I said that I wasn't considering Dave as an option for me so long as he was in a relationship with Diana, same as I wouldn't consider anyone if it involved betraying or lying to another third person. Dating someone else or being in a committed relationship with someone else always makes me remove a person from my dating options....it's how I am. But I don't believe I ever explained why I kept him at such a distance for so long, trying to keep myself out of his options, have I? I had three reasons, and I do think they were solid reasons not rationalizing. I no longer give any of them enough weight to keep me from being an option for him, but that doesn't invalidate them as potential barriers or reasons we wouldn't be good together....
1) The age difference - I'm 6.5 years older than him. While that seemed like a bigger gap when he was 20 and didn't yet know himself or what he wanted for his life, it's still a sizable age gap by most standards. And I didn't know if it would bother him, but honestly I figured he'd have no interest in me with that age gap and would be happier chasing girls his own age and any attraction between us was something he'd stop feeling when he fell in love with someone else closer to his age....
I was disabused of the idea he'd "get over" his desire of me in August at Milwaukee Irishfest. When they had a couple slow dancing to Marry Me Monday onstage before a proposal he'd planned out with the guy, Diana was standing sidestage/backstage desperately trying to get him to look at her while they were still together - and for that entire song/surprise the ONLY thing Dave was looking at was me, memorizing every nuance of reaction that crossed my face... That's not a man who gives a damn about the age difference or is in any way getting over his desire....
2) Dave wears a cross and I am not even the littlest bit Christian, let alone Catholic. I (and any kids I ever have) will be Jewish by birth, witch by blood right, and more than a little pantheist pagan from me raising them... I didn't know if that would be a problem for him or his family - his religious beliefs are between him and The Divine, but a Christian I'll never be nor would I ever take Communion or have a Catholic wedding or anything of the sort... And I don't/didn't know if that matters to him.
The cross was a gift from his mother as a child and he wears it all the time like a charm and as a gift from her - but he has very openly said that while raised Catholic, his religious/spiritual beliefs have evolved since then. And about 3 years ago when he was getting ready to make a move toward me I deliberately very visibly worn my Star of David with the symbols of the 12 tribes in each triangle (the center hexagon makes 6 triangles, plus the 6 points) and told him my family is Jewish and I was born in Israel... And then let him decide what to do with that and how he felt about it. His reaction was to remind me of how we're the same, to continue wanting me, and to become more openly Universalist.
3) The first truth I ever recognized about him, the very first I set eyes on him, was that he had an incredibly deep capacity to love and that like a dog he was intensely loyal and would love whoever he gave his heart to in a way that was complete and lifelong. The second thing was that his capacity to be hurt was as profound and as deep and intense as the way he gives his heart away. And the third thing I realized was that I had an intense aversion to ever causing him hurt or being any part of destroying such a beautiful capacity for love. And all of that I realized during the verse of a song....
And that third thing has always been my biggest reason to try to keep him at a distance. In part because I wanted him to figure himself out and what his heart truly desired so I wouldn't break it by accident, neither of us knowing any better. But more importantly, I didn't trust myself not to make choices to keep me from breaking his heart... Especially not with my heart being so constantly pulled toward Eric. I knew I couldn't let myself break Dave's heart, yet I didn't trust me that if I dated him I'd be able to choose him without my heart being drawn elsewhere. And I decided I refused to date him or even let him ask me, until I could trust myself to choose him wholeheartedly and with the same loyalty that is in his love.
And that has only been something I've trusted myself on since Eric's fuckup in August broke my ability to trust Eric - and Dave was still technically dating Diana, or at least at the end of his relationship with her and it was clear to me (and everyone else) from day 1 of them sleeping together that she intended to hang onto him tenaciously and marry him if she had any say in the matter. And I figured Dave's not wanting to hurt her by ending things was stronger in him than his desire of me.... so I just set aside the fact I could now trust myself to love him the way he deserved so I would not break his heart by my own weaknesses. I accepted it as me having missed my chance with him....
But those were my three reasons to keep him at a distance and remove myself from his dating options regardless of how he felt about me. And over the last 7.5 years, Dave has slowly and systematically chiseled through those reasons and worked hard to remove them as barriers between him and what he seems entirely certain he wants.
Wednesday, May 6, 2020
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
*sigh* Why is it that parents always excuse the way they used you as their scapegoat for losing their temper by saying, "I don't like the tone you used" when anyone outside of them would objectively say there was no tone until the parents started yelling at them for not getting the response they desired. The only "tone" was the word no saying they can't have things the way they want to order them to be. I've seen it happen over and over and over observing parenting with parents who don't control their tempers and lash out on their kids when they can't yell at the person who they're actually angry at and frustrated with.... Parents also get downright verbally abusive against their kids when they use them as a scapegoat for losing their temper and tell them how irresponsible and bad they are and refuse to listen to any defense -- because all they want to do is hurt you because they're stressed out and hurting. And I hate when parents do that, it's wrong and if I ever have kids I hope I never fall into that trap that so many parents fall into for how they treat their kids as their whipping boy when they can't carry any longer their anger/frustration at something else. it's wrong. It's always wrong. And you damage your kids when you do it -- no matter how they learn to cope with them, every time you have ever done that is traumatic on them.
My parents definitely did that tonight. And I know they just needed to release their temper, but it doesn't make it right or okay. And by doing that, they've made me now NOT want to do what I was already planning to do because the way they tried to authoritarian force me to do it makes me not want to reward their bad behavior.
I understand they're stressed and I know the reasons why -- but taking it out by losing your temper on someone else and blaming everyone else isn't how you deal with it. It's not right, it's not fair, dn you shouldn't reward temper tantrums by doing what they demand of you -- no matter whose temper tantrum it is.
The problem is if I don't do what I was already planning to do, my grandma suffers and I don't help her. But if I do it now, my parents will think their bad behavior is what made me do it. And that's a problem. And now I'm stuck in the middle of it and frankly, the way they behaved tonight makes me contrary and not want to do it. You could literally be telling me something for my own good as I'm about to do it but if you lose your temper or think you can order me to do it, I'll cease to want to do it simply because of how you have behaved.....
*sigh*
There's a lot of family drama right now..... And my parents heavy handed ways of "dealing with it" by assuming they know what's best done and trying to ramrod that down other people to do are making things worse -- with everyone not just me. And by freaking out on me like that, they now have made me not even want to call my grandma or help her, let alone do the things I have to do right now for her sake before I lose my windows of opportunity to help her.... And that's a big fucking problem.....
While I was still upset about it, i was going to send a message to Dave to gripe. but I realized it wasn't because I expected him to do anything that would help me right now and I didn't want to lay the entirety of what's been going on (with my grandma, with my Aunt Linda, with my Uncle Steve subplots) to weigh him down with it if he didn't tell me he wanted to know-- I wanted to tell him about me being so upset after that interaction because I wanted to be heard by someone who would care that I hurt rather than to explain it all to him why i was upset and why it happened without him telling me he wanted to help carry all of it.... And I decided that wasn't fair to him, to just emotional dump on him without him saying he wanted to know -- so I decided instead just to thank him for always bringing a smile to me even when I'm upset upset about something else and just leave it there.
I'll get over it. I do every time they do this. But it's what makes me freeze up, remove my emotions because responding emotionally only makes it worse (especially with my mother), and I get cautious and simply tell people, "I don't know what you want to hear but nothing I say will make you happy in this mood unless you tell me what it is you want to hear" when people lash out to hurt others because they're hurting -- it's due to the way my parents behave when they use their kids (typically the eldest) as the scapegoat for their anger/frustration when they can't vent it on the people they're actually mad at..... I rewatched Martin's Mando Monday livestream to recenter me before taking care of my plants I came into work to water. There's something very calming and emotionally soothing about the way Martin speaks and how he interacts with the world, I understand why Dave turns to his brother when he's hurting, and I needed to clear myself of all negativity before I approached the plants to care for them. You should never try to take care of your plants if you have anger or deep sorrow inside you -- they feel it and you'll stunt or kill them if you blast them with your bad inner space. Plants are VERY sensitive to energies.... You only approach them when you're in a positive nurturing inner space.
And I'll figure out which is the worse evil -- letting my parents think they've gotten what they wanted by their display of temper or taking care of my grandma Most likely what will happen is that I'll take care of my grandma because this isn't her fault or any of her doing and I won't punish her for their bad behavior but I'll emotionally distance myself from my parents and as much as possible avoid seeing them in person. I'll never receive an apology form them, they don't apologize when they do this. Not ever. My dad won't care if I retreat from them emotionally as long as I end up doing what he wants me to do and my mom will feel bad about it be hurt at feeling that emotional wall and distance but rather than admit they did something wrong or apologize she'll try to buy me off by doing extra nice things for me while I remain emotionally distant unreachable until she self-justifies that I'm ungrateful of everything she does for me because she's upset that she can't reach my affection and love by demanding it or ordering me around or lashing out at me when she's angry at someone/something else.
That's how it typically goes. And why I have no patience for people who refuse to acknowledge when they hurt other people, refuse to try to make right the ACTUAL wrong they've done and why I have no patience with people who will lash out at others if they can't reach whoever they're actually angry with and don't get their way and rationalize their behavior after the fact. I have no desire for any of those behaviors in my life -- all it will do is make me shut you out from you being able to reach my heart or touch my emotions at all.... It doesn't matter your relationship to me, you'll alienate me so i won't let you in where you can hurt me by behaving that way. Always.
My parents definitely did that tonight. And I know they just needed to release their temper, but it doesn't make it right or okay. And by doing that, they've made me now NOT want to do what I was already planning to do because the way they tried to authoritarian force me to do it makes me not want to reward their bad behavior.
I understand they're stressed and I know the reasons why -- but taking it out by losing your temper on someone else and blaming everyone else isn't how you deal with it. It's not right, it's not fair, dn you shouldn't reward temper tantrums by doing what they demand of you -- no matter whose temper tantrum it is.
The problem is if I don't do what I was already planning to do, my grandma suffers and I don't help her. But if I do it now, my parents will think their bad behavior is what made me do it. And that's a problem. And now I'm stuck in the middle of it and frankly, the way they behaved tonight makes me contrary and not want to do it. You could literally be telling me something for my own good as I'm about to do it but if you lose your temper or think you can order me to do it, I'll cease to want to do it simply because of how you have behaved.....
*sigh*
There's a lot of family drama right now..... And my parents heavy handed ways of "dealing with it" by assuming they know what's best done and trying to ramrod that down other people to do are making things worse -- with everyone not just me. And by freaking out on me like that, they now have made me not even want to call my grandma or help her, let alone do the things I have to do right now for her sake before I lose my windows of opportunity to help her.... And that's a big fucking problem.....
While I was still upset about it, i was going to send a message to Dave to gripe. but I realized it wasn't because I expected him to do anything that would help me right now and I didn't want to lay the entirety of what's been going on (with my grandma, with my Aunt Linda, with my Uncle Steve subplots) to weigh him down with it if he didn't tell me he wanted to know-- I wanted to tell him about me being so upset after that interaction because I wanted to be heard by someone who would care that I hurt rather than to explain it all to him why i was upset and why it happened without him telling me he wanted to help carry all of it.... And I decided that wasn't fair to him, to just emotional dump on him without him saying he wanted to know -- so I decided instead just to thank him for always bringing a smile to me even when I'm upset upset about something else and just leave it there.
I'll get over it. I do every time they do this. But it's what makes me freeze up, remove my emotions because responding emotionally only makes it worse (especially with my mother), and I get cautious and simply tell people, "I don't know what you want to hear but nothing I say will make you happy in this mood unless you tell me what it is you want to hear" when people lash out to hurt others because they're hurting -- it's due to the way my parents behave when they use their kids (typically the eldest) as the scapegoat for their anger/frustration when they can't vent it on the people they're actually mad at..... I rewatched Martin's Mando Monday livestream to recenter me before taking care of my plants I came into work to water. There's something very calming and emotionally soothing about the way Martin speaks and how he interacts with the world, I understand why Dave turns to his brother when he's hurting, and I needed to clear myself of all negativity before I approached the plants to care for them. You should never try to take care of your plants if you have anger or deep sorrow inside you -- they feel it and you'll stunt or kill them if you blast them with your bad inner space. Plants are VERY sensitive to energies.... You only approach them when you're in a positive nurturing inner space.
And I'll figure out which is the worse evil -- letting my parents think they've gotten what they wanted by their display of temper or taking care of my grandma Most likely what will happen is that I'll take care of my grandma because this isn't her fault or any of her doing and I won't punish her for their bad behavior but I'll emotionally distance myself from my parents and as much as possible avoid seeing them in person. I'll never receive an apology form them, they don't apologize when they do this. Not ever. My dad won't care if I retreat from them emotionally as long as I end up doing what he wants me to do and my mom will feel bad about it be hurt at feeling that emotional wall and distance but rather than admit they did something wrong or apologize she'll try to buy me off by doing extra nice things for me while I remain emotionally distant unreachable until she self-justifies that I'm ungrateful of everything she does for me because she's upset that she can't reach my affection and love by demanding it or ordering me around or lashing out at me when she's angry at someone/something else.
That's how it typically goes. And why I have no patience for people who refuse to acknowledge when they hurt other people, refuse to try to make right the ACTUAL wrong they've done and why I have no patience with people who will lash out at others if they can't reach whoever they're actually angry with and don't get their way and rationalize their behavior after the fact. I have no desire for any of those behaviors in my life -- all it will do is make me shut you out from you being able to reach my heart or touch my emotions at all.... It doesn't matter your relationship to me, you'll alienate me so i won't let you in where you can hurt me by behaving that way. Always.
Sunday, May 3, 2020
I've written a lot about why I need to let Eric go, but the truth is that's me putting into words the emotions that I've already processed, it's what all I had processed 6-10 months ago. It's not where I am now. I just have wanted to explain because I can feel his hurting inside over it. And that's a disservice, makes it seem like I'm still processing when I'm not.
The fullest truth is, I started distancing myself from Eric internally the first time when he was dating the scorpion chick in Raleigh because her energy was BAD so I didn't want it to have a conduit into me and I certainly didn't want the overlays from him of all his strong emotion moments. and then I made myself do the hardest part of letting go and saying my internal goodbyes, "I hope you find the happiness you're seeking on the path you've chosen" beginning on the DAY he signed the contract with Big Machine because I couldn't stay with the trying to sell out to country radio as any part of the band's esse. And when his sister blocked me on her own account and the next day I was blocked on the band's Instagram account in October 2018? My response was just to shove him out and quiet the connection and distance myself as far as possible because I refused to put him in the middle of his sister's bullshit since that wouldn't be fair for him. And it stayed that way til I decided it was unfair to him to punish him over something done in his name that he may know nothing about. So I came back to him Spring of 2019 specifically so he could know about me getting blocked and decide what he'd do with that knowledge.
Eric's choice in August 2019 was the last straw, not the entirety of the load I was bearing about making myself accept letting him go and the necessity of weakening the bond rather than strengthening it. I've had very little but hurt from my connection to Eric for so long and have been working so long on letting him go and recognizing the necessity of our paths separating that I don't even remember what Eric making me happy would even look like anymore...it's been so long since he and his sister and their band have been anything but a source of sorrow and hurt to me. There's still healing I need to do from the hurts of it, especially before I can let Delta Rae's music back into my life and my emotional response system. Precogging hurt and warning somebody how it can be avoided and them doing it anyway won't take the sting out of their choices or heal the hurting that follows cause and effect -- the precogs just start the hurting and processing earlier and give you the chance to try to fight it knowing you'll likely still lose anyway.....
I can't say I like it, but I have accepted it. The time for changing the course and healing with Eric was last fall, or better yet in Nov of 2018 -- and it would have been so easy to do then.... Now it's processed and accepted and there's only the cleanup of the consequences of the choices that were and weren't made But it's rare for me to even think about him or them at this point -- that's why it was 2 weeks or more without me writing anything, just enjoying how much Dave was throwing at me and into trying to turn my head in his direction.
But explaining how we got to here isn't really telling you about the current state of my heart. And the current state of my heart is full of love and hope - and these hurts that I can finally put fully into words are not a part of any of that.
Where I am emotionally at is pretty well and truly comfortably decided that as long as David does actually want me he's what I want for myself this life. I'm very emotionally clear and happy and excited and feeling like good things are just around the corner on this.
There is no doubt and no question in my mind that I am consciously choosing Dave and I'm happy with that choice and that it's what is in the best interest of my own heart and soul and my path of growth and healing at this point -- and that even if Eric were to try to make himself an option again, I wouldn't want him while I could be with Dave because I love Dave, wouldn't ever want to hurt him, and I can't trust based on my experiences that Eric wouldn't hurt me. Especially Eric under the influence of his sister. And the truth is that I wouldn't choose Eric being in my life in any capacity at this point without being able to trust that. This isn't settling or second best or any such thing, this is my honest choice based on who both men have chosen to be in the time they have been in my life this life and what they have done by me when I trusted them enough to let them in my heart. If I could have either right now, I'd still choose Dave based on everything I've observed and all the choices both of them have made and how they make me feel and have treated me.
I know that I light up inside and start grinning every time I see Dave or think about him or hear from him. I know I miss him every time I don't see him or hear from him, even if he's happy and doing well and busy, I just miss him and the joy he brings me when I do get to see him or anything from him. I know that there is NOBODY else I have ever had the intense internal response, "I don't want to break your heart and as long as I might, you're better off me keeping you at a distance ." I know that when i think of people I don't mind knowing about my weakness(es) or my hurt or what I'm worrying about internally, Dave is right at the top of the list. I know that when I think of people who make me feel safe and loved and who I have no problem turning to for comfort and getting it, Dave is again at the very top of that list. And I've learned over the last year or two that the way he lights up and the joy I always associate with him isn't his all the time thing -- it's how he is when I'm there and I see him.
On my bad overthinking pessimistic days, I genuinely question why he'd want me, I secondguess and think all the hints and things he keeps saying and doing must be about wanting Diana back or about some other girl. And that makes me think I should back off, stop being so enthusiastic positive in my responses and just be happy for him to have the happiness he seeks wherever he finds it. But except when I get low like that, I KNOW that that's not where his heart or head are at and that he's quite certain about what he wants and that I'm it for him. And I know that he does need the positivity and encouragement from me to allay his own self doubts and crises of self-confidence.
