I heard on the radio then looked up to read a study tonight that said it takes,  on average,  5 new good things to undo the damage of 1 bad thing. If a person apologizes or shows genuine remorse for the bad thing,  it takes 2-3.5 good things to counterbalance it (depending on how quickly they apologize)  but if they NEVER apologize or address it,  then it takes 8.5-11 good things to counteract the painful interaction depending on the severity of how the bad thing was received.

The data was consistent for rebuilding the broken trust REGARDLESS what had come before,  and it has to do with the stress hormones released by the negative eventand how they rewire your memories so even thinking about the person/thing that upset you releases the same stress hormones visible on an fMRI that shut down logic and heighten emotional flight or fight response.  And it takes multiple good hormone release situations to undo the damage of just one negative interaction.....

It was a fascinating study proving what we all knew intuitively.  Still,  hard data is good to have.  And.  I reckon it's good for everyone just to know that fixing things after a fuckup that hurt them will take time and consistent effort and doing good things over and over and over  without getting upset or defensive reinforcing the bad emotional responses from before. Especially if you never will willingly apologize or admit you did wrong.

Anyway,  the hard data on it was fascinating!

Back to drinking wine and tea and watching the snow fall outside while the candles and hearth fire burn inside all while reading my book..... It's so hygge in here,  you have no idea! All I need to make it perfect is a man to cuddle with,  preferably shirtless but it's negotiable. 😉 Because cat and dog snuggles are all well and good,  but they're not the same as having someone's arms arpund you and curling up into the warmth of their love for you. Ah well,  some other fire on some other snowy night perhaps..... For now. Time to put another log on the fire, put the kettle on for a fresh cuppa tea, and go stand by the balcony door talking to my hawk roosting in the tree and smiling at the  snow falling under the white lights of our condo complex.

O I know I know.... Eric didn't intend or expect my reaction to his instas to be revulsion or icks. I know he didn't.  And his POINT is how shitty and non-inclusive it is that success in country music is to be a white man -- a point that OUGHT to have resonated with me as he was showing his feminist side and his outrage that  "this is a really small sliver of humanity and how is this all that's represented?!" I understand that was what he intended. But frankly, expecting ANYTHING else in country radio is like expecting the current White House administration to actually give someone competent the post. Any female or person of color success in the country music genre is the outlier of the system and happened usually because they were famous elsewhere or they had friends with money/fame to spread their fame.  It's always been a white identity politics genre, ALWAYS. It started off racist history and the racism and misogyny is endemic to this day in the genre. THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS.  It doesn't matter how many not even c list white chick country artists you befriend trying to change that, that's the genre. Racist whites IS the target demographic of country music. ALWAYS HAS BEEN. Always will be. And I guarantee that if you start scratching the surface, MOST of your friends who love country music or are in that part of the industry ARE white racists under the surface.

On top of that, by playing it and sharing it, all he did was cause me physical pain from the vocals. That will never go away NO MATTER WHAT YOUR POINT IS when you play country vocalists. That's just how it is for me..... Even if you're bashing them, by playing the songs, you're still causing me the same physical pain due to the synesthesia that you'd be causing me if you were playing it saying how much you liked it... the pain is the same if you play the offkey vocals. I know he was bashing it, but it was still causing just as much physical pain to me as if he were praising it.....

AND, on top of that, ANYTHING to do with ANY country artist from him or anyone in his band automatically puts my hackles up makes me defensive BECAUSE of the way that Liz and Britt treated me trying to defend that career choice.  I don't think you realize JUST how awful their responses to me (and other people) have been getting defensive about their choice to try to succeed at country raduo and defending their pitchy vocalled country friends when Delta Rae fans didn't like it. because Delta Rae old school loyal fan base ARE NOT COUNTRY MUSIC FANS by and large. And the influx of country music fans (who ARE white identity politics Republicans) has actually STOPPED people from continuing to support the band they loved because the concert going experience is just not fun with that element included.  And it really doesn't matter if Heather is your friend or Jessie's friend -- she sounded REALLY fucking TERRIBLE and pitchy. And I don't fucking blame the audience for talking over her -- she was BAD. Like most of the artists they've had open for them since they have tried to find a way to belong in the country music scene.

So i get that he expected his post to find favor with me and I understand that he was doing more than being salty over the way his band failed in that genre and all of Jessie's friends who are now his friends can't succeed so they just sit in nashville and bitch about it being their genitals not their pitchy ass offkey vocals that are the reason they can't succeed -- and if it had been about ANYTHING other than country music, he'd have succeeded. but the moment it was a playstation game about singing COUNTRY music, he killed any chance of conveying anything to me other than me pulling away having a revulsion reaction toward him. The mistake was in 1) expecting anything but pitchy ass bad vocals and misogynistic white identity politics from anything to do with country music because that IS the target demographic of country music and 2) thinking that bringing up country music or anyone involved in it in any context would ever have ANY reaction but a negative one from me.

But I do recognize his intention was to show support for women and his feminism and ally to the under-represented side. things that NORMALLY should have appealed to me. He just picked that absolute WORST context he could possibly have found to try to make that point.....

I can acknowledge his intention while still recognizing the reality of the results as how I'll always react to him posting anything playing country music or having anything to do with anyone in the genre....

The answer to my questions from earlier tonight is nearly three years. Nearly three years since the last time Eric's band (which is the center of his life, not just his family and closest friends, but it is his life at this point -- I don't think even he knows who he is without the band) did anything that brought me joy with no strings attached of pain or disgust.

The last time was their holiday acoustic tour they did with Penny & Sparrow. Before they announced "we're a country band now." Since signing to Valory and trying to fit in with the country music scene and seeking fame/fortune via country radio, there isn't ANYTHING they have done as a band or he has done as an individual that has brought me unalloyed joy. Most of the joys they have brought me, few and far between as those have been, were in trying to fix fuckups they made/did by their career choices and by what has happened during the Big Machine era of Delta Rae and the Jessie Roesch era of Delta Rae.

Three years is a long time.

I was excited about them going independent, hopeful that it meant they were done selling out. That was before all of the pandering to the Swifties they did which destroyed most of my excitement and support for their new chapter I'd felt up until that choice they made.  Eric's choice to go live on the band instagram and ignore me about the problems of that and why it was unfair happened well after I had lost my excitement and desire for anything the band was promising about this new chapter of them as an independent band or the albums they'd make with the Kickstarter money. They'd already shown me nothing had changed in them and what they were going to continue to try to fit in country music and they were still willing to sell out just about anything to get ahead. All that had changed was that the label booted them for the ways they could never fit in at country radio.

So three years since the band and Eric himself have done anything that brought me joy and only joy without first causing me pain/disgust or subsequently causing me pain/disgust by the direction they take the good start they had. And nearly a year since Britt's choices in the name of the band created a situation where the pain FAR outweighs any joy, where I can't even find joy in listening to the songs that had been a constant soundtrack in my life from the time I discovered them up until Britt did that. The truth is that even all the physical pain that the country music caused me due to my synesthesia,  the joy of everything that came before still far outweighed it up until a year ago when Brittany made her choice in free will and in the name of the entire band to block me for being honest that the decision to go country caused me enough pain at shows that I would not go to any more shows so long as country music was any part of it.  That choice and that action of Brittany is what tipped the balance so pain would outweigh joy and I'd not even be able to listen to my much beloved tracks from Carry the Fire,  Chasing Twisters EP,  After It All, and live tracks I ripped off fan youtube videos.

It's been one year since there was MORE hurt than all the joy they brought me - but it's been nearly three years since they brought me unalloyed joy with no hurt attached to it.  Three very long years.

So I must ask myself again, "Why did I expect anything else of Eric given how thoroughly he has let the peer pressure from this scene consume him? This is simply who he is now, who he has made himself into to try to fit in with Jessie and Britt and the people he and the band have surrounded themselves with over the last three years."

I shouldn't expect anything better of him, this is simply who he is now. And I need to recognize that truth. I should be making my own choices and decisions under that aegis.

That has nothing to do with him being sick or not being sick recently -- it's simply who he is now. Who he chooses to be and who he wants to be. And it is based on who he is and the sort of man he aspires to be that I should be making my choices. Not the man he was or could have been or I want him to be. But the man he is and the man he chooses to let himself be.  And I have three years now of data on that on which to base my own actions and choices.

And the fact it's been three years since he brought into my life any joys untainted by hurting me is the real reason I need to call it.  I'm sure that whatever their plans for The Light and The Dark,  it still is centered in this grafted on country scene bullshit of the last three years.  And anything with anything to do with country music will only ever cause me pain and evoke disgust in me. So I don't even need to hear it to know it can't possibly bring me unalloyed joy as the band I used to love did before they attempted to fit in and have anything to do with the country music scene.  That band is dead,  and it's time I accepted that and made my peace with it,  and stopped mourning for my loss over what happened to the band I had loved so terribly much.

