March/April Book List

Happy Beltane!! How is it we're already at the cross quarter betwixt vernal equinox and summer solstice?!  Crazy...

I decided I would share this after all because of reading a lot end of April and Indie Book Store Day purchases. That said, I only had one book acquired (from a little library) and that was the book of poetry by Galway Kinney before Indie Bookstore Day. Everything else I bought that day.... 

Um, because I can, here are some pictures of my Indie Book Day haul.  Spock was very excited, he's in the pictures because he sees new books that come in as gifts for him (as if my library were his collection not mine) and his to inspect (he rubs his cheek on ones he's excited for, and somehow he found and pawed out every poetry book to rub his cheek on, lol. Monday was his 16th birthday and I've been spending a lot of time with him this week because he wanted it and he's gotten so thin and frail you can feel every notch of every bone now which is skinnier than  was at his last vet visit -- and he only weighed 11.5lbs at his last vet visit (before his age caught up with him and his ckd started, he weighed around 16lbs) and he's lighter than that as well as bonier now. And his energy is lower and he's not eating as much though he always has food available and he's throwing up more often. His 6 month followup vet appointment in on May 5 for more bloodwork to assess his current level of ckd and if he needs any form of supplements due to not getting enough of certain vitamins. I hope he will make it for a while yet, sometimes he seems like his old self but he's starting to get the way Audrey was during her last several months where you could feel her body's exhaustion even while her love and soul burned brighter. He's not yet refusing to eat completely like she got at the end, but it's a slow progression in pet hospice stage.  I actually haven't seen any humans since Sat night and picking up my dog after the Penny & Sparrow show -- I've spent the entire time either alone at home with the animals (playing LOTS of George Winston to make the cat happy since piano music and especially George Winston is his favorite -- I actually stayed home with the animals listening to George Winston all day/night on Monday for Spock's birthday because we were maybe going to have bad storms and/or tornadoes and/or hail -- the worst of it was all to the west and north of us, but we did have some intense winds) and cramming in hours of work with my dog for this week. but I have concert plans to see Arcadian Wild on Thurs and Fri night and then on Sun brunch plans before Don Giovanni -- so will definitely be breaking my streak of not seeing any living humans as soon as tomorrow, lol.  Anyway, Spock is fading and I can tell but not to the point of considering putting him down instead of letting him die at home and I don't know how tenacious he will be hanging on for how much longer -- cats can be in their fading stage for months or years once they have a ckd diagnosis and/or aging catches up to them.

 

 Anyway. Indie Book Store Day Haul (including the book for my da that Spock tried to convince me I should keep even though he had 35 other new books to inspect, even after I told him I would be buying myself a copy in the future but wanted to give da his copy first) and sorry some of the pictures have weird greenish light in the white balance -- I had the migraine light on preemptively due to the barometric pressure shifts:

As you can see by his close watch over the new books before I could take them away from his purview so I could catalogue them and put them in the correct tbr stacks/shelves, Spock viewed all my book purchases as birthday gifts for him. (He likes when he is read poetry or anything Shakespeare of anything in French, but especially French poetry.  He also loves to pull off the shelves any fantasy books about magic/witches/wizards/warlocks, history books about the witchcraft trials, the Egyptian Book of the Dead, and a lot of occult books and tarot card decks. And, he loves to pull off the shelves try to get cat sitters to read him Proust BUT only the editions En Cherche du temps perdu in French and not my copy of it in English translation -- and none of my cat sitters have ever spoken or been able to read to him in French, lol. He was most interested in and protective about the Mary Oliver poetry book so that may jump the queue so I can read it aloud to him while he's still living.)

Books Read:

~Maggie O'Farrell, Hamnet (305 pgs) [this is a book of broken beauty to break your heart, only read it when looking for something to help you cry or when trying to wrap yourself around your own grieving process.]

