How is it that I know that would be enough for me to discard that way of thinking and yet I cannot actually discard it? Well. because. I know how my brain works, I know about me that I will reject a theory if given new evidence/truths that contradicts the hypothesis and then try to build something better to understand/model what I can observe to be going on. I KNOW this about me as how my brain understands makes sense of my subjective view of reality. But the important part there is EVIDENCE and TRUTH is what will change my mind to discard a bad theory/hypothesis. And I don't have truth, I don't have evidence. To get truth/evidence, I'd need to know what his truth IS and I have no way at this time of knowing that so I can't just discard it be like, "Well that was a shite idea of mine. Sorry. Right then, letting him go leaving him isn't a theory or path even to be considered if it will take from him the happiness he seeks for himself." Even knowing exactly what would be enough for me to just discard that ways of thinking as a bad hypothesis isn't enough for me to discard it because I know what evidence would break it but I don't know that such evidence IS true. Which means I can't yet discard the ideas.

What I have is a conditional clause -- an if then. And an if then is not the same as learning/knowing a truth -- a conditional, it's not enough for me to discard a working hypothesis on a conditional unknown maybe. And I'm not willing to lie to myself in either direction, because I don't know which the lie and which the truth. I just know the ifs about it. An if then is just "IF this is true THEN I know this idea is terrible shite and I must discard it."but it's not the same as "This is true and I made a mistake and I need to completely discard this idea/plan and start over try again for something that accepts and integrates this truth into whatever I decide to do." Even just considering that as an if/then was a lot for me to take in when I first realized it and started writing about it here -- it made me feel such deep guilt and remorse at the possibility that I had unintentionally done such a cruel thing to him. To have hurt him deeply by taking away the one thing he needs for the happiness he seeks in the name of telling myself it would help him be able to have whatever happiness he was seeking... It made me so upset with me, I had such sorrow to think me guilty of that to someone I'd not ever have intentionally hurt... Just the thinking it could be true gave me pause and a need to reconsider and be certain before taking any further actions without better knowledge of what he wants for himself but holding onto it as an if/then conditional clause wasn't enough to break that way of thinking, it was just enough to make me cautious not want to do it except as an absolute last resort if that was what I was shown he needed of me by his choices. Thinking it and questioning it was enough to make me cautious about the possibility it could be a source of pain to him and not even attempt it if it would hurt him more than it could ever heal him for me to give up let him go. But not enough to completely break the idea so i wouldn't even consider it.

 It's one thing to know ahead of time exactly  how to break an idea of mine so I would discard it, but it's another to have the truth that would break it. Without that, I can't discard it from my possible choices I might make. I don't have that evidence, I don't know it to be true -- right now I only know IF it's true then it would break me from even considering trying that again.

 I know for certain it would break that idea for me so I wouldn't even be willing to consider it -- I just don't know what his truth IS so knowing I WOULD discard it if I knew that truth is about all I've got as a promise right now not to consider it. 

 *shrugs* You can't give someone the freedom to pursue the happiness they seek if you take away from them what they need as part of the happiness they seek. That's obvious.  Even trying to square that circle would be a cruelty, never a kindness. And that's not something I would ever knowingly do.  IF it were true, IF I knew it to be true. And it's why knowing his truth could break that way of thinking so I wouldn't even consider it, wouldn't try to remove me from the picture. I'd know I'm a part of that picture, not an impediment in the way making it more difficult for him to get there. It's just not a thing I know right now, I only know it would be enough for me to break that idea never revisit it again as long as I knew his truth to still be true. 

It really sucks to know how to break your own toxic thought looping patterns and exactly what you would need to do it and to not be able to get the knowledge that would allow you to do it, to finally be able to break it and discard it as a toxic bad way of thinking or trying to act.  

I wish I could just discard it though. I think it's one of the many things in this mess that served a purpose for its time but is now wrong-headed/wrong-hearted so it needs to be unlearned and a better way found for us moving forward.