Mon bon dieu but the extraordinary thinness of the veil this year is distracting and draining.....  It's been about 7 years since the veil was THIS thin......

Just had a newly dead ghost of a very old man from across the street and up the hill (where there's a retirement home) come knock HARD on one of the windows while I had my back to it, watering one of my fig trees. I nearly jumped out of my skin, it was so sudden in the stillness! He pointed at my shirt (a black sweatshirt with a large white sugar skull on it) and I nodded and opened a gate to the light for him to easily follow. He grinned like a little boy and then moved on but I had to hold it open and wait while another half dozen spirits who'd lost their way but recognize the pull of that gateway connection came to me to be let in. (None of them the black lady with the bandaged/missing limbs  in the wheelchair who spooked me the other night with her panic about the serial killer based in southern MN being back hunting in Madison) I finally was able to close the gateway and just as I did it and turned back to my plants, an ambulance and firetruck with lights on came and turned at the light headed up into Oakwood. I just shook my head and muttered, "You're too late. he's gone already."  Firetruck has already left, ambulance hasn't yet.

Witching Hour Problems of a Medium When It's Only 3 Days Til Samhain........ Could write a book on it, lol.

I'm going to refill my watering can then back to my plants now. Hopefully no more interruptions for the night. And maybr the snow will hold off til Halloween itself -- I still have things I must do outside in the garden bed.....but in my heart of hearts,  I WANT the snow,  the whiteness and beauty and stillness and peace of it.  I'll come in tomorrow during the day and work on that though. Just in case. Also to make sure i get hours in. I have concerts on Weds night (Daniel Champagne -- an Australian guitarist) and Sat/Sun (2 nights of Rhiannon Giddens with Francesco Turrisi concerts) and Tues night mum will likely want me to come over to watch figure skating now that the season has started up again.

3:07am addendum:
Ambulance just left while I was deadheading one of the geraniums before watering them. Lights off. Headed the opposite direction as the fire station (nearer than the hospitals, thus why a firetruck usually comes with the ambulance everywhere but the Isthmus.)

The last couple days, I was leaning toward the decision to hold off on internally putting the bond to sleep because Eric is sick and I don't believe in kicking anyone when they're already down.

But then tonight, he posted a whole bunch about country music as if there was anything redeeming or even redeemable in the scene (there isn't, regardless the genitalia of the singers, the problem is country twang on vocals are offkey as fuck, the songwriting is designed to pander to the lowest common denominator of confederate flag waving trumpies,  and the scene is a known promoter of bigotry and entitled white identity politics -- the only reason Rascal Flatts ever bought Eric's song Never Been to Memphis is because it's an ode to glorifying and rewriting post-antebellum southern white history and romanticizing southern white chicks -- the same song but changing the city to Detroit or Chicago or Seattle or Boston or any city that isn't south of the Mason-Dixon Line would not have been of interest to their team because it would not have been an attempt to redeem southern white identity -- it is an incredibly problematic song he wrote. And never a favorite of mine as a result.) And then he was once again promoting and endorsing The High Women (whose harmonies ALL sound terrible -- mostly because Maren Morris has a shite voice  even before she twangs it and I genuinely doubt she could hit a note true if had a tuner visibly in front of her to tell her what notes she's actually producing..... She is so TERRIBLE. I have nothing good to say about Maren Morris, anything she has sung, or anything she does, tbh.)

It gave me an immediate visceral ick revulsion reaction toward Eric himself. not to the band, but to HIM. The fact he did that, that he expected anything good from anyone/anything tied to the country scene (even a PlayStation game) and then defended, well, anything or anyone to do with the country music scene, it gave me the icks quite intensely.

I'm going to finish watering my plants at work right now, but I'm definitely currently in the camp of genuinely asking myself, "Eh. I lose nothing that's good in my life by letting Eric go at this point, do I? Why did I expect anything else from him? When was the last time he did ANYTHING that didn't cause me pain or cause me a visceral ick reaction anyway? What am I even holding on for?"

I'm not going to do anything while taking care of my plants -- the plants only deserve love and my full attention without any negativity. But, y'know, that's where I'm currently at after he did that tonight.  And once again, Eric has nobody to blame but himself and who he's twisted himself into to try to fit in with the peer pressure of others (most notably, again, Jessie and Britt and their Nashville country chick friends that Jessie keeps introducing into their lives.)

I'll make up my mind what I'm going to do after my work plants are all taken care of. But first, refilling the kettle for another cuppa tea.

Thought:
Cutting ties saying I'm done doesn't actually help Eric fix this issue (not this instance of it,  not the pattern of it,  not the very real danger to me that my instinct is to trust him yet his ethics are as malleable as whoever he happens to be spending time with.)  And it doesn't help either of us to heal... He deserves a chance to make things right,  if he wants to, once the problem has been diagnosed.  He's had not quite two months since he fucked up,  not a year.  Britt's fucking everything up and what was done in the name of the entire band,  that's had practically a year to right it and nothing been done...That deserves to have the book closed on it,  it's been a year. But for him,  he's had 2 months.  And a lot going on.

It's fair to say it's time to close chapter let go of the mess the girls made and to step back on what all I see from the band - the band and their music doesn't currently reach me or touch me anyway due to this.

And it's fair to say I don't feel I can trust him. I can't trust him to refrain from knowingly causing me harm if peer pressure tells him it's okay....  So I can't trust him not to knowingly hurt me.

.and it's fair to acknowledge that I can't love another man as he deserves while actively being drawn so strongly to Eric.

And it's also fair I'm fed up frustrated with being so long and perpetually single.

But it's not fair to state, "This is a problem that I can't fix,  only Eric can" but then not giving him any fucking chancea to fix any damn thing about it......

This thought is absolutely aided by my decision to drink an entire bottle of wine in the last seven hours by myself.  And I shouldn't have.  I'm absolutely feeling it, even with one more glass poured but not yet drunk.   But not because I'm still rattled by yesterday or that's a ridiculous amount to drink in the time alotted (it isn't)  but because I'm unwell,  physically weak.  Not blue from the hypoxia of alcohol poisoning (trust me,  I know from college what that looks like....  I once went into a hospital in Chi for it when I was so drunk I forgot all my English, could only insist in slurry Parisian French between bouts of vomiting, "L'hôpital.  J'ai besoin d'une hôpital.  Je ne peux pas me conserver en vie sans attention médicale.  J'ai besoin d'une hôpitale." and that was all I could say....  Though by the time my friends got me there,  I was sober enough that after wrapping me in hot blankets to stop the wracking shivering and giving me a saline drip, I read through all the documents before signing and asked my only friend with any high school French if I should sign that I needed a translator or if she would serve.  And that time I stayed in my body!  Two times in college,  I did not....)  But anyway,  hypoxia from blood alcohol piisoning,  I turn bluish.  Right now,  this pallor is just....  3 migraines in 8 days last week, my period recently,  a 2 day cold/flu start of this week,  eating too many onions (causes anemia in me),  and the emotional toll of all of this....  Not just my skintone,  but the lack of color in my lips says volumes,  tbh. That's the color of them wine stained.... Imagine if I'd taken pictures before any wine....

I am pale.  And yeah,  I am wearing my Blackbird Sessions tee.  It made me happy when they released it.  And I've never had anything but positive feedback to give on the raven and dove yin-yang artwork..... And last night,  when I WAS panicky,  it was the only thing I could come up with for pjs made me feel safe and happy....  I am pale,  I've neen paler - especially earlier this week, and no I do not advocate my level of pallor for anyone.

i'm really not okay with my decision to put the bond to sleep.  Believing it the best solution,  yes.  But okay with it,  never. .  And that's wine drunk honesty over-riding my natural stoicism.  But really I'm not.  Especially these last few days,  hearing how sad and upset Eric is and it making me tear up want to sob for no reason betimes....

Look.  It's been rough on me. And I'm definitely physically not at my best - I know the toll it's been taking and how it's drained me. But it remains the best answer,  and if it's inevitable, I'd just like to be done with it....

I'm going to bed as soon as the sun rises (can't sleep across sunrise or sunset unless very ill) my sleep has not been the best of late....

