*shrugs* This has happened when he went on tour with them again that I faced the same intenral conflict, it happened when he was back in Nashville recording with them earlier this year.... It happens EVERY time he spends his time working/collaborating within Delta Rae since he chose in August 2019 not to respond when I approached him personally over why going live on the Delta Rae instagram under ANY circumstances was wrong and unfair and NOT inclusive towards all fans because of past decisions made in the name of the band's account, especially in regards to those who chose honesty rather than sycophancy.  The more time he spends in the collective who chose to defensively ostracize the honest and to stand behind inequity/exclusion in the name of the entire collective rather than being open to all fans, the worse it gets and the more him reaching out for me causes me to feel pollution and the need to cleanse my soul for any guilt of me crossing the boundary of an ostrakion forced upon me. Neither he nor anyone else should be surprised at me responding this way -- it's consistent with how I've responded since Octoebr 2018 except for the brief span of time in 2019 when I held hope that once they went independent they would face and clean up the messes made while under the management pushing country radio on them. they didn't. When they still refused to acknowledge or do anything about it AFTER it was brought to the band's attention on facebook, twitter, and email both publicly and in dms AND when that failed I brought it up to Eric himself on Twitter and Instagram, both publicly and in dms and still received no responses. So I accepted they stand behind the defensiveness and the ostracism for truths they didn't want to hear. And I attended the shows I had tickets to and I have saved and accepted everything that I paid for in my Kickstarter donation -- but I've not lied to myself that "celebrating with all our fans and Kickstarter backers" was intentionally exclusive to not include me even when brought to the band's attention and Eric's attention specifically. I will accept what I paid for and then all transactions between me and the band are done due to the choice of ostracism and defensiveness and creating/maintaining systems of inequality in the name of a band that always claimed to stand for inclusivity. They apparently don't, as they demonstrated in October 2018 and again in August 2019. 

But you shouldn't have expected any other response from me other than refusing to reach out to him and avoiding him reaching for me as long as he is immersed in work with the collective that chose ostracism and defensiveness rather than honesty and openness. I want nothing to do with him at any time he is an active participant in the collective that is Delta Rae and that he is taking part in acts of exclusion and inequality in the band's name. I won't cross the boundary imposed by the ostrakion, though I will judge all who take part in this collective ostracism and in the collective that defends and supports it and allows it to continue. I will judge the band for their failure to ever even acknowledge or respond any time I sought to bring this up and clear the air and clean up the mess. Those were choices made by representatives of the band in the name of the band and they reflect poorly on the ethics of the band as a whole and the individuals who make it up. 

And it's why I genuinely think, every time he's involved with the band, that the best and kindest thing I can do for him is release him from the bond and any ties to me. Because he can't have both due to what was done by someone representing the band and in the name of the entire band. *shrugs* This isn't my choice, I didn't choose or act in ways that created ostracism and a system of exclusion, that was done by the band and in the name of the entire band. It's a choice made for the band and by the band and upheld by the collective and by his refusal to even acknowledge or deal with it when it was presented DIRECTLY to him in August 2019 is why Eric can't have both the band and me in his inner life (let alone his exterior life.) These weren't my choices or my actions, I didn't ostracize myself -- all I did was comment quite honestly that with my color-timbre synesthesia the country music was causing me too much nerve pain for me to attend further shows while it was any part of their shows. I was honest that it would keep me from attending future shows -- and as a result of that honesty, I was blocked and the ostrakion placed upon me. By the official band account. In its name. And nobody in the band or representing the band ever responded when I brought it up, only diehards who used me bringing it up as an opportunity to victim blame. These were none of them my choices or my actions other than for me to be honest that the country music at shows would stop me attending shows -- all the rest of it were choices made by the band in their name. I didn't make it so that the band and I can't coexist, the band did. Or somebody representing and speaking/acting in the name of the band and who on multiple occasions failed to respond or even acknowledge what happened on October 28, 2018. 

The only thing poisoning everything Delta Rae for me are the choices and actions made in the name of Delta Rae and their defensiveness rather than openness in acknowledging what was done in their name. Not a damn thing else. I didn't create this situation, i have tried openness and communication to clean up the mess of the consequences of these choices and nobody from Delta Rae or on ANY of their socials ever responded to me.  The source of the pollution and the poison is all from Delta Rae's choices on their official instagram and their continued defensiveness following the initial action/choice. The mess isn't on my conscience at all -- only me crossing the boundaries imposed by the ostrakion made by Delta Rae and in the name of Delta Rae would weigh upon my conscience. Which is why I will not see as anything but a source of pollution me reaching via the bond toward Eric or Eric reaching for me via the bond while he's actively taking part in anything that involves the collective in whose name the ostracism was created and exists. These were never my choices, at every step along the way I attempted to choose honest communication and clarity. But you cna't communicate when there's no acknowledgement or response from any attempts you make to discuss the issue. All you can do with that sort of gaslighting is accept they like the way things are, don't want to discuss what  happened or even acknowledge it, and walk away from them -- because honest communication ain't eve going to happen with a group of people who refuse to reply or even acknowledge what you bring up. So that's the conclusion I took toward all things Delta Rae since their last 3 shows I attended in 2019, the tickets to which I had bought when they first went independent and I genuinely believed they were taking control of their band's reputaion and social media and ethics so would clan up the messes made while under their former management. And then they didn't, they doubled down on defensiveness and gaslighting and ostracism and exclusionary practices. So y'know, I accepted that's their truth of who they ACTUALLY are and what they ACTUALLY stand for as a band and a collective. And I think so much less of them as a result that I can't even enjoy any of their music anymore. And I had loved their songs so much before they made these choices as a collective for what they stand for being done in their name... But I mean what more can a girl do in such a situation if every attempt at honest communication and to clean up the mess is ignored and never even acknowledged? 

It's why I tried to let him go and quiet the bond as much as possible as the kindest thing I could do for him in light of the choices/actions made by the band in the band's name since October 2018. because it's his passion project and the center of his life and I am barred form it by choices made in the name of the entire band and every time I tried to bring it up I was ignored at every level and by every means i attempted to reach out to ANYONE representing the band or their social media to address this past choice and the consequences of it. And that's just how it is. And it's why it would be better and kinder of me if I can stay in the lane of not looking at him, not reaching for him, accepting that our lives don't reunite or belong together on a shared life path this life. Everything else just leaves him in the middle of these choices made in his name as a member of the collective band. It's kindest for me to let him go, and I know it. It's just so hard because it's not a damn thing I ever desired for either of us....But it's still the kindest thing I can do for him given how completely my attempts at honest communication failed, was defensively ignored and ostracized by every level of Delta Rae's members/representation. I don't like it, i don't want to do it, but I don't see what other options are currently available to me given the choices made on behalf of Delta rae and which they as a band have stood behind.

Now I'm going back to trying not to think about them/him and to put this whole thing behind me because you can't get proper closure with those who did you wrong when they won't even respond to you about it, you can only accept their refusal and move on without them touching your life. Which is what I've been working at since August 2019. Particularly when i don't let me see or hear from Eric -- having him in my life is the only thing that ever tempts me to look back. Other than the pull on the bond and the desire there, I can just accept the truth of Delta Rae's choices and actions and who they let themselves be based on the choices of those representing and speaking for them. So for me, I'm going to keep not letting me reach toward him down the bond or respond to him while he's actively participating in the collective from which I was ostracized and I'm going back to inputting and watching men's snowboard big air qualies after an absolutely beautiful Free Dance tonight! (Ice dance is always my favorite, it's the ballroom dancing of figure skating; the jumps are impressive and I love them, but ice dancers connect to the music and express it with the movement of their body better than any of the other figure skating disciplines.) Excited that I can catch the entire big air qualies while working tonight!

