I truly am working at discarding my assumptions I have allowed to take root inside me regarding Eric, especially ones that have grown out of logical likelihoods and/or reactionary fears. I recognize that a lot of them were either planted or took such a deep hold as a consequence of me believing that the best thing I could do for him was to let him go and accept that our lives were intended to be separated this life given me being ostracized from core important elements of his life after what happened in October 2018 by his sister in the name of his entire band. A large amount of what is being dealt with simply didn't exist in me as assumptions prior to that, I may never have considered the question before that but I also hadn't put credence into ideas that he might not hear or feel the connection as well. It simply wasn't anywhere inside my head before October 2018 to deny the possibility that what I'm seeking is seeking me. I am trying to pull out ideas based on convincing myself what I don't want to be true but felt I needed to make me accept true especially when the "evidence" I used with myself were the arguments about statistical likelihood in terms of general population. I'm working on shifting to instead focus on evidence such as what he says and does himself and where there is alignment/mirroring with my own experiences (even when they're wyrd as fuck.) 

I'm working on it. But working on things doesn't mean they're instantaneously disappeared or that they go away as if they never happened, scars and consequences always remain for choices made in the past even as you try to improve things for the future. Working on it means that when you encounter other versions of the same themes, you know better and so can do better than you used to behave in that sort of situation. It doesn't mean you'll never have the intrusive thoughts or doubts, it means that WHEN you have them, you call the bullshit what it is instead of listening to it treating it as truth with a capital t. That's what it means to do the work. I ain't gonna claim that on this subject I'm a full success at it (yet) because assumptions once you let them in can be damn insidious and crop up in the strangest places, but I'm trying. And I know about me that the more evidence I have this is right, the more it will gain the upper hand in my questioning til I treat it as a certainty that he does in fact feel the pull and have similar experiences to my own because the bond pulls the same force on each attachment point, on each of us. Getting there isn't the same as already there, but what matters is seeing the change that needs to happen and working on making it real. The sucky thing about wrong turns is how far it can take you away from where you were trying to go -- but one of the things to always remember is that even though you can take a wrong turn at any point in any life and keep following it as long as you choose, you also have the opportunity in every given moment you're alive to recognize that a wrong turn was made and about face start to fix things to head back in the direction that is right for you and you want to be headed.

Yesterday was a lot of fun and a really lovely girl's day!  I do always enjoy visiting art museums and the Milwaukee Art Museum is one I frequent enough times in a year to be worth having the membership, especially since discovering Art in Bloom. This year's flower arrangements/paintings were gorgeous, but there was nothing quite as stunningly wow moment as last year. But it was still gorgeous and we had an absolutely lovely girl's day at the museum. We randomly ran into Bonnie, or rather she saw me and thought it looked like me then saw my mum and was sure) and had a nice chat catch up. (Bonnie is my first cousin once removed by marriage. She is married to my da's cousin Eric from the Chicago Jewish side of the family; Eric met Bonnie in Madison thought while living with our family working at my parents store trying to figure out what to do with his life and then he met Bonnie who was in pharmacy school at UW Madison at the time before they moved back down to Chicago where his family are and she got a great job offer.) Bonnie was there with her mom and sister-in-law who live in Milwaukee area, apparently it's their girls day tradition as well. It was a bonus unexpected surprise to see her -- the last I saw her was when I went down with my parents and Aunt Linda and Uncle Jeff for Uncle Frank's (my da an dhis siblings uncle) funeral and to sit shiva with Aunt Bobbi (my grandpa's sister) and all the kids/grandkids on that side of the family. It was fun to get to see Bonnie and have catch up and talk about the upcoming Seders (well, they're having their family Seder on Monday night at Laurie's house. But my family isn't holding one; we haven't held a proper Seder since my grandma stopped hosting because even with my help all day it was too exhausting for her to host and then for a couple years we would go to the big community seder hosted by Chabad for those not holding Seder within their own families, but after covid cancelled that we stopped even trying to make family plans for Seder. I try to keep as much as I can of the meal and traditions for myself and I re-read through the Chaggadah that night, but we don't hold it together as a family anymore. Which reminds me I should try to get to the store and pick up some gefilte fish and lemon and a new container of matszh meal since I'm out and one of the many secrets to my personal falafel recipe being the best falafel this side of Jerusalem according to my mum is that I use matzoh meal not flour in it... Also, it's more expensive but always use olive oil never canola or grapessed oil -- if you use any oil except olive oil in making falafel you're doing it wrong.)

After Art in Bloom, My mum, Crissy and i stopped at DSW because both Crissy and I are in need of new shoes (me more than her, I haven't actually bought any new pairs of shoes in over three years at this point and even my newest ones are showing serious signs of wear/breakdown and last couple years I've had multiple pairs of shoes literally break apart while on my feet. No lie.) We both found several pairs and my maman found a new wallet.  We then went next door to the Brookfield Total Wine (our actual mission before noticing it was next door to a DSW) so my maman could buy a bottle of Sexton (a whiskey I introduced her to last fall and one of her lower priced favorites; also one of my favorites, it tastes like Spring if a whiskey can taste of springtime) because the Madison Total Wine no longer carries it (across the board Total Wine has cut back on all their Irish whiskey options and they hide them in the very back of their whiskey aisle, with the Canadian whiskeys beyond even the flavored whiskeys, and anywhere that the head of the whiskey department is a bourbon fan rather than a scotch fan the cutbacks on Irish whiskeys are even more dramatic) and also to check out their seasonal beers section because Brookfield has an amazing selection of beers compared to the Madison Total Wine.  Then, because I had put the idea of prime rib in all of our heads while talking about supper clubs as a Wisconsin tradition, we went to Brothers Three on the way back into town for their prime rib which they are known for. It was so delicious but we all took over half of it home for morning steak and eggs or in my case, dinner tonight. And we have lots of scraps for the dogs, and in my home the cat. (Spock in many ways is as much a dog in a cat body as anything else and is HIGHLY food motivated, especially if it's a food he likes. I had to train him to stay out of the kitchen if he wanted any scraps and the downside of my training method is it means that both cat and dog expect scraps on their own plates as soon as I'm done cooking ready to eat or as soon as I'm done with my own meal to split scraps between them.)

