I'm not one to feel fear (even when I should) because I very much have a "you do what you have to do in this situation and there's no time for fear" philosophy in a crisis. But there's a part of me right now that is having a hard time with the fears of the what ifs... "What if he's fallen for another girl again?" "What if he doesn't want me or miss me?" "What if he chooses another path without me in it for this lifetime of his?" "What if either of us were to be with other people and the overlays started again?" "What if I have to do everything in my power to deny the bond and weaken it try to render it dormant again because he's chosen to fall for another woman build his life with her?" 

It's so hard when I've tried to quiet and deaden the bond, it takes so much energy and it hurts so deeply and I can't do it completely the way thr Oak King did that first time. And I can't hardly do it at all if Eric is fighting me on it -- I learned that the hard way in the past when he fought me about it poured himself into keeping the bond alive trying to reach me. I can only have even partial success at rendering the bond asleep when he's distracted chooses other things so he's not caring or paying attention to what I'm doing or to the bond because he thinks to build himself a life without it. And I'm afraid he'll make choices which will require me to have to try to find a way to do it again. It's so exhausting and painful for me to do it -- this last time I cheated and used the Morrigan's "work smarter not harder" work around to block anyone from reaching me with the energy of the lamprey (his then girlfriend he thought was the love of his life -- in dream space she always showed up as a lamprey twined around him feeding on his energy or on anyone who let her attach to them) wound through them. And it only worked for rendering the bond inert for as long as he had her energy twined through him, which really wasn't very long after I did that. It wasn't exhausting to do it that way, it was a once and done use of energy not like the constant energy drain it was fighting to keep the bond asleep while he was fighting to wake it back up reach me down it.... But it still hurt me in my heart and my soul to do that, even if it didn't create a constant energy drain.

But I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that it scares me to think he might be making choices for his life that require it of me again to deny the bond... Because I would if his choices made it clear that was necessary. But it wouldn't be easy even if I knew it to be ethically right in the circumstances, it would hurt, and it would be hard -- and now I know just how deep it hurts and how difficult an energy drain it is for me to maintain unless I can find another anchor point to refuse reaching me.

I don't want it to be asked of me again. I don't want to do it again....and I'm afraid his choices will ask it of me again, that he's already made/making choices that will require it of me and I just can't see them yet.

It's probably stupid of me. But fear is an emotion that feeds on itself to grow stronger. And I don't have any ways to counter it tell it it's completely wrong and it needs to shut up. I just know he's done it before and I don't see what's to stop him from choosing that again now with some other girl and then I'll be once again left with having to choose between the overlays/dreams I receive from him or having to do whatever is necessary to render the bond inert/dormant. And I don't want to have to face that choice again and to have to try to deny myself what I want and instead suppress the bond by whatever means I can. 

And so I find myself afraid of his choices. Even though I don't even have any idea about what they are right now. Which is stupid. And I know it's stupid. But that doesn't change it being part of my truth right now.