I said that I wasn't considering Dave as an option for me so long as he was in a relationship with Diana,  same as I wouldn't consider anyone if it involved betraying or lying to another third person. Dating someone else or being in a committed relationship with someone else always makes me remove a person from my dating options....it's how I am. But I don't believe I ever explained why I kept him at such a distance for so long, trying to keep myself out of his options, have I?  I had three reasons, and I do think they were solid reasons not rationalizing. I no longer give any of them enough weight to keep me from being an option for him,  but that doesn't invalidate them as potential barriers or reasons we wouldn't be good together....

1) The age difference - I'm 6.5 years older than him.  While that seemed like a bigger gap when he was 20 and didn't yet know himself or what he wanted for his life,  it's still a sizable age gap by most standards.  And I didn't know if it would bother him,  but honestly I figured he'd have no interest in me with that age gap and would be happier chasing girls his own age and any attraction between us was something he'd stop feeling when he fell in love with someone else closer to his age....

I was disabused of the idea he'd "get over" his desire of me in August at Milwaukee Irishfest. When they had a couple slow dancing to Marry Me Monday onstage before a proposal he'd planned out with the guy,  Diana was standing sidestage/backstage desperately trying to get him to look at her while they were still together - and for that entire song/surprise the ONLY thing Dave was looking at was me, memorizing every nuance of reaction that crossed my face...  That's not a man who gives a damn about the age difference or is in any way getting over his desire....

2) Dave wears a cross and I am not even the littlest bit Christian,  let alone Catholic. I (and any kids I ever have) will be Jewish by birth,  witch by blood right,  and more than a little pantheist pagan from me raising them...  I didn't know if that would be a problem for him or his family - his religious beliefs are between him and The Divine,  but a Christian I'll never be nor would I ever take Communion or have a Catholic wedding or anything of the sort...  And I don't/didn't know if that matters to him.

The cross was a gift from his mother as a child and he wears it all the time like a charm and as a gift from her - but he has very openly said that while raised Catholic,  his religious/spiritual beliefs have evolved since then.  And about 3 years ago when he was getting ready to make a move toward me I deliberately very visibly worn my Star of David with the symbols of the 12 tribes in each triangle (the center hexagon makes 6 triangles,  plus the 6 points) and told him my family is Jewish and I was born in Israel...  And then let him decide what to do with that and how he felt about it.  His reaction was to remind me of how we're the same,  to continue wanting me,  and to become more openly Universalist.

3) The first truth I ever recognized about him,  the very first I set eyes on him,  was that he had an incredibly deep capacity to love and that like a dog he was intensely loyal and would love whoever he gave his heart to in a way that was complete and lifelong.  The second thing was that his capacity to be hurt was as profound and as deep and intense as the way he gives his heart away.  And the third thing I realized was that I had an intense aversion to ever causing him hurt or being any part of destroying such a beautiful capacity for love. And all of that I realized during the verse of a song....

And that third thing has always been my biggest reason to try to keep him at a distance.  In part because I wanted him to figure himself out and what his heart truly desired so I wouldn't break it by accident,  neither of us knowing any better.  But more importantly, I didn't trust myself not to make choices to keep me from breaking his heart... Especially not with my heart being so constantly pulled toward Eric.  I knew I couldn't let myself break Dave's heart,  yet I didn't trust me that if I dated him I'd be able to choose him without my heart being drawn elsewhere.  And I decided I refused to date him or even let him ask me,  until I could trust myself to choose him wholeheartedly and with the same loyalty that is in his love.

And that has only been something I've trusted myself on since Eric's fuckup in August broke my ability to trust Eric - and Dave was still technically dating Diana, or at least at the end of his relationship with her and it was clear to me (and everyone else) from day 1 of them sleeping together that she intended to hang onto him tenaciously and marry him if she had any say in the matter. And I figured Dave's not wanting to hurt her by ending things was stronger in him than his desire of me.... so I just set aside the fact I could now trust myself to love him the way he deserved so I would not break his heart by my own weaknesses.  I accepted it as me having missed my chance with him....


But those were my three reasons to keep him at a distance and remove myself from his dating options regardless of how he felt about me.  And over the last 7.5 years,  Dave has slowly and systematically chiseled through those reasons and worked hard to remove them as barriers between him and what he seems entirely certain he wants.