 If you feel like I'm silent here and hard to reach via the bond, you're not imagining it. It's not just the distraction of watching the Olympics or the family drama stress surrounding my grandma's health that's got me flipped my sleeping schedule staying up nights and waiting until after sunrise to sleep. It's also that... All week, I have felt the weight of the ostrakion on my conscience pressuring me that the only way for him to have what matters most to him and he has built his life around is for me to let him go and bow myself out disappear me from his options.  I can't cross the ostrakion  because of the pollution of it and knowing that, anything less than that would be selfish of me and unfair to him. That pressure, which has been getting stronger and stronger weighing upon my conscience every day as the week has progressed, is making it very hard for me to stay still and stick to the policy of moving neither closer nor further from him..... Right now, the pressure on my conscience that I have no place in his life this life makes me feel like I'll drown under the need to let him go rather than take part in something morally wrong that would lay pollution on my soul and on all I touch. If I don't keep myself distracted so I can't dwell on it, then I'll start acting on the need to let him go NOW so as not to be guilty of crossing an ostrakion that's been made.  

It's been really strong inside me that the only way to do right by him is to let him go to have in his life that which he values above all else and from which I have been ostracized by the choices of those in/representing the band. It's about all I can do sometimes to keep myself from trying to weaken/sever the bond to set him free for the sake of the life he has chosen and built for himself and in which I can now have no part. That pressure on my conscience is growing stronger and stronger -- Thursday in particular was incredibly hard on me not to just cut remaining ties and run to set him free of me. If I hadn't had to deal with taking my grandma to an appointment, I probably would have caved to the pressure. I can't promise I won't if it continues to grow heavier and heavier upon me that I am not properly respecting the ostrakion....

It's not rational, I know it's not.... though it does have its own sort of inexorable logic. It's mostly over powering instinct of ethics, specifically past life ethics and a desire to respect his free will and the happiness he seeks for himself. 

I don't know how to describe pollution if it's not a concept native to you... It's an ancient Greek thing, not a modern thing. But it's basically... Doing something you know to be wrong that breaks a taboo of what is sacrosanct. for me, free will is sacrosanct and that makes anyone under the imposition of an ostrakion taboo from crossing it as to do so is to cross the stated free will choices of those who deemed you a danger to them for whatever rationalized defensiveness they behaved that way.  there is no crossing an ostrakion so long as it exists without taking pollution on yourself. Period.  And as long as you are polluted everything you touch becomes morally polluted, it's like wiping dog shit all over your hands and then everything you touch gets covered in dog shit. That's what it feels like for me about crossing an ostrakion that has been created. I can't let him reach me nor can I reach for him so long as Liz, Britt, or the band as a collective are something he is actively interacting with for as long as the ostrakion is in place that was created in the name of the band in October 2018. To do so is like telling me I can have chocolate ckae but oinly if I wipe my hands in dog shit and then have to eat the cake with my bare hands without washing or being able to even wipe them off. That's what him reaching for me feels like right now while he's immersed in taking part in Delta Rae related activities and surrounded by the ostrakion. And I KNOW that this is also checking the box completing a stretch goal promise n the Kickstarter.... I know that. I do. But also. At a visceral soul level on my conscience, pushing the boundaries of the ostra lion to create pollution weighs heavy on my soul. And it doesn't get better unless you deal with the actual source of the issue which is the taboo and pollution of crossing ostrakion, I can't let him reach me without that revulsion and weight on my conscience so long as he's taking part in a collective from which I have been ostracized at the whim of the collective and those who represent(ed) them. 

The weight of my conscience and sense of contagion every time he reaches for me while within the group from which I am ostracized under the imposition of an ostrakion is taking all my strength simply to avoid him rather than shove him away and cut him free of me for this life. It just is. Whatever their intentions this week and their plans for a Valentine's Day live show, this is the result of it on me.  And I'm trying not to cut him out, but it's getting harder and harder for me to stick to the plan to hold still moving neither closer nor further from him... It's really hard for me not to instinctively pull away from him so long as contact with him places contagion and pollution on me for crossing the ostrakion. My compromise is not allowing myself to reach for him and avoiding all situations wherein he could reach me and cause the pollution of me crossing the ostrakion that was imposed. 

 But it's been all I can do this week not to push him away repudiate him and say, "this will never work this life now. I've known since October 2018 and every time I try to behave otherwise is denial because of my selfish desires. Farewell until another life without this mess made between us, my love. Be happy in the life you have chosen for yourself in which I am not allowed to be any part of it and I hope it brings you the happiness you seek." And I've come so very close to pulling that trigger, trying to cut him out and run, across this week.....If it were anyone but him and if that bond weren't what it is and didn't pull us together as it does, I'd have said, "Fuck it I'm done, HAGL" and stuck with it as I tried to do late 2018 and early 2019 as a result of what happened October 28, 2018 when I was blocked without warning for my honest statement that I loved the new single hands Dirty but sadly the country music was so painful to my synesthesia I wouldn't be able to see it live as long as they were playing in teh country music scene. And the date is easy for me to remember because I made the comment and was blocked with stories sitting for me to watch before letting the dogs out then suddenly the stories and the entire Delta Rae instagram account ceased to exist to me after I let the dogs back in right before I was heading to the Universalist church for the multi faith solidarity vigil following the Tree of Life Synagogue shooting. I was on my phone as it happened because I was taking care of both dogs while my parents were out of town but I was watching through stories before heading to a vigil following the most lethal anti-Semitic event to ever occur (thus far) on American soil..... So I was already in a heightened state of agitation and being persecuted by those who would ostracize and other me with no warning right when that was done by someone on the official Delta Rae Instagram account.  (As a Jewish woman, even if I don't go to synagogue and my spirituality is more influenced by my past lives than this life's bloodlines, still I know anti-semitism makes me just as dead a Jew whether or not I regularly attend synagogue. Just by virtue of me being born into a Jewish family.) so that day I was already shaken and upset when it happened so the timing was extra salt in already open wounds when I saw it happen as I was literally heading out the door..... Even with my ADHD keeping me in an almost perpetual state of flow, due to timing of it it's not a time/date I'll ever forget when and where I was when Britt (or whoever was moderating it and behaved the same way Britt did that same 24hr period on her personal account to that same truth about country music keeping me from future Delta Rae shows) hit that block button on the Delta Rae official instagram account without any warnings. The entire foundation of this particular ostrakion occurring is THAT level of fucked up mixed emotions for how/when it happened without warning or provocation and it's why every time they gaslit me bringing this up (while allowing their diehards like Mary GM to publicly victim blame me with statements like "nobody involved in Delta Rae would behave that way so you must have done something to deserve it") has marred and undermined my belief that they as a collective ever stand for any damn ethical position or social justice issue they have claimed to stand behind during their ENTIRE careers if they can stand for this sort of defensive ostracism and injustice on their collective official accounts.

