January/February/March Book List

I forgot to post this end of January then again end of February. Whoops! Guess I'll be doing these quarterly this year. Unless I remember to do it or decide to do it on a more frequent timeline. On verra.

 

 Books Read: 

~James Fenimore Cooper, The Pioneers (447 pgs) [this took me a while to read, though once there was snow on the ground I started making better headway. (It opens as set on Christmas Eve) It's not as overtly racist as the others since it is a critique of the civilizing evil of pioneer American colonialist expansionism and the laying down of rules destroying the wild natural goodness that had been. It's just very sententious and florid and it took 170 pgs to tell through one day in which nothing much happened, he just sets up the pieces for the plot and shows you why these seemingly "good" folk are mostly all hypocrites and cruel and rather foolish people. The plot of those 170 pgs could be told in one normal length chapter by most authors, two chapters by most novelists of the 18th or 19th century -- maybe three if it was Henry James.... The pacing also suffered from being too fast with too much happening in the last 100pgs or so to give the story a plot. I only have one more novel left after this to have read through all the Leatherstocking Tales though! Which is far more exciting than the books themselves, lol. I do wish I had the last one in the same edition to match the other though..... If you ever find the édition of The Prairie it would make me far more happy to have it to match the others than the actual reading of the text ever could.]

~Hannah Whitten, For the Wolf (465 pgs) [I enjoyed this very much for what it was. A dark fantasy Beauty and the Beast retelling with some strongly animist magic layering through it. And what it was was exactly what I needed at that time. It was definitely a retelling of Beauty and the Beast with the "the monsters are the heroes and the sacred are the villains" vibe but I liked where it was going with the return to wilding versus corruptions in the old religious/political hierarchies.]

~Hannah Whitten, For the Throne (483 pgs) [I didn't like this as much as the first book. I liked having the story completed because the first one ended in the middle of a new crisis and I liked the light-dark mirroring needing each other but the plot had a lot of holes. The mirroring was a cool concept, though it didn't feel to always be realized to the best of its potential. And I felt that the heart of the story, especially the love story in it, was trying to be mirrored shadows even our inner demons deserve to be loved to heal what others call monster in us but instead it read as trauma bonding Stockholm syndrome and calling it love. It didn't feel authentic and it felt like excusing/defining trauma bonding as love which I didn't like very well even with the tired sop of, "we need to go find ourselves before we can be together" because there was still no character arc growth other than, "you told me your story and it mirrors my own insecurities so I can see me in you calling that shadow work and we are going through desperately difficult death defying activities together where we rely on each other to survive it calling that trust building."   Which I just didn't like as well trying to force a love story happy ending for all the main characters. Not everyone needs or merits a redemption arc -- redemption arcs are things you earn with your choices not just as a plot point in the unfolding story....]

~Jack London, The Call of the Wild & White Fang (307 pgs) [this is a copy with both novels unabridged; I'm not actually sure why I decided to read these other than they are classics I never read unabridged. But like, I'm the girl who cries at any movie an animal dies or is injured... You can do anything you want to actors, my suspension of disbelief knows it's not real it's only acting. But even hunt at an animal being hurt or dying and I'm bawling... Old Yeller? Sobbed my heart out. Where the Red Fern Grows? Cried for hours. Homeward Bound? Started sobbing, "But. But. A dog wouldn't do that! They wouldn't just leave him..." until he comes over the hill then I was sobbing and laughing and my parents were trying to calm me. Marley and Me? Cried for a solid hour. So animals being hurt or dying even in fiction breaks my own heart every time.  So this was a choice I made, but also they were difficult reads for me emotionally even though reading level wise and thematically they shouldn't have been so difficult or taken as long as they did.  A lot of dogs die in both of the books... A lot of good dogs.] 

~Nilo Cruz, Anna in the Tropics (62 pgs) [script of a play that APT performed last summer. It was fantastic, but it made me want to reread Anna Karenina because it's been a while since I last reread it. And I have the Pevear translation still unread that I picked up. Pevear is the translator that professor Dolinin always said captured the Russian into English best back in my Dostoevsky class in university. Dolinin was a third generation Russian literature professor, his grandfather taught Tolstoy and Dostoevsky under the czar, his father taught it under Soviet rule until it was banned, and when they emigrated to the US when he was a kid he grew up to teach Russian literature in translation specializing in Tolstoï and Dostoevsky. Heavy reading list, but that Dostoevsky class is one of my favorites from college. And Prof Dolinin always swore by any Pevear translation being the most superior for reading Russian classics in English.]

~Sharon Blackie, The Enchanted Life (314 pgs) [I enjoyed this very much, but it didn't feel like anything éclatant -- it was just more of a pat on the head affirmation, "yes you're doing this embodied living correctly, good job never losing your sense of wonder and awe in the beauty of the world."]

~Andre Norton, Flight in Yiktor (251 pgs) [I had read some of these loosely connected series not consecutive from my dad's sci-fi/fantasy collection growing up. But I had never read Forerunner or Forerunner Foray so I wanted to read the other loosely set in this universe for some world building context. Mostly I read and reread her Witch World series as the one my dad told me I would love and should read handed me the books from his collection for me to read.]

~Andre Norton, Dare To Go A-Hunting (248 pgs)

~Susan Fair, American Witches (303 pgs) [this is the one my cat insisted I read. It was fascinating but very quick reading sensationalist history telling ]

~Andre Norton, Storm Over Warlock (201 pgs)

~Andre Norton, Ordeal in Otherwhere (191 pgs)

~Margot Lee Shetterly, Hidden Figures (349 pgs)

~Andre Norton, Forerunner ( pgs)

~ Andre Norton, Forerunner Foray ( pgs)

 ~Jean Menzies (ed.), Dragons, Wyverns, and Serpents (206 pgs) [this was a purse book specifically for working and and elections. Small and innocuous and full of myths/folktales.]

~Patrick Barlow, The 39 Steps (105 pgs) [script of a play that APT performed last fall]

~Lauren Oliver, Delirium Stories: Hana, Annabel, Raven & Alex (178 pgs) [I decided not to reread the Delirium trilogy since the YA plot and character were simple enough the short stories could take me right back to it ]

~Michael Grant, Cleopatra (301 pgs) [this was the other book Griffin pulled off the shelf for me to read after I finished the Witchcraft in America book. I actually read it while reading the Plutarch's Lives of Alexander and Caesar... Still slowly making my way through Volume 2 of the Dryden translation of those biographies, lol ]

~Frank Herbert, The Collected Stories of Frank Herbert (700 pgs) [I read these in between other books. Some of them were phenomenal, some were weird, some deserved more space and room to breathe than short story format.]

~Rudolf Erich Raspe (German author) & Théophile Gautier (translator), Aventures du baron de Münchausen (155 pgs) [the first I ever heard of these classic German folk tales surrounding the historic figure and the ridiculous stories/lies he would tell of his adventures that were popularized in the 18th century was watching parts of the 1988 film version of it back in high school art class. It's very surreal and inane as a film and part of that is because he's a folktale hero and he's sort of flung between one improbable story to the next with no continuity. Some of the folk tales have other older counterparts I've read, but I've never encountered a copy of the stories collected together until finding this French text at a used bookstore. I haven't looked that hard to be fair, but it's rather funny that I should be reading these German magazine stories (first published as a novel form in English) for the first time in a French translation, although they were popular across Europe. These are a collection of some of the retold stories with the famous Doré caricature illustrations, but it's in no way a complete collection. At some point, I should acquire a more complete set translated from the German into English (since reading german is not currently in my repertoire) but this is a good entryway into reading them then going back to rewatch the film at some point.]

~Aldo Leopold, A Sand County Almanac (295 pgs) [I had read selections of this in school but never all of it. And I made a promise to my 11th grade AP English teacher Ms. Vale to read it in full at some point. I wanted something beautiful and nature filled and real as a distraction from the state of the human created mess of things.]

Books Acquired: 

~Frederick Atkinson, Sceadugenga

~James Baldwin, Go Tell It on the Mountain

~W. R. J. Barron & S. C. Weinberg (editors and translators), Lazamon's Arthur : The Arthurian Section of Lazamon's Brut

~Anne Llewellyn Barstow, Witchcraze

~John Brought (translator), Poems From the Sanskrit

~A. S. Byatt, Babel Tower

~Joseph Campbell, Myths to Live By

~Lucy Cavendish, (illustrated by Jasmine Becket-Griffith), Magical Fairytales: An Enchanted Collection of Retold Tales

~Zu-Yan Chen (editor), Inspirational Chinese Voices Classical Poetry

~C. J. Cherryh, Foreigner

~Martha Cooley, The Archivist

~Zoraida Cordova, Incendiary

~Robert W. Corrigan, Masterpieces of the Modern German Theatre

~Charles deLint, Into the Green

~David & Leigh Eddings, The Dreamers 4: The Younger Gods [this was the last one I needed for the series! I also bought book 2 in paperback as I had it in hardcover for some reason but all the rest I had found in paperback]

~Shauna J. Edwards & Alyson Rich Man, The Thread Collectors

~Flametree (ed.), Scottish Folk & Fairy Tales

~Kate Forsyth, The Witches of Eileanan 2: The Pool of Two Moors (I already had the first book of this series and wanted to read it before discovering it's first in a quartet. After finding the second and third at Half Price Books East, I now only need to find the third so I can binge read the series at some point!)

~Kate Forsyth, The Witches of Eileanan 4: The Forbidden Land

~Hester Fox, A Lullaby for Witches

~Antonia Fraser, The Wives of Henry VIII

~Adalyn Grace, Belladonna

~Ember Grant, Mythology For A Magical Life

~Philippa Gregory, The Boleyn Inheritance

~Philippa Gregory, The Other Boleyn Girl

~Philippa Gregory & David Baldwin & Michael Jones, The Women of the Cousins' War

~Lev Grossman, The Magicians [I had previously acquired book 1 in hardcover for free from a little library, but want the series to match on the shelf; so when I found all of the trilogy used in good condition paperback, I decided to pick them up and the hard cover can find a new home]

~Lev Grossman, The Magician King

~Lev Grossman, The Magician's Land

~Alexis Henderson, The Year of the Witching

~Donna Barba Higuera, The Last Cuentista

~Russell Hoban, The Lion of Boaz-Jachin and Jachin-Boaz

~A. E. Housman, The Collected Poems of A. E. Housman

~Kristoffer Hughes, Cerridwen: Celtic Goddess of Inspiration

~Mindy Hung, The Glowing Life of Leeann Wu

~Jake Jackson & Imogen Corrigan (editors), Joan of Arc

~Emily Lloyd-Jones, The Bone Houses

~Charlie Lovett, The Paradox Club

~James Macpherson, The Poems of Ossian

~G. F. Main (ed), A Book of Scotland

~Hilary Mantel, Wolf Hall

~Anne McCaffrey & Todd McCaffrey, Dragon's Kin

~Anne McCaffrey & Todd McCaffrey, Dragon's Fire

~Prosper Mérimée, La Vénus d'Ille

~Barbara Meillejohn-Free, Scottish Witchcraft

~Sir Thomas More, Francis Bacon, & Henry Neville, Three Early Modern Utopias: Utopia, New Atlantis, and The Isle of Pines (quite excited for this find -- I already own and have read Sir Thomas More's Utopia, but I'd never found copies of the other two before!)

