The history/use of mesmerism/hypnosis and all the different people/places it has been used specifically in Christianity in America has been rather fascinating. It's specifically an American phenomenon as far as I can tell, which is also interesting to me... I actually got a little derailed pursuing the question about Deepak Chopra (whose teachings I've never actually read, he's always given me the icks even when people tell me how transformative and centering his works have been for them -- both his pictures and words always gave me the icks. In light of some of what has come out in the files released and watching the new age community squirm and try to come to terms or refuse to around it has been rather interesting. And, it also makes me question what exactly his teachings were and what they may have been gateways to -- but that's not something I intend to pursue at this time, just questions I'm asking. Like I said, he gave/gives me the visceral icks so I don't want to read his words, not even if I were gifted the book(s) or found them free.  I mean, i realize that sometimes for answers you have to wade into the minds/thoughts of people who give you the icks -- but I don't desire to engage in that research unless/until it seems absolutely necessary.) Curiously, Quimbyism (and thus Christian Science) has an early take on the concept that illness doesn't really exist, it's all created by the mind and you can cure yourself/others by faith and will alone. Which if it sounds New Age-y, it's definitely made it into modern spiritualist paths. 

My cat was most into the chapter on Cotton Mather of all the chapters in that book -- but also his picture in American Witches gave me the icks and so I don't want to search out or read Cotton Mather's diaries or anything any time soon. He also looked really familiar, but I can't quite place who in the regime he reminds me of looks like the reincarnation of his energy... It's been bothering me I can't place it. Griffin also pulled off the shelf with his teeth (tore the dust jacket but no damage to the book itself) a biography on Cleopatra that I hadn't read yet. So I promised him I would read it next buy told him no more trying to pull off in a way that damages the books and he is currently blocked from reaching the bottom shelves of that nonfiction bookcase just as he is blocked off from the lower reference books shelf. he's very excited for me to read the Cleopatra book, has been rubbing his cheek against it purring every time he can reach it and his head swivels around perks up every time you say the name Cleopatra. So far, all the books that he has damaged with claw or tooth have been hardcovers with dust jackets.... I still don't like it but also the two books he has pulled off 

I don't have much else to say right now. I'm very excited to see Skerryvore again tomorrow! (today now, lol) Not planning to see them Sunday in Milwaukee area because the Argo is like $46 per person tickets for gen ad and I have symphony tickets that day so wouldn't be able to head out toward Milwaukee until 4:30-5ish. I will be seeing them again though on Thurs the 26th in Green Lake and then again for the whiskey tasting at JJ's on Mar 1.  I'm excited to get to see all the Scottish Skerry lads again so soon! Especially since they won't be around here for irishfest season (they have shared other fests/shows they're playing in the UK right during that time period) so I don't know when next they will be back in the area. 

Um, I'm sure there are other things I have to write about or ought to say, but that's all I can think of for now so that's all you're going to get for now I guess.  

Wrote most of this before sunrise on Thurs morning, but didn't finish the last thoughts or hit post until early on Friday the 13th.

 So I've been doing a lot of thinking and researching this last month or so on the subject of egregores. It's not a term I had encountered until recently when it started showing up in many of my closed witchy groups as to why pouring energy into attacking those protected by an egregores just feeds the egregore and makes it more powerful. But basically, an egregore is like a gyre or whirlpool of energy portal created by the focused intent or belief of humans and if fed enough it can become sentient and powerful enough to try to use energy to protect itself and those whose existence feed it. 

Side note: There has also been a mass self outing of magat witches who have been removed from groups as they speak out about "since when has witchcraft been political" and forget about the hundreds of years of witch burnings/hangings... you know the type, those who took the anti vax far left turn so far they turn right but still call themselves spiritualists -- there's actually a disconcerting white spiritualism to trad wife magat pipeline and I haven't yet pinpointed what entity they opened up to that brainwashed them into the cult koolaid to serve that entity. But don't ever listen to the advice to just blindly open yourself up to whatever may enter when you're in yoga or meditation -- that's a white person version of the Indian practice and exceedingly dangerous! You never know what might be lurking waiting for a breach in your defenses to get it's hooks in you. Curiously, just as I typed up that question about not knowing what they opened up to, Griffin inexplicably lay down and started biting at this book pulling it off the shelf and destroying the dust jacket (yes those are cat bite marks). 

I yelled at him but took the book with me after he went back biting at it trying to pull it off the shelf a second time. This is the second book he has set claw or tooth to -- the first was using as a flat scratching post my dictionary of word origins (also hardcover with dust jacket) on my bottom shelf of reference books which I have since blocked him from reaching though he's still trying to figure out how to get to where it is. But I'm going to be very upset if this behavior continues destroying books and will definitely need to find a solution if it does... still this one seemed VERY book specific and it happened whenever I was thinking about that question of what they opened up to that creates that pipeline. So I peeked at the chapter headings and looked through the illustrations but nothing jumped out at me so just as I sat down to finish tapping out my thoughts about wondering what they opened up to to in that pipeline, he came over and sat next to me tail thrashing growling slightly staring at the book in my lap and when I presented it to him he bit at the spine of it AGAIN and I chastised him, "Griffin! We do no attack or destroy books in this household! I will read it to try to find what you're warning me is in this book but you're not to destroy my books if you want to live with me." He chirped then lay down on the carpet belly up purring and has been ignoring the book since. Also worth noting, he has been extra restless and protective tonight since I got home won't let me sleep keeps attacking things neither the dog nor I can see and trying to guard between me and my window and me and my doorways while I was laying in bed which involved a lot of hopping up on the bed and circling and laying down then batting at the air. Finally I gave up and played fetch with him for a bit then went to make tea and sit in my reading chair which means he only has one area to be restless protective chasing things I can't see.  Luckily, I wasn't sleepy because I had a bad migraine today from shifting fatelines/universes that was mad worse by ignoring trying to power through it yesterday evening/last night and ao I slept pretty much all day today until things settled when I went in to work after most everybody had left. (Curiously, being around other people tends to make the headaches worse and make me very irritable when the migraines are from timeline shifting -- the effects of the shifting are much more muted when I am not around humans and especially when at home. I think it's because other people who don't shift along with me in my bubble feel like anchors in the mud making it harder to move with the currents.) 

Anyway. Back to egregores. There's a debate right now in witchy circles about if spell casting the regime is working needs more energy poured into it or if it is feeding the egregore(s) making them more powerful. Which has had me thinking, "how do you defeat an egregores?" And the answer I found in magic circle is you create a mirror egregore that absorbs all the focused intent and uses it to starve the original egregore -- but now you have a new egregore even more powerful than the first and the only thing it has in its favor is that if it doesn't get too powerful, whoever created it can destroy it. So not (necessarily) useful. Robbing Peter to pay Paul. Which means, the only way I can see to defeat an egregore is to remove the source of its power, and that is the collective belief/faith in the idea that has spawned it. So that's where to focus the attack -- to take out it's sources of food/power. Now the egregore created and used as a shield by the entity that came here started causing these timelines fluctuations as it burrowed backward to build strength for right now, the egregore propping up the egregore gyre of this regime is the all father twisted concept of God that evangelicals all bend their knee to which as far as I can tell was a mirror egregore of Odin that got grafted into the medieval church to try to destroy the pagan viking worship of Odin. All worship of God the father feeds this mirror egregore I call and consider the all father mirror of Odin's egregore, at least as far as I have been able to track this. (I've been hunting/tracking this entity since I was in uni both forward and backward down the time stream trying to find a precise temporal marker for it to call in the larger powers that can safely excuse it back to where it belongs)

So anyway, at an energetic level, the egregore needs to be starved and dismantled to take down the regime trying to build itself into a 3d chess position of unassailable power grab.  Then the baneful magic hexing will break through to hit their targets. And the best way I can see that is to shine clarity onto those who believe in and feed it-- to pour energy into them seeing through the illusions. So that's where I've been directing energetic overflow because from what I have observed and been studying, dismantling and starving the egregore has to happen first, or from the start so that the other shots can land instead of feeding the egregore and its defenses/protections.

P.S. I did skim through the book, specifically the newer chapters before heading to bed after sunrise then read the first couple chapters after waking up. It's not very well written (but at least it reads fast is not particularly dense) and it's very New England focused history but it has some interesting historical accounts of early witch persecutions en route to the US and in the US. I'll probably keep the book for the new stories it has brought me, but it's not particularly well written. I didn't find in the initial chapters or my skimming of the more modern end chapters what was making Griffin bite it off the shelf insist I read it to answer my question... I do have some new leads to explore though just from the skimming and I need to look more into the turn of the century Quimbyism and the development/evolution of Christian Science (most of what I know about mesmerism/animal magnetism/early hypnosis studies is from the English side of the Victorian/Edwardian era not the American gilded age.) And the path through mesmerism and hypnotism and peer pressure of group think within both New Age white versions of spirituality and in Christianity.... Because there's definitely a pipeline that seems to take some people so far left they turn right in the witchy/spiritual/New Age to magat pipeline...  I think there's some breadcrumbs there for me to explore to unwind what has been hidden going on in the shadows. I know I've had to clean a lot of churches and a lot of attachments in people who go too deep into worship services and they've told me that they are told to open up let down all barriers. Which is terrible terrible advice as far as spiritual health goes.... 

Anyway. As far as I can see the tactical battlefield in spiritual/energy/magic fights at this time (which are separate but connected to the real world quotidian battles being fought in multiple fronts simultaneously right now) : Focus energy on creating clear sighted seeing past the illusions to the lie within to disempower and starve the egregore before pouring any energy into baneful or justice driven spells. Otherwise, all your anger is just feeding energy and belief into the egregore making it stronger.

