So.  You can't trust tarot when ego gets involved. This is basic rule. Everyone knows.  No matter how well a person CAN read tarot,  if their ego is involved, the whole reading is shit - is only the reading ego desires, not reading of esse.   If ego is involved,  you get only the desire,  jealousy, possessiveness, defensiveness of what reader wants.  Your reading will lack truth,  it will only tell you what the ego of the reader wishes to hear,  never any damn thing to do with truth.  Check your ego before you EVER do a reading or you'll fuck up the life of someone else should they heed your advice.... Literally fuck up their entire life path if they listen to your ego skewed reading.  If you cannot enter a state of released ego,  don't you DARE try to read for anyone else or you will fuck up their life path.....

Me,  I cannae tarot for shit right now. No matter what I'm asking,  my mind is never entirely still....

If Eric is anywhere in my mind,  I'll pull 3 of swords, 5 of swords, 8 of swords,  and The Tower.

If Dave is on my mind,  I'll pull 2 of cups, 9 of cups,  The Lovers,  The Chariot.

Is that truth or ego?  Hell if I can tell......  Could be either.  Are they truths about their current state or truths about my current state or truths about our relations to each other?  Again,  hell if I know....  Maybe it is truth for whoever/whatever I'm asking about, I'm just over sensitive to the likelihood of my ego corrupting the reading so now I question it.   Hell if I can set my ego aside to read it clearly.  My emotions are too entwined, in both cases.  But what I'd do about it,  that would differ entirely on if those reads are truth or ego... Y'know?

Because.  Right now.....  I cannae think of Eric without feeling pain,  betrayal,  and thinking of all of Britt's fuckups, her defensiveness around her own fucking up,  and him standing with her fuckups rather than doing what he should know to be ethically right.   And I cannae think of Dave without feeling how intensely he desires (and has earned) my love, how much I want to curl into his chest with his arms around me so I know nothing can hurt me while I'm in his arms, and how clear it has always been to me that the very last thing I'd ever want to do is break Dave's heart because it isn't mine to break. And I just really deeply desire that comfort and love and protectedness and surcease from pain at this point. More than anything else,  I just want to feel loved and safe and where nobody's bullying/jealousy/malice/ego-driven defensiveness can touch me.  And that's what accepting Dave's love for the duration of this life offers me. Or what it's felt like since late August that Dave offers me and Eric can't in this life. That's when everything shifted like tectonic plates based on the choices each of those men made in complete free will at the end of Leo season, start of Virgo season.

I drank a bottle and a half of cheap (but drinkable)  cab sauv by myself while reading a YA fantasy series between 1am and 7am. I feel everything, I know nothing,  and fuck it - the dog needs to go on a walk.

So,  whatevs,  I'm gonna go take the dog on a walk and not even think about ego vs.  Truth in tarot readings.  Because right now,  I cannae distinguish what is what I want to believe versus what is.  So fuck it.  Time to put on my coat and go on a long walk with the dog...... Because at least,  that's something I know I can get right.  My bitch has got to go outside,  just waiting on me to take her.  And this, taking her on her walk,  this I know I can do right right now.