All my astro and tarot people have been doom speaking about the Scorpio full moon as being this dramatic emotional upheaval tower things falling apart and dying and endings... And it feels like I'm living in an alternate universe from them all. I can't tell if it's because I have a Scorpio stellium (including my Venus and Pluto) within my eighth house (based on where my natal eighth to ninth switch falls in Scorpio) and Pisces rising so I'm just naturally comfortable in deep waters or because all of the inner digging up I've been doing to face stuff and the place my inner life is in right now, but I feel almost the exact opposite. I feel... a very gentle but strong sense of being held in love floating in a calm sea waiting for the what comes next but with the trust that it's a bit like the dawn lighting up into day, something completely different than what's come before.  

Not to jinx anything, I've certainly had my bouts of agitation and overthinking and doubts and listening to fears rather than reality and fighting thrashing about like a fish trapped in a net can't find a way free from everything closing in -- but it's not how I feel now. I feel like the worst is over because it has been and is being faced with honesty by both of us and so now is the soothing of healing rest before the excitement of discovery of what comes next.

It's just funny because it's so opposed to the catastrophizing of all the pink moon in Scorpio from everyone everywhere.  I mean, I do recognize that overall, astrotok has shifted all of astro/tarot toward clickbait style catastrophizing to game the algos. but this seems excessive for a Springtime full moon. This is one of the least panicky.

Mostly what I've been feeling is calm and inner peace and rightness in trusting the process that we are nearing the versions of ourselves we need to be to come back together. That and an inner nagging that I haven't been working on my real writing enough recently and I need to get back into it more systematically. Weirdly, I've also been feeling a calling inside me to learn wire wrapping for jewelry... I've always collected and loved stones/crystals but this isn't an art I've done before, but recently I pick up certain stones and I can SEE in my mind's eye the right wire wrap job for the stone and an itching in my fingers to make it. I don't have the tools and I've never learned or tried it, it's just something that my inner self is telling me.

There's also been a whispering inside of me that if I'm serious about trusting him and healing process, I should listen to his ask and follow him again on all my socials instead of holding back from the fear of reactionary to the same toxic patterns that happened in the past when he'd show up in my stories with a "content not available" message because he had shared something from his sister or the band account that his sister blocked me on back in Oct 2018 and it just made me upset and angry and feeling the injustice of the block all over again only he was the focus because it was his stories I couldn't watch and couldn't clear out of my stories no matter what I did other than unfollowing him so that they wouldn't show up in my feed. I did TELL you that when that happened by the actions/choices of neither him nor me but of a third party's choices in his name, it was/is the source of over 99% of every single one of the toxic bad thoughts and the wrong turns and losing ground and misunderstandings between him and me these last years that have led to me trying to give him up entirely remove me from his options and him from mine. I mean, it's a straightforward cause and effect fact at the root of everything that has happened and it's never been addressed or solved, just scarred over trying to heal in spite of it. I ain't gonna dwell on it or let it guide my choices regarding him but also I ain't gonna lie about anything those actions created and birthed into the world and our relationship. there are a lot of Libras who will people please and lie to keep the peace, but I have WAY too much else in my chart that is bluntly honest truth seeking (Capricorn moon, Scorpio stellium including Venus, Sagittarius stellium including Mars) AND was raised in very bluntly honest truth speaking family where I'm one of the most diplomatic not particularly opinionated ones so I'll not be the girl to lie about what I experienced in the past or present. There's no lasting peace that can be built upon the foundations of a lie -- so don't expect me to ever pull my punches about who did what in the past if it's not been acknowledged and cleaned up. Because I won't. I'm not that sort of people pleasing white lie speaking Libra sun/Mercury with Pisces rising.

But that doesn't feel as much currently in play as it has in the past (or may be again in the future) but the focus inside me is just to relax and trust and believe that there's a way through now that we both are certain that what we want matters more than anything else getting in the way and we're no longer self-sabotaging thinking that doing so is in the best interests even though it hurts and is upsetting. 

It's really all just very calm and supportive and love in the space before what comes next unfolding. Which is SUCH a contrast to this time a year ago (when I chose to cut him off from reaching me by blocking the energy of the lamprey or anyone/anything her energy was attached into) or two years ago and that place i was in last year that I was going to stubborn bit in my teeth find someone else for this life because that was the option open to me. It's even a complete contrast with all the turmoil of digging through the inner shadow work across the last six months. (Also. I feel so grateful for where it feels like everything IS versus where everything WAS, though I feel like I still don't have the full story for how/why this is the fateline where we are now.... I still don't understand how/why he broke through to reach me again or that he realized it was important enough to him to fight to claw his way back to reach me again and reestablish the bond's full strength and choose it. I feel like there are pieces I'm missing, but right now I'm just so happy and grateful at how much better HERE is than THERE that I don't feel impatience for answers right now, that i can wait on the unfolding til I have enough information to understand make sense of it all.) 

Also. Yesterday and today he's just been all sorts of intermittent unexpected rushes of love light flowing down the bond to me. Which is always heady and lovely and delightful when he does that. Even if I don't understand the why of it, I'm just happy to have the isness of it.

So it's funny to me that it's all "past things burbling up from the depths and overturning everything" that astro is claiming with this full moon and everything else. Completely not at all the inner space I'm in right now. 

Anyway, I'm still at work for a bit and then heading home. My plans for tomorrow are to get some cleaning/chores done and reshelf books and dust bookshelves (I decided after trying it that I hated the visual look of the art books and reference over by the nonfictions and that I LIKED the way it looked first thing in the door to see the shelf full of all my French books and my dual language (most especially all my green Loeb Library Collection Greek philosophy texts -- I aspire to own them all some day even though they are individually pricey if I don't find them used) and as Mikaela told me when she agreed with me that it just didn't LOOK as good flipping them to increase logic in my book organization methods, "u don't have to use logic organize your bookshelves Dani ur not a bookstore or library" Which made me laugh so hard.  I invited my bonus sister/cousin unrelated to me over tomorrow to hang out with the animals and books and me since she doesn't have any classes and the only set plan we have is maybe I'll lay a fire for the chilly part of the morning (which is about all I have firewood stocked up at home for until I get some more. I'll probably grab some more from my parents garage whenever I'm there next because it's supposed to be a lot of rainy/stormy over the next week and that would just be extra levels of cozy.) 

P.S. Later addendum:

I guess if I force myself to peer deep into myself and examine for anything agitating me anywhere inside me right now, this is all that I find:

 I think. If I am fully and completely honest with myself. 

Every time I tried to make me give up Eric and even the hope of us reuniting this life, I knew what it would do to me. I knew the grayscale hopelessness and hollows it would send me into. I knew that trying to keep him from reaching me and putting the bond to sleep was going to desaturate all the emotions from me and that escapist distractions were all I could fill my time with while in that state. I knew what I was doing to myself and I convinced myself I could do that for the sake of his happiness, for the promise that he was going to still have all the people and things he chose for his own happiness and to build his life around. I told myself that repeatedly until I completely believed it and could use it to justify what I had felt since Oct 2018 I had no choice but to do for his sake. 