It's funny, Friday evening it started to feel like something loosened broke through that weird head state I've been in and started untangling all the over thinking and defensive fatalistic spikiness I've been feeling recently and my head started to let go of all the ways it had wound itself round in judgemental fixed this is how it's been and I don't want that so I'll just go elsewhere because I can't think my way out of fixing the messes of the past so I'm just going to focus on where I can put my energy in the tangled present of the fixed air head space. And on Friday night, it was just like the wound tight overthinking just... melted into this calmer mental space of just floating in the the isness waiting for the right moment to get exactly where you're meant to be when you're meant to be there.  And then early this morning I felt all those overthinking thoughts wound round my heart just... unwind and let go... and it was like I could breathe again and feel my heart beating again after so long feeling detached couldn't hear from it or feel it and that everything was going to be alright  And as soon as all the overthinking tied too tight round loosened and untangled like that, it was like everything came flooding back into my inner quiet and it was just full of all that music that's always echoing through it and flooded with all the love I haven't heard/felt for weeks now and I just had this inner certainty, "All the knots and tangles of the past don't dictate the path of the future -- what is chosen in the present is what determines between all the open fatelines. Focusing so much on what's gone wrong in the past keeps you blinded to what is right now and what could be in the future. You know that. You just forgot these recent weeks. Now you remembered so now you can be better again." That's the best I can explain it.

And then I had to put my Histortea book club for tonight in my calendar (slowing reading Chernow's Washington a couple chapters a month with 3 of my close friends who also love history) because I'd forgotten about it and so I actually looked at a calendar for the first time since finishing out my SVD assignments (not the Olympics schedule which I've been spending a lot of time with recently, but my proper calendars which are both astrological planners/calendars; and because of all the Olympics programming for me to watch, I'm very behind on my normal weekly astrology reminders) and I saw that early this morning was when Venus (love/money/heart) moved into Pisces and I just started laughing at the perfection of the timing of when I felt that shattering/melting of those bonds of my own overthinking/fixed thinking into the opening expansiveness once more within the quiet spaces of my own heart. And then just out of curiosity I flipped back to last week and laughed even louder that Friday night when I first felt the shift in my head space loosening unraveling those recent bounds of overthinking was when Mercury (communication/technology/head) moved into Pisces. 

And it made me laugh at myself. For all my Capricorn moon skepticism about astrology, it definitely helps to make sense of my own inner tides sometimes and things line up much more closely than I'd ever realized until I started paying better attention to what sign the moon is in and where the inner planets are. And the thing is, you would think I'd be more comfortable in Aquarius than Pisces because Libra sun/Mercury and fellow air signs (all air placements are overthinking) but actually Aquarius is one of the signs I just don't get it doesn't click with me at all. And then, I have three planets in Scorpio (including my Venus) and my ascendant is Pisces so I'm actually perfectly balanced across all the elements and modality if you include north node and Chiron in the chart EXCEPT my rising sign being Pisces tips me ever so slightly more watery and mutable in the balance. I'm actually most comfortable in my skin with my inner head-heart-soul balance the more planets there are in Pisces, Libra, Scorpio, Taurus.  I feel the most all over the place unbalanced head-heart-soul the more planets/placements are in Aquarius, Cancer, Gemini. And I feel the most neutral toward having those parts of myself balanced instead just completely focused on my life as I'm living it the more planets are in Capricorn, Virgo, Sagittarius, Leo, Aries.

And it's just funny how intense that release felt inside my head and then my heart as first Mercury then Venus moved out of Aquarius into Pisces. 

I just found it interesting the timing. And also, in addition to giving me a laugh, I figured I should be clear about that internal tidal shift for anyone who doesn't feel the tug and pull of the seas inside my heart/soul and the storms my head sometimes builds inside me.

Anyway, have you been missing the Astro Poets horoscopes? The ones this week are particularly lovely and once again bring Libra and Pisces back into that very obvious dance/conversation with each other after a while of beautiful but a stretch to see how they might connect. 

 

Astro Poets Horoscopes:

"Week of 1/25 in Libra: Something is sparkling there with lilacs in bloom. As it were or as it will be. Every piece does not demand a core. And yet it suddenly was. And yet you want to stay as you should forever."

"Week of 1/25 in Pisces: Every sweet thing. Was said already. Say it again. Say with a kind heart. You are all kindness and light." 

"Week of 2/1 in Libra: Friendship remains. And that is what is said so sweetly. To rejoice in the right time. What reality that speaks. It is this one."

"Week of 2/1 in Pisces: Every piece that fell. Did so for a reason. Now pick up what you want. Make the thing. It’s yours anyway."

 "Week of 2/8 in Libra: Letting loose the birds and flying things. You let the light in, too. There was not a right way to say it. So you said it. So you dreamt exactly as you should have."

"Week of 2/8 in Pisces: Finally a dream. That was slept among the night. Truly a bright light. Greenish and pink. Lots of kisses because you love them." 

 

 

 

As someone who lives in the USA, it's a weird time to have the Olympics. I mean, I absolutely love the Olympics, winter and summer. I watch every moment of every figure skating (I watch the entire season of figure skating religiously, every year), snowboarding events (even qualis -- and I watch every x games I remember and realize the schedule), and ski aerials/halfpipe/acrobatic jumps and I watch the rest of it on prime time/late night highlights. I do really love speed skating as well, but not in a "watch every heat" the entire time way.  But watching the opening ceremony today, it's a really hard time to feel anything but shame to be American while this regime is in power with all the terrible things they do, no matter how much fierce pride and joy I have for the athletes themselves, especially those I have followed outside and beyond Olympic ice and snow. (And it's not lost on me that USA is supposed to hold the next summer Olympics in LA and the historic echoes with Hitler's Olympics and the mass incarceration sites called detention centers but the conditions currently known meet every textbook definition of concentration camps.... 

It's a hard weird time to be an American.... 

And I'm so proud and joyous for all the athletes! Especially those I follow throughout their competitive seasons in figure skating and snowboarding!  I just wish they had a country whose actions were worthy of the honor and pride in their home nation that they should feel during the Olympics ... I wish they lived in a version of this nation they should feel proud to represent and that I could feel like celebrating our country's medal wins. 

It's just a weird time to be an American, especially one living this close to Minne, watching the Olympics I love to watch and with so many athletes I watch throughout their competitive seasons. 

I dunno. 

(It's also weird to have Super Bowl during the Olympics. I'm rooting for Seahawks. And not just because I have family in the Seattle area and Monroe is a Seahawks fan (even though the rest of her family are Packers fans.) my parents are actually at the Super Bowl this weekend (so I am watching both dogs Thurs night til Mon night and only short times to spend with my cat during the weekend days) because the store sold enough Acers to be chosen as a vendor. So my parents are in San Fran, seeing the Killers and then in a suite for the game. I actually don't have any have tos this coming week (besides watching Olympics and work hours) other than the dog sitting this weekend until the 13 when my parents and Crissy and I have tickets to Kimberly Akimbo tour. And then on the 17 (Chinese New Year, new moon, eclipse, primary election, so much going on astrologically) I am an election official, but only assigned 1p-close not the full day because it's such a comparatively small election. And then after that some Skerryvore shows but I don't remember which days I'm seeing the Scottish lads. I actually wasn't expecting to see many of my international musician friends this year given all the everything, so I feel every chance a gift. Gadan last week and Skerryvore later this month. And we will see how the rest of the year plays out if I get to see any of them. On verra. )

anyway, it's just a weird hard time to be a  American watching the Olympics. (I do love the long toggle coats the America team have.) Which isn't helping at all my current 'nothing feels like it sits quite right in reality as it is right now' feeling of this Aquarius season..... 

Haven't written here in a while again. Was a bit busy with svd and then just sort of forgot about it until today when i wanted to write this down so I remember it don't forget it because it was so very wyrd. 

So ever since Mikaela arrived this morning to hang out and read and drink coffee/tea for the day, Griffin was being a bit of a demon cat this morning (as he does) but settled down once I realized I hadn't watered the plants like I meant to last night and promised the plants and him. (Plants "talk" to each other at a frequency cats hear and I genuinely think it gives them a headache when the plants get too loud -- both Spock and now Griffin bite at them to tell them to shut up if I go too long without watering them but then ignore them from the time they stop chirping joy in getting watered and the next time they get thirsty.)  Anyway, because he was being moody and attacking, I put Eric's playlist on for him and it helped but every time I got up, Griffin got feisty naughty attacking anyone who came near him and coming up to me feisty. That behavior stopped and he went back to his charming angel cat mode as soon as I finished watering the plants and they stopped chirping their joy. So I do think he just gets sick of that plants shouting and acting out is his way of saying, "can't you make them shut up?!"