Just checked in tonight with AJ, the lady (well ghost, but so newly a ghost she didn't even know she was dead yet) who started all the wyrd last night hasn't (yet) passed her way looking to move on. But she said she'd keep an eye out for her and would recognize her. It's convenient, as one who deals with the complicated cases to know a mother shepherd medium who's the lighthouse that lost/confused "newly' dead souls go to. (I strongly set protections against unincarnated spirits entering anywhere I intend to sleep,  but especially my own living space, for reasons that should be obvious givem the entities I deal with who have bad intenrions.  So I cannot function for newly dead that way for them to come find me for help....only when I find them in my wanderings can I help them. So I like knowing there's someone for them to find to help them.) Not to mention she's a darling. Been through a helluva lot, you have no idea, but she's darling! A favorite of mine!

So anyway, went to Michelangelo's for a con panna then got the text that Short Stack was open so went for late night French toast (theirs is my favorite other than my own) after going to the CTM (Children's Theatre of Madison) performance of Matilda the Musical (love this musical and they did a spectacular job -- genuinely surprised me how great a job they did with it. And Abby, who was in my middle school girl Scouts troop and then was friends in high school was Miss Honey.)  So that was all normal enough.Then picked up my dog from my parents and was going to stop by work even though it was about 11:30pm to pick something up. And that's when things went weird.....

Was just around the corner from work when out of nowhere I had a newly dead spirit rush me. And she was VERY recognizable! A black lady with blonde dyed hair, in a wheelchair, with her left leg wrapped in bandages and her right leg missing beneath the knee. And she was freaking her shit out. She came out of nowhere from the left, wheeled straight at me calling to me waving her arms panicky at me telling me to go back, go home, not to stay near here, "HE" was nearby and it wasn't safe. She then wheeled right through the hood of my car, into the parked cars to my right and I slowed down to deal with her and that freaked her out even MORE so she turned herself around and came BACK at me waving me in a panic to go home and hide, HE was getting clsoer.... So I said, "ALRIGHT! I won't go in, I'll head home NOW." And then she just disappeared. So I kept going past work, VERY slowly, and a car turned headed the other way and no apparition from her, and the car didn't even slow down.  So drove around the block, worried about helping her with the panic she was in because she needed help, and as I came up the side street, she was parked in her wheelchair blocking the nearer driveway into work and she turned her head 180 degrees from the way I'd left toward me and just started shaking her head and panicked waved her hands at me to GO, that I had to be home before midnight.

My dog didn't respond to her at all. My dog responds to the living, but she only responds to unincarnated spirits if they're malevolent or bad intent.

Then, on the drive home, I had a rabbit run out of nowhere from my left, then a deer from my right, then a young male deer from my left, then on my home circle, a fox from my right. The fox was chittering loudly at me and then after I parked the car, as I was coming upstairs I saw the fox sitting in front of the door to my condo building facing outward actively guarding. And after I locked and chained the door, after verifying Alana (who's still mostly staying in Spare Oom) was home, I heard a rush of wings and the great horned owl that lives nearby settled in on the ledge of my balcony near my wind chime, on the side of it that the cherry tree doesn't protect. had the strongest urge to leave the lights off like we'd all gone to bed and not stay up or show signs of anyone there. And then as soon as I'd gotten into pyjamas, the dog wanted to go to bed without dinner (I always feed the animals right before bedtime) and hopped up before I even lay down. Once I did lay down, she lay across my shoulder/arm between me and the window obviously on guard. And then the cat jumped up on the bed and ley on my other side exactly the same across the shoulder and arm, facing my bedroom door and clearly on guard.

Anyway, the woman, whatever her story is.... She didn't know she was dead yet. And her panic, it was about a living man, not anything spiritual. But it was VERY raw and VERY communicable. And I got the sense that whoever it was, it was the story behind her missing/wounded legs as well..... I think most of the panic was hers transferred to me. Having stared down a switchblade pulled on me and taken down grown men bigger than me when attacked AND faced down adn taken care of some VERY nasty piece of work evil malevolent spirits this life, there was no REASON for me to be so shaken. I actually respond to danger and emergencies by getting preternaturally calm and decisive, no fear of any sort, and time slows down while I move/think at hyper speed.  The panic in me and the intensity of the need I be careful and hide was all transferred from her panic and then with how quickly and thoroughly everyone/everything rose up to protect me including both animal spirits and some of the gods/devas/angels/fée who watch over me at all times.

But, that said, I do have an active concern about whoever she was afraid of. because he's a human problem and one who needs to be dealt with before he hurts again. And he's not something the spirit world or the gods/goddesses who watch over me can deal with. Humans must deal with the humans in things like this.... Which is why I'm hoping this newly dead lady comes to AJ... To move this forward and take out the rabid dog of a man that affected this lady's ghost so....

Now, I'm actually at work with my dog. My parents and Sarah and Ian and Karissa had a pizza party and game night tonight at the office while Mikaela and I finished watching Harry potter and the Half Blood Prince. (She'd never seen it before, and she's not read the books.) We also started Deathly Hallows Part 1 even though I told her we'd not finish it. (Got to the part where the house elves bring back Mundangus, so past Hedwig's untimely death.) But we both agreed we'll just start this one over next time I see her as she missed some important dialogue due to everyone talking VERY loudly and interrupting as their game finished.  I'm gonna head home now though. I'll add a postscript when I get there.

Not panicky or on edge or feeling unsafe or extra wary at all right now. But I'll still get myself home before midnight and keep an eye out. Just in case.  Go home, put on pjs, and curl up with some tea and read uninterrupted for a long while. I have nothing in the docket tomorrow (unless I decide to come into work) til heading to Milwaukee to see The Drowsy Lads at the ICHC (old converted church with its own pub.  My plan for Sunday is to come into work though. Have to take care of plants and get hours in and all that.

And, I don't plan to do anything about the one year during the day time or when busy. I just decided one year is my limit. It's not a deadline, just my limit on waiting for any signs of fixing what Britt broke and my limit on waiting to see if Eric would show any signs I ought to extend him any trust or belief that he wouldn't rationalize wrongs because of peer pressure, that he'd learned his lesson. I don't have to do it Sunday, probably will because New Moon while the veil is so thin it practically is nonexistent. Sunday is simply the deadline before things change because they have to and I give up on my trust/belief in their goodness and their desire to do the right thing instead of the ego driven thing.

And yeah, I'll add a postscript to this one once I get home. Before I get lost in a book, lol.

P. S.  Home now.  Figured out what the energy the panicky ghost was projecting reminds me of, a previous experience a couple years back.  You're not gonna like it thoigh. But I can safely say,  what she was on about,  if I'm right,  he's gone back to MN....

I just had one of the weirdest creepiest things of my life happen to me.... And I have long history of wyrd and creepy and downright dangerous "I should be dead what the fuck was I thinkong?!?!" stories in this life.....  And this one was really fucking weird......


I'm home,  door is locked and dead bolted. And I NEVER dead bolt except in hotel rooms.....   But I'm still shaken - I wish I had gotten around to buying new blinds for my room and the balcony as I've been meaning to since I installed the new windows/door...... I best find replacements or suck it up put up the old yellowed ones I hate......

I'm so hackles raised by this one though.....  Let me go change into pjs and make a cuppa yea and plug my phone in then I'll tap out on my phone this fucking bit of a wyrd night.....  You have no fucking idea just how shaken I currently am - and I'm not even sure of what precisely.....  I'll explain what happened to rattle me.  After I cozy myself up....  But right now,  I feel the urgent need to hide, like from a predator.... And...  I can feel that I am cocooned and protected inside energy shielding that isn't my own - the kind where nobody can find me or recognize me unless they physically touch me or have a VERY strong bond with me. And I still have goosebumps all over every inch of me,  just wanna curl up and hide and feel safe.

P. S.  I bought more stuffed bears at rhe zoo today. And the only pics I took at the zoo not of fiery leaved trees?  Of Nuniq,  our male polar bear.  He followed me all around the enclosure til a zookeeper had to call him by name to come eat.

He's a good bear.  And,  I like that one of our two polar bears is the son of the polar bear we had at our zoo here when I was growing up. (our female,  Berit,  is in her den snuggled down for the winter and the hope is the artificial insemination from the Chicago polar bear will be successful and there will be polar bear cubs here in the Spring!)

P. P. S.  Changed into pjs.  Both  my animals are laying on me guarding me.  On top of everything else....  May not get to making that cuppa tea after all.....

Tonight,  more than anything else in the entire fucking world,  I just want to curl up into Eric for comfort and to feel protected and at peace.  Both in my inner space and if it were possible,  in real life.... Honestly,  whenever I'm hurting or sad or scared, all I want is to curl up into Eric for comfort.  Not Dave,  not anyone else, just Eric.  Every time.  Doubt that'll change.  Even with the bond asleep. It hasn't ever changed in any of my past lives. It's just an instinctive thing,  even after the broken trust and all.  

