When your 15 year old Pisces pup follows you into the bedroom while watering house plants and asks if you can please lift her onto the bed for snuggles, you do it. You don't make breakfast, you just snuggle and kiss your little bear until she overheats and moves to curl up near you and sleeps and then you stay there bored on your phone because all the books are just out of reach. And now the dog has curled up across your legs sooooo we just live in the bed now, mkay?  

So that was my morning. And my afternoon. Because old dogs sleep a lot. (Okay, so I took a nap too as long as I was there.) Also my time with her is finite and so if she wants snuggles and I have nowhere I have to be, then let's spend the day cuddling pup. And the tea that I had made right before the dog wanted snuggles? Stone cold. Surprisingly, Nutcracker in NY green tea was surprisingly better than expected after letting it get cold. (One of the Churchill's seasonal teas that they still had in stock last time I ordered more tea back in January. I drink a lot of unsweetened high quality hot tea, though I loathe sweet tea as an abomination - I actually don't like the flavor of most water and I have an old lives distrust of water that hasn't been boiled or mixed with wine to kill bacteria. Like I KNOW with my head that we have sanitation systems now and I'm unlikely to get cholera or dysentery or giardia from my tap water, but there's something in my soul that still takes issue with drinking water that I didn't boil or mix with alcohol to make it safe. Old soul quirks.)  And then I took Audrey on an evening walk and the stars were out bright so I could commune with Sirius and Orion before me for much of our walk.   Moon wasn't out yet, but between yesterday's fresh snow and the streetlight and the stars, it was plenty bright for a walk. I should go make me dinner since it's already 9pm. Not sure I have the will or imagination to make anything too intense....so tater tots with Sriracha it is. And maybe some whiskey. I finished up all the Redbreast which means Jameson or stout edition cask finished Jameson, or opening the Green Spot to try. (Look, I like Irish whiskeys single malt scotches.  I've had some Japanese whiskeys I like but I've never had any American or Canadian whiskeys I liked, just ones that are tolerable and others that were awful. That includes bourbons. I find most bourbons too sweet and molasses textured, but I do like J Henry bourbon which is made from an heirloom red kernel corn that's been grown on their family farm since the early 1800s. I actually really really love J. Henry, though it's hard to find outside of Wisconsin since this is where it's made. Mostly though I like best my whiskeys from Ireland and my wines from France or Greece.)  I think I'll open and try the Green Spot tonight, it feels like a night for a really really good whiskey not just my everyday Jameson whiskey. Green Spot was recommended by the Howleys lads that for them it tastes like home and I've only heard good things about Green Spot and Yellow Spot whiskeys.... It's a single pot still Irish whiskey. Also I'll buy some more Redbreast soon, because it's my favorite favorite whiskey I've tried so far this life. So anyway. That was my day. watered my plants, snuggles with the pup after breakfast turned into all day cuddles, cold tea that was better than expected, a walk with the dog under the stars through the fresh snow covered world, and now I need to do something about dinner and whiskey and then I'm going to put some music on and light some candles and read for a bit. I don't know what music yet, probably piano music is what I'm most in the mood for. Not just because my cat only loves piano and my dogs favorites are piano and strings quartets, but my mood tonight is to want the moonlight on waves of piano music. That's how you should think of me tonight and how I filled my day today    How was your day? 

Also. I just wanted to say. The last few days and today most strongly of all, I have had the strongest desire to wrap my arms around Eric and feel him holding me and kiss him until he KNOWS that he is loved and there's no room in his head to doubt that. I can't, since he's not here in my life, but knowing with my head that I can't doesn't stop my heart from wanting it.  There's never a time, waking or sleeping, that I don't want to wrap my arms around him and kiss him until he can't help smiling and rejoicing with me that the moment IS and against all probabilities we get to share it. There's never a single moment I don't want that more than I've ever selfishly wanted anything this life. I lack opportunity to make it reality and I lack faith that I'm any part of anything he wants or chooses for himself this life -- but that doesn't change my desires. Just because I don't feel like he wants me or that there's a place for me in the life he has chosen doesn't stop me from WANTING to wrap my arms around him to make him feel my joy that he IS and it doesn't stop me from WANTING to kiss the corners of his mouth until he starts smiling every time I see him weighed down serious sad inside. I may have spent the last three years forcing myself to accept his choice that he stands by there being no place for me in his life and I'm neither welcome nor wanted even as a fan by the band he's built his life around, but that doesn't stop my wanting to make certain he knows and feels my love and joy that he exists and my wonder that against all odds and probability of time and space and population we were lucky enough to have our paths meet in this life.  Me wanting to hug him and kiss him and make sure he knows that his existence brings joy to my existence is just a part of my isness. It's one of those things like breathing and heart beats and sunrises and the tides, one of those unchanging rhythms of isness that is always changing but always cyclical repeats.  I don't know how not to feel joy that he IS or how not to feel wonder that against all probability we exist at the same time and have found each other in the seas of humanity - and feeling all that all the time, I don't know how to not want to express it to him physically by hugging him and kissing him. if I only had the opportunity so I could.... I can train myself that it would be wrong to act on because it's not what he chooses for his life and I need to accept his free will self-determination - but I can't make me stop WANTING to do it. And sometimes that desire to hug him and kiss him is extra strong and today is one of those times. Just is. 

And right now, my isness includes a strong desire to wrap my arms around him and feel him holding me and to kiss him until he can't help but smile full of light. To make him know all the things that I feel too deeply and intensely to put into words. I'd very much like to give him that.... I can't because he's not here and I'm not there. But still I want to make certain he knows my truth. That I'd share with him my joy he exists and how much wonder there is for me that against all numerical probability our paths found each other. If only I could. If it was something he wanted. 

Just like I won't knowingly lie to myself or anyone else about my experiences and how we got here, still I also won't lie about what it is I want. The wanting that nothing deters or dims, the wanting that is so interwoven a part of myself I don't know what my isness without it would be any more than I can comprehend what this life would be without the flow of my breathing and the rhythm of my heartbeat under my skin. That's the way my desire to share with him the joy that he exists and we found each other and the wonder that against all probability we exist together in the same time and place.