding a way to repair/replace the broken trust.

And as long as that's true, there's no point in me investing my time or energy in building a bridge to nowhere that has no foundations to stand up to any new shocks. So I won't. And I won't expect anything but toxicity without healing and rebuilding what was broken nor will I expect anything to change as far as relationship building with him this life without concrete evidence and actions to build it upon. I will love him just as brightly and warmly as always and I will always wish for him the happiness he chooses for himself -- but I do so with no expectations that it be returned or that he will make life choices and actions that would allow for us to develop a lasting trust upon which we could build a healthy relationship. 

It's not mutually exclusive to love someone deeply with no expectations that they love you in return or they will choices/actions to have you be a part of their life. It's just not the way possessive love or competitive personalities or ego-driven defensiveness can exist. But then, I am none of those three things. And if you try to treat me as if I am, you will never provoke the reaction(s) you expect to your fear driven choices and exclusionary behavior patterns. I'll just look at you puzzled, shrug and say "That seems stupid to me but if that's what you want I'll respect your choices" and I'll go do something else with other people.You can't use fomo to try to entice me back across a system of ostracism because I don't feel I'm missing out on anything worthwhile -- everything you do on the other side of your imposed ostrakion is meaningless and empty and brings me no joy no matter what it is BECAUSE it is tainted by the pollution of the ostrakion. You can't win that way, all you can do is destroy any joy that it should have given me. And if there's no joy in it, then there's nothing for me to fight for or desire -- so I'll put my energy into the relationships where it is desired.

I will leave a door open for him to reach me if that's his choice, but don't expect me to seek or reach beyond that toward him. I can't make his choices for him nor will I attempt to dictate or control his actions. If he wants a relationship in this life, it's for him to heal and make right what was destroyed in his name and by his support of the choices made in his name. I'm not going to close all means of communication nor would I refuse to listen to him if faced directly with him -- but I'm not going to spend my energy in trying to build a relationship with someone whose choices and actions are to destroy the foundations needed to build a healthy supportive relationship. My energy will go into the relationships that are mutually desired and healthy in my life.  And my love for him will simply be, without a physical outlet in this life so long as choices made by him and for him exclude me from his life.

And I have plenty of relationships built on mutual trust and affection for me to pour my energy and love into. They needn't be romantic to be real relationships. So the relationships that need my energy includes staying up into the wee hours last night texting a close friend pictures of my dog and then letting them video chat even though my dog licking the screen kept ending the call accidentally because the apartment building next to hers was on fire last night and the friend couldn't go home was having a panic attack and wanted some puppy love to calm her and she knew if she asked me with no context as soon as I saw it I'd start spamming her puppy pictures until she could calm enough to talk to me about why she needed them. Because she and I have a multi year relationship of trust and affection shared in mutual choices and actions. 

*shrugs* My life has many relationships and many things in it that I don't share publicly or write about here. Mostly in the last several years I've used this space to try to come to grips with accepting both the love that is and the boundaries imposed by the choices of others on any relationship building. Because finding that balance has not ben easy. Even for me.