Somewhen in the recent while around the solar eclipse and Chinese New Year, I felt something inside me close chapter and release around the bond and Eric and all the mess the girls made of what should have been easy. Just this sense of finality and closure accepting, "I'm not welcome here, and that is what it is. Those weren't my choices or my boundaries, but that doesn't make them any less real. I'm not one to try to force my way in where I'm not wanted -- since every lifetime is finite it's time for me to let go forget the could have beens and to focus my energy and love and joy into the people and places I am welcomed and wanted. Those who chose me, especially those who continuously consistently choose me." And no emotions about it really, no anger or sorrow or regret or anything other than just the tranquility of complete acceptance at every level. Just acceptance of the isness and truth of where we are and how we got here and how I should be investing of my heart and energy during this time in the isness of things. 

And it hasn't really shifted at all since then, just a continuation of the inner peace of acceptance. I guess the only other shift I can think of was at the lunar eclipse on 3/3 the inner excitement for happy surprises approaching me, wondering what the Universe will bring to cross my path to fill in the void created by that acceptance. That's the closest I get to the precogging happy surprises, to feel the joy and brightness of them rising over the horizon of the future but no clear sighted glimpses not even a fuzzy knowing who/what it's about or where it's coming from. I asked to have put the block on me and my precog gifts when it comes to happy surprises, that's how the block works.

Look. I told you. What was coming is worse. And I'm going to tell you again: what IS coming, it's worse still.  

Be glad you don't have the precogs. Be glad you don't carry the weight of what will be you cannot change. The events already in motion because the one pebble of a choice was removed that sets the whole mountainside down an avalanche, the one choice that cracked the levy to flood everything built downstream that believed it was safe now the dam was built.  The future fatelines are like that. Every choice can be that little pebble, that little crack and most people never know what ones are the pebble and what ones are just handfuls of gravel or sand passing through your fingers. Most people don't get the flash of the sight of the now inevitable avalanche and flood that can't be stopped or stalled or slowed down or redirected now that one damn pebble, that one deep crack has been chosen. 

And some people have second sight gifts. And some of those gifts include precogs. And some of us hate having had to play Cassandra our whole fucking life, lifetime upon lifetime, because no matter the opportunities we CAN make a choice to shift if we act immediately there's still so many exponentially more that we can't do a damn thing to change course or fight fate and we can't change things and we can't convince anyone to listen to us and even if we could convince them it wouldn't be enough to change the course that past choice already made (or sometimes the future choice that rippled backward -- but that's something different but related and I don't want to get into it right now.) You can't not know the flashes of the things you see. Not when it's among your second sight gifts you were born into this body having.

So yeah. It gets worse. Globally. It gets worse. it gets a lot fucking worse before it gets better. It just does. 

You're probably smart enough seen the evidence unfolding now to see the patterns and the rhyming of history.  And you're not wrong. But it's not all of it. And it ain't at all the same as seeing it. You didn't have to carry the sight you saw in your minds eyes of the murders then waiting til the day everyone else catches up to what you already saw, already knew. The promises you made to the old gods and angels who protect you that you won't cross the great river again until they say it's safe for you to be there, no matter how mad what you've seen has made you, because if you don't make that promise they told you directly they will do what they have to do to keep you on the board, keep you alive, to save you from your own impulsivity when you get angry.

 You haven't seen what was coming until it got here. And you haven't seen what's still to come, the bad that's even down the best possible fatelines where every choice in the fight gets made and every battle that can be won is won....

I'm sorry if I can't sit in the moment. And that I can't sit in the hope and the daydream of could bes that are never chosen to be made real. I don't have the energy or emotional capacity for that. I don't have the capacity to lie to myself when the starkness of the precogs I must carry need to be integrated. And I haven't since the precogs got so dark and so frequent and the worlds burning got closer than they've felt since the time in university when that fork was nearly chosen.

What I have the strength for and where I am putting my energy is into who and what IS in my life and choosing to be in my life and the moments of joy that can be snatched like fireflies from the darkness closing in and the sparks we can make against the flint and the brimstone of it all. 