~Diana Wynne Jones, Dogsbody (242 pgs)

~Pat Barker, The Silence of the Girls (291 pgs) [I really wanted to love this book, but I started it multiple times in the past and never got into it. It's not long or difficult and once I got far enough into it I made quicker headway, I just don't think it's very good at the start (the part she was passionate to write is later in the book when it improves, but it's very hit or miss throughout and you can tell the parts that are forced filler and not what she wanted to be writing) and I'd rather do other things than read it so it took me forever to finish despite being under 300 pgs. I love Greek myths and the resurgence in retellings of them -- but I didn't like her writing style very much to start and don't know that I want to buy any more of hers even if her feminist retellings of Greek myth are what made her famous as an author. I enjoyed the second half to two-thirds of the book far better than the start which was harder for me to get into than I expected and led to several DNF attempts and restarts before I decided to just plow through to finish it.... Knowing this is now the first in a trilogy (it wasn't when I picked it up) I'll probably try to find the other two (gently) used and then re-read it before reading them, but it won't be a high priority for me to try to find them or invest a lot of money into it.]

~100 Favorite English & Irish Poems Dover Thrift Editions (90 pgs) [I had mixed feelings about this, because it says it's English & Irish poems but it also includes Scottish, Welsh, and Cornish poets and that's a HUGE cultural faux pas and slap in the face (especially to the Scots...) but I picked it up anyway because it had poems I didn't own elsewhere and it's been a convenient purse book for me across all the recent shows due to its thin size and poems being easier to set aside than longer stories/non fiction books.]

~Andrea J. Buchanan & Miriam Peskowitz, The Double-Daring Book for Girls (277 pgs) [This was very all over the place with the information in it, VERY hit or miss... Now I understand why it was in the little library I found it in, lol. And why I likely intend to return it to some little library now that I read it. I feel like it would be really great for a specific age group, like late Brownies through Juniors aged Girl Scouts, trying to find things to do or new topics to learn about....]

~R. F. Kuang, Babel (546 pgs) [you know those books that you were told were amazing and people who know you best tell you that you NEED to read it because you will love it and based on descriptions you believed the hype but for whatever reason the opening pages/chapters just didn't quite click for you and so you delayed reading them until one day you decided to just drive in and then once invested in it you had to immediately devour the entire novel cover to cover and do nothing else (not even eat or sleep, nothing except make another cuppa tea and a pee break while the kettle is on) until this entire book is done? Yeah. This was one of those books for me. Highly highly recommend, even if fantasy and/or historical fiction aren't typically your favorite genres, read this one. And now I definitely need to invest in picking up for myself the books in her Poppy War Trilogy.... Genuinely, I haven't loved a standalone novel this much since my first time reading Guy Gabriel Kay's Tigana and before that finally reading the unabridged Les Misérables which are both, respectively, my favorite fantasy and classic standalone novels. Which probably says more about me and my unwavering idealism and my souls journey through the many millennia of incarnating on this planet than than anything else to anyone who has read any/all of these novels.]

~T. S. Eliot, The Wasteland ( pgs) [Annual re-read because April is the cruellest month...]

~Marilynne K. Roach, Six Women of Salem (445 pgs) [The Salem witch trial day of remembering is March 1 when the witch hunts began and March is women's history month, so this seemed like the perfect book to start as my non-fiction purse book start of the month. It's just long and thick and heavy and it was a purse book, facts which are rather mutually exclusive for a lot of things like shows where I don't want the weight so I brought the poetry instead.]

~Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel (479 pgs) [I decided to re-read the Infernal Devices trilogy so I could (finally) read The Last Hours trilogy which is a follow up about the next generation. I haven't yet decided if I'm going to re-read Mortal Instruments series and the follow up trilogy or not while immersed in the world. It's a lot of pages, but I do always love the Shadowhunters universe while I'm immersed in it, even if her style is obvious/repetitive for the plot arcs and romances in them but the central characters are all always darling loveable uniquely individuated. On verra. But I was saving my re-read of the London based late Victorian trilogy and then finally reading the Edwardian trilogy for when the weather would suit -- a series of cold rainy gray days with my schedule free enough to allow binge reading bouts. Last autumn never lined up right for it, but right NOW end of this April it felt like the right thing to read after the alternate Victorian fantasy world of Babel AND the seasonal weather is perfect AND I have lots of unclaimed free time to easily read 500+ pages in a day, lol.]

