Well I never said that I LIKE feeling that there's no welcome for me in his passion project or place for me in his life due to the band he has built his life around - I've said that I've been fighting myself and my desires since October 28, 2018 to accept the choices that created the scenario where I'm excluded from everything he's built his life around and in August 2019 I accepted the defeat that he's okay with that reality of that system of inequality created/upheld in his band's name so the best thing I can do for his sake is to let him go, free him from me. I've hated every moment of it, I'm exhausted from fighting myself, to make me not fight for what I want but instead to accept his free will choices he made in August 2019 when I last ditch effort responded to his posts about going live on the band account and he gaslit ignored it just like when I had reached out to the band numerous times in every possible avenue of communication about it after they went indie and no longer had any external management controlling them and their choices. His indifference and failure to respond was the nail in the coffin led to me accepting that this path was his chosen course.... *shrugs* I still think it's important for me to learn from him what he truly wants, but I have no illusions or expectations that I may ever know that... I gave up hope that he might want what I want back in August 2019 - that's why I treated the Minneapolis show in Nov 2019 as my farewell to him/them and releasing could have been and should have been that had been destroyed in the choices made the year before... And when you're an eternal optimist and a hopeful romantic, it's really fucking hard to make yourself give up hope on something you've wanted for so fucking long because you have to respect the free will choices of other people and can't make their choices for them.... Don't mistake my acceptance of his choices and the choices made in the name of the band for a lack of emotions, lack of anger, lack of sorrow..... It fucking sucks and sometimes it's a fucking tsunami of strong emotions and I feel like I'm going to drown in them -- but those emotions don't give me any right to ignore the free will choices other people make for their own lives paths. I'm only free to make my choices, for my life path - and while I can choose to share that path with anyone I choose who chooses me, I also need to accept when other people choose not me, choose paths without me in their future. Which is what happened in this dynamic in October 2018 and again in August 2019.... It hurts, it's never really stopped hurting under that accepting that their choices are theirs to make not mine for them. Sometimes the only way I don't drown in the feelings about it Is by reminding myself that there will be other lives when he will be free of these attachments and he may choose me again and that I know how to survive lifetimes where our paths never cross or don't cross until too late -- I've recently had centuries of practicing that. Granted, they've mostly all been short lives across those centuries and I've made some questionable choices with my self-sacrificing martyrdom for a cause streak.... But I'm still not allowed back to France or Greece yet, so there are limits on what I'd die defending this life.
So anyway. I may hate it passionately, but I'll not disrespect his choices for his life path even if I'm disappointed that he doesn't want the future where we choose our shared life path together for this lifetime. But that's his choice, y'know? I'll keep choosing for me the life path that is most true to my ethics and desires and to serve my primary goal of making healthier and brighter for my touch upon it all that enters my life for whatever time remains for me in this life wherever that wandering leads me. And in my wandering, there will be a part of me that will continue to wait until he ever chooses to let me know what it is he truly wants for himself, in his own time and way. I won't be holding my breath for expecting it, but a part of me will always be waiting ready to hear it whenever he figures it out and chooses to share that. But I'll not force on him anything that isn't made by his own choices....
So I will read and write and sketch and paint and listen to music and raise puppies and kittens and gardens and indoor plants and befriend birds and wild animals and hug all the darling old trees I can find and love every sunrise and sunset for being unique in eternity and dance in the rain and laugh in the snow and climb mountains just for the view and travel to wherever I find a great deal and visit those I love and who have chosen me as a teacher/healer and to help nurture and raise all the little munchkins who enter my life and to weave energy and light into the magical existence I know as my reality this life. And that is how I have constructed my life path and how I will continue to construct my path's wandering way as a hand of Ma'am incarnated if this life's path no longer has a tells of finding him and choosing a shared life path with him.....
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Earlier today my little bear luck dragon was in full on Oliver mode this morning 😆 Straight up begging I eat something she could scrounge in the kitchen while I was making tea and then licking her empty food bowl then giving me the side eye, "Please miss, may I have some more?"