I don't claim any naïveté or innocence in me as far as what I knew I was smothering and trying to murder inside me to make it happen. But I was naive enough to genuinely believe that he wasn't going to feel it and hurt and go numb and die inside just the same as I was dying inside. I genuinely thought that in behaving the way I did, I was getting myself out of the way so he could build himself the life he chose centered around everyone and everything he loved and cherished the most that lit him up from the inside.  It never occurred to me that something inside him might be dying inside just the same as was happening to me.... Not even once. Not until he was honest about it and it terrified me that I might have been what did that to him and I needed to double check make sure that if it was me, the next time he would be so sure he had everything he wanted in his life he'd not even notice my absence and so couldn't die away inside no matter what the separation and closing him off from reaching me did to me. 

I didn't understand the depths of what it did to him, every time, because I genuinely believed he had built himself a life around everyone and all the happiness he chose for himself. And, because I had removed remaining points of contact I couldn't see anything at all about what he was going through or his emotional landscapes. I had no way to know at that point. 

And more than anything I put myself through, I'm upset with myself over what I put him through if I was that wrong... But, trying to deny that my choices hurt him (whatever made me choose the ways I did, knee jerk reactionary or good logic on bad premises or a bit of both still my choices and actions were MY choices and actions therefore the responsibility for them rests on my shoulders) won't FIX or HEAL anything, all it will do is kick the can down the line and lead to more hurting him and a lot of mental gymnastics to justify it. Only by OWNING the fact that my past choices caused him hurt (regardless my intentions) can I learn from them to find greater truth and to heal and to choose better moving forward. Trying to deny to myself, or anyone else, that he cares and cares deeply and needs the bond to be his best truest self is a path to self-sabotage and breeding more hurt and pain in both of us. And that's just stupid doesn't get anybody any damn thing they want.

Would you like to hear my favorite portion from a Rumi poem that I have loved since I first read it when I was like 11 or 12 or so because it felt like finding an old friend where you least expect to see them? Well, whether you want it or not, it crossed my path randomly in someone else's post this evening and made me smile when I read it, so here it is:

 

"The minute I heard my first love story

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.

They’re in each other all along."

- Rumi

 I've always particularly liked that one, the first time I encountered it this life is what got me interested in Rumi's poetry in the first place.  What can I say? Bit of a hopeless romantic you're dealing with here, even if I try to hide it behind the practicality of my Capricorn moon and using logic (even when it's built on bad premises, maybe especially then the hopeless romantic in me is hardest to see. But she's always there just waiting for the smallest scrap of hope to turn the story around.)  I mean, my favorite movie growing up AND my first celebrity crush as a kid would be Westley/Dread Pirate Roberts in Princess Bride. Which should surprise nobody, it never seems to when I share that truth about myself and my stubborn consistency as to my type, even as a child. But also: "Why didn't you wait for me?" "Well. You were dead." "Death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while."  I'm actually quite a bit of an eternal optimist and even TRYING to be a realist tends to be soul crushing to me until I rally and rebel and return to my more normal optimism and hope and belief that if you CHOOSE something with all your heart and stick to it you can find your way to it regardless anyone or anything that gets in the way.

That's probably not at all what you were expecting or hoping for from me. But it's been a quiet harmonious balanced day in my life and in my head, so I don't really have anything else for you besides gifting you that bit of softness unexpected truth of mine. 

Probably about all I got done today other than sleeping with the fur babies sprawled across me and some tidying up book piles catching my booklist up in my computer catalog and putting away newer book acquisitions was coming into work in time to visit with all the doggos and humans briefly for an hour or so before everyone was gone by 6pm. O and discussing with Amanda (an optometrist in Iowa who became a friend over whiskey chocolate pairings, Irish music, more whiskey, fantasy novels, and random science discussions) about our whiskey fantasy book  pairing book club. In our initial discussions, she said she wanted to do Fourth Wing with an extra smokey peaty Scotch (because dragons) but I wanted to double check with her if she wanted that as our first whiskey book club choice for June or if she wanted to wait on it until the third book comes out (and winter is a good time for cozy smokey scotches, I want something a bit lighter crisper in my summer whiskey sipping.) And she said she didn't think she could handle rereading the first/second books so soon until the third book is out. (Both Amanda and Crissy have read the first two books, I only recently bought them and I tend to buy books as they are released for the authors sake but then wait for the series to be completed before binge reading them all together -- otherwise I have to reread the older ones before I can read the newest one and I reread as many times as needed the older ones.)  So I asked her how she felt about the Elements of Cadence duology both Crissy and I picked up at Target in St. Louis (one of the few books I bought there that wasn't part of a not yet finished series) by Rebecca Ross and she said she also had never read them but loved the pretty cover art and titles so was up for it. We haven't picked a whiskey yet (or at least a region/flavor profile) for the inaugural June (ish? we haven't set a date yet either) meeting but we've decided on the first nearly 1,000pgs commitment two books for our whiskey drinking fantasy loving book club, lol.  I'm thinking something summery light from an island for the first one and something related but a bit more fiery for the second book based on the descriptions -- because what we know is it's set on an island and it's about elemental magic and politics and has four main characters making two love stories. 

I'm thinking maybe Japanese whisky for the region -- I've been wanting to try Kaigan for a little while now because the bottles are gorgeous and in my limited experience trying them, I find Japanese whisky (whether drunk neat or a traditional Japanese highball) to be light crisp for summer sipping. I tend to naturally divide my whiskeys/scotches into seasons. I don't think anyone else does that, but I eat seasonally and my taste in whiskeys/scotches shifts based on the seasonality of the year's wheel. Also, the lowest entry level Kaigan is only $40 and the bottle art matches the art on the first book. I also want to try the Sakura cask and some of the others, which are different aged blends and mostly all right around the $70 price point unless they're the longer aged ones. But I think the $40 entry level blend of theirs that matches the book visually is a good entry point for me to try their whisky if Amanda approves Japanese whisky for our first region of whisky book pairing to try.

 And that is the most productive thing I have done today, getting a group consensus for our new book club (which Amanda posted about to float the idea if anyone else wished to join us in her women's whiskey group she runs with Darian) and to have a potential region in mind for the whiskey pairing. But also, look at this book cover (the left one):

And look at this bottle:

Now tell me you don't see where I'm going at least visually suggesting I want this for my whisky pairing to try with this first book. We can go with something more fiery for the second book once we have a better sense of the characters and world building, but for the first what we have is the cover art/title and island divided into regional factions and elemental magic and music and four main characters and so I think I would like to try this as my pairing if Amanda agrees to Japanese whisky sipping for our June book club.

No idea if I will LIKE Kaigan whisky since I've never tried any from their distillery, but look at all of these bottles and tell me you can't understand why their gorgeous labels make me want to try them to at least have the beautiful bottles to look at but until I have tried at least one of them, I only want to $40 commit to a bottle for now.....