~Elie Wiesel, Night (109 pgs) [I didn't really want to interrupt my binge re-read of Infernal Devices, but I finished Clockwork Angel early the morning of Holocaust Remembrance Day and I'd been thinking before I started my rereads I should finally read my copies of Elie Wiesel (matched Bantam Books paperbacks of Night and Dawn) since I never had it as required reading. And since the timing lined up and everything going on with the Magats into his country, it seemed right to honor the remembrance day by finally reading this even if it hurts to read it. There are times when there is nothing you can do to stop the brutal cruelty humans inflict on other humans, and in those times you must bear witness that it happened and that you will do whatever you can to prevent it recurring. Sometimes, bearing witness to the stories, told and untold, is the least of what you can do.]

~Elie Wiesel, Dawn (102 pgs) [I decided in the name of bearing witness, to also read his novel of the aftermath and the process in Israel of victims dehumanizing others in the name of never again being victims. Perpetuating the tragic cycles.]

~Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince (500 pgs)

~Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess (570 pgs)

~Plutarch (the Dryden translation), Plutarch's Lives Volume 1 (764 pgs) [this took me a very long while to finish. It's long and dry and while interesting, the way it's written can be difficult or make one sleepy. Too many words with too little content or too much content in too compressed a space. And I'm the one saying that! I did enjoy it, but also sometimes just trying to slog through paragraphs made me fall asleep despite myself. Now on to starting Volume 2, lol]

 

Books Acquired:

~Anna Akhmatova (translated by D. M. Thomas), Akhmatova Poems

~Sherman Alexie, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian

~Attar (translated by Sholeh Wolpe), The Conference of the Birds

~Algernon Blackwood, The Wendigo and Other Stories

~Olivie Blake, The Atlas Paradox

~Olivie Blake, The Atlas Complex

~Dee Dee Chainey & Willow Windham, Treasury of Folklore: Woodlands & Forests

~Hafsah Faizal, A Tempest of Tea

~Susan Fletcher & Rebecca Green, A Bear Far from Home

~Stephanie Garber, A Curse for True Love

~Genevieve Gornichec, The Weaver and the Witch Queen

~Joy Harjo & Michael Goode, Remember

~translated by Yoel Hoffman, Japanese Death Poems

~Friedrich Hölderlin, Selected Poems and Fragments

~Henry Hughes (editor), River Poems

~Hollie Hughes & Sarah Massini, The Girls and the Mermaid

~Galway Kinnell, Strong Is Your Hold

~R. F. Kuang, The Poppy War

~R. F. Kuang, The Dragon Republic

~R. F. Kuang, The Burning God

~Ursula K. LeGuin, The Unreal and the Real

~George MacDonald, The Princess and Curdie

~Noah Medlock, A Botanical Daughter

~Jean Menzies (editor), Dragons, Wyverns and Serpents Myths and Legends

~Jean Menzies (editor), Witches, Wizards and Sorcerers Myths and Legends

~Sosuke Natsukawa, The Cat Who Saved Books

~GennaRose Nethercott, Thistlefoot

~Seán Ó Ríordáin, Apathy Is Out Ní Ceadmhach Neamshuim

~Molly O'Neill, Green Teeth

~Mary Oliver, Devotions

~Jini Reddy, Wanderland

~V. E. Schwab, The Near Witch

~V. E. Schwab, A Conjuring of Light

~Irene Vallejo, Papyrus: The Invention of Books in the Ancient World

~Karen Van Dyck (editor), Austerity Measures: The New Greek Poetry

~William Butler Yeats, The Collected Poems of W. B. Yeats

 Ooft. On the scale from 1 to I spent waaaaaay beyond any semblance of budget, I bought a fucking lot of books in Indie Bookstore Day and will be feeling rather poor for a while now.... A lot of them were filling out series I was waiting for the last volume in paperback before reading. But also. Yikes! It's a lot of books I picked up in this book haul... All of them new.... A helluva lot of books.... 