~Garth Nix, Terciel & Elinor

~Rev. Lora O'Brien, The Morrigan: Ireland's Goddess

~Barack Obama, Dreams from My Father (surprisingly, I never did get around to buying this so I was quite delighted to find it in a free Little Library in my neighborhood)

~Jacqueline Onassis (ed) & Boris Zvortkin (illus), The Firebird and Other Russian Fairy Tales

~Edith Pargeter, A Bloody Field By Shrewsbury

~Barbara Léonie Picard, French Legends, Tales and Fairy Stories

~Alwyn Rees & Brindley Rees, Celtic Heritage

~Frances Sakoian & Louis S. Acker, The Astrologers Handbook (no clue if I will like or agree with this one, it seems to focus a lot on where things are "in detriment" which is an outdated concept I've never agreed with. But the book was free in a little library and I decided it was worth grabbing because it can always go back to one if I disagree or don't find it useful.)

~Jean-Paul Sartre, La Nausée

~Gertrude Stein, The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas

~Adrian Tchaikovsky, City of Last Chances 

~Jo Walker, A Witch's Guide to Wildcraft

~Alison Weird, Mistress of the Monarchy

~Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own and Three Guineas

~Paul O. Zelinsky, Rumplestiltskin

 O, it's not that I'm giving up on the bond or trying to silence it back to dormancy or push it away or anything like that -- I still want it, but I hold no expectations or hope or lying to myself that it will become manifest real in this lifetime no matter how deep my wanting.  It's not even that I expect anything to happen with Martin -- he's not the sort of guy who lacks for options or shies away from taking them when offered and Sept is a long ways away still. It's just that even with that knowledge, so far his presence has only ever brought sunshine into my life even when he's actively man whoring with a hot needy girl on his arm throwing herself at him for his attention because he is physically a constant thirst trap, lol. Like, I'm not going to lie to myself about who he is or how he has been -- there's just a mutual attraction there and whenever he's around or nearby, everything is a bit sunshine brighter. I know when I know him from in his past lives and I know why that mutual attraction is there even when he has another girl fawning on him hanging off him. And I know there's no reason for me to expect him not to be with anyone else back home in Glasgow or while touring next. Just acknowledging it's there and palpable and just because it's never yet been acted in doesn't mean we never will.

It's more of.... Just a complete acceptance of the choices made that got us to where we are and the acknowledgement that as things stand based on the choices past and actions/inactions, there is no place for me in Eric's life and I am neither welcomed nor wanted by some of the most important people/groups to him due to those people's choices of bullying via ostracism and there have been no actions and no path toward changing that. And that just... It is what it is. And I need to accept that isness and make my own choices in a place of complete acceptance that those are their free will choices and for myself I must look elsewhere for what brings joy and love and brightness in my life -- to focus on those who choose me, choose to be in my life and my lived experience. 

It's not a giving up or lessening of love or desire. Just an acceptance of how it is in this time/place (and has been for so very long now since the events that set this trajectory of ripples into motion) and the choices that got us to where we are. It's a setting aside of the wanting as something I can't have in my lived life at this time with the way things are and the free will choices that got us to this isness of this moment in time.  A looking elsewhere into those who choose me, choose to be in my life, and not holding out for those who don't choose me and consistently tell me they don't want me I'm not welcome at their table. 

And a feeling of deep down to the cellular level acceptance of that truth of this isness in this moment and this trajectory of choices and events that got us to here. And in that complete acceptance about the truth of his life path choices, there was a recalibrating and refocusing of my own heart to invest it into those who choose me choose to show up be a part of my life as it is lived this lifetime. 

And that hasn't shifted. Doesn't much matter if I feel him reaching for me down the bond or all I feel is the empty spaces of other choices that could have been made, through it all is the acceptance of the isness of the choices/events that got us to this crossroads and the truth of its isness. 

And that has nothing to do with any choices Martin does or doesn't make back home in Glasgow or away on tour between now and Sept.  It's not even about him other than acknowledging the long standing mutual attraction and the past life karmic ties that promise healing good growth this life if we choose it and how it just feels like sunshine whenever we are together sharing moments of space/time. What this recent eclipse season brought me is just an inner place of accepting the isness of things and setting aside anything else I want it to be in the name of accepting it for what it is. 

It's not the way it has to be, it's just the way it is because of the choices others have made and the ripples of those choices. It's a deep acceptance of the isness and a personal choice to focus my attention and love elsewhere where it is wanted and welcomed because what else is a girl to do?

Different choices could make a different isness, like a pool shark completely change the trajectories of all the billiard balls still on the table. But it ain't my turn to take a shot and even if it was, I can't hit any of the balls without scratching to change things make me wanted/welcome by the people whose past/ongoing choices ostracized me created the reality where I'm not welcome in his life. It ain't my turn and I don't have any angle to change this isness by making different choices. And I have accepted that. Accepted the truth of it so deeply I can feel the acceptance of the truth of isness for this juncture in this life as it is lived, feel that acceptance of isness within every cell of my being.

It's not judgement of others choices that got us to this isness, it's just acceptance of them and their consequences and the realities they created. If you want me around, choose me to have me in your life. If you won't make that choice, why should you expect any of my attention, energy, or love? 

And I don't think it should be a particularly unexpected or weird take. The weirdest part about it is probably how long it took me to let go of stubborn hope and expectations of somehow getting a different outcome despite the evidence of the choices made when they were made and the ripples of them that created this isness.

It's not a change of heart, it's an acceptance of isness and the free will choices others made that got us to this isness. Things can be changed with intention and a shared will/desire to change things -- but that won't happen without honesty with oneself about how things are now and the clarity to truth speak about the events and choices that got us here.

You can find or create a path from where you are through anything, the important question is always "does this path lead me to anywhere I want to get to? Or do I need to make other choices to forge another path to get where I want to be?" And that's a personal question, not one I can answer for you. 

Astro Poets Horoscopes: 

"Week of 3/22 in Libra: You have found friendship. That is reason enough to sing. So let it be so. This special name. Where love can be the best of it." 

"Week of 3/22 in Pisces: Yellow and green. They leave themselves. So it is pink. Nothing is forgiven with words. It is language."

Somewhen in the recent while around the solar eclipse and Chinese New Year, I felt something inside me close chapter and release around the bond and Eric and all the mess the girls made of what should have been easy. Just this sense of finality and closure accepting, "I'm not welcome here, and that is what it is. Those weren't my choices or my boundaries, but that doesn't make them any less real. I'm not one to try to force my way in where I'm not wanted -- since every lifetime is finite it's time for me to let go forget the could have beens and to focus my energy and love and joy into the people and places I am welcomed and wanted. Those who chose me, especially those who continuously consistently choose me." And no emotions about it really, no anger or sorrow or regret or anything other than just the tranquility of complete acceptance at every level. Just acceptance of the isness and truth of where we are and how we got here and how I should be investing of my heart and energy during this time in the isness of things. 

And it hasn't really shifted at all since then, just a continuation of the inner peace of acceptance. I guess the only other shift I can think of was at the lunar eclipse on 3/3 the inner excitement for happy surprises approaching me, wondering what the Universe will bring to cross my path to fill in the void created by that acceptance. That's the closest I get to the precogging happy surprises, to feel the joy and brightness of them rising over the horizon of the future but no clear sighted glimpses not even a fuzzy knowing who/what it's about or where it's coming from. I asked to have put the block on me and my precog gifts when it comes to happy surprises, that's how the block works.

Look. I told you. What was coming is worse. And I'm going to tell you again: what IS coming, it's worse still.  

Be glad you don't have the precogs. Be glad you don't carry the weight of what will be you cannot change. The events already in motion because the one pebble of a choice was removed that sets the whole mountainside down an avalanche, the one choice that cracked the levy to flood everything built downstream that believed it was safe now the dam was built.  The future fatelines are like that. Every choice can be that little pebble, that little crack and most people never know what ones are the pebble and what ones are just handfuls of gravel or sand passing through your fingers. Most people don't get the flash of the sight of the now inevitable avalanche and flood that can't be stopped or stalled or slowed down or redirected now that one damn pebble, that one deep crack has been chosen. 

And some people have second sight gifts. And some of those gifts include precogs. And some of us hate having had to play Cassandra our whole fucking life, lifetime upon lifetime, because no matter the opportunities we CAN make a choice to shift if we act immediately there's still so many exponentially more that we can't do a damn thing to change course or fight fate and we can't change things and we can't convince anyone to listen to us and even if we could convince them it wouldn't be enough to change the course that past choice already made (or sometimes the future choice that rippled backward -- but that's something different but related and I don't want to get into it right now.) You can't not know the flashes of the things you see. Not when it's among your second sight gifts you were born into this body having.

So yeah. It gets worse. Globally. It gets worse. it gets a lot fucking worse before it gets better. It just does. 

You're probably smart enough seen the evidence unfolding now to see the patterns and the rhyming of history.  And you're not wrong. But it's not all of it. And it ain't at all the same as seeing it. You didn't have to carry the sight you saw in your minds eyes of the murders then waiting til the day everyone else catches up to what you already saw, already knew. The promises you made to the old gods and angels who protect you that you won't cross the great river again until they say it's safe for you to be there, no matter how mad what you've seen has made you, because if you don't make that promise they told you directly they will do what they have to do to keep you on the board, keep you alive, to save you from your own impulsivity when you get angry.

 You haven't seen what was coming until it got here. And you haven't seen what's still to come, the bad that's even down the best possible fatelines where every choice in the fight gets made and every battle that can be won is won....

