So. Some further thoughts while drinking tea listening to Griffin's favorite playlist (Eric's solo album and songs I have downloaded) again/still interspersed with the crashing clangs outside from the snow plows and snow blowers clearing last night's fresh snow off the streets/walks/lots while waiting for the sunrise to decide how I intend to use my daytime hours today. 

I mean, sure my theory could be wrong -- but it should really be tested before discarding it. the only data points we have right now is the control of what happens when things go awry or when  I get to overthinking then act out on my good logic on faulty/bad premises during time/space where holding each other hasn't been any part of the working through how we deal with it. And, well, we can see how those data points have played out in the past cycles, how badly the system functions without hugging it out and holding onto each other in the system plans. What we don't have are data points of what would happen if we could hug and hold each other as part of processing those thoughts/feelings/assumptions before taking any reactionary actions. We lack any data points to refute (or confirm) the theory. 

So I'm just going to go on believing it true, even while it's only just a fantasy daydream not any part of our lived realities, until such a time as I have it proven to me it isn't true it would help. Which, even if that happened that somehow it didn't help us solve things find better answers, we'd still have gotten through to a point where the hugging and holding each other could be real not just in dream space and fantasies and contingent precogs -- and I think really that would be a thing of celebrating and joy itself. At least from my perspective it would be.

I mean, I see it only as a column full of wins to find out if the hypothesis holds true. Because either way there gets to be the hugging and holding, which would definitely be a win and we would have to solve/heal the seeming obstacles that have steered us far away from any course to get us there, also a win. And if we give it a try then the wanting can't overwhelm either of us into making bad decisions thinking there's no way to get what we want -- definitely in the win column. And then we either a) find out my theory is true and then we have part of finding much healthier ways of dealing with each other and the madness of the world or b) we find out it doesn't help as much as we hoped but we still healed ourselves to the point we can hug/hold each other when we want and choose to. And either way that's still for the win column. 

Honestly, I'm having a hard time looking for something isn't in the win column testing out the theory. Best I got is it turns out we don't fit together like matched puzzle pieces, we fit like knives and spoons tossed in the same drawer with no organizer, and best we can do is let the bond be and care from a distance or in a friendly but not personal way -- and then we could both be honestly with someone else who does fit us better. And that's dubiously still a win -- because it could be disappointing and hurt to learn/realize, but also it would free us to seek where true happiness might be and we would know at least we tried so we could move on from wanting to assuage the intensity of the pull between our souls in that way.

I mean, that's the best I got actively seeking for a devil's advocate argument of how it wouldn't bring us wins choosing to find out if this theory of mine is true... And that's really just an argument that the worst case scenario is still a disappointingly dubious long-term win.  

So my vote is that we should try testing the theory. For science. Clearly. Purely scientific interest in it over here. Riiiiight.... but for reals, I'm genuinely not seeing anything but wins in deciding to get to the part of the story where we can try out the theory to prove or disprove it.

At least that's my "fresh snowfall too early for sunrise so listening to music and tea drinking before starting a different book after just finishing one" feelings on the matter. 

I mean, am I wrong? Is there something I've missed in my contemplations on applying the scientific method of hypothesis testing to the idea that we could solve most of everything that's ever gone awry between us by wrapping our arms around each other while discussing it? Wanna tell me what that is that I missed? Could I interest you in a hug while you tell me why I'm wrong and how there's anything but wins in us choosing to test out this theory? I can make one of those "free hugs" signs if that might convince you. With glitter glue and stickers and even a polar bear if you really want one on the free hugs sign. (I'm actually quite good at sketching polar bears.) Think about it. 

P. S. All joking aside, part of how my head works is that when I have an idea or a hypothesis, I have to try to break it before I can even start to accept it. Which is why it's very important that if I'm missing pieces of important information you communicate tell me because as soon as you break the idea I will discard it even if I don't have anything better yet. Like, quite literally, if you wanted to break me of the idea that I should let go of Eric for him to find the happiness he seeks for himself, all that would be needed to break it would be for him to make clear to me that losing me or me leaving him would hurt him and is absolutely NOT any part of his happiness he desires. That's it. Done. Broken. Because when I don't know what he wants, me desiring he have the happiness he chooses for his life is vague and could mean anything so it makes sense for me to get out of the way BUT the moment he ever let me know how deeply upsetting it would be to lose me, the MOMENT I understand with certainty it would be the exact opposite of bringing him closer to happiness, would be the moment I would NEED to discard the entire theory and never ever act on it or give it crédence. Because it was broken, proven false. Which is why when I say even in jest that I can't break an idea, even an idea as flippant as thinking Eric and I could fix most things between us if we could hold each other while discussing it, that's me saying it's actually an incredibly good theory, one worth moving forward on making real.