If you're not in my life, not choosing me not choosing to invite me in want me at the table, I don't have it in me to lie to myself pretend any longer that maybe you someday will wake up and see things clearly/honestly and decide actually I am what you want/need in your life. Fuck that. There ain't time for that no more. You had those chances, you had that time and you didn't choose it. Not one damn moment of all the years and all the time you've had and I can't give you more time because the events in motion don't allow for it. If you don't choose me to be in your life as you choose to live it right now, in the present which is the only time you ever have promised to you to live within, I release you and won't think on you and won't let you in or save you a space where I am or within my heart. You're out of time for that sort of grace and forgiveness your actions/inactions/choices didn't earn. Whatever you choose, that's what you get and not a damn thing more. Ain't time for that. And you don't want to know what I've seen that makes me say that, the things I carry inside me once the act of somebody's freewill choices move the pebble that had been holding back the flood and soon everyone will see and know and it won't be just me carrying it but damnit that doesn't make it any easier for us just because now everybody knows what until then only those with the precog second sight gifts like mine had seen.

 It's not easy to carry the gift of prophecy, the gift of curses, the gift of precogs, the gift of death sight, the gift of knowing every fucking "last times we will ever do this together" -- everybody who has ever shared that damn tumblr post meme about wishing there was a light lit up above someone to warn you of all your lasts... NO. YOU. FUCKING. DON'T. WANT. THAT. You might think you do, to add meaning into the moment, but ask anybody who has to live that way and you don't want it. You don't want to be mourning your losses and deaths while you're still living in the present moment of having the gift of who and what you have loved -- it doesn't make it more meaningful or magical to know and if you have even a shred of empathy you then carry that knowledge alone because you don't want to ruin the brightness of what they get to experience by telling them before they find out in the fulness of time. It's a weight of grieving ahead that you carry alone. Always.

Getting to see Skerryvore and get Martin hugs in February/March was a happy surprise from the Universe in the midst of it all.  (I don't precog the happy surprises -- as a child I asked to have my gift blinded for sports and happy surprises because life has more joy when you get to live the delights/emotions of it without ruining the happy surprises.) The next time they've got dates stateside is not a surprise to me -- Dan (Martin's brother) gave Keito the dates made sure she could ask off and she came right over to share and texted them to me because she knows my policy is, "Whoever gets me their dates first gets dibs on me holding it against other plans" so I have dates in September and dates in January carved out set aside for Skerryvore getting dibs on claiming those dates (if they can get their visas renewed and get here from Scotland as they plan) -- they got me dates before I could buy my summer/autumn APT tickets, before symphony season ordered (so we will not be adding on the Joshua Bell opening show add-on because they got me their dates first.) Working with Keito on trying to get some of the guys to do a portion of Bolero for me during their Fri Fox Cities Irishfest set after I  mentioned it's the piece in the programme I'm saddest to miss. I don't know how it happens, but I will get to see my favorite Scottish lads again still this life -- the best and brightest part for me of seeing Martin and all the rest of the guys in February/March was discovering that it wasn't a last time, there was no death sight dimming of "this will never happen again" for me when I saw them.  Not for any of the guys and not for any of my friends within the Celtic music community who are like chosen family -- none of them yet have the mark of the "last times" that can't be hidden from my death sight. And that is a bright light spark of hope to hold to as a promise -- I've been wrong before seen the last time death sight mark and someone has made active choices to say, "Fuck that path. Death ain't having me yet. And I'm not letting this connection fade out" and defy the fates by choosing consciously that is not how it will be even after I've seen it. It's rare, but it happens. Always by a strong force of will on the part of the person I saw the "last times" dimming and dimming more and more with them.  But I've never had a last time where I DIDN'T get the death sight "last times" dimming the time ahead -- not even freak accidents. I always know and the fact I didn't see it, didn't see it on any of them not even the very last night I was seeing them all before they flew back to Scotland after celebrating Martin's birthday here stateside and getting back so Dan could have his birthday a few days later with his family. And even more than getting the dates from Dan via Keito as a promise, it was what I didn't see, not getting the death sight "last time we will evers" dimming even on that last night before the guys were flying back that was the brightest shining beam of hope to me that I needed and didn't know I needed. 

