All my astro and tarot people have been doom speaking about the Scorpio full moon as being this dramatic emotional upheaval tower things falling apart and dying and endings... And it feels like I'm living in an alternate universe from them all. I can't tell if it's because I have a Scorpio stellium (including my Venus and Pluto) within my eighth house (based on where my natal eighth to ninth switch falls in Scorpio) and Pisces rising so I'm just naturally comfortable in deep waters or because all of the inner digging up I've been doing to face stuff and the place my inner life is in right now, but I feel almost the exact opposite. I feel... a very gentle but strong sense of being held in love floating in a calm sea waiting for the what comes next but with the trust that it's a bit like the dawn lighting up into day, something completely different than what's come before.  

Not to jinx anything, I've certainly had my bouts of agitation and overthinking and doubts and listening to fears rather than reality and fighting thrashing about like a fish trapped in a net can't find a way free from everything closing in -- but it's not how I feel now. I feel like the worst is over because it has been and is being faced with honesty by both of us and so now is the soothing of healing rest before the excitement of discovery of what comes next.

It's just funny because it's so opposed to the catastrophizing of all the pink moon in Scorpio from everyone everywhere.  I mean, I do recognize that overall, astrotok has shifted all of astro/tarot toward clickbait style catastrophizing to game the algos. but this seems excessive for a Springtime full moon. This is one of the least panicky.

Mostly what I've been feeling is calm and inner peace and rightness in trusting the process that we are nearing the versions of ourselves we need to be to come back together. That and an inner nagging that I haven't been working on my real writing enough recently and I need to get back into it more systematically. Weirdly, I've also been feeling a calling inside me to learn wire wrapping for jewelry... I've always collected and loved stones/crystals but this isn't an art I've done before, but recently I pick up certain stones and I can SEE in my mind's eye the right wire wrap job for the stone and an itching in my fingers to make it. I don't have the tools and I've never learned or tried it, it's just something that my inner self is telling me.

There's also been a whispering inside of me that if I'm serious about trusting him and healing process, I should listen to his ask and follow him again on all my socials instead of holding back from the fear of reactionary to the same toxic patterns that happened in the past when he'd show up in my stories with a "content not available" message because he had shared something from his sister or the band account that his sister blocked me on back in Oct 2018 and it just made me upset and angry and feeling the injustice of the block all over again only he was the focus because it was his stories I couldn't watch and couldn't clear out of my stories no matter what I did other than unfollowing him so that they wouldn't show up in my feed. I did TELL you that when that happened by the actions/choices of neither him nor me but of a third party's choices in his name, it was/is the source of over 99% of every single one of the toxic bad thoughts and the wrong turns and losing ground and misunderstandings between him and me these last years that have led to me trying to give him up entirely remove me from his options and him from mine. I mean, it's a straightforward cause and effect fact at the root of everything that has happened and it's never been addressed or solved, just scarred over trying to heal in spite of it. I ain't gonna dwell on it or let it guide my choices regarding him but also I ain't gonna lie about anything those actions created and birthed into the world and our relationship. there are a lot of Libras who will people please and lie to keep the peace, but I have WAY too much else in my chart that is bluntly honest truth seeking (Capricorn moon, Scorpio stellium including Venus, Sagittarius stellium including Mars) AND was raised in very bluntly honest truth speaking family where I'm one of the most diplomatic not particularly opinionated ones so I'll not be the girl to lie about what I experienced in the past or present. There's no lasting peace that can be built upon the foundations of a lie -- so don't expect me to ever pull my punches about who did what in the past if it's not been acknowledged and cleaned up. Because I won't. I'm not that sort of people pleasing white lie speaking Libra sun/Mercury with Pisces rising.

But that doesn't feel as much currently in play as it has in the past (or may be again in the future) but the focus inside me is just to relax and trust and believe that there's a way through now that we both are certain that what we want matters more than anything else getting in the way and we're no longer self-sabotaging thinking that doing so is in the best interests even though it hurts and is upsetting. 

It's really all just very calm and supportive and love in the space before what comes next unfolding. Which is SUCH a contrast to this time a year ago (when I chose to cut him off from reaching me by blocking the energy of the lamprey or anyone/anything her energy was attached into) or two years ago and that place i was in last year that I was going to stubborn bit in my teeth find someone else for this life because that was the option open to me. It's even a complete contrast with all the turmoil of digging through the inner shadow work across the last six months. (Also. I feel so grateful for where it feels like everything IS versus where everything WAS, though I feel like I still don't have the full story for how/why this is the fateline where we are now.... I still don't understand how/why he broke through to reach me again or that he realized it was important enough to him to fight to claw his way back to reach me again and reestablish the bond's full strength and choose it. I feel like there are pieces I'm missing, but right now I'm just so happy and grateful at how much better HERE is than THERE that I don't feel impatience for answers right now, that i can wait on the unfolding til I have enough information to understand make sense of it all.) 