On May 1, the band released this cover for "It's Gonna Be May" day. and it was Dave's brain child and project and his editing choices. It makes me ridiculously happy and I keep getting it stuck in my head -- as in it's been in my head quite constantly pretty much every moment of the day for the last several days. (And his midnight post and countdown to the 10am sharing it was fucking adorable. He was so excited and giddy and happy.)
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/5i6MsMYrRTU" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
You don't want to know how many times I've rewatched this over the last several days because it's been stuck in my head so constantly and watching it makes me grin.
So I may be writing out here what I processed, but it's not the current state of my heart. I've accepted that letting go is the best thing for me to do at this time and other than when Eric's hurting/sorrow overwhelms my walls, I don't hear him and he doesn't hear me or reach me at all anymore. And I don't miss the hurting inside me and open wound he was inside me for so long. I want something good and true and overflowing with light and love - and that's not what Eric is for me now due to his choices these recent years.
As for Dave... Oh he makes me so giddy and happy right now and I'm ready to embrace that joy and comfort and healing he is for me. And outside of my crises of doubts that maybe I'm setting myself up for heartache and that's not how he thinks of me at all or what he wants, I'm just really happy and hopeful and the direction that is moving has me lifted above everything else going on in this moment of history. He brings me light and joy and comfort and love and I've decided to lean into that as what I want more of in my life.
If I close my eyes and think of whose arms I want to feel around me, especially when I'm upset, the answer at this point of this life is Dave. he comforts me and there is no hurting there -- the closest thing to hurting is if/when one or the other of us doubts the other wants us. And that's not really hurting, that's just self doubt and lacking confidence in yourself because you can't see the evidence right in front of your face that everyone else sees. So no hurt in me from Dave. Not in this life. there's only love. And that's what I'm choosing. To love where I am loved, well and truly loved as I am on my best and worst moments. And where I'm listened to and my own emotions considered and taken into account in his choices/actions. And for this life and where I'm at right now, that's enough and more than enough.
The fullest truth is, I started distancing myself from Eric internally the first time when he was dating the scorpion chick in Raleigh because her energy was BAD so I didn't want it to have a conduit into me and I certainly didn't want the overlays from him of all his strong emotion moments. and then I made myself do the hardest part of letting go and saying my internal goodbyes, "I hope you find the happiness you're seeking on the path you've chosen" beginning on the DAY he signed the contract with Big Machine because I couldn't stay with the trying to sell out to country radio as any part of the band's esse. And when his sister blocked me on her own account and the next day I was blocked on the band's Instagram account in October 2018? My response was just to shove him out and quiet the connection and distance myself as far as possible because I refused to put him in the middle of his sister's bullshit since that wouldn't be fair for him. And it stayed that way til I decided it was unfair to him to punish him over something done in his name that he may know nothing about. So I came back to him Spring of 2019 specifically so he could know about me getting blocked and decide what he'd do with that knowledge.
Eric's choice in August 2019 was the last straw, not the entirety of the load I was bearing about making myself accept letting him go and the necessity of weakening the bond rather than strengthening it. I've had very little but hurt from my connection to Eric for so long and have been working so long on letting him go and recognizing the necessity of our paths separating that I don't even remember what Eric making me happy would even look like anymore...it's been so long since he and his sister and their band have been anything but a source of sorrow and hurt to me. There's still healing I need to do from the hurts of it, especially before I can let Delta Rae's music back into my life and my emotional response system. Precogging hurt and warning somebody how it can be avoided and them doing it anyway won't take the sting out of their choices or heal the hurting that follows cause and effect -- the precogs just start the hurting and processing earlier and give you the chance to try to fight it knowing you'll likely still lose anyway.....
I can't say I like it, but I have accepted it. The time for changing the course and healing with Eric was last fall, or better yet in Nov of 2018 -- and it would have been so easy to do then.... Now it's processed and accepted and there's only the cleanup of the consequences of the choices that were and weren't made But it's rare for me to even think about him or them at this point -- that's why it was 2 weeks or more without me writing anything, just enjoying how much Dave was throwing at me and into trying to turn my head in his direction.
But explaining how we got to here isn't really telling you about the current state of my heart. And the current state of my heart is full of love and hope - and these hurts that I can finally put fully into words are not a part of any of that.
Where I am emotionally at is pretty well and truly comfortably decided that as long as David does actually want me he's what I want for myself this life. I'm very emotionally clear and happy and excited and feeling like good things are just around the corner on this.
There is no doubt and no question in my mind that I am consciously choosing Dave and I'm happy with that choice and that it's what is in the best interest of my own heart and soul and my path of growth and healing at this point -- and that even if Eric were to try to make himself an option again, I wouldn't want him while I could be with Dave because I love Dave, wouldn't ever want to hurt him, and I can't trust based on my experiences that Eric wouldn't hurt me. Especially Eric under the influence of his sister. And the truth is that I wouldn't choose Eric being in my life in any capacity at this point without being able to trust that. This isn't settling or second best or any such thing, this is my honest choice based on who both men have chosen to be in the time they have been in my life this life and what they have done by me when I trusted them enough to let them in my heart. If I could have either right now, I'd still choose Dave based on everything I've observed and all the choices both of them have made and how they make me feel and have treated me.
I know that I light up inside and start grinning every time I see Dave or think about him or hear from him. I know I miss him every time I don't see him or hear from him, even if he's happy and doing well and busy, I just miss him and the joy he brings me when I do get to see him or anything from him. I know that there is NOBODY else I have ever had the intense internal response, "I don't want to break your heart and as long as I might, you're better off me keeping you at a distance ." I know that when i think of people I don't mind knowing about my weakness(es) or my hurt or what I'm worrying about internally, Dave is right at the top of the list. I know that when I think of people who make me feel safe and loved and who I have no problem turning to for comfort and getting it, Dave is again at the very top of that list. And I've learned over the last year or two that the way he lights up and the joy I always associate with him isn't his all the time thing -- it's how he is when I'm there and I see him.
On my bad overthinking pessimistic days, I genuinely question why he'd want me, I secondguess and think all the hints and things he keeps saying and doing must be about wanting Diana back or about some other girl. And that makes me think I should back off, stop being so enthusiastic positive in my responses and just be happy for him to have the happiness he seeks wherever he finds it. But except when I get low like that, I KNOW that that's not where his heart or head are at and that he's quite certain about what he wants and that I'm it for him. And I know that he does need the positivity and encouragement from me to allay his own self doubts and crises of self-confidence.
On May 1, the band released this cover for "It's Gonna Be May" day. and it was Dave's brain child and project and his editing choices. It makes me ridiculously happy and I keep getting it stuck in my head -- as in it's been in my head quite constantly pretty much every moment of the day for the last several days. (And his midnight post and countdown to the 10am sharing it was fucking adorable. He was so excited and giddy and happy.)
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/5i6MsMYrRTU" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
You don't want to know how many times I've rewatched this over the last several days because it's been stuck in my head so constantly and watching it makes me grin.
So I may be writing out here what I processed, but it's not the current state of my heart. I've accepted that letting go is the best thing for me to do at this time and other than when Eric's hurting/sorrow overwhelms my walls, I don't hear him and he doesn't hear me or reach me at all anymore. And I don't miss the hurting inside me and open wound he was inside me for so long. I want something good and true and overflowing with light and love - and that's not what Eric is for me now due to his choices these recent years.
As for Dave... Oh he makes me so giddy and happy right now and I'm ready to embrace that joy and comfort and healing he is for me. And outside of my crises of doubts that maybe I'm setting myself up for heartache and that's not how he thinks of me at all or what he wants, I'm just really happy and hopeful and the direction that is moving has me lifted above everything else going on in this moment of history. He brings me light and joy and comfort and love and I've decided to lean into that as what I want more of in my life.
If I close my eyes and think of whose arms I want to feel around me, especially when I'm upset, the answer at this point of this life is Dave. he comforts me and there is no hurting there -- the closest thing to hurting is if/when one or the other of us doubts the other wants us. And that's not really hurting, that's just self doubt and lacking confidence in yourself because you can't see the evidence right in front of your face that everyone else sees. So no hurt in me from Dave. Not in this life. there's only love. And that's what I'm choosing. To love where I am loved, well and truly loved as I am on my best and worst moments. And where I'm listened to and my own emotions considered and taken into account in his choices/actions. And for this life and where I'm at right now, that's enough and more than enough.
Friday, May 1, 2020
Nothing like family drama heaped upon family drama on Beltane.... 😂 Ahhh well, I did what I had to do to smooth things over and spin them brighter and best. A Dani always shows up precisely when she's meant to.
And everything is so much brighter and better now for me having been there and doing what I did!! And now I have gardening to do in my bright blue with yellow print half sunflower "Turn Toward The Love" We Banjo 3 shirt until it's Moscow Mule o'clock at work. 😘
I did good (and well) and now I'm gonna go play in the dirt and then make tasty cocktails at work! 😁
And everything is so much brighter and better now for me having been there and doing what I did!! And now I have gardening to do in my bright blue with yellow print half sunflower "Turn Toward The Love" We Banjo 3 shirt until it's Moscow Mule o'clock at work. 😘
I did good (and well) and now I'm gonna go play in the dirt and then make tasty cocktails at work! 😁
Thursday, April 30, 2020
For what it's worth, it would have worked you know, just exactly as Eric had planned it all and intended it, if not for the way he handled being told about me having been blocked on the band Instagram account the day after Brittany blocked me on her personal account, in both cases for having been honest that the country music was causing me enough physical neurological pain due to my color-timbre synesthesia that it would keep me from attending further Delta Rae shows and that because of me having been blocked on the band account going live on the band Instagram account exclusively was unfair and ostracism to fans who'd been blocked for nothing more than being honest.
Everything else he did, EVERYTHING else, was exactly right. It's why even after me ceasing to go to shows or listen to the "trying to be country" sound they were guilty of pursuing while they were on Big Machine, I came back to the band, despite having been blocked in October for my honesty about hating the country music decision, once they were independent just exactly the same as I had been before that detour. It's why all through that June, July and early August everything was right on track even if neither of the girls could really reach me connect with me due to the boundaries THEY imposed in blocking me on their personal accounts for being honest that the country music was a problem that would make me stop listening to the band. It's why everything was going right for him up until he ignored me telling him, "this is wrong and unfair, please don't do that this way without making it ethically right." and in his choice of ignoring that he shattered my trust in him caring about ethics or whether he caused hurt by his own actions -- and it's that broken trust in Eric which created all the poisons that are why I had to go. That choice, that action, and the inaction of doing nothing to make it right after the fact or help with the hurting of it, that's what hurt me so bad I realized I couldn't heal it on my own without letting him go from my life path for as long as it would take to heal up this hurt and keep it from being repeated in the future.
Because you see, there are 3 ways you can deal with hurting someone, and only 3. And it depends on how deep you want that hurt to go and how alone you want to leave them in processing the pain into healing.
1) You can acknowledge the pain you caused, acknowledge if you didn't intend it, and apologize. And then you can be there to help heal their hurting. This is the easiest path and the path of greatest empathy and compassion and sharing the pain to make it less on each of you..
2) You can ignore it and deny you did something hurtful to another soul. And then you leave them with their hurt unhealed but you haven't added further pain on top of the original hurt. This is the path of avoidance and cowardice and it leaves all the hurt for the other person to heal on their own.
3) You can ignore/deny the wrong and continue repeating it. This heaps further pain and hurt on the original pain you created until the weight of all that pain breaks the other person or breaks the relationship between you. This is the hardest path -- and it's the one that requires leaving the situation to heal it slowly and painfully by yourself and know that you can't come back as long as the old patterns keep repeating.
And that's why having chosen the third path for how Eric was going to deal with being told that him using the band Instagram account from which fans had been blocked for being honest about the country music, I was left with only that 3rd hardest path for how to deal with the pain of shattered trust and how poisonous that is to love.
But if I'd never been blocked on the band account or if he'd chosen the first path and dealt with the wrong that had been done NOT by him but that rippled to affect him and all the members of the band in whose name it was done. If instead he had chosen to help heal it, then I would have shown up happy and full of light and love to the November shows in Ann Arbor, Chicago, and Minneapolis and the connection would have been strengthened rather than me being in my process of saying goodbye letting go. And I'd still have kept Dave at a distance, especially while he was in a relationship with Diana. And in the pre-release of songs and all the tarot cards tied into it, all of it would have enchanted me and I would have excitedly shared each and every one of them in a state of complete giddiness. And I'd have spent the last little over a month listening to The Light on repeat and it would have made me so incredibly happy and drawn me in closer......
Because everything done in the choices made in the creation of The Light itself was done right. That wasn't where or how it broke. It was a different choice, a different set of choices, that have brought us down this path instead of that other......
And the thing is. One of the hardest lessons to be learned, in any life and across all lives, is that you can't make choices for other people. You have to accept their choices as what they chose, even if you can see how much better it would be for them and everyone else if they could just choose differently.... But you can't force that. because, free will, the choices the individual makes, that's HOW the karmic paths are made and how we learn the lessons our soul needs for its journey. It's all about choice, all about the choices a person makes. You can tell them the consequences of their choices, you can try to make them see, but ultimately each of us must rise or fall by our own individual choices.
And you can break your heart over some choices, but you have to allow those choices are theirs to make and all you can do is move on from the moment that their choice has shifted the path and the fatelines.....
All of it, all of it comes down to free will and choice.
And I can no more change the choices he made in not acknowledging that hurt and wrong the band is guilty of and instead choosing to take part in it himself and then continue to repeat it than I can change anyone's choices ever. Do I WISH he had acknowledged it, dealt with it, fixed it, and helped heal it instead of making it worse? Yes. yes of course I wish that. But that's not the choice he made, so that's not the path we're on. And wishing it was isn't going to help me deal with the path we have now.
This is the path I have to walk based on past choices, so this is the one I'm going to focus on. And on this one, I still haven't listened to The Light nor have I seen anything from Delta Rae or any member of it since they went live on their instagram for the release of the album on March 20 -- and I won't until I have purged out all these poisons from the shattered trust so there is only a pure place of love inside me for me to accept the gift that The Light was created to be.
Does that mean we have a fate line that we're stuck in where we'll never see each other again in this life and that one choice has ruined everything forever and ever and that was the only chance to end up on the path(s) we wish we were on? No. It just means that an easier path to get there sooner isn't open to either of us at this time. We still have present and future choices to make. You have to start with the moment of the path you're on -- but your choices now and in the future can determine how long or short the time you walk through the hardest parts of it or how you use the path(s) you wish you were on to guide your choices to bring you back into alignment to reach those paths....
It's all about choices. That's how you create your own karmic paths. Once you realize that, you can hack your path to take it where you want, knuckle down to learn whatever lessons it is you NEED to learn, and finally get yourself to the karmic path you desire for yourself.
And anyway, precogs are all just flashes of what is going to happen ONCE a choice has been made. So I have no precogs of the choices not yet made nor of exactly where/how the paths will take us. Even though I'm one of the strongest prophetess precogs I've ever encountered, there's nothing I can see til the choices are made that determine which path we go down. I can't see anything except the paths to choose between until the choice(s) are made. It's the difference between a contingent precog and an immutable precog. Contingent ones are me seeing future paths that choices can still change -- the immutable ones are the ones where all the things that will bring us to it have happened and nothing can change the course that those choices have created....
So I can tell you that the choices made have taken us down this path to where we are. But my precog abilities don't tell me how long Dave and I will be good together (though I have always known from the moment our paths crossed again in this life that I don't want to break his heart because it isn't mine to break given the karma that binds us; which is why I kept me from his options so long as I felt I'd run to Eric if he were an option for me, even if I chose to be with Dave and I'd do it even knowing how it would hurt Dave terribly by doing so -- I've only ever considered Dave in a scenario where Eric has been entirely removed from my options by Eric's choices and the consequences thereof), how long Eric's wandering will take for him to learn what he needs to learn so he won't repeat this mistake, how long it will take for me to heal up this hurt from the past choices, or when our paths will come back together how long it will take.
There's only so much I can see. And I can't see THE path til the choices are made that will determine it, I can see the infinite number of paths that are open which it could go down depending on the choices to be made. And I can warn people, "pay attention to these choices because they MATTER and the consequences are dire if you don't" or I can nudge to try to achieve "better" paths created by better choices and easier lessons and more fulfillment and more joy -- but I can't make those choices in the clutch. I can only make my own choices on the path I'm on.
But for now, the path we're on is Eric chose the 3rd response after having been told about why going live on the band's Instagram account was hurtful and ethically wrong, so I had to let him go to heal the poisons of that shattered trust once I was left to have to deal with it on my own recognizing he was only going to continue making it worse and worse so long as I stayed. It's the path where Dave has made his choices and realizations since early October that I'm what he chooses at the same time that the biggest obstacle to him achieving that with me has now been removed from Dave's path - and now he's pursuing it wholeheartedly tenaciously full of hope and light and I'm choosing to find the joy and light that he always gives me and heal myself somewhere that has been an option for me since 2012... Dave is a Taurus sun with a Leo moon, once he's set his heart on something and made up his mind, he's not the sort to allow himself to make mistakes or get distracted until he achieves it.