I'm sorry if I can't sit in the moment. And that I can't sit in the hope and the daydream of could bes that are never chosen to be made real. I don't have the energy or emotional capacity for that. I don't have the capacity to lie to myself when the starkness of the precogs I must carry need to be integrated. And I haven't since the precogs got so dark and so frequent and the worlds burning got closer than they've felt since the time in university when that fork was nearly chosen.

What I have the strength for and where I am putting my energy is into who and what IS in my life and choosing to be in my life and the moments of joy that can be snatched like fireflies from the darkness closing in and the sparks we can make against the flint and the brimstone of it all. 

If you're not in my life, not choosing me not choosing to invite me in want me at the table, I don't have it in me to lie to myself pretend any longer that maybe you someday will wake up and see things clearly/honestly and decide actually I am what you want/need in your life. Fuck that. There ain't time for that no more. You had those chances, you had that time and you didn't choose it. Not one damn moment of all the years and all the time you've had and I can't give you more time because the events in motion don't allow for it. If you don't choose me to be in your life as you choose to live it right now, in the present which is the only time you ever have promised to you to live within, I release you and won't think on you and won't let you in or save you a space where I am or within my heart. You're out of time for that sort of grace and forgiveness your actions/inactions/choices didn't earn. Whatever you choose, that's what you get and not a damn thing more. Ain't time for that. And you don't want to know what I've seen that makes me say that, the things I carry inside me once the act of somebody's freewill choices move the pebble that had been holding back the flood and soon everyone will see and know and it won't be just me carrying it but damnit that doesn't make it any easier for us just because now everybody knows what until then only those with the precog second sight gifts like mine had seen.

 It's not easy to carry the gift of prophecy, the gift of curses, the gift of precogs, the gift of death sight, the gift of knowing every fucking "last times we will ever do this together" -- everybody who has ever shared that damn tumblr post meme about wishing there was a light lit up above someone to warn you of all your lasts... NO. YOU. FUCKING. DON'T. WANT. THAT. You might think you do, to add meaning into the moment, but ask anybody who has to live that way and you don't want it. You don't want to be mourning your losses and deaths while you're still living in the present moment of having the gift of who and what you have loved -- it doesn't make it more meaningful or magical to know and if you have even a shred of empathy you then carry that knowledge alone because you don't want to ruin the brightness of what they get to experience by telling them before they find out in the fulness of time. It's a weight of grieving ahead that you carry alone. Always.

Getting to see Skerryvore and get Martin hugs in February/March was a happy surprise from the Universe in the midst of it all.  (I don't precog the happy surprises -- as a child I asked to have my gift blinded for sports and happy surprises because life has more joy when you get to live the delights/emotions of it without ruining the happy surprises.) The next time they've got dates stateside is not a surprise to me -- Dan (Martin's brother) gave Keito the dates made sure she could ask off and she came right over to share and texted them to me because she knows my policy is, "Whoever gets me their dates first gets dibs on me holding it against other plans" so I have dates in September and dates in January carved out set aside for Skerryvore getting dibs on claiming those dates (if they can get their visas renewed and get here from Scotland as they plan) -- they got me dates before I could buy my summer/autumn APT tickets, before symphony season ordered (so we will not be adding on the Joshua Bell opening show add-on because they got me their dates first.) Working with Keito on trying to get some of the guys to do a portion of Bolero for me during their Fri Fox Cities Irishfest set after I  mentioned it's the piece in the programme I'm saddest to miss. I don't know how it happens, but I will get to see my favorite Scottish lads again still this life -- the best and brightest part for me of seeing Martin and all the rest of the guys in February/March was discovering that it wasn't a last time, there was no death sight dimming of "this will never happen again" for me when I saw them.  Not for any of the guys and not for any of my friends within the Celtic music community who are like chosen family -- none of them yet have the mark of the "last times" that can't be hidden from my death sight. And that is a bright light spark of hope to hold to as a promise -- I've been wrong before seen the last time death sight mark and someone has made active choices to say, "Fuck that path. Death ain't having me yet. And I'm not letting this connection fade out" and defy the fates by choosing consciously that is not how it will be even after I've seen it. It's rare, but it happens. Always by a strong force of will on the part of the person I saw the "last times" dimming and dimming more and more with them.  But I've never had a last time where I DIDN'T get the death sight "last times" dimming the time ahead -- not even freak accidents. I always know and the fact I didn't see it, didn't see it on any of them not even the very last night I was seeing them all before they flew back to Scotland after celebrating Martin's birthday here stateside and getting back so Dan could have his birthday a few days later with his family. And even more than getting the dates from Dan via Keito as a promise, it was what I didn't see, not getting the death sight "last time we will evers" dimming even on that last night before the guys were flying back that was the brightest shining beam of hope to me that I needed and didn't know I needed. 

 Anyway. I set this private for a long while because...  because what i saw coming was not a future where you want any ai scraper to know you've got the gift of precog or for your words to convince anyone that maybe, just maybe, such gifts could be real. And maybe just maybe they could be used, could be useful... I'm not a trained seal, I never will be. Ain't in my nature. And the things I see are mine to carry and mine to share only if i damn well choose to and only to those I trust who I think can help me carry it not be broken by the knowing and only if/when I believe me telling will somehow help and make things a bit brighter and easier. My prcogs ain't for sale, they ain't never been. not in any life. And you cannot force them from me unless I free will choose to share them. But there are those in this world who don't need to be tempted by the thought they could somehow force those truths from me. And we have been going through a time where I didn't want my truths and stories written here available to data miners and ai scrapers... And such a feeling will happen again, and sooner than you think. This is a brief reprieve and lull when it's safe for me to have it here for n'improte qui the truth that worse was coming. And worse is still coming. 

 But anyway. Winter Storm Elsa is barreling down toward me with a blizzard warning -- but I have St. Patrick's Day brunch plans with my parents and best friend tomorrow. And then holed up at home with my pets and my books and music as the lashing rain and freezing rain and ice and snow at the rate of over an inch an hour and not knowing until the morning if the roads will be clear enough for if I will have to courier SVD drive downtown in the mess over to the east side. And then later that day buying my share of the APT tickets. And after all the plans around St. Patrick's Day celebrating through Tues and then SVD (Special Voting Deputy) assignments across the week. And the rest of the month my calendar is quite empty for me to fill I don't yet know how. And I will keep carrying and seeing what my gifts show me and waiting for the world to catch up, waiting for the collective psyche to catch up so we can fight and build from that point something better closer to what the majority of us actually fucking want rather than all the events in motion I've seen we have to endure and remember the lessons repeating in them.  And I will keep focusing my time and my energy and my love and my dreams into those who choose me and choose to actually be IN my life, those who keep coming back to sharing time with me creating memory sparks together as a want to, not an ought to or forced to. You're not likely to cross my path again or find a window into my thoughts/feeling/soul  as this has been unless you choose m, choose me for you life as you live it. There isn't time for promising anything else right now. And it gets so much worse before it starts to get better.... If you're following along at the passing of the fleeting present moments, you've not even yet come to the worst parts of it all....

 Anyway, here's your catchup of astro poets horoscopes if you've been missing them. Maybe should have waited til tomorrow to post this set this all back from being private to authors to instead being public but unlisted. Maybe I'll put the most recent one for the upcoming week at the end of these as an edit if I think of it. Or maybe not. Qui sait?

Astro Poets Horoscope:

"Week of 2/15 in Libra: The feathers are soon. That doesn’t mean either. It means soon you will walk into the room. What will you say? Only you know that."

"Week of 2/15 in Pisces: Some light remains. And an orange single thread. Does it connect? Nothing does. Everything remains." 

"Week of 2/22 in Libra: It wasn’t what you expected. But it was better. And when you could wait, you did. Let it be in birds. Let it be in butterflies."

"Week of 2/22 in Pisces: Fruit and things. Enjoy the sweetness. It all circles back. It all blesses in silence. This is not the end." 

"Week of 3/1 in Libra: Some sun. Some love. Some green. Take it. Do it."

"Week of 3/1 in Pisces: Some treats. Could you have it. You talk with substance. To the gold. To the piece of gold in the breeze."

"Week of 3/8 in Libra: You moved a mountain. And then some. Sweet love. The sweetest cake. Eat it now."

"Week of 3/8 in Pisces: You don’t have to make an argument. It will be there as it is. Following from one to the other. Standing up in line. Saying it as it was in the beginning." 

"Week of 3/15 in Libra: A true green. Made its way into your future. Let loose an envelope. The bats endured. The meaning shifted." 

"Week of 3/15 in Pisces: Lyrical propulsion. And knowing an opening. Something residing within the mind. And it can be. And it must be."

The history/use of mesmerism/hypnosis and all the different people/places it has been used specifically in Christianity in America has been rather fascinating. It's specifically an American phenomenon as far as I can tell, which is also interesting to me... I actually got a little derailed pursuing the question about Deepak Chopra (whose teachings I've never actually read, he's always given me the icks even when people tell me how transformative and centering his works have been for them -- both his pictures and words always gave me the icks. In light of some of what has come out in the files released and watching the new age community squirm and try to come to terms or refuse to around it has been rather interesting. And, it also makes me question what exactly his teachings were and what they may have been gateways to -- but that's not something I intend to pursue at this time, just questions I'm asking. Like I said, he gave/gives me the visceral icks so I don't want to read his words, not even if I were gifted the book(s) or found them free.  I mean, i realize that sometimes for answers you have to wade into the minds/thoughts of people who give you the icks -- but I don't desire to engage in that research unless/until it seems absolutely necessary.) Curiously, Quimbyism (and thus Christian Science) has an early take on the concept that illness doesn't really exist, it's all created by the mind and you can cure yourself/others by faith and will alone. Which if it sounds New Age-y, it's definitely made it into modern spiritualist paths. 