And that's why it matters so,  even in little things.  Because my instinct IS to trust him,  no matter how he's shown me, in this life or any life,  he can't be trusted not to cave to peer pressure instead of having an ethical core.

P. P. P. P. S.  Still haven't written up about last night.  Having lunch and watching Howl's Moving Castle with the 14 year old.  (we watched Labyrinth before,  she'd never seen it before)

See this is the hard part.... The hardest part....

When I can hear his devastation and sadness inside him. Because that's how the bond works. it doesn't so much care the WHY or the fault or the guilt, it only communicates the is. It communicates what the other person is feeling, as they're feeling it. And the more intensely they're feeling it, the more intensely it's there inside you....it feels like your own but it has no reason, it just rings inside you and only when you trace it back to the source do you realize it's not your own even though it feels like it's yours and it tears you apart as if it's your own....That's how it is as an empath. And the stronger the attachment and/or the karmic bonds to a person, the more intense and strong their feelings are inside you....

So I know how Eric is feeling tonight.... And I know how devastated and hopeless and lost and hurting he is inside, regardless what he's showing others. I know because I feel it all inside me. Right now. Just as if it were all my own complex of emotions.....

But I can't fix that. And I can't help him through it. And I can't promise him it'll all be okay or that this is a nightmare. Because it is a nightmare but it's a waking one and it happened because of his choices. Choices he was pressured into making, but still his choices. And so it's a nightmare of his making. Sure his sister primed it and cocked the trigger and set him up -- but he's the one who pulled it. He's the one who did this to himself.

I can't tell him that there's anything healthy that can come from either him or me accepting a situation where my suffering doesn't matter to him. Where things he does that cause me hurt, that he KNOWS will cause me hurt, that there is no way for it NOT to cause me hurt, where we both just accept that as if it's an acceptable state of affairs. But it isn't. It can't be. It can't ever be accepted from anyone. Because there's nothing healthy that can ever be built from that.

It doesn't matter that Britt's pride and her refusal to admit she could ever be wrong, ever have done anything wrong, is the root cause of her defensive reactions a year ago that led to me being blocked for being honest.  I do not absolve her of that but there are no longer any ties between her and me and she will have to work out the negative karma of her pride on her own terms in her own time and without anything from me in the future.

It doesn't matter that Britt and Jessie told him over and over and over again that if HE was the one who went live, I couldn't possibly get angry or stay angry with him. This is squarely the guilt on their shoulders, same as Iago's guilt whispering in Othello's ear twisting reality. this too is karma on them that has nothing whatsoever to do with me now or in the future. Lies and twisting lies to suit a false narrative that you WANT to be true are some very severely bad negative karma, especially when it results in the destruction of another person's life or happiness as they did to Eric -- and that's on their souls as their choices.

It doesn't matter how I know these things because HE knows them, not because I was there in the room when it happened. That is an aspect of the bond between us and how it works when it's active... If Eric knows it or experiences it, I will. Especially if it ends up affecting his emotions strongly.

What matters is he's capable of willfully and knowingly choosing to do things he knows to be wrong and he knows will cause hurt to another when he's under the force of peer pressure.

That's a flaw in him. That's a mistake he made. That's something only he can work on, something only he can improve in himself. And only when he chooses to work on it, when he realizes it's a fatal flaw in him that requires his attention and dedication to alter. It's an old flaw in him, some of our old karma to work out is him caving to it and directly leading to my death 600 years ago and his inability to forgive himself for that. It's still a flaw in him he needs to work on -- and it's my fault given what I asked for in this reward life that we crossed paths before he had learned that lesson fully and passed the testing. So this suffering is also my fault because I created conditions under which he could find me too soon, before he had learned that it's never okay to knowingly do things that are cruel or will cause hurt to another because of peer pressure exerted on you.  I take the guilt for the suffering -- but I cannot absolve him of this flaw in him. Only he can work on it and fix it. Nobody else can. Same as nobody else could have broken it this badly to get us to this point.

And I can't trust him, not with my life, not with my love, not with anyone or anything that I love, not with my heart. I can't trust him with any of these things for so long as this flaw is a clear and present danger in his character.

And that is why, as much as it hurts, my best solution is that I must put the bond back to sleep and let him go and spend my energy and my love elsewhere. Give opportunities to others who deserve my love and have worked damn hard at their lessons to get to the point they have to find me and earn my love in this reward life. And it's why I can't allow the bond to reawaken until Eric has learned this lesson and learned it thoroughly and well. And until there's no possibility of the bond being awakened sabotaging my ability to form karmic bonds with anyone else or find happiness with others.

There may be other solutions. There may even be a way to salvage this before Sunday when it will have been one year from Britt's decision to try to cover up the truths she was unwilling to face followed by her pride refusing to admit she was wrong (and STILL refusing to admit she was in the wrong.) But these are solutions I don't see or I have rejected for the longer term damage they do since they would require moving forward as if this flaw and the damage and toxicity it creates in me, in him, and in our relationship to each other weren't a problem. And they are a problem. And will always be a problem. So long as Eric has within him the capacity to rationalize cruelty or bullying or intentionally causing hurt KNOWING it will cause hurt to another because peer pressure has told him it will be okay or it's the right things to do.

Nothing is set in stone til I put the bond back to sleep and then it will be done until the terms I give the powers involved in this have been met. But that's now only 3 days away.

And I genuinely have no expectations that anything will occur to alter this course. That isn't to say it couldn't happen. But I don't believe it will.

3 days left. And then I'll put the bond to sleep. And whatever it is he's suffering over that, he will suffer it in the echoing silence of not being able to reach me that way.... And that silence will endure for as long as this flaw is in him and as long as there is anyone or anything in my life that would be sabotaged by the bond reawakening.

And that is the best answer that I have been able to find these last months. The most fair and healthy and ultimately healing answer. If there is a better that deals with this situation fairly, I'll listen. But you have 3 days, and only 3 days, to come up with it and to bring it before me and to attempt to convince me on it. And no appeal to emotions will be convincing if the root problem of this flaw in Eric remains undealt with....

So yeah, I feel everything he's feeling right now as it all collapses and he can't figure out a way to salvage this or make it right and all he knows is how shattering this is to him at every conceivable level.... I feel it because he does.... And I know that after 3 more days, I won't feel it and he'll have to bear it alone.

And all I can offer him is the flimsy hope that he can use it to learn what he has to learn, to fix this flaw in him for real. And to pass all the tests the Universe throws at him to see if he really has  learned his lesson. And then to wait out the other condition, that it reawakening not sabotage anyone or anything else in my life that comes from lessons learned and earning a place in my current life and love instead of inheriting it from the past versions of us..... I can promise that if he can do that, then there will be a chance for something healthy instead of toxic to bloom between us -- but I can't promise him how long that will take or if it will even be in this lifetime or in some other lifetime..... I only know what is karmically necessary for the both of us before he can be allowed to try again. I'm sorry. That's just how it is....

And this is the best way I can find to achieve it with the least amount of heartache to each of us. It's not without heartache, but it is less than it would be if we tried to build anything with this toxic and fatal flaw in him still a part of it.

(I did warn that we were at a point this was a when, not an if. And all I promised was that WHEN it happened this time, it would not come from a place of momentary anger, but from a place of contemplation and communion with the Universe and a solution in which my heart, and my head, and my soul were all in alignment.)

This decision isn't really about one or the other,  nor is it about punishing Eric. It's about right versus wrong,  it's about the matters of principle surrounding what happened a year ago. And by that I mean Britt and whoever blocked me on the band page and what that means has been done in the name of the entire band.  I don't mean the show they did at The Majestic here in Madison that I didn't go to because it was presented by Q106 (a country radio station)  and I was still hurting about the decision to block me on the band page. Didn't go despite being half a block away having a coffee and no other plans for the night and Crissy swore she saw Eric walk by. Being blocked on the band page is also why I unfollowed and forced Eric to not be able to reach me via the bond from November til March last year until I decided it was unfair to punish people who hadn't done anything wrong and may not have known.

I did warn him there were two things poisoning everything between us - the country music and me being blocked on the band account.  I did warn him back in April/May that both had to be addressed and fixed if he wanted things between us to heal.  Because both are about him not caring about causing me pain.

Now they do know but have still done nothing about it.  And I know they know because I decided to be very open publicly about the block when Eric decided to end their kickstarter by going live on the band's instagram. And then he did it multiple times and nobody from the band even once responded to me on facebook or twitter saying that insta live was unfair and a form of ostracism due to fans being blocked for saying they didn't like the country music.  I had other fans attack and victim blame me,  but nobody from the band had the courage to address it.  And Eric chose to continue going live on the band's account,  including just him playing his piano and performing by himself which he used to do on his own account and him doing it on the band account right at that time frankly felt like an intentional passive-aggressive slap in the face for being vocal about what had happened and intended to be certain I and anyone else blocked on the band account couldn't see it. And those were all his choices,  his free will. He has nobody but himself to blame. He did that. Nobody else did it,  he did.