I don't want my reaction to him reaching for me to be this way and it's not like he created the ostrakion. But it is whenever he's interacting/engaged in the collective that stands behind this defensiveness and inequity in their name and the ostrakion exists in the band's name as it has since October 28, 2018. And as long as it does, any time his soul touches mine while he's involved with the collective from which I am ostracized it creates pollution on my soul where it touches me and the very best I can do is minimize that pollution and the way it spreads until dealt with and cleaned up. I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't this way.... I didn't invoke the ostrakion and I can't remove it and without that, anything that is me crossing that imposed boundary is contagion and pollution on my conscience and my soul. That doesn't change just by me wishing it away or pretending it doesn't exist when the boundary isn't being enforced. It's going to be like this EVERY time he reaches for me while he does ANYTHING with the collective as long as I am under the invoked ostrakion by the collective. And putting pressure on it rather than dealing with it and cleaning up the mess is just weighing on my conscience pushing me to cut him out from reaching me and causing the pollution of me crossing the boundaries of an ostrakion..... It's not personal, it's simple cause and efect of the ostrakion having been invoked and the ostracism existing.

*sigh* It probably doesn't matter to anyone but me and all this isn't worth the time/energy of feeling it.  I really should just let him go since I can't do anything to improve this situation and nobody who could is stepping up to do a damn thing to clean up the mess.... I should just let him go this life. I really should.... I said I'd wait to find out what he wants this life, for him to tell me in his own time and way. But what is there for him to say with things as they are and nobody who can do anything about it caring to do so? Days like these recently, I doubt that he even fives a fuck about fixing things and getting another chance, because he doesn't do anything to fix what his sister broke in the name of the entire collective he's a part of, y'know?

I'm an idiot to even be bothered by this and to let him still get under my skin and not to just be done with it after all this time and all their defensiveness standing behind that decision made on October 28, 2018.....  A hopeless romantic and an idiot. And the real world isn't meant for fairy tales and I should just realpolitik it and accept the obvious truths of the way things are and the choices all of them have made and continued to make that show what they actually stand for as a collective and the sorts of values they truly believe in.... Only I promised I'd wait and hold myself still, give him time to communicate what it is he himself actually wants.... I did promise I would.... and that's on me and my promises, not about them or their ethics as a collective and what they stand for being done in their name...G-d damnit but I'm such an idiot.....It's only a few more days until the weight on my conscience once more lessens (until the next time he has a meeting with them or he chooses to go live on the band's instagram account or he's once again spending time on the other side of the ostrakion or or or.... fuckin a, but it's exhausting....Just trying to hold still and not wash my hands of him/them is made so exhausting by choices I never had any say in and which  I can't clean up the consequences they created... It's so tempting to just give in, accept defeat, and leave all of this by giving up on him. To stop fighting so fucking hard to just try to stay still. For me to accept as truth that his personal choices are shown manifest in his acceptance of by those he trusts most in this life have created and done in the name of his passion project he loves more than anything else in this life.... And in accepting that to accept, "not this life. Maybe we can try again in some future life. But it's not for this life, it's not what he chooses for himself this life.". It would be so much easier to make me accept that as bitter truth, and I'm so tired and it's so difficult now with the ostra lion and the pollution that it creates to even just reach for him along the bond right now as something even if it's not in the tangible real world..... It's so tempting to just accept these are his choices he has allowed to be made in his name for what he wants in this life of his.... I'm so tired of fighting and getting nowhere because it's only me even holding onto the hope there's somehow a victory by changing free will choices to create new/better fates instead of the inevitable defeat that was created as the only fateline consequent upon the choices of October 28, 2018.... But I'm so tired of fighting myself and fighting him and fighting cause and effect to try to keep us in a place where there's any opportunity to fix what Britt broke.... I'm so tired of fighting alone for a hope that it so often seems only I care about trying to manifest into reality. It just would be souch easier to give up and stop fighting and to let him go this life, free him of me, and accept "not this life...." I'm not going to tonight, I still have what I said I'd do. But when the ostra lion and the pollution it generates if that boundary is crossed weighs heavy on my conscience it just is so hard to remind myself why I can't give up yet, not until he tells me what it is he wants and chooses for himself.) It's very good the Olympics are now to distract me from the weight of it all and how much easier it would be to accept that I'm no part of anything he wants this life so I should just let him go.... It's much easier to make yourself hold on just a little longer if you have distractions so you're not fixating on if there's any point in your holding on and making yourself stay still to wait....)

Whatever. I'm not going to satisfactorily solve this tonight so I'm going to stop thinking about it, make a cup of tea and go back to reading this biography on Olaus Rudbeck, the Renaissance polymath who was convinced that ancient Sweden was the home of Greek Hyperboreans and also Old Uppsala was Plato's Atlantis. (I've never read his Atlantica with his evidence and proofs of his theory - in part because it's 900pgs and in part because unless there's recently been an English translation, neither my Latin nor my Swedish are good enough to understand it.) And I'll head to bed after sunrise, after he will be getting up for the day. I have no have tos with definite start time until early afternoon. 

I should probably set this back to draft.... It's not going to change anything to be honest about how I'm feeling - it never has before with him or this situation created by and in the name of everyone in Delta Rae. So what's the point? Last thing I'd want is for one of their diehards to find it and start victim blaming me for my honesty. Again. As happened every time I brought this up publicly to the band or any member of it. (Last time I even bothered trying that was back in August 2019 after they announced they were going live on their Instagram account "to celebrate with all our fans and Kickstarter backers." Yeah. All of them.... Because clearly all of them had equal access to that Instagram account.... And clearly any fan who brought up that they didn't was to be ignored by the band, victim blamed by their diehards, and see the diehards comments victim blaming liked from the official band account.....) 

In brighter news though, lots to distract me tomorrow! Tomorrow? Today? Ehrm. Sunday. At some point I need to go to Barnes & Noble to return the Chinese Myth book because I already have it (it's a generic title for, well, Chinese Myths and Legends, lol) though not as pretty a cover -- so I intend to go book shopping in the morning if there's time. (O darn, lol.) And then I have symphony ticket at Overture Hall at 2:30 (it's the Behind the Score which they do once annually in February wherein they do an informative deep dive with actors from APT into the work and composer, then after intermission they play the piece in entirety; this year it's Stravinsky's the Rites of Spring.) And then after that is back to work while watching the Super Bowl (which I intend to cheer for the Bengals, paint my nails orange and everything, because I can't believe they're there during the year of the tiger and I love a good underdog story!) And then it's the free skate for ice dance on the Olympics.  So a lot to distract me tomorrow until the wee hours or so. And if I'm distracted, I'm not going to do anything impulsively stupid, y'know?

I don't care what consequence it brings. I have been a fool for lesser things. I want you so bad, I think you ought to know that I intend to hold you for the longest time.

 Maman drank coffee at like 5pm so then she couldn't sleep so I stayed there late. And then I was almost home, just coming round the curve to turn onto Gammon and I flipped stations and caught "*snap snap snap* Oh! oh, oh-oh-oh-oh oh!" And squee-ed super high pitched, " OH I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!" and then had to drive in circles around the neighborhood singing along and grinning until the end of For The Longest Time. Thus the post title lyrics choice. (Billy Joel FINALLY chased Bolero out of my head for a bit. It's been living rent free for months - soooooo many skaters are skating to Bolero this season.... Brilliant skates most of them, just a lot of skaters drawn to it this season.  Which means that sinuous woodwinds winding around the military percussion have been playing somewhere in my head at some level of consciousness since October.)  

But I promised to share my eclectic book purchases and so I shall share them before the pyjamas and  chamomile tea train pulls into the station. 