I genuinely don't know how long or how good what there is between me and Dave will be in this life -- but I know for right now he lightens my heart makes me smile every time I see him/think about him and I love how kind and compassionate he is, how deeply he cares and how completely he loves. Also, he makes my heart light up and he constantly makes me laugh. And all of those things are things he does that nobody else does for me right now. I'm weirdly picky about who I date despite always having options and I'm fine with being alone -- I've never installed any dating apps or even signed up for any form of online dating. You have to earn my admiration for me to even consider you because I'd rather be alone than waste my time with someone who doesn't add to my happiness by having them in my life. (I also do know who Dave's soul was to me in the past though -- he's the bishop/judge condemned me to burn as a witch about 500 years ago though he did his best to be fair and just with me by the standards he had at the time, but I'm also the witch who got pissed off and cursed him to stay even if he must remain a ghost til he saw everything he had believed turned to ash and saw me a sainted heroine. And I'm also the one who released him to return to the cycle of souls when he stayed stuck as a ghost longer than I had intended and i came across him and felt bad because I hadn't even given a thought for 300 years except that he'd moved on somehow.... Those three events comprise the entire karmic link between Dave and me. We each did the other wrong, I did what I could to fix the wrong I did him, but he has yet to give me his gratitude, right the wrong he did me, feel my forgiveness and know he can be loved for who he chooses to be NOW despite what our past selves have done.) I know that for NOW he wants me and he's been steadfast that he's in love with me since he first set eyes on me, even when he's dated other women. But how well we actually complement each other and what we may build together in this life? That is unknown to me. It all depends on if he's in love with ME or if he's in love with his IDEA of me and how well he can handle the intensity of truths of who/what I am in this life and how it can be as frustrating and scary as it is surprising and joyous.
I genuinely don't know if somewhere past whatever I build with Dave in this life, there will still be life enough in this life that Eric and I will be at a point of healing where I can give him another chance with my trust and my love no longer poisoned by the broken trust and he'll have learned not to keep making the mistakes of his past. I can't promise that hope, but I can't destroy it either. there are too many variables still for me to know that....
The choices for me to know that haven't been made yet......
I can see them in the infinite of possible paths this moment can bring us to -- but I can't say with any certainty it WILL be the one we walk. not til the choices have been made that will determine which of the paths we walk.
I do know that in the scheme of all my lives, Eric's soul and mine are tied in an old enduring karmic bond of the type that can never actually be severed -- not by either of us and not by anyone or anything external. even if we've both had a lot of wandering away from each other along our karmic paths, still the bond between us is beyond any severing. You can try to deny it but the pull will still be there, you can try to drown it out or get an unincarnated powerful being to mute it so all the noise and pull of it won't reach you andit's not so insistently loud, you can decide to pursue someone else but you'll always feel the undertow of that pull no matter how wonderful the other person is, and you can accept that the pull is there but you can't follow it to ease that tension of wanting -- but it can't be severed while we're here incarnating. Which is why it always pulls, why it hurts so deep when we do each other wrong -- but also why there's always the opportunity of healing by returning to each other, even if that will take some time to get to it. He and I will always find our way back to each other and always feel pulled toward each other -- no matter what either (or both) of us have to learn or heal that keeps us apart for a time. Which is why I know that I have to heal this and I will heal this and I'd just as soon get the healing done as quickly but thoroughly as I can -- even if I need to heal it all on my own without any help from him and he'll have to heal what in him caused this so as not to repeat it. But I also know it will happen, it will be healed, at some point and at that point it will be like when you get two powerful magnets and there's nothing in the Universe that can stop our souls from seeking to find each other again. I just don't know the when -. but I do know what we both have to do to get there.
The karmic connection with Dave is only about 500 years old -- which sounds old to a young soul but it's not really in terms of how old my soul is and we only crossed in two of my lives before this and one of his. But there's a lot of reasons the karmic link is SO strong there because of how it was forged between us. And the karmic link genuinely, is one that may not stand beyond a life wherein we give each other forgiveness and the warmth of unconditional love where we both are givers to heal each other's hurts. It could be that by completing that karmic circle, it ends future karmic bonds between us other than a well wishing or one to be sought out in times we need healing or if he needs a teacher/guru to guide him on his paths and chooses me. But this isn't like the bond with Eric that across all our lives drives and pulls us to try to reach each other. My karmic bond with Dave IS strong, but it's not the same sort and when the karma is all worked out, there's no guarantee our life paths will ever cross again in the future unless he decides to seek his own self-actualization on a path where I become his teacher/guru. This right now in this life is a reward but also about healing and releasing our old karma so he can continue his soul's progress on his own karmic journey.
as for my karmic ties with brittany....she's made her own bed. She is no longer one of my students and the Goddess has actually forbidden me to intercede with The Goddess on britt's behalf from now unto eternity moving forward and after this life ends, britt's soul will have its ability to control or use the gifts she learned from the Goddess' path stripped from her and she will never again be born with them because she has shown by her choices that she cannot be trusted with the responsibility they represent. the Goddess is pissed af at Britt over her choices and actions towards me and The Goddess never forgives, never forgets, and she refuses to listen to me, her highest Priestess still on this plane incarnating, on the issue of britt.... That was a bad enemy to make girl.... Beyond this life and her being Eric's sister within this life, britt and I have no further karmic links now that me as her teacher is severed after her rejecting me 3 times in this life and The Goddess removing those chains we'd chosen in the past. She is no longer any concern of mine nor do either of us owe each other anything at all nor may I intercede on her behalf with the Goddess -- the Goddess told me straight out she will not listen to me on the issue of brittany's soul and her karmic journey due to britt's own choices regarding me.
But, the answer is, that in complete honesty.... if Eric had chosen differently in August and chosen the 1st path for how to deal with that wrong, then we'd be down completely different fate lines. We'd still have a global pandemic and a time of forced introspection and inner work for everyone who has been evading it by focusing on external measures of productivity/achievement. But all of our personal fate lines would be COMPLETELY different dependent on Eric's choice back in August. And that's just the simple truth of it.... I dunno if that would have been better or not because the flaw in Eric that he needs to heal to avoid making the same mistake in the future would still be there and could have caused us both even greater hurt down the line if left undealt with and him not facing the inner work and lessons he needs to learn there...... It's possible that in a cosmic sense, him making that 3rd choice is actually the best path for all of us and what we each need to learn and it sets the possibility of a foundation without that major crack in it for Eric and me at some point in the future after he's learned the lesson he's been avoiding. So he will not keep repeating this choice.....
I don't know while I'm incarnated. Incarnating creates certain limits of perception and ties you to this plane in ways you aren't while unincarnated or while between incarnations.... And the knowledge of what is the "best" of the fate lines in a cosmic healing and self-actualizing sense is part of what you lose except in bits and pieces where for a moment you can feel the rightness of a given choice or path or moment.....
But anyway, yes you'd have achieved what you hoped for with The Light if you'd chosen the easier path and you'd still have me instead of me letting you go and turning elsewhere for comfort while I heal up from that shattered trust of picking the third way to deal with it and the hurt it caused..... But as I said, maybe leaving this flaw inside you that needs to be healed and your lessons learned and trying to build on that broken a foundation would have just caused us both even greater hurt and loss in this lifetime which is now avoided and the flaw brought to light so it can be healed and the lessons learned not to keep repeating the same karmic choices and mistakes of the unlearned lesson.
And none of that decides which of the future fate lines we end up on. You still have the opportunity to choose which path you'll take to get to your fate line -- as do I and as does Dave.
Where we are in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years..... That's far too many choices none of us have yet made for me to see which fate line WILL be. All I can see from right here in this moment are the infinite multiplicity of fate lines that MAY be for all of us. And they're a fucking tangled mess because ALL fate lines are a tangled mess and I literally peek at mine before I decide IF I'm going to the grocery store or when I'm going or WHEN I'm going to take my dog on our morning walk..... I mean, being a precog with the death sight does make it easier to avoid long interactions and paths where I can see me dying or infecting people I love with the disease. that's a gift most don't have. But the death sight also makes being around people or even watching live streams or the news hard -- because it means I can see once a person is infected and their life has less than 2 weeks remaining as their light dims to be snuffed out. Sometimes I'll see an inner light flickering with the death sight, means that it WILL be snuffed out if the choices aren't made to prevent that snuffing out. And I've won some of those battles and lost some of them when the light flickers but isn't yet dimming down to death. Death sight is weird, y'know?
I've said it before and I'll never lie about it -- I'm incredibly fucking weird. Weird enough to be considered wyrd. And I have far more strong spiritual/psychic gifts than anyone else you will ever encounter, in any life. And they are a responsibility as well as a gift. And I only seek to be loved or hated in this life by being painfully honest about exactly who and what I am and what my character and nature IS. And also.... the gifts.... There IS a genetic component to a body's innate ability to be able to harness gifts -- but the soul that chooses that body has to be able to awaken or control them as well. So any/all kids I have would have the possibility of the gifts in their genetics and the phenotype of how that manifests -- but it would entirely depend on what gifts had been previously learned by that soul that chose to be born into the karmic paths that a life I create would open as opportunities for that soul's journeys.... Which is why gifts can lay dormant in a family line for generations then suddenly you have someone who has all the gifts awakened and expressing from a very young age with no training in the current life....
Everything else he did, EVERYTHING else, was exactly right. It's why even after me ceasing to go to shows or listen to the "trying to be country" sound they were guilty of pursuing while they were on Big Machine, I came back to the band, despite having been blocked in October for my honesty about hating the country music decision, once they were independent just exactly the same as I had been before that detour. It's why all through that June, July and early August everything was right on track even if neither of the girls could really reach me connect with me due to the boundaries THEY imposed in blocking me on their personal accounts for being honest that the country music was a problem that would make me stop listening to the band. It's why everything was going right for him up until he ignored me telling him, "this is wrong and unfair, please don't do that this way without making it ethically right." and in his choice of ignoring that he shattered my trust in him caring about ethics or whether he caused hurt by his own actions -- and it's that broken trust in Eric which created all the poisons that are why I had to go. That choice, that action, and the inaction of doing nothing to make it right after the fact or help with the hurting of it, that's what hurt me so bad I realized I couldn't heal it on my own without letting him go from my life path for as long as it would take to heal up this hurt and keep it from being repeated in the future.
Because you see, there are 3 ways you can deal with hurting someone, and only 3. And it depends on how deep you want that hurt to go and how alone you want to leave them in processing the pain into healing.
1) You can acknowledge the pain you caused, acknowledge if you didn't intend it, and apologize. And then you can be there to help heal their hurting. This is the easiest path and the path of greatest empathy and compassion and sharing the pain to make it less on each of you..
2) You can ignore it and deny you did something hurtful to another soul. And then you leave them with their hurt unhealed but you haven't added further pain on top of the original hurt. This is the path of avoidance and cowardice and it leaves all the hurt for the other person to heal on their own.
3) You can ignore/deny the wrong and continue repeating it. This heaps further pain and hurt on the original pain you created until the weight of all that pain breaks the other person or breaks the relationship between you. This is the hardest path -- and it's the one that requires leaving the situation to heal it slowly and painfully by yourself and know that you can't come back as long as the old patterns keep repeating.
And that's why having chosen the third path for how Eric was going to deal with being told that him using the band Instagram account from which fans had been blocked for being honest about the country music, I was left with only that 3rd hardest path for how to deal with the pain of shattered trust and how poisonous that is to love.
But if I'd never been blocked on the band account or if he'd chosen the first path and dealt with the wrong that had been done NOT by him but that rippled to affect him and all the members of the band in whose name it was done. If instead he had chosen to help heal it, then I would have shown up happy and full of light and love to the November shows in Ann Arbor, Chicago, and Minneapolis and the connection would have been strengthened rather than me being in my process of saying goodbye letting go. And I'd still have kept Dave at a distance, especially while he was in a relationship with Diana. And in the pre-release of songs and all the tarot cards tied into it, all of it would have enchanted me and I would have excitedly shared each and every one of them in a state of complete giddiness. And I'd have spent the last little over a month listening to The Light on repeat and it would have made me so incredibly happy and drawn me in closer......
Because everything done in the choices made in the creation of The Light itself was done right. That wasn't where or how it broke. It was a different choice, a different set of choices, that have brought us down this path instead of that other......
And the thing is. One of the hardest lessons to be learned, in any life and across all lives, is that you can't make choices for other people. You have to accept their choices as what they chose, even if you can see how much better it would be for them and everyone else if they could just choose differently.... But you can't force that. because, free will, the choices the individual makes, that's HOW the karmic paths are made and how we learn the lessons our soul needs for its journey. It's all about choice, all about the choices a person makes. You can tell them the consequences of their choices, you can try to make them see, but ultimately each of us must rise or fall by our own individual choices.
And you can break your heart over some choices, but you have to allow those choices are theirs to make and all you can do is move on from the moment that their choice has shifted the path and the fatelines.....
All of it, all of it comes down to free will and choice.
And I can no more change the choices he made in not acknowledging that hurt and wrong the band is guilty of and instead choosing to take part in it himself and then continue to repeat it than I can change anyone's choices ever. Do I WISH he had acknowledged it, dealt with it, fixed it, and helped heal it instead of making it worse? Yes. yes of course I wish that. But that's not the choice he made, so that's not the path we're on. And wishing it was isn't going to help me deal with the path we have now.
This is the path I have to walk based on past choices, so this is the one I'm going to focus on. And on this one, I still haven't listened to The Light nor have I seen anything from Delta Rae or any member of it since they went live on their instagram for the release of the album on March 20 -- and I won't until I have purged out all these poisons from the shattered trust so there is only a pure place of love inside me for me to accept the gift that The Light was created to be.
Does that mean we have a fate line that we're stuck in where we'll never see each other again in this life and that one choice has ruined everything forever and ever and that was the only chance to end up on the path(s) we wish we were on? No. It just means that an easier path to get there sooner isn't open to either of us at this time. We still have present and future choices to make. You have to start with the moment of the path you're on -- but your choices now and in the future can determine how long or short the time you walk through the hardest parts of it or how you use the path(s) you wish you were on to guide your choices to bring you back into alignment to reach those paths....
It's all about choices. That's how you create your own karmic paths. Once you realize that, you can hack your path to take it where you want, knuckle down to learn whatever lessons it is you NEED to learn, and finally get yourself to the karmic path you desire for yourself.
And anyway, precogs are all just flashes of what is going to happen ONCE a choice has been made. So I have no precogs of the choices not yet made nor of exactly where/how the paths will take us. Even though I'm one of the strongest prophetess precogs I've ever encountered, there's nothing I can see til the choices are made that determine which path we go down. I can't see anything except the paths to choose between until the choice(s) are made. It's the difference between a contingent precog and an immutable precog. Contingent ones are me seeing future paths that choices can still change -- the immutable ones are the ones where all the things that will bring us to it have happened and nothing can change the course that those choices have created....
So I can tell you that the choices made have taken us down this path to where we are. But my precog abilities don't tell me how long Dave and I will be good together (though I have always known from the moment our paths crossed again in this life that I don't want to break his heart because it isn't mine to break given the karma that binds us; which is why I kept me from his options so long as I felt I'd run to Eric if he were an option for me, even if I chose to be with Dave and I'd do it even knowing how it would hurt Dave terribly by doing so -- I've only ever considered Dave in a scenario where Eric has been entirely removed from my options by Eric's choices and the consequences thereof), how long Eric's wandering will take for him to learn what he needs to learn so he won't repeat this mistake, how long it will take for me to heal up this hurt from the past choices, or when our paths will come back together how long it will take.
There's only so much I can see. And I can't see THE path til the choices are made that will determine it, I can see the infinite number of paths that are open which it could go down depending on the choices to be made. And I can warn people, "pay attention to these choices because they MATTER and the consequences are dire if you don't" or I can nudge to try to achieve "better" paths created by better choices and easier lessons and more fulfillment and more joy -- but I can't make those choices in the clutch. I can only make my own choices on the path I'm on.
But for now, the path we're on is Eric chose the 3rd response after having been told about why going live on the band's Instagram account was hurtful and ethically wrong, so I had to let him go to heal the poisons of that shattered trust once I was left to have to deal with it on my own recognizing he was only going to continue making it worse and worse so long as I stayed. It's the path where Dave has made his choices and realizations since early October that I'm what he chooses at the same time that the biggest obstacle to him achieving that with me has now been removed from Dave's path - and now he's pursuing it wholeheartedly tenaciously full of hope and light and I'm choosing to find the joy and light that he always gives me and heal myself somewhere that has been an option for me since 2012... Dave is a Taurus sun with a Leo moon, once he's set his heart on something and made up his mind, he's not the sort to allow himself to make mistakes or get distracted until he achieves it.
I genuinely don't know how long or how good what there is between me and Dave will be in this life -- but I know for right now he lightens my heart makes me smile every time I see him/think about him and I love how kind and compassionate he is, how deeply he cares and how completely he loves. Also, he makes my heart light up and he constantly makes me laugh. And all of those things are things he does that nobody else does for me right now. I'm weirdly picky about who I date despite always having options and I'm fine with being alone -- I've never installed any dating apps or even signed up for any form of online dating. You have to earn my admiration for me to even consider you because I'd rather be alone than waste my time with someone who doesn't add to my happiness by having them in my life. (I also do know who Dave's soul was to me in the past though -- he's the bishop/judge condemned me to burn as a witch about 500 years ago though he did his best to be fair and just with me by the standards he had at the time, but I'm also the witch who got pissed off and cursed him to stay even if he must remain a ghost til he saw everything he had believed turned to ash and saw me a sainted heroine. And I'm also the one who released him to return to the cycle of souls when he stayed stuck as a ghost longer than I had intended and i came across him and felt bad because I hadn't even given a thought for 300 years except that he'd moved on somehow.... Those three events comprise the entire karmic link between Dave and me. We each did the other wrong, I did what I could to fix the wrong I did him, but he has yet to give me his gratitude, right the wrong he did me, feel my forgiveness and know he can be loved for who he chooses to be NOW despite what our past selves have done.) I know that for NOW he wants me and he's been steadfast that he's in love with me since he first set eyes on me, even when he's dated other women. But how well we actually complement each other and what we may build together in this life? That is unknown to me. It all depends on if he's in love with ME or if he's in love with his IDEA of me and how well he can handle the intensity of truths of who/what I am in this life and how it can be as frustrating and scary as it is surprising and joyous.
I genuinely don't know if somewhere past whatever I build with Dave in this life, there will still be life enough in this life that Eric and I will be at a point of healing where I can give him another chance with my trust and my love no longer poisoned by the broken trust and he'll have learned not to keep making the mistakes of his past. I can't promise that hope, but I can't destroy it either. there are too many variables still for me to know that....
The choices for me to know that haven't been made yet......
I can see them in the infinite of possible paths this moment can bring us to -- but I can't say with any certainty it WILL be the one we walk. not til the choices have been made that will determine which of the paths we walk.
