November/December Book List

 Books Read:

~Nina Raine, Tribes (68 pgs) [This was a powerful play I am grateful to have seen live at APT this seas last season]

~Naomi Novik, A Deadly Education (313 pgs) [I had been really looking forward to this series and I was very excited when I found it used then saving it for dark academia season and once I got into it I found it hard to make me keep reading it to get invested in it. Part of it was the central character was so full of hate and loneliness and distrust of everyone presuming herself to be evil at the start that i found it an uncomfortable persona to try to sit within -- but as she realized she didn't hate or distrust the individuals, especially as she learned to see them as people not just basest motives,she hated the system that they were forced to try to survive within making the bad vs worse type decisions the system tried to make her make then redirected her righteous fury to the system itself, I grew to really love the character and see her in me and me in her. I grew to love it and the deeper I got into the series, the more I loved it and the quicker I finished reading it. In a good way!]

~Naomi Novik, The Last Graduate (388 pgs)

~Naomi Novik, The Golden Enclaves (407 pgs) [the extended metaphor central to this trilogy as a critique of colonialist/consumerist/neo-liberal capitalist exploitation is most visible in this book. I don't see the way to translate her solution into our real world, but if nothing else it is a good lens for seeing and understanding the ROOT cause/evil of the problem -- so you can start working at solutions for the cause rather than just attacking the symptoms.]

~The Prophecies of Nostradamus, edited & translated by Erika Cheetham (439 pgs) [prophecies are dual language with the French and an English translation as well as an English historical context/believed match for the prophecy; some are fascinating but when I read all of them, I found them underwhelming, vague, and open to interpretation after the fact as opposed to being clear before the fact]

~Naomi Novik, Uprooted (438 pgs) [this was really good, but I felt I read it in the wrong season. It feels like a summer read. Specifically midsummer solstice to autumnal equinox read. On like a hot muggy humid day where everything is growing to excess and/or there's the slight smell of rot/decay from what is dead already returning to the earth.]

~Naomi Novik, Spinning Silver (466 pgs) [this was really good, though probably my least favorite of the Novik books I read this November. The time to read this is in blizzards and snow storms, and the day I started it we got our first snow to stay and the day I read most of it and finished it was the huge record setting snow storm Sat after Thanksgiving.]

~Shane Hawk & Theodore C. Van Alst Jr. (editors), Never Whistle at Night (400 pgs) 

~Celtic Tales: Fairy Tales and Stories of Enchantment from Ireland, Scotland, Brittany, and Wales (176 pgs)

~Naomi Novik, Buried Deep and Other Stories (428 pgs) [this had a short story that takes place after the Scholomance trilogy as well as one related to the stand alone fairy tale worlds -- thus why I decided to read these and the fairytale retellings now between the short stories collection before reading the related stories. There are also some stories set in the universe of her Temerraire series, but I don't own any of them and there's like 9 of them or something ridiculous so I don't expect to own them to read them any time soon.]

~Henri Bergson, Le rire. Essai sur la signification du comique (86 pgs) [yes, I read this in the original French; French is easier for me than English. It's definitely a past life thing. If I get really exhausted or drink too much, I forget English completely and can only speak in French though the internal translation of other people speaking English remains intelligible to me -- I just lose the ability to speak it. That said, I don't have many opportunities to practice speaking French so I make a lot more faults of grammar than I used to....]

 ~Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Meek One (57 pgs)

~Hannah Arendt, The Origins of Totalitarianism (527 pgs)  

~Diane Wilson, The Seed Keeper (372 pgs) [I bought this novel a while ago but hadn't read it and then on a whim picked it off the shelf to be my airplane travel read while I was finishing packing late at night/early the morning I was getting a 4am pickup for the flight out to visit my sister's family. I was probably influenced to pull it off the shelf because it kept being recommended in bookish emails for Native American History Month (in Nov) but I had others I was reading that month like the short story collection so it was intuitive more than logical I grabbed this one for the flight since I'd already long since picked out and packed my books for this visit. This book is amazingly good, I HIGHLY recommend it whether your interest is the indigenous experience, how colonialism broke up the culture and families, environmentalism, land use, heirloom seeds/gardening/land stewardship, or just stories about healing oneself and healing ancestral lineages and healing the land itself as our first mother. I read most of it between my flights and airplane time, but then it took me several days to finish since I had Sun and Mon plans then spent the rest of the first week wrapping gifts while the kids were at school and spending time ine with family once the kids were back. It was really good, I just didn't have introvert time for much reading. But it was so good!! And reading it in winter on my flight to my Minne layover then flying over the Dakotas suits this novel very much!!!]

~Carl Sandburg, Cornhuskers (79 pgs)

~Edith Pattou, East (507 pgs) [I've had this duology for a long while now and packed it for my visit to to my sister's family because it felt like a good vibe for it. I enjoyed it very much. It's a retelling of the fairytale East of the Sun, West of the Moon -- the one where the prince had been enchanted into a polar bear. It has always been among my favorite fairytales. It did keep my polar bear top of mind while reading these books, even if I did unfollow him again for once again reposting something to his stories that was from the band or his sister and to me just showed up as the black screen with white writing of "post is Unavailable" when someone shares something from an account that blocked you. It was like morning of Christmas Eve Eve and I had an instant, "Nope. Not letting this disregulate my emotions by reminding me of the acts of ostracism the girls created and have continued to defend since 2018. My present moment matters more and if he's going to do that and take part in their girl bullying "you can't sit with us" head games, no matter what it was he shared and whatever his reasons, then I don't want him in my present or to give him further opening to disregulate me unexpectedly in the future over something as petty as the girls behaviors towards me in the bands name." And so I looked up his profile and I followed him immediately for it. What part of "I'm done with feeding into the old patterns and if you can't offer me better than I will leave and look elsewhere" did you not understand?! Anyway. My polar bear has his email list and dream space as the only ways to reach me now short of showing up on my doorstep saying he has something to tell me. And that's due to his choices, his actions.]

~Edith Pattou, West (536 pgs) [this is the sequel to East it is the story of how her white bear loses all memory of her due to an enchantment and her baby is stolen and how her quest to find her lost husband with no memory of her and rescue their bairn brings her white bear back to her even whilst they must learn each other all over again without him recognizing her or knowing how deeply he has loved her before his memories were taken from him. It is also quite good and also a quick read. They are both very re-readable and resonate echoes within me and I'm not sure why I never read them before this.]

~Lin Yutang (translator/teller), Famous Chinese Short Stories (299 pgs) [this book is from the 1950s and is originally a 35 cent cheap paperback -- it's in fairly fragile condition and I probably shouldn't have chosen it and packed it for this trip out to Seattle area... O well, once I thought of that I was already at my sister and brother-in-law's house with my family and couldn't undo it, only try to be gentle on it and pack it to being back home hope it got there safely with me.... ]

 

 Books Acquired:

~Robert Bains, The Clans and Tartans of Scotland (this is a really cool book that's bound in a tartan pattern that I debated buying but I DO want it for my collection was seeking advice from bookish friends if it was worth $10 and somehow I ended up promising a friend who moved to Hawaii in 2019 and moved out there for  a...complicated...situationship that she met online but who has apparently been looking for a copy of this title that it can be hers only IF claims it in person from me to redeem it with a hug but until then it will be a part of my own personal library. I don't know if or when she will ever come back to the Midwest, especially with their family home in Detroit sold, but if she does or the next time I visit Big Island, the book can be hers IF she remembers my promise and sees me in person to redeem it with a hug. Fae rules with me -- I don't knowingly break a promise but you should pay attention to the conditions/wording of it if you intend to hold me to it. Kinda fitting I put a geas conditional promise she has to claim it from me in eprson to a good friend on whose library a plaid covered books Clans and Tartans of Scotland should belong to 😂 Such a me thing to do )

~Terry Brooks, The Voyage of the Jerle Shannara: Morgawr (this is one of the Shannara books I'm missing; I read most of the earlier ones back in middle/high school borrowed from the library and loved them but by the time I started buying them to reread and own for myself (my da didn't own them in his collection) he's started the followup series in the world and now I'm trying to pick them up used but not buy the ones I already own but haven't read; this is true of a lot of older fantasy series I've only partially read and don't want to reread til I find them all. I have a lot of fantasy series to  buy so I can reread the ones I read ages ago before reading new to me quests in my library if anyone ever wants to go hunting for things to keep me in place at home not wandering off, lol. As a bonus though, this was in the clearance section so it was only a $2 gamble it might be one of three I knew I needed -- and I won!)

~Joseph Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces (I have been wanting to give this a reread before reading Tatar's The Heroine with 1.001 Faces which I picked up a while ago but it hasn't been a major priority for me to buy myself a second copy (I gave mine away to Max's boyfriend whose name I can't recall while he had moved in with Max living in my Spare Oom; technically, I had loaned him my copy because he was curious one night Max and I were discussing the Hero's Journey model and he hasn't finished it when he graduated and the two boys moved out of Spare Oom up to Minneapolis. Like we are (or were) facebook friends but I can't remember his name, just memories of his energy and stories/memories shared including that I gave him my copy of Campbell so he could finish it knowing I could pick up a used copy at any time.) But it's not been a priority to me to get another copy especially since literary criticism is in the back of a shelf in my double stacked unread nonfiction -- I'm going to have to find a completely different organizational system for my books if I ever get into a serious live in relationship with another reader. Anyway, Eric brought it up in his email about shaping his album's songs around his own version of the Hero's Journey arc and I liked that and I happened to go used book shopping the day after I read his email so decided to look and had my choice of three copies on the shelf.)