I'm going to post just the words first to keep my promise in case the upload dialogue on my phone goes wonky as me being tired tends to cause even greater cell and wifi and Bluetooth signal flux then anything other than my anger. It's whenever my control over my auric energy field and chi slips that it can affect cell and wifi so badly. Usually anger or exhausted, some times just needing an introvert recharge alone time, lol. But just in case, words first then we'll see about uploading at least the first picture. And add the others later if it gets tetchy.

13 books, all of them new, $170 of budget spent on books today.  

4 fairy tales/epics (I didn't know there's a Dumas version of Nutcracker! I just know the E.T.A. Hoffman version and the Russian ballet! And I have two other versions of Beowulf, including the dual language of Old English and Seamus Haney's brilliant verse translation -- but I love Tolkien's style and I'm excited for allllll the commentary!!!!! And this is a classic of Victorian era fairy tale collections from China, it's like not owning Burton's translation of 1,001 Nights. And then the small book of fairy tales is more a page by page summary of fairytale and mythic lore and where those characters/names come from with gorgeous illustrations!) 

3 sci-fi/fantasy/YA (super excited for The Gilded Ones, looked amazing! Must get sequel when it comes out! The Shyster man is first in like a 5 book dystopian series, but premise is good and I loved his Scythe series. He writes socio-political questioning metaphysical and epistemological what ifs to create his dystopian worlds - and the stories are just so so so good! But if you love philosophy, realpolitik, dystopian sci-fi, and don't mind some very bloody violent passages, read the Scythe trilogy! And then Octavia Butler is the first black woman godmother of sci-fi and I don't own these short stories do hers!)

3 classics (I've never read anything by either Maurice LeBlanc or Katherine Mansfield, and they both sound like amazing short story writers and read amazingly! Apparently this is rather like saying you love mysteries but have never read any Agatha Christie. And then I'm super excited for the book of The Black Poets because while I have some of the obvious inclusions like Dunbar and Langston Hughes, most of these are posts and poems that I don't already know!) 

3 nonfiction (I don't actually own any Schopenhauer until now. Different philosophers seem to vary in popularity depending on socio-political zeitgeist and while I have many fiction and other philosophers who talk about Schopenhauer's ideas, I've only read his works in online Project Gutenberg awful formatted pdfs. This is the first I have found him in print in all my years of browsing philosophy sections of bookstores. And then the book on the role of randomness and statistics on our lives is one I've had back of mind to keep an eye out for since hearing Mlodinow on NPR or a podcast or somewhere. And then, the book on London's cholera pandemic. I know a lot more about other pandemics and I know basic history of how cholera in London (and especially infections in maternity wards) is how modern sanitation and basic sterilization and clean rooms evolved in medicine - but I actually only know the highlights reel never delved into that part of medical/scientific history.)

Okay. That's it. Chamomile tea and bed time for me. Bonne nuit!

 Every Libra needs at least one Taurus bestie in their life because a Taurus will always advise their Libras, "Treat yoself!"  I actually have a lot of female Tauruses in my life and all of them express their love by making sure I have food and encouraging me to choose for myself the things that make me most happy (in my case that's almost entirely concerts/music festivals and books/bookstores, lol.) Mostly, my life is full of Libras, Scorpios, Tauruses, Pisces, and Capricorns. Also a fairly large quantity of Virgos. And then a smattering of other signs for spice. I mean that said, when my grandma asked me if I had any fun plans for after helping her, I mentioned casually that I was thinking I might go book shopping and her response was, "O you always have loved that! You should go!" And then I decided to seek the advice of the 16 year old Taurus in my life.  Which, when it comes to advice or self restraint regarding book shopping,  it's like asking the cat if he always wants to listen to George Winston songs. 🤣 

Did I buy myself books? Yes yes I did. Do I have any regrets about that life choice? No, not in the least.... I'll get a picture of the stack of books when O get home - they're in the trunk of my car right now.

For what it's worth, Mikaela has incredibly strong feelings about my completionist need to finish what I start - she compares my compulsive need to finish bad books after I've started them to staying in an abusive relationship. 

Mum and I are all caught up on tonight's Olympics cover so back to dvred figure skating from earlier in January. I actively LOVE watching all the snowboard and aerial jump skiing so tonight was a massive night for me even without any skating tonight. The only reason I don't watch x games religiously is the same reason I don't commit to league soccer matches - there are way too many across the year. I would never do anything but watch sports if I added all the x games events into my sports watching roster. 

Anyway. If you ever go out to a restaurant or bar with me and x games is on, you should expect me to be riveted and all the conversation to be about how sick a given  trick was.  (Full disclosure: if you didn't know it about me, I'm a recovering Warped Tour alternative-emo-punk-pop scene kid. Also, some of my musician exes definitely from the emo-punk-alternative scene. But exes are exes for a good reason.)

But I watch  x games every fucking opportunity I catch them and I get super into them. And yeah, my syntax and choice adjectives completely shift every time time I catch even qualis, lol. But I get super into all x games events - though I know too much about kinesiology and physics to ever even consider anything like half pipe or big air aerials.  See?

Don't let the cardigan and hippie mane of curl beast fool you. You can take the girl out of the scene but you can never take the scene out of the girl. Scratch the surface and even without the thick cats eye eyeliner and dark nailpolish and all black outfit, the "then you can go fuck yourself" and "touch me again without asking and you'll walk away from this interaction with no more than one functioning testicle" attitude from spending numerous weeks of my life at Warped Tour and in the pit at punk shows. It's one of my facets that people don't expect but once they know it's there they can't unsee it. I won't start a fight, but if you cross the line to play "fuck around and find out" push my boundaries attack me, well, that's when I nearly break a man's arm at a High King's concert for intentionally hitting me in the head to impress his pouting girlfriend who wants space to swing dance and the singer who I've drunk significant amounts of whiskey with at Irish fest laughs mid song and then between songs says, "aye ye should know better than to be tussling with any lass without her say so, but especially not an Irish girleen with green in her eyes and red in her hair and a temper to match. This one's for you me feisty colleen." The best part is that my friends didn't see me nearly snap his arm or hear me tell him if he touched me again he'd be walking away with more than a broken arm, they just saw his reaction from onstage and turned to me asked, "WHAT did you DO?!??" And I shrugged said, "Muscle memory. I didn't hurt anyone. Terrified him, but no physical damage done. In my defense, he hit me in the head. Intentionally. After telling his girlfriend he'd make me move." Fun times. Don't play fuck around and find out with me - Sag Mars won't seek to start a fight but warrior centaur archer will take it deadly serious if attacked.

Anyway. So I bought an armload of books on all sorts of subjects. Picture of titles later. (I used to keep a running list of all the books I read and books acquired and posted it every month or so. It's eclectic and long ago and I didn't think it much interest to anyone, but I could go back to doing that.)  And then Laredo's for dinner and margaritas and revisiting my emo music x games warped tour past self. Because women's half pipe qualis and men's big air finals. And now catching up on dvred  figure skating.  Also the dogs have both been curled up to me as close as possible. Audrey is currently sleeping with my head as her pillow and Sophie is curled up against my back and hips. But from earlier while watching Big Air Finals:

(Yeah. Audrey's been running around a naked and free little bear luck dragon since her shower on Friday. And it's been warm enough outside I didn't force her to put a jersey or sweater back on.)