O, and now that I have admitted that I am and have always been a hopeful romantic even if very single minded focused on how that manifests in my own affections AND I've talked books and whisky, how abouts I share this week's Astro Poets horoscopes before I forget, k? K. Theme still holding strong and steady for both Libra and Pisces, gotta say. In all my years following Astro Poets I've never seen ANY signs this much consistently on brand on theme for this many weeks in a row....

"Week of 4/21 in Libra: You have love. You have a box of poems that tell the time. You can reach out and forgive. Let everything hold you. Let your self know what is the purest love."

"Week of 4/21 in Pisces: Yellow and green are knowing. That’s why they bend around the best parts. Finding it true is what you dream within. So much is purple and hazy. So much is the mystery go find it."

As someone who can only step out of state of flow to be aware of passage of time when she listens to music, "a box of poems that tell the time" in the Libra one has very specific meaning to me. But something in the entirety of that one made me want to cry when I read it last night but in the way that broke my heart open in the best way, the ways that let the light in. I think it made me cry because it says what I very much want to do and believe and to have be true but which I betimes find myself doubting if it is true. And the mix of yellow and green wrapping around the best parts in Pisces one made me laugh so hard as a lifelong Packers fan who is regularly found wearing greens and yellows. And then the "finding it true is what you dream within" hit me rather the same as the Libra one making me want to cry and breaking my heart open because it promises what I want to be true IS to be trusted and true. 

Or maybe I'm just extra lovey-dovey hopeful to shut door on the past to forgive and move forward into transformation and healing because the moon is currently in Libra (my sun and Mercury) within the three days approaching the Scorpio full moon that is within five degrees of my natal Venus  and Pluto  (both in my eighth house at that early part of Scorpio.)

Or maybe it's all just a crazy cosmic coincidence that feels like synchronicity and alignment but is really just the pattern seeking portion of the monkey brain. but sometimes, it feels nice to say it's written in the stars that the past is closing and we're moving forward into something better and brighter and healing as long as we're brave enough to say, "yes I want this change in myself and my life."

Now. I'm going to go make a cuppa to go with my midnight snack of my slice of cheesecake from Saturday night that I forgot to eat or bring home when I left work last night.

I truly am working at discarding my assumptions I have allowed to take root inside me regarding Eric, especially ones that have grown out of logical likelihoods and/or reactionary fears. I recognize that a lot of them were either planted or took such a deep hold as a consequence of me believing that the best thing I could do for him was to let him go and accept that our lives were intended to be separated this life given me being ostracized from core important elements of his life after what happened in October 2018 by his sister in the name of his entire band. A large amount of what is being dealt with simply didn't exist in me as assumptions prior to that, I may never have considered the question before that but I also hadn't put credence into ideas that he might not hear or feel the connection as well. It simply wasn't anywhere inside my head before October 2018 to deny the possibility that what I'm seeking is seeking me. I am trying to pull out ideas based on convincing myself what I don't want to be true but felt I needed to make me accept true especially when the "evidence" I used with myself were the arguments about statistical likelihood in terms of general population. I'm working on shifting to instead focus on evidence such as what he says and does himself and where there is alignment/mirroring with my own experiences (even when they're wyrd as fuck.) 

I'm working on it. But working on things doesn't mean they're instantaneously disappeared or that they go away as if they never happened, scars and consequences always remain for choices made in the past even as you try to improve things for the future. Working on it means that when you encounter other versions of the same themes, you know better and so can do better than you used to behave in that sort of situation. It doesn't mean you'll never have the intrusive thoughts or doubts, it means that WHEN you have them, you call the bullshit what it is instead of listening to it treating it as truth with a capital t. That's what it means to do the work. I ain't gonna claim that on this subject I'm a full success at it (yet) because assumptions once you let them in can be damn insidious and crop up in the strangest places, but I'm trying. And I know about me that the more evidence I have this is right, the more it will gain the upper hand in my questioning til I treat it as a certainty that he does in fact feel the pull and have similar experiences to my own because the bond pulls the same force on each attachment point, on each of us. Getting there isn't the same as already there, but what matters is seeing the change that needs to happen and working on making it real. The sucky thing about wrong turns is how far it can take you away from where you were trying to go -- but one of the things to always remember is that even though you can take a wrong turn at any point in any life and keep following it as long as you choose, you also have the opportunity in every given moment you're alive to recognize that a wrong turn was made and about face start to fix things to head back in the direction that is right for you and you want to be headed.

Yesterday was a lot of fun and a really lovely girl's day!  I do always enjoy visiting art museums and the Milwaukee Art Museum is one I frequent enough times in a year to be worth having the membership, especially since discovering Art in Bloom. This year's flower arrangements/paintings were gorgeous, but there was nothing quite as stunningly wow moment as last year. But it was still gorgeous and we had an absolutely lovely girl's day at the museum. We randomly ran into Bonnie, or rather she saw me and thought it looked like me then saw my mum and was sure) and had a nice chat catch up. (Bonnie is my first cousin once removed by marriage. She is married to my da's cousin Eric from the Chicago Jewish side of the family; Eric met Bonnie in Madison thought while living with our family working at my parents store trying to figure out what to do with his life and then he met Bonnie who was in pharmacy school at UW Madison at the time before they moved back down to Chicago where his family are and she got a great job offer.) Bonnie was there with her mom and sister-in-law who live in Milwaukee area, apparently it's their girls day tradition as well. It was a bonus unexpected surprise to see her -- the last I saw her was when I went down with my parents and Aunt Linda and Uncle Jeff for Uncle Frank's (my da an dhis siblings uncle) funeral and to sit shiva with Aunt Bobbi (my grandpa's sister) and all the kids/grandkids on that side of the family. It was fun to get to see Bonnie and have catch up and talk about the upcoming Seders (well, they're having their family Seder on Monday night at Laurie's house. But my family isn't holding one; we haven't held a proper Seder since my grandma stopped hosting because even with my help all day it was too exhausting for her to host and then for a couple years we would go to the big community seder hosted by Chabad for those not holding Seder within their own families, but after covid cancelled that we stopped even trying to make family plans for Seder. I try to keep as much as I can of the meal and traditions for myself and I re-read through the Chaggadah that night, but we don't hold it together as a family anymore. Which reminds me I should try to get to the store and pick up some gefilte fish and lemon and a new container of matszh meal since I'm out and one of the many secrets to my personal falafel recipe being the best falafel this side of Jerusalem according to my mum is that I use matzoh meal not flour in it... Also, it's more expensive but always use olive oil never canola or grapessed oil -- if you use any oil except olive oil in making falafel you're doing it wrong.)