~Kristin Cashore, Seasparrow

~Cassandra Clare, The Ragpicker King

~Blake Crouch, Recursion

~Barbara Davis, The Echo of Old Books

~Alastair Dunn, The Great Rising of 1381

~Flametree Publishing (editor), African Ghost Short Stories

~Flametree Publishing (editor), Japanese Myths & Tales

~Flametree Publishing (editor), Quests & Journeys Myths & Tales

~Namina Forna, The Eternal Ones

~Gregory of Tours, The History of the Franks

~Ernestine Hayes, The Tao of Raven

~Vi Hilbert, Haboo: Native American Stories from the Puget Sound

~Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic 2 (formerly published as The Book of Magic which I was having the damnedest time finding not in hardcover and I have the rest in paperback and I like to have my books match on the shelf if possible... I'm glad to have the text of it but I may still pick up a copy of it under the original title because I'm that sort of book collector and reader)

~Chelsea Iverson, The Witches at the End of the World

~Yume Kitasei, The Deep Sky

~Brenda Ralph Lewis, Tartans: From Scottish Clans to Canadian Provinces

~Elise Loehnen, On Our Best Behavior: The Price Women Pay To Be Good

~Hannah Lynn, A Spartan's Sorrow

~Silvia Moreno-Garcia, The Seventh Veil of Salome 

~Haruki Murakami, Men Without Women

~Lauren Oliver, Delirium Stories

~Margaret Owen, The Merciful Crow

~Courtney Peppernell, Out of the Ashes

~A. B. Poranek, Where the Dark Stands Still

~Richard Powers, Playground

~Ava Reid, A Theory of Dreaming

~Ava Reid, An Archive of Romance

~Allison Saft, A Dark and Drowning Tide

~Sir Walter Scott, The Bride of Lammermoor

~Emma Seckel, The Wild Hunt

~Neal Shusterman, Gleanings

~Rebecca Thorne, Tea You at the Altar

~Rebecca Thorne, Alchemy and a Cup of Tea

~L. S. Walker, The Witch and the Woodcutter

~D. E. Weingand, Crystal Saga 4: 11 -- Adjusting the Future & 12 -- A Spectrum of Futures

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 O I'm not saying he has to do anything (free will is sacrosanct for me so I'm not keen on imposing ought tos on anyone) or that I expect it (though it would make me very happy, I don't EXPECT it) or that I have any sort of rights to knowing his truths (other than those he chooses to share) or that I would even feel I could ask for that sort of certainty (even if I acknowledge it would likely alter my choices to know.) I just wanted to be clear about my nature and how/why it would shift things for me make my choices more predictable (or at least what I wouldn't do could be more predictable) to be gifted knowing these things IF it's true. The Delphic wisdom inscribed above the Pythia is "gnōthi seauton"  which translates to "know thyself" it doesn't mean "know the truths of others" and it is from that Delphic  place that I wrote the last post. From the place of knowing myself and knowing what would definitely make me finally throw out those sorts of ways of thinking/behaving. 

And. For the record. It wasn't an internal pendulum swing starting to move back within me or an insistence I need the answers now or an impatience in me prompted the last two posts. Honestly in my quotidian living, I'm just trying to get the last minute things done before I leave (I still have like 20 hours of work to get done for this week between tonight and tomorrow (don't yet know if I will try to get hours in on Sat towards next week to use fewer PTO days given how bitterly cold Sat will be and still needing to pack) because EVERYBODY wanted to make plans right before I was leaving since they likely won't see me again until next year and errands and packing before I leave) and I frankly don't have time for starting anything new before next year (I get back in on the morning of the 30th then have end of month and end of year things to get done immediately at work.) Between now and next year, I have time for the PROMISE of starting something new, but I dont have the free time just now to throw everything else aside and dive in the deep end of investing myself into anything new and I will hardly have much introvert time during my visit to Seattle/Kirkland/Edmonds let alone even time for phone calls or zoom or anything -- my time is pretty well claimed from 7am til 10-11pm every day with family time doing stuff when I visit them and the kids are all vying for my attention whenever they're not at school from when their alarm clocks turn green at 7am until their 8pm bedtime (and Monroe always wants me to stay and have a sleepover with her until she falls asleep.) Technically I usually have time during the day while the kids are at school and my sister and my brother-in-law are work from home -- but that's only the first week and Cath Cath is stealing me Mon to hang out go see Hamnet and go to Edmonds bookstor and for me to meet her new kitty Bear. And then the rest of my days will be wrap-a-pa-looza 2025 while the kids are at school the first week before their winter break -- and only after everything that Miche and Jon have for me to wrap (I wrap my gifts at night after everyone has gone to bed generally) is wrapped will I maybe have some introvert time for reading or catching up on anything during the school/work hours. So really, I don't have any time to invest into nurturing something new that needs my time/attention. So it's not at all me going all Veruca Salt "but I want it NOW!" demanding or impatience or anything in sharing that last one. I mean, I'd welcome with open arms make what time I could if he showed up in my lived life right now, but realistically nearly all my time from now until next year has claims on it.... Which would make it pretty awful of me to be demanding, "but I want it NOOOOOOW!" not have any patience in the unfolding of things in divine timing when we're both ready best setup for success. 

 It's more just sometimes, after I dash out my stream of consciousness writing here, I sort of forget about whatever I wrote and then when I'm in a state of quiétude, I'll feel these questions and réactions bubbling up inside my quiet spaces (the place of tranquility innermost in me where so often the music plays or echos through the quiet as well as the emotions that reach me down the bond that aren't the overwhelmingly strong heady ones that flood everything inside me) and when the questions feel tinged with some sort of anxiety or questioning or something that feels not what I meant, that's when I come back to use writing to help me clarify the answers within myself. That's why sometimes these start off like a reply to a conversation when I know quite well I'm just writing it out to a blank page. But it's because I'm responding to those questions/emotions bubbling up in the quiet spaces about things I didn't overthink when writing but the questions made me realize how it could be misunderstood.  I don't claim the questions and anxiety come from anyone else, maybe it's just my subconscious, but with my gifts I cant claim them to be my own and they don't feel like me though they feel as close to me as they can be without being mine. Right now it's more to soothe what I hear in those questions rising up in my quiet space than to try to see the forms of my own emotions or agitation. My emotions are actually still in that calm lapping little patient wavelets of faith and trust that things are unfolding as they are meant to and to keep my focus on living my own life best I can and somewhere across the horizon of time there's a point nearby where I'll see it all clearly and be grateful for what is now and what is coming that I can't yet see.  

I'm not trying to agitate to make things happen sooner or because of any impatience or unease in me right now, it's to help soothe out those questions that bubbled up in my inner quiet. 

Which maybe doesn't make much sense, but it's the best I can explain it right now. Because right now this morning is when it was bubbling up inside me the anxiety overthinking questions about why all these recent clarifications and what I expect from them and if it means a shift in my emotional seas after so much silence.... And I don't expect anything from sharing these recent truths of mine, I was just trying to put them in words form to better share them to help soothe the previous sets of overthinking questions. 

I mean, I'm still sitting in the place of not knowing how much he recognizes or feels the pull of the bond or how awake any of his gifts or memories are. I know my own subjective experiences of how it pulls and flows and feels when it's blocked and the emotions/overlays I always receive from him when the bond is vibrantly alive not asleep and I have THEORIZED that the bond couldn't be taut like a tuned guitar string that the emotions resonate down the way they do for me without it pulling with equal force on each attachment point so he has to feel it inside him same force as I do (both when it's healthy taut and when it goes unreachable slack asleep) even if he doesn't know what it is or to whom it attaches.... But I don't actually know that, it's just another theory of mine based on physics and how tension/resonance propagation work.  So I don't even know if he can feel it or how he experiences the tug of it (if he does) or the absences of it or how it affects him or what he wants. So I can't make any assumptions about him wanting me or my place in the happiness he seeks other than to say I can't dismiss the idea now that I thought of it that IF I am any part of the happiness he desires THEN me trying to let him go is working against his happiness even if I tell myself I'm doing it to try to free him to reach whatever his (unknown to me) chosen happiness might be. Hell, I don't even know if he's single or dating anyone right now (I just know he hasn't felt so strongly emotionally tied with anyone as to send me overlay flashes of his moments of strong emotions that I feel voyeuristic in seeing/experiencing through him so I struggle to put the bond to sleep whenever he does that sends me those sorts of strong emotional moments with another woman overlays.) and if he was dating someone else, I would rather deserve him looking elsewhere again given the amount of time this year I spent trying to tell myself to let him go and look elsewhere for myself, he would be well within any sense of fairness to have also been looking around himself to invest his heart elsewhere. I mean. For all I know, he might not even be thinking or feeling anything about me and I'm just wanting what I want unrequited with a one way bond.... I dont think that's the situation, but looking only at empirical things I know, I can't prove it isn't his truth.

I'm going to go wrinkle release run the dryer that finished while I was off to fetch us lunch then put the kettle on for another cuppa tea then back to reading and listening to Eric's songs (been on all day again) and chatting with Mikaela. (She didn't know what she wanted for music and I told her this is what we've been listening to and Griffin loves best of everything he's heard. And she said, "Let's listen to his solo songs then. I don't remember being overly angry at him over how the girls treated you in the bands name. I just don't like listening to the band songs anymore because they remind me of all that. It gives me a not great feelings now to listen to the bands songs so I don't. But I don't think I was ever upset with him personally." Which, she's a Taurus sun with a Leo rising so a lot of loyal pride/stubborn protectiveness in her (as opposed to my justice peace seeking deep empathy seeing both sides as a Libra sun with Pisces rising) and she doesn't have ADHD the way I do where I forget I was ever angry at someone once they stop making me actively angry so unlike me, my 20 year old bonus little sister unrelated to me DOES hold a grudge for a VERY long time if you're mean to anyone she cares about, lol.  I mean, my anger burns hot and fast and destructive while it lasts (especially it can eff up electronics, even just sparks of minor irritation in me can mess up anything electrical or fry light bulbs) but it's like a lightning strike or flash flood -- it's intense when it happens but it flashes out then it's over quickly and only the scars to heal of whatever it destroyed but nothing else that lingers or lasts.  I can remember an injustice that needs to be righted, but I don't hold onto the emotions or stay angry or hold a grudge -- I'll just remember that your accounts with Ma'at are uneven and the scales need to be adjusted if you really messed them up but that's really as much as I carry. I tend to remember the good not the difficult or bad -- once you clear the injustice aspect of things I will literally never remember it or bring it up ever again. The stubborn loyalty of a Taurus though, they hold the grudge and Mikaela is no exception to that rule. She stays angrier more annoyed at people for me  than I ever do. Even as a small child she was very overprotective of me. During a previous World Cup when she was like five, she was spending her summer days with me so I brought her with me to pubs to color and have lunch together while I watched the matches and one time at Claddagh the waiter was flirting with me wouldn't leave kept coming back and little five year old Mikaela just sets down her crayon and glares at him before telling him, "YOU aren't her polar bear. YOU aren't her prince. Go away, she wants to watch the soccer." She was right, I did want to watch the game and he wasn't my prince, but I never would have been so rude as to say that. He turned bright red then left us alone other than checking on drinks at the break between halves (during which she glowered at him but said nothing) and the bill for the rest of the time we were there for the match. I had to fight the whole rest of the game my laughter at her protectiveness over me because I didn't want to encourage bad behavior in a small child, but also it was objectively hilarious! So she has spent as long refusing to listen to ANY Delta Rae songs because she's angry at them for how I was treated as the number of years she spent having them be her absolute favorite band in her formative years as a kid being the only band we ever listened to when she was with me and what she used to play to fall asleep before the messes created in oct 2018. She also won't listen to We Banjo 3 for like 5 years now even though they were her replacement favorite ever since we learned around covid time about them referring to their fans as their cash cows and making jokes in bad taste about milking their cash cows and not properly appreciative of their fans leaning too much into the greed models of the modern music industry.