Also. My dad was today years old when he heard Shake It Off for the first time. 😆 He said, "why do haters gotta hate" and about five minutes later I said, "Damn you! Now I have Taylor Swift stuck in my head!" and when he said he didn't know what I meant, I played him the song and he claimed he had never heard it before and laughed until he was crying while laughing when I asked incredulously, "You mean you've been earworming everyone every time you say that in recent years and you had no idea you were doing it?!?!"

 O mon bon dieu, but he is loud and intense down the bond the last couple hours!! He was last night from like 8p til almost 1a while I was watching Olympics coverage. (Obsessive Olympics watching is what's distracted me recently.  Sports I watch religiously: Packers games, all figure skating events all season, every World Cup soccer match, Olympics coverage. Luckily, both soccer World Cup and Olympics are like leap years rather than an annual fixation the way Packers and figure skating are. There are other sports events I'll watch and enjoy if they're on but those are the only ones I try to make sure I don't miss and will (re)schedule things around.). But then after like 1a or so, he got quieter down the bond except occasional reaching down it for love/comfort, I assumed he went to bed. (I did not sleep yet - I missed my window for getting to bed before sunrise would make me at an awkward amount of sleep, so then I just stayed up reading Ambrose Bierce Civil War Stories and the most recent Lang Leave poetry book The Gift of Everything. And then I had to take the dog out and then I was wide awake so I made brunch instead of sleeping. And. Well. Here we are and I've not slept in over 24hrs....)

Anyway. I don't actually know WHY he's been having peaks of love/need intensifying down the bond. I just know is. I'm not even going to theorize on why he might be doing that because theorizing might lead me to assuming and that's what I am fighting to make sure I don't do in regards to him. I want to know his truth, not blind myself with assumptions I make about it. 

So I won't hypothesize what he's up to or why he's full of love and need intensely flooding down the bond. But I will acknowledge is. And is, very loudly is.  

Anyway. I've been responding to the random influx by accepting it and hugging his energy and flooding back toward him how much I love him and wish all the best success at whatever his heart is set on. 

I'm currently finishing my coffee and reading some more. Ronald W. Merrill The Ideas of Ayn Rand - I'm curious to read the view of someone who claims to be a scientist and an objectivist through the various iterations of the "cult of Rand" in different generational milieus. This book was first published in 1991, most recent copyright renewal in 2003. I do actually own and have read all of Ayn Rand's published works, though I haven't reread any of them in close to a decade now. I own and have read them because 1) I enjoy reading philosophy 2) intellectual curiosity given how influential she has been in shaping socio-political-philosophical zeitgeist of the latter 20th century 3) I like to read philosophers/theologians/spiritualists in their own words because all interpretations/synopses are distorted by implicit bias 4) every good tactician recognizes the need to know thy enemy; many Libertarian narcissists turned racist-fascists claim to be influenced by her and I want to know what she said and how it is used to rationalize evil intents/actions. I draw the line of reading authors I find morally reprehensible at specific works and other authors that border into propaganda and give me the icks. Rand herself does not give me the icks, though many who blindly worship her or use her to justify their own agendas do give me the icks.  Anyway. This book encapsulation/analysis of her ideas from someone who claims to follow them throughout his life was in a little library and I picked it up out of curiosity as to what it says. 

There are aspects of objectivism that I like and consequences of it I abhor - this is true of many philosophers. I personally think where objectivism fails (like Nietzsche and nihilism and libertarianism generally) is at the intersection of competing values/selfishness. It is important to value free will and individualism and knowing one's own desires/morals and to have so much faith in a dream you won't stop until you make it manifest -- these are all things Rand gets right after decades of denying these truths. But not all dreams can be realized without causing harm of varying magnitudes to others. Some dreams are just sick and morally bankrupt. (Such as eugenics and fascism and genocidal murder in any of their forms.) So the problems arise at imposing those desires/morals/dreams and the consequences of them on others, especially when it gets coupled with an evangelical Christian style "holier than thou" mentality of elitism. When two or more people's needs/desires/dreams are at odds, how do you determine which should be prioritized? For all it's called objectivism and strives toward an Aristotelian style pseudo scientific objectivity, what it boils down to on its logical consequences is that the desires that should be prioritized are whoever is willing to most ruthlessly sacrifice everything else to achieve their values and desires. Any megalomaniac narcissist can single mindedly devote all their resources to a given desire/whim and cause great harm to others by it. Especially if you take such a rigid view of your own blindered "right side" that you lose sight of empathy and the harmful consequences of your actions/choices.  That way of dealing with competing desires makes it just another justification of power or money or social caste determining whose desires get priority and is why so many petty dictators seeking to impose their will on others are drawn to objectivism. So the good in her philosophy is overshadowed by the way her conclusions end up reinforcing being stuck within the master-slave dialectic and encouraging each individual to behave as the master trying to dominate all others into a slave by force of will. I believe this is a residue from her idealizing her early life in Russia before everything fell apart into suffering due to WWI and the revolution and living behind the iron curtain. Her golden memories of her childhood where aristocracy were put on pedestals so it was an unexamined premise that some people are simply born superior to others. From reading her words, I don't think she ever realized how thoroughly indoctrinated her subconscious was in the master-slave dialectic. Thus how all the good in her individualism could be turned to support anyone who claimed their greatest value is making themselves the master over others trying to make others conform to their narrow view. Because no matter the original intentions, anything can create evil if you don't consider the logical consequences of it. Especially when there's something as pernicious as master-slave dialectic in the implicit bias unexamined premises. 

Myself, I'm not interested in dominating others or being dominated by them and I'm not interested in reversing the dichotomy so each side can know both sides and you give the power to those who have been powerless - I'm interested in shattering the master-slave dialectic completely and instead having every living being approach every other living being as approaching an equal. Not communism since that puts the collective above the individual and thus all who serve the collective are now become the masters. The dichotomy itself of dominance versus subservience must be shattered to achieve the most beautiful dreams  of social justice -- so long as anyone strives to function within the roles of master-slave dialectic you will have oppression of those they see as beneath them and those they seek to manipulate/control. It's a radical respect for all individuals rather than a worshipping of one's own individuality and a "might makes right" approach to morality. I don't have a political "how to organize a social structure without any hierarchies" framework that doesn't dissolve into anarchism, I'm working at it from a spiritual philosophical frame of reference. Because you have to abolish the internalized master-slave dialectic first to stop people asserting their dominance over others because they're terrified of ending up beneath others. It's not any given political hierarchy system that is problematic per se, at least as far as I can tell, it's the corrosive influence of having power while acting under the mindset of an internalized master-slave dialectic. 

Anyway. That was the most random digression of what's inside my head.... I wandered incredibly far from my point. And all because of mentioning the book I'm reading today. And that's after drinking half the pot of coffee to help me focus rein in my associative ADHD shotgun patterns of thought. I spend more time contemplating random things like how to shatter the master-slave dialectic than most people ever realize. (Hello Mercury direct and the sun still in Aquarius. How you doing?) Be careful asking me what I'm thinking about unless you're int the mood for either really deep or really random - it's never anything in between. 

I'm going to go reheat my tepid coffee then read some more until whenever I head into work to get hours in for the week ahead. (My grandma has appointments on Tuesday and Thursday (originally wrote Friday, but it's actually Thursday) so I want to get hours in today to get a jump on the week to let the rest flow more easily around the immovable things.)  I just wanted to acknowledge I hear him and his love is loud again - and I love when he does that, whatever his reasons for it.