My cat was most into the chapter on Cotton Mather of all the chapters in that book -- but also his picture in American Witches gave me the icks and so I don't want to search out or read Cotton Mather's diaries or anything any time soon. He also looked really familiar, but I can't quite place who in the regime he reminds me of looks like the reincarnation of his energy... It's been bothering me I can't place it. Griffin also pulled off the shelf with his teeth (tore the dust jacket but no damage to the book itself) a biography on Cleopatra that I hadn't read yet. So I promised him I would read it next buy told him no more trying to pull off in a way that damages the books and he is currently blocked from reaching the bottom shelves of that nonfiction bookcase just as he is blocked off from the lower reference books shelf. he's very excited for me to read the Cleopatra book, has been rubbing his cheek against it purring every time he can reach it and his head swivels around perks up every time you say the name Cleopatra. So far, all the books that he has damaged with claw or tooth have been hardcovers with dust jackets.... I still don't like it but also the two books he has pulled off 

I don't have much else to say right now. I'm very excited to see Skerryvore again tomorrow! (today now, lol) Not planning to see them Sunday in Milwaukee area because the Argo is like $46 per person tickets for gen ad and I have symphony tickets that day so wouldn't be able to head out toward Milwaukee until 4:30-5ish. I will be seeing them again though on Thurs the 26th in Green Lake and then again for the whiskey tasting at JJ's on Mar 1.  I'm excited to get to see all the Scottish Skerry lads again so soon! Especially since they won't be around here for irishfest season (they have shared other fests/shows they're playing in the UK right during that time period) so I don't know when next they will be back in the area. 

Um, I'm sure there are other things I have to write about or ought to say, but that's all I can think of for now so that's all you're going to get for now I guess.  

Wrote most of this before sunrise on Thurs morning, but didn't finish the last thoughts or hit post until early on Friday the 13th.

 So I've been doing a lot of thinking and researching this last month or so on the subject of egregores. It's not a term I had encountered until recently when it started showing up in many of my closed witchy groups as to why pouring energy into attacking those protected by an egregores just feeds the egregore and makes it more powerful. But basically, an egregore is like a gyre or whirlpool of energy portal created by the focused intent or belief of humans and if fed enough it can become sentient and powerful enough to try to use energy to protect itself and those whose existence feed it. 

Side note: There has also been a mass self outing of magat witches who have been removed from groups as they speak out about "since when has witchcraft been political" and forget about the hundreds of years of witch burnings/hangings... you know the type, those who took the anti vax far left turn so far they turn right but still call themselves spiritualists -- there's actually a disconcerting white spiritualism to trad wife magat pipeline and I haven't yet pinpointed what entity they opened up to that brainwashed them into the cult koolaid to serve that entity. But don't ever listen to the advice to just blindly open yourself up to whatever may enter when you're in yoga or meditation -- that's a white person version of the Indian practice and exceedingly dangerous! You never know what might be lurking waiting for a breach in your defenses to get it's hooks in you. Curiously, just as I typed up that question about not knowing what they opened up to, Griffin inexplicably lay down and started biting at this book pulling it off the shelf and destroying the dust jacket (yes those are cat bite marks). 

I yelled at him but took the book with me after he went back biting at it trying to pull it off the shelf a second time. This is the second book he has set claw or tooth to -- the first was using as a flat scratching post my dictionary of word origins (also hardcover with dust jacket) on my bottom shelf of reference books which I have since blocked him from reaching though he's still trying to figure out how to get to where it is. But I'm going to be very upset if this behavior continues destroying books and will definitely need to find a solution if it does... still this one seemed VERY book specific and it happened whenever I was thinking about that question of what they opened up to that creates that pipeline. So I peeked at the chapter headings and looked through the illustrations but nothing jumped out at me so just as I sat down to finish tapping out my thoughts about wondering what they opened up to to in that pipeline, he came over and sat next to me tail thrashing growling slightly staring at the book in my lap and when I presented it to him he bit at the spine of it AGAIN and I chastised him, "Griffin! We do no attack or destroy books in this household! I will read it to try to find what you're warning me is in this book but you're not to destroy my books if you want to live with me." He chirped then lay down on the carpet belly up purring and has been ignoring the book since. Also worth noting, he has been extra restless and protective tonight since I got home won't let me sleep keeps attacking things neither the dog nor I can see and trying to guard between me and my window and me and my doorways while I was laying in bed which involved a lot of hopping up on the bed and circling and laying down then batting at the air. Finally I gave up and played fetch with him for a bit then went to make tea and sit in my reading chair which means he only has one area to be restless protective chasing things I can't see.  Luckily, I wasn't sleepy because I had a bad migraine today from shifting fatelines/universes that was mad worse by ignoring trying to power through it yesterday evening/last night and ao I slept pretty much all day today until things settled when I went in to work after most everybody had left. (Curiously, being around other people tends to make the headaches worse and make me very irritable when the migraines are from timeline shifting -- the effects of the shifting are much more muted when I am not around humans and especially when at home. I think it's because other people who don't shift along with me in my bubble feel like anchors in the mud making it harder to move with the currents.) 

Anyway. Back to egregores. There's a debate right now in witchy circles about if spell casting the regime is working needs more energy poured into it or if it is feeding the egregore(s) making them more powerful. Which has had me thinking, "how do you defeat an egregores?" And the answer I found in magic circle is you create a mirror egregore that absorbs all the focused intent and uses it to starve the original egregore -- but now you have a new egregore even more powerful than the first and the only thing it has in its favor is that if it doesn't get too powerful, whoever created it can destroy it. So not (necessarily) useful. Robbing Peter to pay Paul. Which means, the only way I can see to defeat an egregore is to remove the source of its power, and that is the collective belief/faith in the idea that has spawned it. So that's where to focus the attack -- to take out it's sources of food/power. Now the egregore created and used as a shield by the entity that came here started causing these timelines fluctuations as it burrowed backward to build strength for right now, the egregore propping up the egregore gyre of this regime is the all father twisted concept of God that evangelicals all bend their knee to which as far as I can tell was a mirror egregore of Odin that got grafted into the medieval church to try to destroy the pagan viking worship of Odin. All worship of God the father feeds this mirror egregore I call and consider the all father mirror of Odin's egregore, at least as far as I have been able to track this. (I've been hunting/tracking this entity since I was in uni both forward and backward down the time stream trying to find a precise temporal marker for it to call in the larger powers that can safely excuse it back to where it belongs)

So anyway, at an energetic level, the egregore needs to be starved and dismantled to take down the regime trying to build itself into a 3d chess position of unassailable power grab.  Then the baneful magic hexing will break through to hit their targets. And the best way I can see that is to shine clarity onto those who believe in and feed it-- to pour energy into them seeing through the illusions. So that's where I've been directing energetic overflow because from what I have observed and been studying, dismantling and starving the egregore has to happen first, or from the start so that the other shots can land instead of feeding the egregore and its defenses/protections.

P.S. I did skim through the book, specifically the newer chapters before heading to bed after sunrise then read the first couple chapters after waking up. It's not very well written (but at least it reads fast is not particularly dense) and it's very New England focused history but it has some interesting historical accounts of early witch persecutions en route to the US and in the US. I'll probably keep the book for the new stories it has brought me, but it's not particularly well written. I didn't find in the initial chapters or my skimming of the more modern end chapters what was making Griffin bite it off the shelf insist I read it to answer my question... I do have some new leads to explore though just from the skimming and I need to look more into the turn of the century Quimbyism and the development/evolution of Christian Science (most of what I know about mesmerism/animal magnetism/early hypnosis studies is from the English side of the Victorian/Edwardian era not the American gilded age.) And the path through mesmerism and hypnotism and peer pressure of group think within both New Age white versions of spirituality and in Christianity.... Because there's definitely a pipeline that seems to take some people so far left they turn right in the witchy/spiritual/New Age to magat pipeline...  I think there's some breadcrumbs there for me to explore to unwind what has been hidden going on in the shadows. I know I've had to clean a lot of churches and a lot of attachments in people who go too deep into worship services and they've told me that they are told to open up let down all barriers. Which is terrible terrible advice as far as spiritual health goes.... 

Anyway. As far as I can see the tactical battlefield in spiritual/energy/magic fights at this time (which are separate but connected to the real world quotidian battles being fought in multiple fronts simultaneously right now) : Focus energy on creating clear sighted seeing past the illusions to the lie within to disempower and starve the egregore before pouring any energy into baneful or justice driven spells. Otherwise, all your anger is just feeding energy and belief into the egregore making it stronger.

It's funny, Friday evening it started to feel like something loosened broke through that weird head state I've been in and started untangling all the over thinking and defensive fatalistic spikiness I've been feeling recently and my head started to let go of all the ways it had wound itself round in judgemental fixed this is how it's been and I don't want that so I'll just go elsewhere because I can't think my way out of fixing the messes of the past so I'm just going to focus on where I can put my energy in the tangled present of the fixed air head space. And on Friday night, it was just like the wound tight overthinking just... melted into this calmer mental space of just floating in the the isness waiting for the right moment to get exactly where you're meant to be when you're meant to be there.  And then early this morning I felt all those overthinking thoughts wound round my heart just... unwind and let go... and it was like I could breathe again and feel my heart beating again after so long feeling detached couldn't hear from it or feel it and that everything was going to be alright  And as soon as all the overthinking tied too tight round loosened and untangled like that, it was like everything came flooding back into my inner quiet and it was just full of all that music that's always echoing through it and flooded with all the love I haven't heard/felt for weeks now and I just had this inner certainty, "All the knots and tangles of the past don't dictate the path of the future -- what is chosen in the present is what determines between all the open fatelines. Focusing so much on what's gone wrong in the past keeps you blinded to what is right now and what could be in the future. You know that. You just forgot these recent weeks. Now you remembered so now you can be better again." That's the best I can explain it.

And then I had to put my Histortea book club for tonight in my calendar (slowing reading Chernow's Washington a couple chapters a month with 3 of my close friends who also love history) because I'd forgotten about it and so I actually looked at a calendar for the first time since finishing out my SVD assignments (not the Olympics schedule which I've been spending a lot of time with recently, but my proper calendars which are both astrological planners/calendars; and because of all the Olympics programming for me to watch, I'm very behind on my normal weekly astrology reminders) and I saw that early this morning was when Venus (love/money/heart) moved into Pisces and I just started laughing at the perfection of the timing of when I felt that shattering/melting of those bonds of my own overthinking/fixed thinking into the opening expansiveness once more within the quiet spaces of my own heart. And then just out of curiosity I flipped back to last week and laughed even louder that Friday night when I first felt the shift in my head space loosening unraveling those recent bounds of overthinking was when Mercury (communication/technology/head) moved into Pisces. 