I do know that in the scheme of all my lives, Eric's soul and mine are tied in an old enduring karmic bond of the type that can never actually be severed -- not by either of us and not by anyone or anything external. even if we've both had a lot of wandering away from each other along our karmic paths, still the bond between us is beyond any severing. You can try to deny it but the pull will still be there, you can try to drown it out or get an unincarnated powerful being to mute it so all the noise and pull of it won't reach you andit's not so insistently loud, you can decide to pursue someone else but you'll always feel the undertow of that pull no matter how wonderful the other person is, and you can accept that the pull is there but you can't follow it to ease that tension of wanting -- but it can't be severed while we're here incarnating. Which is why it always pulls, why it hurts so deep when we do each other wrong -- but also why there's always the opportunity of healing by returning to each other, even if that will take some time to get to it. He and I will always find our way back to each other and always feel pulled toward each other -- no matter what either (or both) of us have to learn or heal that keeps us apart for a time. Which is why I know that I have to heal this and I will heal this and I'd just as soon get the healing done as quickly but thoroughly as I can -- even if I need to heal it all on my own without any help from him and he'll have to heal what in him caused this so as not to repeat it. But I also know it will happen, it will be healed, at some point and at that point it will be like when you get two powerful magnets and there's nothing in the Universe that can stop our souls from seeking to find each other again. I just don't know the when -. but I do know what we both have to do to get there.
The karmic connection with Dave is only about 500 years old -- which sounds old to a young soul but it's not really in terms of how old my soul is and we only crossed in two of my lives before this and one of his. But there's a lot of reasons the karmic link is SO strong there because of how it was forged between us. And the karmic link genuinely, is one that may not stand beyond a life wherein we give each other forgiveness and the warmth of unconditional love where we both are givers to heal each other's hurts. It could be that by completing that karmic circle, it ends future karmic bonds between us other than a well wishing or one to be sought out in times we need healing or if he needs a teacher/guru to guide him on his paths and chooses me. But this isn't like the bond with Eric that across all our lives drives and pulls us to try to reach each other. My karmic bond with Dave IS strong, but it's not the same sort and when the karma is all worked out, there's no guarantee our life paths will ever cross again in the future unless he decides to seek his own self-actualization on a path where I become his teacher/guru. This right now in this life is a reward but also about healing and releasing our old karma so he can continue his soul's progress on his own karmic journey.
as for my karmic ties with brittany....she's made her own bed. She is no longer one of my students and the Goddess has actually forbidden me to intercede with The Goddess on britt's behalf from now unto eternity moving forward and after this life ends, britt's soul will have its ability to control or use the gifts she learned from the Goddess' path stripped from her and she will never again be born with them because she has shown by her choices that she cannot be trusted with the responsibility they represent. the Goddess is pissed af at Britt over her choices and actions towards me and The Goddess never forgives, never forgets, and she refuses to listen to me, her highest Priestess still on this plane incarnating, on the issue of britt.... That was a bad enemy to make girl.... Beyond this life and her being Eric's sister within this life, britt and I have no further karmic links now that me as her teacher is severed after her rejecting me 3 times in this life and The Goddess removing those chains we'd chosen in the past. She is no longer any concern of mine nor do either of us owe each other anything at all nor may I intercede on her behalf with the Goddess -- the Goddess told me straight out she will not listen to me on the issue of brittany's soul and her karmic journey due to britt's own choices regarding me.
But, the answer is, that in complete honesty.... if Eric had chosen differently in August and chosen the 1st path for how to deal with that wrong, then we'd be down completely different fate lines. We'd still have a global pandemic and a time of forced introspection and inner work for everyone who has been evading it by focusing on external measures of productivity/achievement. But all of our personal fate lines would be COMPLETELY different dependent on Eric's choice back in August. And that's just the simple truth of it.... I dunno if that would have been better or not because the flaw in Eric that he needs to heal to avoid making the same mistake in the future would still be there and could have caused us both even greater hurt down the line if left undealt with and him not facing the inner work and lessons he needs to learn there...... It's possible that in a cosmic sense, him making that 3rd choice is actually the best path for all of us and what we each need to learn and it sets the possibility of a foundation without that major crack in it for Eric and me at some point in the future after he's learned the lesson he's been avoiding. So he will not keep repeating this choice.....
I don't know while I'm incarnated. Incarnating creates certain limits of perception and ties you to this plane in ways you aren't while unincarnated or while between incarnations.... And the knowledge of what is the "best" of the fate lines in a cosmic healing and self-actualizing sense is part of what you lose except in bits and pieces where for a moment you can feel the rightness of a given choice or path or moment.....
But anyway, yes you'd have achieved what you hoped for with The Light if you'd chosen the easier path and you'd still have me instead of me letting you go and turning elsewhere for comfort while I heal up from that shattered trust of picking the third way to deal with it and the hurt it caused..... But as I said, maybe leaving this flaw inside you that needs to be healed and your lessons learned and trying to build on that broken a foundation would have just caused us both even greater hurt and loss in this lifetime which is now avoided and the flaw brought to light so it can be healed and the lessons learned not to keep repeating the same karmic choices and mistakes of the unlearned lesson.
And none of that decides which of the future fate lines we end up on. You still have the opportunity to choose which path you'll take to get to your fate line -- as do I and as does Dave.
Where we are in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years..... That's far too many choices none of us have yet made for me to see which fate line WILL be. All I can see from right here in this moment are the infinite multiplicity of fate lines that MAY be for all of us. And they're a fucking tangled mess because ALL fate lines are a tangled mess and I literally peek at mine before I decide IF I'm going to the grocery store or when I'm going or WHEN I'm going to take my dog on our morning walk..... I mean, being a precog with the death sight does make it easier to avoid long interactions and paths where I can see me dying or infecting people I love with the disease. that's a gift most don't have. But the death sight also makes being around people or even watching live streams or the news hard -- because it means I can see once a person is infected and their life has less than 2 weeks remaining as their light dims to be snuffed out. Sometimes I'll see an inner light flickering with the death sight, means that it WILL be snuffed out if the choices aren't made to prevent that snuffing out. And I've won some of those battles and lost some of them when the light flickers but isn't yet dimming down to death. Death sight is weird, y'know?
I've said it before and I'll never lie about it -- I'm incredibly fucking weird. Weird enough to be considered wyrd. And I have far more strong spiritual/psychic gifts than anyone else you will ever encounter, in any life. And they are a responsibility as well as a gift. And I only seek to be loved or hated in this life by being painfully honest about exactly who and what I am and what my character and nature IS. And also.... the gifts.... There IS a genetic component to a body's innate ability to be able to harness gifts -- but the soul that chooses that body has to be able to awaken or control them as well. So any/all kids I have would have the possibility of the gifts in their genetics and the phenotype of how that manifests -- but it would entirely depend on what gifts had been previously learned by that soul that chose to be born into the karmic paths that a life I create would open as opportunities for that soul's journeys.... Which is why gifts can lay dormant in a family line for generations then suddenly you have someone who has all the gifts awakened and expressing from a very young age with no training in the current life....
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Ufgh. My dad told me about a weird vision dream he had on Saturday night/Sunday morning and the fact that he knew for certain he had to tell me.....And I need to share it here to close the loop that I received the message because I believe it pertains to things I've written out here but have discussed with nobody outside of writing about it here......
So. My da's dream.
In the dream, he and my mom had just come back from walking their dog and when they got back to their home (the house I grew up in) there was a neighbor who means well but is not all there in the head who was painting bright colored pictures on the side of the house trying to get attention. And he was wearing a very colorful sparkly Easter bunny hat. My mom took the dog inside while my dad went to go talk to this person painting happy bright flowers and rainbows and smiling suns and such on the side of the house.
When he was almost to him, the guy turned to him and asked, "Are you the guru's guru?"
My dad nodded and said, "Yes. I am."
And the guy in the bunny ears said "O thank god!" and put out his arms for a hug.
My dad said that at this point, most people would have been rather scared because this is a big guy and they might see it as threatening, but my dad decided to open his arms and give him the hug he needed -- and the guy just started sobbing about he was so sad and broken over how he had lost their dog after she ran away when he accidentally hurt her and he just needs to know how to make everything right again and just wouldn't stop sobbing and clinging onto my father.
It was also after my dad chose to give him the hug that he noticed beyond the guy two figures, armed and weapons aimed at the guy -- two figures he said he recognized as greater gods but who in the dream wore the faces of people he knows in real life. The woman had a bow and arrow, the man who was golden like the sun held a gun Both aimed at the guy who was now sobbing but had been painting on the side of the house. My dad was acknowledging them and telling them to stand down, it would be okay he had this under control.
He was letting the guy just sob it out while hugging him, with the two greater spirits watching, and got to him asking, "But my friend, what did you do to get to this state?" when the alarm clock woke him and he was left with the overwhelming need to tell me this dream.....
I told him I heard and understood and thanked him for getting the message to me. I told him I knew whose spirits those three were that his subconscious was interpreting that way, I knew why the broken grief-stricken man faking all the exterior signs of happiness trying to spread joy was so broken and sad, and that I knew precisely which two great spirits those were (my goddess and the Hawk God) but that I didn't know what to do with the information.
But I do know that to heal this broken man pretending to be happy other than to tell him that he needs to seek out someone like my father who is also a catalyst for karmic change and spiritual healing, someone who can help him to heal in himself the broken karmic flaws that need to be healed before he can have back sooner what he's so broken over having lost.... That's the best path through and out to heal the intense suffering and brokenness in this man's soul
I also know that it's a warning as well as a promise for help to heal. It's the warning that the goddess and the god that I work the most closely with and who I serve and who assist me in matters spiritual when I need greater help than I can do on my own as an incarnating being, they are watching VERY carefully this broken soul and they're ready to take them out if there's any further threat te me or mine..... And be very careful with that.... When you do wrong by someone who has great spiritual benefactors guarding them, those beings WILL take you out quite ruthlessly to protect those they love without me having any say in the matter.... So do be careful. Don't seek to harm or hurt anything that is tied to me or mine.... The Goddess and the Hawk God literally have their weapons leveled at you.....
Also. I don't know if the soul faking the happiness but broken to that level is Eric or Britt. Just because my dad's subconscious manifested the facts in a male representation doesn't mean it's a male spirit. It just means that was the best symbolism his subconscious found from his familiar neighborhood to translate the state of the soul. It could very well be Britt's soul reaching out for help and reaching him -- not Eric's. My gut instinct tells me Eric's more the sort to choose Piscean self-destructive choices of self-harm instead of actively trying to find help to make this right which would be a Leonine way to deal with it -- he'd just hate himself and blame himself and all that self-loathing would manifest in trying to drink to forget and trying to find things to distract himself until he's so miserable he just wants to die and makes a serious attempt....Which is absolutely horrible and I DEFINITELY don't want that...But that's what he would do if crippled by sorrow and self-loathing.... And, quite legitimately, Eric used to reach me easily in dream space via our karmic bonds, but I don't know how much dreamspace sharing and dream walking he does outside that but I do know that Britt dream walks and can share dream spaces if people will let her in. I know that because in past incarnations of us I taught her that skillset when she studied under me on the same path serving the same Goddess I serve...before she lost her way. And while Eric would know how to find that house where I used to live from shared dream space when younger, anyone who recognized my energy could find it on an astral plane because both my father and I have our energy saturated through every atom of that house and the area around it so it shines out like a beacon if you're seeking either of our energies..... Whereas where I live now by myself, it's hidden and guarded and the energy impossible to find -- only those I allow in AND those my guardian protectors allow to pass can find me to reach me there. If you were seeking my energy signal on a spiritual plane, you wouldn't go to where I live now, you'd go to the house I grew up in. And there you'd encounter my father's soul in dreamspace, not mine. But despite all those reasons, it could have been Eric's soul, going to the only place he could find to try to reach me that way...it's more how he would react to be so broken-hearted inconsolable and try to hide it under the facade of happiness while still needing his hurting to heal...
Anyway. I needed to share about this and acknowledge the message was received.... I'm not changing my course, the hard path to heal this is now the only path open to any of us. But my heart weighed heavy in me over knowing how deep the hurting is under the facade of being happy trying to spread light and joy..... My heart stayed heavy impossible to lift until I decided I'd write it out here. Which is how I knew that was right.
And my advice stands. Seek out a guru's guru who when you find them will see you truly, listen to you, absolve you in their love if you will be open and honest to them, then listen to them for how you heal the karmic flaw(s) in you that are broken need to be mended, and then you can find who you lost and work to mend what was broken. That is your best quickest path and direction I can give you. That is the best advice I can give you for how to heal your hurting and to fix everything that broke....
And also. Take seriously the fact that The Great Goddess and the Hawk God are both watching you with their weapons cocked and aimed at your heart ready to take you out if you do any harm. Nobody owns or can control the great protective unincarnated souls that mankind calls gods and goddesses -- and I know of nobody who can halt their arrows if they decide to take you out of your current life to protect one of their own children..... Take that warning seriously, for the sake of all your unfinished business in this life... Please heed that warning, even if you ignore my advice on all the rest, heed that warning.....
So. My da's dream.
In the dream, he and my mom had just come back from walking their dog and when they got back to their home (the house I grew up in) there was a neighbor who means well but is not all there in the head who was painting bright colored pictures on the side of the house trying to get attention. And he was wearing a very colorful sparkly Easter bunny hat. My mom took the dog inside while my dad went to go talk to this person painting happy bright flowers and rainbows and smiling suns and such on the side of the house.
When he was almost to him, the guy turned to him and asked, "Are you the guru's guru?"
My dad nodded and said, "Yes. I am."
And the guy in the bunny ears said "O thank god!" and put out his arms for a hug.
My dad said that at this point, most people would have been rather scared because this is a big guy and they might see it as threatening, but my dad decided to open his arms and give him the hug he needed -- and the guy just started sobbing about he was so sad and broken over how he had lost their dog after she ran away when he accidentally hurt her and he just needs to know how to make everything right again and just wouldn't stop sobbing and clinging onto my father.
It was also after my dad chose to give him the hug that he noticed beyond the guy two figures, armed and weapons aimed at the guy -- two figures he said he recognized as greater gods but who in the dream wore the faces of people he knows in real life. The woman had a bow and arrow, the man who was golden like the sun held a gun Both aimed at the guy who was now sobbing but had been painting on the side of the house. My dad was acknowledging them and telling them to stand down, it would be okay he had this under control.
He was letting the guy just sob it out while hugging him, with the two greater spirits watching, and got to him asking, "But my friend, what did you do to get to this state?" when the alarm clock woke him and he was left with the overwhelming need to tell me this dream.....
I told him I heard and understood and thanked him for getting the message to me. I told him I knew whose spirits those three were that his subconscious was interpreting that way, I knew why the broken grief-stricken man faking all the exterior signs of happiness trying to spread joy was so broken and sad, and that I knew precisely which two great spirits those were (my goddess and the Hawk God) but that I didn't know what to do with the information.
But I do know that to heal this broken man pretending to be happy other than to tell him that he needs to seek out someone like my father who is also a catalyst for karmic change and spiritual healing, someone who can help him to heal in himself the broken karmic flaws that need to be healed before he can have back sooner what he's so broken over having lost.... That's the best path through and out to heal the intense suffering and brokenness in this man's soul
I also know that it's a warning as well as a promise for help to heal. It's the warning that the goddess and the god that I work the most closely with and who I serve and who assist me in matters spiritual when I need greater help than I can do on my own as an incarnating being, they are watching VERY carefully this broken soul and they're ready to take them out if there's any further threat te me or mine..... And be very careful with that.... When you do wrong by someone who has great spiritual benefactors guarding them, those beings WILL take you out quite ruthlessly to protect those they love without me having any say in the matter.... So do be careful. Don't seek to harm or hurt anything that is tied to me or mine.... The Goddess and the Hawk God literally have their weapons leveled at you.....
Also. I don't know if the soul faking the happiness but broken to that level is Eric or Britt. Just because my dad's subconscious manifested the facts in a male representation doesn't mean it's a male spirit. It just means that was the best symbolism his subconscious found from his familiar neighborhood to translate the state of the soul. It could very well be Britt's soul reaching out for help and reaching him -- not Eric's. My gut instinct tells me Eric's more the sort to choose Piscean self-destructive choices of self-harm instead of actively trying to find help to make this right which would be a Leonine way to deal with it -- he'd just hate himself and blame himself and all that self-loathing would manifest in trying to drink to forget and trying to find things to distract himself until he's so miserable he just wants to die and makes a serious attempt....Which is absolutely horrible and I DEFINITELY don't want that...But that's what he would do if crippled by sorrow and self-loathing.... And, quite legitimately, Eric used to reach me easily in dream space via our karmic bonds, but I don't know how much dreamspace sharing and dream walking he does outside that but I do know that Britt dream walks and can share dream spaces if people will let her in. I know that because in past incarnations of us I taught her that skillset when she studied under me on the same path serving the same Goddess I serve...before she lost her way. And while Eric would know how to find that house where I used to live from shared dream space when younger, anyone who recognized my energy could find it on an astral plane because both my father and I have our energy saturated through every atom of that house and the area around it so it shines out like a beacon if you're seeking either of our energies..... Whereas where I live now by myself, it's hidden and guarded and the energy impossible to find -- only those I allow in AND those my guardian protectors allow to pass can find me to reach me there. If you were seeking my energy signal on a spiritual plane, you wouldn't go to where I live now, you'd go to the house I grew up in. And there you'd encounter my father's soul in dreamspace, not mine. But despite all those reasons, it could have been Eric's soul, going to the only place he could find to try to reach me that way...it's more how he would react to be so broken-hearted inconsolable and try to hide it under the facade of happiness while still needing his hurting to heal...
Anyway. I needed to share about this and acknowledge the message was received.... I'm not changing my course, the hard path to heal this is now the only path open to any of us. But my heart weighed heavy in me over knowing how deep the hurting is under the facade of being happy trying to spread light and joy..... My heart stayed heavy impossible to lift until I decided I'd write it out here. Which is how I knew that was right.