 I have been intentionally sending love down the bond to Eric since I wondered if I could flood him with that sense of feeling loved the way he does me. Because it's a really wonderful feeling, and he deserves it. So since I wondered it the other night, I have consciously been choosing to flood him with love. So when he crosses my mind, instead of trying to stop myself from thinking of him because it's obsessive circles or seems futile because I can't see a way through, every time he crosses my mind I'm consciously using it to think/feel, "Hey Eric, I love you! And I'm so happy you exist! And that the bond exists! And that was it. Just wanted to be certain you know and can feel my love for you." and then just letting myself feel that until it overflows down the bond. To do it just because rather than as a reaction to when his love flows intensely down the bond. And to focus on feeling that love and my desire he know it IS inside me every time I think of him. I suppose it also is helping me truncate the circles of overthinking and assumptions that lead me to self-martyring habits, retraining my mind in healthier paths. But I didn't even think of that until just now - honestly it started as me thinking how much I love receiving that sort of love affirmation down the bond from him and thinking he would also find joy/solace in his third eye suddenly flowing with energy from being flooded down the bond with my love.

I don't know for certain that it reaches him when I do it or that he can feel it the same way I do, how could I with the way things are? But I do know that I always feel an upsurge of his love flowing into me like a response after I flood him with my love. So I think on some level he can feel it pouring into him via the bond, even if he doesn't know what it is or where it's coming from or why he feels that light in his heart and joy and hope and reciprocated love.

One of my favorite quotes of all the Chinese philosophers I have read is from Lao Tzu, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." And things feel to me like we both could use strength and courage to move past the mistakes of the past and the overthinking it created and all the doubts that grew from the past to choke out hope and faith.  And he's been flooding me with enough strength from his love down the bond that the least I can do is have the courage to give him all the strength I can right now. To reinforce his stubbornness by holding faith in him that he knows what he wants and is working to find a path to reaching it - and to be certain he can KNOW through it that he is loved deeply and completely and always by me. Even when I'm far away and communication is sparse at best. 

But also because, it's my truth that I love him and it brings me great joy that he IS. And there's no reason not to be shining that truth brightly for anyone with the gifts or bond to see it shine.

And honestly, I can see nothing harmful or insidious or toxic in me affirming the truths that my love IS and that his existence makes me incredibly happy. It makes no demands on his choices or assumptions about our material lives altering (no assumptions about approaching each other or further separation.) It just accepts and acknowledges and encourages me to feel my truth completely without judging it or trying to make it anything beyond just feeling what IS and acknowledging it's my truth.

And I know it's only been a short couple days, not enough time for altered habits. But affirming truth IS rather than judging it or trying to deny it already makes me feel lighter, cleaner, healthier, brighter inside my headspace. So I intend to continue the practice of affirming my love IS and to try to let the strength of my love flow into him so he can feel the truth of it existing. Affirming from my side that the love and the connection runs both ways.

In other news. Much family drama surrounding my grandma again. Continuing of last week's sudden turn for the worse in her. High stress. Don't really want to talk about it right now - taking a recharge break today. I watered all my work plants last night and all my at home plants this morning. I've had brunch and my coffee is making me sleepy because I didn't sleep really last night. My plans for later are to stay home, cook up the last of my fresh veggies into a curry of some sort (supplemented by rice and chickpeas and frozen veggies), probably bake some sparkly snickerdoodle cookies (for real this time), and tonight when it gets really cold lay a fire for my crows that I'll keep burning til it warms up midmorning tomorrow. So that's my plan. Quiet hygge introvert recharge. There will also be some tea and reading books and taking my dog outside as needed. And some music. I don't know what music, I don't know that I have the music I want on my computer to listen to it tonight.... But I'll figure something out. Probably piano music. That's often what I decide on, and not just because my cat really only loves piano music.

P. S. This was shared in a private Facebook group and I love it so much! I very much want one!!!! 😍

I love it so much and want one so badly!!!!! Who do I know with mad whittling skills to make me a happy bear on a branch floating shelf? I don't think I know anyone who could make me one, but I know I love it and want one! 💖 Please please?

 So my mom got distracted by an email about cheap Alaska Air flights and then ended up on a mission that culminated in her using her Sky Miles to fly me to visit my sister in Seattle from March 31-April 13. (Conveniently while my nephew is on his Spring Break. So covid allowing we might get an AirBnB or something somewhere.)  And given the current timelines, my niece may also be at least second dose vaxxed. 

What's funny about it is that I had told my sister in December that I expected my next visit would be late March or early April so I could get another visit in before the new baby in early July - splitting my time/focus fairly between two neblings when it's just me will be even harder balance with 3. But my mother didn't know I had told my sister this back in December but tonight was entirely me just lounging on the couch on my phone watching skating and my mom just decided to do this tonight. I actually did nothing to make this happen, just sat here bemused and confused and gave no input other than the We Banjo 3 dates in mid March to which I have tickets and let it unfold and reminding her to check if I have to take grandma to any appointments in there (she will have to move a podiatry appointment.) My sister asked, "Dani. If you didn't make this happen at all, how did you know?" And my brother-in-law Jon on speaker phone said, "She's a witch!" Things like that creep out my very atheist sister because she can't dismiss them or explain them logically. But she accepts them as my truth regardless the illogic of it and my inaction to Amie the plans to make it happen. #LifeOfAPrecog 

My mom was trolling my sister on dm after checking the dates with her, told her "maybe I should check with your sister" and so my sister actually called me. Not just a text, she called. And then when she realized we were in the same room asked, "So why did I call you?" Me: "I dunno. Maybe you missed my voice." Also my mom was initially trying to send me to visit them for like an entire month before I told her that was too long for my old dog who gets depressed enough to stop eating when my absences last longer than 2.5-3 weeks.  

This all happened after the kids had gone to bed - so Jack and Monroe won't know until morning.  Very exciting week for them (especially Monroe) since the box of Churchill's Tea I ordered them arrived yesterday. Including Monroe's 8oz for the bulk discount bag of "pink drink" apple strudel tea she loves. It was a last minute throw into my bag of teas because it was the end of an 8oz bag that didn't fit in my glass container at home and the instant she smelled it my wee little not quite 3 year old niece fell in love with the smell and then I made it and she saw it was hot pink and I offered to make her a little cup of it. And she became obsessed with it. (It comes in herbal and oolong versions. The herbal is dried apple, roasted almonds, cinnamon, and dried beet for color.) I also sent a whole bunch of smaller bags for them to try based on my sister and brother-in-law's very narrow spectrum of tea preferences. So far, they've likes everything they've tried.  But my sister once said that everyone brings gifts for the kids so it's nice to get surprises for her and Jon sometimes.  I sent some fun colored herbal teas for Jack to experiment with, but my nephew has never yet met a tea he likes, lol. 

Anyway. Monroe went back to school on Monday, came home from school and all the tea were there (and she insisted  on opening all of them to smell them), Jack pretended to be a tiger all day after learning about Chinese  New Year in his online classes today, and now they get to be told on Wednesday morning that Aunt Dani will be visiting in early April. (guess I'll be there for my half birthday, lol)  I hope my sister texts me videos and pictures of their morning excitement when they get the news, lol.  