And it made me laugh at myself. For all my Capricorn moon skepticism about astrology, it definitely helps to make sense of my own inner tides sometimes and things line up much more closely than I'd ever realized until I started paying better attention to what sign the moon is in and where the inner planets are. And the thing is, you would think I'd be more comfortable in Aquarius than Pisces because Libra sun/Mercury and fellow air signs (all air placements are overthinking) but actually Aquarius is one of the signs I just don't get it doesn't click with me at all. And then, I have three planets in Scorpio (including my Venus) and my ascendant is Pisces so I'm actually perfectly balanced across all the elements and modality if you include north node and Chiron in the chart EXCEPT my rising sign being Pisces tips me ever so slightly more watery and mutable in the balance. I'm actually most comfortable in my skin with my inner head-heart-soul balance the more planets there are in Pisces, Libra, Scorpio, Taurus.  I feel the most all over the place unbalanced head-heart-soul the more planets/placements are in Aquarius, Cancer, Gemini. And I feel the most neutral toward having those parts of myself balanced instead just completely focused on my life as I'm living it the more planets are in Capricorn, Virgo, Sagittarius, Leo, Aries.

And it's just funny how intense that release felt inside my head and then my heart as first Mercury then Venus moved out of Aquarius into Pisces. 

I just found it interesting the timing. And also, in addition to giving me a laugh, I figured I should be clear about that internal tidal shift for anyone who doesn't feel the tug and pull of the seas inside my heart/soul and the storms my head sometimes builds inside me.

Anyway, have you been missing the Astro Poets horoscopes? The ones this week are particularly lovely and once again bring Libra and Pisces back into that very obvious dance/conversation with each other after a while of beautiful but a stretch to see how they might connect. 

 

Astro Poets Horoscopes:

"Week of 1/25 in Libra: Something is sparkling there with lilacs in bloom. As it were or as it will be. Every piece does not demand a core. And yet it suddenly was. And yet you want to stay as you should forever."

"Week of 1/25 in Pisces: Every sweet thing. Was said already. Say it again. Say with a kind heart. You are all kindness and light." 

"Week of 2/1 in Libra: Friendship remains. And that is what is said so sweetly. To rejoice in the right time. What reality that speaks. It is this one."

"Week of 2/1 in Pisces: Every piece that fell. Did so for a reason. Now pick up what you want. Make the thing. It’s yours anyway."

 "Week of 2/8 in Libra: Letting loose the birds and flying things. You let the light in, too. There was not a right way to say it. So you said it. So you dreamt exactly as you should have."

"Week of 2/8 in Pisces: Finally a dream. That was slept among the night. Truly a bright light. Greenish and pink. Lots of kisses because you love them." 

 

 

 

As someone who lives in the USA, it's a weird time to have the Olympics. I mean, I absolutely love the Olympics, winter and summer. I watch every moment of every figure skating (I watch the entire season of figure skating religiously, every year), snowboarding events (even qualis -- and I watch every x games I remember and realize the schedule), and ski aerials/halfpipe/acrobatic jumps and I watch the rest of it on prime time/late night highlights. I do really love speed skating as well, but not in a "watch every heat" the entire time way.  But watching the opening ceremony today, it's a really hard time to feel anything but shame to be American while this regime is in power with all the terrible things they do, no matter how much fierce pride and joy I have for the athletes themselves, especially those I have followed outside and beyond Olympic ice and snow. (And it's not lost on me that USA is supposed to hold the next summer Olympics in LA and the historic echoes with Hitler's Olympics and the mass incarceration sites called detention centers but the conditions currently known meet every textbook definition of concentration camps.... 

It's a hard weird time to be an American.... 

And I'm so proud and joyous for all the athletes! Especially those I follow throughout their competitive seasons in figure skating and snowboarding!  I just wish they had a country whose actions were worthy of the honor and pride in their home nation that they should feel during the Olympics ... I wish they lived in a version of this nation they should feel proud to represent and that I could feel like celebrating our country's medal wins. 

It's just a weird time to be an American, especially one living this close to Minne, watching the Olympics I love to watch and with so many athletes I watch throughout their competitive seasons. 

I dunno. 

(It's also weird to have Super Bowl during the Olympics. I'm rooting for Seahawks. And not just because I have family in the Seattle area and Monroe is a Seahawks fan (even though the rest of her family are Packers fans.) my parents are actually at the Super Bowl this weekend (so I am watching both dogs Thurs night til Mon night and only short times to spend with my cat during the weekend days) because the store sold enough Acers to be chosen as a vendor. So my parents are in San Fran, seeing the Killers and then in a suite for the game. I actually don't have any have tos this coming week (besides watching Olympics and work hours) other than the dog sitting this weekend until the 13 when my parents and Crissy and I have tickets to Kimberly Akimbo tour. And then on the 17 (Chinese New Year, new moon, eclipse, primary election, so much going on astrologically) I am an election official, but only assigned 1p-close not the full day because it's such a comparatively small election. And then after that some Skerryvore shows but I don't remember which days I'm seeing the Scottish lads. I actually wasn't expecting to see many of my international musician friends this year given all the everything, so I feel every chance a gift. Gadan last week and Skerryvore later this month. And we will see how the rest of the year plays out if I get to see any of them. On verra. )

anyway, it's just a weird hard time to be a  American watching the Olympics. (I do love the long toggle coats the America team have.) Which isn't helping at all my current 'nothing feels like it sits quite right in reality as it is right now' feeling of this Aquarius season..... 

Haven't written here in a while again. Was a bit busy with svd and then just sort of forgot about it until today when i wanted to write this down so I remember it don't forget it because it was so very wyrd. 

So ever since Mikaela arrived this morning to hang out and read and drink coffee/tea for the day, Griffin was being a bit of a demon cat this morning (as he does) but settled down once I realized I hadn't watered the plants like I meant to last night and promised the plants and him. (Plants "talk" to each other at a frequency cats hear and I genuinely think it gives them a headache when the plants get too loud -- both Spock and now Griffin bite at them to tell them to shut up if I go too long without watering them but then ignore them from the time they stop chirping joy in getting watered and the next time they get thirsty.)  Anyway, because he was being moody and attacking, I put Eric's playlist on for him and it helped but every time I got up, Griffin got feisty naughty attacking anyone who came near him and coming up to me feisty. That behavior stopped and he went back to his charming angel cat mode as soon as I finished watering the plants and they stopped chirping their joy. So I do think he just gets sick of that plants shouting and acting out is his way of saying, "can't you make them shut up?!"

The other thing that Griffin was doing today out of the norm is that EVERY time the first song on the extended version of Exactly What I Asked For would play (Griffin doesn't like his playlist randomized, only new songs added but never randomized), Griffin came over to my reading chair, hopped up on the back of it and then started walking across all the crystals and things on the shelf I keep my Tarot decks and Oracle decks. (Side note: I recently found at a used bookstore had to buy once I saw it a Nightmare Before Christmas tarot deck! It's used and I need to finish cleansing it, but I put it back in proper original order as part of cleansing each card and to check it has all the cards -- they're all there all in brand new condition and it doesn't feel like it was heavily used or connected to by whoever had it before me. It came in start of Jan per the price tag and so I think it was a holiday gift someone never used so brought in for some cash. Anyway, it's delightful! As an elf witch who adores Nightmare Before Christmas (everything about it except Oogie Boogie -- he is across the 'nope. That's an Unseelie darkness who won't keep his promises so we don't deal with' line for me) it's a wonderful mashup! I'm excited to cleanse it and use it the first time on a new or full moon on the other side of eclipse portal!) Anyway, Griffin kept jumping in my lap, climbing up to the back of my chair, then trying to climb on the book shelf where I keep my tarot/oracle decks, some of my crystals, my knife made from a railroad spike, and my horn handled magnifying glass (but not all my altar/witchy things, just the ones that I keep with my tarot/oracle decks and old astrological calendars from past years since I started saving them.  And it was EVERY time that intro song played and finally, I sighed in exasperation set my book down (in case of knocked over crystals I had to try to catch and/or pickup before they got lost) which jostled my phone which showing 1:11 as I set down my book and I asked him, "Did you want one of the decks consulted buddy?" And he put his paw on my Egyptian Art Nouveau tarot deck so I told him, "Alight, I will consult it. But come down off that shelf now. I can tell you're trying to be careful but you're going to knock off crystals it you keep this up." (Griffin likes to knock off and steal crystals and random rocks I've collected that I have all over the place -- he hoards them underneath my bed. So I have had to make sure that any could be toxic to him or are fragile or shouldn't get wet are stored in the glass bookcase.) 

So I  get the deck out and Griffin sprawls on the wood floor just past the edge of my oriental rug. So I take the cards out and I'm like, "Sir Griffin, did you want to pick cards? Or did you need me to consult it?" He meow-chirped at the second question and then I told him, "But I don't even know what you want me to ask it!" He just slow blinked love eyes at me then ostentatiously started licking his paw tail flicking waiting for me to begin. So I started shuffling and letting the deck flip out cards for me/him as I queried in my head and just continuously shuffled. 

This was what I got:

"What question does Griffin want me to ask this deck?"

3 of pentacles, 2 of swords reversed, 10 of pentacles

"Is there anything further Griffin and this deck are trying to tell me about?"

10 of pentacles, the lovers, the sun

At this point I was flummoxed. Like I got the message was about asking regarding lessons learned choices made and reaching legacy building contentment in life and the further info about the situation is a life that is a legacy full of goodness, love sanctioned by the divine (grab any classic deck and put the lovers card next to the devil card and look closely at the parallels and differences -- Lovers is divine sanctioned love freely chosen whereas devil is lust/temptation/chains we allow to bind us), and the childlike brightness of joy and success and celebration. But what exactly the subject matter to get to this or the context of what my cat and the cards wanted me to know, I had absolutely no idea just guesswork. It was at the point I was thinking "Ok, I understand the isness of the message -- but who or what the hell is this reading about?!" that Griffin got up went over and twined himself around the computer like cats twine around the legs of greeting people they love and rubbed his chin against the corners of the laptop, then came back to lay in the same spot and slow blinked at me again.

So I took that as Griffin's answer and I asked the deck: "Is Griffin trying to tell me something about Eric?" 

6 of cups, 10 of pentacles

"What is Griffin trying to make sure I know about Eric?"

6 of cups, the star, 10 of pentacles -- with 2 of cups on the bottom of the deck (when I went to set it down and the whole deck flipped itself in my lap between my legs from showing the backs to show me the bottom card -- I don't always check bottom cards, but this was very obviously a part of the spread)

Then I asked, "Is there anything else I should know right now before I put these away?"

And Griffin walked away curled up on his spooky cat tree for a nap and I shuffled the cars for an entire song focusing on that question and no cards popped out so I figured that was everything they had to say to me today. 