I have been unable to listen to any of their songs since he did that,  I don't want to.  And I haven't liked any posts from the band except the video of Leo because he's adorable and he's done absolutely nothing wrong is no part of the matter of principles that upset me. Also the one encouraging the use of non-plastic straws because it's a separate issue.  But I've spent a lot of time considering all of this since late August and early September when Eric chose,  in free will and multiple times even after being told why it was a form of ostracism,  that he wanted to be guilty of joining in the relational bullying.  True he hasn't done it since then,  at least not that I know of,  but it remains a matter of principles and of what he showed his nature to be and what he thinks is acceptable ways of treating people and whether or not he cares about being intentionally cruel and intentionally hurting others.  And all that thinking is what has brought me to the conclusion that there is no truth, only a venal desire for money,  when they say they care about their fans - especially when it's Britt or Eric who says it.  And,  I genuinely feel that a year to make this right,  a year in which you were told about it privately and publicly,  and you have done NOTHING about it, not even responded to it or acknowledged it, but instead continuously and intentionally made things exclusively available where you had created a system of ostracism and bullying is long enough. Everyone fucks up makes mistakes,  and everyone deserves a chance to make right from their mistakes if they're mature enough and not too  much of a coward to acknowledge their own mistakes.  (only a coward refuses to say,  "I was wrong,  I did wrong" to a person they hurt.  That's just a lack of basic compassion and a surfeit of pride if you can't admit you were wrong.)

But it's nearly been a year.  A year is more than sufficient time to figure out how to say,  "we fucked up.  I'm sorry.  Let me make this right." They've had nearly a year's worth of opportunities and nobody has addressed it or done anything about it. Eric only made it worse on himself. And a year to the day of me having been blocked on the band account is what I'm counting down to.  A year is the point at which I am done waiting or hoping for anything from any of them.  A year is the point at which I accept,  this is just who you are and you condone and take part in bullying via ostracism and then completely ignoring and gaslighting any attempt to talk about it or fix it.  Coming to grips with the fact that Eric not only condones that sort of bullying but willfully chooses to take part in it was the hardest part of the last year, last couple years including all the painfully bad country radio selling out choices.

Deciding that a year is long enough opportunities to make right this wrong was easy compared to accepting that truth about who he is and who he allows himself to be under the influence of Britt and Jessie encouraging him in it.  A year is far more time than almost anyone else would have given.

As for Dave. He only fits into any of this because he still is there still wants me even though I consciously chose no, not to give him any opportunities or chances, for all these years because I didn't think it'd be fair of me to date anyone else with such an active karmic bond and desire as there is between me and Eric.  I have stayed single a very long time now because it's not fair to whoever I would date if I'm strongly attached to someone else.  I still don't think it'd be fair of me to do to men whose fault is to not be Eric.  But now,  after the ethical lines Eric crossed in late Aug/early Sept, I don't think it's fair to me to allow that bond to keep me from seeking happiness elsewhere,  with someone who cares about if they hurt other people, who cares if they do things that hurt me. Even if I had precogged and knew that putting that bond to sleep would mean a lonely life that was empty of love,  I'd make the choice as a matter of principle at this point based on what Eric showed me by his actions in free will back in Aug/Sept to be his character at this point in his life.  He has allowed the toxic choices that Britt made to poison him into making toxic choices of his own.  At this point, Eric has nothing to offer me that isn't poisoned by all of this and now his part in it - and he has done nothing to try to fix it or clean up the mess so things could heal.

I ought to cut the bonds completely.... But instead I'm putting it to sleep again.  Indefinitely. Certainly until he has atoned and made right what he did wrong. Until he has chosen to be a person worth knowing,  one who wouldn't take part in any form of bullying or ostracism. And not til I'm at a point in my life where there's nobody else more deserving of a fair chance with me.  It'll stay asleep this time for as long as the Universe is giving me other options to pursue and as long as Eric chooses to be a person not worth knowing, a person capable of taking part in bullying and intentional cruelty.

That is the path we're on if nothing is fixed or addressed to change my mind.  And in four days,  it will have been one year since this was all set in motion. 4 days.

On the 27th is the one year point at which I am done and will send the bond to sleep with the help of the Sidhe and I'll unfollow them all on social media - even Mike and Grant and Ian who have personally never done anything wrong toward me except what was done in their name by being done in the name of the entire band.

Now I'm gonna go rest take a nap.  I have a minor cold/flu (mostly normal cold symptoms, but achey with chills) that's been going around work and I'd rather sleep to heal this last bit to be done with it in 36hours than prolong it by trying to force me do anything productive right now.

If you didn't notice, You mean everything (quickly I'm learning). To love again (all I know is) Imma be okay. Thought I couldn't live without you, It's going to hurt when it heals too. Oh yeah (It'll all get better in time.) Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve to. Oh (It'll all get better in time.)

Today:
~Rainy morning, just wanted to stay home cozy and read. And all of the space near me and my spiritual friends were on that train. Dilemma? Had to pick up Aunt Geeta around 11, go to lunch, then take her to the airport between 2 and 2:30. And every moment I dallied at home was time I didn't get to see my aunt who I only get to see maybe once a year, for a couple days. But I desperately needed introvert recharge time. It was trying. But hey,  I hit my timing and energy just right.  As always,  lol.
~Made it to pick up Aunt Geeta by 11:15. Then hung out for a bit and Aunt Linda (da's sister, not Aunt Lynda mum's sister) stopped by so got to see her for the first time in ages. Then lunch at Nile. Then my pupkin and I took Geeta to the airport, got her there at 2:40.
~Spent the rest of the afternoon digging out sod in the garden keeping the weather sunny and bright and clear til Geeta got to Chicago and took off again AND til I finished this task in the garden. In one of my favorite sunshine golden silk sari skirts, lol. (as well as my prangey-red cozy sweater.)

Because that's how I get myself to go out on a gray day - I dress like sunshine and fall leaves,  lol.
~Then came in and made bourbon ginger beer drinks with mom and Sarah.
~Had an absolutely AMAZING conversation with AJ about what it's like to be both an empath and a medium in the modern world. She's a darling. And it was a conversation we both needed. Desperately needed. We really are soul sisters in a lot of ways. (We're mediums in very different ways and deal with different sorts of spirits, but we both help to shepherd the lost souls back to the light. She does it when they're fairly newly dead lost the thread, I do it when they've stayed too long or truly evil malicious unincarnated spirits.
~ALSO!!! My Aunt Geeta wanted one of the We Banjo 3 patches that look like Miss Audrey in a WB3 trucker hat -- doesn't know the band but took one look at it said, "Oh my God, that's Audrey! That's hysterical!" but I only bought 2 at the time. 1 for me, 1 for Mikaela. But I promised her that I'd ask Enda (who designs all the band merch and decides what stays and goes) if it was a one off or if there were more because my aunt wanted one. And I sent him my message with the preface "I know you only just got off the craziest tour schedule and are jetlagged need to hibernate, so no rush on an answer." And the darling lad got back to me at 6:30am, right before leaving to go fishing, that it was a test batch but he promised to make more and would ABSOLUTELY have them exactly the same design and dog in January when he sees me next -- but if it was time sensitive like to get it to her by Christmas, he'd contact all the different US merch folk in charge of holding stuff for them til they come back to the states to see if anyone still had any of the Audrey pup patches to mail me.  I thanked him profusely, said it could wait til January since I'll not be seeing my aunt before then and then told him to enjoy his fishing trip and between tours hibernation cuz he earned it!  Those boys man. They all take care of me whenever I ask or they think of something that would make me happy... Never seen anything like it! Not in all my years of befriend/dating/working with musicians! Just such darlings! And so considerate about me, in ways that I'd never even expect from them. No idea what I've done to deserve it. But I have been told, straight up, that they're going to keep me around and do whatever they can think of to make me want to stay for keeps.
And honest, I have no idea what the hell I did to deserve this from them! But it makes me go all melty weak in the knees from all those boys because it's so sweet. The truth is, the more I see of David and the more I know of him, the more I find in him that is good and wonderful and admirable and that I love. And David has systematically solved every reason I have had in the last 5 years for why I could break his heart if not careful but refused to allow myself to break it.  All except it won't be fair to him if I'm torn in two inside by feeling any pull toward Eric - and that'll mean closing down that karmic bond to Eric send it to sleep.  I won't lead Dave on without doing that, but I will do it and turn to Dave wholeheartedly as he deserves if/when that bond is put to sleep. And this time, I'll not let it reawaken or give another opportunity so long as Dave is in the picture in my life. This could be a block on the bond with Eric for the rest of this life as a direct result of the choices that he and Briit and Liz and whoever encouraged them in their toxic bullying behaviors told them they were doing the right thing.