And my advice stands. Seek out a guru's guru who when you find them will see you truly, listen to you, absolve you in their love if you will be open and honest to them, then listen to them for how you heal the karmic flaw(s) in you that are broken need to be mended, and then you can find who you lost and work to mend what was broken. That is your best quickest path and direction I can give you. That is the best advice I can give you for how to heal your hurting and to fix everything that broke....
And also. Take seriously the fact that The Great Goddess and the Hawk God are both watching you with their weapons cocked and aimed at your heart ready to take you out if you do any harm. Nobody owns or can control the great protective unincarnated souls that mankind calls gods and goddesses -- and I know of nobody who can halt their arrows if they decide to take you out of your current life to protect one of their own children..... Take that warning seriously, for the sake of all your unfinished business in this life... Please heed that warning, even if you ignore my advice on all the rest, heed that warning.....
Monday, April 27, 2020
April is the cruellest month, breeding / Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing / Memory and desire, stirring / Dull roots with spring rain..
I have thought about it, and I genuinely believe that whenever I do let me listen to The Light, I'm going to love everything about it musically, artistically, purposely (I don't think that's a word, or at least not the one I want - why did I construct this end of the sentence in adverb form anyway?!), the intent/purpose with which it was created, and for the message and inner place it was created from. I do genuinely believe that.
And that's why I refuse to listen to it yet. It's not out of pettiness or spite or anger. I want to listen to it from a place I can love it as the gift it was intended and crafted to be - with no poisons shadowing my ability to love it for what it is.
And I'm not there now. I'm sorry but I'm not. The easy road wasn't chosen, fuck ups were made and not cleaned up and instead y'all doubled down on, "we must be in the right because I refuse to accept we could have done so wrong" and you fucked it up worse. Literally shattered everything. I have no trust now in Liz, Britt, or Eric that they even care about how their actions cause hurt to others - and how deep it cut me to accept that evidence bleeds in me shallowest to deepest in that same order.
I can't fix what Eric broke when he listened to Britt followed her lead on this. I just can't. it's too broken now. Without properly acknowledging the fuckup then cleaning it up I'll always be wondering in some part of me when it's going to happen again. I'll be waiting for the smack from him deciding it doesn't matter how his actions and choices hurt me so long as someone he decides to trust rationalizes it for him. I'll be waiting for the next time Britt lashes out when she doesn't get to have things exactly her way and doesn't want to hear the honesty of why it can't be that way. Wondering constantly when someone else will influence him to follow their say instead of his own conscience, and how is that going to cut me? It's there now, that seed they planted, and the fruit of it is bitter and poisonous and deadly.... And I can't make that poison be something good. Not so long as anyone who was involved in growing this keeps trying to hide or pretend they didn't plant this and nurture it by trying to cover up and ignore this noxious weed since October 2018.
And since I can't heal this while I'm within the wreckage of every future path it destroyed, it's my choice to let go. To acknowledge what happened, to let go of all karmic bonds between me and them until they have learned the lessons that in some lifetime can bring us back to a point of healing these poisons so something good and new could be grown between us.
This is how I drain from me the damage and the hurt and my grief over the loss. I have to let go for now, and let go completely, so that I can heal me so I can come back from a place of love and only love later. Please don't expect or hold on to a hope that I'm coming back around to check in on you and you can win me back by reminding me what I love in you. It won't work - I know how deep my love is and all the reasons for it, it's as deep as the hurt in me of everywhere these poisons have touched. My love is the crack and the canyon in me into which every drop of the poisoned trust could seep. Please know that I can't come back to you from how deep that hurt is without first removing the poisons that are now intermixed with that love. I can't give you my love now without those poisons mixed into it.
You didn't choose the easy way, you didn't remove the wrong that was poisoning it and when I tried to warn you, every time you just added more poison. So now we have to do this the long hard way. And it's gonna hurt. Because the hard way means you accept my choice to let go so I can purge these poisons out of me. You can accept it now or accept it later, but I'm not coming back til the poisons are gone so I can come back from a place within me where there's once again only that deep clear shining bright light in me.
And it's only from that place, whenever I reach it, that I am willing to listen to The Light. I know everything Eric planned and crafted and wanted it to be. And I know how fucking hard he worked to get this gift from them just perfect. He threw all of himself into it in complete faith that if he could just get it perfect, he could make everything broken right again.... I know, love. I do know all that. And I honor the purity of intent and depth of love that went into it. And it's because of how deeply I honor all of that good and brightness I still see at the core of it, that I refuse to listen to it from any inner place except a place of untainted love.
And I can't give anything more here. I can't come back to give you the love you want - not til the poisons are removed.... And since you both were too cowardly to fix this the easy ways, I need to be brave enough to let go and purge out the poisons the hard way. And that is going to take some time - maybe more time than remains to any of us in this lifetime.... I'll get there, and this will be healed - but now we go by the long hard way to heal it. And I don't know how long it will take us to get there. Genuinely, future fate lines are such a tangled mess right now, globally, that I don't know how long. But we will get there. The hard way starts with me letting go completely of our karmic entanglements til these karmic lessons that created the poisons are learned (in Eric to listen to his own conscience/moral compass rather than heeding the peer pressure of praise/advice from others, and in Britt to have the courage to honestly acknowledge when she has done wrong even if her past acts were born of ill motives and shame her to have others know of it.) And then after I let them go til they heal the sources of the poisons by following their karmic paths, the hard way asks me to dig out and release every broken shattered piece of trust mixed into my love inside me. Every piece, even the most minuscule sliver, that feels hurt or betrayed or angry or grief-stricken toward either/both of them.
That's the only way I know how to heal this and to eventually come back to you from that place of shining clear deep love that you knew before. I won't come back to you til the poisons are all cleared out and thus there's only love in me. I won't put us through that brokenness and pain of coming back before I have cleansed out of me everything those poisons destroyed. And since you both refused the inner work to take the easy paths, now there's only the hard path that will require the same inner work AND me letting you go for however long your karmic path takes to finish that inner work AND me painfully pulling out every blood covered shard of that shattered trust and purging out all the poisons from the choices made that now taint my love for each of them individually and for the band as a whole - and now I have no one to help me with that cleanup. I just get to do it by myself, however long and however painful that extraction is.
And whatever untainted unpoisoned clear springs of love for someone else I turn to for strength while I seek somewhere to rest and shelter myself while I heal and clean up this mess so that this now poisoned spring inside me can be a pure source of light and love for you once more.....well that's my business, it's no longer yours. I hope you can find for yourself places of love and light to strengthen you on whatever path you now choose. Genuinely.
And the hard way, it's going to take time. Even for the parts I can do myself.... But there's nothing good that will grow between us til these poisons are cleaned up and healed - pretending otherwise will just leave them to fester and create worse problems later. This needs to be cleaned up, and since you two wouldn't choose to clean it the easier ways, I'm going to have to choose for us to let go to force the cleansing the harder way in faith that down the line after it's cleansed, our paths can reconverge for a true healing...
But I promise I will listen to The Light, eventually. Not yet. But someday I will. Once I have cleansed and healed this deep poisoned pain so I can accept the gift it was meant to be with the sort of love that the gift deserves.
That is the best I can do with this hand. Because the hard way to healing was chosen instead of the easy..... If there was another path open to heal this, I'd take it. But there isn't now. Now there's only the hard way. And it's going to take however long it takes and however far asunder it separates our paths before they come back together.... And right now, even I can't read the future potentials to have even an inkling of when, where, or in which life those healings will be completed....
[post title: the opening lines of the T. S. Eliot poem The Wasteland. The Wasteland is a forever favorite poem of mine - deep with layers of old meanings and symbolism to tease out from it.]
And that's why I refuse to listen to it yet. It's not out of pettiness or spite or anger. I want to listen to it from a place I can love it as the gift it was intended and crafted to be - with no poisons shadowing my ability to love it for what it is.
And I'm not there now. I'm sorry but I'm not. The easy road wasn't chosen, fuck ups were made and not cleaned up and instead y'all doubled down on, "we must be in the right because I refuse to accept we could have done so wrong" and you fucked it up worse. Literally shattered everything. I have no trust now in Liz, Britt, or Eric that they even care about how their actions cause hurt to others - and how deep it cut me to accept that evidence bleeds in me shallowest to deepest in that same order.
I can't fix what Eric broke when he listened to Britt followed her lead on this. I just can't. it's too broken now. Without properly acknowledging the fuckup then cleaning it up I'll always be wondering in some part of me when it's going to happen again. I'll be waiting for the smack from him deciding it doesn't matter how his actions and choices hurt me so long as someone he decides to trust rationalizes it for him. I'll be waiting for the next time Britt lashes out when she doesn't get to have things exactly her way and doesn't want to hear the honesty of why it can't be that way. Wondering constantly when someone else will influence him to follow their say instead of his own conscience, and how is that going to cut me? It's there now, that seed they planted, and the fruit of it is bitter and poisonous and deadly.... And I can't make that poison be something good. Not so long as anyone who was involved in growing this keeps trying to hide or pretend they didn't plant this and nurture it by trying to cover up and ignore this noxious weed since October 2018.
And since I can't heal this while I'm within the wreckage of every future path it destroyed, it's my choice to let go. To acknowledge what happened, to let go of all karmic bonds between me and them until they have learned the lessons that in some lifetime can bring us back to a point of healing these poisons so something good and new could be grown between us.
This is how I drain from me the damage and the hurt and my grief over the loss. I have to let go for now, and let go completely, so that I can heal me so I can come back from a place of love and only love later. Please don't expect or hold on to a hope that I'm coming back around to check in on you and you can win me back by reminding me what I love in you. It won't work - I know how deep my love is and all the reasons for it, it's as deep as the hurt in me of everywhere these poisons have touched. My love is the crack and the canyon in me into which every drop of the poisoned trust could seep. Please know that I can't come back to you from how deep that hurt is without first removing the poisons that are now intermixed with that love. I can't give you my love now without those poisons mixed into it.
You didn't choose the easy way, you didn't remove the wrong that was poisoning it and when I tried to warn you, every time you just added more poison. So now we have to do this the long hard way. And it's gonna hurt. Because the hard way means you accept my choice to let go so I can purge these poisons out of me. You can accept it now or accept it later, but I'm not coming back til the poisons are gone so I can come back from a place within me where there's once again only that deep clear shining bright light in me.
And it's only from that place, whenever I reach it, that I am willing to listen to The Light. I know everything Eric planned and crafted and wanted it to be. And I know how fucking hard he worked to get this gift from them just perfect. He threw all of himself into it in complete faith that if he could just get it perfect, he could make everything broken right again.... I know, love. I do know all that. And I honor the purity of intent and depth of love that went into it. And it's because of how deeply I honor all of that good and brightness I still see at the core of it, that I refuse to listen to it from any inner place except a place of untainted love.
And I can't give anything more here. I can't come back to give you the love you want - not til the poisons are removed.... And since you both were too cowardly to fix this the easy ways, I need to be brave enough to let go and purge out the poisons the hard way. And that is going to take some time - maybe more time than remains to any of us in this lifetime.... I'll get there, and this will be healed - but now we go by the long hard way to heal it. And I don't know how long it will take us to get there. Genuinely, future fate lines are such a tangled mess right now, globally, that I don't know how long. But we will get there. The hard way starts with me letting go completely of our karmic entanglements til these karmic lessons that created the poisons are learned (in Eric to listen to his own conscience/moral compass rather than heeding the peer pressure of praise/advice from others, and in Britt to have the courage to honestly acknowledge when she has done wrong even if her past acts were born of ill motives and shame her to have others know of it.) And then after I let them go til they heal the sources of the poisons by following their karmic paths, the hard way asks me to dig out and release every broken shattered piece of trust mixed into my love inside me. Every piece, even the most minuscule sliver, that feels hurt or betrayed or angry or grief-stricken toward either/both of them.
That's the only way I know how to heal this and to eventually come back to you from that place of shining clear deep love that you knew before. I won't come back to you til the poisons are all cleared out and thus there's only love in me. I won't put us through that brokenness and pain of coming back before I have cleansed out of me everything those poisons destroyed. And since you both refused the inner work to take the easy paths, now there's only the hard path that will require the same inner work AND me letting you go for however long your karmic path takes to finish that inner work AND me painfully pulling out every blood covered shard of that shattered trust and purging out all the poisons from the choices made that now taint my love for each of them individually and for the band as a whole - and now I have no one to help me with that cleanup. I just get to do it by myself, however long and however painful that extraction is.
And whatever untainted unpoisoned clear springs of love for someone else I turn to for strength while I seek somewhere to rest and shelter myself while I heal and clean up this mess so that this now poisoned spring inside me can be a pure source of light and love for you once more.....well that's my business, it's no longer yours. I hope you can find for yourself places of love and light to strengthen you on whatever path you now choose. Genuinely.
And the hard way, it's going to take time. Even for the parts I can do myself.... But there's nothing good that will grow between us til these poisons are cleaned up and healed - pretending otherwise will just leave them to fester and create worse problems later. This needs to be cleaned up, and since you two wouldn't choose to clean it the easier ways, I'm going to have to choose for us to let go to force the cleansing the harder way in faith that down the line after it's cleansed, our paths can reconverge for a true healing...
But I promise I will listen to The Light, eventually. Not yet. But someday I will. Once I have cleansed and healed this deep poisoned pain so I can accept the gift it was meant to be with the sort of love that the gift deserves.
That is the best I can do with this hand. Because the hard way to healing was chosen instead of the easy..... If there was another path open to heal this, I'd take it. But there isn't now. Now there's only the hard way. And it's going to take however long it takes and however far asunder it separates our paths before they come back together.... And right now, even I can't read the future potentials to have even an inkling of when, where, or in which life those healings will be completed....
[post title: the opening lines of the T. S. Eliot poem The Wasteland. The Wasteland is a forever favorite poem of mine - deep with layers of old meanings and symbolism to tease out from it.]
Saturday, April 11, 2020
So. You can't trust tarot when ego gets involved. This is basic rule. Everyone knows. No matter how well a person CAN read tarot, if their ego is involved, the whole reading is shit - is only the reading ego desires, not reading of esse. If ego is involved, you get only the desire, jealousy, possessiveness, defensiveness of what reader wants. Your reading will lack truth, it will only tell you what the ego of the reader wishes to hear, never any damn thing to do with truth. Check your ego before you EVER do a reading or you'll fuck up the life of someone else should they heed your advice.... Literally fuck up their entire life path if they listen to your ego skewed reading. If you cannot enter a state of released ego, don't you DARE try to read for anyone else or you will fuck up their life path.....
Me, I cannae tarot for shit right now. No matter what I'm asking, my mind is never entirely still....
If Eric is anywhere in my mind, I'll pull 3 of swords, 5 of swords, 8 of swords, and The Tower.
If Dave is on my mind, I'll pull 2 of cups, 9 of cups, The Lovers, The Chariot.
Is that truth or ego? Hell if I can tell...... Could be either. Are they truths about their current state or truths about my current state or truths about our relations to each other? Again, hell if I know.... Maybe it is truth for whoever/whatever I'm asking about, I'm just over sensitive to the likelihood of my ego corrupting the reading so now I question it. Hell if I can set my ego aside to read it clearly. My emotions are too entwined, in both cases. But what I'd do about it, that would differ entirely on if those reads are truth or ego... Y'know?
Because. Right now..... I cannae think of Eric without feeling pain, betrayal, and thinking of all of Britt's fuckups, her defensiveness around her own fucking up, and him standing with her fuckups rather than doing what he should know to be ethically right. And I cannae think of Dave without feeling how intensely he desires (and has earned) my love, how much I want to curl into his chest with his arms around me so I know nothing can hurt me while I'm in his arms, and how clear it has always been to me that the very last thing I'd ever want to do is break Dave's heart because it isn't mine to break. And I just really deeply desire that comfort and love and protectedness and surcease from pain at this point. More than anything else, I just want to feel loved and safe and where nobody's bullying/jealousy/malice/ego-driven defensiveness can touch me. And that's what accepting Dave's love for the duration of this life offers me. Or what it's felt like since late August that Dave offers me and Eric can't in this life. That's when everything shifted like tectonic plates based on the choices each of those men made in complete free will at the end of Leo season, start of Virgo season.
I drank a bottle and a half of cheap (but drinkable) cab sauv by myself while reading a YA fantasy series between 1am and 7am. I feel everything, I know nothing, and fuck it - the dog needs to go on a walk.
So, whatevs, I'm gonna go take the dog on a walk and not even think about ego vs. Truth in tarot readings. Because right now, I cannae distinguish what is what I want to believe versus what is. So fuck it. Time to put on my coat and go on a long walk with the dog...... Because at least, that's something I know I can get right. My bitch has got to go outside, just waiting on me to take her. And this, taking her on her walk, this I know I can do right right now.
Me, I cannae tarot for shit right now. No matter what I'm asking, my mind is never entirely still....
If Eric is anywhere in my mind, I'll pull 3 of swords, 5 of swords, 8 of swords, and The Tower.
If Dave is on my mind, I'll pull 2 of cups, 9 of cups, The Lovers, The Chariot.
Is that truth or ego? Hell if I can tell...... Could be either. Are they truths about their current state or truths about my current state or truths about our relations to each other? Again, hell if I know.... Maybe it is truth for whoever/whatever I'm asking about, I'm just over sensitive to the likelihood of my ego corrupting the reading so now I question it. Hell if I can set my ego aside to read it clearly. My emotions are too entwined, in both cases. But what I'd do about it, that would differ entirely on if those reads are truth or ego... Y'know?
Because. Right now..... I cannae think of Eric without feeling pain, betrayal, and thinking of all of Britt's fuckups, her defensiveness around her own fucking up, and him standing with her fuckups rather than doing what he should know to be ethically right. And I cannae think of Dave without feeling how intensely he desires (and has earned) my love, how much I want to curl into his chest with his arms around me so I know nothing can hurt me while I'm in his arms, and how clear it has always been to me that the very last thing I'd ever want to do is break Dave's heart because it isn't mine to break. And I just really deeply desire that comfort and love and protectedness and surcease from pain at this point. More than anything else, I just want to feel loved and safe and where nobody's bullying/jealousy/malice/ego-driven defensiveness can touch me. And that's what accepting Dave's love for the duration of this life offers me. Or what it's felt like since late August that Dave offers me and Eric can't in this life. That's when everything shifted like tectonic plates based on the choices each of those men made in complete free will at the end of Leo season, start of Virgo season.
