I have been intentionally sending love down the bond to Eric since I wondered if I could flood him with that sense of feeling loved the way he does me. Because it's a really wonderful feeling, and he deserves it. So since I wondered it the other night, I have consciously been choosing to flood him with love. So when he crosses my mind, instead of trying to stop myself from thinking of him because it's obsessive circles or seems futile because I can't see a way through, every time he crosses my mind I'm consciously using it to think/feel, "Hey Eric, I love you! And I'm so happy you exist! And that the bond exists! And that was it. Just wanted to be certain you know and can feel my love for you." and then just letting myself feel that until it overflows down the bond. To do it just because rather than as a reaction to when his love flows intensely down the bond. And to focus on feeling that love and my desire he know it IS inside me every time I think of him. I suppose it also is helping me truncate the circles of overthinking and assumptions that lead me to self-martyring habits, retraining my mind in healthier paths. But I didn't even think of that until just now - honestly it started as me thinking how much I love receiving that sort of love affirmation down the bond from him and thinking he would also find joy/solace in his third eye suddenly flowing with energy from being flooded down the bond with my love.

I don't know for certain that it reaches him when I do it or that he can feel it the same way I do, how could I with the way things are? But I do know that I always feel an upsurge of his love flowing into me like a response after I flood him with my love. So I think on some level he can feel it pouring into him via the bond, even if he doesn't know what it is or where it's coming from or why he feels that light in his heart and joy and hope and reciprocated love.

One of my favorite quotes of all the Chinese philosophers I have read is from Lao Tzu, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." And things feel to me like we both could use strength and courage to move past the mistakes of the past and the overthinking it created and all the doubts that grew from the past to choke out hope and faith.  And he's been flooding me with enough strength from his love down the bond that the least I can do is have the courage to give him all the strength I can right now. To reinforce his stubbornness by holding faith in him that he knows what he wants and is working to find a path to reaching it - and to be certain he can KNOW through it that he is loved deeply and completely and always by me. Even when I'm far away and communication is sparse at best. 

But also because, it's my truth that I love him and it brings me great joy that he IS. And there's no reason not to be shining that truth brightly for anyone with the gifts or bond to see it shine.

And honestly, I can see nothing harmful or insidious or toxic in me affirming the truths that my love IS and that his existence makes me incredibly happy. It makes no demands on his choices or assumptions about our material lives altering (no assumptions about approaching each other or further separation.) It just accepts and acknowledges and encourages me to feel my truth completely without judging it or trying to make it anything beyond just feeling what IS and acknowledging it's my truth.

And I know it's only been a short couple days, not enough time for altered habits. But affirming truth IS rather than judging it or trying to deny it already makes me feel lighter, cleaner, healthier, brighter inside my headspace. So I intend to continue the practice of affirming my love IS and to try to let the strength of my love flow into him so he can feel the truth of it existing. Affirming from my side that the love and the connection runs both ways.

In other news. Much family drama surrounding my grandma again. Continuing of last week's sudden turn for the worse in her. High stress. Don't really want to talk about it right now - taking a recharge break today. I watered all my work plants last night and all my at home plants this morning. I've had brunch and my coffee is making me sleepy because I didn't sleep really last night. My plans for later are to stay home, cook up the last of my fresh veggies into a curry of some sort (supplemented by rice and chickpeas and frozen veggies), probably bake some sparkly snickerdoodle cookies (for real this time), and tonight when it gets really cold lay a fire for my crows that I'll keep burning til it warms up midmorning tomorrow. So that's my plan. Quiet hygge introvert recharge. There will also be some tea and reading books and taking my dog outside as needed. And some music. I don't know what music, I don't know that I have the music I want on my computer to listen to it tonight.... But I'll figure something out. Probably piano music. That's often what I decide on, and not just because my cat really only loves piano music.

P. S. This was shared in a private Facebook group and I love it so much! I very much want one!!!! 😍

I love it so much and want one so badly!!!!! Who do I know with mad whittling skills to make me a happy bear on a branch floating shelf? I don't think I know anyone who could make me one, but I know I love it and want one! 💖 Please please?