O, it's not that I'm giving up on the bond or trying to silence it back to dormancy or push it away or anything like that -- I still want it, but I hold no expectations or hope or lying to myself that it will become manifest real in this lifetime no matter how deep my wanting.  It's not even that I expect anything to happen with Martin -- he's not the sort of guy who lacks for options or shies away from taking them when offered and Sept is a long ways away still. It's just that even with that knowledge, so far his presence has only ever brought sunshine into my life even when he's actively man whoring with a hot needy girl on his arm throwing herself at him for his attention because he is physically a constant thirst trap, lol. Like, I'm not going to lie to myself about who he is or how he has been -- there's just a mutual attraction there and whenever he's around or nearby, everything is a bit sunshine brighter. I know when I know him from in his past lives and I know why that mutual attraction is there even when he has another girl fawning on him hanging off him. And I know there's no reason for me to expect him not to be with anyone else back home in Glasgow or while touring next. Just acknowledging it's there and palpable and just because it's never yet been acted in doesn't mean we never will.

It's more of.... Just a complete acceptance of the choices made that got us to where we are and the acknowledgement that as things stand based on the choices past and actions/inactions, there is no place for me in Eric's life and I am neither welcomed nor wanted by some of the most important people/groups to him due to those people's choices of bullying via ostracism and there have been no actions and no path toward changing that. And that just... It is what it is. And I need to accept that isness and make my own choices in a place of complete acceptance that those are their free will choices and for myself I must look elsewhere for what brings joy and love and brightness in my life -- to focus on those who choose me, choose to be in my life and my lived experience. 

It's not a giving up or lessening of love or desire. Just an acceptance of how it is in this time/place (and has been for so very long now since the events that set this trajectory of ripples into motion) and the choices that got us to where we are. It's a setting aside of the wanting as something I can't have in my lived life at this time with the way things are and the free will choices that got us to this isness of this moment in time.  A looking elsewhere into those who choose me, choose to be in my life, and not holding out for those who don't choose me and consistently tell me they don't want me I'm not welcome at their table. 

And a feeling of deep down to the cellular level acceptance of that truth of this isness in this moment and this trajectory of choices and events that got us to here. And in that complete acceptance about the truth of his life path choices, there was a recalibrating and refocusing of my own heart to invest it into those who choose me choose to show up be a part of my life as it is lived this lifetime. 

And that hasn't shifted. Doesn't much matter if I feel him reaching for me down the bond or all I feel is the empty spaces of other choices that could have been made, through it all is the acceptance of the isness of the choices/events that got us to this crossroads and the truth of its isness. 

And that has nothing to do with any choices Martin does or doesn't make back home in Glasgow or away on tour between now and Sept.  It's not even about him other than acknowledging the long standing mutual attraction and the past life karmic ties that promise healing good growth this life if we choose it and how it just feels like sunshine whenever we are together sharing moments of space/time. What this recent eclipse season brought me is just an inner place of accepting the isness of things and setting aside anything else I want it to be in the name of accepting it for what it is. 

It's not the way it has to be, it's just the way it is because of the choices others have made and the ripples of those choices. It's a deep acceptance of the isness and a personal choice to focus my attention and love elsewhere where it is wanted and welcomed because what else is a girl to do?

Different choices could make a different isness, like a pool shark completely change the trajectories of all the billiard balls still on the table. But it ain't my turn to take a shot and even if it was, I can't hit any of the balls without scratching to change things make me wanted/welcome by the people whose past/ongoing choices ostracized me created the reality where I'm not welcome in his life. It ain't my turn and I don't have any angle to change this isness by making different choices. And I have accepted that. Accepted the truth of it so deeply I can feel the acceptance of the truth of isness for this juncture in this life as it is lived, feel that acceptance of isness within every cell of my being.

It's not judgement of others choices that got us to this isness, it's just acceptance of them and their consequences and the realities they created. If you want me around, choose me to have me in your life. If you won't make that choice, why should you expect any of my attention, energy, or love? 

And I don't think it should be a particularly unexpected or weird take. The weirdest part about it is probably how long it took me to let go of stubborn hope and expectations of somehow getting a different outcome despite the evidence of the choices made when they were made and the ripples of them that created this isness.

It's not a change of heart, it's an acceptance of isness and the free will choices others made that got us to this isness. Things can be changed with intention and a shared will/desire to change things -- but that won't happen without honesty with oneself about how things are now and the clarity to truth speak about the events and choices that got us here.

You can find or create a path from where you are through anything, the important question is always "does this path lead me to anywhere I want to get to? Or do I need to make other choices to forge another path to get where I want to be?" And that's a personal question, not one I can answer for you. 

Astro Poets Horoscopes: 

"Week of 3/22 in Libra: You have found friendship. That is reason enough to sing. So let it be so. This special name. Where love can be the best of it." 

"Week of 3/22 in Pisces: Yellow and green. They leave themselves. So it is pink. Nothing is forgiven with words. It is language."