Just another reminder that there's only love and sources of joy and constant consideration of me from Dave and his brothers (all of them) and his band.  And it's such a contrast to the way Eric has dealt with me in recent months or how Britt and the girls have dealt with me since for years,  ever since the "we're country now" mess fucked over everything.  Really,  it was so sweet that Enda got back to me so immediately and offered to use his all too little time with his wife and son to try to track that down for me.  It's a helluva lot healthier and more conscientious toward me than anything I've seen from Eric or his family over the last year.  It's just such a striking contrast,  the loving support from Dave and his brothers versus the gaslighting bullying from Eric and his siblings. The Universe is being VERY clear with me,  pretty damn constantly about not accepting what it is Delta Rae has chosen to put their name on and condone.   I'll not be accepting anything from anyone,  not even Eric,  if it's not healthy built on real foundations of him giving a fuck about me or treating me with conscientiousness for my own hurting. Also a weird synchronicity: both bands do a cover of Whitney Houston's Dance With Somebody at their shows. And they both started it at the same time. So i have associations of the song with both boys and both bands -- but more strongly with Dave and We Banjo 3, because I hear it more often and cumulatively it has brought me more joy because I've never had negative associations broguht into the mix from him or his bandmates/family.

5 days. Then I'll allow me to act based on how things are in 5 days. It'll be a good time with how thin the veil is this year and how strong the fae is right now.  Including the fae in me.  5 days.  Then I'm clearing out the toxic that everything related to Eric and Britt and Delta Rae has been twisted into.  5 days then I clear it out put it to sleep til there's something there not poisoned by such deeply toxic behavior patterns.  And then mid November will be my farewell,  from a place of acceptance and wishing them the happiness tgey seek on the paths  their choices have created. And then... I hope that by the time March 20 rolls around, and beyond it to the other releases, I'll be in a place healed enough to not feel a person emotional response (toward any of them collectively or individually) and to listen to them same as discovering anyone else's new music and love the music for what it is. Because outside of who any of them are or have been or any connections past/present or any choices they made and how that got us to where we are....beyond all that, the music is something wonderful that they have made (except for the Long and Happy Life EP and the recording of Seven Bridges Road and Silent Night on Blackbird Sessions EP and the most recent recording of If I Loved You and some of the other singles they released in the Spring to gt off the label-- those tracks are just absolute shit quality and most of them aren't even listenable they're so bad in their people pleasing venal desire to sell out and try to find fame at country radio.....)  And I miss being able to listen to the music and enjoy the music and love the music for what it is...... So I hope when I let go of the people and my disappointment in who they have spent the last years proving to me who they are and what they ACTUALLY stand for versus what they claim to stand for, well when I let all those emotions ago, I can at least come back to a place of being able to listen to and enjoy and appreciate the music. Same as I would if I heard it from any band I knew nothing about and had no emotional connections or associations with.....  Those are my current choices and goal and the path I choose based on what I have here for me to work with.

This is what my head and heart have both come to agree is best and my soul concurs says the only healthy way forward for me and for Eric with how things are now. It could be altered, it's true. There remain five days in which to alter it. But it would take a radical 180 of acknowledging what happened rather than being in denial about it or trying to sweep it under the rug and it would take a very real and genuine and concerted effort to make right what they did wrong. And I simply don't see any signs or reasons to expect that. Not from Eric. Not from Britt. Not from anyone in or affiliated with the band. And certainly I don't see it happening in the next five days which is all the time that remains to try to change me from this course of action. And nothing healthy can grow from a soil this poisoned -- not for Eric and not for me. Which is why no matter how it hurts, without righting this, I know there is no way to heal this or have any relationship that isn't toxic due to how toxic this poison is that was infused into the very root of it all....  They've all made their choices, this one is mine based on where things are due to the choices made and rationalized by them individually and collectively. Things could change in five days, I'll give the full year since Britt and whoever decided to block me fucked everything up and set Eric up to rationalize choices that forced this set of consequences. But it's also only five days, and I no longer expect a miracle from him to fix what has been so fucked up... I don't even expect any longer that he wants to change this or make anything better.

P.S. Been sitting on this with the window open but not ready to watch it for the better part of the month now til it felt right to watch it -- which was tonight. And it is spot on analysis for the situation I've been coming to grips with over the last year regarding both Eric and his kin and Dave and his kin. She's always right on her readings for both my sun (Libra) and rising (Pisces.) My moon (Capricorn) and Venus (Scorpio) are only occasionally applicable and generally only on matters of the heart, not just from her but from anyone, but my sun and rising? Always applicable. And that Libra reading for October is uncannily on point on this. Like straight up almost a personal reading level accurate.

Tarot By Bronx -- Libra 

Even the Leona Lewis song Better In Time that she mentioned popped into her head during that part of the reading... Damn. 

Naw,  I'll give the full 7 days. It's not like it'll be that long.  Plus I like the symbolic resonance and closure of giving a full year to right what was done.  And.  Honest.  I haven't the time to let go of connections completely and thoroughly.  And it ain't worth doing it if it ain't done thoroughly - the bleed through on the bond of our pain will just pull us back to each other as neither of us can handle when we know the other is hurting,  when we feel that hurt echoing inside us.  And the truth is,  we're both gonna hurt like fuck,  at any point we try to sever or even minimize the bond between us.  That's just fact.

But there are no terms of what has been demanded over the last year (last two years really)  that aren't abusive,  emotionally and mentally abusive, because they ask me to stay when you're willing and choose to willingly be party to behaviors that you KNOW cause me pain and are intended to do so. And those are not terms I'll stay for.  They are not something I'll be party to.

And that is the crux of where he fucked up, fucked up enough that it's now time to cut him off from any future to me.  Because he allowed peer pressure and manipulation to convince him that willfully and knowingly causing me hurt would have no consequences and could somehow EVER be justifiable or rationalized.  And that is how Eric has failed and failed and failed and is STILL failing.  And it's the reason he will lose me.  The only way for him to ever lose me is by his choices and his choices alone.  And he has continually made and supported the choices that he doesn't respect or care about me as a person.... And that's just the reality of his choices - no matter who he listened to along the way to rationalize it,  those were his choices.

He doesn't need to remind me why I love him and should love him - he's got that in the bag.  What he has to do is convince me he gives a damn whatsoever about me or my hurts or the consequences of his actions toward me. And that he has failed at so completely that I have no idea what he'd have to do to alter this fate that his actions and choices have manifested....

Facebook memories reminded me this morning how much I loved Hands Dirty right when it was released and how enthusiastic I was about it for that week before Britt fucked everything up by blocking me for being honest that I loved the song but was sad I wouldn't get to see it live due to the country music at live shows causing me pain.  And then after that,  I found myself unable to listen to any of their music right when the next morning listening to it for comfort was all I wanted following the Tree of Life synagogue shooting - and then that very day of the shooting somebody decided to block me on the band's account being honest that I loved the song but the country music at shows was painful enough to keep me from seeing it live.

And now we find ourselves at a point where the painful country music isn't a problem any longer - but there IS a problem from the undealt with bullshit of having blocked me and the system of ostracism they thus created and perpetuated and have all condoned since nobody has bothered to even acknowledge it let alone fix it.

And that is a problem entirely created by Brittany (and whoever blocked me on the band account if that wasn't her.)

But for a week,  I could and did love that song without any shadows or cynicism. Being reminded of that made me want to go back look/listen to things that made me so happy before and now just make me sad and hurt....  The love is still there,  but it's a love that no longer brings me joy,  it just makes me want to cry for everything so stupidly destroyed.... The love isn't gone,  it just causes me hurt and sorrow and disappointment now.  There's no longer anything of hope or joy in my love for any of them.... That's just gone,  destroyed by what Brittany did and then by Eric's choices in August/September for him to go live on the band account and never to even respond when I called him on why that was a problem and what his choices at that time taught me about him. There is nothing there that's worth me hanging onto now.... And Eric has no one to blame for me coming to believe that but his own actions and his choices.  Doesn't matter what anyone else told him that made him think it okay,  he still made those choices to do nothing to fix what was broken but instead to be an active participant in the system of ostracism and bullying.  He made himself guilty of that, knowingly guilty of it - nobody else did it to him.

