I think that a large part of my doubting and overthinking uncertainty in him is because.... 

Because it's not that neither of us has dated other people or because we couldn't love other people find a different sort of happiness with those choices. It's just I did so eyes wide open never lying to myself. I always knew that there was a part of myself tied up in the bond inaccessible to anyone else and everything else was denying the bond and there would always be a hollowness empty space shaped like him inside any other relationship I built -- everyone else was only ever because I didn't believe I could have the promise of the bond. Either couldn't have it at that time because our paths hadn't crossed or didn't think I could have it at all this life. But I never once lied to myself, I always loved and considered relationship building knowing it was a distant second best could never eradicate or bury or destroy the bond and the promise for could bes within it. 

That's not how he has loved other women, by his own admissions. He has always genuinely believed that whatever relationship he was in, that love was the only love for him while he was caught up in it, that he had found the great love of his life -- he loved in a way that either denied the bond or lied to himself about it. I wouldn't have believed him and forced myself to let him go and try to deaden the bond if at those times he didn't genuinely believe whatever woman he was enamoured of was the one and only greatest love of his life while he was in those relationships. He believed it completely and so I believed him -- you can't lie to the bond nor can it lie to me, no more than I could lie to him via the bond because he'd always know my true feelings/beliefs echoing inside him if he listens within his inmost self -- it only echoes in us the truths of whatever the other is genuinely feeling at that time.

And that's why I doubt him, doubt his love, doubt his awareness of the bond, doubt that he actually desires me, doubt that he won't just find some other woman to be enamoured of. Because he's done it before and made himself fully believe and feeling it deeply enough that my only answer to him feeling what he felt was to say, "clearly you believe this and therefore the bond connecting between our souls isn't something you value or desire in your life so it's best it be rendered dormant so you can pursue what you have chosen for yourself this life." If he could feel that way and believe it, either denying the bond entirely or lying to himself that what he felt for someone else was the bond, then why shouldn't I expect him to do it again? What will have changed? Why should I trust and believe anything is different? After all, he completely believed it before each time that someone else was the one for him -- how can I trust it won't happen again when he gets lonely and bored and desperate for anyone who sort of fits what he thinks he wants for him to invest his heart in so completely that it echoes down the bond he once again believes he has found the one he wants who is everything to him? 

Is it any surprise that even his silences make me question and get defensive? That hearing the dropping sand in the hourglass doesn't make me believe he's finding his way back to me via the bond but instead it makes me prickly defensive waiting for the shoe to drop on him landing on whoever he's grown lonely and desperate enough to truly believe is his one true love he's been seeking? 

I have never dated nor considered dating blindly while lying to myself about the bond and the power and pull of it. He has. Many times.Which makes me doubt him, both in his silences and when he believes he has found the love of his life.... 

Why else would I be so ready to give up on him and to look elsewhere and so quick to promise that the moment he tangles another woman around his heart again so it echoes down the bond, I'll block her energy and anyone she's twined through from reaching me and cut him off from the bond as thoroughly as if it were fully dormant again? Because I expect him to do that again, I expect that choice of him and I expect him to fully believe in it when he does it. Because that has been his pattern. And I don't expect anything else from him anymore, I often doubt if he even recognizes the bond for what it is. I know he feels the absence of it when he can't reach it but he hasn't shown any recognition of what the presence of it is....at least not in any ways that I have seen. 

That's why I doubt him. Because we've both dated other people and loved other people -- but I never lied to myself or anyone else that everything else was just a distant second place shadow compared to what's in the bond. And he's never seemed to feel that or understand it. He's always completely believed someone else he chose because he was lonely and desperate and found someone he could idolize his idea of them showed up right then and thus that she was the love of his life until the absence of the bond became too much for him to ignore or lie to himself about.  

And that's why I doubt him, doubt his love, doubt his choices, doubt his silences, doubt that I won't have to once again deny the bond and do whatever needs to be done to silence it. I doubt him because he genuinely truly believed in his past loves as the only person he ever wanted to love in complete denial of the bond, and that's not a lie I was ever willing to tell myself in anyone else I've ever loved.

 That's why I doubt him and doubt his love. It's why I am full of defensiveness and doubts where there should only be faith and trust. 

It's not what I want to be true, but I'm not going to lie to myself about it. Maybe I should be acknowledging, "yes this has been true and is currently true -- how do we change things so it's no longer true?" but I don't see how I can do that when what made it true and what it's built on are about his choices and feelings and beliefs and me having to face them as being his truth at those times.... Like, how am I supposed to go about changing that? Lie to myself about his truths? Force his truth or his choices to be something other than what he makes them? It's not my nature to knowingly lie to myself or to coerce free will choices.  

So am I just supposed to stay full of doubts and defensiveness and trying to move forward with the expectation that whatever I choose for myself I'll be forced to deny the bond silence it again because I'm expecting from him the same patterns he's always chosen this life? Like what am I supposed to do here? What else do I have to go on? Why should I believe that anything has changed, that this time is different, that he recognizes and values the bond? Why would I believe any of those things to be his truth now when they never have been before? Why would I expect anything other than to expect he will fall back into repeating his old patterns again when he meets someone he can idolize his idea of her to fill his loneliness and desperation and make himself genuinely believe she's the love of his life he's always been seeking? 

Why shouldn't I be full of doubts and defensive when I listen to the overthinking or slip back into the martyring of making me let him go preemptively when he acts in ways to make me believe there can be no place for me in his life? Because deep down, I still believe that he's going to fall for someone else convince himself until he genuinely believes that she is the one for him and I'm going to be left having to deny and silence the bond yet again to stop the overlays from reaching me of his emotions within his choices. And I'm so very tired of that being the only choice open to me based on his choices, so sometimes even me giving up on him and the bond instead intentionally choosing second best feels a better bet than staying stuck in this stupid toxic cycle. 

 I dunno. I've thought myself into a corner again and all I have to show for it is giving myself a headache and a stomach ache over it all, making it harder for me to keep the bubble of my protected space keeping it free of the outside energy currents of this moment of space/time in history... I'm going to go lay down for a bit and let my fur babies curl up on me like a living breathing weighted blanket, maybe take a nap or just rest and meditate until my natural optimism bubbles back up to the surface until I believe that maybe he has grown and changed enough this time is different. And then I will once again have my typical well of energy/chi so I can keep my home sanctuary secure and I can be smiling happy when I go see other humans this evening. 

But anyway. I'm sorry for my doubting him. I wish I didn't. You have no idea how much I wish I didn't. But I do. And that's at the deepest root I can find for the doubt and why I can't seem to see any reason to think anything has changed in his patterns as he has shown his truth and his choices to lead him. I'd like to be wrong this time. I just don't always have it in me to find reasons to believe I am.

Astro Poets Horoscope:

"Week of 1/11 in Libra: Something that had kindness. An eternity of function. But not of force. This love is forceful. This certain spark inevitable."

"Week of 1/11 in Pisces: You didn’t know. And that’s not the problem. You will know now. Talk it over. Say it with pink and purple."