I drank a bottle and a half of cheap (but drinkable) cab sauv by myself while reading a YA fantasy series between 1am and 7am. I feel everything, I know nothing, and fuck it - the dog needs to go on a walk.
So, whatevs, I'm gonna go take the dog on a walk and not even think about ego vs. Truth in tarot readings. Because right now, I cannae distinguish what is what I want to believe versus what is. So fuck it. Time to put on my coat and go on a long walk with the dog...... Because at least, that's something I know I can get right. My bitch has got to go outside, just waiting on me to take her. And this, taking her on her walk, this I know I can do right right now.
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Sirius & Orion
O. I mentioned a few posts ago about the song Sarebear wrote for me 13 years ago, about what she observed of how I personally deal with letting go when I must no matter how much I love the person I must let go of and leave. Sarah has known me across multiple lives, she is one of my students on the ancient paths - as well as a dear friend. She has seen me make this sacrifice even when it kills me before, any time I must do it for the karmic paths and eventual healing that a person's choices/actions require. And she has watched me do it, no matter how deep it hurts, when I must bow to the sanctity of free will and release those whose choices require I sever cords til they learn the lessons and if we're lucky enough they can follow their karmic paths back to me someday..... I said somehow it reminded me of No One Will Miss Me when I'd heard that on a youtube video from a show. I stand by that. I suppose something in it also reminds me a bit of the opening verse of Enjoy My Song....
I can't give you a copy of Sirius & Orion to hear it. Only a handful of people have it from the ep she did just for her friends with each song written specifically for a close friend. I could play it for you if you were here, but it's nowhere online, and it's not mine to post her recording of the song without her permission. But she has given me permission to use/share lyrics from the song she wrote for me. So I can give you the lyrics if it will help you understand me (an old soul empath warrior-priestess-healer with extensive psychic/magickal gifts and past life memories - a Libra sun, Pisces Rising, Capricorn moon, Scorpio Venus, and Sagittarius Mars) and how the choices other people made brought me to a point of accepting I must let them go and leave no matter how I loved them or how deep it hurt. Still letting them go was necessary and I could fight it or accept it but still it must be if they wouldn't change their toxic traits that were causing harm/pain, if they wouldn't face their shadow work to heal their ego and grow to be better versions of themselves...
Would you like that? I can gift you the lyrics to help you understand.
~*~*~*~
Sirius & Orion
By, Sarah Smogoleski
"I sailed away, from your golden shores,
The promise they held is there no more.
I sailed away, on seas of green,
Longing to forget the beauty I'd seen.
I sailed away, under skies of blue,
Same shade as the tears I shed for you.
I sailed away, into the sunset,
All shadows of doubt not cast aside yet.
Ravaged by lesser men,
Another means to an end,
The story only repeats,
If you keep letting them in.
Why don't you stand up and fight
For what you know is right?
I could have saved you from them,
I cannot save you from yourself.
I sailed away, beyond the moon,
Hoping I didn't leave you too soon.
Yet I sailed on, into the night,
Realizing this time it is your fight.
I sailed away, through the Milky Way,
Never gave you the chance to ask me to stay.
I sailed til I met the sunrise,
Tears from your loss still in my eyes.
Ravaged by lesser men,
Another means to an end,
The story only repeats,
If you keep letting them in.
Why don't you stand up and fight
For what you know is right?
I could have saved you from them,
I cannot save you from yourself.
Those men will do whatever it takes to survive,
They'll break down your walls, they'll burn you alive
They'll take all they can until you have perished
They've already destroyed all that I once cherished.
I sailed away, on a leaky boat,
Indifferent to whether it stayed afloat.
I sailed away, I could not stay,
And bear to watch your dignity decay.
I sailed away, nothing in hand,
Except the knowledge one day you'd understand.
I sailed away, left you behind,
You were far more beautiful in my mind."
~*~*~*~
So those are the words to Sirius & Orion, a song that a friend and student whose soul has known me for thousands of years wrote for me about how I leave when a person's choices in free will demand I cut cords to let them go down the karmic paths their choices require. It's sad and stoic and full of deep grieving but also an unspoken current of hope that if you learn the lesson, we can find each other again. And it's a clear sight into my soul and how I face these cruxes in my lives..... it's called Sirius & Orion because those are my constellations, the first ones my eyes are drawn to in the night sky and I always automatically face first. The dog and the warrior - the best beloveds of my Goddess Artemis-Britomartis-Danu-Birch Moon of all the legends placed in the skies.... Those have always been my constellations in all my lives as far back as I can remember - the Priestess swears promises on Sirius and hunts under the eyes of Orion.
I wish you could hear the song. It's beautiful. It's finger plucked acoustic guitar, piano, and a strings arrangement. But, now you have the words of the song she gifted me written for my lonely wandering way and how I take leave when another soul's choices made in free will and karmic lessons require it of me.
And it's what I've been going through since Britt's choices in Oct 2018 made me realize I was going to have to let Eric go this life if he chose to follow her ego-driven lead, didn't find a way for him to clean up her mistakes and heal her fuckups..... The mess she made predates the recording of The Light - it's why nothing he could create with Delta Rae, no matter how beautiful or designed to appeal to me, could bring me back to him without first purging those poisons Britt buried inside of Delta Rae. You cannot grow healthy good things from a poisoned soil, no matter what seeds you plant - first you must clear out the toxins to make the soil healthy again....
It's the song in my heart this last year and a half of making myself let Eric go every time he makes the same choices that he will take part in her created system of injustice and ostracism - making it done by his direct actions not just done in his name. Sirius & Orion is my song in my soul for Eric across lifetimes and now again in this life due to his choices.... It's a song I've sung for others as well, and I've sung it before in other lifetimes for Eric, but right now my soul feels it and sings it for Eric - as I have since Oct. 27, 2018 except for the reprieve in April 2019 to end of August 2019 when I was full of love and hope that he had learned and would fix all that was broken by choices made in the name of the band.... It's what was in my eyes in November when I let myself look at him to say my hail and farewell at those 3 Delta Rae shows in Ann Arbor, Chicago, and Minneapolis. And my soul has not ceased singing it for him since late August 2019 - even when I'm in the midst of other songs for other people, this song's thread is woven inside and through me as well.
My song in my soul for Dave is a very different song - it's a song of love as a healer and forgiveness for past sins and second chances now you've earned it to become better than you were. And it's a song of my yearning for a place to land, where I can rest and heal and grow good things - my yearning for a love I can trust to cherish me as I am and not to cut me this time. It's another facet in my nature - it's the eternal trust of love earned welcoming you back, rather than the acceptance of karmic justice of ma'at leave taking.
Perhaps, if he chooses aright and learns the lessons he must, then in the fullness of time, I can sing in my soul the song of love and coming home for Eric. But that time is not now.... And I don't know when it will ever be. I can't see that from here. It all depends on him and his choices....and I can't do that for him. So I'll set my course to wander by Sirius & Orion for my lifetimes, til I find myself in a safe harbor of love or a place of battles for me to fight depending on if it's a reward life or a warrioress life.
And for now, I'm heeding the song in my soul for Dave as it guides me like a beacon brings me joy and peace, rather than leaving me adrift at sea cold and alone.
I can't give you a copy of Sirius & Orion to hear it. Only a handful of people have it from the ep she did just for her friends with each song written specifically for a close friend. I could play it for you if you were here, but it's nowhere online, and it's not mine to post her recording of the song without her permission. But she has given me permission to use/share lyrics from the song she wrote for me. So I can give you the lyrics if it will help you understand me (an old soul empath warrior-priestess-healer with extensive psychic/magickal gifts and past life memories - a Libra sun, Pisces Rising, Capricorn moon, Scorpio Venus, and Sagittarius Mars) and how the choices other people made brought me to a point of accepting I must let them go and leave no matter how I loved them or how deep it hurt. Still letting them go was necessary and I could fight it or accept it but still it must be if they wouldn't change their toxic traits that were causing harm/pain, if they wouldn't face their shadow work to heal their ego and grow to be better versions of themselves...
Would you like that? I can gift you the lyrics to help you understand.
~*~*~*~
Sirius & Orion
By, Sarah Smogoleski
"I sailed away, from your golden shores,
The promise they held is there no more.
I sailed away, on seas of green,
Longing to forget the beauty I'd seen.
I sailed away, under skies of blue,
Same shade as the tears I shed for you.
I sailed away, into the sunset,
All shadows of doubt not cast aside yet.
Ravaged by lesser men,
Another means to an end,
The story only repeats,
If you keep letting them in.
Why don't you stand up and fight
For what you know is right?
I could have saved you from them,
I cannot save you from yourself.
I sailed away, beyond the moon,
Hoping I didn't leave you too soon.
Yet I sailed on, into the night,
Realizing this time it is your fight.
I sailed away, through the Milky Way,
Never gave you the chance to ask me to stay.
I sailed til I met the sunrise,
Tears from your loss still in my eyes.
Ravaged by lesser men,
Another means to an end,
The story only repeats,
If you keep letting them in.
Why don't you stand up and fight
For what you know is right?
I could have saved you from them,
I cannot save you from yourself.
Those men will do whatever it takes to survive,
They'll break down your walls, they'll burn you alive
They'll take all they can until you have perished
They've already destroyed all that I once cherished.
I sailed away, on a leaky boat,
Indifferent to whether it stayed afloat.
I sailed away, I could not stay,
And bear to watch your dignity decay.
I sailed away, nothing in hand,
Except the knowledge one day you'd understand.
I sailed away, left you behind,
You were far more beautiful in my mind."
~*~*~*~
So those are the words to Sirius & Orion, a song that a friend and student whose soul has known me for thousands of years wrote for me about how I leave when a person's choices in free will demand I cut cords to let them go down the karmic paths their choices require. It's sad and stoic and full of deep grieving but also an unspoken current of hope that if you learn the lesson, we can find each other again. And it's a clear sight into my soul and how I face these cruxes in my lives..... it's called Sirius & Orion because those are my constellations, the first ones my eyes are drawn to in the night sky and I always automatically face first. The dog and the warrior - the best beloveds of my Goddess Artemis-Britomartis-Danu-Birch Moon of all the legends placed in the skies.... Those have always been my constellations in all my lives as far back as I can remember - the Priestess swears promises on Sirius and hunts under the eyes of Orion.
I wish you could hear the song. It's beautiful. It's finger plucked acoustic guitar, piano, and a strings arrangement. But, now you have the words of the song she gifted me written for my lonely wandering way and how I take leave when another soul's choices made in free will and karmic lessons require it of me.
And it's what I've been going through since Britt's choices in Oct 2018 made me realize I was going to have to let Eric go this life if he chose to follow her ego-driven lead, didn't find a way for him to clean up her mistakes and heal her fuckups..... The mess she made predates the recording of The Light - it's why nothing he could create with Delta Rae, no matter how beautiful or designed to appeal to me, could bring me back to him without first purging those poisons Britt buried inside of Delta Rae. You cannot grow healthy good things from a poisoned soil, no matter what seeds you plant - first you must clear out the toxins to make the soil healthy again....
It's the song in my heart this last year and a half of making myself let Eric go every time he makes the same choices that he will take part in her created system of injustice and ostracism - making it done by his direct actions not just done in his name. Sirius & Orion is my song in my soul for Eric across lifetimes and now again in this life due to his choices.... It's a song I've sung for others as well, and I've sung it before in other lifetimes for Eric, but right now my soul feels it and sings it for Eric - as I have since Oct. 27, 2018 except for the reprieve in April 2019 to end of August 2019 when I was full of love and hope that he had learned and would fix all that was broken by choices made in the name of the band.... It's what was in my eyes in November when I let myself look at him to say my hail and farewell at those 3 Delta Rae shows in Ann Arbor, Chicago, and Minneapolis. And my soul has not ceased singing it for him since late August 2019 - even when I'm in the midst of other songs for other people, this song's thread is woven inside and through me as well.
My song in my soul for Dave is a very different song - it's a song of love as a healer and forgiveness for past sins and second chances now you've earned it to become better than you were. And it's a song of my yearning for a place to land, where I can rest and heal and grow good things - my yearning for a love I can trust to cherish me as I am and not to cut me this time. It's another facet in my nature - it's the eternal trust of love earned welcoming you back, rather than the acceptance of karmic justice of ma'at leave taking.
Perhaps, if he chooses aright and learns the lessons he must, then in the fullness of time, I can sing in my soul the song of love and coming home for Eric. But that time is not now.... And I don't know when it will ever be. I can't see that from here. It all depends on him and his choices....and I can't do that for him. So I'll set my course to wander by Sirius & Orion for my lifetimes, til I find myself in a safe harbor of love or a place of battles for me to fight depending on if it's a reward life or a warrioress life.
And for now, I'm heeding the song in my soul for Dave as it guides me like a beacon brings me joy and peace, rather than leaving me adrift at sea cold and alone.
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Ooft. Where to start tho? i need to vent. I hate to throw anyone under the bus, especially family.... but sometimes, you just have to throw someone under the fucking bus when they keep leaping out in front of it and won't listen to anyone else, y'know?
Right, so i talked about the flooding at my grandma's condo and the remodel of the entryway and all that back in the Spring, yeah? If not. That was a thing. I'll circle back to it. Eventually. this is a fuck of a story. It's not gonna seem like i will, but I will.....
So, yeah. back in December, remember my grandma had a bad fall and was on the floor for a long time and my aunt couldn't drop off groceries and so i ran over with the extra set of keys (which i have as the one who takes grandma on the vast majority of her errands but i keep at work so my parents and uncle who work here can get it in case I'm out of town or they can't reach me -- and my aunt could always swing by to get it if needed.
Wait, back up. You know that I've stepped up more and more to take my grandma to her appointments, take her shopping, take her to the bank to run errands, etc. I generally spend about 4-12 hours assisting her per week, sometimes more like 16-20 hours if she has a lot going on. Obviously if I'm out of town I don't, but like, that's one of the things I do to fill my time as well as work and all the concerts and travel i choose to do. I spend a lot of time taking care of my grandma because she needs it and I can. Like, to the extent that it's now a standing joke with my closest friends that when they ask, "How are you doing Dani?" the very first thing I blurt out is, "I need to call my grandma."
Right. So. The fall in December.
My aunt wanted me to just let her in, already had groceries she bought while at the store at the front door, and impatient to get inside drop them off so she could go to her friend's to dance because it's her "one night of freedom." So my aunt barrels past me while I'm still turning the key back round and round to pull it out of the front door (it's a tricky lock, you have to turn it around several times, and the key is not one you can copy or take anywhere to get copied except at the original locksmith that barrelled it and that requires a handwritten note, in person, from the condo company to get extras made. No joke.) So my aunt barrels through, gets to the door of grandma's unit (unlocked) and shoves the door open into grandma's knees on the floor. She drops the groceries just to the right of the door, where the grandfather clock is then stands over grandma freaking out, "MOM ARE YOU OKAY?! DANI SHE FELL! DANI WE NEED TO MOVE HER!" By the time I'm at the door, my aunt is straddled over my grandma's hips right in the angle of the open door and grandma's legs are blocking the door from opening further and I physically cannot get through between the door, the bags of groceries, my aunt, and the grandfather clock to even get inside the door..... I have my phone in my hand to call 911 and I'm trying to tell my aunt NOT to move her and asking grandma the questions about how she got there and my grandma is insisting she can't stand. My aunt insists, "I'M AS STRONG AS ANY OF MY BROTHERS, I CAN MOVE HER!" And I'm telling her, "Lin! STOP! You CAN'T move her!!" and she says, "OH YES I CAN! SAME AS ANY OF MY BROTHERS WOULD!" and I tell her and grandma, "But Lin, they WOULDN'T move her! If she fell on her back or neck, you could kill her or paralyze her trying to move her. I need to call an ambulance NOW, so EMT can do this right!" and she just bends over, puts her arms under my grandma's armpits and says, "Wrap your arms around my neck ma, trust me." At this point, my grandma is lying on her back, my aunt is straddling her hips in the hallway and bending over lifting my grandma up facing her with her arms under my grandma's armpits trying to lift her -- I could physically slam the door open and potentially snap my grandma's legs to try to get inside to physically tackle my aunt into the wall to stop her and that's physically it -- and all of the I'd have to do over the top of my grandma's prone body on the tiles of the living room where we don't know how she fell or what she hit....
So then my aunt lifts her up that way, arms under the armpits curving grandma's spine, grandma's feet dragging and insists on carrying her to grandma's bed.-- smacking her arm into the doorframe multiple times to do this leaving massive bruising and a fracture. My choices at the point I can even get in the door are to let her do this unassisted, try to tackle her and have her drop grandma, or at least help grab grandma's legs so they aren't dragging and smacking against the ground. I chose c.
The night only got worse and more chaotic from there. I kept insisting grandma had to go in, my aunt only wanted to get paid for the groceries she had bought then go to her friends house, and every time I got grandma (who clearly had some mbt issues from her fall) to agree to let me call, my aunt would fly in in a tizzy insisting it wasn't necessary and didn't want me to stay because she had to leave etc etc. Finally I got my aunt out of there by telling her we'd done as much as we could for grandma right then, walked my aunt to her car and she was on a high of adrenaline thinking how great she was and how impressive and proud everyone should be at the strength needed to move grandma -- and I just can't wait for her to leave so i can get my grandma to the fucking ER to get her x-rays and MRI to check what damage happened in the fall and then after my aunt moving her. So my aunt leaves, and I get my parents to come because if I can't get grandma to let me call an ambulance for her, I want my da (who is bigger and stronger than me) to be there to lift grandma in and out of a wheelchair to take her in......
So my parents come and they're FURIOUS but they know how my aunt is and after seeing how I described it in the hallway they understood the physical limits, and my parents took grandma to the ER with my da lifting her in and out of the chair. And there they got an earful from the ER about having moved her instead of calling an ambulance and when they explained about what my aunt had done over my objections, the staff in the ER were even more livid but agreed that by that point, it was the best could be done and reiterated the "never move someone who has fallen onto their back/neck and can't get up on their own which we three already knew.....