Was able to find one copy of Light Bringer today, and while both Crissy and I were hoping to pickup copies today since all of the Red Rising series reminds us of Penny & Sparrow who introduced us to that book series, we both agreed I should pick it up for my da because he has a narrower bandwidth of authors/books/genres he enjoys and wasn't getting so many other books today and he had a rough end to his week. He was asleep on the couch when I dropped it off when picking up the dog, but I left it for him in front of the tv in the living room by his keys so he will see it tomorrow.  I will still have to pickup a copy for me somewhere in the future, but here we are. 

Also. Penny & Sparrow were fantastic at their show tonight in Madison!!! Always great to see Kyle & Andy, quite genuinely just like them as people. Indie Book Store Day and a Penny & Sparrow show! Delightful! Did not go to Wendigo for lunch because they don't open til 4p, so did Viking Brew Pub instead. Um, lots of other stories from the day, but I will tell them tomorrow at a real keyboard not tapping at my phone screen. I'm gonna go make some tea and read til I get too sleepy and head to bed, I'm actually super tired now, but also books and tea.

😘 Sorry not sorry I'm utterly incorrigible about the things I love. My budget busters are and always will be: books, music, concerts, art, tea, theatre, good whiskey/wine, plants/flowers, and travel for friends/family visits and/or shows. Just know this about me and if you love me enough, you'll go to shows with me share the experience/memory making and help me find my way to a someday house with a dedicated library and gorgeous wood shelves with enough of them that my books don't need to be crowded double/triple stacked. 

But also... 35 new books (36 if you count the one I picked up for my da) means I'm gonna spend most of the next several months on a diet that is variations on a theme of dried beans and rice, pasta, frozen ground beef, potatoes, and frozen tomatoes/peppers from last year's harvest overflow that I threw in the freezer so they wouldn't rot. Too bad eggs are so damn expensive, they're usually among my cheap proteins when I have to extra frugal diet to make up for my lack of shelf control when book shopping....

 Back from seeing Black Violin with my parents (very amazing show) and then a late night dinner of delightful rounds of yakitori options from Izakaya Kuroyama (I keep forgetting that they have late night food until 2am whenever I'm struggling to figure out something I want late night post concerts. I got so used to so many places downtown considering "kitchen open until 10" to be late night in post covid Madison -- glad to see the restaurant scene is healing and more options are becoming available for later dinner. Post concerting dinner is a very important meal, especially if it was a very dancy show, lol)

Anyway, I'm now at work to pick up Miss Waffles O'Whoofigans but I don't need to get any more hours in for this week, already over 45 hours, so right now playing the "when can I turn off the Billy Joel" game. This is a very difficult game that I started when Billy Joel became the babysitting music for Audrey Pupburn because he was her favorite music (probably in large part because of how much I love his music, lol) and now Waffles O'Whoofigans prefers him over anything else I've tried with her whenever I have to leave the dog alone. or at least it is a hard game for me, because you have to either hit a song you don't love (and in my 268 songs of Billy Joel mix (some are repeats because on multiple albums because of the 4 disc best of boxed set and me owning most of his albums) there are VERY few songs that qualify as "eh, I could turn this one off mid song") OR you have to catch precisely the right moment BETWEEN songs to cleanly finish the one song BEFORE the next one gets far enough in for the "O I love this song!!" reaction which in my case is within the opening bars before most people have identified which song it is yet. Even just trying to leave is hard because like, today, when I put it on for her it randomized to If I Only Had the Words (To Tell You) which has been my absolute favorite weak in the knees song since I was in like the second grade -- so I obviously had to stay for that but then I had to try to leave while having the playlist going for her so I could get downtown look for parking and then walk over for the 7pm show, lol. That's even harder than the game to try to turn off the Billy Joel music, because turning off is a clean stop -- walking out means walking out while still hearing the next opening of a song....