Honestly. I have never had 10 of pentacles come up like that EVER in a spread and I've never had the same card jump out like that for every single question asked/answered. Especially coming out upright EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I know it happens for other people, but it doesn't usually happen for me.  Now I generally think of 10 of cups as the "happily ever after" card whereas 10 of pentacles is the multi generational long term wealth and well being and enjoying the shared goodness of life.  I've never really thought that hard about 10 of pentacles before nor have I often received it -- I tend to receive 10 of cups as the promise of future happiness when I work with tarot cards. I received the 10 of pentacles more times this afternoon than the cumulative times I've received it reading for myself or in connection with me in my entire life.... So here's one take on the basics of it if it's a card that, like me, you've never really considered that deeply.

 

It's just interesting because I've been in a rather stoic weird headspace recently (in part because of what's going on and what I've precogged and also what I did right before "putting the entire US under a freezer spell" after brokering a dream space deal with grey Unseelie I don't typically work with but who will abide by the letter of their word, a dream space meeting between me and the Cailleach as their broker/keeper and with a lot of the goddesses and Seelie I work with mediating to be sure I didn't overstep myself or misspeak the promise or miss a loophole. I got angry and I was very clearly told off made to promise over half a dozen goddesses I asked about it that I'm not to cross the Mississippi hand myself over, and when I'm angry feeling impotent I make questionable choices. In this case I made spiritual alliance with morally gray Unseelie type spiritual entities bound them to new rules that gave them open season on any who sign a contract or give/follow orders for the entity behind what is happening right now in the US. The wendigos have open season to hunt take off the board all who cannibalize their fellow humans and have signed contracts (physical or spiritual) with this entity to serve or profit by the harm to others. They cannot recruit or go after innocents, just those marked by having signed over to this entity. And their open season territory was to be "everywhere that the Cailleach extends her reach under the freezer spell across this nation within this Aquarius season." So I've been busy, at least in the spiritual warrior realms.) anyway, so in a weird head space, not completely writing him off but more my head space has basically been, "The world is a mess and there are things I can do at the energetic spiritual levels that most incarnating souls cannot do. So if you are not consciously consistently choosing me and choosing to prioritize having me fully in your life, there are much more urgent areas my energy is needed right now and you are getting triaged out of any attention or any focus from me until that truth shifts."

Anyway, I have been questioning for a while now how real the bond is for him and if I need to give up on the idea of him and the dream of it to better focus on what must be done in this time. And this morning I have been debating with myself if I've only just been setting myself up for heartache of my own making by hanging on to hope with no signs at all he cares or knows or chooses it, especially with him once again in late January sharing from the band account I'm still blocked from (which made me immediately react, "nope. Not playing this game. I don't want to see you telling me "this content not available for you" bullying via ostracism from the band page. If that's all you have to offer that I can't sit at your table then I don't want to follow you on my socials at all." and unfollow him again.) Mostly not letting him even cross my mind or be considered, but when I do think of him these recent weeks I have been silent here focusing on the freezer spell working that I entered into agreement with the Cailleach to create to counter the entity protecting and puppet directing the current regime, but when I have let me think of him it has been in that stoic cynical, "he doesn't act as if he wants me or values me anyway, I should let go of pretending he might" reading of his choices already made and the pattern they have made that I'm done repeating.

So then I was just thinking that way again while writing out about the cards and the cat jumped up onto the back of the chair again, annoyed with me not listening to him, to demand again the deck not realizing I had put it back in the box but still had the box in my lap and once I showed him he hopped back down from the shelf with such clumsy speed he  knocked over a moss agate and nearly knocked down a tall stack of tbr books went to lay down and after I fixed the stack of books, my phone told me it was 2:22 as I sat down by him told him, "Look Griffin, I don't know what you want to tell me. So I'm going to lay these out for you to choose your own message for me." He purr-chirped and rubbed his cheek against the bottom card (still 2 of cups) to tell me he was ready. 

So I spread them out in a line and said, "right. So what is it you need me to know then?" 

He put his paw down on a section that when I flipped them was: 

The devil, two of pentacles reversed, five of cups, king of swords, two of swords, two of wands 

So I asked him, "is this still about Eric?" (Cat chirp) "About his past choices? Or about his present choices?" When I said past choices he chirped tapped the first three cards I flipped over and when I said present choices, he started purring rubbed his chin and cheeks against the two of cups bottom last card while setting his paw on the last three of the cards. (Yes, I know that with the two of cups on the bottom, that's all the twos of the minors in play.)

So then after studying the cards I'd flipped over I asked if I could put them back in the deck and when he pulled his paw back slow blinked at me I decided that was a yes and put them all separately back in randomly through the rest. Then I said, "okay. What is it you need me to know about Eric's choices or desires at this time?" And this time after shuffling, I very carefully went through the deck card by card moving it from my left hand touching each one with my thumb into a stack beneath my right hand and removing flipping over each card I was on when he soft paw tapped my thumb on a card. And the reading that my cat chose for that question was: 

Four of wands, queen of swords, two of swords, six of wands all upright. 

Then I threw a toy for the dog who wanted to be in the middle of it all wanted my attention while I sat on the floor and Griffin became more interested in fetch was done with the cards so after playing fetch down the hall with both the dog and the cat, I took the cards back with me and went back to write down the new readings here before I forgot them. 

And while I was writing that last reading from the cat about what Eric is choosing/desiring  but with a mental cynical, "right, like he's choosing that [quick reading: 4 of wands is celebration/marriage card, queen of swords is the minor arcana for Libra similar to Justice meaning Libra in major arcana, 2 of swords is a crossroads choice, 6 of wands is victory] given him continuing to take part in the "you're not welcome" behavior patterns the girls created and doing nothing to solve that mess it made. How is that supposed to happen given that mess and nothing being done to right it? How do we get there without healing the mess that was made complicating what should have been simple?" As soon as I got cynical thinking that way yet again, the entire deck (except those 4 cards I'd kept out to write up after I finished playing with the fur baby familiars) fell off my lap to the floor without me or anyone moving or knocking into them, splayed put like a hand and four  (three side by side and the fourth above the first two in the line) had flipped over out of the deck lay themselves out in response to my cynical thoughts: 

Justice upright (Libra in majors), King of cups upright (Pisces man in court cards), Strength reversed (Leo in majors; but reversed means the worst shadow negative unenlightened traits of the Leo sign) and then centered directly above Justice and King of Cups was once AGAIN the 10 of Pentacles upright. And right at the bottom of the deck splayed out was flipped over that same two of cups despite my shuffling earlier. But also, if you don't read it for sign significators, the king of cups is the central figure with justice (obvious meaning) on one side mirrored by reversed strength (strength reversed is bullying and ego driven defensiveness dominating choices, to contrast it with justice is to say that you can only receive justice by confronting the negative traits of strength reversed) and the only way to the 10 of pentacles outcome above based on its position is to lean into consciously choosing justice over bullying/ego driven defensiveness.

So okay. Alright. Loud and clear. The through line promise of continuously getting 10 of pentacles upright that many time is the promise of partnership and legacy and abundance and everything a good life can offer for now and generations to come and that promise over and over and over. I just need to not doubt but instead build toward it. 

If you don't read tarot for all the other spreads, ask someone who does or look up the cards yourself ... I may come back to analyze it in words here but also I may get distracted and ADHD forget. So look it up or ask someone who speaks/reads tarot to interpret them. It's a hell of a set of cards to jump or be chosen by a cat or literally fall to the ground to get the message through to me.  I couldn't believe my eyes and definitely asked Mikaela (whose family raised her a Jehovah's witness yet her mom let her grow up with me being like her bonus older sister even knowing my wyrd and eclectic beliefs and spiritual gifts) to verify the cards I was seeing and that I kept getting the 10 of pentacles even when they all just slid off my lap for no reason other than my thinking/questioning. 

I told you, my cat Griffin has only been with me since late October but he is very VERY staunchly Team Eric no matter my questioning overthinking or considering if I should seek other options. He will occasionally let me listen to other music though eventually he will go over to my laptop start soft pawing at it to change the music to his favorite -- and at home he flat out won't let me listen to any other music by anyone I'm attracted to or have been considering pursuing something with and he will actually come up behind it and push closed my laptop screen then try to lay on it until I promise to play him the music he loves best. He will also go jump up on the piano bench and start tapping the piano keys or walking/standing on the piano to ask me to play Eric's music for him. Griffin is a very smitten kitten for never even having met the man or even seen his pictures or video....  Also, Spock would pull certain books off the shelves to open to random pages like he could read, particularly my multilingual Egyptian Book of the Dead and any of my history books on witch trials, and then sleep on top of those books he pulled off the shelves, but he never demanded I take out decks for him or picked cards though he would sometimes inspect whatever I pulled for my own questions  And of all my tarot decks (in order of acquiring: Thoth, wildwood, dali, cat tarot, light seers, Rackham fairytale, Egyptian art Nouveau, and now Nightmare Before Christmas) Griffin insisted on the Egyptian Art Nouveau cat worshiping ancient souled deck?! 

I don't know anyone else shit like this happens to. Even when I'm trying to be mundane have a cozy day at home with books and music and coffee and quiet, this is my life 😂

That said, I still don't see a way to get there given what is unhealed and unspoken and the mess that was made of what should have been simple. The brightening fatelines, my cat, and the cards can say all they damn well please -- I'm just not seeing any signs of any of that shifting or changing for the better and I've stopped expecting it ever will, just accepting it is what it is and it's what they've chosen and stood behind many times over for many years now. And I don't see any place for me in his life or any possibilities of rapprochement as long as I am ostracized and uninvited and unwanted in any central aspects to his life. I could be wrong, but then tell me how that's supposed to work now... Because I can't see the way to square that circle. (But to be on the safe side, I added the last bit here of my truth of how my head is wrapping around where we find ourselves after I was at work with my dog and well away from both my cat and the cards of that Egyptian Art Nouveau deck so neither could be trying to chastise me knock some sense into my overthinking circles.) Maybe I'll see my way to holding faith/hope again once things move into Pisces and/or Aries and it's all about the feels and the fiery will, but right now with everything piled up in fixed air? All I see since the sun moved out of Capricorn is the long term lack of communication, lack of movement, lack of basic caring/empathy to change, and the  immediacy of the need for me to focus my energies elsewhere it can be useful for the greater good. And none of that points to reasons to hold faith in Eric or to think he has any desires or intentions of choosing to have me in his life -- no matter what my cat or the cards seem to say about the matter....