And she also decided that she very much loves Eric's album and the downloads from 100 songs that I have on my laptop and she can see why I would love them and why I and the animals have been listening to his songs on repeat lately.  I did tell her if she got tired of it I could turn it to something else if she asks but she hasn't asked. She did say something interesting about it. After lunch she was smiling beatifically on the couch and said, "I'm happy full from lunch and have a cozy cocoa. And the animals let me love on them, even Griffin did. And just being here always makes me happy." Me laughing, "I'm glad being here makes you happy. If it didn't I'd wonder at you coming to visit so often." She smiled, "It's one of my very happy places, being here hiding from the world among the books and art. In a bubble of Dani energy. And this album, these songs, they feel like they belong here in your energy -- just extra joy and peace having his music mixed in with your brightness." 

Anyway. Laundry extra time in the dryer to make it warm so I want to hug into me to actually fold it not ADHD doom pile it somewhere. And plugging in my phone (it's not that dead for me, 28%.) And then kettle for tea. And then back to reading until it's time to go fold the last of the laundry. And singing along on the songs whenever I feel like it, lol. 

 How is it that I know that would be enough for me to discard that way of thinking and yet I cannot actually discard it? Well. because. I know how my brain works, I know about me that I will reject a theory if given new evidence/truths that contradicts the hypothesis and then try to build something better to understand/model what I can observe to be going on. I KNOW this about me as how my brain understands makes sense of my subjective view of reality. But the important part there is EVIDENCE and TRUTH is what will change my mind to discard a bad theory/hypothesis. And I don't have truth, I don't have evidence. To get truth/evidence, I'd need to know what his truth IS and I have no way at this time of knowing that so I can't just discard it be like, "Well that was a shite idea of mine. Sorry. Right then, letting him go leaving him isn't a theory or path even to be considered if it will take from him the happiness he seeks for himself." Even knowing exactly what would be enough for me to just discard that ways of thinking as a bad hypothesis isn't enough for me to discard it because I know what evidence would break it but I don't know that such evidence IS true. Which means I can't yet discard the ideas.

What I have is a conditional clause -- an if then. And an if then is not the same as learning/knowing a truth -- a conditional, it's not enough for me to discard a working hypothesis on a conditional unknown maybe. And I'm not willing to lie to myself in either direction, because I don't know which the lie and which the truth. I just know the ifs about it. An if then is just "IF this is true THEN I know this idea is terrible shite and I must discard it."but it's not the same as "This is true and I made a mistake and I need to completely discard this idea/plan and start over try again for something that accepts and integrates this truth into whatever I decide to do." Even just considering that as an if/then was a lot for me to take in when I first realized it and started writing about it here -- it made me feel such deep guilt and remorse at the possibility that I had unintentionally done such a cruel thing to him. To have hurt him deeply by taking away the one thing he needs for the happiness he seeks in the name of telling myself it would help him be able to have whatever happiness he was seeking... It made me so upset with me, I had such sorrow to think me guilty of that to someone I'd not ever have intentionally hurt... Just the thinking it could be true gave me pause and a need to reconsider and be certain before taking any further actions without better knowledge of what he wants for himself but holding onto it as an if/then conditional clause wasn't enough to break that way of thinking, it was just enough to make me cautious not want to do it except as an absolute last resort if that was what I was shown he needed of me by his choices. Thinking it and questioning it was enough to make me cautious about the possibility it could be a source of pain to him and not even attempt it if it would hurt him more than it could ever heal him for me to give up let him go. But not enough to completely break the idea so i wouldn't even consider it.

 It's one thing to know ahead of time exactly  how to break an idea of mine so I would discard it, but it's another to have the truth that would break it. Without that, I can't discard it from my possible choices I might make. I don't have that evidence, I don't know it to be true -- right now I only know IF it's true then it would break me from even considering trying that again.

 I know for certain it would break that idea for me so I wouldn't even be willing to consider it -- I just don't know what his truth IS so knowing I WOULD discard it if I knew that truth is about all I've got as a promise right now not to consider it. 

 *shrugs* You can't give someone the freedom to pursue the happiness they seek if you take away from them what they need as part of the happiness they seek. That's obvious.  Even trying to square that circle would be a cruelty, never a kindness. And that's not something I would ever knowingly do.  IF it were true, IF I knew it to be true. And it's why knowing his truth could break that way of thinking so I wouldn't even consider it, wouldn't try to remove me from the picture. I'd know I'm a part of that picture, not an impediment in the way making it more difficult for him to get there. It's just not a thing I know right now, I only know it would be enough for me to break that idea never revisit it again as long as I knew his truth to still be true. 

It really sucks to know how to break your own toxic thought looping patterns and exactly what you would need to do it and to not be able to get the knowledge that would allow you to do it, to finally be able to break it and discard it as a toxic bad way of thinking or trying to act.  

I wish I could just discard it though. I think it's one of the many things in this mess that served a purpose for its time but is now wrong-headed/wrong-hearted so it needs to be unlearned and a better way found for us moving forward.  

So. Some further thoughts while drinking tea listening to Griffin's favorite playlist (Eric's solo album and songs I have downloaded) again/still interspersed with the crashing clangs outside from the snow plows and snow blowers clearing last night's fresh snow off the streets/walks/lots while waiting for the sunrise to decide how I intend to use my daytime hours today. 

I mean, sure my theory could be wrong -- but it should really be tested before discarding it. the only data points we have right now is the control of what happens when things go awry or when  I get to overthinking then act out on my good logic on faulty/bad premises during time/space where holding each other hasn't been any part of the working through how we deal with it. And, well, we can see how those data points have played out in the past cycles, how badly the system functions without hugging it out and holding onto each other in the system plans. What we don't have are data points of what would happen if we could hug and hold each other as part of processing those thoughts/feelings/assumptions before taking any reactionary actions. We lack any data points to refute (or confirm) the theory. 

So I'm just going to go on believing it true, even while it's only just a fantasy daydream not any part of our lived realities, until such a time as I have it proven to me it isn't true it would help. Which, even if that happened that somehow it didn't help us solve things find better answers, we'd still have gotten through to a point where the hugging and holding each other could be real not just in dream space and fantasies and contingent precogs -- and I think really that would be a thing of celebrating and joy itself. At least from my perspective it would be.

I mean, I see it only as a column full of wins to find out if the hypothesis holds true. Because either way there gets to be the hugging and holding, which would definitely be a win and we would have to solve/heal the seeming obstacles that have steered us far away from any course to get us there, also a win. And if we give it a try then the wanting can't overwhelm either of us into making bad decisions thinking there's no way to get what we want -- definitely in the win column. And then we either a) find out my theory is true and then we have part of finding much healthier ways of dealing with each other and the madness of the world or b) we find out it doesn't help as much as we hoped but we still healed ourselves to the point we can hug/hold each other when we want and choose to. And either way that's still for the win column. 

Honestly, I'm having a hard time looking for something isn't in the win column testing out the theory. Best I got is it turns out we don't fit together like matched puzzle pieces, we fit like knives and spoons tossed in the same drawer with no organizer, and best we can do is let the bond be and care from a distance or in a friendly but not personal way -- and then we could both be honestly with someone else who does fit us better. And that's dubiously still a win -- because it could be disappointing and hurt to learn/realize, but also it would free us to seek where true happiness might be and we would know at least we tried so we could move on from wanting to assuage the intensity of the pull between our souls in that way.

I mean, that's the best I got actively seeking for a devil's advocate argument of how it wouldn't bring us wins choosing to find out if this theory of mine is true... And that's really just an argument that the worst case scenario is still a disappointingly dubious long-term win.  

So my vote is that we should try testing the theory. For science. Clearly. Purely scientific interest in it over here. Riiiiight.... but for reals, I'm genuinely not seeing anything but wins in deciding to get to the part of the story where we can try out the theory to prove or disprove it.

At least that's my "fresh snowfall too early for sunrise so listening to music and tea drinking before starting a different book after just finishing one" feelings on the matter. 

I mean, am I wrong? Is there something I've missed in my contemplations on applying the scientific method of hypothesis testing to the idea that we could solve most of everything that's ever gone awry between us by wrapping our arms around each other while discussing it? Wanna tell me what that is that I missed? Could I interest you in a hug while you tell me why I'm wrong and how there's anything but wins in us choosing to test out this theory? I can make one of those "free hugs" signs if that might convince you. With glitter glue and stickers and even a polar bear if you really want one on the free hugs sign. (I'm actually quite good at sketching polar bears.) Think about it. 

