O I'm not saying he has to do anything (free will is sacrosanct for me so I'm not keen on imposing ought tos on anyone) or that I expect it (though it would make me very happy, I don't EXPECT it) or that I have any sort of rights to knowing his truths (other than those he chooses to share) or that I would even feel I could ask for that sort of certainty (even if I acknowledge it would likely alter my choices to know.) I just wanted to be clear about my nature and how/why it would shift things for me make my choices more predictable (or at least what I wouldn't do could be more predictable) to be gifted knowing these things IF it's true. The Delphic wisdom inscribed above the Pythia is "gnōthi seauton"  which translates to "know thyself" it doesn't mean "know the truths of others" and it is from that Delphic  place that I wrote the last post. From the place of knowing myself and knowing what would definitely make me finally throw out those sorts of ways of thinking/behaving. 

And. For the record. It wasn't an internal pendulum swing starting to move back within me or an insistence I need the answers now or an impatience in me prompted the last two posts. Honestly in my quotidian living, I'm just trying to get the last minute things done before I leave (I still have like 20 hours of work to get done for this week between tonight and tomorrow (don't yet know if I will try to get hours in on Sat towards next week to use fewer PTO days given how bitterly cold Sat will be and still needing to pack) because EVERYBODY wanted to make plans right before I was leaving since they likely won't see me again until next year and errands and packing before I leave) and I frankly don't have time for starting anything new before next year (I get back in on the morning of the 30th then have end of month and end of year things to get done immediately at work.) Between now and next year, I have time for the PROMISE of starting something new, but I dont have the free time just now to throw everything else aside and dive in the deep end of investing myself into anything new and I will hardly have much introvert time during my visit to Seattle/Kirkland/Edmonds let alone even time for phone calls or zoom or anything -- my time is pretty well claimed from 7am til 10-11pm every day with family time doing stuff when I visit them and the kids are all vying for my attention whenever they're not at school from when their alarm clocks turn green at 7am until their 8pm bedtime (and Monroe always wants me to stay and have a sleepover with her until she falls asleep.) Technically I usually have time during the day while the kids are at school and my sister and my brother-in-law are work from home -- but that's only the first week and Cath Cath is stealing me Mon to hang out go see Hamnet and go to Edmonds bookstor and for me to meet her new kitty Bear. And then the rest of my days will be wrap-a-pa-looza 2025 while the kids are at school the first week before their winter break -- and only after everything that Miche and Jon have for me to wrap (I wrap my gifts at night after everyone has gone to bed generally) is wrapped will I maybe have some introvert time for reading or catching up on anything during the school/work hours. So really, I don't have any time to invest into nurturing something new that needs my time/attention. So it's not at all me going all Veruca Salt "but I want it NOW!" demanding or impatience or anything in sharing that last one. I mean, I'd welcome with open arms make what time I could if he showed up in my lived life right now, but realistically nearly all my time from now until next year has claims on it.... Which would make it pretty awful of me to be demanding, "but I want it NOOOOOOW!" not have any patience in the unfolding of things in divine timing when we're both ready best setup for success. 

 It's more just sometimes, after I dash out my stream of consciousness writing here, I sort of forget about whatever I wrote and then when I'm in a state of quiétude, I'll feel these questions and réactions bubbling up inside my quiet spaces (the place of tranquility innermost in me where so often the music plays or echos through the quiet as well as the emotions that reach me down the bond that aren't the overwhelmingly strong heady ones that flood everything inside me) and when the questions feel tinged with some sort of anxiety or questioning or something that feels not what I meant, that's when I come back to use writing to help me clarify the answers within myself. That's why sometimes these start off like a reply to a conversation when I know quite well I'm just writing it out to a blank page. But it's because I'm responding to those questions/emotions bubbling up in the quiet spaces about things I didn't overthink when writing but the questions made me realize how it could be misunderstood.  I don't claim the questions and anxiety come from anyone else, maybe it's just my subconscious, but with my gifts I cant claim them to be my own and they don't feel like me though they feel as close to me as they can be without being mine. Right now it's more to soothe what I hear in those questions rising up in my quiet space than to try to see the forms of my own emotions or agitation. My emotions are actually still in that calm lapping little patient wavelets of faith and trust that things are unfolding as they are meant to and to keep my focus on living my own life best I can and somewhere across the horizon of time there's a point nearby where I'll see it all clearly and be grateful for what is now and what is coming that I can't yet see.  

I'm not trying to agitate to make things happen sooner or because of any impatience or unease in me right now, it's to help soothe out those questions that bubbled up in my inner quiet. 

Which maybe doesn't make much sense, but it's the best I can explain it right now. Because right now this morning is when it was bubbling up inside me the anxiety overthinking questions about why all these recent clarifications and what I expect from them and if it means a shift in my emotional seas after so much silence.... And I don't expect anything from sharing these recent truths of mine, I was just trying to put them in words form to better share them to help soothe the previous sets of overthinking questions. 