 Yes it still gets worse from here before it can get better or lead to healing. Much worse. Remember this is still the accelerated course for those who never lived more than three incarnations here and the review for those who did who may have forgotten or chosen wrongly in the past. It gets worse still. It gets a lot worse still. And you have to choose and you have to act from your ethical core not your fear. And it's a collective choice to be better and do better decides which path this takes. (Spoiler alert: even the best fatelines get worse before they get better. And we will NOT be talking about the bleakest darkest timelines ...) 

Yes the country is still under a freezer spell targeting those who voted and chose this and their twisted religious theology rationalizing cruelty and hate in the name of Christo-fascism. Yes this is not the last time for it. Yes this is a greatly supportive time for baneful protective magic and deity work (most of the deities are calling their own to fight.) Yes the Caelliach and Wendigo and frost giants still have open season to hunt and remove from the board all who have signed contracts or given orders or written the plans or pray for it to succeed or have taken actions to further this regime. You are all open season for spiritual entities to take you off the board.

Yes I mean everything I said, it just didn't need to be left laying around for n'importe qui.

And yes, tomorrow (Mon) Mars conjuncts Pluto in Aquarius following the sun, moon, Venus, and Mercury cazimis followed by pluto conjunctions. And yes on Tues Neptune moves out of Pisces into Aries. (And soon Saturn will move into Aries as well.) And that all means more violence, more volatility, more action, more heroes and martyrs. And everybody likes to remember that Aquarius is the sign of the good of all people, but it's also the sign of inflexible autocrats on its shadow side. It is the sister sign of Leo whose shadow side is selfish kings/queens motivated by their own greed and self interest.

I just realized that I forgot to share the Astro Poets Horoscopes for this week, whoops! I suppose I could have waited until Sunday to have the next ones, but also, my Sunday is claimed all day and then I have a lot of plans in the week so if I waited for that, it might be several weeks stacked up before I remembered. And not even just because of general ADHD out of sight out of mine or time blindness, just because very busy this coming week. 

So I figured I would make sure to do that while hanging out with Waffles and Sophie at work until my parents flight gets in, listening to British news, drinking coffee and hot cocoa, and reading. I was going to take Sophie to my parents house then head home because it's wicked cold outside (today and tomorrow the highs don't get above 0F) -- but I couldn't get Sophie to go to the bathroom and didn't want to leave her at the house for hours without anyone to let her out if she needed without that. Also, when I asked her if she wanted to go to the house to wait alone for my parents she would hide in her bed insist she wanted to be with us not left alone. Shed come out for food and treats and to play and to cuddle, but even asking her if she wanted to go to the house until my parents got back and she would hide. So I let my parents know and my da said he would come get her after dropping off mum and the luggage at the house.

[Long portion redacted and copied to a private draft as it's not information for n'importe qui.]

 My parents just came to pickup Sophie -- so I'm going to start the car to warm up the engine before Waffles and I head home to our sweet graymalkin Griffin waiting for us. And I think, tonight is a night for pouring myself a week drama of Scotch and/or Irish whiskey once I'm home and don't plan to go anywhere any time soon. And maybe I'll make some midnight French toast or bread pudding since I have some older cinnamon bread to us up and I never did make a proper dinner and my sleep schedule is currently all askew again... that's a future me decision to make though. But tea and whiskey when I get home sound delightful!! Tomorrow will be a long day. Not for me personally, collectively. Don't need to be an astrologer to know that.

So anyway,  here's the promised Astro Poets Horoscopes for this week we just had.

Astro Poets Horoscope:

 "Week of 1/18 in Libra: Love and productivity are on the horizon. Right now a gentle rest. Some orange and yellow blend. Some green and blue alight. The mountain on its side is a dream."

"Week of 1/18 in Pisces: Something found. And it could be this. That is exactly as it should be. So true. So it lets go with truth." 

  

 I've been quiet here again recently. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Not certain.... Just an isness thing, lol.

I did start writing a couple times then stopped, got distracted, and never posted. None of it is really all that important, I don't think. The first was a catch up post on the 18th (about getting to see the Broadway tour of Hamilton and Chris Thile solo shows last week Thurs and Sat, respectively, but then stopped part way through writing it and kind of forgot about it. (Both of which were AMAZING!!!! Minor critique on the Hamilton tour is that they sped up the tempo, especially on the ballads. And I understand it's a loooong show and if you're not going to cut songs, which you shouldn't, then you have to shave off time where you can. But also, it was noticeable the tempo change and the lack of sustaining any notes or brushing over the intentional pauses/silences in the original writing.  Still a fantastic show and the cast was really great but the sped up tempo made my hackles go up a little.) But it wasn't particularly important.

And then I started writing Mon night a separate post while curled up on the couch because it was so cold outside but got up to put the kettle on for some tea after I finished my wine and completely forgot to come back to it. Whoops. I don't think anything in it was SUPER important, but here you can have it if you want it (though I think it might just be a lot of words with little substance) :

"But tonight I am staying home with my animals  because it is bitterly cold, in the negative Fahrenheit raw temperatures, the sort of cold that when I try to take the dog outside to the bathroom, I have to bundle us both up and then take the car out of the heated garage, drive us to the circle, get out for her to do her business which she might not be able to do, and then bundle us both back into the car to drive over to the vins to throw out her poop bag, then drive the car back into the heated underground garage. I wish I wasn't exaggerating. My last dog, Audrey Pupburn, who was at least half Yorkie had hair (which could grow out long for winter) not fur with no undercoat would on days like this go put her nose to the balcony door when I asked her if she wanted to go outside and if the balcony doors were too cold on her nose she would back up growling and hugging then refuse to go out until the door met her nose test. As in, she would nonviolent protest by hiding, laying down, forcing me to drag or carry her out the door, and down the stairs and outdoors.... And since she never had an accident while refusing to go outside in such cold, I learned not to push her on it, to just gently ask her and trust her feelings when she tested the balcony door with her nose. My current dog, Waffles Finnuala O'Whoofigans, is somehow even less suited for bitterly cold Arctic blast temperatures than Audrey Anne Pupburn was... Waffles was born in Texas then brought to Washington shelter/humane societies (the south is far worse than the north for shelters and spay/neuter programs so a lot of northern shelters have paretnerships with southern high kill shelters to bring animals north where demand for pets is higher and spay/neuter programs including TNT are more common) which is where my sister's family adopted her during the COVID pandemic. She is a short legged long torso mutt listed as standard Dachshund mix on her adoption forms but her mom was a standard Dachshund pittie mix and her dad was some sort of white terrier and she clearly has some beagle and maybe some cattle hound in her.  What she ISN'T is designed for Wisconsin winters -- she has practically no undercoat and her belly and inside of her legs have very bare skin like most dachshunds and her body type is unusual enough I haven't been able to find a dog snow suit that fits her and most dog coats leave bare the parts of her with the least fur..... If I try to take her out the front door to the sidewalk, before we can reach the sidewalk grass for her to even try to pee she will start full body shivering leaning into me and eventually not able to move until she just lasts down collapses shivering so badly she needs to  be carried back inside and can't move or walk until she warms up. She also does that if she tries to go out to the backyard at my parents house and even sometimes at work (though the yard is closer there with no steps)  when it's stupidly cold and I need to go out with her carry her back inside when she starts full body shivering freezes up can't move her feet or legs.  She is absolutely not a dog designed for the Arctic vortex moving down -- anything getting into single digit Fahrenheit temps or below I have to be extra cautious with her I have learned.... Friday and Saturday are supposed to be worse  with Friday being absolutely terrible highs may not get above 0F and Wednesday theu Friday I will have both dogs until my parents get back from Phoenix -- I may honestly just keep the dogs with me and work all night not leave to go home to my cat until after people are there at work to spend the day with Sophie rather than take them to the house overnight.... That currently seems the best plan to most easily be able to get the dogs outside for their business and bring Waffles back in without her full body shivering unable to move.... 

Anyway. I tried to take her outside earlier this evening during the "warmest" part of the day (2F) and she was jaunty and excited needing to go but froze up shivering before she used the potty and wouldn't even step in the snow just lay down and then rolled over asking me to carry her back in to the car and hold her while she shook from the cold.... So my plan for tomorrow is we will head to work early afternoon so she can go out there when it will be warmed and I can get some hours in across the afternoon since it's supposed to snow fairly heavily for a bit overnight.  I feel terrible about it, because she's just not going to the bathroom and holding it in for longer than she should, but also I tried when it was the warmest it would be until like 10am tomorrow getting back up that warm and she was still THAT cold couldn't even with it so there's no way she could handle -6F it's getting down to tonight.... Thurs night through Sat is going to be extra difficult with her since it will be even colder. 