P. S. Still no idea why the sudden extra intense flares of love flowing down the bond from Eric tonight. Still happening intermittently though. Like it will be the normal levels of his love, and then sudden rush extra intense and strong, then back to his normal levels. And honestly, I have no idea what he's up to tonight, no overlays of seeing/hearing/feeling whatever his moment is like I get when he has super intense emotions. Just like his normal levels of love and then sudden increased rush and intensity of love. The only thing other than love in it is....like... An urgency that I know he feels it and that I believe him that it's his truth because his love IS and his need IS and that we are both at our best and brightest with the hope/promise/reality of real word (re)union.

 Pssst! Very loud full of love down the bond tonight and getting louder. I'm just gonna just bask in it and cuddle into it and send as much love back toward him as I can. K? K. 

That's it. I have nothing else. watching figure skating with my maman (Olympic years they broadcast all the events, a the disciplines so we're backlogged on dvr) while da plays cards with his poker buddies. (Tues and Fri nights; online because omicron.) Had Glass Nickel pizza for dinner (beef stroganoff  pizza, their seasonal one, and their Thai pie pizza which is fo to favorite) and the dogs had crusts and my dad's red peppers he picked off his slices of Thai Pie) so they're happily snoozling near me. 

Just wanted to acknowledge how intensely full of love radiating and reaching down the bond he is tonight. Not actually certain why, but I'll take it. I love it when he'a like that. It just fills me with light makes me feel luminous and like I can do anything whenever I can feel his love like that. I wonder if it's like that for him... if I just feel intensely how much I love him and flood the bond with it, if it just gives him random moments of warm dizzies and inner light when it pours into him. 

I should try it and see if it works that way. Just let all the love I feel for him inside me overflow into the bond, channel it toward reach him and pour into him. Fill him with the inner light of my love. 

Yeah. I should try that. He deserves it. And the bond attached at both ends, right? If his overflow of love can reach me like that even across physical distances, mine should be able to be felt by him the same way. 

And if I dig out all the overthinking and assumptions, all there is inside me is love for him. Clear brightly bue ING luminous love.  And he seat to know that and feel the certainty and joy of it's isness. 

 It's a new moon, Chinese lunar new year (happy year of the Tiger -- wear red tomorrow for good luck), Imbolc (the midway point between solstice and equinox) happens to coincide with this new moon, and the first of the random all 2 days (2/2/22 and 2/22/22) is on Wednesday. 

And I don't want to carry with me across that all the doubts and overthinking and assumptions I've been weighed down under. I choose to release them so new things can grow from the energy they were fed upon in the space they occupied inside me. In a funny way, all that recent writing out about them has helped me to purge and release them, to tear out the weeds at the root. Today I didn't feel any of them -- today all I felt inside me was....a clean slate, a field ready for new seeds, hope, and promise. I can't quite find the right words/metaphor for the inner space in me today. That's the best I can do to put the feeling into words. That if I'm going to trust giving him space/time to figure out and let me know what he wants, then I also need to clear my headspace of old ways of thinking that got me nowhere and would be in the way of taking him in good faith at his own word. You can't plant a new garden until you clear the ground -- pull out the weeds and dig out the sod. And that's how my inner space feels after these last couple days giving voice to my overthinking across these last years. Cleaned out and made ready for the seeds of new beginnings and better things.

So that's my new moon intention. To release all the doubts and overthinking surrounding Eric and to do my best to stop myself if I fall back into the old mental ruts. To keep it clear inside my head so there's space and energy for better things to grow. 

It's still important to me that I learn from him what it is he wants, his choices and desires, and that I trust him to do it in his own time and way. That's one of the main things in me that I've learned since the events of October 2018 and how I reacted to it -- that it's our bond not my bond and thus it's for us to decide together about anything to do with it rather than me making decisions that I THINK are in his best interest without getting input form him as to what he feels his interests truly are. That's one of the things I'm keeping as an important lesson from these recent years -- that it's important to always remember and respect that the bond is ours and is anchored in each of us so anything that affects it needs to be decided between both of us. 

The other important thing that I learned through al the messes and mistakes in recent years is that I am in the wrong if I try to rationalize removing myself from his options -- I need to learn to accept the realization that there's a very real possibility that I belong in the happiness he seeks and that he can't achieve that happiness if I try to remove me from his options. He's really only free to choose for himself the happiness he desires if all possibilities remain on the table. Including me. Even if I've thought myself into a place of thinking he could do better than me or likely wants someone else who're more *insert positive adjective and standard used to measure women* still I have to at least keep me on the table so that it remains HIS choice as to what he wants for his own happiness. Not my assumptions or self-denial or self-deprecation or overthinking.

But for right NOW, my inner headspace and my new moon intention on this the lunar new year which happens to coincide with midway between solstice and equinox is that I'm going to keep my inner space weeded of the toxic overthinking vines that had choked out so much. To keep my head (as well as my heart) in a state receptive hope, cleared and ready for whatever new seeds our present/future choices will plant. 

Also. If you think of it, wear red this Tuesday. For the Chinese New Year.

 But damnit I want it to be true... I want him to desire me the way I desire him.... I want there to be a way through.... I want a happy ending to this story....

And it kills me to even consider the fact that all of those things could just be fantasies not realities and something that only I want and he doesn't give a damn about. And if it's going to hurt no matter what, I'd rather get it over with to start in on the healing because the longer you believe in a lie the worse the hard truths hurt.  If you have to rip a bandaid off just do it, don't agonize and tear out every hair one by one.  So if I'm going to have to face the hard truths, I'd rather just do it because at least it will be honest and real and the truth. 

But damnit I don't want my head to be right. I WANT my heart and my intuition and my instincts to be in the right. I want that so much. 

And it's knowing how much I want all the yearning and needing and the love in the bond to be mutual and how much I want a way to work everything out is what makes me feel like I cannot trust my self and my bias. If I wanted it less, then it wouldn't hurt so badly if it turned out untrue, and then I wouldn't be so concerned about my desires of my heart making me biased away from truth. 

It's like confirmation bias -- but it's a distrust of myself when I know confirmation bias might be in play. To (over?)compensate against the known confirmation bias. Is there a name for that?

But o I want so much for all the synchronicities and all the love and need and dreams and wyrd to be real!!! I want it so much more than I've ever wanted anything for myself in this life. I want it so desperately, I want it to be true selfishly for myself and for him. And I want the bond to be a source of joy and happiness and healing and goodness for both of us.

That's what I want. Even when I don't believe in it and I question it and doubt it, still it's what I want and always want. Doesn't matter how much I doubt or question or rationalize or have a bad premise under all my logic -- through it all I still want the same damn thing. I still want the love and the pull of the bond to be mutual and I want us to find a way to our life paths being share din THIS life and I want that to be where the happiness we both seek is found.

If I wanted him less, I'd be able to look at him when I'm trying to accept letting him go. The reason I don't let me look is because of the yearning and the need and me knowing that if I let me look I won't be able to look away or say no. It always makes me happy when I see him or look at him, but only when I don't let me look at him can I make myself let him go,,,, When I look at him, all I feel is shining with joy and love and how much I want to hug him and watch him light up like it's Christmas morning and he got everything he wanted. And I know he lights up with that sort of joy, especially when he's full of hope, because I've seen it.  

Things were much simpler before I got it in my head that maybe I'm not what he's seeking after all and maybe I'm no part of his happiness and maybe his life would be much better without me and the messiness my honesty caused. Back then I could just love him and radiate that love and want all the best of everything for him and believe we'd figure out our way. I'd not even considered the possibility that maybe the price of that would be me sacrificing my own selfish desires and need of him and the love shared down the bond. Now my head is just too full of overthinking and questions and I can't recognize what is in his best interests or what he truly wants. 