It was a bit odd,  seeing that memory and being reminded that for a week I waa able to love Hands Dirty wholeheartedly instead of hearing in it only pain over what Britt did and a complete lack of belief in ANY sincerity in lines like "I will stand beside my sisters and all persistent resisters" - bitch no you won't,  you'll turn on them the moment they say any truth you're not ready to hear or don't want other people to hear or they have their own mind refuse to follow your lead.  That's the truth of your actions.

I know there's still 7 days left before the 1 year mark of that happening....  But I'm tired of hanging on when there's no point and everything they say/do rings insincere as a result of this.  I don't see any reason for believing that Eric or any of them  have grown a backbone and might fix this in the next 7 days - and nothing they say or do will reach me as sincere now without fixing this.  A part of me is tempted to not even wait out the remaining 7 days,  to just call it now and cut ties, both inner and outer, and be done.  I know I said 7 more days,  but I'm so very tired of carrying this mess....i don't see the point in carrying it another 7 days,  not even another single day,  knowing nobody's gonna do a damn thing to fix it and I'll just have to let it go then....  So what's the point in waiting another 7 days? What difference does it make?

At least that's how I'm feeling yesterday and this morning. Wondering what's even the point in waiting til the 27th to make it a full year of chances to make this right....  It's not like I have any reasons to suspect they'll do anything in those 7 days.  It's only about fairness of making it 1 year of chances that makes me hold my hand and wait.  Not because I expect anything to be done to change this in the next 7 days.

*sigh* It's a real shitty thing when something born of hope and strength gets twisted into a symbol of despair and disbelief, y'know?

I'm gonna feed the animals and shower and get ready for brunch with my parents,  and grandma,  and Aunt Geeta.  Whenever brunch is....

Things I am excited abput this week: Hailley's Comet making shooting stars for the first time since 1986!! Make sure you have your wishes ready!  Also,  Mikaela is off school on Thurs and Fri so I'll get some time with her, including tickets to Matilda the musical on Thurs night!

i'm so happy to have my Aunt Geeta here!!!  Traffic made getting across town about an hour's drive,  but it meant an hour's conversation with her and my pup and my Aunt Kath called before heading to bed (she is currently doing research in London during her two year long fellowship/sabbatical in Edinburgh) so got to talk to her a little too!  (Aunt Geeta is Aunt Kath's wife,  they've been together longer than I've been alive and they got married when it was first made legal in Boston, where they lived til I was about 25 or so. Geeta is Hindu (Kath is Buddhist), born in India sent to boarding school in the UK - disowned and the relationship not acknowledged to most of her family.  She has one of the prettiest accents and speaking voices I've ever heard, a refined British drawl with a slight purring Mumbai lilt to it and then a smoker's rasp layered over it. And both my aunts are wicked smart academics (Kath was a professor at Harvard and Geeta a professor at Wellesley,  Kath now heads the women's studies and asian studies departments at UV Charlottesville) who are keen socual justice fighters always on top of everything going on around the world....  Tonight at dinner with her and my parents,  we definitely discussed Bolsonaro,  Modi, Kashmir right now, the Kurds,  and the Uighers. Light dinner conversation,  lol. Aunt Geeta (who is a very dark skinned Indian) was actually in Charlottesville two years ago,  scared for her life some of the threats she was getting but she was one of the leaders within the interfaith leadership group that stepped up and protected each other and made sure everyone on student/faculty/religious communities who might be a target of hate were never by themselves. She was also in the crowd,  not even 10ft from Heather,  when the car ran Heather down.... Aunt Geeta was avtively triaging the minor wounds and emotional needs in that immediate aftermath....)

I'm very excited to bring her a stack of fantasy/YA book reccomendations and some teas for us to drink on Sunday!! I mean,  I believe she brought me tea from her niece's estate in India as usual,  but that doesn't mean we'll drink it.... She's at SEAC,  South East Asian Conference,  which has been bringing her to Madison in yhe third week of October since the 90s and thus I will always plan to not travel far from home then. But it runs Thurs thru Saturday.  So we'll be picking her up for brunch on Sunday then hanging out at my parents house chatting while my aunt,  mom,  and I watch dvred football (Packers game on Sunday and tonight's Broncos game Geeta's football team is the Broncos so she asked if we would since she has a dinner with colleagues.  Geeta's team is Broncos, Kath's is the Bears,  everyone else in my family who has opinions on football it's The Packers, although Sarah has the Cowboys as tie with Packers because she grew up in Texas so ehen they play eavh other she cheers for both teams,  lol) and dvred figure skating while my dad goes weight lifting.  My dad doesn't like watching sports - neither do his siblings. So Sunday and then most of Monday before her flight back to Charlottesville.

But,  before then.  I'm rather glad she has SEAC!  because tonight I'm headed to Chicago to see Frank Turner (EEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!  one of my forever favourite musicians. For over 15 years now!!!)  and then tomorrow night is symphony tickets! Next week also a bit busy....  Geeta's here through Monday evening, then Mikaela us off school on Thurs and Fri,  AND tickets to the musical Matilda on Thursday with her!  And then next Saturday The Drowsy Lads are at ICHC in Milwaukee - the converted Catholic church with the altar made a stage and a permanent bar in the back because it's the IRISH cultural Heritage Center,  lol. This concert is gen ad,  cheap tickets haven't picked up yet but in the calendar.  

But o it's so delightful to get to see Aunt Geeta again!!!!!  😁 And to know I get to look forward to seeing her more on Sunday and Monday!!!!  😁

Last night I had contingent precog dreams about Dave again...they were really sweet and beautiful.  I haven't had any about Eric since the one I mentioned that made me cry. And it'd been a long while before then.

As we reach the 1 year anniversary of Britt blocking me and then someone doing so on the band's official insta account (it's easy to remember, I was blocked the day after The Tree of Life Synagogue shooting..... Which is easy enough to remember since I was alone dogsitting with my Audrey Pupburn and my parents dog Sophie while my parents were at their cabin in Montana,  just me hugging two dogs as tight as possible,  feeling bereft and scared at the tangible proof of how bad antisemitism had become in trump's Merika,  and all I wanted was to listen to Morning Comes and All Good People to help me find some comfort with how much I was hurting - and I couldn't listen to them because they only upset me after what Britt had done by blocking me the night before for the honesty that I loved Hands Dirty but was sad I'd not get to see it live since the country music was causing me enough pain to keep me from shows.) I can feel the door swinging shut on any opportunity to address this and fix it.  He (and all of them)  are running out of time....  The one year anniversary of nothing being done by any of them to fix it isn't just a closing door - it's a locked sealed welded never to be reopened vault if they let this go undealt with past that anniversary.

One year is a lot fucking more time than anyone should have needed to figure out how to respond from compassion and fix this major fuckup someone did in the name of all of them. Past a year,  even the most optimistic soul must admit there's simply no interest in fixing it from any of them.

Part of the closing chapter right now is accepting that.  And accepting the proofs this fiasco has shown me that when they say they care about their fans,  as people,  they really mean they only care about the money and the revenue stream they represent.  And that is what this last year has taught me - and what I read as subtext in Eric's posts claiming their fans are their lifeblood or how much they love the VIP shows meeting people....  Naw,  you just love the extra money that brings in and the ego boosts of being told the sun shines out your arse - you don't actually give a fuck about your fans qua humans. If you did,  you'd give a fuck about fixing a bad situation that was created from a lack of basic humanity and compassion on the parts of Liz,  Britt,  and whoever made the decision to hit block in the name of every member of the band.  I will never believe there is any truth,  in any of them,  stating how much their fans mean to them as a result not just of that occurring, but of the complete silence and gaslighting from all of them whenever it has been brought up.

And the chance to do a damn thing about that is nearly over.  There's only a week and a half left before your window of opportunity to repair this is shut and locked forever. And if this isn't dealt with,  isn't repaired,  there is no chance whatsoever of fixing anything or healing anything with me in this lifetime, because I don't believe you or trust you if this is the sort of behavior you will condone and let represent you.  Period.

It's that simple.  It's that straightforward.

And Eric is nearly out of time.  He doesn't have til mid November to win me back or at least convince me to stay and give him a chance, like he thinks he does - he has til one year of apathy and silence on righting this wrong done in the name of the band makes it canon that they all support and condone it.  Because once that is made manifest,  there is literally nothing he can do to even begin to repair the trust that was shattered nearly a year ago now.  And without trust,  there is nothing real he can have or build with me.  Now or ever.....

We are at the point of only ten days left. Nine days til the anniversary of the shooting in the synagogue that as Jewish American shook me hard - and happens to be the same day that Britt decided to block me for my honesty the country music was painful enough for me to keep me from seeing Hands Dirty live, as much as I loved the song and what it stood for.  10 days til the anniversary of the decision to block me from the band's official account and making that band policy for how you deal with a fan's pain that they created by their choices and behavior.