Anyway, I promised a vanity post because my proportions were so ridiculous yesterday after I got dressed so if you missed my face (or my boobs) you're in luck. Here are some sunny morning before leaving town (but post chocolate chips) pictures

(the reason for the funny expression in that last one is because Waffles is a very enthusiastic kisser and if you grin or try to talk while she sneaks a kiss, you're liable to get your teeth or entire mouth dog slobbered by accidental French kiss smooches from the pooch. She is a VERY enthusiastically loving doggo, lol.)

As you can see, absolutely ridiculous Jessica Rabbit body type.... And a very needy loving puppy who just celebrated her one year anniversary of driving across the country with me from my sister's family's home in Seattle area to come be a Wisco doggo. 

My boobs remained ridiculous all day (and I did wear a sweater and scarf most of the day in the museum, except while downstairs in the cafe which was exceedingly warm, warm enough even I wanted to remove layers and I'm habitually cold, lol.

And before the argument that it's a push up bra or anything like that, it wasn't. I tend to find balconette bras the most comfortable for my rib cage, boob size, and the small size of the sternum gap between them (due in part to the small ribcage) so I don't actually own any push up bras and my only lightly padded bras are the strapless/adjustable strap bras because those need the thicker structure to function. And as further proof, this is how the dress fit after I reached the "I am so done with wearing this bra and the way it is currently digging into the space between two ribs and took it off.... (I don't like flopping about everywhere without a bra which is the reality for most women with larger breasts when they go braless and the chance of major side boob or spilling over my tops or nip slips get really high without a bra holding my boobs in place -- but at home I don't tend to put a bra on unless I'm headed out somewhere (even just to take the dog on a walk) or expecting someone might show up or going to do some dance or yoga or exercise) but the bottom of the bra falling into the gap between ribs is a seriously painful all too common thing that happens based on how short waisted, small shoulders, and small ribcaged I am.

(Spock is also very affectionate and gives kisses like he thinks he's a dog, only even at its softest a cat has a sandpaper tongue so his kisses are the reason I made the face in the next picture)

And then before you say it's the wrap dress v neck (that dress, the "top" is just two VERY long strips of cloth attached to the skirt to wrap up and around and cross to tie any way you choose -- and I stopped wearing lower cut shirts especially v necks to shows after a friend of mine took a picture to show me the view from onstage elevation when I wear a v neck when I was wondering why so many musicians toss me picks to try to land in my cleavage; it's why I wear a lot of crew neck band tees more than the more alluring lower cut and v neck shirts.)  So to further illustrate it's not just flattering cuts that emphasize my boobs but just my phenotype, here I am in a very oversized men's cut tee large tee that was my da's in high school and I stole from him when I was a small kid to use as pyjamas (it's super soft but I know its days are limited given it's been around since the late 70s or early 80s or so.)

I just inhabit a body this life with the most ridiculous phenotype genetics could give me that looks like G-d asked a teenage boy super to design me. I recognize it about me and I don't really do much to sell it because somewhere in my 20s I got tired of getting constantly hit on so it was easier to change my personal style from feminine cuts that emphasized my good points to a more tomboyish crewneck band tees and jeans and sweaters vibe. I still wear a lot of skirts and dresses when I can find ones that fit my unusual proportions. And like, as you can see, I'm not severely overweight or anything like that to cause me intermittent body dysmorphia -- I'm just now a size 4 not a size 0/2 with some extra padding in my hourglass that I didn't used to have who only exercises for the joy of movement but can't make herself work out as a have to AND I'm a recovering dancer who can't do as much dance anymore, almost anything that requires me landing on the right leg is now out and that means ballet and Irish dance -- I can still do belly dance, which I took up after fracturing three toes including one big toe after a friend and I accidentally dropping a solid wood liquor cabinet on my foot, but I haven't found a teacher or group of technique driven tribal fusion style that I connect with and like since Ayperi moved away) since minor fracturing my shin bone after accidentally slamming it into a carousel animal and then refracturing it in a spiral break the length of the shin bone doing morning grande pliés in seconde before it was fully healed. (Don't recommend that.) And the thing is I KNOW that when I get like that thinking negative thoughts about myself, all I need to do is do some toning up core work and the dysmorphia won't really have anything to work with, lol. I just have to get up and do it and I'll feel better for it. And by core work, I mostly mean dance exercises, yoga, pilates, or horse back riding -- I've never been and never will be a "sit ups/crunches are fun" person, I'm generally more interested in strength training and toning that is fun movements not repetitive robotic exercise. I should get back into yoga more, but the yoga instructor I liked moved out of town and the last couple times I attended hot yoga, the instructors kept pushing me in a self-competitive way because I could get more flexibility even though I TOLD them "No. I have hypermobile joints and easily dislocate rather than reaching the end of my flexibility -- I am more interested in strengthening and stabilizing  through the healthy full range of motion than pushing this stretch beyond into my hypermobile flexibility range." And why should I pay anybody to pick a fight with me to push me into injury just because I have extra flexibility due to Ehler-Danlos hypermobility and very close to origin muscle insertion points?

Anyway.