I have thought about it, and I genuinely believe that whenever I do let me listen to The Light, I'm going to love everything about it musically, artistically, purposely (I don't think that's a word, or at least not the one I want - why did I construct this end of the sentence in adverb form anyway?!), the intent/purpose with which it was created, and for the message and inner place it was created from. I do genuinely believe that.
And that's why I refuse to listen to it yet. It's not out of pettiness or spite or anger. I want to listen to it from a place I can love it as the gift it was intended and crafted to be - with no poisons shadowing my ability to love it for what it is.
And I'm not there now. I'm sorry but I'm not. The easy road wasn't chosen, fuck ups were made and not cleaned up and instead y'all doubled down on, "we must be in the right because I refuse to accept we could have done so wrong" and you fucked it up worse. Literally shattered everything. I have no trust now in Liz, Britt, or Eric that they even care about how their actions cause hurt to others - and how deep it cut me to accept that evidence bleeds in me shallowest to deepest in that same order.
I can't fix what Eric broke when he listened to Britt followed her lead on this. I just can't. it's too broken now. Without properly acknowledging the fuckup then cleaning it up I'll always be wondering in some part of me when it's going to happen again. I'll be waiting for the smack from him deciding it doesn't matter how his actions and choices hurt me so long as someone he decides to trust rationalizes it for him. I'll be waiting for the next time Britt lashes out when she doesn't get to have things exactly her way and doesn't want to hear the honesty of why it can't be that way. Wondering constantly when someone else will influence him to follow their say instead of his own conscience, and how is that going to cut me? It's there now, that seed they planted, and the fruit of it is bitter and poisonous and deadly.... And I can't make that poison be something good. Not so long as anyone who was involved in growing this keeps trying to hide or pretend they didn't plant this and nurture it by trying to cover up and ignore this noxious weed since October 2018.
And since I can't heal this while I'm within the wreckage of every future path it destroyed, it's my choice to let go. To acknowledge what happened, to let go of all karmic bonds between me and them until they have learned the lessons that in some lifetime can bring us back to a point of healing these poisons so something good and new could be grown between us.
This is how I drain from me the damage and the hurt and my grief over the loss. I have to let go for now, and let go completely, so that I can heal me so I can come back from a place of love and only love later. Please don't expect or hold on to a hope that I'm coming back around to check in on you and you can win me back by reminding me what I love in you. It won't work - I know how deep my love is and all the reasons for it, it's as deep as the hurt in me of everywhere these poisons have touched. My love is the crack and the canyon in me into which every drop of the poisoned trust could seep. Please know that I can't come back to you from how deep that hurt is without first removing the poisons that are now intermixed with that love. I can't give you my love now without those poisons mixed into it.
You didn't choose the easy way, you didn't remove the wrong that was poisoning it and when I tried to warn you, every time you just added more poison. So now we have to do this the long hard way. And it's gonna hurt. Because the hard way means you accept my choice to let go so I can purge these poisons out of me. You can accept it now or accept it later, but I'm not coming back til the poisons are gone so I can come back from a place within me where there's once again only that deep clear shining bright light in me.
And it's only from that place, whenever I reach it, that I am willing to listen to The Light. I know everything Eric planned and crafted and wanted it to be. And I know how fucking hard he worked to get this gift from them just perfect. He threw all of himself into it in complete faith that if he could just get it perfect, he could make everything broken right again.... I know, love. I do know all that. And I honor the purity of intent and depth of love that went into it. And it's because of how deeply I honor all of that good and brightness I still see at the core of it, that I refuse to listen to it from any inner place except a place of untainted love.
And I can't give anything more here. I can't come back to give you the love you want - not til the poisons are removed.... And since you both were too cowardly to fix this the easy ways, I need to be brave enough to let go and purge out the poisons the hard way. And that is going to take some time - maybe more time than remains to any of us in this lifetime.... I'll get there, and this will be healed - but now we go by the long hard way to heal it. And I don't know how long it will take us to get there. Genuinely, future fate lines are such a tangled mess right now, globally, that I don't know how long. But we will get there. The hard way starts with me letting go completely of our karmic entanglements til these karmic lessons that created the poisons are learned (in Eric to listen to his own conscience/moral compass rather than heeding the peer pressure of praise/advice from others, and in Britt to have the courage to honestly acknowledge when she has done wrong even if her past acts were born of ill motives and shame her to have others know of it.) And then after I let them go til they heal the sources of the poisons by following their karmic paths, the hard way asks me to dig out and release every broken shattered piece of trust mixed into my love inside me. Every piece, even the most minuscule sliver, that feels hurt or betrayed or angry or grief-stricken toward either/both of them.
That's the only way I know how to heal this and to eventually come back to you from that place of shining clear deep love that you knew before. I won't come back to you til the poisons are all cleared out and thus there's only love in me. I won't put us through that brokenness and pain of coming back before I have cleansed out of me everything those poisons destroyed. And since you both refused the inner work to take the easy paths, now there's only the hard path that will require the same inner work AND me letting you go for however long your karmic path takes to finish that inner work AND me painfully pulling out every blood covered shard of that shattered trust and purging out all the poisons from the choices made that now taint my love for each of them individually and for the band as a whole - and now I have no one to help me with that cleanup. I just get to do it by myself, however long and however painful that extraction is.
And whatever untainted unpoisoned clear springs of love for someone else I turn to for strength while I seek somewhere to rest and shelter myself while I heal and clean up this mess so that this now poisoned spring inside me can be a pure source of light and love for you once more.....well that's my business, it's no longer yours. I hope you can find for yourself places of love and light to strengthen you on whatever path you now choose. Genuinely.
And the hard way, it's going to take time. Even for the parts I can do myself.... But there's nothing good that will grow between us til these poisons are cleaned up and healed - pretending otherwise will just leave them to fester and create worse problems later. This needs to be cleaned up, and since you two wouldn't choose to clean it the easier ways, I'm going to have to choose for us to let go to force the cleansing the harder way in faith that down the line after it's cleansed, our paths can reconverge for a true healing...
But I promise I will listen to The Light, eventually. Not yet. But someday I will. Once I have cleansed and healed this deep poisoned pain so I can accept the gift it was meant to be with the sort of love that the gift deserves.
That is the best I can do with this hand. Because the hard way to healing was chosen instead of the easy..... If there was another path open to heal this, I'd take it. But there isn't now. Now there's only the hard way. And it's going to take however long it takes and however far asunder it separates our paths before they come back together.... And right now, even I can't read the future potentials to have even an inkling of when, where, or in which life those healings will be completed....
[post title: the opening lines of the T. S. Eliot poem The Wasteland. The Wasteland is a forever favorite poem of mine - deep with layers of old meanings and symbolism to tease out from it.]
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