But damnit I want it to be true... I want him to desire me the way I desire him.... I want there to be a way through.... I want a happy ending to this story....

And it kills me to even consider the fact that all of those things could just be fantasies not realities and something that only I want and he doesn't give a damn about. And if it's going to hurt no matter what, I'd rather get it over with to start in on the healing because the longer you believe in a lie the worse the hard truths hurt.  If you have to rip a bandaid off just do it, don't agonize and tear out every hair one by one.  So if I'm going to have to face the hard truths, I'd rather just do it because at least it will be honest and real and the truth. 

But damnit I don't want my head to be right. I WANT my heart and my intuition and my instincts to be in the right. I want that so much. 

And it's knowing how much I want all the yearning and needing and the love in the bond to be mutual and how much I want a way to work everything out is what makes me feel like I cannot trust my self and my bias. If I wanted it less, then it wouldn't hurt so badly if it turned out untrue, and then I wouldn't be so concerned about my desires of my heart making me biased away from truth. 

It's like confirmation bias -- but it's a distrust of myself when I know confirmation bias might be in play. To (over?)compensate against the known confirmation bias. Is there a name for that?

But o I want so much for all the synchronicities and all the love and need and dreams and wyrd to be real!!! I want it so much more than I've ever wanted anything for myself in this life. I want it so desperately, I want it to be true selfishly for myself and for him. And I want the bond to be a source of joy and happiness and healing and goodness for both of us.

That's what I want. Even when I don't believe in it and I question it and doubt it, still it's what I want and always want. Doesn't matter how much I doubt or question or rationalize or have a bad premise under all my logic -- through it all I still want the same damn thing. I still want the love and the pull of the bond to be mutual and I want us to find a way to our life paths being share din THIS life and I want that to be where the happiness we both seek is found.

If I wanted him less, I'd be able to look at him when I'm trying to accept letting him go. The reason I don't let me look is because of the yearning and the need and me knowing that if I let me look I won't be able to look away or say no. It always makes me happy when I see him or look at him, but only when I don't let me look at him can I make myself let him go,,,, When I look at him, all I feel is shining with joy and love and how much I want to hug him and watch him light up like it's Christmas morning and he got everything he wanted. And I know he lights up with that sort of joy, especially when he's full of hope, because I've seen it.  

Things were much simpler before I got it in my head that maybe I'm not what he's seeking after all and maybe I'm no part of his happiness and maybe his life would be much better without me and the messiness my honesty caused. Back then I could just love him and radiate that love and want all the best of everything for him and believe we'd figure out our way. I'd not even considered the possibility that maybe the price of that would be me sacrificing my own selfish desires and need of him and the love shared down the bond. Now my head is just too full of overthinking and questions and I can't recognize what is in his best interests or what he truly wants. 

Still I want what I want and that's the same thing I've wanted all along. No matter how much overthinking and questioning makes me lose faith and pull away and try to make me let him go. My head may explore all over the place questioning everything, but my heart is unshakeable in what it wants. 

Sunrise is past and I'm heading home now I'm overtired because I went into work on Sunday for like 15.5 hours straight. I'm not (yet) so tired that my hair doesn't even have the energy to defy gravity in curls, see? 

Yeah, why my hair curls differently on different days is beyond me..... Curl patterns have a mind of their own and nobody will ever convince me otherwise. Respect the curl beast, always, or you may find yourself inexplicably in first year Hermione hair territory. 

But home now. And bed before I do get that tired. I'll have to go back into work tonight (Monday night) for at least doing the end of month deposit. So must sleep before that.

 I'm sure things will look less confusing and tragic after I get some rest. Things always look more hopeless than they really are when a person needs sleep. I'll be back at work tonight (Monday night) to get end of month deposit done. 

Also. I really think everything could be fixed if we could just hold each other in person. Of all the things that can lie (including one's own brain while overthinking) eyes and auras never lie. If we just looked in each other's eyes and hugged each other, I think all the important truths would be obvious to both of us. I really think it could all be solved that easily.... Don't you? I swear that's not just my tiredness and desire to hug him speaking, I really do think that.