*sigh* Why is it that parents always excuse the way they used you as their scapegoat for losing their temper by saying, "I don't like the tone you used" when anyone outside of them would objectively say there was no tone until the parents started yelling at them for not getting the response they desired.  The only "tone" was the word no saying they can't have things the way they want to order them to be.  I've seen it happen over and over and over observing parenting with parents who don't control their tempers and lash out on their kids when they can't yell at the person who they're actually angry at and frustrated with.... Parents also get downright verbally abusive against their kids when they use them as a scapegoat for losing their temper and tell them how irresponsible and bad they are and refuse to listen to any defense -- because all they want to do is hurt you because they're stressed out and hurting. And I hate when parents do that, it's wrong and if I ever have kids I hope I never fall into that trap that so many parents fall into for how they treat their kids as their whipping boy when they can't carry any longer their anger/frustration at something else. it's wrong. It's always wrong. And you damage your kids when you do it -- no matter how they learn to cope with them, every time you have ever done that is traumatic on them.

My parents definitely did that tonight. And I know they just needed to release their temper, but it doesn't make it right or okay. And by doing that, they've made me now NOT want to do what I was already planning to do because the way they tried to authoritarian force me to do it makes me not want to reward their bad behavior.

I understand they're stressed and I know the reasons why -- but taking it out by losing your temper on someone else and blaming everyone else isn't how you deal with it. It's not right, it's not fair, dn you shouldn't reward temper tantrums by doing what they demand of you -- no matter whose temper tantrum it is.

The problem is if I don't do what I was already planning to do, my grandma suffers and I don't help her. But if I do it now, my parents will think their bad behavior is what made me do it. And that's a problem. And now I'm stuck in the middle of it and frankly, the way they behaved tonight makes me contrary and not want to do it.  You could literally be telling me something for my own good as I'm about to do it but if you lose your temper or think you can order me to do it, I'll cease to want to do it simply because of how you have behaved.....

*sigh*

There's a lot of family drama right now..... And my parents heavy handed ways of "dealing with it" by assuming they know what's best done and trying to ramrod that down other people to do are making things worse -- with everyone not just me.  And by freaking out on me like that, they now have made me not even want to call my grandma or help her, let alone do the things I have to do right now for her sake before I lose my windows of opportunity to help her.... And that's a big fucking problem.....

While I was still upset about it, i was going to send a message to Dave to gripe. but I realized it wasn't because I expected him to do anything that would help me right now and I didn't want to lay the entirety of what's been going on (with my grandma, with my Aunt Linda, with my Uncle Steve subplots) to weigh him down with it if he didn't tell me he wanted to know-- I wanted to tell him about me being so upset after that interaction because I wanted to be heard by someone who would care that I hurt rather than to explain it all to him why i was upset and why it happened without him telling me he wanted to help carry all of it.... And I decided that wasn't fair to him, to just emotional dump on him without him saying he wanted to know -- so I decided instead just to thank him for always bringing a smile to me even when I'm upset upset about something else and just leave it there.

I'll get over it. I do every time they do this. But it's what makes me freeze up, remove my emotions because responding emotionally only makes it worse (especially with my mother), and I get cautious and simply tell people, "I don't know what you want to hear but nothing I say will make you happy in this mood unless you tell me what it is you want to hear" when people lash out to hurt others because they're hurting -- it's due to the way my parents behave when they use their kids (typically the eldest) as the scapegoat for their anger/frustration when they can't vent it on the people they're actually mad at.....  I rewatched Martin's Mando Monday livestream to recenter me before taking care of my plants I came into work to water. There's something very calming and emotionally soothing about the way Martin speaks and how he interacts with the world, I understand why Dave turns to his brother when he's hurting, and I needed to clear myself of all negativity before I approached the plants to care for them. You should never try to take care of your plants if you have anger or deep sorrow inside you -- they feel it and you'll stunt or kill them if you blast them with your bad inner space. Plants are VERY sensitive to energies.... You only approach them when you're in a positive nurturing inner space.

And I'll figure out which is the worse evil -- letting my parents think they've gotten what they wanted by their display of temper or taking care of my grandma   Most likely what will happen is that I'll take care of my grandma because this isn't her fault or any of her doing and I won't punish her for their bad behavior but I'll emotionally distance myself from my parents and as much as possible avoid seeing them in person. I'll never receive an apology form them, they don't apologize when they do this. Not ever. My dad won't care if I retreat from them emotionally as long as I end up doing what he wants me to do and my mom will feel bad about it be hurt at feeling that emotional wall and distance but rather than admit they did something wrong or apologize she'll try to buy me off by doing extra nice things for me while I remain emotionally distant unreachable until she self-justifies that I'm ungrateful of everything she does for me because she's upset that she can't reach my affection and love by demanding it or ordering me around or lashing out at me when she's angry at someone/something else.

That's how it typically goes. And why I have no patience for people who refuse to acknowledge when they hurt other people, refuse to try to make right the ACTUAL wrong they've done and why I have no patience with people who will lash out at others if they can't reach whoever they're actually angry with and don't get their way and rationalize their behavior after the fact. I have no desire for any of those behaviors in my life -- all it will do is make me shut you out from you being able to reach my heart or touch my emotions at all.... It doesn't matter your relationship to me, you'll alienate me so i won't let you in where you can hurt me by behaving that way. Always.