After Art in Bloom, My mum, Crissy and i stopped at DSW because both Crissy and I are in need of new shoes (me more than her, I haven't actually bought any new pairs of shoes in over three years at this point and even my newest ones are showing serious signs of wear/breakdown and last couple years I've had multiple pairs of shoes literally break apart while on my feet. No lie.) We both found several pairs and my maman found a new wallet.  We then went next door to the Brookfield Total Wine (our actual mission before noticing it was next door to a DSW) so my maman could buy a bottle of Sexton (a whiskey I introduced her to last fall and one of her lower priced favorites; also one of my favorites, it tastes like Spring if a whiskey can taste of springtime) because the Madison Total Wine no longer carries it (across the board Total Wine has cut back on all their Irish whiskey options and they hide them in the very back of their whiskey aisle, with the Canadian whiskeys beyond even the flavored whiskeys, and anywhere that the head of the whiskey department is a bourbon fan rather than a scotch fan the cutbacks on Irish whiskeys are even more dramatic) and also to check out their seasonal beers section because Brookfield has an amazing selection of beers compared to the Madison Total Wine.  Then, because I had put the idea of prime rib in all of our heads while talking about supper clubs as a Wisconsin tradition, we went to Brothers Three on the way back into town for their prime rib which they are known for. It was so delicious but we all took over half of it home for morning steak and eggs or in my case, dinner tonight. And we have lots of scraps for the dogs, and in my home the cat. (Spock in many ways is as much a dog in a cat body as anything else and is HIGHLY food motivated, especially if it's a food he likes. I had to train him to stay out of the kitchen if he wanted any scraps and the downside of my training method is it means that both cat and dog expect scraps on their own plates as soon as I'm done cooking ready to eat or as soon as I'm done with my own meal to split scraps between them.)

Anyway, I promised a vanity post because my proportions were so ridiculous yesterday after I got dressed so if you missed my face (or my boobs) you're in luck. Here are some sunny morning before leaving town (but post chocolate chips) pictures

(the reason for the funny expression in that last one is because Waffles is a very enthusiastic kisser and if you grin or try to talk while she sneaks a kiss, you're liable to get your teeth or entire mouth dog slobbered by accidental French kiss smooches from the pooch. She is a VERY enthusiastically loving doggo, lol.)

As you can see, absolutely ridiculous Jessica Rabbit body type.... And a very needy loving puppy who just celebrated her one year anniversary of driving across the country with me from my sister's family's home in Seattle area to come be a Wisco doggo. 

My boobs remained ridiculous all day (and I did wear a sweater and scarf most of the day in the museum, except while downstairs in the cafe which was exceedingly warm, warm enough even I wanted to remove layers and I'm habitually cold, lol.

And before the argument that it's a push up bra or anything like that, it wasn't. I tend to find balconette bras the most comfortable for my rib cage, boob size, and the small size of the sternum gap between them (due in part to the small ribcage) so I don't actually own any push up bras and my only lightly padded bras are the strapless/adjustable strap bras because those need the thicker structure to function. And as further proof, this is how the dress fit after I reached the "I am so done with wearing this bra and the way it is currently digging into the space between two ribs and took it off.... (I don't like flopping about everywhere without a bra which is the reality for most women with larger breasts when they go braless and the chance of major side boob or spilling over my tops or nip slips get really high without a bra holding my boobs in place -- but at home I don't tend to put a bra on unless I'm headed out somewhere (even just to take the dog on a walk) or expecting someone might show up or going to do some dance or yoga or exercise) but the bottom of the bra falling into the gap between ribs is a seriously painful all too common thing that happens based on how short waisted, small shoulders, and small ribcaged I am.

(Spock is also very affectionate and gives kisses like he thinks he's a dog, only even at its softest a cat has a sandpaper tongue so his kisses are the reason I made the face in the next picture)

And then before you say it's the wrap dress v neck (that dress, the "top" is just two VERY long strips of cloth attached to the skirt to wrap up and around and cross to tie any way you choose -- and I stopped wearing lower cut shirts especially v necks to shows after a friend of mine took a picture to show me the view from onstage elevation when I wear a v neck when I was wondering why so many musicians toss me picks to try to land in my cleavage; it's why I wear a lot of crew neck band tees more than the more alluring lower cut and v neck shirts.)  So to further illustrate it's not just flattering cuts that emphasize my boobs but just my phenotype, here I am in a very oversized men's cut tee large tee that was my da's in high school and I stole from him when I was a small kid to use as pyjamas (it's super soft but I know its days are limited given it's been around since the late 70s or early 80s or so.)

I just inhabit a body this life with the most ridiculous phenotype genetics could give me that looks like G-d asked a teenage boy super to design me. I recognize it about me and I don't really do much to sell it because somewhere in my 20s I got tired of getting constantly hit on so it was easier to change my personal style from feminine cuts that emphasized my good points to a more tomboyish crewneck band tees and jeans and sweaters vibe. I still wear a lot of skirts and dresses when I can find ones that fit my unusual proportions. And like, as you can see, I'm not severely overweight or anything like that to cause me intermittent body dysmorphia -- I'm just now a size 4 not a size 0/2 with some extra padding in my hourglass that I didn't used to have who only exercises for the joy of movement but can't make herself work out as a have to AND I'm a recovering dancer who can't do as much dance anymore, almost anything that requires me landing on the right leg is now out and that means ballet and Irish dance -- I can still do belly dance, which I took up after fracturing three toes including one big toe after a friend and I accidentally dropping a solid wood liquor cabinet on my foot, but I haven't found a teacher or group of technique driven tribal fusion style that I connect with and like since Ayperi moved away) since minor fracturing my shin bone after accidentally slamming it into a carousel animal and then refracturing it in a spiral break the length of the shin bone doing morning grande pliés in seconde before it was fully healed. (Don't recommend that.) And the thing is I KNOW that when I get like that thinking negative thoughts about myself, all I need to do is do some toning up core work and the dysmorphia won't really have anything to work with, lol. I just have to get up and do it and I'll feel better for it. And by core work, I mostly mean dance exercises, yoga, pilates, or horse back riding -- I've never been and never will be a "sit ups/crunches are fun" person, I'm generally more interested in strength training and toning that is fun movements not repetitive robotic exercise. I should get back into yoga more, but the yoga instructor I liked moved out of town and the last couple times I attended hot yoga, the instructors kept pushing me in a self-competitive way because I could get more flexibility even though I TOLD them "No. I have hypermobile joints and easily dislocate rather than reaching the end of my flexibility -- I am more interested in strengthening and stabilizing  through the healthy full range of motion than pushing this stretch beyond into my hypermobile flexibility range." And why should I pay anybody to pick a fight with me to push me into injury just because I have extra flexibility due to Ehler-Danlos hypermobility and very close to origin muscle insertion points?

Anyway.

  All yesterday and this morning, my subconscious has been needling me with whispering a random earworm thread of the line "Don't you know I dream about you?" Not the rest of the song and not the instrumental parts, just that one line in his voice. And every time my conscious brain would respond to that one line of song in reply, "What? Wait no. Do you? All these years, I always assumed you didn't remember our shared dreams or what happens between our souls in shamanic vision dream space." 