 Anyway. This post will only be as long as the number of Billy Joel songs it takes for me to hit the right moment (or the right song) to turn off the Billy Joel mix. Judge me for that however you want, but it's my truth. One can't simply turn off the middle of a Billy Joel song, even if you can listen to it any time you damn well please. For example, right now the song is All About Soul. And just, I can't comprehend who could turn that off mid song... Whoever that is, it ain't me. Eventually I'll go home. Eventually.

So for tomorrow, I completely forgot that tomorrow is both Crazy legs (a Madison tradition the last Saturday in April, this is like the 43rd annual, it's an 8k run/bike with a 2k walk option) AND Mifflin Block Party (a campus drinking party) which means college town going to be hella college towning, lol. So not heading down for Farmer's Market, not even early, and then Lake City Books when they open because Crazy legs starting at 9:30 will means lots of blocked off streets. But that's okay because Lake City Books is really close to Majestic Theatre (they're both off the square though at different corners) and doesn't close til 6pm so we will head downtown and park for book shopping then dinner then the Penny & Sparrow concert. So instead of Farmer's Market and buying food (actual practical need to, lol) I'll be spending my day in various bookstores. 

I believe the plan is to drop off Waffles at my parents house for the day at 9ish then drive to Spring Green to hit Arcadia when they open at 10am. There's a non zero possibility if we're both ready early enough that Crissy and I will get in queue to head to Book Deal (mostly used books) for their 9am opening but last year, the queue was INSANE when we had driven past it to consider for Indie Book Store Day and just way too people-y. But if we are both up and have coffee and it's nice enough, we can queue up and browse and be done to head to Spring Green in plenty of time. Usually I associate Arcadia with stopping for book shopping before/after seeing plays at APT, but this last year we didn't have time for book shopping or couldn't get out of town to make it to Spring Green before Arcadia would close. And I miss it. Small store, wonderful curation but not one I expect to buy TOOO many titles, but you never know what I will find, lol. After Arcadia, we're headed to Verona for Kismet Bookshops which is small but has a very well curated fantasy/YA section (and I just love it generally, delightful vibes and humans) AND they are running a curated list special of 10% off banned books for Indie Book Store Day. Mikaela wanted to meet up for Indie Book Store Day (I had asked her about it and she does) and specifically she's been very excited to visit Kismet since I told her about it after I was there last year for the first time. So I'm supposed to text her and her mom with our timeline once we know it (47mins drive from Arcadia to Kismet) but I told them 11:30-noon made sense to me. Also right next door to Kismet is a really nice yarn shop (Crissy is a knitter and it's also Indie Yarn Store Day on Sat) and Sow's Ear Coffeeshop which makes delicious lattes (but their food is small portion pricey not great) for caffeine break AND across teh street is the nice Goodwill where Epic people donate expensive stuff. Then after Verona we will head over to Stoughton to lunch at Wendigo (maybe Viking Brew Pub, but most likely Wendigo) and check out Ink Cap (a very new bookstore) and the yarn shop in Stoughton that Crissy always wants to visit never does because of their hours.) then back in Madison, our book shops are Ink & Ivy (which I've not been to yet fairly recently opened but I love their story and their vibe even though I'm not their target audience with romances and kids books being their main focus -- but I collect beautiful kids books.) We may try to stop by the mystery book story on Monroe, but maybe not -- I enjoy a good murder mystery, but when I read too many of them, I find them predictable. We do want to hit up Leopold's and it will be on our way to downtown proper BUT they are also open until midnight... VERY small bookstore and cocktail bar (attached to Fabiola's Italian restaurant) but very well curated and they're organized rather uniquely by geography region (with kids and fantasy their own sections) and then alphabetical withing the geographical section have the fiction and non-fiction and eras all mixed together. Then last but not least Lake City Books (where I can spend WAY too much time) before dinner somewhere near the square or on State St before the Penny & Sparrow concert at 8 (I think doors at 7p, but we'll eat dinner first and then be wherever we end up in the crowd.)  