P. S. All joking aside, part of how my head works is that when I have an idea or a hypothesis, I have to try to break it before I can even start to accept it. Which is why it's very important that if I'm missing pieces of important information you communicate tell me because as soon as you break the idea I will discard it even if I don't have anything better yet. Like, quite literally, if you wanted to break me of the idea that I should let go of Eric for him to find the happiness he seeks for himself, all that would be needed to break it would be for him to make clear to me that losing me or me leaving him would hurt him and is absolutely NOT any part of his happiness he desires. That's it. Done. Broken. Because when I don't know what he wants, me desiring he have the happiness he chooses for his life is vague and could mean anything so it makes sense for me to get out of the way BUT the moment he ever let me know how deeply upsetting it would be to lose me, the MOMENT I understand with certainty it would be the exact opposite of bringing him closer to happiness, would be the moment I would NEED to discard the entire theory and never ever act on it or give it crédence. Because it was broken, proven false. Which is why when I say even in jest that I can't break an idea, even an idea as flippant as thinking Eric and I could fix most things between us if we could hold each other while discussing it, that's me saying it's actually an incredibly good theory, one worth moving forward on making real.

Hi yes. Sorry. haven't been writing here recently again but if you missed me here are LOTS of words for you!  If this is tldr: falling out of like with socials + ADHD time blindness + busy with plans + not overthinking/overfeeling right now to have a lot to write about rn = no writing here. Not a quiet to be worried about, but also if you missed me : here's a LOT of words for you about all sorts of things and the most recent two astro poets horoscopes for Libra and Pisces still dancing together at the very end! Ready go!

I've very much fallen out of like with socials this last year and so sometimes everything online falls into object impermanence to me which is part of me not thinking to write here as often as in past years. (ai is complete shite at trying to guess what an ADHD brain would be interested in seeing. I'm literally curious fascinated by everything that appeals to my tastes and that is a LOT of subjects including subjects I never even thought to consider -- but i will leave something up on my screen that i have no interest in to hold a conversation with a stranger if it's interesting and close something i was actually interested in seeing because of a bird/squirrel or a text notification popping up distracting me and then when I come back the thing I wanted to see has disappeared and my newsfeeed refreshed and now I may never find it again...Pausing over an image/video playing or leaving the app are completely irrelevant data points when trying to metrics someone with adhd -- in fact leaving something on the screen for a while probably means they got distracted and are just idly micro fidgeting the screen so it doesn't go to sleep and the refresh gets rid of the next thing they saw was actually from a person or artist they care about but now they have to finish the distraction before they can come back to see what they actually wanted and don't want to lose --- and it's gone... now you will never see your cousin's picture/life update unless you manually look them up to find that just disappeared before you could react or comment or actually read/look at what you cared about. Meta trying to serve me up ai trash and what its algos think I want have destroyed my quixotically curated playground of things that make me happy and I rarely ever scroll or even open my fb or insta apps any longer unless I'm checking for messages/dms/notifications and then I will watch insta stories at the front or scroll my newsfeed until I get bored or a text comes in. Literally all they would have to do is show me the pages I already follow (even with ads interspersed) but the ai driven algos? Completely fucking boring to me as someone with ADHD -- radio roulette in a part of the country I don't know any of the stations or what I might find is way more interesting than the feeds on my socials in recent months/years. Like, i want my Spotify to play what i ask it to play and I want my Pandora to feed me up new music suggestions mixed with old favorites based on the vibes/aesthetics of what I tell them i want in that playlist at that time and if you cross those wires don't stay in your lane or tell me I need to pay you to get the song/artist I asked to hear right now, then your app is now useless to me and I will forget it exists. Trying to make things too "smart" and to predict what it thinks i want is going to render your product useless to me.  I have never met an ai or smart feature algo that ACTUALLY does anything that I as an ADHD person want with how I use the software created. I also actively hate iphones (mostly because they aren't sensitive to my light touch i feel i have to jam my finger through the screen to get a response) but mostly because they're not logical they're "intuitive" but they're only intuitive for what they think a neurotypical or an autistic person want and they are the exact opposite of how an adhd brain is intuitive associative -- adhd prefers logic over trying to follow the patterns of someone elses intuitive that isn't our own unique pattern. Logic at least has an obvious pattern recognition to it -- someone elses idea of intuitive doesn't have a pattern that anyone outside can recognize.) 

Anyway. That is, what I meant to say was... Sorry I've been MIA here again, I just sort of literally keep forgetting the wider internet exists because I'm not on my phone very often checking socials these days. Mostly I only use my phone/Internet on my phone to send/receive texts, take pictures, look up random things on wikipedia, check the weather, check the recent solar flares, check emails, search up lyrics/quotations I half remember and can't pull the melody or the entire quote right that moment, look up books/series to find out if it's standalone or how many or still being written so as to make sure I own the whole series before I get invested in a world immersion only to find out I'm missing part of the series, double check the spelling of words (especially Celtic words because dear Lord is Gailge, Scots, and Welsh not spelt at ALL the way you think it should be even when you know the rules), put it in airplane mode to run tarot pulls/spreads when I'm not near a deck of cards, play mindless games and sudokus, and occasionally use it to order Starbucks or Noodles through their apps.... And none of those tend to lead me to random things that pique a reason to write here unless I'm over thinking/overfeeling trying to wrap my head or heart around something the way my old curated socials would make me think/experience something unexpected. 

 

But here is something that did come across my socials from one of my witchy/fairytale/psychology people and I liked it immensely and have spent a while this last week or so coming back to it and  considering it:

 "In the old stories, when the wild daughter nears the end of a seven-year cycle, she must recall the “forbidden places” where she was undone and remade.

Forbidden means “against awareness.” Reflection on the forbidden places allows the wild daughter to become aware and watchful, able to behold the living poetry of her wonder story, positioned to understand the lessons learned, the deep wisdoms she mined from the dark.

Here, the wild daughter’s most recent initiation is nearly complete, and she now assesses what she has refused to risk loving about the world, about her people, her purpose, herself.

This time is the dark moon of the soul, the early winter of her healing. Between the ever-after and once-upon-a-time, she is. It is a time of resolution and revolution, of melting back into the source of things and shapeshifting into a form that lives closer to what she loves.

The forbidden places are thin lands, liminal grounds common to the old tales where the veil is thin not only between the living and dead but between who the wild daughter was and must now become.

These forbidden places might be physical grounds, locations of spirit, or both. When she reflects on these familiar fringe lands where the ache was great, she senses her new orientation. She begins the new journey and readies herself for what may come. She re-members her personal myth, reorganizing the patterns of memory, finding new characters and new subplots, seeing now through wiser eyes. 

Upon reflection, she might remember a “wintry sea,” a haunted and rough place where she forgot her own name, where the flesh was stripped from her bones by underwater currents, relentless storms, and hungry creatures who lovingly picked clean the dried must-bes and should-haves. What she learns from the grief sea is surrender, sacred solitude, her own belonging to the great ancestral story.

The wild daughter might recall a “woodland hut,” a healing house where the hidden helpers were afoot, a secluded place where she was not alone but held by many hands, resourced by song and story until her own hands, severed so long ago, finally grew back.

The wild daughter might recall the “good mother’s grave,” the place she laid her sweeter self to rest. She might remember the “spinning room” where she pricked her finger and met her fate, falling into a deep and initiatory sleep, or she, on the cusp of her renewal, may recall the “cave of descent” where she faced her shadow sister, all she refused to be.

In these incubatory spaces, the wild daughter followed an old map, the ancient dreamer’s road. She walked the otherworldly dirt path through the ghost-filled borderlands. Her primal impulse to let the old self die so the new self might live pulled from the ordinary and spirited her away into the dark. 

When she reflects on these forbidden places, she reflects on her own undoing. Reflection means to “throw back light,” to bend back. Here, the wild daughter throws light into the dark wombs where she was undone and remade, crossing the last threshold where she can best see the truth of things, where all possibilities in life return.

And it all ends to begin again.

“Stories make us curious about the impossible. In a fairy tale, the presence of magick is not only required; the whole story unfolds around its presence. When we meet a story full of wonder, a part of us senses the truth of the Otherworld, the possible within the impossible.” The Night House: Folklore, Fairy Tales, Rites, and Magick for the Wise and Wild. "

~Daniella Dulsky

I liked that. Though it's curious it's specifically the 7 year cycle she's talking about -- the fact we were approaching the 7 years mark with me seeing no sign of improvement or anyone caring but me was my final, "in done with repeating these patterns -- I'm not doing it again and if that's all you have to offer I'm leaving to find a better way to invest of myself " and a large part of what was giving extra oomph to me deciding I should be seriously letting Eric go with the intention of looking and considering dating other men who could be good for me if I gave them a chance. And the quote has a way to looking at it that I've integrated into my own ways of thinking/feeling/experiencing ones own life story and the different ways to analyze myths and stories and life paths and the choices we do (or don't) make that come to define one's character and life. (O! Side note! Thinking of which! if you're into using Jungian and depth psychology as a perspective lens to analyze Greek myths and fairy tales and some astrology as your archetype models for an analysis of the world and oneself and experiences of this world, I HIGHLY recommend checking out the podcast On the Soul's Terms. Its one of them I usually listen to while inputting over on youtube  (on youtube I can easily listen to things at 2x speed -- when you have ADHD, people speaking too slowly is grating and you lose the thread because you have too many thoughts in between the words/sentences/points.) But I really like Chris Skidmore's take on this VERY niche perspective/discussion of analysing things I care about but most people don't care about or even know enough of the subject matter to engage in discussing it with me.  Also, Chris generally picks really fascinating people for his interviews and he has a good storytellers voice to listen to. I don't always agree with his takes, but I tend to like the way he approaches the analysis and appreciate the insight into perspectives that differ from my own subjective perspective. I highly recommend looking up On the Soul's Terms podcast if this VERY niche interest of mine where myth/fairytale and astrological archetypes intersect with Jungian analysis of the self and society -- it's been one of my favorites these last couple years since I discovered it!)