Still I want what I want and that's the same thing I've wanted all along. No matter how much overthinking and questioning makes me lose faith and pull away and try to make me let him go. My head may explore all over the place questioning everything, but my heart is unshakeable in what it wants. 

Sunrise is past and I'm heading home now I'm overtired because I went into work on Sunday for like 15.5 hours straight. I'm not (yet) so tired that my hair doesn't even have the energy to defy gravity in curls, see? 

Yeah, why my hair curls differently on different days is beyond me..... Curl patterns have a mind of their own and nobody will ever convince me otherwise. Respect the curl beast, always, or you may find yourself inexplicably in first year Hermione hair territory. 

But home now. And bed before I do get that tired. I'll have to go back into work tonight (Monday night) for at least doing the end of month deposit. So must sleep before that.

 I'm sure things will look less confusing and tragic after I get some rest. Things always look more hopeless than they really are when a person needs sleep. I'll be back at work tonight (Monday night) to get end of month deposit done. 

Also. I really think everything could be fixed if we could just hold each other in person. Of all the things that can lie (including one's own brain while overthinking) eyes and auras never lie. If we just looked in each other's eyes and hugged each other, I think all the important truths would be obvious to both of us. I really think it could all be solved that easily.... Don't you? I swear that's not just my tiredness and desire to hug him speaking, I really do think that.

I shouldn't let myself give in to what I want to believe true just because it gives me all the warm fuzzies, statistically improbable as all the synchronicities and alignments, because it's still not something real. It's still not foundations building. It's still just fantasies and castles in the air and wanting to make truth where there's nothing real and objective just my wishing. And I know that. I do. I still have nothing solid at this time to even be certain that he even cares about me at all.

It's just like I said, it's hard to try to ground yourself back in reality when the fantasies and your heart are aligning. 

But I still won't move any closer (nor any further) without anything concrete from him. Because I don't have anything tangible.

And anyway. He's probably better off networking as a single man for...whatever it is he's trying to do in NYC. Maybe he'd be better off being left free for the sake of his career or careers or networking or dating or for whatever reason he moved to Brooklyn. 

I'm overthinking again aren't I? I am. I'm sorry. But also I have nothing real to anchor me so I don't go banging off chasing every stray thought and uncertainty and unanswerable question. That's why I said I need something that's certain that I can use as a foundation because without it it's all just the whims of whatever questions most recently crossed my mind. And I ask a lot of questions. I need a way to be able to separate truth from falsehood, blind hopes from false fears. And I don't have any litmus for that winnowing right now. I have only disconnected events, what I want to be true, and what I fear I must accept at some point so better to do so sooner to get on with the work of acceptance/healing.

I have nothing real. And how can a girl invest her heart where there's nothing real at the root of it? Or at least. Invest anything further. I can't dis-invest what is already his. But you don't keep investing where you have good reasons to expect a deep loss. At least not unless you have reasons to expect something better might come from the investment. 

Because it's all such a mess now. And I feel I can't trust my head with all the questions it asks and I know my heart to be biased. My heart has always been biased in his favor. So if I feel I can't trust either to guide me at this point then I want something real, something objectively external to the both of them. Something that is clear and honest and straightforward not up for interpretation.

So. I just. I'm not going to do anything impulsive. I won't let me. I'll not move closer to him or further from him without something solid and tangible and that I can believe in. Something clear as to what it is he wants (or doesn't want) for himself. Something real. I don't need it right this moment -- but I do need it before I'll let me make any move closer or further from him and before I'll extend any further faith or trust.

 O mon bon dieu!!! 

I was just now years old when I realized that after I articulated on Thursday how much I wanted music I can listen to I'm his voice without the issues of the ostra, especially when I have bad migraines when music is the only thing carries me through the pain, and it was not even 26 hours later that his email was sent with the song that's just him and his guitar. Just exactly what I wanted. 

I hadn't realized that timing synchronicity until just now. (Migraines make my relationship with time even more tenuous than it normally is. I use music to anchor me into a measured flow of time set my dance trained inner metronome rather than my otherwise normal state of flow in the eternal now using the flow of time like a fidget spinner.  Things tend to fracture around that punctuation mark in time into "before migraine" "during migraine" "after migraine" rather than normal measurements of timing.) It's been hard on me these recent years that when I'm hurting and looking for comfort in music to help me through the pain I couldn't turn to his voice. his songs. It's just, like a lot of things that hurt/upset me, I've kept it to myself because I didn't see anything anyone could do about it and why burden other people with my sufferings they can't help ease?

O but that's ridiculously sweet and perfectly timed (even if I didn't see it until yesterday) to have shared that. And it literally just went right over my head the timing of that.

Awwww..... 🥰 Now I'm feeling sheepish for all my doubts and overthinking recent tempest in a teapot. I don't regret any of my truths I expressed, but I'm seriously thinking I must be the blindest girl in the world to question what should be obvious. Or at least, what's obvious to the heart but the mind insists on overthinking....everything.... and question it until it makes sense.

Also. I have a thing about the power of speech and silence, especially for women in myths and legends. It's something I spend a lot of time thinking about and writing about (I wrote numerous essays about it in college.) I'm fascinated by the power of silence and the power of speaking one's truth.  It's one of the important cross-cultural timeless tropes of fairy tales, that the tangling of the worst situations occur in the silences and the untangling of every difficult situation is found in realizing the power of speaking truth. Scherezade, Seven Swans, The Goose Girl, Little Mermaid, the second half of the original Rapunzel.... Those are just the first examples from fairy tales and legends that comes to mind. It's a powerful timeless truth. In legends and in philosophy. So I find it interesting that this was such a beautiful example of "Speak your truths. Ask and thou shalt receive." Whether he did it intentionally (but how could he know?) or whether it was just another synchronicity coincidence, still it reaffirms to me the power of speaking rather than silence. 

But realizing the timing on that gift actually does make me deeply soul happy. Inner fire shiny happy. And sheepish over my overthinking and the knots it has entangled. But far more happy than ashamed of myself.

 I had the most vivid dreams last night..... 

Not otherworldly, not surreal, not vision dreams, not past life memories, nobody was represented in spirit animal form, no magic or supernatural elements. Just intensely vivid and real feeling. They were all just ordinary type moments in the present milieu. Nothing particularly happened. They were just sweet and feeling at home and right. But intensely vividly everyday, not in a place I've ever lived. And even though I woke up to watch the sunrise, when I went back to sleep, I was right back there in the vivid dreams.

Incredibly vivid.... But it was their vivid everydayness and sense of rightness that was so striking. 

Still a bit in awe of the vivid realness of the dreams last night. Even after getting up and taking the dog on our morning walk, they're still sitting there right under my skin waiting for me to reach the right way and return to them.

Shit! Gotta flip eggs now or I'll be a very disappointed puppy when those yolks are cooked all the way through.... I didn't have anything else to say here other than the dreams were vivid and good. And now I must brunch. Ciao!

P. S. No worries, the eggs are still runny yolks but not runny whites over easy. Did not overcook. Crisis narrowly averted! Served perfectly cooked over pan seared veggies (carrot, broccoli, bok choy, green beans, scallion, and garlic - basically the "what's in the crisper that I need to use up and how shall I combine them today?" game.)