The other thing that Griffin was doing today out of the norm is that EVERY time the first song on the extended version of Exactly What I Asked For would play (Griffin doesn't like his playlist randomized, only new songs added but never randomized), Griffin came over to my reading chair, hopped up on the back of it and then started walking across all the crystals and things on the shelf I keep my Tarot decks and Oracle decks. (Side note: I recently found at a used bookstore had to buy once I saw it a Nightmare Before Christmas tarot deck! It's used and I need to finish cleansing it, but I put it back in proper original order as part of cleansing each card and to check it has all the cards -- they're all there all in brand new condition and it doesn't feel like it was heavily used or connected to by whoever had it before me. It came in start of Jan per the price tag and so I think it was a holiday gift someone never used so brought in for some cash. Anyway, it's delightful! As an elf witch who adores Nightmare Before Christmas (everything about it except Oogie Boogie -- he is across the 'nope. That's an Unseelie darkness who won't keep his promises so we don't deal with' line for me) it's a wonderful mashup! I'm excited to cleanse it and use it the first time on a new or full moon on the other side of eclipse portal!) Anyway, Griffin kept jumping in my lap, climbing up to the back of my chair, then trying to climb on the book shelf where I keep my tarot/oracle decks, some of my crystals, my knife made from a railroad spike, and my horn handled magnifying glass (but not all my altar/witchy things, just the ones that I keep with my tarot/oracle decks and old astrological calendars from past years since I started saving them.  And it was EVERY time that intro song played and finally, I sighed in exasperation set my book down (in case of knocked over crystals I had to try to catch and/or pickup before they got lost) which jostled my phone which showing 1:11 as I set down my book and I asked him, "Did you want one of the decks consulted buddy?" And he put his paw on my Egyptian Art Nouveau tarot deck so I told him, "Alight, I will consult it. But come down off that shelf now. I can tell you're trying to be careful but you're going to knock off crystals it you keep this up." (Griffin likes to knock off and steal crystals and random rocks I've collected that I have all over the place -- he hoards them underneath my bed. So I have had to make sure that any could be toxic to him or are fragile or shouldn't get wet are stored in the glass bookcase.) 

So I  get the deck out and Griffin sprawls on the wood floor just past the edge of my oriental rug. So I take the cards out and I'm like, "Sir Griffin, did you want to pick cards? Or did you need me to consult it?" He meow-chirped at the second question and then I told him, "But I don't even know what you want me to ask it!" He just slow blinked love eyes at me then ostentatiously started licking his paw tail flicking waiting for me to begin. So I started shuffling and letting the deck flip out cards for me/him as I queried in my head and just continuously shuffled. 

This was what I got:

"What question does Griffin want me to ask this deck?"

3 of pentacles, 2 of swords reversed, 10 of pentacles

"Is there anything further Griffin and this deck are trying to tell me about?"

10 of pentacles, the lovers, the sun

At this point I was flummoxed. Like I got the message was about asking regarding lessons learned choices made and reaching legacy building contentment in life and the further info about the situation is a life that is a legacy full of goodness, love sanctioned by the divine (grab any classic deck and put the lovers card next to the devil card and look closely at the parallels and differences -- Lovers is divine sanctioned love freely chosen whereas devil is lust/temptation/chains we allow to bind us), and the childlike brightness of joy and success and celebration. But what exactly the subject matter to get to this or the context of what my cat and the cards wanted me to know, I had absolutely no idea just guesswork. It was at the point I was thinking "Ok, I understand the isness of the message -- but who or what the hell is this reading about?!" that Griffin got up went over and twined himself around the computer like cats twine around the legs of greeting people they love and rubbed his chin against the corners of the laptop, then came back to lay in the same spot and slow blinked at me again.

So I took that as Griffin's answer and I asked the deck: "Is Griffin trying to tell me something about Eric?" 

6 of cups, 10 of pentacles

"What is Griffin trying to make sure I know about Eric?"

6 of cups, the star, 10 of pentacles -- with 2 of cups on the bottom of the deck (when I went to set it down and the whole deck flipped itself in my lap between my legs from showing the backs to show me the bottom card -- I don't always check bottom cards, but this was very obviously a part of the spread)

Then I asked, "Is there anything else I should know right now before I put these away?"

And Griffin walked away curled up on his spooky cat tree for a nap and I shuffled the cars for an entire song focusing on that question and no cards popped out so I figured that was everything they had to say to me today. 

Honestly. I have never had 10 of pentacles come up like that EVER in a spread and I've never had the same card jump out like that for every single question asked/answered. Especially coming out upright EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I know it happens for other people, but it doesn't usually happen for me.  Now I generally think of 10 of cups as the "happily ever after" card whereas 10 of pentacles is the multi generational long term wealth and well being and enjoying the shared goodness of life.  I've never really thought that hard about 10 of pentacles before nor have I often received it -- I tend to receive 10 of cups as the promise of future happiness when I work with tarot cards. I received the 10 of pentacles more times this afternoon than the cumulative times I've received it reading for myself or in connection with me in my entire life.... So here's one take on the basics of it if it's a card that, like me, you've never really considered that deeply.

 

It's just interesting because I've been in a rather stoic weird headspace recently (in part because of what's going on and what I've precogged and also what I did right before "putting the entire US under a freezer spell" after brokering a dream space deal with grey Unseelie I don't typically work with but who will abide by the letter of their word, a dream space meeting between me and the Cailleach as their broker/keeper and with a lot of the goddesses and Seelie I work with mediating to be sure I didn't overstep myself or misspeak the promise or miss a loophole. I got angry and I was very clearly told off made to promise over half a dozen goddesses I asked about it that I'm not to cross the Mississippi hand myself over, and when I'm angry feeling impotent I make questionable choices. In this case I made spiritual alliance with morally gray Unseelie type spiritual entities bound them to new rules that gave them open season on any who sign a contract or give/follow orders for the entity behind what is happening right now in the US. The wendigos have open season to hunt take off the board all who cannibalize their fellow humans and have signed contracts (physical or spiritual) with this entity to serve or profit by the harm to others. They cannot recruit or go after innocents, just those marked by having signed over to this entity. And their open season territory was to be "everywhere that the Cailleach extends her reach under the freezer spell across this nation within this Aquarius season." So I've been busy, at least in the spiritual warrior realms.) anyway, so in a weird head space, not completely writing him off but more my head space has basically been, "The world is a mess and there are things I can do at the energetic spiritual levels that most incarnating souls cannot do. So if you are not consciously consistently choosing me and choosing to prioritize having me fully in your life, there are much more urgent areas my energy is needed right now and you are getting triaged out of any attention or any focus from me until that truth shifts."

Anyway, I have been questioning for a while now how real the bond is for him and if I need to give up on the idea of him and the dream of it to better focus on what must be done in this time. And this morning I have been debating with myself if I've only just been setting myself up for heartache of my own making by hanging on to hope with no signs at all he cares or knows or chooses it, especially with him once again in late January sharing from the band account I'm still blocked from (which made me immediately react, "nope. Not playing this game. I don't want to see you telling me "this content not available for you" bullying via ostracism from the band page. If that's all you have to offer that I can't sit at your table then I don't want to follow you on my socials at all." and unfollow him again.) Mostly not letting him even cross my mind or be considered, but when I do think of him these recent weeks I have been silent here focusing on the freezer spell working that I entered into agreement with the Cailleach to create to counter the entity protecting and puppet directing the current regime, but when I have let me think of him it has been in that stoic cynical, "he doesn't act as if he wants me or values me anyway, I should let go of pretending he might" reading of his choices already made and the pattern they have made that I'm done repeating.

So then I was just thinking that way again while writing out about the cards and the cat jumped up onto the back of the chair again, annoyed with me not listening to him, to demand again the deck not realizing I had put it back in the box but still had the box in my lap and once I showed him he hopped back down from the shelf with such clumsy speed he  knocked over a moss agate and nearly knocked down a tall stack of tbr books went to lay down and after I fixed the stack of books, my phone told me it was 2:22 as I sat down by him told him, "Look Griffin, I don't know what you want to tell me. So I'm going to lay these out for you to choose your own message for me." He purr-chirped and rubbed his cheek against the bottom card (still 2 of cups) to tell me he was ready. 

So I spread them out in a line and said, "right. So what is it you need me to know then?" 

He put his paw down on a section that when I flipped them was: 

The devil, two of pentacles reversed, five of cups, king of swords, two of swords, two of wands 

So I asked him, "is this still about Eric?" (Cat chirp) "About his past choices? Or about his present choices?" When I said past choices he chirped tapped the first three cards I flipped over and when I said present choices, he started purring rubbed his chin and cheeks against the two of cups bottom last card while setting his paw on the last three of the cards. (Yes, I know that with the two of cups on the bottom, that's all the twos of the minors in play.)

So then after studying the cards I'd flipped over I asked if I could put them back in the deck and when he pulled his paw back slow blinked at me I decided that was a yes and put them all separately back in randomly through the rest. Then I said, "okay. What is it you need me to know about Eric's choices or desires at this time?" And this time after shuffling, I very carefully went through the deck card by card moving it from my left hand touching each one with my thumb into a stack beneath my right hand and removing flipping over each card I was on when he soft paw tapped my thumb on a card. And the reading that my cat chose for that question was: 

Four of wands, queen of swords, two of swords, six of wands all upright. 

Then I threw a toy for the dog who wanted to be in the middle of it all wanted my attention while I sat on the floor and Griffin became more interested in fetch was done with the cards so after playing fetch down the hall with both the dog and the cat, I took the cards back with me and went back to write down the new readings here before I forgot them. 

And while I was writing that last reading from the cat about what Eric is choosing/desiring  but with a mental cynical, "right, like he's choosing that [quick reading: 4 of wands is celebration/marriage card, queen of swords is the minor arcana for Libra similar to Justice meaning Libra in major arcana, 2 of swords is a crossroads choice, 6 of wands is victory] given him continuing to take part in the "you're not welcome" behavior patterns the girls created and doing nothing to solve that mess it made. How is that supposed to happen given that mess and nothing being done to right it? How do we get there without healing the mess that was made complicating what should have been simple?" As soon as I got cynical thinking that way yet again, the entire deck (except those 4 cards I'd kept out to write up after I finished playing with the fur baby familiars) fell off my lap to the floor without me or anyone moving or knocking into them, splayed put like a hand and four  (three side by side and the fourth above the first two in the line) had flipped over out of the deck lay themselves out in response to my cynical thoughts: 

Justice upright (Libra in majors), King of cups upright (Pisces man in court cards), Strength reversed (Leo in majors; but reversed means the worst shadow negative unenlightened traits of the Leo sign) and then centered directly above Justice and King of Cups was once AGAIN the 10 of Pentacles upright. And right at the bottom of the deck splayed out was flipped over that same two of cups despite my shuffling earlier. But also, if you don't read it for sign significators, the king of cups is the central figure with justice (obvious meaning) on one side mirrored by reversed strength (strength reversed is bullying and ego driven defensiveness dominating choices, to contrast it with justice is to say that you can only receive justice by confronting the negative traits of strength reversed) and the only way to the 10 of pentacles outcome above based on its position is to lean into consciously choosing justice over bullying/ego driven defensiveness.