Now, unfortunately, over the objections of everyone else in the family, my grandma had made my aunt power of attorney and power of medical in an emergency about 10 years or so ago and it has never been changed. the logic being that her husband is a doctor so she'll make the best choices. And my parents are too busy with the business that it would be a burden on them. And her other two sons are...not the best... with money matters. Right.
So while my grandma was in hospital with a vetebral fracture from the fall, massive bruising and swelling in her arm from my aunt banging it against the doorframe, an mbti from the fall (this is typical with a hard fall to give yourself a minor concussion) AND we learned she had some form of infection raging through her that they started her on antibiotics to solve. So during this time, while my grandma is concussed, my aunt tries to bring in people to declare my grandma mentally incompetent and invoke power of attorney and power of medical.... the compromise is home health services will be stopping by for everything my aunt signed her up for (PT, OT, and LT which is really to assess for dementia.) My aunt schedules all these things, doesn't tell my grandma or anyone else when they are, then freaks out that she can't be there for these appointments and my grandma didn't know about them so didn't want to let strangers in for appointments she knows nothing about.... So my aunt tries to use this to prove mentalincompetence and then instead I end up saying I'll take on the appointments with home health care, I call them to apologize and reschedule and explain that my aunt who set the appointments never informed anyone else about them, including my grandmother, and had assumed my grandma would just let strangers in without anyone being there -- but henceforth i would get there early and be there for appointments and put them on a calendar for grandma if they scheduled with me and I would be present but silent unless needed at all appointments unless they decided I was in the way.
Fastforward to the end of all of these appointment where I had to go over to grandma's literally every day of the week, but in late January they released her deemed that grandma's memory was fine after extended observations though she was a bit more vague on some details than any of us would like. I continued to take her to her appointments, including her regular doctor with an added gerontology appointment for late April to get a full assessment of her cognitive functions JUST IN CASE and to allay Lin's insistence she's incompetent. Thus far, Lin has failed at getting two medical doctors to say she's incompetent, which is what's needed to get power of attorney and power of medical transferred without grandma's approval.
So then, in mid-February, i head out to visit my sister in Kirkland. While I'm out there, Seattle and Kirkland specifically are the epicenter of Covid-19 in the US (mostly because it's where testing was done by a doctor doing a flu study despite CDC telling her she couldn't test for covid-19) and right down the road from my sister's place was the nursing home where 19 residents died form someone bringing it in. That happened the Sunday before I was flying home on Tuesday.... So I and all my family (except my aunt) agreed that even though I spent almost all my time alone in their house/garden while out there, I still MAY have been exposed on the few times I went out or from my family or at Sea-Tac and thus I needed to self-isolate from grandma, any high risk people I knew, and anyone who would be going to see grandma (who's 83) for at last 2 weeks after my return. Grandma had a cavity fill dental appointment that we had to scramble for someone else to take her to since I couldn't and my aunt wouldn't (she doesn't work -- she keeps house and works in a massive organic garden while her husband works at the VA hospital and she has to pick up the girls from school and have dinner ready for him when he gets home or he gets ornery) so one of my uncles was taking off work to do it. But then my grandma was dizzy and cancelled anyway.
Right, so then, because I had no symptoms and had encountered nobody actually sick with it, I chose to go to several more Socks in the Frying Pan and WB3 shows before the rest of the tour was cancelled and while i was careful with distancing at shows and doing my best, I did not fully self-quarantine and did attend those shows because I figured with the numbers of it in WI, me being careful as long as I had no symptoms was LESS LIKELY to get anyone sick than people not being careful not caring who were already carrying it in the crowd. (Nobody I've interacted with out in Kirkland OR at the shows has gotten sick nor have I had any symptoms. So I have no guilt about my choices.) This did mean restarting my 2 weeks of self-imposed isolation from my grandma and anyone visiting her or coworkers with risk factors to start March 13 instead of March 3.
In the space of that time, my aunt started insisting that SHE was washing grandma who couldn't bathe herself, change her clothes, or cook for herself and whose memory had deteriorated to the point she nearly microwaved a spoon in the oven and couldn't turn off the stove and was a danger to herself.... My grandma, meanwhile, was insisting that she could shower herself and did but that the lightheadedness and dizzy spells were getting worse and when they were bad she wouldn't shower for fear of falling.
IN MY TIME OF ABSENCE WHILE SELF-ISOLATING FROM MY GRANDMA, my aunt created and filled out legal documents for my grandma to give her power of attorney control of her bank accounts and ordered new checkbooks with my aunt's name on them as well as my grandma's (none of this with my grandma's approval) and took my grandma to a bank drive through to have her sign this document saying that grandma okayed it because otherwise my aunt wasn't allowed to help pay her bills for her. (Not even true.)
Then, Evers cancelled school as part of safer a thome. And suddenly, my aunt decides she doesn't have time and can't be managing my grandma's affairs because she has to be at home to home school the kids so they won't fall behind where they should be for next year. Not school assigned curriculum -- her created curriculum for them. So she declared earlier this week that if I won't agree to bathe my grandma twice a week since my uant won't, then my aunt is going to hire OUTSIDE ASSISTANCE to do this during covid-19 lockdown. All of this over the objections of EVEREYONE ELSE in the family including my grandma insisting she doesn't need anyone to bathe her and she doesn't want ANYONE coming into her home unnecessarily during the pandemic, but if anyone must it should be family who are being careful and she wants to know where I am and when I'll get back to buying her groceries.... I told my aunt that I'm not comfortable bathing grandma in a sliding glass door shower that isn't handicapped accessible or meant for two people, particularly as I lack the nursing training for how best to assist her to reduce the chances of her falling from my attempts to assist -- and to wait because there has to be another solution than hiring someone for assistance nobody but my aunt thinks is needed or asking me to fight my grandma force me to bathe her against her will in an unsafe set of conditions when i do not have the training to do it safely so she won't fall. My aunt said grandma chose her to make the decisions and she was hiring someone to come in regardless what my grandma or me or anyone else in the family said. (I also HAVE been to visit my grandma earlier this week and to take care of some things for her and to talk to her because that's part of what i do with her -- I'm someone she talks to about her grief over Richard's death and her loneliness and her anxieties.... And she told me that around the time I got back but couldn't see her, she was struck by intense profound loneliness....and we had a long talk about that.... And I checked through all the things my aunt insisted had to be done -- by someone else -- and none of them needed doing.)
So then starting Wednesday night, the night after my visit, my aunt went full blown Napoleon, refused to listen to anyone's input but her own, told my dad he legally couldn't do anything about it and she was calling the people to come in and take care of her because she didn't want this ruining her relationship with her mom that nobody but her was going to bathe grandma and she didn't have to listen to anyone but her own self about it as long as she knew she was acting from a place of love. So my parents, my uncle in town (the other is out in Montana right now doing some work on my parents place out there), and I have all been scrambling to do whatever we legally can to stop my aunt from ruining my grandma's life and getting her killed by being mentally incompetent for not letting strangers in or potentially introducing covid-19 into her house.
Anyway, my parents got a fmaily friend who does air vent work in with UV light to FINALLY check for mold spores as I've been insisting since the flooding hi to be done but I couldn't make happen without my grandma or aunt approving and they both kept pooh-poohing me. And after the fall and my grandma's dizziness getting worse and worse and that unknown infection and no other medical reasons for the dizziness because we tested for them, i CONTINUOUSLY asked my aunt to let us test for mold after all that flooding (told you I'd get back to it) because I KNEW it had to be there with how bad the entryway was and my aunt flat out told me to shut up about the mold and to help her focus on helping grandma who wasn't competent to live on her own anymore..... So my parents got their friend in and cleaned as much as we could get under UV light and put a UV filter on her HVAC units and my mom put the fear of God in the condo management company that they hadn't properly done ANY of this in their "assessments" of the unit and how this has longterm led to the decline and symptoms of an 83 year old unit owner.... AND my aunt came in during the check for the mold,s aw it all under the UV light, realized how terribly she'd fucked up, and my dad confronted her in front of my grandma about her having hired outside people to bathe grandma who were to come in that day (my grandma didn't want to believe my parents or me that my aunt had done any of this behind her back) and that got canceled at least (because unbeknownst to my aunt, the company she picked is actually a client and owned by a friend of my parents).... And my grandma's unit is scheduled for remediation for the mold but she's still in there not allowed in the other two rooms but the primary HVAC has the UV filter on it and they're going back to do some further work with the air vent heating friend (who is in full protective gear and thus not a covid-19 risk.)
Also, throughout the entire time of my absence, my aunt has been stealing the key she "happened to find under a flower pot to get in and when I've said, "You mean Renée's key?" (grandma's upstairs neighbor) my aunt kept saying, no it was grandma's extra. And I've been saying, if it's the one udner the flowerpot, it belongs to Renée so she can get back in after taking her dog Max (a Sheltie, very nice dog) on a walk if someone closes the door and she left her main keyring upstairs. So on Thursday, my aunt just took that key so she'd have it to let in the people she hired on Friday -- and Renée came down asking if anyone had seen her key during the middle of all of this with the mold cleaning and confronting my aunt etc. I mean, I couldn't write this level of TV show comedy comeuppance if i tried... I can't believe my aunt fucking stole Renée's key because she felt entitled to it as hers to access my grandma!!! I mean, I CAN given all the rest, but OMG!!!!!!
My grandmother has insisted she CAN bathe herself just fine, especially since the shower bars the OT and grandma and I discussed and laid out have been put in, she would just be more comfortable if someone could be present in the unit IN CASE she falls with how lightheaded and dizzy she's been getting (from the mold spores) but she can absolutely do it herself. So I will be there next week to be present but not bathing her and to do her shopping. My aunt said she'll stop by 'for a visit, but refuses to do anything further but pick up groceries at places she's already going that day to do her own shopping." My aunt refuses to take her name off the bank accounts and my grandma won't believe it til the checkbooks come in to prove it... Which should be further along in the remediation for the mold so the vagueness that's been getting worse that my granda's been fighting should improve markedly....
Do I want to be visiting my grandma during lockdown? No -- I'm really afraid I may be an asymptomatic carrier to her and I promised my sister not to let anyone make stupid choices that get GiGi killed. (my nephew and niece call her GiGi -- when we were kids, my sister and I called our great-grandmas GGB and GGL and GGH to stand in for great-grandma and then their last names. Thus GiGi for my grandma R they've met and GiGi Mitsy for my grandma D.) That said, I set my own hours (our business is deemed 'essential" and so I still have a job and what i do requires I be there in person sicne I have yet to master telekinetically alphabetizing and filing paperwork) which I do mainly at night and weekends through this to minimize contact with other people and I only shop early morning hours where possible. Honestly my biggest vector is taking my dog on a fucking walk because people are housebound stir crazy, entertaining themselves by going on unnecessary walks, not giving enough social distancing space on sidewalks or trails.....
But if I don't go take care of her, there's nobody else to do it except my aunt who refuses to help if she can't just make decisions and be trusted to make them in grandma's best interests and around her schedule of her choosing to homeschool the twins, which means we can let my aunt make an even bigger fucking mess of things (and imperil my grandma's life by her choices) by hiring people in to do these things... or i can do it. And I can control how many vectors of contamination I'm opening myself to -- I can't control some hired service we don't need to be hiring and we're trusting they're "clean" because they don't have a fever that morning coming in to my grandma's house. And the remediation for the mold is enough of a concern.....I'll take my chances on me and what I can control given this hand.....
I've still never had any symptoms, nor has anyone I know or have been in contact with... but still. It's a roll of the dice for ANYONE entering her home. If we can minimize that to me and I can minimize my human interactions down to just me and the dog at night, at the office, the door handles in my condo building, anyone I run into at the grocery store (Willy St Co-Op has VERY strict rules about how many people can be inside though and they have from the start) and then me only taking the dog on walks off peak hours or in commercial areas where there's nobody out, then it's the best I can do here.....
There's still more battle with my aunt to deal with to untangle this fucking mess. AND there's the question of getting the mold out of my grandma's system and her condo and getting her mentally sharp enough to realize and remove my aunt from all power of attorney and power of health -- and then it'll likely fall on me and I've said I'd do it PROVIDED there's a clause that I discuss with all 4 of her kids and come to a majority consensus prior to me doing anything.....
But yeah, all of that has been going on in my life throughout my since Eric's decision to go live on the band insta account and ignore every means I attempted to tell him why that was unfair and ostracizing fans that i reached my internal breaking point of, "FUCK BRITTANY AND ALL OF HER FUCKING MIND GAMES AND FUCK ERIC FOR PLAYING THE FUCK ALONG AND NOT HAVING BACKBONE ENOUGH TO STAND BY 'WRONG IS WRONG IS WRONG' AND TO CALL OUT EVEN LOVED ONES WHEN THEY'RE INVOLVED IN DELIBERATE SYSTEMS OF INJUSTICE OR OSTRACISM. I DON'T HAVE THE NERGY OR PATIENCE FOR THESE FUCKING GAMES ANY LONGER!"
O thinking of which! I heard Eric breaking inside tonight (last night now) even more than he has been since the 30tj (I do hear how hard he's hurting and struggling to distract himself from facing that hurt - but I've been pushing it away from my consciousness because I can't save him from himself and his choices, he must choose differently before I can reopen the ties between us.) So hearing his inner struggle and depths of hurting, I had a momentary weakness was going to go search up his insta check in on him now that I unfollowed him. And EVERY time, I tried, my Insta would lock up tell me, "Unfortunately, instagram has stopped working" and I could click report or okay. And I could not for the life of me get it to function til I internally said, 'Alright! Alright! I'll not check in on him. No matter how much he hurts, this is of his own making and only he can fix it and only by addressing this major fuckup that brittany created and has spread to poison everything done in the name of the band on their official instagram as a result of her refusal to acknowledge the wrongs she did and her mistakes. If he can't clean up this mess he made by enabling his sister's ego sicknesses, then there's nothing there for me and I need to keep my cut ties cleanly cut." And as soon as I accepted that truth from the Universe, my Instagram started working again -- as long as I stayed away from search and stayed strong in the fact I wasn't going to let me reattach cords to Eric if he wasn't willing to face this and fix the mess that his sister created and he took active part in making worse.
But it was funny, how random yet specific that was.... It was like the Universe telling me that even if I'm moved by compassion to relent and ease his hurting, that Door must remain closed til he learns his lessons and becomes a better man who understands why this behavior of Britt's and him being an active enabler of it was so ethically wrong. The Universe is making it clear I did all I could, these were his choices that closed the Door, and so only his choices can ever reopen it.....
O and then also, for no reason at all other than me mentioning on Weds that Weds wasn't a great day due to me waking up after subluxating my shoulder again in my sleep and the bad pain then having to shove it back in and now in a bit of constant pain until those ligaments heal up again (this happens to me intermttently -- too flexible in the arms and shoulders) so Dave released a tune of him and Mohsin from Talisk on his personal insta, dropped in on Fergal's live hour (the band have a schedule so they're giving something to fans every day and taking turns at it) AND tonight did a solo acoustic "thank you we love you and we want to help get you through these times" of Light In The Sky posted to the closed group for Crew AND he dmed me checking in on my shoulder. Like he's already doing so much, to then do extra tunes and recordings and reaching out to me just made me feel so spoiled....
Didn't burden Dave with any of the stuff about my grandma in detail, just told him that the family drama was mending as best as it could be forced to med and unless he wanted the whole saga we could leave it at that.
And. i have to say, I'm so impressed with Dave and the strength and purpose and light in him that he's found to help him hold others up and lift them up through this time. I'm just so very proud of him and how he's handling all of everything with his quarantine.....
Right, so i talked about the flooding at my grandma's condo and the remodel of the entryway and all that back in the Spring, yeah? If not. That was a thing. I'll circle back to it. Eventually. this is a fuck of a story. It's not gonna seem like i will, but I will.....
So, yeah. back in December, remember my grandma had a bad fall and was on the floor for a long time and my aunt couldn't drop off groceries and so i ran over with the extra set of keys (which i have as the one who takes grandma on the vast majority of her errands but i keep at work so my parents and uncle who work here can get it in case I'm out of town or they can't reach me -- and my aunt could always swing by to get it if needed.
Wait, back up. You know that I've stepped up more and more to take my grandma to her appointments, take her shopping, take her to the bank to run errands, etc. I generally spend about 4-12 hours assisting her per week, sometimes more like 16-20 hours if she has a lot going on. Obviously if I'm out of town I don't, but like, that's one of the things I do to fill my time as well as work and all the concerts and travel i choose to do. I spend a lot of time taking care of my grandma because she needs it and I can. Like, to the extent that it's now a standing joke with my closest friends that when they ask, "How are you doing Dani?" the very first thing I blurt out is, "I need to call my grandma."
Right. So. The fall in December.
My aunt wanted me to just let her in, already had groceries she bought while at the store at the front door, and impatient to get inside drop them off so she could go to her friend's to dance because it's her "one night of freedom." So my aunt barrels past me while I'm still turning the key back round and round to pull it out of the front door (it's a tricky lock, you have to turn it around several times, and the key is not one you can copy or take anywhere to get copied except at the original locksmith that barrelled it and that requires a handwritten note, in person, from the condo company to get extras made. No joke.) So my aunt barrels through, gets to the door of grandma's unit (unlocked) and shoves the door open into grandma's knees on the floor. She drops the groceries just to the right of the door, where the grandfather clock is then stands over grandma freaking out, "MOM ARE YOU OKAY?! DANI SHE FELL! DANI WE NEED TO MOVE HER!" By the time I'm at the door, my aunt is straddled over my grandma's hips right in the angle of the open door and grandma's legs are blocking the door from opening further and I physically cannot get through between the door, the bags of groceries, my aunt, and the grandfather clock to even get inside the door..... I have my phone in my hand to call 911 and I'm trying to tell my aunt NOT to move her and asking grandma the questions about how she got there and my grandma is insisting she can't stand. My aunt insists, "I'M AS STRONG AS ANY OF MY BROTHERS, I CAN MOVE HER!" And I'm telling her, "Lin! STOP! You CAN'T move her!!" and she says, "OH YES I CAN! SAME AS ANY OF MY BROTHERS WOULD!" and I tell her and grandma, "But Lin, they WOULDN'T move her! If she fell on her back or neck, you could kill her or paralyze her trying to move her. I need to call an ambulance NOW, so EMT can do this right!" and she just bends over, puts her arms under my grandma's armpits and says, "Wrap your arms around my neck ma, trust me." At this point, my grandma is lying on her back, my aunt is straddling her hips in the hallway and bending over lifting my grandma up facing her with her arms under my grandma's armpits trying to lift her -- I could physically slam the door open and potentially snap my grandma's legs to try to get inside to physically tackle my aunt into the wall to stop her and that's physically it -- and all of the I'd have to do over the top of my grandma's prone body on the tiles of the living room where we don't know how she fell or what she hit....