Should I be going to all those bookstores in one day? O dear gods no! Very much a bad idea. But I'm still going to, haven't let me book shop really all year. And browsing books available at Target doesn't count and you know it!

 So there's your catch up on my life. Black Violin classical hip-hop fusion show followed by late night dinner of yakitori selections at Izakaya Kuroyama both with my parents and now not able to turn off Billy Joel yet so my dog and I can head home then tomorrow is all book shopping and yarn stores and country drives and delicious food and good company and then the Penny & Sparrow show!! Delightful weekend plans if I do say so myself!

Sunday I need to reach out to my cousin Sabra (she's having a rough time in her life recently, not just about Shauna, who is not responding to the chemo thus far, but Shauna will be my reason to reach out try to make plans with Sabra before I then reach out to Shauna about making plans with her. It's complicated and not my story to tell here right now) and hope she gets back to me and then to work getting hours in AND to email my insurance agent about switching to the Prisu before I forget (but I don't want it time stamped nearly midnight.) And then this coming week, my plans are to work and to read and get some laundry done in there and get the car sale and insurance finalized and done and the DMV plates transfer dealt with. And then next week there are no shows in my plans until Thurs/Fri and then Sunday.

 Ooh! It's Everybody Has a Dream, one of the "eh I can turn it off during this song" songs for me. Guess we get to go home now. 

A bientôt!!

 P. S. Sunrise addendum:

When I said I'm not going to be swayed by my own desires or his if they're not strong enough to motivate actions, I dont mean I stopped desiring him. I want what I want and that hasn't changed. And when I say I want to know the truth of what is because I'd rather he have the happiness he seeks than to be mine, it doesn't mean I don't want him to be mine and for that to be his happiness he's seeking -- it just means I couldn't be happy with him being mine if I doubted or if I knew that I wasn't what he wanted for himself, if I felt I was somehow blocking and in the way of him having the happiness he seeks. Of course I still desire him and of course I still want it to be mutual and of course I want to be the happiness he seeks. I don't know how not to want those things... But they have to be true for there to be meaning and beauty and goodness in what I want. I have to know them to be true and to be his truth as they are mine. And I don't know that, in fact I often doubt it. So how can I say that because I desire him more than anything else I selfishly desire therefore that should be my guiding star when I don't know it to be true that the desire is mutual and that the happiness he's seeking requires me in it? I don't mean to seem wishy washy or uncertain, but it's important to me to know the truth and I only desire him to be mine if his truth and my truth align and the desire is mutual. Otherwise, if it's not mutual and no part of the happiness he seeks for himself, I'd rather seek to find elsewhere someone who loves me and who I could love to build my future happiness with. Just because I'd rather he be happy than be mine doesn't mean that what I want most is anything other than for him to be happy AND mine because he chose me. I just dont have the faith in me anymore to believe that third option to be true.

But also. Sometimes there's something rises up in me rebellious as a small child's tantrum and it just insists, "I can't. I can't. I can't. I won't do it!" And refuses to even entertain the thought of making myself let him go and letting go of the hope/dream of reunion with him unless I can be certain it is his truth that that's what he wants, for me to let him go and shut down the bond between us for the rest of this life.