So okay. Alright. Loud and clear. The through line promise of continuously getting 10 of pentacles upright that many time is the promise of partnership and legacy and abundance and everything a good life can offer for now and generations to come and that promise over and over and over. I just need to not doubt but instead build toward it. 

If you don't read tarot for all the other spreads, ask someone who does or look up the cards yourself ... I may come back to analyze it in words here but also I may get distracted and ADHD forget. So look it up or ask someone who speaks/reads tarot to interpret them. It's a hell of a set of cards to jump or be chosen by a cat or literally fall to the ground to get the message through to me.  I couldn't believe my eyes and definitely asked Mikaela (whose family raised her a Jehovah's witness yet her mom let her grow up with me being like her bonus older sister even knowing my wyrd and eclectic beliefs and spiritual gifts) to verify the cards I was seeing and that I kept getting the 10 of pentacles even when they all just slid off my lap for no reason other than my thinking/questioning. 

I told you, my cat Griffin has only been with me since late October but he is very VERY staunchly Team Eric no matter my questioning overthinking or considering if I should seek other options. He will occasionally let me listen to other music though eventually he will go over to my laptop start soft pawing at it to change the music to his favorite -- and at home he flat out won't let me listen to any other music by anyone I'm attracted to or have been considering pursuing something with and he will actually come up behind it and push closed my laptop screen then try to lay on it until I promise to play him the music he loves best. He will also go jump up on the piano bench and start tapping the piano keys or walking/standing on the piano to ask me to play Eric's music for him. Griffin is a very smitten kitten for never even having met the man or even seen his pictures or video....  Also, Spock would pull certain books off the shelves to open to random pages like he could read, particularly my multilingual Egyptian Book of the Dead and any of my history books on witch trials, and then sleep on top of those books he pulled off the shelves, but he never demanded I take out decks for him or picked cards though he would sometimes inspect whatever I pulled for my own questions  And of all my tarot decks (in order of acquiring: Thoth, wildwood, dali, cat tarot, light seers, Rackham fairytale, Egyptian art Nouveau, and now Nightmare Before Christmas) Griffin insisted on the Egyptian Art Nouveau cat worshiping ancient souled deck?! 

I don't know anyone else shit like this happens to. Even when I'm trying to be mundane have a cozy day at home with books and music and coffee and quiet, this is my life 😂

That said, I still don't see a way to get there given what is unhealed and unspoken and the mess that was made of what should have been simple. The brightening fatelines, my cat, and the cards can say all they damn well please -- I'm just not seeing any signs of any of that shifting or changing for the better and I've stopped expecting it ever will, just accepting it is what it is and it's what they've chosen and stood behind many times over for many years now. And I don't see any place for me in his life or any possibilities of rapprochement as long as I am ostracized and uninvited and unwanted in any central aspects to his life. I could be wrong, but then tell me how that's supposed to work now... Because I can't see the way to square that circle. (But to be on the safe side, I added the last bit here of my truth of how my head is wrapping around where we find ourselves after I was at work with my dog and well away from both my cat and the cards of that Egyptian Art Nouveau deck so neither could be trying to chastise me knock some sense into my overthinking circles.) Maybe I'll see my way to holding faith/hope again once things move into Pisces and/or Aries and it's all about the feels and the fiery will, but right now with everything piled up in fixed air? All I see since the sun moved out of Capricorn is the long term lack of communication, lack of movement, lack of basic caring/empathy to change, and the  immediacy of the need for me to focus my energies elsewhere it can be useful for the greater good. And none of that points to reasons to hold faith in Eric or to think he has any desires or intentions of choosing to have me in his life -- no matter what my cat or the cards seem to say about the matter....

 Yes it still gets worse from here before it can get better or lead to healing. Much worse. Remember this is still the accelerated course for those who never lived more than three incarnations here and the review for those who did who may have forgotten or chosen wrongly in the past. It gets worse still. It gets a lot worse still. And you have to choose and you have to act from your ethical core not your fear. And it's a collective choice to be better and do better decides which path this takes. (Spoiler alert: even the best fatelines get worse before they get better. And we will NOT be talking about the bleakest darkest timelines ...) 

Yes the country is still under a freezer spell targeting those who voted and chose this and their twisted religious theology rationalizing cruelty and hate in the name of Christo-fascism. Yes this is not the last time for it. Yes this is a greatly supportive time for baneful protective magic and deity work (most of the deities are calling their own to fight.) Yes the Caelliach and Wendigo and frost giants still have open season to hunt and remove from the board all who have signed contracts or given orders or written the plans or pray for it to succeed or have taken actions to further this regime. You are all open season for spiritual entities to take you off the board.

Yes I mean everything I said, it just didn't need to be left laying around for n'importe qui.

And yes, tomorrow (Mon) Mars conjuncts Pluto in Aquarius following the sun, moon, Venus, and Mercury cazimis followed by pluto conjunctions. And yes on Tues Neptune moves out of Pisces into Aries. (And soon Saturn will move into Aries as well.) And that all means more violence, more volatility, more action, more heroes and martyrs. And everybody likes to remember that Aquarius is the sign of the good of all people, but it's also the sign of inflexible autocrats on its shadow side. It is the sister sign of Leo whose shadow side is selfish kings/queens motivated by their own greed and self interest.

I just realized that I forgot to share the Astro Poets Horoscopes for this week, whoops! I suppose I could have waited until Sunday to have the next ones, but also, my Sunday is claimed all day and then I have a lot of plans in the week so if I waited for that, it might be several weeks stacked up before I remembered. And not even just because of general ADHD out of sight out of mine or time blindness, just because very busy this coming week. 

So I figured I would make sure to do that while hanging out with Waffles and Sophie at work until my parents flight gets in, listening to British news, drinking coffee and hot cocoa, and reading. I was going to take Sophie to my parents house then head home because it's wicked cold outside (today and tomorrow the highs don't get above 0F) -- but I couldn't get Sophie to go to the bathroom and didn't want to leave her at the house for hours without anyone to let her out if she needed without that. Also, when I asked her if she wanted to go to the house to wait alone for my parents she would hide in her bed insist she wanted to be with us not left alone. Shed come out for food and treats and to play and to cuddle, but even asking her if she wanted to go to the house until my parents got back and she would hide. So I let my parents know and my da said he would come get her after dropping off mum and the luggage at the house.

[Long portion redacted and copied to a private draft as it's not information for n'importe qui.]

 My parents just came to pickup Sophie -- so I'm going to start the car to warm up the engine before Waffles and I head home to our sweet graymalkin Griffin waiting for us. And I think, tonight is a night for pouring myself a week drama of Scotch and/or Irish whiskey once I'm home and don't plan to go anywhere any time soon. And maybe I'll make some midnight French toast or bread pudding since I have some older cinnamon bread to us up and I never did make a proper dinner and my sleep schedule is currently all askew again... that's a future me decision to make though. But tea and whiskey when I get home sound delightful!! Tomorrow will be a long day. Not for me personally, collectively. Don't need to be an astrologer to know that.

So anyway,  here's the promised Astro Poets Horoscopes for this week we just had.

Astro Poets Horoscope:

 "Week of 1/18 in Libra: Love and productivity are on the horizon. Right now a gentle rest. Some orange and yellow blend. Some green and blue alight. The mountain on its side is a dream."

"Week of 1/18 in Pisces: Something found. And it could be this. That is exactly as it should be. So true. So it lets go with truth." 

  

 I've been quiet here again recently. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Not certain.... Just an isness thing, lol.

I did start writing a couple times then stopped, got distracted, and never posted. None of it is really all that important, I don't think. The first was a catch up post on the 18th (about getting to see the Broadway tour of Hamilton and Chris Thile solo shows last week Thurs and Sat, respectively, but then stopped part way through writing it and kind of forgot about it. (Both of which were AMAZING!!!! Minor critique on the Hamilton tour is that they sped up the tempo, especially on the ballads. And I understand it's a loooong show and if you're not going to cut songs, which you shouldn't, then you have to shave off time where you can. But also, it was noticeable the tempo change and the lack of sustaining any notes or brushing over the intentional pauses/silences in the original writing.  Still a fantastic show and the cast was really great but the sped up tempo made my hackles go up a little.) But it wasn't particularly important.