Because. I call it shared dream space because it FEELS shared and as much as I lucid dream when not in vision dream space, he's like gods and angels and fée in that he's always his own separate entity individuated self that I can't lucid dream affect him like I can most aspects of most dreams I have. But I guess I thought it more like quantum entanglement of him into my dreams but never expected he might remember them. I don't know that I have ever fully believed that he might actually dream about me. And as for the song, like most of his lyrics, I tend to assume "not about me" because our lives have always been separate enough I assumed the Occam's Razor logic that his songs are about other women, ones he has actually been in lust/love with in his actual day to day lived experiences life.

I feel like this is a question I should have considered before this. Just as I should have examined my assumptions that my gifts and remembering didn't mean he had similar gifts or remembered me/us. But then. As I've said before, any string between two points pulls on both equally -- everything in the bond tugs as hard on his soul as it tugs on mine. So if I remember at least some of our shared dreams and our souls wandering together in shamanic vision dream space, why wouldn't he remember at least some of them from his perspective? Assuming he doesn't makes as much sense as assuming he doesn't feel the pull of the bond or assuming he doesn't remember our past lives.... I think... I should assume less that he falls into general population laws of probability and assume more that we reflect each other and so the probability is highest with him that whatever I can do and experience relative to the bond he also can do and experiences....  I think if I'm going to assume anything unexamined regarding him rather than knowing and learning, that's a better place to begin.

But then, that begs the question: IF he dreams about me, what does he dream about regarding me? I hope they're more often good than anything else..... 

I'm going to go back to waiting for my hair to dry enough I can go get dressed and while I wait sipping hojicha green tea while watching the sunrise and reading in the last 150pgs of Memoirs of a Geisha. I had put it on pause because I didn't like what I felt was coming next in that chapter that was setting up for a debasement sexual abuse rapey scene (and I didn't like it when I finally went back and made me read it but it was less than I had feared it might develop into) but I'm at the point of ready to be done having it as my purse book and I'm between books for my at home reading. Although, as I keep sipping this tea, I'm suddenly getting a bit sleepy so I should go find some sugar maybe make some coffee or something... Considering my hair is still sopping wet after showering and at 8 or 8:30ish I'm supposed to take Waffles to my parents house to spend the day with my da and Sophie (my parents dog) and to pick up my mum to go get Crissy then head to Milwaukee, this is really bad timing for a sneaky sleepy waves attack. *yawns* I'll figure something out.  Bare minimum would be getting dressed and setting alarms for a cat nap and hope my hair is more or less manageable when I get up from napping.

But. Back to the start. I never considered and now I wonder: does he dream about me? Does he remember the conversations we've had in shared dream space? I always assumed he didn't because I didn't see any reasons he would. But maybe I shouldn't have been assuming that....maybe I should have assumed that if I remember my dreams with him, then he would most likely remember his dreams with me....

Happy sunrise! I'm gonna set the book aside at the next chapter break so I can go plug my phone in then stand in the kitchen still wrapped in towels and eat a handful or two of chocolate chips while staring at the counter as I consider the merits of making oatmeal with peanut butter and/or chocolate chips and/or maple syrup/honey and if I think making a pot of coffee is a good idea or a bad idea for me right now.... Sugar is more effective than caffeine with me to combat the sleepy waves. Sometimes caffeine actually makes me sleepy when I wasn't before -- I can fall asleep after drinking three-fourths a pot of coffee and it's all I can do to set down the cup in my own damn hand so I don't spill it all over me while I'm sleeping. ADHD and red head gene and migraines and Ehlers-Danlos hypermobility reduced cartilage building makes a wild combination as to how chemicals/drugs react with my metabolic processes.... Everything in the -caine family burns along my nerves instead of numbs but lidocaine burns the worst followed by Novocaine, wine (especially red wine) makes me agape love everyone want to hug all of the Universe while hard liquor neat is a massive sugar rush turns me into a manic hummingbird like giving a toddler a 3ft pixi stix telling them they can eat the whole thing if they want, and caffeine can put me to sleep though not as quickly and effectively as plain ole chamomile which knocks me out like someone took the batteries out and even the smell can make me woozy so I dont let anyone drink chamomile tea in the car when I'm driving, lol. So I'm not sure if I should make coffee right now. Social conditioning says I should, but knowing myself tells me it would make things worse and sleepier for me. Better to start with the handful(s) of chocolate chips and then go get dressed and see where things are at with my sleepiness.

P. S. As hoped, the chocolate chips by the handfuls sugar rush did the trick to wake me up. Crissy is picking up Starbucks for us this morning, but a five shot caramel macchiato has enough sugars to wake me up and the caffeine to make me more focused less scattered without making me sleepy the way black coffee and tea can. 

P. P. S. My boobs are ALWAYS ridiculous because 28H is a fucking ridiculous bra size. However today, in this dress, they are extra Jessica Rabbit.... Hot damn.... I may have to take some vanity pics today because between the Venusian boobs and the Botticelli curls, I look quite a lot of "dayumn gurl" today. (The funny part is that before I put the dress on, I was feeling very body dysmorphia "eww you've a tummy and are flabby squishy right now, you need to get back to exercising more Dani" about myself but with the dress draped over me, all I can see is the ridiculous curls and curves on this body I'm in this life. Even in this untamed semi feral fey state of not trying to be anything but myself it gives even last life a run for the money and given my last life was iconic Hollywood bombshell blonde hourglass sex symbol life, that's saying something. Definitely will be needing a cardigan today to be museum appropriate -- and not just because I get chilled easily and didn't bother to tie it to hide my bra straps in the back.  Maybe a scarf as well.... Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. 

 O, right. Random point of clarification. (which probably maybe doesn't need clarifying at all, but in my head it maybe did so here it is.)

I refer to him as the polar bear because in dream space he often IS in polar bear form. I don't actually KNOW if he would refer to himself as a bear most specifically a polar bear, I just refer to him that way in dream space and I called him many many lifetimes ago when the Vikings first encountered native tribes and I also told him as kids this lifetime in dream space that he's a polar bear when he's protective or sad or angry. But just because I have seen the polar bear in him for so long doesn't mean he does or anyone else does or he would ever refer to himself that way. Or maybe he does. And maybe it's all just the biggest coincidence or maybe it's a synchronicty or a gift from the Universe or maybe something even bigger or maybe it means nothing. I don't know.  I can just tell you why it is I refer to him as the polar bear or my polar bear. 