"Naw but really, my bowl, it's still empty.... "
Made me laugh so hard. And my Pisces pup is nearly 15 years old - she may have an inner lab/golden retriever that's always food motivated but my current feeding policy with her is if she's hungry wants kibble then damnit she gets kibble! She's gotten bony and has old dog non-cancerous fatty lumps we watch and I don't know how much longer I'll have to spoil her as my puppy child (when she was an actual puppy, I started saying she'd live to be a spry happy 21.5 years old. That seemed much further away when she was not yet 15 weeks old than it does now she's not quite 15 years old; I'mma bawl and be an absolute emotional wreck whenever she does. Especially if I can't keep my promise to her that if or when I have kids she can come back in her next life as my son....) So if Audrey Pupburn wants more kibble desperately enough to luck at her empty bowl, I'm gonna laugh at her antics and refill her bowl.
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I went to return the book of Chinese Myths and Legends I already owned in a less pretty edition. Kinda sorta left with another armload of books and spent more than on my last visit to Barnes & Noble. (Still under $200 though.) Whoops. Sorry not sorry. I'm single with only fur baby dependents and if I want to budget my paychecks heavier on books and albums rather than food, that's prerogative hurts nobody but me. Some girls buy makeup and designer clothes, I buy books and concert tickets. My life path, my choices. And I choose my books!
I'll in bag them to take/upload pics tomorrow. If I remember before the Talisk gig over at Bur Oak. Talisk is a three man Scottish band, all trad instruments but wicked fast!!! And Mohson is the first head banging concertina player I've ever met 😂 (They used to have a female fiddle player, but she got a real job and got married planning to have a kiddo because pandemic, so they have a new fiddler I haven't met yet.) I adore them, as humans and as musicians, though I caenna ken nary a wee waird Mihsn bin sayn whan hays ben a tippling.
I'm very excited they're back in Madison tomorrow (Weds) night and Milwaukee on Friday night!!!!! I intend to catch them at both gigs and catch up on Friday night figure skating and snowboarding on Saturday replays while getting hours in at work!!! Next week though, there's no claims on my time other than fitting my hours in somewhen and watering my work plants! No Olympics, no concerts, no grandma appointments - nothing but planetary transits and shooting stars in my calendar and lots of snow in my forecast! (Unless the forecasts shift.... Gonna be nearly 50 and raining today (Weds) which is perfect weather for welcoming my favorite Glasgow lads, but my heart hurts it's still February and it's too warm for it to be proper snow.....
Anyway. New book buying later. Next post. After I go get some sleeps. It's late enough (early enough?) I may just wait til after sunrise at 7ish, but I should sleep. I'm overdue for some sleep.
[Post Title: Lyrics from the song Fields of Gold by Sting. Heard it on the radio as I drove home from watching Olympics and skating with my maman after dinner with my parents. The song is stuck in my head now, but sung in Eric's vocal timbre. Which is curious as never in my life have I heard him sing this song - but my memory for all things set to melodies I hear knows his voice well enough to play it in my head singing amy song I know if it's in the range of vocals I've heard him sing. There's only a handful of voices my brain remembers well enough the colors and shades of their timbre and how they emote in song to do that. His voice is one of them. I often get songs sung in his voice stuck in my head, sometimes songs I've never heard before with my ears will song inside my head and echo iny inner spaces sung in his voice. That's another just Eric thing - mostly my inner space is me and my own stillest point of inner tranquil serenity and sometimes angels and old deities. And the emotions and energy and waves of Eric's soul and sometimes the echoes of his voice singing there in my meditative stillness. As I've said with the bond, he's always been there in my inner stillness and in my dream space - same as he can always find me if he follows the inner pull. Anyway. After hearing the Sting song Fields of Gold on the radio, my brain decided to ear worm me with Eric's voice covering Fields of Gold inside my head. *shrugs* subconscious gonna do what subconscious does. And that's what mine is doing right now, lol.]
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