And then I started writing Mon night a separate post while curled up on the couch because it was so cold outside but got up to put the kettle on for some tea after I finished my wine and completely forgot to come back to it. Whoops. I don't think anything in it was SUPER important, but here you can have it if you want it (though I think it might just be a lot of words with little substance) :

"But tonight I am staying home with my animals  because it is bitterly cold, in the negative Fahrenheit raw temperatures, the sort of cold that when I try to take the dog outside to the bathroom, I have to bundle us both up and then take the car out of the heated garage, drive us to the circle, get out for her to do her business which she might not be able to do, and then bundle us both back into the car to drive over to the vins to throw out her poop bag, then drive the car back into the heated underground garage. I wish I wasn't exaggerating. My last dog, Audrey Pupburn, who was at least half Yorkie had hair (which could grow out long for winter) not fur with no undercoat would on days like this go put her nose to the balcony door when I asked her if she wanted to go outside and if the balcony doors were too cold on her nose she would back up growling and hugging then refuse to go out until the door met her nose test. As in, she would nonviolent protest by hiding, laying down, forcing me to drag or carry her out the door, and down the stairs and outdoors.... And since she never had an accident while refusing to go outside in such cold, I learned not to push her on it, to just gently ask her and trust her feelings when she tested the balcony door with her nose. My current dog, Waffles Finnuala O'Whoofigans, is somehow even less suited for bitterly cold Arctic blast temperatures than Audrey Anne Pupburn was... Waffles was born in Texas then brought to Washington shelter/humane societies (the south is far worse than the north for shelters and spay/neuter programs so a lot of northern shelters have paretnerships with southern high kill shelters to bring animals north where demand for pets is higher and spay/neuter programs including TNT are more common) which is where my sister's family adopted her during the COVID pandemic. She is a short legged long torso mutt listed as standard Dachshund mix on her adoption forms but her mom was a standard Dachshund pittie mix and her dad was some sort of white terrier and she clearly has some beagle and maybe some cattle hound in her.  What she ISN'T is designed for Wisconsin winters -- she has practically no undercoat and her belly and inside of her legs have very bare skin like most dachshunds and her body type is unusual enough I haven't been able to find a dog snow suit that fits her and most dog coats leave bare the parts of her with the least fur..... If I try to take her out the front door to the sidewalk, before we can reach the sidewalk grass for her to even try to pee she will start full body shivering leaning into me and eventually not able to move until she just lasts down collapses shivering so badly she needs to  be carried back inside and can't move or walk until she warms up. She also does that if she tries to go out to the backyard at my parents house and even sometimes at work (though the yard is closer there with no steps)  when it's stupidly cold and I need to go out with her carry her back inside when she starts full body shivering freezes up can't move her feet or legs.  She is absolutely not a dog designed for the Arctic vortex moving down -- anything getting into single digit Fahrenheit temps or below I have to be extra cautious with her I have learned.... Friday and Saturday are supposed to be worse  with Friday being absolutely terrible highs may not get above 0F and Wednesday theu Friday I will have both dogs until my parents get back from Phoenix -- I may honestly just keep the dogs with me and work all night not leave to go home to my cat until after people are there at work to spend the day with Sophie rather than take them to the house overnight.... That currently seems the best plan to most easily be able to get the dogs outside for their business and bring Waffles back in without her full body shivering unable to move.... 

Anyway. I tried to take her outside earlier this evening during the "warmest" part of the day (2F) and she was jaunty and excited needing to go but froze up shivering before she used the potty and wouldn't even step in the snow just lay down and then rolled over asking me to carry her back in to the car and hold her while she shook from the cold.... So my plan for tomorrow is we will head to work early afternoon so she can go out there when it will be warmed and I can get some hours in across the afternoon since it's supposed to snow fairly heavily for a bit overnight.  I feel terrible about it, because she's just not going to the bathroom and holding it in for longer than she should, but also I tried when it was the warmest it would be until like 10am tomorrow getting back up that warm and she was still THAT cold couldn't even with it so there's no way she could handle -6F it's getting down to tonight.... Thurs night through Sat is going to be extra difficult with her since it will be even colder. 

So right now, I'm just at home with my fur babies listening to Eric's songs and reading. I made a big batch of slow cooker chili across today and I am finishing up the last of the half bottle of red wine I opened to deglaze the meat and to drink with it. I actually like best pairing red wines (like a pinot noir) with chili even more than beer -- probably because I cook chili I the winter at times I want cozy room temp or warmer beverages...  I cook chili a lot actually when the weather gets cold because it's super cozy easy comforting freezes well to just make a big batch and future me will happily enjoy leftovers -- and every time I make it it's different! I generally make it very spicy and use beef and black beans, but like today I'd run out of kidney beans never bought more since last time I made it so I used chickpeas to replace them. (I always keep dried black beans, chickpeas, and lentils in the pantry cupboard -- as much if more more of a staple to always have on hand than rice for me.)  But I'm very non traditional in how I get the blend of flavors in it -- like I almost always put some coffee and dark beer in the beans with tomatoes/peppers slow cooking mix with the spices and then I always add red wine to the brown butter ground beef. And if I need to thicken it up round out the flavors I use a small amount of chocolate instead of flour or cornstarch. I usually brown butter slow cook caramelize the onions before they get added in, sometimes with beer if I have one on hand but most of the time just butter and diced onions over low heat. Also sometimes mushrooms sliced smaller cooked with the onions for extra umami flavor/depth. And sometimes squash or pumpkin if I have some to use up because it cooks in nicely adds complex sweetness and extra vitamin a and c. Chili, curry, and even pasta sauces are a place you can easily sneak in squash, carrot, tomato, mushroom, and even some greens like spinach or chard for vegetable hating picky eaters if you chop them fine enough cook them down enough, lol.  I usually use frozen death peppers (I grow super hot peppers, think Carolina reaper and ghost peppers and Trinidad scorpion, alongside habaneros and poblanos and sometimes sweet peppers so they cross pollinate into a deliciously fruity super spicy hybrids of my own that most people just call my death peppers and death habaneros since they are spicier than most habaneros) and tomatoes from previous summer harvests rather than canned tomatoes or paste or fresh tomatoes -- I want the flavor and for it to cook down to mush which is why I freeze my excess tomato harvest whole for cooking down from frozen into chili and curries and sauces where you want the flavor/nutrients but don't need the structural integrity of a fresh tomato.... I also use ketchup and hot sauce and Worcestershire sauce and a small amount of soy sauce in my chili based on tasting it and if I don't have chili powder in my cabinet I mix my own with some garlic powder and cumin and paprika and cayenne and usually something smoky like gochugaru peppers or the Trader Joe's smoked ghost pepper grinder... This is why it tastes different every time I cook it but always umami slow cooked delicious whatever my mood is when I make it. And as you can tell, I am not a chili purist so I'm very much pro cheese and sour cream (or if you're out of sour cream, you can use cream cheese or even mayonnaise) and I love it with crackers (I prefer oyster crackers over saltine style but controversial take is that my favorite crackers are Goldfish on my chili, usually I but the whole grain or colored with veggies to pretend it's a healthy thing to have in my pantry; I also really love to put Goldfish topping my tomato soup and red pepper soup for a bit of cheesy crunchy with it) or cornbread or Cincinnati style over spaghetti noodles or filling/topping potatoes or with a fried egg on top if I'm eating it with a veggie hash for breakfast...  I have opinions about chili and I make amazing chili no matter what I use in it, but I'm definitely not a purist about it -- I've even been know to add curry powder into the flavor meld of flavors to help it balance, lol. Like, it should be hearty umami rich spicy meld of meat/beans/nightshades/caramelized onions/spices but within those parameters there's a lot of room to play to get the complex balance I want.... I do love a good green chili (especially with pulled chicken or turkey) but I make it as rarely as I make green curries -- I order them from other people more than I cook them myself because I specialize in other varieties of chili/curry flavor profiles that usually end up in the red/yellow/spicy arena and that's alright. Anyway, I make delicious chili and I tend to make it whenever it gets super cold and the body just desires cozy hygge meals -- but no two batches I make are ever identical and I can't give you a recipe because I make it up as I go along within certain parameters, lol. It's the sort of thing you will miss when I am gone and never be able to repeat no matter how many times you watch me make it....

So anyway. Tonight is stupidly stupidly cold outside but I am at home very loving cozy hygge with my dog and my cat (who is in his version of feline nirvana heaven having all day and night with me home AND Eric's music playing) happy full of delicious chili and agape snuggly wine drunk on the last of the red wine from the half bottle I used in the chili tonight. (Yes, only 1 can of beer and half a bottle of wine both used parts of it in cooking and tonight I could feel it even first sips of the beer and the wine. Fun fact: women metabolize alcohol differently at different parts of their cycles -- sometimes they can drink men under the table not feel it and sometimes a single beer or half a glass of wine will make them feel tipsy. If you're a woman, learn your cycle and be extra cautious with liquor before/during/right after ovulation depending on when your hormone shift affects your alcohol metabolism most and if you're a man, keep an eye on the women in your life when they are about halfway between periods and don't let them drive or trust strangers because they are much more light weight than their normal for a 3-7 day span in there depending on the woman and her hormones shift. But like, you're not crazy, it's a biological fact for how stronger/progesterone levels affect metabolism of sugars/alcohol and if men take estrogen/progesterone shots they also can fluctuate cyclically in the same ways for what their alcohol tolerance looks like.)

Ummm. Anyway so let's get caught up on what I've been up to recently then." 

And then that's when I got up and forgot about the post or trying to integrate it with what else has been going on in my world, lol.