It's not that I call them liars per se.  At least not intentionally so..... It's only that I am a firm believer that in any discrepancy between words and actions,  you must always believe the actions for setting your expectations and how you read their character. This is especially true for actions (or inactions) that have been continuously repeated - especially when repeated across months or years.

So I'm believing what the actions (and inactions)  of Delta Rae and whoever they let represent them tell me.  Nothing more and nothing less than their actions.

Ten days.  That's it.  That's the time limit on fixing this fuckup the girls made.  He gets nothing more.  And without fixing it,  there is such a fundamental breakdown in trust and my belief in sincerity from him or anyone in the band regarding their fans that I see no way to ever build anything better than me walking away and leaving them and cutting him off from reaching me via the karmic empath bonds......

Ten days and then it's done.  A full cycle of seasons closes the book on righting this wrong they did. Ten.  More.  Days.

Had an absolutely delightful time at the show on Sunday,  but you can stop worrying,  I'm still single,  lol. He's in an incredibly good place internally, best I think I've ever seen him,  but he didn't make any moves or ask me out or anything like that.  Just lots of grins and hugs and long lingering eye contact (especially during certain lines - a couple of them obvious enough to make Amy sitting right in front of me and to the right whip around to look at me,  lol) and thanking me for existing in his/their life.

It was most notable in Don't Let Me Down, because he's been very open about how that is about his own poor mental health and a love song to his past self when he's been in a bad place.  And normally,  it's fairly somber,  all of them but especially his brother Martin just want to hug him during it while he relives the places he's been.  But this time is the first time I've seen him happy and hopeful playing it (first song of the encore) and his inner state reminded me somehow of the music video they did for Don't Let Me Down - a music video  which IS a message of happiness and hope. and a love story.

It was just striking.  (especially since the last time I saw/heard it live,  I was front and center,  holding Erin (who has CPTSD and I know from the band and met at shows introduced by other friends in Crew) while she sobbed and had a breakdown during it, and just pouring love into her while singing along making eye contact with them. A lot of people I care about who have depression issues or have family who have depression issues cry and I end up hugging and holding during Don't Let Me Down and Hold Onto Your Soul (which the band wrote after a very emotionally hard interaction with a fan whose son who had been coming with her to shows for years had recently committed suicide. So they wanted to write a song for people to turn to for love and support and remind them to keep holding on through the dark time.)  In fact,  I think at this point,  Dave and the other boys have seen me holding other people together hugging them and loving them and supporting them through that song at shows more times than they've seen me any other way during that song.)  Anyway,  it was a strikingly gorgeous rendition of Don't Let Me Down this time!!

Had a sudden bad migraine yesterday afternoon so haven't done much since getting back from the shows.  Later today, Mikaela and I are going book shopping after school.  Tomorrow my Aunt Geeta gets in town for SEAC (South East Asian Conference - brings her to Madison every October for a visit since the conference moved here about 8 years ago.  Which means getting to see her every year and often Aunt Kath - though she's on a teaching fellowship in Edinburgh right now) so I'll be picking her up at the airport tomorrow afternoon.  Then Thurs back to Chicago for Frank Turner show,  then symphony tickets on Friday,  then Friday night Geeta will be done with the conference staying at my parents house so I'll be spending LOTS of time with her/them rtil her flight back to Charlottesville on Monday!

Actually,  I have a LOT going on the rest of this month....  Somehow,  it got very full of concerts and plans.  No Halloween plans,  but tons of plans before then....

In addition to the migraine yesterday,  I definitely have bursitis in the subscapular bursa of that right shoulder.  I'm not going in,  nothing they'd do for it.  It just hurts.  A lot.  Under the scapula where the shoulder joint meets the shoulder blade.  Where your wings grow.  😉 Anyway.  I can take antiinflammatories and rest it and ice it (though it's a spot that is best iced while laying on your stomach and having someone else ice it....icing it by myself doesn't work as well. Turns out,  my flatmates lacking opposable thumbs and being single means I have to do it myself. Downside of having a dog and a cat and a bird for roommates,  lol.) So of course my idea of resting it is that I'm planning to spend today hauling around books (to resell at Half Price Books and buying new ones) and gardening and digging out sod re-edging the border and probably hauling bags of mulch if I finish edging everything....  That's definitely how you rest your shoulder when it's burning with bursitis right under ths shoulder blade....  But d I do need to finish in the garden before snow comes to stay..... And bursitis takes about 2 weeks of rest to heal... Better I make it worse and get the job done then let it fully heal. 

And  I'll get to see Mikaela around 5ish tonight and we're gonna go use my extra 15% off entire purchase coupon at Half Price Books! 😁 She's my favorite 14 year old!!  And I have an iron on patch of a banjo puppy that the boys made randomly in the last month or so,  looks exactly like my Audrey Pupburn!!  I hadn't seen it til Sunday and got super excited for it - which made Enda (who designs all their merch) super chuffed!!  And he definitely told the girl next to me when she was demanding the story wanted to know whose dog it is, "Oh that's my dog!" Then turned and brazenly winked at me. It looks nothing like his and Gillian's dog.  Or Fergal and Ruth's dogs who are grey and black.  Or Annabelle,  Martin & Kiana's 13 year old Pomeranian they rescued as a stray in Galway, she has a tune named after her. Anabelle's Cannon,  which just sounds like a happy puppy exploring and frolicking in the woods! (Dave doesn't have a dog.  He also doesn't have a wife and family at home for the dog to stay with while he's on tour.) Anyway,  this patch is absolutely and completely my Audrey Anne Pupburn!  And I can't wait to see Mikaela's reaction to her patch I bought her of Miss Audrey in a WB3 hat,  lol.

Tell me that doesn't look exactly like my baby girl little old lady 12yo bitch immortalized forever as their WB3 pup! Tongue lolling out and all!

Also. And this is unrelated to Dave or We Banjo 3. This morning, I woke up after my migraine passed. (one of the worst I've had in many many years...and my laptop was at work and so I had no music in my bedroom to help carry me through the pain.... And music is the only thing that does help....) and for the first time since end of August,  it was quite in my stillness inside of me.  I didn't hear Eric's sorrow and hurt and anger at himself echoing inside me.  It was completely quiet. I didn't know what to make of it, to be honest.  I spent most of September and early October trying to block it out and still being ambushed by it unexpectedly. It was strange not to hear his anguish over these last months inside me.... I genuinely didn't know what to think or feel.  I guess,  more than anything else,  I wondered if the bond had been put to sleep again - though if it was, it wasn't my doing.  But when I hesitantly said his name and thought of him inside my inner space,  there was an absolute rush of love and tenderness from him poured into me and...he seemed surprised disbelief but happy surprised to hear me reaching for him along the bond... Soon after that the rain started and I just lay in bed listening to it snuggling with my dog and cat,  trying to understand what shifted in him and why....  And I dunno.  But all morning now,  if I think of him,  there's that same rush of love and tenderness and something determined but also like he's afraid of breaking it if he's not careful and gentle right now..... But no longer that sadness makes me feel like it'll drown me or angry with himself. Just an intense rush of his love and tenderness for me and a desire to just hold me and make sure I know this is in him....but less about his need, more grown up and focused somehow, about him being determined wanting me to know and feel how deeply and tenderly he does care about me...  And only if I think about him or reach along the bond toward him to check in see how he's doing.

It's something new. And I'm uncertain what to make of it.....

P. S.  I saw last week or so in a post that Liz Longley added to her tour dates that she'll be opening the Chicago and Minneapolis dates for Delta Rae.  Which made me really happy - she's delightful and someone I go see just to see her!  So that made me happy,  and gave me a something to look forward to about those shows.

P. P. S.  The more I see of Jessie and the more I get to know of her,  the stronger my aversion grows.  There is a deep corrupting evil in her that she hides behind a false facade.  And it poisons everyone and everything that she gets close to.  And the worst of it is that she hides her bad influence behind her falsely assumed good nature and laughter and only increases by small increments her cruel lack of compassion and rationalizing of evil actions so it goes unnoticed how far those influenced by her have strayed from any concept of good and justice.  She is evil,  an insidious toxic slow seeping poisonous evil.  And the more I see of her,  the more glaringly obvious it becomes. I don't know that it's a conscious thing,  I prefer to believe it isn't and that it's just repressed unexamined tenets of how she was raised... But even if unconscious, a bad philosophical influence is a bad influence.... I will never welcome her or trust her or trust ANYONE who gives her their ear or lets her into their life.

She is evil,  and she corrupts all she touches - I will not let her touch my life.  And anyone who chooses to have Jessie Roesch involved in their life marks themselves as someone I cannot trust and will not allow any further into my life.  Period.  This is non-negotiable.