And my reason why is that in dream space he IS often in polar bear form whether he would self define that way or I just define him as such. Dream space is like that, only true natures show so if there's a strong spirit animal attachment or affinity for a soul, entities can show up that way as their own truth. But he's not ALWAYS or JUST his polar bear form. Sometimes he flickers between it and his physical self it just depends. I would say any time I've seen him incredibly protective, hurt, sorrowful, angry, looking for a fight in spirit dreams he is ALWAYS ALWAYS in his bear form. And when I've had spirit dreams about what is going on in his life that he is choosing paths we cannot walk together or he's choosing to be with someone else, he's always in bear form. But dreams like the one from the other night... He was in bear form when I first got close enough to see he was the source of the reversed shooting stars, he was a big white blur of singing bearness. But then when I got there and landed and he saw me, he started the flickering switching between bear form and his physical everyday form and by the time I got to where he was and had dropped all the song star sparks I'd collected on my way to him because I cared more about hugging him than holding them when he was right there in front of me, he was very much him as himself who he is NOW who wrapped his arms around me not in his bear spirit form. And same for the whole rest of the dream of us laying in the flower meadow watching the shooting stars and dragons and him singing his long song.

In that recent vision dream, he was only in bear form BEFORE he saw me running toward him and we embraced. I will say that in spirit dream form he's been only himself as his living self or the bear form for like four or five or six centuries now (I process time weirdly, always have, for me the image I have of time is a giant golden sphere that rotates; the only way I can process linear human time is when I have music playing providing me a metronome of the swift passing now, otherwise I tend to exist in constant flow state of isness) and when he's polar bear in dream space he's been the same bear form in the spirit dream world no matter WHICH living body life self he is. So for many centuries now, his polar bear form in vision dream space has endured ACROSS his lifetimes and his bodies -- but he's not ALWAYS in polar bear form in vision dream space, if that makes sense. When we were kids meeting up in shared vision dream space, he tended to only flicker into polar bear form when he was sad or angry or protective or while waiting for me worrying I wasn't coming while his body still slept. 

Vision dream space is a place where only truth shows, even if it shows in symbolic ways. So I call him the polar bear in dream space because while it's not the only form he takes when we share paths in dream space, it's a form that for many recent centuries has never shifted no matter what age he is or what lifetime he is. I think... I have rather naturally taken to calling him by his name when I'm talking about his CURRENT life and his choices as who he is in life he has lived this time around so far BUT whenever I refer to his soul or what has been consistent about him (and especially his relations to me) across lifetimes I refer to him as the polar bear. It's a bit more fluid than that because it's been more of a subconscious distinction and both are always him, but that is more or less how I decide whether to refer to him as Eric or as the polar bear (or "my polar bear") even though when I refer to him I mean all of him as he is now and as he is always is and who he has been and who he could be. He's always him, whether I refer to him by his name or as the polar bear or just talk about him slantwise referring to the bond given the bond exists between his soul and mine so all that I say about it is always about him/us/me and nobody else.

Does that make sense? 

Also. Mostly who I encounter in dream space are not human spirit forms -- he's one of the only incarnating humans who can always find me or (apparently) call me to him in vision dream space. And he always can if we are both sleeping at the same time, as long as he is free of attachments chaining him somewhere else and he WANTS to find me reach me in dream space -- he's even entered himself into other dreams that are just in my head not  the fey/gods realm world of shamanic vision dream space.  It's on the list of "just him" things. Which is a significantly longer list than you might realize.

Also also. When Mikaela (bonus little sister/cousin unrelated to me) was a child, like 4 or 5 years old, she started referring to me as "Lady Polar Bear" even though she knew nothing at all about Eric or him showing up as a polar bear in vision dreams. When I asked her why, she would shrug say I just am. Later she would explain it as I am a lady polar bear seeking my polar bear wherever he is, but that was her later addition. She also as a child would glare and send away random guys including waiters and friends hitting on me when I took her to public spaces by telling them, "Go away. leave her alone. YOU'RE not her Prince Charming. That's her polar bear. And YOU aren't HER polar bear prince." It would make me laugh so hard when she sent off men hitting on me that way because she was right but also only a six year old child Taurus with Mercury in Aries and moon in Leo would ever be that blunt and stubborn about it to strangers. To this day she doesn't know about my dream space polar bear from anything I've ever said or hinted, but her childhood insistence about me being a Lady Polar Bear opened the door for literally everyone who knows me best to associate me with loving polar bears for the last 14 or 15 years or so.

I slept quite a long while last night/this morning after not sleeping for so long and woke up feeling very well rested and settled about NOW and what is coming. Also, today was one of grandma's good days, she was all singing gratitude and smiles and jokes today; so it was very happy and pleasant to see her spend time with her taking her to her podiatry appointment. I've got more than 40 hours in for the week now so I'm going to head home as soon as I finish this cuppa tea (Maharaja Spiced Oolong Chai from Churchill's) and then either bed or curl up to read with herbal teas til I'm ready for bed. Tomorrow I don't have to work and so I may not head in until late afternoon so I can spend some time with the doggos and hand off Waffles to my parents since Crissy and I are going to go see the Wisconsin Chamber Orchestra (with a guest French fiddler) since Tim (who plays with symphony, chamber orchestra, operas, and many other local area performances in need of a violinist) has comp tickets for it that he gifted Crissy and me. Then Saturday is a bit of girl's day (didn't have to be, just ended up that way) heading to Milwaukee Art Museum for Art in Bloom (where they celebrate Spring by pairing florists with paintings in the collection then display the floral art piece in the museum right in front of/near the painting that was the inspiration/muse; every year the paintings and floral arrangements and even the florist teams change throughout the museum collections) -- Crissy and I have gone before but this is the first time that my mum, Sarah, and Mikaela will attend Art in Bloom.  So that's more or less my upcoming couple days around the normal life things. Some music, some art, some flowers, some good food, some friends/family/chosen family.

So. I promised to tell the dream, and I do always keep my promise if you can get one from me. It may be fey pay attention to the exact wording I used keeping my promises and it may take longer than expected because I might hit some adhd time blindness object impermanence on the way -- but in time I DO keep my promises if you can get one out of me. And so I will tell about the dream.

The other night when I went to bed, I had a spirit dream with the polar bear in it. It wasn't anything particularly world changing insightful, ain't gonna fix global warming or bring peace to the fucked up everything that is my place of birth (aka the holiest and bloodiest fought over place on the planet.) This isn't a dream for the world, it's a shamanic vision dream just for me. And the polar bear, I guess it's a dream for him too. Because he was the heart of it. But then, this reward life isn't for the world, it's one of the few times you'll catch me being selfish and I knew exactly what I was doing when I made my ask. And remember, the Universe told me directly it would be easier to let me back early form my exile from Greece and France than to give me a life on the three terms I asked for this life. (1) I always be surrounded by love of those who can see and love me qua me 2) Any soul seeking me can always find me 3) as long as those first two remain met I would like to grow old again because it's been so many centuries of me dying young...) So just remember that I created the groundwork opportunity to choose a path to each other no matter how long we take at it over being allowed to live back in Greece or France early.  