So that's a bit of what I've been thinking on recently outside of working and reading and plans with family/friends cramming in before I fly westward on Sunday morning to spend a couple weeks with my sister's family. My sister told me she "exhibited even less self control than last year buying gifts" which means lots of gift wrapping while listening to music/podcasts and she told me to make sure I pack lots of spaaaaaace for everything she bought me so it's probably good that I have to try to fit presents for three kiddos and two adults (technically three adults since I'm packing some small things for Cath Cath) and two weeks of clothes/books into my luggage. O, and... My sister and her family booked tickets for their next Wisco visit and their good deal is right during/after Milwaukee irishfest and I told them directly I cannot promise I have any availability across the first Thurs-Sun of their visit until I see tour schedules and who will be there.... And I won't know that until long after the deal ends so if they want to book it they should but just know I may be MIA during actual Irishfest timeline... Excited they're coming, but rather irked they're in the midst of Irish season this year... Although, Monroe always wants me to visit for her birthday (8/8) and she's never had it because her birthday is always during Irish season, so this is probably the best she can get... And at least it's not like Iowa where I drive and hotel and stay there or La Crosse/Minneapolis weekend which is a much longer drive both ways around the actual sets I want to see... Honestly, Skerry lads won't be in the state during fest season (they've been very loudly announcing UK/EU fests they rarely play that are concurrent Aug fest seasons -- my guess is it's because they want to be in the states as tourists for Scotland in World Cup if they can plan their tour around it (definitely the Gillespie brothers will want to be out east where the Scotland group matches are in June) and with work visa restrictions they probably can't be here in February AND June/July AND Aug/Sept so they will just do mid/late Feb (already scheduled) and maybe Sept/Oct midwest shows if they still have some time on their work visas.

That said, once Im back from Seattle area I currently have nothing in my calendar until the Jan 15 Hamilton tickets except New Year's Day dinner with my parents, the last Packers game and a midday optometry appointment. So start of January is a GREAT time if you want my complete undivided attention or to claim some of my time for yourself. Late January will be some Gadan with Enda shows (I think Jan 31 I have afternoon UW college basketball tickets then evening concert in town at Bur Oak, lol) and mid/late Feb is when the run of Skerryvore dates happen next!

Let's see... It's been alternately snowing and bitterly cold true northern winter with a vengeance! (And I love it! You just layer up when you're outside and embrace all the hot drinks when you come in and it's all so magical everywhere because it's so beautiful!! Everywhere you look it's all stark lines and sparkle fluff and diamond dust covering all the sleeping trees and plants dreaming of when the greening comes once more!) Saturday my parents and best friend and I went to visit some breweries/distilleries to use up our free drinks in our 2025 pub passes we bought on discount when my sister and brother-in-law were visiting in July (thus why we have four of them) which was fun AND I managed to convince my parents (I let my dad chauffeur us all since fresh snow and ice on country highways small towns and he doesn't drink beers so we were all drinking more than him anyway) that we should go book shopping so I could check out Prairie Pages (a new indie bookstore in Sun Prairie that just opened in November.)  that was great fun! And then Waffles and I went in to work for a few hours until the  heavy snow started at midnight ish. Sunday was brunch and the holiday symphony show (with all the choirs and guest soloists) then watching the Packers v Bears game with my mum and the dogs (and we won are currently our division leader again!!!!) then dinner once da came home and then mum and I finished some of our recorded figure skating (the rest will have to wait until I come back home from my time in Seattle area.) 

Today I've been reading and drinking lots of tea and getting laundry done so I can start thinking through what I'll be packing and me and the fur babies have been listening to Eric's album and downloads all day on repeat. (Griffin was in a mood this morning, I think because I've not been home much the last couple days or because the dog is sad knowing I leave in under a week or because I put the carry on sized hard suitcase I'm borrowing from my mum in Spare Oom near the gifts I plan to pack. Whatever the reason, Griffin was moody and play attacking me all morning and I decided to put on his favorite voice to calm him down since he wasn't listening to me and I was getting tired of the "purring snuggles than sudden love bites and chasing me/hunting me trying to bite my pants/ankles." Hopefully he will be fine while I'm gone, it's only two weeks but also he's young and not used to being alone all the time and he's only been living with me since late October....) so that was the soundtrack to our beautiful snowy stay at home day. And the more I listen to Eric's solo songs, the more I love them and notice some of the instrumental layers that I heard color tone painting but I didn't consciously notice how beautiful some of the instrumental layers on my first listens but that stand out more listening on my laptop speaker balance than my work desktop speakers.  (I haven't bought a CD yet, I intend to unless they sell out but I have had a lot of other things to do and prioritizing buying gifts for other people not for myself right now. I'm tempted to buy the vinyl, but I don't currently have a working turntable and also ADHD means it's easier for me to put a CD or mp3 playlist on loop or randomize than having to flip a record. But I do want to pickup a physical copy, I just haven't because I need to prioritize the other things I have to get done/bought preperatory to my visit to my sister/brother-in-law/niblings house and budgeting all the have tos (especially with winter being when my electricity/heating bills are highest and I will have a 6 month water bill coming in early january and Jan is when the property taxes on my condo start coming due) not my selfish want tos for me which is what letting me buy a physical copy or a hoodie right now would be..) Then tonight was the company holiday dinner (held early for me so I could attend since I'll be gone from the 14-30) which I was late to because my car keys just completely disappeared not on my carabiner of keys and I spent an hour and a half looking for them then decided they were taken by personal pixies and I had to stop looking and ask for them back as soon as they have a chance (this is how you deal with personal pixies) and that I'd try to use my spare key fob (batteries dead) but the car still unlocked when I got to it so I knew the pixies had put the missing key fob with the new batteries somewhere on my person despite me emptying all pockets and emptying/refilling all bags and then when I set down a thermal grocery bag that only had another empty thermal bag, two styrofoam packing pieces Griffin was no longer playing with, and a ceramic pie plate from Thanksgiving to return to Crissy -- and when I set that bag down there was a decided clink which could only have been from something in the bag hitting the pie plate -- which means despite fully emptying and repacking it four times, the key fob had to be in there at this point in time/space. Which it was. Just a waste of 1.5 hours searching and going through EVERYTHING/ANYWHERE it could have fallen... Like, keys and dog leash always automatically go into the bowl by the door never anywhere else, don't enter the home without being set there and grabbing them before you can leave -- it's one of my most "I am OCD to compensate for the ADHD" things that the keys ALWAYS go in their one and only home and you never go through the front door without grabbing or setting down the keys in/from the bowl.) and now at work until whenever I head home. Tomorrow night going to see Wicked 2 in theaters with my mum and best friend (we have an extra ticket at his point, Tues is cheap $6 movie day, we bought a seat for my dad in case he didn't have poker with his friends because they're getting older and don't always have a host or enough people due to deaths/illnesses attrition.) and then nothing much other than working and packing and last minute things to get done (I have to do some errands, pet store (Griffin is running low on his preferred, and cheaper, food), Target (also I can't let me forget plane snacks!), and five below for any last minute little gifts before my 10% off coupon expires. Those sorts of last minute things before I leave stupidly early on Sunday. (Like, pickup at 4am because my flight to Minne for the connection leaves Madison at 6am.)  

Um, hopefully that's enough words of mine to tide you over for now until whenever I next write. (Sorry but no I don't know when that will be. Best I can tell you is that I'll write when I feel like writing here, lol.)

 P.S. Listening to Eric's songs today made me have the realization, 'O but I do miss him!" acknowledging how ADHD missing someone works. I'm never really lonely, just alone, but I get lonesome missing the people I love who are far away from me -- but the intensity is the same no matter the amount of time and I don't have a running counter in me of how long it's been and I might not realize how much that ache of missing lonesomeness until something directly reminds me makes me think of them. But literally, 5 second feels like 5 minutes feels like 5 hours feels like 5 days feels like 5 weeks feels like 5 months feels like 5 years feels like 5 decades feels like 5 lifetimes always the same amount of intensity of 'o but I love you and you are far from me and I miss you wish we were together and I hope you're happy doing whatever it is you're filling the hours of your life with!" when I think of them but just sort of a constant ache all the rest of the time. Mostly I just hope he's happy and building the foundations or taking the actions that will get him whatever it is he's seeking and choosing for his next chapters of his life -- but also there's a selfish part of me that would very much like to be able to wrap my arms around him in a big hug while looking him in the eyes asking him, just so I could be certain he really truly is on a path that is getting him there. (I mean yes, okay, I do just want us to be at a place so that a long snuggle hug would make as much sense feel as right in the waking real world as it does in dream space and inside me. I never claimed not to want what I want, I've only tried to accept when I don't think I can have it -- still always want that for us, or I guess more accurately I want it selfishly for me since I don't know that he wants it. Can't help that something deep within me is quite certain that most of everything that has ever gone awry between us could be made right if holding each other through it was an option on the table. I mean, we haven't tried it so I can't be empirically certain about it being anything more than a theory, but I'm certain about it the way one feels certain about the returning phases of the moon or that eventually a day will dawn with the sun bright beaming on you again no matter how many days you've had grey skies and rain. Pretty sure that being held by him would also soothe most of my overthinking/assuming before I could make a complete mess of things or ran away under the belief that me leaving could somehow get him closer to the happiness he seeks. I think that it's a hypothesis well worth trying and testing. For science. Obviously. It's not selfish if it's to prove a hypothesis for science, right? Clearly.)

P.P.S. I didn't sleep much again last night (woke up early couldn't get back to sleep) so I took a nap while his songs were playing and I can confirm that I once again had the best dreams while I was curling into his songs for my sleeps.

Astro Poets Horoscopes:

"Week of 11/30 in Libra: Partnering mind. And love that controls itself. And what about the blue. The sky. The force of it."

"Week of 11/30 in Pisces: Find a friend. And see what it could be. For it is not as it was. But what it will be. The songs will go forth now."

 "Week of 12/7 in Libra: All love. A blue that is both green and yellow. A sweet series of hearts and knowing the words. All kindness. May it go to you."

"Week of 12/7 in Pisces: What remained as was said. Not a secret. A vow. Say it whoever. Say it to yourself."

 I'm not actually thinking or feeling like going anywhere, I'm not even feeling a pull or need like "I must figure things out change everything right now" inside me. I'm actually sitting in a very zen trusting internal space that has faith in "things are unfolding the way that is best to get what is best and most right at the right time in the right way." I don't really have agitation in my heart or soul right now -- nothing to run from or run toward and no anxiety about the time disappearing that one can never have back once those moments pass. The recent posts are more that I was doing some introspection of looking back over this year and the heart spaces I moved through and trying to understand the whys and things I didn't see or realize while moving through it. 