So then my aunt lifts her up that way, arms under the armpits curving grandma's spine, grandma's feet dragging and insists on carrying her to grandma's bed.-- smacking her arm into the doorframe multiple times to do this leaving massive bruising and a fracture. My choices at the point I can even get in the door are to let her do this unassisted, try to tackle her and have her drop grandma, or at least help grab grandma's legs so they aren't dragging and smacking against the ground. I chose c.
The night only got worse and more chaotic from there. I kept insisting grandma had to go in, my aunt only wanted to get paid for the groceries she had bought then go to her friends house, and every time I got grandma (who clearly had some mbt issues from her fall) to agree to let me call, my aunt would fly in in a tizzy insisting it wasn't necessary and didn't want me to stay because she had to leave etc etc. Finally I got my aunt out of there by telling her we'd done as much as we could for grandma right then, walked my aunt to her car and she was on a high of adrenaline thinking how great she was and how impressive and proud everyone should be at the strength needed to move grandma -- and I just can't wait for her to leave so i can get my grandma to the fucking ER to get her x-rays and MRI to check what damage happened in the fall and then after my aunt moving her. So my aunt leaves, and I get my parents to come because if I can't get grandma to let me call an ambulance for her, I want my da (who is bigger and stronger than me) to be there to lift grandma in and out of a wheelchair to take her in......
So my parents come and they're FURIOUS but they know how my aunt is and after seeing how I described it in the hallway they understood the physical limits, and my parents took grandma to the ER with my da lifting her in and out of the chair. And there they got an earful from the ER about having moved her instead of calling an ambulance and when they explained about what my aunt had done over my objections, the staff in the ER were even more livid but agreed that by that point, it was the best could be done and reiterated the "never move someone who has fallen onto their back/neck and can't get up on their own which we three already knew.....
Now, unfortunately, over the objections of everyone else in the family, my grandma had made my aunt power of attorney and power of medical in an emergency about 10 years or so ago and it has never been changed. the logic being that her husband is a doctor so she'll make the best choices. And my parents are too busy with the business that it would be a burden on them. And her other two sons are...not the best... with money matters. Right.
So while my grandma was in hospital with a vetebral fracture from the fall, massive bruising and swelling in her arm from my aunt banging it against the doorframe, an mbti from the fall (this is typical with a hard fall to give yourself a minor concussion) AND we learned she had some form of infection raging through her that they started her on antibiotics to solve. So during this time, while my grandma is concussed, my aunt tries to bring in people to declare my grandma mentally incompetent and invoke power of attorney and power of medical.... the compromise is home health services will be stopping by for everything my aunt signed her up for (PT, OT, and LT which is really to assess for dementia.) My aunt schedules all these things, doesn't tell my grandma or anyone else when they are, then freaks out that she can't be there for these appointments and my grandma didn't know about them so didn't want to let strangers in for appointments she knows nothing about.... So my aunt tries to use this to prove mentalincompetence and then instead I end up saying I'll take on the appointments with home health care, I call them to apologize and reschedule and explain that my aunt who set the appointments never informed anyone else about them, including my grandmother, and had assumed my grandma would just let strangers in without anyone being there -- but henceforth i would get there early and be there for appointments and put them on a calendar for grandma if they scheduled with me and I would be present but silent unless needed at all appointments unless they decided I was in the way.
Fastforward to the end of all of these appointment where I had to go over to grandma's literally every day of the week, but in late January they released her deemed that grandma's memory was fine after extended observations though she was a bit more vague on some details than any of us would like. I continued to take her to her appointments, including her regular doctor with an added gerontology appointment for late April to get a full assessment of her cognitive functions JUST IN CASE and to allay Lin's insistence she's incompetent. Thus far, Lin has failed at getting two medical doctors to say she's incompetent, which is what's needed to get power of attorney and power of medical transferred without grandma's approval.
So then, in mid-February, i head out to visit my sister in Kirkland. While I'm out there, Seattle and Kirkland specifically are the epicenter of Covid-19 in the US (mostly because it's where testing was done by a doctor doing a flu study despite CDC telling her she couldn't test for covid-19) and right down the road from my sister's place was the nursing home where 19 residents died form someone bringing it in. That happened the Sunday before I was flying home on Tuesday.... So I and all my family (except my aunt) agreed that even though I spent almost all my time alone in their house/garden while out there, I still MAY have been exposed on the few times I went out or from my family or at Sea-Tac and thus I needed to self-isolate from grandma, any high risk people I knew, and anyone who would be going to see grandma (who's 83) for at last 2 weeks after my return. Grandma had a cavity fill dental appointment that we had to scramble for someone else to take her to since I couldn't and my aunt wouldn't (she doesn't work -- she keeps house and works in a massive organic garden while her husband works at the VA hospital and she has to pick up the girls from school and have dinner ready for him when he gets home or he gets ornery) so one of my uncles was taking off work to do it. But then my grandma was dizzy and cancelled anyway.
Right, so then, because I had no symptoms and had encountered nobody actually sick with it, I chose to go to several more Socks in the Frying Pan and WB3 shows before the rest of the tour was cancelled and while i was careful with distancing at shows and doing my best, I did not fully self-quarantine and did attend those shows because I figured with the numbers of it in WI, me being careful as long as I had no symptoms was LESS LIKELY to get anyone sick than people not being careful not caring who were already carrying it in the crowd. (Nobody I've interacted with out in Kirkland OR at the shows has gotten sick nor have I had any symptoms. So I have no guilt about my choices.) This did mean restarting my 2 weeks of self-imposed isolation from my grandma and anyone visiting her or coworkers with risk factors to start March 13 instead of March 3.
In the space of that time, my aunt started insisting that SHE was washing grandma who couldn't bathe herself, change her clothes, or cook for herself and whose memory had deteriorated to the point she nearly microwaved a spoon in the oven and couldn't turn off the stove and was a danger to herself.... My grandma, meanwhile, was insisting that she could shower herself and did but that the lightheadedness and dizzy spells were getting worse and when they were bad she wouldn't shower for fear of falling.
IN MY TIME OF ABSENCE WHILE SELF-ISOLATING FROM MY GRANDMA, my aunt created and filled out legal documents for my grandma to give her power of attorney control of her bank accounts and ordered new checkbooks with my aunt's name on them as well as my grandma's (none of this with my grandma's approval) and took my grandma to a bank drive through to have her sign this document saying that grandma okayed it because otherwise my aunt wasn't allowed to help pay her bills for her. (Not even true.)
Then, Evers cancelled school as part of safer a thome. And suddenly, my aunt decides she doesn't have time and can't be managing my grandma's affairs because she has to be at home to home school the kids so they won't fall behind where they should be for next year. Not school assigned curriculum -- her created curriculum for them. So she declared earlier this week that if I won't agree to bathe my grandma twice a week since my uant won't, then my aunt is going to hire OUTSIDE ASSISTANCE to do this during covid-19 lockdown. All of this over the objections of EVEREYONE ELSE in the family including my grandma insisting she doesn't need anyone to bathe her and she doesn't want ANYONE coming into her home unnecessarily during the pandemic, but if anyone must it should be family who are being careful and she wants to know where I am and when I'll get back to buying her groceries.... I told my aunt that I'm not comfortable bathing grandma in a sliding glass door shower that isn't handicapped accessible or meant for two people, particularly as I lack the nursing training for how best to assist her to reduce the chances of her falling from my attempts to assist -- and to wait because there has to be another solution than hiring someone for assistance nobody but my aunt thinks is needed or asking me to fight my grandma force me to bathe her against her will in an unsafe set of conditions when i do not have the training to do it safely so she won't fall. My aunt said grandma chose her to make the decisions and she was hiring someone to come in regardless what my grandma or me or anyone else in the family said. (I also HAVE been to visit my grandma earlier this week and to take care of some things for her and to talk to her because that's part of what i do with her -- I'm someone she talks to about her grief over Richard's death and her loneliness and her anxieties.... And she told me that around the time I got back but couldn't see her, she was struck by intense profound loneliness....and we had a long talk about that.... And I checked through all the things my aunt insisted had to be done -- by someone else -- and none of them needed doing.)
So then starting Wednesday night, the night after my visit, my aunt went full blown Napoleon, refused to listen to anyone's input but her own, told my dad he legally couldn't do anything about it and she was calling the people to come in and take care of her because she didn't want this ruining her relationship with her mom that nobody but her was going to bathe grandma and she didn't have to listen to anyone but her own self about it as long as she knew she was acting from a place of love. So my parents, my uncle in town (the other is out in Montana right now doing some work on my parents place out there), and I have all been scrambling to do whatever we legally can to stop my aunt from ruining my grandma's life and getting her killed by being mentally incompetent for not letting strangers in or potentially introducing covid-19 into her house.
Anyway, my parents got a fmaily friend who does air vent work in with UV light to FINALLY check for mold spores as I've been insisting since the flooding hi to be done but I couldn't make happen without my grandma or aunt approving and they both kept pooh-poohing me. And after the fall and my grandma's dizziness getting worse and worse and that unknown infection and no other medical reasons for the dizziness because we tested for them, i CONTINUOUSLY asked my aunt to let us test for mold after all that flooding (told you I'd get back to it) because I KNEW it had to be there with how bad the entryway was and my aunt flat out told me to shut up about the mold and to help her focus on helping grandma who wasn't competent to live on her own anymore..... So my parents got their friend in and cleaned as much as we could get under UV light and put a UV filter on her HVAC units and my mom put the fear of God in the condo management company that they hadn't properly done ANY of this in their "assessments" of the unit and how this has longterm led to the decline and symptoms of an 83 year old unit owner.... AND my aunt came in during the check for the mold,s aw it all under the UV light, realized how terribly she'd fucked up, and my dad confronted her in front of my grandma about her having hired outside people to bathe grandma who were to come in that day (my grandma didn't want to believe my parents or me that my aunt had done any of this behind her back) and that got canceled at least (because unbeknownst to my aunt, the company she picked is actually a client and owned by a friend of my parents).... And my grandma's unit is scheduled for remediation for the mold but she's still in there not allowed in the other two rooms but the primary HVAC has the UV filter on it and they're going back to do some further work with the air vent heating friend (who is in full protective gear and thus not a covid-19 risk.)
Also, throughout the entire time of my absence, my aunt has been stealing the key she "happened to find under a flower pot to get in and when I've said, "You mean Renée's key?" (grandma's upstairs neighbor) my aunt kept saying, no it was grandma's extra. And I've been saying, if it's the one udner the flowerpot, it belongs to Renée so she can get back in after taking her dog Max (a Sheltie, very nice dog) on a walk if someone closes the door and she left her main keyring upstairs. So on Thursday, my aunt just took that key so she'd have it to let in the people she hired on Friday -- and Renée came down asking if anyone had seen her key during the middle of all of this with the mold cleaning and confronting my aunt etc. I mean, I couldn't write this level of TV show comedy comeuppance if i tried... I can't believe my aunt fucking stole Renée's key because she felt entitled to it as hers to access my grandma!!! I mean, I CAN given all the rest, but OMG!!!!!!
My grandmother has insisted she CAN bathe herself just fine, especially since the shower bars the OT and grandma and I discussed and laid out have been put in, she would just be more comfortable if someone could be present in the unit IN CASE she falls with how lightheaded and dizzy she's been getting (from the mold spores) but she can absolutely do it herself. So I will be there next week to be present but not bathing her and to do her shopping. My aunt said she'll stop by 'for a visit, but refuses to do anything further but pick up groceries at places she's already going that day to do her own shopping." My aunt refuses to take her name off the bank accounts and my grandma won't believe it til the checkbooks come in to prove it... Which should be further along in the remediation for the mold so the vagueness that's been getting worse that my granda's been fighting should improve markedly....
Do I want to be visiting my grandma during lockdown? No -- I'm really afraid I may be an asymptomatic carrier to her and I promised my sister not to let anyone make stupid choices that get GiGi killed. (my nephew and niece call her GiGi -- when we were kids, my sister and I called our great-grandmas GGB and GGL and GGH to stand in for great-grandma and then their last names. Thus GiGi for my grandma R they've met and GiGi Mitsy for my grandma D.) That said, I set my own hours (our business is deemed 'essential" and so I still have a job and what i do requires I be there in person sicne I have yet to master telekinetically alphabetizing and filing paperwork) which I do mainly at night and weekends through this to minimize contact with other people and I only shop early morning hours where possible. Honestly my biggest vector is taking my dog on a fucking walk because people are housebound stir crazy, entertaining themselves by going on unnecessary walks, not giving enough social distancing space on sidewalks or trails.....
But if I don't go take care of her, there's nobody else to do it except my aunt who refuses to help if she can't just make decisions and be trusted to make them in grandma's best interests and around her schedule of her choosing to homeschool the twins, which means we can let my aunt make an even bigger fucking mess of things (and imperil my grandma's life by her choices) by hiring people in to do these things... or i can do it. And I can control how many vectors of contamination I'm opening myself to -- I can't control some hired service we don't need to be hiring and we're trusting they're "clean" because they don't have a fever that morning coming in to my grandma's house. And the remediation for the mold is enough of a concern.....I'll take my chances on me and what I can control given this hand.....
I've still never had any symptoms, nor has anyone I know or have been in contact with... but still. It's a roll of the dice for ANYONE entering her home. If we can minimize that to me and I can minimize my human interactions down to just me and the dog at night, at the office, the door handles in my condo building, anyone I run into at the grocery store (Willy St Co-Op has VERY strict rules about how many people can be inside though and they have from the start) and then me only taking the dog on walks off peak hours or in commercial areas where there's nobody out, then it's the best I can do here.....
There's still more battle with my aunt to deal with to untangle this fucking mess. AND there's the question of getting the mold out of my grandma's system and her condo and getting her mentally sharp enough to realize and remove my aunt from all power of attorney and power of health -- and then it'll likely fall on me and I've said I'd do it PROVIDED there's a clause that I discuss with all 4 of her kids and come to a majority consensus prior to me doing anything.....
But yeah, all of that has been going on in my life throughout my since Eric's decision to go live on the band insta account and ignore every means I attempted to tell him why that was unfair and ostracizing fans that i reached my internal breaking point of, "FUCK BRITTANY AND ALL OF HER FUCKING MIND GAMES AND FUCK ERIC FOR PLAYING THE FUCK ALONG AND NOT HAVING BACKBONE ENOUGH TO STAND BY 'WRONG IS WRONG IS WRONG' AND TO CALL OUT EVEN LOVED ONES WHEN THEY'RE INVOLVED IN DELIBERATE SYSTEMS OF INJUSTICE OR OSTRACISM. I DON'T HAVE THE NERGY OR PATIENCE FOR THESE FUCKING GAMES ANY LONGER!"
O thinking of which! I heard Eric breaking inside tonight (last night now) even more than he has been since the 30tj (I do hear how hard he's hurting and struggling to distract himself from facing that hurt - but I've been pushing it away from my consciousness because I can't save him from himself and his choices, he must choose differently before I can reopen the ties between us.) So hearing his inner struggle and depths of hurting, I had a momentary weakness was going to go search up his insta check in on him now that I unfollowed him. And EVERY time, I tried, my Insta would lock up tell me, "Unfortunately, instagram has stopped working" and I could click report or okay. And I could not for the life of me get it to function til I internally said, 'Alright! Alright! I'll not check in on him. No matter how much he hurts, this is of his own making and only he can fix it and only by addressing this major fuckup that brittany created and has spread to poison everything done in the name of the band on their official instagram as a result of her refusal to acknowledge the wrongs she did and her mistakes. If he can't clean up this mess he made by enabling his sister's ego sicknesses, then there's nothing there for me and I need to keep my cut ties cleanly cut." And as soon as I accepted that truth from the Universe, my Instagram started working again -- as long as I stayed away from search and stayed strong in the fact I wasn't going to let me reattach cords to Eric if he wasn't willing to face this and fix the mess that his sister created and he took active part in making worse.
But it was funny, how random yet specific that was.... It was like the Universe telling me that even if I'm moved by compassion to relent and ease his hurting, that Door must remain closed til he learns his lessons and becomes a better man who understands why this behavior of Britt's and him being an active enabler of it was so ethically wrong. The Universe is making it clear I did all I could, these were his choices that closed the Door, and so only his choices can ever reopen it.....
O and then also, for no reason at all other than me mentioning on Weds that Weds wasn't a great day due to me waking up after subluxating my shoulder again in my sleep and the bad pain then having to shove it back in and now in a bit of constant pain until those ligaments heal up again (this happens to me intermttently -- too flexible in the arms and shoulders) so Dave released a tune of him and Mohsin from Talisk on his personal insta, dropped in on Fergal's live hour (the band have a schedule so they're giving something to fans every day and taking turns at it) AND tonight did a solo acoustic "thank you we love you and we want to help get you through these times" of Light In The Sky posted to the closed group for Crew AND he dmed me checking in on my shoulder. Like he's already doing so much, to then do extra tunes and recordings and reaching out to me just made me feel so spoiled....
Didn't burden Dave with any of the stuff about my grandma in detail, just told him that the family drama was mending as best as it could be forced to med and unless he wanted the whole saga we could leave it at that.
And. i have to say, I'm so impressed with Dave and the strength and purpose and light in him that he's found to help him hold others up and lift them up through this time. I'm just so very proud of him and how he's handling all of everything with his quarantine.....
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