I stayed at work all night Tues night with both the dogs because my parents were leaving home at like 4am for a work trip to Arizona and we're still here until Sarah arrives and I can do pupper handoff and let them know that the dogs had breakfast and Sophie had her thyroid med. I also stayed at work all night tonight (I'm at work still writing this actually) because of how drastic the Arctic blast over Wisconsin (and the general area from Thurs night thru Sun and it would be -19F actual temperature (even lower windchill real feel) at 9am or so to try to get the dogs into my cold car to take them into work. I haven't decided yet about if I'm going to go home during the daytime to check on my cat or just stay at work -- the warmest hours of the day are around 3-4pm when it will be -10F. "Warmest." HA! My parents flight is supposed to get back in around 10pm tomorrow night when i need to hand off their dog and then I intend to just stay home the remainder of Fri night thru Sun morning. I do have to go downtown extra early on Sun for svd training at 10am (before brunch at 11:30 then symphony at 2:30.)  I was originally scheduled for Sat morning but with the cold, I rescheduled it for tonight (Thurs night) but then had a migraine with the high pressure cold front moving in. So Sun morning it will be rather than having to walk between my parked car and the building in the bitter bitter cold and then not even knowing if my car will start (even if parked in a garage) and where to be until I can get AAA to come help. But SVD requires in person training and that's when we sign out oath soooo.... Then I have SVD in the mornings on Mon, Tues, Weds next week. AND on Tues night heading to Racine to see Gadan at JJ'S on Tues night. I may get scheduled for later in the week but don't yet know. And then Fri night would be Gadan at Viroqua (but we didn't buy tickets, waiting on weather and after seeing them at JJ'S to ticket level commit) and on Sat is an afternoon UW Badgers basketball game then that evening going to see Gadan in Madison at Bur Oak. The actual primary election that the SVD (helping people in permanent care facilities vote, which we do early as possible for them to be mailed ballots if they don't vote with us and still get it back in time) isn't until Feb 17 and even though I told them I was available all day, I'm scheduled 1p-close as an elections official which means I can vote early at the library or go vote that morning at my actual polling place for once if I want.On verra.

Speaking of politics. Like I said, worse before it gets better.... Still in the worse and people having to learn by direct accelerated experience from the past they never lived.  Do what you can do and what you have to do where you can. And understand this is a time of collective free will shifts for humanity as a whole NOT about the heroics of individual leaders/martyrs saving the day -- your strength is in your ally coalitions building mutual support. And I say that as someone generally distrustful of mob mentality because it is deadly unpredictable....

 

Ummm, let's see. I have a new online crush. Only a little bit joking, lol. Frederick Atkinson is very much physically my type (though I can't actually tell his age or sexuality) and he posts on socials about classic literature and history and his takes are very much aligned with mine. That said, he's in London and absolutely no real world connections whatsoever so very much an online limerance crush. He's just very much my type and I very much enjoy his insta posts and his lengthy youtube lectures/podcasts -- in fact he speaks fast enough and I like his voice enough that I watch his videos at regular speed not double speed like I watch/listen to most youtubes/podcasts I watch that aren't music or news. Often they're about periods of English history and literature I already know (this is part of my areas I have studied rather more extensively than most people after all) and books I already own and/or have read -- but I definitely have a list of his recommendations of those that are NOT part of my uni reading lists or that I have randomly acquired over time. I've been very much enjoying watching/listening to them. But that said, I mostly only watch them at work -- Griffin does NOT seem to like me watching Frederick's videos same as he doesn't like me watching/listening to Martin or Skerryvore generally and will try to knock my phone out of my hand or attack my hand holding my phone when I watch them. He is very firmly on team Eric as far as where I should be placing any interest in men and he makes his opinions known. (as well as his music preferences -- I'm sure my neighbors are starting to hate how few songs I have for us to listen to given that's all Griffin listens to and I won't add the Delta Rae songs to the playlist so long as hearing even the songs I loved from them makes me feel the "you're not welcome, you can't sit with us" ostracism bullying. I've tried, but as long as that's undealt with and I remain blocked on their instagram account, I can't even listen to the band's songs without feeling that they're not meant for me and I'm unwelcome as a fan and a listener. New songs are of no interest to me and I can't even listen to the songs I loved very much anymore because of it -- I haven't listened to anything of theirs since their 2023 tour when i went to the Madison show to take the hooks out of the girls from the entity based in Minneapolis/St. Paul that I'd ferreted out and marked and removed from this plane earlier that year. To the best of my ability, I give them what they asked for in blocking me on instagram all those years ago -- neither the girls nor anything from the band exist to me. Which means that the band's songs can't be added to the playlist of Eric's songs for me and my cat who adores his songs more than any other music I've ever tried to have my cat listen to. Is what it is. 

 Speaking of Griffin, he has been so loving and snuggly this last week! He had a rough day (until I promised the 2am deer i the snow and multiple gods and my cat that I wouldn't do anything stupid cross the Mississippi at the dark of the moon -- don't ask) but ever since I made and kept that promise, Griffin has since just become a bundle of cuddly love. even with my schedule being a bit messed up with watching Sophie for 3 nights/3 days this week. 

 I haven't yet figured out what to cook up for the cold on Fri/Sat while staying at home (especially since I just made a batch of chili on Mon for the cold) but I'm thinking maybe some fish curry based on what I have on hand... 

 O! And also, next week (Sun-Fri) is Madison restaurant week (3 course meals at some local restaurants -- $20 at lunch and $30-50 for dinners) which is exciting! I do always enjoy Restaurant Week! I think that current plan is lunch at Buck & Honey on the way out of town to Racine, lunch at Craftsman on Fri even if we don't head to Viroqua. Crissy and I are excited for the dinner options at Heritage and my mum and I are excited for the dinner options at The Statehouse but don't have plans yet for exactly which days we're thinking to do it...

I don't really have anything further to say about the subjects of my most recent posts. Why would I have anything more to say at this point? What has changed? Nothing. Exactly. (Although there has been a lot of random flooding of love down the bond, especially in the early mornings.) So I've just been focusing on my lived life and those within it (and yes, a new online crush limerance for a tall lanky blonde British boy who can take nerdy about literature and history) and not letting me think about those who aren't in my life or even trying to be in my life even just to visit at this point. And the world is such an obvious polarity of what's going on that writing about it here won't help or change anything.   That is what it is. And we're still not yet at the worst of the things I've precogged.

Anyway. I clearly don't have any point in writing here, just rambling because I realized it had been a little while again. Stay safe/warm wherever you are this weekend -- whether you're in the 50F windchills "you will get frostbite in under 10mins of exposed skin" area like me or in the severe winter storm pushed super far south where they don't know how to handle or drive on snow/ice because they don't generally need to know how to drive on it.  

 I think that a large part of my doubting and overthinking uncertainty in him is because.... 

Because it's not that neither of us has dated other people or because we couldn't love other people find a different sort of happiness with those choices. It's just I did so eyes wide open never lying to myself. I always knew that there was a part of myself tied up in the bond inaccessible to anyone else and everything else was denying the bond and there would always be a hollowness empty space shaped like him inside any other relationship I built -- everyone else was only ever because I didn't believe I could have the promise of the bond. Either couldn't have it at that time because our paths hadn't crossed or didn't think I could have it at all this life. But I never once lied to myself, I always loved and considered relationship building knowing it was a distant second best could never eradicate or bury or destroy the bond and the promise for could bes within it. 

That's not how he has loved other women, by his own admissions. He has always genuinely believed that whatever relationship he was in, that love was the only love for him while he was caught up in it, that he had found the great love of his life -- he loved in a way that either denied the bond or lied to himself about it. I wouldn't have believed him and forced myself to let him go and try to deaden the bond if at those times he didn't genuinely believe whatever woman he was enamoured of was the one and only greatest love of his life while he was in those relationships. He believed it completely and so I believed him -- you can't lie to the bond nor can it lie to me, no more than I could lie to him via the bond because he'd always know my true feelings/beliefs echoing inside him if he listens within his inmost self -- it only echoes in us the truths of whatever the other is genuinely feeling at that time.

And that's why I doubt him, doubt his love, doubt his awareness of the bond, doubt that he actually desires me, doubt that he won't just find some other woman to be enamoured of. Because he's done it before and made himself fully believe and feeling it deeply enough that my only answer to him feeling what he felt was to say, "clearly you believe this and therefore the bond connecting between our souls isn't something you value or desire in your life so it's best it be rendered dormant so you can pursue what you have chosen for yourself this life." If he could feel that way and believe it, either denying the bond entirely or lying to himself that what he felt for someone else was the bond, then why shouldn't I expect him to do it again? What will have changed? Why should I trust and believe anything is different? After all, he completely believed it before each time that someone else was the one for him -- how can I trust it won't happen again when he gets lonely and bored and desperate for anyone who sort of fits what he thinks he wants for him to invest his heart in so completely that it echoes down the bond he once again believes he has found the one he wants who is everything to him? 

Is it any surprise that even his silences make me question and get defensive? That hearing the dropping sand in the hourglass doesn't make me believe he's finding his way back to me via the bond but instead it makes me prickly defensive waiting for the shoe to drop on him landing on whoever he's grown lonely and desperate enough to truly believe is his one true love he's been seeking? 

I have never dated nor considered dating blindly while lying to myself about the bond and the power and pull of it. He has. Many times.Which makes me doubt him, both in his silences and when he believes he has found the love of his life.... 

Why else would I be so ready to give up on him and to look elsewhere and so quick to promise that the moment he tangles another woman around his heart again so it echoes down the bond, I'll block her energy and anyone she's twined through from reaching me and cut him off from the bond as thoroughly as if it were fully dormant again? Because I expect him to do that again, I expect that choice of him and I expect him to fully believe in it when he does it. Because that has been his pattern. And I don't expect anything else from him anymore, I often doubt if he even recognizes the bond for what it is. I know he feels the absence of it when he can't reach it but he hasn't shown any recognition of what the presence of it is....at least not in any ways that I have seen. 

That's why I doubt him. Because we've both dated other people and loved other people -- but I never lied to myself or anyone else that everything else was just a distant second place shadow compared to what's in the bond. And he's never seemed to feel that or understand it. He's always completely believed someone else he chose because he was lonely and desperate and found someone he could idolize his idea of them showed up right then and thus that she was the love of his life until the absence of the bond became too much for him to ignore or lie to himself about.  