 I don't actually have much to say right now, just realized it had been a while since I last wrote here. That wasn't any sort of intentional, I just didn't have anything inside me I needed to write out to see more clearly and then time blindness and so here we are and it's been a week since my last post and I guess I did leave things in a weird spot, but internally I've been sitting more in, "what he chooses for himself is up to him and I'm just going to focus on loving what and who is in my life not desiring for anyone who isn't choosing to be" headspace of acceptance of whatever the isness of right now is. More than any sort of emotions about things, what I feel is acceptance, to accept what IS and not lie to myself or accept some fantasy version that isn't based on truth. The greatest desire in me building since the weekend until sitting steady in me this week isn't a fickle or changeable desire for whether I should be holding on or for letting go, it's a desire to know truth to accept it for what it IS. Even if that isness to be accepted is the isness of distance and distractions and the indifference that is a lack of desire to bridge that. I'm past a point of letting my own desires sway me and I think I'm past a point of his desires to sway me if those desires are not strong enough to affect his actions/choices, all I care about at this point is understanding and accepting the truth for what is. And so I'm trying to see that clearly and to sit in non action until I can see the isness of things. To accept the isness of this moment and people's choices (past, present, and future) and the truths of their nature that brought them to such choices. I don't desire a pretty illusion, I desire to know truth and accept it's isness in this moment. And that's the stillness I've been sitting in regarding things, the still point fulcrum of a desire to know truth and accept it as it is rather than how I might want (or not want) it to be -- and so I've been working on sitting in the open handed tranquility of neither holding on nor throwing away, just keeping my palm open to see what the isness of his choices and his truth are when he's free to choose whatever he desires for himself -- and to accept what I learn from that regarding how he touches my life, if his desires touch my path at all. 

If I continue to have little or nothing to say here, there's a non zero possibility of me just setting it all to private and ceasing to write here until I have something feels worth sharing in word form here again. I haven't made up my mind to it, but I've been considering it across the last moon cycle. If all I have to share here is banal or an ought to or sharing from a substack email list parts of the free posts anyone could sign up for, why waste the time/energy of myself and others on it? On verra. I've not made any decisions yet. As I said, I'm sitting in the place of accepting isness and trying to see the truth of what is before I take any action, but I am considering setting this private going silent here until I have something I feel worth the time/energy or that requires of me I put it into word form to see it clearly.

Ross DID come on Saturday to take the decals off the Prius. It was a bit of an all day endeavor due to side quests and him needing to talk about some things going on in his life, but he did finish by the end of daylight and it looks great! So now I just need to write the check and sign over the title and take it to the DMV and switch over the plates and switch my insurance coverage and it's all done. And all of it just requires me feeling well enough during daytime hours to do these things.  Technically, only the DMV and conversation with my insurance agent have to be done during the daylight hours -- the signing over of the title and me writing a check could be done at absolutely any hour my mum and I decide to do it, lol. I probably ought to drive the Prius a bit on highway just to test it, since I haven't yet, but I don't expect any problems. It was mostly verifying it DOES hold its charge as long as it's being driven fairly regularly and isn't showing any signs of a slow trickle battery issue before it was sold to me for keeps. Just to be sure.