I'm not feeling the need to put energy into ANY of my potential choices I can see right now actually, more of "let's wait and see as time breathes into what's unfolding where I can't see it -- I don't need to make any choices until I'm at a branching and can see what the choices are between."  I'm not agitated or have the bit in my teeth or set my mind on anything. I'm perfectly happy to focus on pouring my love and energy and attention into who/what IS choosing to be in my life right now and waiting to see what the future has to offer me when we get there.

 I actually only have not quite 3 weeks remaining before I fly out to visit my sister and her family for the holidays (and they're keeping me out in the Pac Northwest for just over two weeks again) -- so the rest of this year is going to disappear really quickly.  I'm actually already doing the thing mentally where I'm certain I'm in the next year already and the current year just looks wrong and I have to double triple check make sure I'm not writing the date wrong. (it's like the way some people get in Jan/Feb writing the previous year, I often spend the ending of a year having to fight myself not to write the COMING year telling myself "No Dani, 25 is still right. 26 is wrong for now.") Last year, that wrongness of the current year wanting to write the coming year instead started in late Aug actually -- the second earliest it's ever happened to me. And that was an "ugh the rest of this year is terrible -- let's just skip ahead please" whereas THIS time it feels like, "the rest of the year is lovely -- but next year is even better and I want to get there!" inner sense. This year it just started in the last several days, somewhere around mid November, that I started thinking 25 looked wrong and dates on everything should say 26 and need to forcibly remind myself I'm not there yet and not to just skip over the joys of the end of this year and the time it gives me to spend with the people and animal and plants and places and things that I love that are currently in my life. 

Also. I'm really looking forward to the prospect of snow (REAL snow that stays) later this week!!!! I mean, it's bad for anyone driving following Thanksgiving -- but I'm excited and ready for it!!! Tomorrow is the last day of the unseasonably warm weather and then Weds the winds will change and bring in snow! 

Anyway, I realized I should maybe give some reassurance that me analyzing HOW I choose my course might cause uncertainty/anxiety that it's born from me reconsidering choices or making choices for my future paths right now in this moment. And I wanted to reassure that it was more self reflection on my how trying to explain it during a calm pause where I'm NOT choosing between fate lines, I'm not pulling myself toward any set of them, I'm just enjoying my life as it is currently constructed and loving the people currently in my life and waiting with excitement/anticipation to see the brightness over the horizon where I can't see it. (But I'll never precog a happy surprise -- because i asked for that because I love the way it feels to be surprised by something really good. I only precog the bad things or the banal quotidian things. Never the things that will light me up with joy that are surprises.) 

Curiously, from right here and now, these recent days ALL my fate lines are lit up bright with how I follow my choices. Every damn one. Literally none of them don't have it glowing somewhere over the horizon into the future into the places even I can't see. That bright glow is just there as a promise in all of them. Like, I suppose maybe if I made choices that truncated my life entirely I wouldn't reach that glow -- but right now EVERY path open to me that I can choose between leads to that brightness. Which is something I haven't seen in my fate lines for a long time, maybe closer to a decade, now.... And maybe that's why I wanted to think about it and analyze it and come to understand how I make my choices -- because right now it's brightly shining down all the fatelines. And shining brighter than it has in YEARS.

I don't know why though. I just know is. And is right now means there's no way in my fate lines open to me NOT to reach that brightness somewhen in the future -- all paths lead there no matter what I choose as long as I live long enough to get from here to there. (and before you get worried, I don't see my death coming toward me any time soon, not even a nexus point where I COULD die -- I just like to be careful in the promises I make to acknowledge what is beyond my control. Including acknowledging all mortal bodies are finite and every new day is a gift you weren't promised you would reach.)   Doesn't tell me HOW to get there, just promises the brightness IS down every fate line open to me I could choose between right now. And it's SOOO very bright right now! Like staring at the horizon over the ocean while the sun is rising and there's no clouds or anything between you and the crack of brilliant light flooding up into everything. It's that intensely bright right now down all the fate lines....

And that's curious and something worth noting. It's something very different from how it's been in recent years. 

 Hmmm, yes, I suppose those paths letting myself consider and pursue other men and other future paths for myself and all could be bright because somehow they lead me back toward reunion when the direct path wouldn't. I can't say it isn't true.... I never have seen very much but glimpses down them and the sense of their bright glowing energy of the promise of what I'm seeking down those paths -- and while the glimpses of the contingent precogs of those relationships exist as options I can choose, I'd be lying if I said I saw far into the future among them. So maybe it's the way that still existed when the direct routes were closed.

I hadn't thought of that until just now. Sometimes, the most direct obvious route can't get you what you're seeking but the one that seems to lead in the opposite direction gets you right there. And sometimes the Universe works its best when the individual accepts and learns the lesson that clinging too hard to your own idea of the way things should be is the most thorough way to block yourself from getting that. Sometimes you have to be willing to let go of what you want for it to unfold into your life at the right time in the right way. 

The trick of it though is you have to be honest. You have to mean it. You have to truly release what you set your heart on and accept that it isn't yours to demand and it isn't yours to keep and it may never be yours before the Universes will give it to you in those type of lessons. It doesn't work until your sacrifice is as real as Isaac and Jacob, as real as Agamemnon and Iphigenia (with or without the promise of the last minute divine substitution for having given from a clear heart when you were asked to) of giving up what you love and desire most to the will of what you're told must be within the unfolding.... Sometimes, that is the lesson and the way to get your hearts desires, to let go of what you clung to and the way you thought it ought to be. And sometimes you just lose it and learn it was never meant for you and you try to tell yourself you're better for letting go of what was never yours to keep. 

Sometimes the way out of the labyrinth and the way to the center of the hedge maze requires you to walk a path that for a time seems to head exactly away from the goal. Because the path straight to the goal dead ends isn't the way through the maze. 

So it is possible that the choosing another path guided by that bright glow IS the only remaining ways to reach reunion even when it means letting go of him and letting go of any hope/faith there is a way and we will get there if we stay clear hearted in what we seek for our happiness. Also sometimes the lessons are in the losing, or at least realizing something CAN be lost to you, so you don't take it for granted or choose other things for now believing it will always be there. 

I can't say for certain any of that is the truth of this....whatever it is.... Tangled fucking mess, that's what it is. Veritable Gordian Knot.... But then, the legend is that the answer Alexander the Great gave to undoing the impossible tangle of knots was to cut through it completely with his sword.  Maybe it doesn't matter how tangled complicated we get ourselves tied up in things, maybe all we need is the courage and clear sight to cut right through the whole damn thing with a sword and unbind ourselves from the tangled mess. 

But I hadn't ever even considered until this late night/early morning that maybe in pursuing the other bright futures paths, even when it looked like me considering to build my future with someone else entirely, it was really just the long circuitous way back to where the reconnection of potential reunion can happen to make those contingent precogs possible again. Perhaps. 

I don't see far or clearly enough over the horizon into the future fate lines -- I can only see up to the horizon no further. Even I have my limits on what I can see and hold with my gifts while incarnated in a physical form. 

But maybe that's why it feels the same to me. Why that wasn't a lie when I said nothing changed for me taking those completely opposite seeming tacks.  Why giving up feels like the only way to keep fighting forward towards my desired goal. Maybe what the glow on those fatelines is, maybe all it ever was, is the promise that if I pursue this course now and try to look elsewhere and accept letting him go, that's the only way back to the fatelines we can reach each other have the chance to choose a shared life path, one of reunion...

Perhaps. I dont know. Because I don't yet know all the choices yet to be made, let alone all the choices not made and all the paths truncated by those. 

But I know that each of the paths I've ever chosen between the ones open to me, at any point in all my lives, it has always been to pursue the path(s) still open to me where that light and promise of a future full of love and more joys than sorrows can be seen shining brightest. It's always been how I guide my choices.... Even when the choices seem a complete 180 from the path I've been choosing before I reached that branching. 

And that every time, the decision I had to make for those choices, no matter what I made me let go of or give up, I made those choices open handed whole hearted certain that in accepting those hard truths, I was heading toward my best possible fate lines still open to me. Because they were the ones lit up all shiny full of love light.

 I never even considered this possibility til this early morning when it suddenly just popped into my head. 

I. Give me some times to consider it. I can't prove it false yet -- but I also don't have the data to prove it true. So let me follow the twists and turns of it see where this line of thinking leads and what evidence there might be for either side of accepting or rejecting it. 

But I do know it's as true about me that all my choices came from choosing to follow the fate lines open to me where that golden promise of love shines brightest in exactly the same way it is my truth when I say from a full heart but an open hand that I want him to find and have whatever happiness it is he seeks for himself EVEN IF that means accepting he chose a path where there is no place for me in his life as he has chosen to construct it.  They're both as true and honest for me as saying I've never seen any fatelines for me brighter than the ones that bring us together onto a shared life path and that if he wanted and chose me I'd choose him every time in every life. Always. As long as I'm some part of what he wants and would choose for himself... These are all among my truths, they always have been, no matter how tangled contradictory my actions or choices may seem from the outside. 

So. I need to think about whether it's the SAME brightness and if maybe it's because only in genuinely choosing those other paths does a way open back up to the truncated fate lines of a future of a shared life path. 

I need to consider the potential value of this idea.... 

 

Astro Poets Horoscope:

"Week of 11/23 in Libra: You see a friendship budding. In the sense of whatever you can see. Let it be a sweetness. You can see the good parts. You can see it all clearly."

"Week of 11/23 in Pisces: Nothing you knew before, but it’s not about knowing. It’s not about seeing it truly. It’s about orange. It’s about the little insects. It’s about truth." 

 Hmmm... I think I misspoke a bit in the last couple posts about how I wander myself between fate lines. When I said nothing had changed, I didn't mean that the way it maybe sounded. 