Also. Yesterday and today he's just been all sorts of intermittent unexpected rushes of love light flowing down the bond to me. Which is always heady and lovely and delightful when he does that. Even if I don't understand the why of it, I'm just happy to have the isness of it.

So it's funny to me that it's all "past things burbling up from the depths and overturning everything" that astro is claiming with this full moon and everything else. Completely not at all the inner space I'm in right now. 

Anyway, I'm still at work for a bit and then heading home. My plans for tomorrow are to get some cleaning/chores done and reshelf books and dust bookshelves (I decided after trying it that I hated the visual look of the art books and reference over by the nonfictions and that I LIKED the way it looked first thing in the door to see the shelf full of all my French books and my dual language (most especially all my green Loeb Library Collection Greek philosophy texts -- I aspire to own them all some day even though they are individually pricey if I don't find them used) and as Mikaela told me when she agreed with me that it just didn't LOOK as good flipping them to increase logic in my book organization methods, "u don't have to use logic organize your bookshelves Dani ur not a bookstore or library" Which made me laugh so hard.  I invited my bonus sister/cousin unrelated to me over tomorrow to hang out with the animals and books and me since she doesn't have any classes and the only set plan we have is maybe I'll lay a fire for the chilly part of the morning (which is about all I have firewood stocked up at home for until I get some more. I'll probably grab some more from my parents garage whenever I'm there next because it's supposed to be a lot of rainy/stormy over the next week and that would just be extra levels of cozy.) 

P.S. Later addendum:

I guess if I force myself to peer deep into myself and examine for anything agitating me anywhere inside me right now, this is all that I find:

 I think. If I am fully and completely honest with myself. 

Every time I tried to make me give up Eric and even the hope of us reuniting this life, I knew what it would do to me. I knew the grayscale hopelessness and hollows it would send me into. I knew that trying to keep him from reaching me and putting the bond to sleep was going to desaturate all the emotions from me and that escapist distractions were all I could fill my time with while in that state. I knew what I was doing to myself and I convinced myself I could do that for the sake of his happiness, for the promise that he was going to still have all the people and things he chose for his own happiness and to build his life around. I told myself that repeatedly until I completely believed it and could use it to justify what I had felt since Oct 2018 I had no choice but to do for his sake. 

I don't claim any naïveté or innocence in me as far as what I knew I was smothering and trying to murder inside me to make it happen. But I was naive enough to genuinely believe that he wasn't going to feel it and hurt and go numb and die inside just the same as I was dying inside. I genuinely thought that in behaving the way I did, I was getting myself out of the way so he could build himself the life he chose centered around everyone and everything he loved and cherished the most that lit him up from the inside.  It never occurred to me that something inside him might be dying inside just the same as was happening to me.... Not even once. Not until he was honest about it and it terrified me that I might have been what did that to him and I needed to double check make sure that if it was me, the next time he would be so sure he had everything he wanted in his life he'd not even notice my absence and so couldn't die away inside no matter what the separation and closing him off from reaching me did to me. 

I didn't understand the depths of what it did to him, every time, because I genuinely believed he had built himself a life around everyone and all the happiness he chose for himself. And, because I had removed remaining points of contact I couldn't see anything at all about what he was going through or his emotional landscapes. I had no way to know at that point. 

And more than anything I put myself through, I'm upset with myself over what I put him through if I was that wrong... But, trying to deny that my choices hurt him (whatever made me choose the ways I did, knee jerk reactionary or good logic on bad premises or a bit of both still my choices and actions were MY choices and actions therefore the responsibility for them rests on my shoulders) won't FIX or HEAL anything, all it will do is kick the can down the line and lead to more hurting him and a lot of mental gymnastics to justify it. Only by OWNING the fact that my past choices caused him hurt (regardless my intentions) can I learn from them to find greater truth and to heal and to choose better moving forward. Trying to deny to myself, or anyone else, that he cares and cares deeply and needs the bond to be his best truest self is a path to self-sabotage and breeding more hurt and pain in both of us. And that's just stupid doesn't get anybody any damn thing they want.