I mean, I'm still sitting in the place of not knowing how much he recognizes or feels the pull of the bond or how awake any of his gifts or memories are. I know my own subjective experiences of how it pulls and flows and feels when it's blocked and the emotions/overlays I always receive from him when the bond is vibrantly alive not asleep and I have THEORIZED that the bond couldn't be taut like a tuned guitar string that the emotions resonate down the way they do for me without it pulling with equal force on each attachment point so he has to feel it inside him same force as I do (both when it's healthy taut and when it goes unreachable slack asleep) even if he doesn't know what it is or to whom it attaches.... But I don't actually know that, it's just another theory of mine based on physics and how tension/resonance propagation work.  So I don't even know if he can feel it or how he experiences the tug of it (if he does) or the absences of it or how it affects him or what he wants. So I can't make any assumptions about him wanting me or my place in the happiness he seeks other than to say I can't dismiss the idea now that I thought of it that IF I am any part of the happiness he desires THEN me trying to let him go is working against his happiness even if I tell myself I'm doing it to try to free him to reach whatever his (unknown to me) chosen happiness might be. Hell, I don't even know if he's single or dating anyone right now (I just know he hasn't felt so strongly emotionally tied with anyone as to send me overlay flashes of his moments of strong emotions that I feel voyeuristic in seeing/experiencing through him so I struggle to put the bond to sleep whenever he does that sends me those sorts of strong emotional moments with another woman overlays.) and if he was dating someone else, I would rather deserve him looking elsewhere again given the amount of time this year I spent trying to tell myself to let him go and look elsewhere for myself, he would be well within any sense of fairness to have also been looking around himself to invest his heart elsewhere. I mean. For all I know, he might not even be thinking or feeling anything about me and I'm just wanting what I want unrequited with a one way bond.... I dont think that's the situation, but looking only at empirical things I know, I can't prove it isn't his truth.

I'm going to go wrinkle release run the dryer that finished while I was off to fetch us lunch then put the kettle on for another cuppa tea then back to reading and listening to Eric's songs (been on all day again) and chatting with Mikaela. (She didn't know what she wanted for music and I told her this is what we've been listening to and Griffin loves best of everything he's heard. And she said, "Let's listen to his solo songs then. I don't remember being overly angry at him over how the girls treated you in the bands name. I just don't like listening to the band songs anymore because they remind me of all that. It gives me a not great feelings now to listen to the bands songs so I don't. But I don't think I was ever upset with him personally." Which, she's a Taurus sun with a Leo rising so a lot of loyal pride/stubborn protectiveness in her (as opposed to my justice peace seeking deep empathy seeing both sides as a Libra sun with Pisces rising) and she doesn't have ADHD the way I do where I forget I was ever angry at someone once they stop making me actively angry so unlike me, my 20 year old bonus little sister unrelated to me DOES hold a grudge for a VERY long time if you're mean to anyone she cares about, lol.  I mean, my anger burns hot and fast and destructive while it lasts (especially it can eff up electronics, even just sparks of minor irritation in me can mess up anything electrical or fry light bulbs) but it's like a lightning strike or flash flood -- it's intense when it happens but it flashes out then it's over quickly and only the scars to heal of whatever it destroyed but nothing else that lingers or lasts.  I can remember an injustice that needs to be righted, but I don't hold onto the emotions or stay angry or hold a grudge -- I'll just remember that your accounts with Ma'at are uneven and the scales need to be adjusted if you really messed them up but that's really as much as I carry. I tend to remember the good not the difficult or bad -- once you clear the injustice aspect of things I will literally never remember it or bring it up ever again. The stubborn loyalty of a Taurus though, they hold the grudge and Mikaela is no exception to that rule. She stays angrier more annoyed at people for me  than I ever do. Even as a small child she was very overprotective of me. During a previous World Cup when she was like five, she was spending her summer days with me so I brought her with me to pubs to color and have lunch together while I watched the matches and one time at Claddagh the waiter was flirting with me wouldn't leave kept coming back and little five year old Mikaela just sets down her crayon and glares at him before telling him, "YOU aren't her polar bear. YOU aren't her prince. Go away, she wants to watch the soccer." She was right, I did want to watch the game and he wasn't my prince, but I never would have been so rude as to say that. He turned bright red then left us alone other than checking on drinks at the break between halves (during which she glowered at him but said nothing) and the bill for the rest of the time we were there for the match. I had to fight the whole rest of the game my laughter at her protectiveness over me because I didn't want to encourage bad behavior in a small child, but also it was objectively hilarious! So she has spent as long refusing to listen to ANY Delta Rae songs because she's angry at them for how I was treated as the number of years she spent having them be her absolute favorite band in her formative years as a kid being the only band we ever listened to when she was with me and what she used to play to fall asleep before the messes created in oct 2018. She also won't listen to We Banjo 3 for like 5 years now even though they were her replacement favorite ever since we learned around covid time about them referring to their fans as their cash cows and making jokes in bad taste about milking their cash cows and not properly appreciative of their fans leaning too much into the greed models of the modern music industry.

And she also decided that she very much loves Eric's album and the downloads from 100 songs that I have on my laptop and she can see why I would love them and why I and the animals have been listening to his songs on repeat lately.  I did tell her if she got tired of it I could turn it to something else if she asks but she hasn't asked. She did say something interesting about it. After lunch she was smiling beatifically on the couch and said, "I'm happy full from lunch and have a cozy cocoa. And the animals let me love on them, even Griffin did. And just being here always makes me happy." Me laughing, "I'm glad being here makes you happy. If it didn't I'd wonder at you coming to visit so often." She smiled, "It's one of my very happy places, being here hiding from the world among the books and art. In a bubble of Dani energy. And this album, these songs, they feel like they belong here in your energy -- just extra joy and peace having his music mixed in with your brightness." 

Anyway. Laundry extra time in the dryer to make it warm so I want to hug into me to actually fold it not ADHD doom pile it somewhere. And plugging in my phone (it's not that dead for me, 28%.) And then kettle for tea. And then back to reading until it's time to go fold the last of the laundry. And singing along on the songs whenever I feel like it, lol.