Obviously things were changed in switching course/focus -- if you want to use the metaphor of being the author of one's own life story I was choosing between completely different plots and completely different characters. Choosing between completely different lives and completely different versions of myself and completely different life paths surrounded by completely different people to love and to be loved by.... Nobody involved was interchangeable and none of the life paths even remotely alike. 

Everything changed, every detail of every one of those potential life paths and every version of me that could walk them changed -- even though my criteria for choosing between them didn't change.

What didn't change is that I set myself potential courses based on the brightness of the glow I found of being seen for me qua me and being surrounded by love of those who I loved and a path more full of joys than sorrows if I chose it. The glow of those promises and the brightness of them and the fact I couldn't see an end before the beginning with any of the men I considered were my criteria. So the method I used to guide my choices didn't change -- just every aspect of every part of my future life changed depending on the choices but they were/are/could be all good choices that fulfill my stated goal in a way that is brighter and clearer than with others I dismissed from consideration. 

Are the future paths I had seen shared with Eric brighter more ablaze with love and energy and power and a feeling of rightness than any of the others? Yes, but only as long as the way to them exists. When there's no path to reach them, the brightness and glow of them is just completely snuffed out like a candle in a draft -- because if they're unreachable then me stubbornly clinging to the hope of them is a path that doesn't bring me a life surrounded in love with more joys than sorrows. It just doesn't. There has to be a way for me to reach them that makes them blaze up so bright with that promise -- it's like needing to make all the connections that close the circuit for the power source to reach the light bulb. Think of this moment like the power source and the future life path down the fate line like the lightbulb (and they can be different wattages or whatever) but everything has to connect to get from here to there for that brightness to shine out and sing to me what those fate lines hold. When the way is blocked unreachable, all the light and brightness of those future life paths goes out in the same moment those fate lines are rendered unreachable. 

So it's not that nothing changes for me, it's just that what I use as my process to guide me in my choices is unchanged even while everything I'm choosing between may look radically different at the quotidien surface level. 

I don't know if that made more or less sense of things.... But it's the best I can try to explain what I meant by stating that for me nothing changed. Because obviously EVERYTHING changed by changing focus/desired life paths, but what I meant was what I use to guide my wandering wasn't changed at all because it's about the flow of the fatelines offered, not the individuated changes in the script to completely different stories. Which is maybe confusing, especially since most people's goals are about the surface levels scripts they choose for their life paths....but that's the best I can try to describe it this morning to help try to make it make more sense what I meant.

I still don't have any idea what Eric wants or how he's choosing his life path this life. I only know that his choices (and my choices) shifted both our paths to light up those fate lines again of us having a shared life path and for contingent precogs to once more be reaching me frequently -- but I don't know the steps or choices that have made or will make the connections so the circuit completed to make them reachable again. I only see glimpses along it and the brightness shining all along it even beyond the glimpses I've had. I can't see everything along it unless/until I choose to walk that path and convert all the could bes of the future fate lines into present moments that become memory pearls of the ossified set life path story line I tread from this body's birth to its death. I can only see the brightness along it of what I'm seeking that I set my course by and glimpses of moments along it of contingent precogs that could be if we take those branching options of fate lines. But even I can't see all of it while it's still in the soup of the future potentials not the past of the choices already made that can no longer be unmade because they are trapped on the thread of memories behind the crucible of the present moment as it is lived. 

And. Anyway. What would be the point of living it and walking it if I could see all of it ahead? It's enough for me to have the promise of how bright it can be with the criteria I chose for guiding this life of mine and to have the glimpses like promises of the contingent precogs that will be if only we choose them. It's still far more I'm given having certainty on that much than most people have for making their choices. 

In my last post, I'm not saying you NEED to choose to communicate with me -- that would be very antithetical to my nature and ethics to tell you what you NEED to do. Or even me telling someone else what they OUGHT to do would be unlike me -- best you usually get s me asking you lots of questions until you find your own answers and/or me telling you what I would do and why if you ask for advice instead of questions for you to consider.  I'm trying to explain how I make my own process for my wandering choices paths so it doesn't seem quite so random or contradictory and you can better understand it for making your own choices. You should choose what feels most right for your own soul's journey, your own life path, your own heart's needs -- and I can't tell you what that is for you better than you can work to know your own truth. 

What I was trying to say is, "this is how I work, I know it's not normal but it's the only way I know to set my own course even though I know it can look aimless or contradictory from the outside -- and if something MATTERS to you and you wouldn't knowingly make choices to remove that from your present/future, that's something that if you tell me I can fit it in to finding the best possible paths KNOWING it's your own free will choice to value something want to keep it within your own future fate lines. But I can't know it for certain until you make that choice and you make the choice to be certain I know this about what your truth and your isness and your free will choices." You don't HAVE to choose to communicate, it's your choice what you do and why -- but know that if I don't have that information I'll muddle through the best I can (including my own mistakes) in the fullest knowledge available to me -- and IF that knowledge contains a mistake about your priorities and choices, then I may choose to wander a path where you lose what your own heart would choose and your own soul needs simply because I didn't know it mattered to you and I was choosing the brightest path without taking that knowledge about your inner truths into account. Just because I see what is unseen to most people and can figure out a lot using logic and can intuitively KNOW truths that make no sense how I might know it, it doesn't mean I'm infallible or that I don't make mistakes at the limits of my blinders and of what I cannot see from my own subjective perspective.

I remember quite distinctly being in 5th grade and then again in 6th grade when they were having us take aptitude tests for careers and started asking us what I WANTED to do with my life. And I remember being confused by the question and finally saying, "I want to live a life full of love, surrounded by souls I love and who love me. And I want to make things better and brighter for my touch upon them as much as I can. And I want to pick a life path where the joys are brighter and stronger than the sorrows." And I just got complete incomprehension from the adults who wanted teleological career goals or family life goals or wealth goals -- something they could aim me towards or a passion for me to focus on. But I was good at pretty much everything I set my hand to trying and in my worst subjects (math because my ADHD got bored re-checking my own work even though it could be meticulous detail oriented checking others work) I was an A- or AB student even at the most difficult levels available. So they had me stick to the academic heavy route and told me to consider paths within what my career aptitude tests told me (which were either arts/philosophy or medicine/science/law -- and those were so widely different they told me to focus on the methodical path since the other could be pursued as hobbies.) But now I've seen the version of me down those paths and how it can't let me have or do what I want to do for the health of my own soul and what healing I can give the world so I consciously didn't choose the last of those paths in college when I realized that the healing I wanted to do (to fix what is broken and teach people how not to break in the future) didn't fit within the mold of modern western medicine and me going to medical school -- once I saw that I couldn't unsee it and so instead I told the Universe, "Alright, you guide me where I should wander with my gifts to achieve my own goals even if they don't fit the metrics of the current society." And ever since I've been wandering based on following the will o the wisp of brightest best fate lines to meet those "intangible" goals of my own.

I will follow that brightness as my guide posts and respect your free will past the point it eclipses out the possibility of the fate lines to get what you actually want if you don't make sure I understand what you value and desire and your free will would choose if you could see into the future as clearly as I can. I don't know what I don't know -- if you TELL me, "hey this matters more to me than this other choice, it is a price I'm not willing to sacrifice" then I will at least let you know the risks of what I see so you can then choose with the fullest possible knowledge. I just won't tell you all the fates and futures and consequences I see unless you directly ask or I know the information you will need to keep you from ending up on paths you would never choose if you knew where they actually led.

 But you should choose what to share and with whom just as much as what you value and what you would choose for your own future self and life path and fate lines. You're the one who must walk your path, nobody else walks it for you -- so you must choose what you believe your own best choices. Including what you communicate to me or don't as well as who/what your own free will would choose for your own life.

 We're all of us just doing the best we can in our choices with the knowledge we have and the tools at our disposal in the moment. If you want better choices, you need better information or better tools -- that's all. I can't teach you how to see and experience through my subjective experiences nor would I tell you that you should make the choices I will make with my own subjective experiences -- the best I can give you is trying to explain how my process works and to advise you that if you are honest and direct letting me know what matters to your choices and your process it will give me better knowledge for my choices just as trying to understand my process and desires and guiding principles will give you better knowledge base for your choices. I can't make you communicate your side of it, the best I can do is choose what IS within my own power and gift you that and advise why my process would get you better results for what you ACTUALLY want if you communicate to me what you want most and why so I better understand what your free will would ACTUALLY choose if it could see the consequences of choices the way I can see it.

 But you should do with that gift and advice what you want and whatever choice you feel best suits your free will and your own heart's desire and your own soul's journey to guide you on your life path that you and only you will ever trod (no matter how superficially it echoes the paths of others, it is uniquely yours which is why your choices are most sacrosanct for your own journey.) . 

 

Astro Poets Horoscope:

"Week of 11/16 in Libra: One love ignites us all. One pink dream. Is what you found among the purple bed. Could it be beyond detail? It is beyond comprehension." 

 "Week of 11/16 in Pisces: If you held it forth. Hold your friend closely. Unpaper the ballroom. Dance again. Dance with your own dreams."

 

I. Look. 

I haven't made any decisions or promises around the precogs returning or what from the outside sounds like me yet again changing my mind on my course of actions and what I wanted because nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned. Let me repeat, NOTHING has changed as far as I'm concerned. What has changed is the parameters and choices OTHER people have made and what fate lines that opens and closes for me to choose between. But my own ethical code and my own desires that I use to choose from the options of possible fate lines to get the ones that give me the most of what I desire without me compromising my own ethics, the factors I use to choose my own wandering path that hasn't changed at all. It never has. 

Which. I recognize that sounds contradictory, I think I often do from the outside, but on the INSIDE it's all the same strong love lit up with rock solid core stability of foundations. 

Because. Here's the thing, I don't just blindly wander through life setting arbitrary society driven "goals" for a projection of perfection/happiness that I then have to try to achieve no matter what cost or fail at those goals to be classed a failure in my own or other people's eyes. That's a fucking shit stupid way to set the course of your life no matter how externally successful it might look. I mean, I know it's "what everyone does" but just look at it clearly and it's a shit stupid way to set course in your life. It's like picking an arbitrary gps coordinate, where you don't even know what IS there until you get there (you only know what you hope will be there and the illusion you force on it by your hope) and say you're going to get there regardless the terrain or the weather or anything standing in your way or you might have to navigate around and you won't be "successful" til you get to that exact coordinate you arbitrarily picked -- and you still won't even know what is at that coordinate til you stand there ready to pick a new random arbitrary coordinate to aim for. It's fucking idiotic as a mode for navigating -- even going the way the crow flies doesn't take such idiotic and arbitrary routes but that's the way most people set their goals for their lives. It's fucking stupid. 

