I shouldn't let myself give in to what I want to believe true just because it gives me all the warm fuzzies, statistically improbable as all the synchronicities and alignments, because it's still not something real. It's still not foundations building. It's still just fantasies and castles in the air and wanting to make truth where there's nothing real and objective just my wishing. And I know that. I do. I still have nothing solid at this time to even be certain that he even cares about me at all.

It's just like I said, it's hard to try to ground yourself back in reality when the fantasies and your heart are aligning. 

But I still won't move any closer (nor any further) without anything concrete from him. Because I don't have anything tangible.

And anyway. He's probably better off networking as a single man for...whatever it is he's trying to do in NYC. Maybe he'd be better off being left free for the sake of his career or careers or networking or dating or for whatever reason he moved to Brooklyn. 

I'm overthinking again aren't I? I am. I'm sorry. But also I have nothing real to anchor me so I don't go banging off chasing every stray thought and uncertainty and unanswerable question. That's why I said I need something that's certain that I can use as a foundation because without it it's all just the whims of whatever questions most recently crossed my mind. And I ask a lot of questions. I need a way to be able to separate truth from falsehood, blind hopes from false fears. And I don't have any litmus for that winnowing right now. I have only disconnected events, what I want to be true, and what I fear I must accept at some point so better to do so sooner to get on with the work of acceptance/healing.

I have nothing real. And how can a girl invest her heart where there's nothing real at the root of it? Or at least. Invest anything further. I can't dis-invest what is already his. But you don't keep investing where you have good reasons to expect a deep loss. At least not unless you have reasons to expect something better might come from the investment. 

Because it's all such a mess now. And I feel I can't trust my head with all the questions it asks and I know my heart to be biased. My heart has always been biased in his favor. So if I feel I can't trust either to guide me at this point then I want something real, something objectively external to the both of them. Something that is clear and honest and straightforward not up for interpretation.

So. I just. I'm not going to do anything impulsive. I won't let me. I'll not move closer to him or further from him without something solid and tangible and that I can believe in. Something clear as to what it is he wants (or doesn't want) for himself. Something real. I don't need it right this moment -- but I do need it before I'll let me make any move closer or further from him and before I'll extend any further faith or trust.