And that's why I doubt him, doubt his love, doubt his choices, doubt his silences, doubt that I won't have to once again deny the bond and do whatever needs to be done to silence it. I doubt him because he genuinely truly believed in his past loves as the only person he ever wanted to love in complete denial of the bond, and that's not a lie I was ever willing to tell myself in anyone else I've ever loved.

 That's why I doubt him and doubt his love. It's why I am full of defensiveness and doubts where there should only be faith and trust. 

It's not what I want to be true, but I'm not going to lie to myself about it. Maybe I should be acknowledging, "yes this has been true and is currently true -- how do we change things so it's no longer true?" but I don't see how I can do that when what made it true and what it's built on are about his choices and feelings and beliefs and me having to face them as being his truth at those times.... Like, how am I supposed to go about changing that? Lie to myself about his truths? Force his truth or his choices to be something other than what he makes them? It's not my nature to knowingly lie to myself or to coerce free will choices.  

So am I just supposed to stay full of doubts and defensiveness and trying to move forward with the expectation that whatever I choose for myself I'll be forced to deny the bond silence it again because I'm expecting from him the same patterns he's always chosen this life? Like what am I supposed to do here? What else do I have to go on? Why should I believe that anything has changed, that this time is different, that he recognizes and values the bond? Why would I believe any of those things to be his truth now when they never have been before? Why would I expect anything other than to expect he will fall back into repeating his old patterns again when he meets someone he can idolize his idea of her to fill his loneliness and desperation and make himself genuinely believe she's the love of his life he's always been seeking? 

Why shouldn't I be full of doubts and defensive when I listen to the overthinking or slip back into the martyring of making me let him go preemptively when he acts in ways to make me believe there can be no place for me in his life? Because deep down, I still believe that he's going to fall for someone else convince himself until he genuinely believes that she is the one for him and I'm going to be left having to deny and silence the bond yet again to stop the overlays from reaching me of his emotions within his choices. And I'm so very tired of that being the only choice open to me based on his choices, so sometimes even me giving up on him and the bond instead intentionally choosing second best feels a better bet than staying stuck in this stupid toxic cycle. 

 I dunno. I've thought myself into a corner again and all I have to show for it is giving myself a headache and a stomach ache over it all, making it harder for me to keep the bubble of my protected space keeping it free of the outside energy currents of this moment of space/time in history... I'm going to go lay down for a bit and let my fur babies curl up on me like a living breathing weighted blanket, maybe take a nap or just rest and meditate until my natural optimism bubbles back up to the surface until I believe that maybe he has grown and changed enough this time is different. And then I will once again have my typical well of energy/chi so I can keep my home sanctuary secure and I can be smiling happy when I go see other humans this evening. 

But anyway. I'm sorry for my doubting him. I wish I didn't. You have no idea how much I wish I didn't. But I do. And that's at the deepest root I can find for the doubt and why I can't seem to see any reason to think anything has changed in his patterns as he has shown his truth and his choices to lead him. I'd like to be wrong this time. I just don't always have it in me to find reasons to believe I am.

Astro Poets Horoscope:

"Week of 1/11 in Libra: Something that had kindness. An eternity of function. But not of force. This love is forceful. This certain spark inevitable."

"Week of 1/11 in Pisces: You didn’t know. And that’s not the problem. You will know now. Talk it over. Say it with pink and purple."

 

 

 I'm not one to feel fear (even when I should) because I very much have a "you do what you have to do in this situation and there's no time for fear" philosophy in a crisis. But there's a part of me right now that is having a hard time with the fears of the what ifs... "What if he's fallen for another girl again?" "What if he doesn't want me or miss me?" "What if he chooses another path without me in it for this lifetime of his?" "What if either of us were to be with other people and the overlays started again?" "What if I have to do everything in my power to deny the bond and weaken it try to render it dormant again because he's chosen to fall for another woman build his life with her?" 

It's so hard when I've tried to quiet and deaden the bond, it takes so much energy and it hurts so deeply and I can't do it completely the way thr Oak King did that first time. And I can't hardly do it at all if Eric is fighting me on it -- I learned that the hard way in the past when he fought me about it poured himself into keeping the bond alive trying to reach me. I can only have even partial success at rendering the bond asleep when he's distracted chooses other things so he's not caring or paying attention to what I'm doing or to the bond because he thinks to build himself a life without it. And I'm afraid he'll make choices which will require me to have to try to find a way to do it again. It's so exhausting and painful for me to do it -- this last time I cheated and used the Morrigan's "work smarter not harder" work around to block anyone from reaching me with the energy of the lamprey (his then girlfriend he thought was the love of his life -- in dream space she always showed up as a lamprey twined around him feeding on his energy or on anyone who let her attach to them) wound through them. And it only worked for rendering the bond inert for as long as he had her energy twined through him, which really wasn't very long after I did that. It wasn't exhausting to do it that way, it was a once and done use of energy not like the constant energy drain it was fighting to keep the bond asleep while he was fighting to wake it back up reach me down it.... But it still hurt me in my heart and my soul to do that, even if it didn't create a constant energy drain.

But I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that it scares me to think he might be making choices for his life that require it of me again to deny the bond... Because I would if his choices made it clear that was necessary. But it wouldn't be easy even if I knew it to be ethically right in the circumstances, it would hurt, and it would be hard -- and now I know just how deep it hurts and how difficult an energy drain it is for me to maintain unless I can find another anchor point to refuse reaching me.

I don't want it to be asked of me again. I don't want to do it again....and I'm afraid his choices will ask it of me again, that he's already made/making choices that will require it of me and I just can't see them yet.

It's probably stupid of me. But fear is an emotion that feeds on itself to grow stronger. And I don't have any ways to counter it tell it it's completely wrong and it needs to shut up. I just know he's done it before and I don't see what's to stop him from choosing that again now with some other girl and then I'll be once again left with having to choose between the overlays/dreams I receive from him or having to do whatever is necessary to render the bond inert/dormant. And I don't want to have to face that choice again and to have to try to deny myself what I want and instead suppress the bond by whatever means I can. 

And so I find myself afraid of his choices. Even though I don't even have any idea about what they are right now. Which is stupid. And I know it's stupid. But that doesn't change it being part of my truth right now.

 This morning after I showered, I was feeling all restless inside not able to settle to focus and read -- just mindlessly opening and closing apps on my phone but not really settling to doom scroll socials or even play mindless games or sudokus for dopamine or anything. And then I decided to get dressed and hated everything I own and then I decided it's not the clothing I'm upset about, it's me and my body and I need to do something about that but too restless not able to focus to do any exercises or dance, so decided to just find something to wear. Finally I chose an outfit based on my feelings about the weather and got dressed because Mikaela would be arriving within the next hour and a half whether I was dressed or not. And then I went to make tea, still internally restless and I sat back down to read and picked up my phone in dissatisfaction instead of the book right next to me and then had this internal flare up at myself started chasing me, "Stop it Dani! Just stop it! You're in a book slump, haven't even finished a book since you got home from the Pac Northwest, and do you know why? It's because you're denying yourself. You're trying to make you read and finish books that you got it into your head you ought to read and they don't interest you enough right now because the outside world is shite and you just want an escapist fantasy where the bad guys can be defeated and a romantic happy ending where the destined loves win. And that's okay, you have lots of those you haven't read yet. Just stop fucking denying yourself what you want in the name of ought to and pick a damn fantasy duology or trilogy and devour it because you know what you want and trying to pretend with ought tos is just making you fritter away time not getting anywhere damnit!!! You're allowed to choose to have what you actually desire!"

And then on that wave of defiance against my internalized ought tos, I grabbed up another book started in on it and got so engrossed into it I was walking around reading to make the second steep of my tea instead of doing anything productive while waiting on the kettle (this is one of my ADHD hacks I discovered work for me -- I do small tidying up chore tasks racing the clock of water boiling when the kettle whistles at me that it's time to steep tea and I'm done unless I want to come back to it.) And I was reading and waiting on the stove timer to tell me my tea was done steeping and happily munching some christmas cookies from the freezer (I was gone at the holidays but my best friend always bakes lots of christmas cookies and she left me six different kinds she baked that freeze well in my freezer for when I got home) when it suddenly hit me: 

None of those big feels was about my reading habits. 

None of it. 

Not my internal restlessness. Not my anger. Not my lecturing me. Not my conclusion. 

I was mad at society accepting what people think they can't change even when everyone hates it knows it to be toxic and cruel. And I was mad at myself restless because I had once again let myself listen to the ought tos of the assumptions around what Eric wants to build his life back into my mind to plague me into the martyrdom of letting him go looking elsewhere not claiming what I desire. And all because of one stupid moment of feeling unwelcome ostracized from him over something that was a dynamic created years ago with no damn thing to do with what he or I wanted then or want now. 

I wasn't angry about my book choices, I was angry at them as being a symptom of me falling into a pattern of heeding the ought tos rather than listening to my heart about what I damn well desire to fill my finite life with. 

Because it's crystal clear to me what I want. It's just the thinking I can't have it or that what I want doesn't want me back that makes me listen to the internalized ought tos. 

And that's fucking stupid. Especially if it keeps me in a discontent holding pattern not able to do anything with myself. 

Fuck it. I'm allowed to choose what I actually desire damnit! And I know what I want. I want reunion with Eric this life and a chance to build a shared life path. 

And I'm a damn fool to internalize any arguments to the contrary. Even when they come from my own logical rational fear goaded mind telling me I can't have what I want. 

