This morning after I showered, I was feeling all restless inside not able to settle to focus and read -- just mindlessly opening and closing apps on my phone but not really settling to doom scroll socials or even play mindless games or sudokus for dopamine or anything. And then I decided to get dressed and hated everything I own and then I decided it's not the clothing I'm upset about, it's me and my body and I need to do something about that but too restless not able to focus to do any exercises or dance, so decided to just find something to wear. Finally I chose an outfit based on my feelings about the weather and got dressed because Mikaela would be arriving within the next hour and a half whether I was dressed or not. And then I went to make tea, still internally restless and I sat back down to read and picked up my phone in dissatisfaction instead of the book right next to me and then had this internal flare up at myself started chasing me, "Stop it Dani! Just stop it! You're in a book slump, haven't even finished a book since you got home from the Pac Northwest, and do you know why? It's because you're denying yourself. You're trying to make you read and finish books that you got it into your head you ought to read and they don't interest you enough right now because the outside world is shite and you just want an escapist fantasy where the bad guys can be defeated and a romantic happy ending where the destined loves win. And that's okay, you have lots of those you haven't read yet. Just stop fucking denying yourself what you want in the name of ought to and pick a damn fantasy duology or trilogy and devour it because you know what you want and trying to pretend with ought tos is just making you fritter away time not getting anywhere damnit!!! You're allowed to choose to have what you actually desire!"

And then on that wave of defiance against my internalized ought tos, I grabbed up another book started in on it and got so engrossed into it I was walking around reading to make the second steep of my tea instead of doing anything productive while waiting on the kettle (this is one of my ADHD hacks I discovered work for me -- I do small tidying up chore tasks racing the clock of water boiling when the kettle whistles at me that it's time to steep tea and I'm done unless I want to come back to it.) And I was reading and waiting on the stove timer to tell me my tea was done steeping and happily munching some christmas cookies from the freezer (I was gone at the holidays but my best friend always bakes lots of christmas cookies and she left me six different kinds she baked that freeze well in my freezer for when I got home) when it suddenly hit me: 

None of those big feels was about my reading habits. 

None of it. 

Not my internal restlessness. Not my anger. Not my lecturing me. Not my conclusion. 

I was mad at society accepting what people think they can't change even when everyone hates it knows it to be toxic and cruel. And I was mad at myself restless because I had once again let myself listen to the ought tos of the assumptions around what Eric wants to build his life back into my mind to plague me into the martyrdom of letting him go looking elsewhere not claiming what I desire. And all because of one stupid moment of feeling unwelcome ostracized from him over something that was a dynamic created years ago with no damn thing to do with what he or I wanted then or want now. 

I wasn't angry about my book choices, I was angry at them as being a symptom of me falling into a pattern of heeding the ought tos rather than listening to my heart about what I damn well desire to fill my finite life with. 

Because it's crystal clear to me what I want. It's just the thinking I can't have it or that what I want doesn't want me back that makes me listen to the internalized ought tos. 

And that's fucking stupid. Especially if it keeps me in a discontent holding pattern not able to do anything with myself. 

Fuck it. I'm allowed to choose what I actually desire damnit! And I know what I want. I want reunion with Eric this life and a chance to build a shared life path. 

And I'm a damn fool to internalize any arguments to the contrary. Even when they come from my own logical rational fear goaded mind telling me I can't have what I want. 

It wasn't my reading choices I was angry at making me restless, it was what they represented to me of a pattern of decision making since I got home that had nothing to do with my desires. 

So fuck it. I'm going to read this dark fantasy retelling of fairytales duology. And I'm going to believe that there's a way to get what I want and not be blocking my own shot. You miss 100% of the things you talk yourself out of even trying for. Fuck that.  My polar bear and I deserve better odds than what we get if we don't even have the courage to try for what we desire. So fuck the internalized ought tos. Life is too short not to choose wholeheartedly what you know you actually desire. In love even more than in books. 

Now. I'm at a chapter break and I texted Mikaela my breakfast bagel order and shared my epiphany that it wasn't my books upsetting me and my phone is at 17% waiting on M to text me she's here and I haven't ground the coffee yet for when she gets here. So I'm going to go plug my phone in, follow his profile again because I want it, put on the playlist of Eric's solo songs/downloads to hear his voice and his words, and start making coffee and after breakfast I'll go back to devouring this book because damnit I DO know what my heart wants and I am allowed to fucking choose that to fill my life with once I know what I desire!! 

P. S. When Mikaela got here with breakfast bagels, she told me excitedly after I told her coffee wasn't ready yet because I got distracted "For whatever reason, I just feel Audrey so strongly. And I've had such bad anxiety these last couple weeks. And then suddenly this morning I just suddenly felt Audrey surrounding me in spirit and so much puppy joy from her!" Her timing on feeling Audrey's spirit was exactly when my temper broke and I realized what I was restless discontented upset at me over. And it's interesting because as she got older and would sometimes get sad when we listened to Billy Joel and George Winston would ask me, "but when do I get to meet my dad?" so as she started to feel her age I promised Audrey Pupburn that if I was able to get things together and have a kid this life before I hit my biological clock couldn't have kids, she could come back to me in her next life as my son -- and if not I'd find her as a puppy again if I never had kids of my own. Also for the nearly 15 years of her life, from when she was just a small 12 week old puppy, I always teased my Pisces pup that she got all her intense emo from her dad not from me and she told me when she got sick at the end that she was sorry she never got to meet her dad in that body but she was going to hold me to my promise use all her efforts between bodies to make it come true and she was excited to meet her dad someday in her next body and see if he really is where she got her emo from.  So I found that timing interesting that I had that burning moment of clarity about me being stupid settling not choosing what I want and at the same time Mikaela felt Audrey's spirit strongly joyously taking away her anxiety of the past couple weeks.

P. P. S. Whitten's For the Wolf was exactly the right book for the mood I was in this morning. Even for what I ended up deciding to wear because I was upset that it's so warm we're getting nearly an inch of rain in January instead of the more seasonally appropriate snow. 

P. P. P. S. Just realized. So this Venus cazimi then Venus meeting Mars (and tomorrow the Mars cazimi) is all happening right directly on my natal moon in the center of it (Yeah. Moon in Capricorn. First quarter moon. I was supposed to be born a Virgo during a waning crescent moon but I was late insisted on being a Libra with a waxing quarter moon in Capricorn. It's probably why I'm a little too good at being stoic through emotional compartmentalizing to do what I feel has to be done. But also, people talk about Cancer being the moon sign, but Capricorn is the sister sign opposite so if Cancer is like the fullest moon of the zodiac then Capricorn moons are the new moon of the zodiac, and I'm way more sensitive to which signs the moon is affecting the intensity/shapes of my emotions than any Cancer placements I've ever met.) anyway. I just realized. My fiery response this morning was during the Venus Mars conjunction and my realization it's time to clear out the idea there's no place for me in his life as toxic happened at the Venus cazimi. I tend to take astrology as interesting theory but not verifiable but sometimes the correlations are too stunningly accurate to discount.