Anyway. I'm overtired so I'm extra rabbithole wandering adhd honest tonight. I should head home soon and go to bed early and start putting away the book stacks another day.  I've been awake over like 40 hours now....And so as you can see, this is a very tired me listening to a podcast trying to get some things done, very overtired: 

 

So yeah, my eyes keep wanting to close on their own and I'm a bit stream of conscious rambly and that's not the best for telling a story like this -- but I'm going to go make some coffee to help me focus find the words I want and hope it doesn't put me to sleep (adhd with red head gene, caffeine calms me down to focus but if I'm overtired or have too much caffeine, I'll fall asleep while drinking my coffee.) But I don't want that.  I want to story tell the dream properly. So pause for me to have some coffee to help me focus be less scattered. (I know it all is one long words words words (I'm so sick of words) to anyone reading it, but the tone will change if I break and make me focus and try again. 

~*~*~*~

So. Focus storytelling time now Dani. About the polar bear dream. In shamanic vision dream space. Probably one of if not THE most beautiful dreams I can remember having. The dream symbolism is pretty obvious. But it was sweet and cozy and what I needed.

It started I had been wandering the dreamlands and was taking a pause sitting on a cliff with woods behind me and wood below me, watching the shooting stars. (fun fact about me: whenever I get a new calendar/planner, the very first thing I put in it is allll the meteor showers for the entire year.)  I'm not certain what meteor shower it was, the stars are different in dream space. I know in the waking, the soonest meteor shower is the Lyrids and they're just about to start (they peak next week, right around the full moon) but I'm not sure what meteor shower I was watching in the dream.

The meteor shower was gorgeous watching from the cliff and I found myself wishing on a shooting star that the bear was with me to watch them because I missed him and didn't know where in dream space he was. Right after that wish, I noticed that there were what looked like stars shooting up from a spot on the ground toward the center of the meteor storm, like reverse shooting stars. And I remember thinking, "Well that's not the normal way shooting stars work, not even in dream space. I wonder what it is..." And the longer I sat there watching it, the more it seemed like I could hear a song on the wind coming from the stars shooting up from the ground toward the stars and the more I got the itch under my skin that I had to go find out what it was.

So finally I gave up on sitting where I was up on the cliff and decided to go find out what was the source of the reverse shooting stars. Only it was a ways away and even if I climbed down the cliff I would have to go through the woods and would lose sight of the reverse shooting stars and it would take long enough they might stop by the time I left the woods. So I decided the best solution was for me to fly but there can be nasty things that attack from above in dream space and so i was trying to decide if that was the best idea when I heard a thought laugh from somewhere above me and I heard my childhood imaginary friend the golden dragon tell me, "Fly, what did I teach you to fly in dream space if you never use it? I'll watch your back while I dance with the stars up here. Go follow the songs, they're for you after all." When I looked closer I could just see a glint of gold flitting among the stars along with some other metallic dragon sparks. And nobody in their right mind messes with a dragon when they're in flight among the stars, not even one dragon but certainly not that many. 

So I stepped off the cliff to fly over the forest to where the reverse shooting stars were and as I got closer  I was able to catch the sparks and they were all songs. Or rather all the sparks were songs that fit together like a puzzle pieces of the same song. So I started collecting them as I flew and I had an armload of song sparks as I got closer to the source. And when I got there, I saw it was a meadow of wildflowers and in the center of it was the polar bear, singing up to the stars and the songs were the sparks flying like reverse shooting stars up to meet the actual shooting stars where the dragons were dancing. And then I got to him just as fast as I could once I saw it was him and he caught me up in the biggest hug and I'll admit I just dropped all of the star song fragments I had collected so I could hug him back. And finally I said, "I didn't know you could do that." He laughed said, "I didn't know either. But it was taking so long to get back to you again. And I know that if the skies are clear you always watch the stars and if you can hear them, my songs are always the best way to reach you. I just wanted to reach you so I could hold you." 

So then we lay there in the meadow of the flowers watching the shooting stars and the dragons dancing with them above us and I asked him if he could sing me the song whole, not in fragments, and he warned me it was a long song but it was his favorite story to sing into being. And I insisted I wanted to hear it, or at least as much of it as he wanted to share, so he started singing it again, and it was the song about us and our love, while we lay there cuddled up watching the stars and dragons in the meadow of wildflowers. 

And it was the most beautiful song, but as he said it's a very long song. So he didn't finish it before it was time for him to return to the waking world -- but he told me to stay there listening to his song stars I had collected that were all pieces of his great long song because knowing I was listening to those sparks of his song light made him as happy as he could possibly be while not with me able to hold me. And he promised he'd sing the long song to me whenever possible, as well as every time I met him there in that flower filled meadow in shared dream space. 

Anyway. it was a beautiful dream and the most beautiful song. Probably the most beautiful dream I've ever had. And I'm going to hold him to that promise to keep singing the song for me to hear it all. (but not tonight. I'm at work still tonight and I'm not tired yet and I have a lot of cleaning and moving books/bookshelves to get done before heading for dinner and the Alice in Wonderland ballet at Overture Hall with my mum if I'm going to have things ready for the great fridge exchange that's supposed to happen on Weds but they haven't yet contacted me to schedule a delivery/installation time... And if it's not Weds, it will have to be Fri for the fridge delivery because if they try to bring it Thurs, I won't be able to delay my grandma's appointment.) 

I'm not sure I did justice to the beauty of the dream in my storytelling. But I opted for barebones to stop all my overtired wandering, lol.

 On the scale from 1 to useable pianos.... 

This would be why I said I would be playing George Winston for the cat as long as he wanted or until he once more has access to the piano bench for naps. 😆 George Winston on at home for the cat and Billy Joel on at work for the dog.  Sound about right. (I just dropped Waffles off at work so she won't be barking and underfoot for the strangers and door wide open and fridge moving -- I will be locking Spock in my bedroom/closet/master bathroom to contain him but make sure he still has access to his litter box, food, and water)

And yeah, that's only about half my nonfiction books (that aren't reference or text books, lol.) Remember, I am a woman who lacks shelf control and so all my shelves are secondhand mismatched and they are stacked double/triple thick with books.... In my dream someday home, I have a dedicated library  with gorgeous real wooden shelves and enough of them for all my books to be single stacked with room to breathe and all be seen. But for now, I live the overcrowded secondhand until the weight of the books breaks the particle board or the pegs holding up the shelves snap and I have to unload all the books and haul a 6ft bookshelf down the stairs and to the curb by myself and hope I have recently enough found a curbed but useable second hand bookshelf or at least something cheap to buy off somebody. 

Anyway. Books and art. If you can't handle a LOT of books and art, I don't suggest visiting me or trying to live with me... Because I have a LOT of both.... (Should probably also be cool with pets, plants, minimal or no blinds/curtains because the plants and I like the light and birds, a large tea collection, rocks/crystals, random sticks and feathers I liked, whiskey generally of the Irish or Scotch persuasion, candles and other witchy shit, a preference for wood (preferably with pretty grains, but just generally fond of wood) not plastic furniture, and music related things... All of those are pretty central to my aesthetic and lifestyle, but the books and art are a definitely walk in the door "damn!" of having walked into a combination library art gallery space.  Also, moving me too far or too frequently is and will always be a bitch -- because you will pry my books from my cold dead hands but come hell or high water I'm bringing my books with me.....