I mean, me, I wander. But mostly that's simply because I can peek at what is any given set of coordinates and if I decide it's a moment of isness I want on my life path I'm happy to take the most pleasant/beautiful/interesting route to get there exactly when it will be everything I saw and wanted for myself. I mean, the saying goes, "Man makes plans and the Divine laughs" (I've heard it as G-d or the angels or the Universe, so just sub in whatever omniscient spiritual power you would prefer if you don't like "the Divine") and this is even more true for me than anyone else. But the thing with how it works for me is if I try to make plans, the Divine laughs by showing me EXACTLY where that choice leads me and what the fateline gets me and the prices I will pay and sacrifice and the other choices I will lose out on ever making to arrive to that plan. The Divine laughs at my plans like a good teacher to a small child who thinks their idea cute but not at all the best way to solve a math problem and instead shows me why that doesn't get me to the answer I want and instead shows me the path that does get me to what I was actually trying to reach. The Divine doesn't laugh at my plans the normal way, it does it by giving me a glimpse of time the way it sees it and promising me there's a better fate line out there than the one I arbitrarily chose and illuminating for me how to find that path. Which is why I wander the way I do -- wouldn't you if you had the means to see ahead what will be at the coordinates you arbitrarily picked when you get there on the route you planned to take?

So I don't make my choices the way a normal person does. I never set myself a goal by saying "I will have $2.5 million in my bank account by 2030" or "I will have a successful career doing what I love most and it will make me famous" or "I will be married by 25 and have kids and the perfect home and family and a golden retriever" or even "I will find the love of my life other half my own soul and we will be together romantically build our lives together until one or both of us die" because implicit in every such normal arbitrary set of goals is the clause "I don't care what the cost or sacrifice to achieve this goal as long as I get to it or die trying."  And to my mind, that's a fantastically idiotic way if your goal is to end up with something you actually want rather than just ticking off checklists of goals til you reach the top of the mountain now have to find another mountain to climb to create meaning for your life. It's fucking stupid as a way to get you anything you ACTUALLY might want or need or what would be best for your soul's health/well-being.

For me, I look at all the given fate lines currently open to me and use my own ethics to help me navigate to reach the fate line and contingent precogs that I most want to add to the chain of memories that make up my life path. Not all the fate lines that ever could be, just the ones currently open to me on that snapshot of a moment -- and other people's choices can truncate and destroy future fatelines just as much as my own choices. It's like standing in front of a menu taking so long to decide what to order that someone else orders the last butternut squash soup and even if that's what you realized you wanted, other people's choices have taken it off the menu and so now your choices are only what IS on the menu -- which may include the French onion soup they used to replace the now gone butternut squash soup or may mean there's no longer any soup available on the menu of options and all because other people's choices have altered what's available. 

For me, my ethics include my belief in the sanctity of free will. I am not the girl who is going to say, "I want this one person or thing so much that I will insist on having it even if it doesn't want me back and trying to force it would make everyone miserable." I'm not even the girl who says, "I want to do this thing so you have to do it as well even if you don't want to" because instead I'm the girl who shrugs says, "alright, if we can't find something we both want to do and if this isn't what you want to do I still want to so I'm going to go do this and you go do whatever you want and whenever we want to do the same thing let's reconnect. We should both do what makes us happy, even if it's apart, not make us both unhappy trying to do something that causes friction or fighting because someone doesn't want it." I only know how to want and to love and to live with an open hand, to say "pursue what you desire if you don't desire the same thing I desire -- I'd rather you be happy and not with me than to see you unhappy or make myself unhappy doing things we don't want just to be together." I will give you new information and advice and tell you my thoughts/feelings -- and then immediately tell you, "but you don't have to believe or do that; it's your life, live it on your terms not mine."  

It's not contradictory then for me to go back and forth between considering relationships with multiple men who all have potential future fate lines of me loving and being loved and having more joy than sorrow in my future for as long as that is the truth of the potential fate lines IF I choose them and they choose me -- or that WHEN those men choose to date other women it completely truncates snuffs out the fatelines with me from being among my choices in that moment so I change course to choose from among the fate lines that ARE open to me. I didn't change my mind that I want my future to be as full as possible of love and light and more happy moments than difficult ones -- other people's choices just took off the menu or put on the menu different futures for me to consider how well or poorly they would allow me that. I will never force someone to choose me, and in fact I will only ever wish them the happiness they seek when they make choices that truncate future fate lines shared with me, but when their choices change the fatelines available to me at that moment I will choose the best I can from the fatelines on the menu not wishing for options I can not currently have... I may decide my best fate lines are to wait and do nothing to see if the menu changes or to focus my attention on wandering to go see something beautiful or interesting along the way until I can check in what fate lines are open to me at another time/space point in my life path -- but I will still only be choosing from amongst the fate lines currently available to me to reach the best of the options I have for converting contingent precogs into beautiful lived moments into memories. 

It's not me being fickle, it's just me being realistic and setting my course by my desired best fate lines open to me rather than getting stuck on the idea of the one true path I must follow to reach an arbitrarily chosen goal regardless the cost or sacrifices to get there. 

Quite literally, if Eric chose for himself consistently the paths that lead to me and he made it clear he wants to share his future life path with me, I would consistently choose to bring that ever closer into the present until we were both living it together because those are, and have always been, the brightest shiniest full of love and happy moments in the fatelines possible to me. But that's contingent on the IF of his choices and me trusting in him knowing himself to know what he's seeking (or at least know better than anyone else could) and those choices leading him to a shared life path with me that I can see is open/reachable to us for me to also choose it. But IF Eric starts choosing other women or other things that lead away from a future shared life path with me and those fatelines get truncated disappear, I will accept that he is making the best choices possible for what happiness he is seeking desires for his life and I will accept those brightly shining fate lines of our future shared life path do not currently exist and I will start looking around for the best and brightest fate lines so I can have as much mutually chosen love as possible in my life and as much more joy than sorrow as the potential fate lines allow. 

Does that make sense? I'm choosing based on what gets me to the brightest available future moments of the futures currently available for me to choose between. I don't necessarily stop WANTING what's not on the menu, a person wants what a person wants, I just can't choose it at that time because it's not among the options available. No amount of wanting butternut squash soup will get it for you if there isn't any squash available right now for the kitchen to even try to make it -- so pick something else from what you CAN choose and just let that wanting be with no way to sate it. 

Honestly, unless you piss me off or the consequences are horrible enough or you ask me directly, I probably won't even tell you the consequences of your choices and what it truncates removes from the fate line options.... I don't enjoy playing Cassandra, most of the time nobody listens and I just have to carry inside me the things I've seen if they can't be changed or another choice made -- and it's a rare person who listens wants to hear to make their choices in fullest knowledge. If there's something you definitely don't want to happen or to accidentally choose because you can't experience the fate lines the way I do, you only have hindsight, but you know you don't want to even consider any of those future fatelines then it's best to tell me that directly and let me know so I am more likely to at least warn you, "hey you're free to make that choice but just know if you do, it will be paid for by losing this thing you claimed you want to keep in your life. At least make your choices in full knowledge."

I'd say I don't mean to be difficult, but I'm just being the only version of myself I know how to be -- including my gifts and clairsentient aspects of my own subjective experience. Just... I don't expect you to make your choices for steering your life path in the same process or same knowledge base I do, but just communicate. Especially if you know you wouldn't choose something if you knew the consequences of that choice were to sacrifice something you desire/value and wouldn't ever choose to give up or lose.

Or like, at the bare minimum, if you do something and then after the fact a consequence makes you go, "nope. Not okay with that. This isn't what I want at all" please just communicate that with me and we will then work together to find the path that gets us from here back onto a path toward what you do want for yourself and where I can see the bright fatelines opening out shining through our futures again. But without you communicating and telling me that, how could I ever know or assume that you weren't making the choices to reach the happiness you're seeking for yourself? Do I really seem the sort of girl would assume her own importance to you is greater than your free will choices and what may be guiding them? If I were the sort of girl to assume that, would I even be any part of the happiness that you might think you want when you think you want your idea of me?

Just. If you don't like what your choices get you or the consequences of past choices, just communicate what it is you know you do or don't want so I can at least know the choices of your heart not just the arbitrary goal you're setting out on not realizing what it will cost you to get there the way you chose to try to reach it....

Because. I won't ever be making my choices by trying to make plans based on immutable blindly arbitrary goals without knowing the costs. Not even to say, "I want this person regardless of what he wants or if I can be any part of that."  Because the Universe laughs at me by showing me the price to pay for it as well as exactly what I will get and what I will lose if I insist on that plan. I will always make my choice for the brightest possible fate lines available to me to choose between at that time -- and if you want to be included in that wandering way of doing things you can be and I will welcome you with open arms -- but you're going to have to communicate make sure that I know that shared life path IS your choice for the happiness you seek and that no matter whatever else you use to help guide your path keeping those shared life paths among the brightest possible fate line available is what you want to aim for. 

I need to know it's important to the happiness you seek that you can keep me in your life and/or that a shared life path with me IS the happiness you seek if you want to keep me from wandering away anytime anyone makes a choice that eclipses you out of my brightest possible fate lines open to me.  Because I can make choosing you a priority in how I make my choices, but I have to know that you want to consistently choose me as a priority of your own -- if I don't know that and you never communicate it to me, I'm going to trust you know you own heart and soul better than I could know it and read your choices as born from free will and that knowing to guide you toward the happiness you seek for yourself... And then I'm going to wander off to seek the brightest of the fate lines what exist are open to me whether or not that wandering path includes a space for me remaining in your life and I will do so believing you to be happy having exactly what you chose to seek to build your life around and the happiness you've chosen for your life path.