It wasn't my reading choices I was angry at making me restless, it was what they represented to me of a pattern of decision making since I got home that had nothing to do with my desires. 

So fuck it. I'm going to read this dark fantasy retelling of fairytales duology. And I'm going to believe that there's a way to get what I want and not be blocking my own shot. You miss 100% of the things you talk yourself out of even trying for. Fuck that.  My polar bear and I deserve better odds than what we get if we don't even have the courage to try for what we desire. So fuck the internalized ought tos. Life is too short not to choose wholeheartedly what you know you actually desire. In love even more than in books. 

Now. I'm at a chapter break and I texted Mikaela my breakfast bagel order and shared my epiphany that it wasn't my books upsetting me and my phone is at 17% waiting on M to text me she's here and I haven't ground the coffee yet for when she gets here. So I'm going to go plug my phone in, follow his profile again because I want it, put on the playlist of Eric's solo songs/downloads to hear his voice and his words, and start making coffee and after breakfast I'll go back to devouring this book because damnit I DO know what my heart wants and I am allowed to fucking choose that to fill my life with once I know what I desire!! 

P. S. When Mikaela got here with breakfast bagels, she told me excitedly after I told her coffee wasn't ready yet because I got distracted "For whatever reason, I just feel Audrey so strongly. And I've had such bad anxiety these last couple weeks. And then suddenly this morning I just suddenly felt Audrey surrounding me in spirit and so much puppy joy from her!" Her timing on feeling Audrey's spirit was exactly when my temper broke and I realized what I was restless discontented upset at me over. And it's interesting because as she got older and would sometimes get sad when we listened to Billy Joel and George Winston would ask me, "but when do I get to meet my dad?" so as she started to feel her age I promised Audrey Pupburn that if I was able to get things together and have a kid this life before I hit my biological clock couldn't have kids, she could come back to me in her next life as my son -- and if not I'd find her as a puppy again if I never had kids of my own. Also for the nearly 15 years of her life, from when she was just a small 12 week old puppy, I always teased my Pisces pup that she got all her intense emo from her dad not from me and she told me when she got sick at the end that she was sorry she never got to meet her dad in that body but she was going to hold me to my promise use all her efforts between bodies to make it come true and she was excited to meet her dad someday in her next body and see if he really is where she got her emo from.  So I found that timing interesting that I had that burning moment of clarity about me being stupid settling not choosing what I want and at the same time Mikaela felt Audrey's spirit strongly joyously taking away her anxiety of the past couple weeks.

P. P. S. Whitten's For the Wolf was exactly the right book for the mood I was in this morning. Even for what I ended up deciding to wear because I was upset that it's so warm we're getting nearly an inch of rain in January instead of the more seasonally appropriate snow. 

P. P. P. S. Just realized. So this Venus cazimi then Venus meeting Mars (and tomorrow the Mars cazimi) is all happening right directly on my natal moon in the center of it (Yeah. Moon in Capricorn. First quarter moon. I was supposed to be born a Virgo during a waning crescent moon but I was late insisted on being a Libra with a waxing quarter moon in Capricorn. It's probably why I'm a little too good at being stoic through emotional compartmentalizing to do what I feel has to be done. But also, people talk about Cancer being the moon sign, but Capricorn is the sister sign opposite so if Cancer is like the fullest moon of the zodiac then Capricorn moons are the new moon of the zodiac, and I'm way more sensitive to which signs the moon is affecting the intensity/shapes of my emotions than any Cancer placements I've ever met.) anyway. I just realized. My fiery response this morning was during the Venus Mars conjunction and my realization it's time to clear out the idea there's no place for me in his life as toxic happened at the Venus cazimi. I tend to take astrology as interesting theory but not verifiable but sometimes the correlations are too stunningly accurate to discount. 

 I did tell you for quite a while now that what I precogged coming in was intense and a lot of bad at the start of the coming year and I didn't want to talk about it here... This is only the beginning of what I have seen will be happening at the national/global level. It gets worse before it gets better. But then it does get better. (For those who survive to the other side of it all.) But we're still in the time of the young souled people who didn't live more than three past lives through human history to crash course through the lessons they missed so they can make informed choices to build better as a species level choices.

Which is probably why at the personal level there's such a collective push toward healing and self-integration and the shadow work of where we're standing in the way of our own desires and dreams.  Myself included. Even with my self-imposed blinders on precogging any happy surprises (and sports) in my life, I'm feeling the urge to face and purge and heal the blocks (some of them built across past lifetimes that had to be learned then but were taken too far so it's time to unlearn -- including some of the ones related to the bond and/or related to him making life path choices that create a life with no place for me in it) I have helped to create from getting to the future paths I DESIRE to walk rather than the ones we have been on. Because if we don't do that, time is running out to ever have the chance to do it in these bodies in this lifetime. But good news: it does feel like the hard work of dismantling our own unexamined false premises is happening. The personal fatelines are actually so bright right now. If you can't see them, you have no idea. But I promise you they are! 

It will get better at a social/global level. But it will get worse first. And even more in your face symbolism in case you don't see the lines clearly yet. And if it doesn't get better, the Earth Mother herself will force her hand to fix the imbalances. So let's just hope humanity as a species can learn the lessons to choose better ways. Before the choices are removed from human free will options.

 

In other news, I should pack up so the dog and I head home from work fairly soon -- Mikaela is planning to come over tomorrow (well today now) to hang out with me and my fur babies since she doesn't have classes on Thursdays again this semester

 I. Well no, I can't promise I've learned not to ever again try to render the bond asleep and to give him up thinking it's what he wants based on his freewill choices. I'm sorry, I wish I could promise that but I can't at this time. Because I don't know his choices, current or future, and I don't know enough about what guides him in his choices to promise I won't once again find myself in a situation where what seems best to me for him to have what he chooses for his life requires that I let him go and remove myself as best I can including at the soul deep level of the bond. I would only do it if I thought it what he wanted and chose for his own happiness. Even with having observed that he doesn't seem to handle it well whenever I've tried to render the bond dormant, I could convince myself it's only been coincidence that he's had such deep inner turmoil and hurt every time I've tried to quiet the bond -- I don't KNOW it to be causality after all, it could just be correlation. I don't even know that he feels and recognizes the pull of the bond even if it is ours not mine... It could just be something inside me and not something he feels inside him at all. I don't have any certainty which means I could rationalize myself into denying his side of the bond if his choices supported that interpretation of what I can know of his side.

I can promise you that I won't do it again unless he makes choices that make me feel there's no place for me in his life. I could even promise him if he asked that I'll tell him give him a chance to fix things before I act on such feelings, that I'd tell him what was making me feel there's no place for me in his life and his choices make me believe he'd be happier if I removed myself from him and I wouldn't act on it until we'd had time to talk it over between us.  These are promises I could make even now with all the lacunae in what I know of his side of things. 

I can't promise more. Not without knowing that it's me pulling away trying to deaden the bond that sends him so deep into dark night of the soul trying to cope with that emptiness until he can fix it restore it. Not without knowing what he is actually wanting and choosing for himself now. Not without knowing how he sees me fitting into his life and his choices for the future. 

Is that enough? For now at least. To know what I can promise now and what I would need to know for me to promise more in the future?

I know the bond is wyrd. I know it's not any part of how most people do modern dating or courtship or relationship building... I've dated the modern way and I always knew there was some part of me reserved that only the bond can reach and questioned if that was enough or if it was fair to whoever I was dating to keep building the relationship on those terms. I question the same thing even now whenever I have considered dating other men as my way of coping with not thinking I can be with Eric this life. The bond is wyrd. It both complicates and simplifies things. And it's not a cord that can be cut like most empath and karmic cords -- this is something deeper and older and it's the only one like this in me. I genuinely can't remember any incarnating life of mine without it and I can't remember how we forged it or when. I know it's isness but not the why or how or when of it. Like I said, the bond is wyrd.

And. I don't know how aware of it he is or how much he feels it recognizes it in this life.  I don't know if he feels it as strongly as I do or recognizes it for what it is... But that would also affect my promises, if I knew how aware and sensitive to it he is. If I knew how much of what I feel and think reaches him down the bond. I know what my heart tells me of these things and how it reverberates between our souls down the bond -- but that's not the same as head knowing and evidence and him telling me his experiences or lack thereof surrounding the bond. And it's the head that makes the hard logical stoic choices when I don't see what else I could do in a situation. If left to the heart, I'd have just as deep a faith as I used to in the strength of the bond and the inevitability of its pulling us together as I used to before I ever started doubting he was seeking me as I sought him, started doubting his choices had a place for me in his life. If my heart made all the calls, my faith wouldn't be worn so thin questioning the promise that the bond would bring us together this lifetime come hell or high water. 

And that's why I can't make the promise I have learned my lesson won't ever do it again when it comes to trying to quiet the bond -- because I know full well that my head won't listen to my heart if he starts in again on choices that leave no way for our life paths to come together and I see no place for me in his life and he seems happy/excited with the choices he has made for building his life. I can promise that if he chooses me and the bond and has learned the value there to him in his life, then he needn't worry about me trying that again. Not for as long as he's choosing me and the bond between our souls. But that's another if/then clause -- and the fact I don't know the if is why I can't make a more concrete "I've learned my lesson and I won't do it again" promise at this time.  

All that said....this morning the intensity of the flood of his love pouring down the bond left no place for doubting. Not while it's like that. And it's been like that for hours, since just after sunrise. 

I wish it were always like this. That I could always hear his heart this clearly. No matter the distance.

I know why it isn't. Especially with the distances between us at this time. But a girl can still wish.