But yeah, for now my piano is currently surrounded by theology, science, philosophy, memoirs, and history books. And the guitars are beyond that.

Similarly, the coffee table is currently surrounded by foreign language (mostly French) and dual language books. 😆 

I decided not to bother moving the books from the temporary stacks until the bookshelves can make it back where they belong again.  Which should HOPEFULLY be before lunch! They texted and emailed me last night that they were scheduling my delivery for 9-11a today and to login to reschedule ASAP if that didn't work. And I was really happy about that because I had overthinking anxiety about waiting around all day getting scheduled late evening because it could be scheduled anytime between 7a-8p and then they never arrive so they schedule it for Thurs and I have to call and try to to reach somebody, any human, tell them to move it to Fri because Thurs is the ONE day all week I can't be around in the daytime because I need to take my grandma on an afternoon appointment. And then they tell me they can't do Fri, they can do Thurs or Sat (when I'm in Milwaukee for Art in Bloom) or like two weeks from now and I have to just live with it all like this..... Anxiety monkey braining spin out is the worst...

No, I'm grateful the text last night said I have the 9a-11a scheduling window and hopefully be done before lunch and maybe even start getting things back where they belong.... On verra. They did text and email that it's marked out for delivery! (But the nearest Costco distribution hub is down in Janesville so probably still an hour or more and thatwould be if I were their first stop which is unlikely.) 

Also. I realized something when I was removing everything from inside/on my fridge. So my fridge breaking down is forcing me to erase let go of some residual energy from my exes (among other people like former roommates and friends coming over.) See, I have the Shakespeare, suggestive, and squirrel magnetic poetry sets all mixed together and my policy was always anything anyone wrote I'd leave up on the fridge "until the fridge dies or someone else wants to steal a word from it" and so I had some funny things and steamy love notes still on my fridge in magnetic poetry form from ex boyfriends I haven't thought of for like a decade. And I didn't take any pictures of what had been written, just  took down all the words, in phrases or all by themselves to go back in the pool of unused words, put them all mixed together in a tin. But I didn't realize til they were all taken down that night my fridge broke that I had just cleared out the energetic lingering from exes and friends I no longer had any ties to but whose words had remained on my fridge. Haven't decided yet if they're all going up or just keep the random mix of words in a tin and only finished phrases/poems get to be up on the fridge. On verra 

Anyway, my cuppa tea is done so I'm going to go wrinkle release fluff the socks left in the dryer last night so I can start matching them and make coffee and then decide if I want to clean/organize or read on this rainy blustery gray morning with George Winston music in a holding pattern waiting for the Costco delivery people to exchange the old dead fridge for the new.

A dream is a wish your heart makes, When you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches, Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, Your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, If you keep on believing, The dream that you wish will come true

 I had the most beautiful vision dream with the polar bear the other night when I promised to sleep as soon as I safely got myself home. It is one of the most beautiful vision dreams I've ever had. And I very much want to share about it, but I have lots to get done and limited time remaining to do it so I don't have time to tap it all out on my phone right now. But I will. I don't know when I can promise to do it, probably not til Wednesday or Thursday night, but I promise that I will share it here. Promise! Because it was a really beautiful and magical dream.

But I did want to say something quickly here. In the dream, I didn't ask him any of my questions, not even the hardest for me of all those last degrees of Gemini moon overthinking questions: what if our lives don't fit together this lifetime and we have to figure out what to do with the bond if we don't make up our minds to share our life paths moving forward. And it's a deep seated future fear in me but I realized somewhen in the dream space that it's a fear that only has as much power as either of us give it. Because, the truth of the matter is, our life paths only can't merge to be the same path if one or the both of us CHOOSES not to make that our fateline. The only power there is to make thatpotential future happen is one or the other of us CHOOSING to manifest it to be real. And I can imagine lots of reasons/rationalizations either of us COULD choose such a thing, but why waste my energy and force of will on such imaginings? Quite literally, there's no reason to fear it because the only way it happens is if we choose to allow or make it happen. So quite simply, all we have to do is not choose to make it real. We can choose each other and figuring out how to create the shared life path we both want, that brings us both the happiness we seek in all it's different forms, and we can choose to create that together. It's that straight forward. The only way our lives DON'T fit together this life is if one or the both of us makes choices that take us apart from each other. 

So I didn't need to ask him. My higher self knew the answer all along. I just had to listen to myself. Its quite literally a fear that can only become reality if we choose to let it. So we just choose not to give it power and we both choose to keep trying to find the ways to bring our lives together to create a shared life path and then it will fit both of us because it will be the one we carved out for each other with our choices. 

I promise you that isn't the most beautiful or magical thing about the dream, but I needed to share it because realizing it created a shift in my brain that I haven't fully analyzed but seems to be related to self confidence and realizing we have more agency than anyone or anything else in determining that we be together.

Anyway. I'm going to go get some laundry going then back to cleaning and temporarily rearranging everything. (I'm considering a reorganizing of some of my bookshelves, but it's not yet fully settled in my head how I will do it, it's just an idea I'm toying with since I've already cleared the foreign language shelf to move it so I can play with moving art books/reference to be by the nonfictions and see what I thnk. I like it organizationally to have those with the nonfictions, but I'm not sure I'll like it visually or best use of space since that bookshelf is narrow has shorter shelves than where the tall art/reference books currently are...) I currently have the smaller shelf moved out of the way and the foreign language books back on it, but I still have to move the massive bookshelf of half the non fiction books -- I'm thinking I will just leave the nonfictions blocking the piano til the shelf is moved back. It will annoy the cat as it will render the piano and bench inaccessible (and Spock likes to sleep on the piano bench when nobody is playing piano but he wishes someone would) until after the new fridge is installed, but I'll make it up to him by putting on George Winston til he's sick of it and/or the bookshelf is back where it belongs so the books can go back where they belong. 

Also, I'm looking forward to the storms and all the rain moving in tonight! I do love me a good storm and falling asleep with the windows open to listen to the rain! Looks like 4pm or so for start now, right around when mum and I plan to head to Cooper's for happy hour apps and wine for dinner. (The Momix Alice contemporary dance starts early, at 7, and it's 90 minutes long, 110 minutes with the intermission so I won't be checking in on anything til after 10ish central tonight.) Okay. Enough chatter though now that I'm literally small talking about the weather. I have lots to do today still, as well as waiting for the call to schedule delivery of the fridge which will hopefully be tomorrow but realistically may have to wait until Friday.... So you will just have to wait til I can carve out some time tomorrow or Thursday to write out all about my beautiful magical polar bear vision dream. And if I'm honest probably wait til then to hear any more of my rambling words at all unless you come find me in person int he interim.

[Post title: lyrics to a Disney song, from Cinderella. And if you didn't recognize A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes, I might need to disown you...]