 Anyway. I set this private for a long while because...  because what i saw coming was not a future where you want any ai scraper to know you've got the gift of precog or for your words to convince anyone that maybe, just maybe, such gifts could be real. And maybe just maybe they could be used, could be useful... I'm not a trained seal, I never will be. Ain't in my nature. And the things I see are mine to carry and mine to share only if i damn well choose to and only to those I trust who I think can help me carry it not be broken by the knowing and only if/when I believe me telling will somehow help and make things a bit brighter and easier. My prcogs ain't for sale, they ain't never been. not in any life. And you cannot force them from me unless I free will choose to share them. But there are those in this world who don't need to be tempted by the thought they could somehow force those truths from me. And we have been going through a time where I didn't want my truths and stories written here available to data miners and ai scrapers... And such a feeling will happen again, and sooner than you think. This is a brief reprieve and lull when it's safe for me to have it here for n'improte qui the truth that worse was coming. And worse is still coming. 

 But anyway. Winter Storm Elsa is barreling down toward me with a blizzard warning -- but I have St. Patrick's Day brunch plans with my parents and best friend tomorrow. And then holed up at home with my pets and my books and music as the lashing rain and freezing rain and ice and snow at the rate of over an inch an hour and not knowing until the morning if the roads will be clear enough for if I will have to courier SVD drive downtown in the mess over to the east side. And then later that day buying my share of the APT tickets. And after all the plans around St. Patrick's Day celebrating through Tues and then SVD (Special Voting Deputy) assignments across the week. And the rest of the month my calendar is quite empty for me to fill I don't yet know how. And I will keep carrying and seeing what my gifts show me and waiting for the world to catch up, waiting for the collective psyche to catch up so we can fight and build from that point something better closer to what the majority of us actually fucking want rather than all the events in motion I've seen we have to endure and remember the lessons repeating in them.  And I will keep focusing my time and my energy and my love and my dreams into those who choose me and choose to actually be IN my life, those who keep coming back to sharing time with me creating memory sparks together as a want to, not an ought to or forced to. You're not likely to cross my path again or find a window into my thoughts/feeling/soul  as this has been unless you choose m, choose me for you life as you live it. There isn't time for promising anything else right now. And it gets so much worse before it starts to get better.... If you're following along at the passing of the fleeting present moments, you've not even yet come to the worst parts of it all....

 Anyway, here's your catchup of astro poets horoscopes if you've been missing them. Maybe should have waited til tomorrow to post this set this all back from being private to authors to instead being public but unlisted. Maybe I'll put the most recent one for the upcoming week at the end of these as an edit if I think of it. Or maybe not. Qui sait?

Astro Poets Horoscope:

"Week of 2/15 in Libra: The feathers are soon. That doesn’t mean either. It means soon you will walk into the room. What will you say? Only you know that."

"Week of 2/15 in Pisces: Some light remains. And an orange single thread. Does it connect? Nothing does. Everything remains." 

"Week of 2/22 in Libra: It wasn’t what you expected. But it was better. And when you could wait, you did. Let it be in birds. Let it be in butterflies."

"Week of 2/22 in Pisces: Fruit and things. Enjoy the sweetness. It all circles back. It all blesses in silence. This is not the end." 

"Week of 3/1 in Libra: Some sun. Some love. Some green. Take it. Do it."

"Week of 3/1 in Pisces: Some treats. Could you have it. You talk with substance. To the gold. To the piece of gold in the breeze."

"Week of 3/8 in Libra: You moved a mountain. And then some. Sweet love. The sweetest cake. Eat it now."

"Week of 3/8 in Pisces: You don’t have to make an argument. It will be there as it is. Following from one to the other. Standing up in line. Saying it as it was in the beginning." 

"Week of 3/15 in Libra: A true green. Made its way into your future. Let loose an envelope. The bats endured. The meaning shifted." 

"Week of 3/15 in Pisces: Lyrical propulsion. And knowing an opening. Something residing within the mind. And it can be. And it must be."