So right now, I'm just at home with my fur babies listening to Eric's songs and reading. I made a big batch of slow cooker chili across today and I am finishing up the last of the half bottle of red wine I opened to deglaze the meat and to drink with it. I actually like best pairing red wines (like a pinot noir) with chili even more than beer -- probably because I cook chili I the winter at times I want cozy room temp or warmer beverages...  I cook chili a lot actually when the weather gets cold because it's super cozy easy comforting freezes well to just make a big batch and future me will happily enjoy leftovers -- and every time I make it it's different! I generally make it very spicy and use beef and black beans, but like today I'd run out of kidney beans never bought more since last time I made it so I used chickpeas to replace them. (I always keep dried black beans, chickpeas, and lentils in the pantry cupboard -- as much if more more of a staple to always have on hand than rice for me.)  But I'm very non traditional in how I get the blend of flavors in it -- like I almost always put some coffee and dark beer in the beans with tomatoes/peppers slow cooking mix with the spices and then I always add red wine to the brown butter ground beef. And if I need to thicken it up round out the flavors I use a small amount of chocolate instead of flour or cornstarch. I usually brown butter slow cook caramelize the onions before they get added in, sometimes with beer if I have one on hand but most of the time just butter and diced onions over low heat. Also sometimes mushrooms sliced smaller cooked with the onions for extra umami flavor/depth. And sometimes squash or pumpkin if I have some to use up because it cooks in nicely adds complex sweetness and extra vitamin a and c. Chili, curry, and even pasta sauces are a place you can easily sneak in squash, carrot, tomato, mushroom, and even some greens like spinach or chard for vegetable hating picky eaters if you chop them fine enough cook them down enough, lol.  I usually use frozen death peppers (I grow super hot peppers, think Carolina reaper and ghost peppers and Trinidad scorpion, alongside habaneros and poblanos and sometimes sweet peppers so they cross pollinate into a deliciously fruity super spicy hybrids of my own that most people just call my death peppers and death habaneros since they are spicier than most habaneros) and tomatoes from previous summer harvests rather than canned tomatoes or paste or fresh tomatoes -- I want the flavor and for it to cook down to mush which is why I freeze my excess tomato harvest whole for cooking down from frozen into chili and curries and sauces where you want the flavor/nutrients but don't need the structural integrity of a fresh tomato.... I also use ketchup and hot sauce and Worcestershire sauce and a small amount of soy sauce in my chili based on tasting it and if I don't have chili powder in my cabinet I mix my own with some garlic powder and cumin and paprika and cayenne and usually something smoky like gochugaru peppers or the Trader Joe's smoked ghost pepper grinder... This is why it tastes different every time I cook it but always umami slow cooked delicious whatever my mood is when I make it. And as you can tell, I am not a chili purist so I'm very much pro cheese and sour cream (or if you're out of sour cream, you can use cream cheese or even mayonnaise) and I love it with crackers (I prefer oyster crackers over saltine style but controversial take is that my favorite crackers are Goldfish on my chili, usually I but the whole grain or colored with veggies to pretend it's a healthy thing to have in my pantry; I also really love to put Goldfish topping my tomato soup and red pepper soup for a bit of cheesy crunchy with it) or cornbread or Cincinnati style over spaghetti noodles or filling/topping potatoes or with a fried egg on top if I'm eating it with a veggie hash for breakfast...  I have opinions about chili and I make amazing chili no matter what I use in it, but I'm definitely not a purist about it -- I've even been know to add curry powder into the flavor meld of flavors to help it balance, lol. Like, it should be hearty umami rich spicy meld of meat/beans/nightshades/caramelized onions/spices but within those parameters there's a lot of room to play to get the complex balance I want.... I do love a good green chili (especially with pulled chicken or turkey) but I make it as rarely as I make green curries -- I order them from other people more than I cook them myself because I specialize in other varieties of chili/curry flavor profiles that usually end up in the red/yellow/spicy arena and that's alright. Anyway, I make delicious chili and I tend to make it whenever it gets super cold and the body just desires cozy hygge meals -- but no two batches I make are ever identical and I can't give you a recipe because I make it up as I go along within certain parameters, lol. It's the sort of thing you will miss when I am gone and never be able to repeat no matter how many times you watch me make it....

So anyway. Tonight is stupidly stupidly cold outside but I am at home very loving cozy hygge with my dog and my cat (who is in his version of feline nirvana heaven having all day and night with me home AND Eric's music playing) happy full of delicious chili and agape snuggly wine drunk on the last of the red wine from the half bottle I used in the chili tonight. (Yes, only 1 can of beer and half a bottle of wine both used parts of it in cooking and tonight I could feel it even first sips of the beer and the wine. Fun fact: women metabolize alcohol differently at different parts of their cycles -- sometimes they can drink men under the table not feel it and sometimes a single beer or half a glass of wine will make them feel tipsy. If you're a woman, learn your cycle and be extra cautious with liquor before/during/right after ovulation depending on when your hormone shift affects your alcohol metabolism most and if you're a man, keep an eye on the women in your life when they are about halfway between periods and don't let them drive or trust strangers because they are much more light weight than their normal for a 3-7 day span in there depending on the woman and her hormones shift. But like, you're not crazy, it's a biological fact for how stronger/progesterone levels affect metabolism of sugars/alcohol and if men take estrogen/progesterone shots they also can fluctuate cyclically in the same ways for what their alcohol tolerance looks like.)

Ummm. Anyway so let's get caught up on what I've been up to recently then." 

And then that's when I got up and forgot about the post or trying to integrate it with what else has been going on in my world, lol.

I stayed at work all night Tues night with both the dogs because my parents were leaving home at like 4am for a work trip to Arizona and we're still here until Sarah arrives and I can do pupper handoff and let them know that the dogs had breakfast and Sophie had her thyroid med. I also stayed at work all night tonight (I'm at work still writing this actually) because of how drastic the Arctic blast over Wisconsin (and the general area from Thurs night thru Sun and it would be -19F actual temperature (even lower windchill real feel) at 9am or so to try to get the dogs into my cold car to take them into work. I haven't decided yet about if I'm going to go home during the daytime to check on my cat or just stay at work -- the warmest hours of the day are around 3-4pm when it will be -10F. "Warmest." HA! My parents flight is supposed to get back in around 10pm tomorrow night when i need to hand off their dog and then I intend to just stay home the remainder of Fri night thru Sun morning. I do have to go downtown extra early on Sun for svd training at 10am (before brunch at 11:30 then symphony at 2:30.)  I was originally scheduled for Sat morning but with the cold, I rescheduled it for tonight (Thurs night) but then had a migraine with the high pressure cold front moving in. So Sun morning it will be rather than having to walk between my parked car and the building in the bitter bitter cold and then not even knowing if my car will start (even if parked in a garage) and where to be until I can get AAA to come help. But SVD requires in person training and that's when we sign out oath soooo.... Then I have SVD in the mornings on Mon, Tues, Weds next week. AND on Tues night heading to Racine to see Gadan at JJ'S on Tues night. I may get scheduled for later in the week but don't yet know. And then Fri night would be Gadan at Viroqua (but we didn't buy tickets, waiting on weather and after seeing them at JJ'S to ticket level commit) and on Sat is an afternoon UW Badgers basketball game then that evening going to see Gadan in Madison at Bur Oak. The actual primary election that the SVD (helping people in permanent care facilities vote, which we do early as possible for them to be mailed ballots if they don't vote with us and still get it back in time) isn't until Feb 17 and even though I told them I was available all day, I'm scheduled 1p-close as an elections official which means I can vote early at the library or go vote that morning at my actual polling place for once if I want.On verra.

Speaking of politics. Like I said, worse before it gets better.... Still in the worse and people having to learn by direct accelerated experience from the past they never lived.  Do what you can do and what you have to do where you can. And understand this is a time of collective free will shifts for humanity as a whole NOT about the heroics of individual leaders/martyrs saving the day -- your strength is in your ally coalitions building mutual support. And I say that as someone generally distrustful of mob mentality because it is deadly unpredictable....

 

Ummm, let's see. I have a new online crush. Only a little bit joking, lol. Frederick Atkinson is very much physically my type (though I can't actually tell his age or sexuality) and he posts on socials about classic literature and history and his takes are very much aligned with mine. That said, he's in London and absolutely no real world connections whatsoever so very much an online limerance crush. He's just very much my type and I very much enjoy his insta posts and his lengthy youtube lectures/podcasts -- in fact he speaks fast enough and I like his voice enough that I watch his videos at regular speed not double speed like I watch/listen to most youtubes/podcasts I watch that aren't music or news. Often they're about periods of English history and literature I already know (this is part of my areas I have studied rather more extensively than most people after all) and books I already own and/or have read -- but I definitely have a list of his recommendations of those that are NOT part of my uni reading lists or that I have randomly acquired over time. I've been very much enjoying watching/listening to them. But that said, I mostly only watch them at work -- Griffin does NOT seem to like me watching Frederick's videos same as he doesn't like me watching/listening to Martin or Skerryvore generally and will try to knock my phone out of my hand or attack my hand holding my phone when I watch them. He is very firmly on team Eric as far as where I should be placing any interest in men and he makes his opinions known. (as well as his music preferences -- I'm sure my neighbors are starting to hate how few songs I have for us to listen to given that's all Griffin listens to and I won't add the Delta Rae songs to the playlist so long as hearing even the songs I loved from them makes me feel the "you're not welcome, you can't sit with us" ostracism bullying. I've tried, but as long as that's undealt with and I remain blocked on their instagram account, I can't even listen to the band's songs without feeling that they're not meant for me and I'm unwelcome as a fan and a listener. New songs are of no interest to me and I can't even listen to the songs I loved very much anymore because of it -- I haven't listened to anything of theirs since their 2023 tour when i went to the Madison show to take the hooks out of the girls from the entity based in Minneapolis/St. Paul that I'd ferreted out and marked and removed from this plane earlier that year. To the best of my ability, I give them what they asked for in blocking me on instagram all those years ago -- neither the girls nor anything from the band exist to me. Which means that the band's songs can't be added to the playlist of Eric's songs for me and my cat who adores his songs more than any other music I've ever tried to have my cat listen to. Is what it is. 

 Speaking of Griffin, he has been so loving and snuggly this last week! He had a rough day (until I promised the 2am deer i the snow and multiple gods and my cat that I wouldn't do anything stupid cross the Mississippi at the dark of the moon -- don't ask) but ever since I made and kept that promise, Griffin has since just become a bundle of cuddly love. even with my schedule being a bit messed up with watching Sophie for 3 nights/3 days this week. 

 I haven't yet figured out what to cook up for the cold on Fri/Sat while staying at home (especially since I just made a batch of chili on Mon for the cold) but I'm thinking maybe some fish curry based on what I have on hand... 

 O! And also, next week (Sun-Fri) is Madison restaurant week (3 course meals at some local restaurants -- $20 at lunch and $30-50 for dinners) which is exciting! I do always enjoy Restaurant Week! I think that current plan is lunch at Buck & Honey on the way out of town to Racine, lunch at Craftsman on Fri even if we don't head to Viroqua. Crissy and I are excited for the dinner options at Heritage and my mum and I are excited for the dinner options at The Statehouse but don't have plans yet for exactly which days we're thinking to do it...

I don't really have anything further to say about the subjects of my most recent posts. Why would I have anything more to say at this point? What has changed? Nothing. Exactly. (Although there has been a lot of random flooding of love down the bond, especially in the early mornings.) So I've just been focusing on my lived life and those within it (and yes, a new online crush limerance for a tall lanky blonde British boy who can take nerdy about literature and history) and not letting me think about those who aren't in my life or even trying to be in my life even just to visit at this point. And the world is such an obvious polarity of what's going on that writing about it here won't help or change anything.   That is what it is. And we're still not yet at the worst of the things I've precogged.

Anyway. I clearly don't have any point in writing here, just rambling because I realized it had been a little while again. Stay safe/warm wherever you are this weekend -- whether you're in the 50F windchills "you will get frostbite in under 10mins of exposed skin" area like me or in the severe winter storm pushed super far south where they don't know how to handle or drive on snow/ice because they don't generally need to know how to drive on it.