As to why I've not taken care of the last steps yet, I've been feeling pretty unwell physically this last week because of the carpet replacement on the first floor and stairs/landings last week are still fairly freshly off gassing (though not as strongly chemical off gassing as at Crissy's which were replaced over a month ago and remains worse than it ever was at my place for this carpet replacement.) The worst is coming and going, I'm wearing a kn95 again every time I enter and leave my condo go through the common areas -- and even with that to help, the chemicals still prick and burn my eyeballs whether I wear my contacts or glasses. technically, you shouldn't wear contacts around any form of off gassing because the soft plastic absorbs the chemicals and then you put them in direct contact with your eyeballs -- so like in all my college chem labs, was required to wear glasses under the protective goggles never contacts but I figure it's such short duration through the halls and I still don't like driving where I need to change lanes wearing my glasses because of the blurriness it causes in my peripheral vision compared to when I'm wearing my contacts. Anyway, even masked the off gassing causes my eyes to burn and prick and water in the hallways but the mask helps with the migraine issues or any light headedness while I'm traversing the stairs.  I don't have as much issue with the offgassing in my unit since they replaced my hallway carpet more recently and now matched downstairs and the landing to ours -- so only the small amount of the off gassing that comes under the fire door and then through my own door reaches me (AND I have air purifiers on in the living room and bedroom) BUT every time anyone opens the fire door from my floor (and especially if they leave it propped open to bring in anything) I get instant migraines from the whoosh of the chemicals coming through the opened door if I'm in the living room at that point. Not my favorite, but it could be worse as long as it's a quick open close, it's pretty bad though if the fire door is propped open by anyone carrying stuff in.. That gets me a longer term migraine light headed syncope problem that only rest will improve.  AND because right now it's the season where so many people spray their lawns with chemical pesticides/herbicides and that always makes me ill. (if I just walk nearby somewhere that's been sprayed or even driving past with the windows down, I can taste the chemicals in the back of my mouth (for longer than the warnings to keep animals and children off for a week unless it rains heavily in that week) and when I've been out walking the dog while companies are actively spraying, not only can I taste it but even if I'm walking on  the other side of the street and upwind, the chemicals on the air are enough to give me instant migraine and make me start to black out with a syncope spell and my skin turns super pale blue-ish and even though I can't see anything because I'm starting to black out I make me keep walking because passing out that close to the chemicals causing the problem would be worse than trying to push through and keep going even though I can't see anything and I know from past experience I'm in the first stage of passing out in a syncope spell.) So it's not my favorite and I've not been taking the dog for walks, even though the weather has been beautiful now when not raining, simply because of the spraying chemicals on lawns throughout the neighborhood and how badly my system reacts to ti. They've also been replacing the gutters/downspouts on the building this week but other than being noisy up above, I don't think it's really got anything involved that would cause me off gassing related issues AND tomorrow (today now?) a company is coming in for dryer vent cleaning.

So I've not been doing much recently other than sleeping a lot due to migraine triggers and working and reading and was at my parents house last night for dinner and finishing up the dvred figure skating Nationals. 

Um, I don't think I really have much more to write atm, I'm sitting pretty comfortably in my own inner peace right now. Last few days have been pretty massive flows of love unexpectedly down the bond, not sure why just know is. And for whatever reason, there's been a lot of love coming down the bond, at the most unexpected surprise out of nowhere moments, all this week -- which has actually been very lovely and soothing especially given how much of the week I've been feeling physically not great due to the off gassing in the building and not even being able to have the windows/balcony door open for fresh air, except when it's raining, because of the chemicals from the spraying of the pesticide/herbicide.

 This weekend I have tickets for Black Violin on Fri night and then Sat night is the Penny & Sparrow show, which I'm very much looking forward to since it's been a little while since they toured near me. I think the last time was their show at Stoughton Opera House many years back, and they sounded amazing off mic in that space when the mics were acting up with gremlins in the wires. AND Saturday is Indie Book Store Day so I'm probably going to spend way too much money visiting indie bookstores that day but I haven't been to a bookstore in months and months so, ehrm, yeah. There's that. Dane County Farmer's Market is back around the square, so maybe I should Farmer's Market Sat morning and then go over to Lake City Books (newer bookstore, sells both new and used books, has a MASSIVE selection of fantasy and scifi type genres, and is right next to Bradbury's Coffee Shop (named for the scifi author, delicious coffee and has THE best crêpes, though I think right now their only savory one I can't eat because it has ham in it, unless they have specials I can eat) across the street from the Children's Museum off the square. Maybe that's how I ought to start my Indie Bookstore Day and Penny & Sparrow Concert Day... (Curiously, I actually always associate Penny & Sparrow with books because they wrote the song Gold based on reading Red Rising and that's what introduced me to that scifi series (which is AMAZING, and one of the few modern authors/series that my da enjoys since I bought it for him after I read it thanks to the Penny & Sparrow recommendation) and so that absolutely delights me since the tour announcement that their Madison concert date coincides with Indie Bookstore Day! Like that just is one of those perfect happy synchronicities that I adore finding in life. Oooh, I should double check if I picked up Light Bringer yet for me (and check if my da has it) because I'm pretty sure it was still only in hardcover the last time I was looking at it except while I was traveling and I didn't see a point in buying it at an airport bookstore on my way flying out on a trip when I didn't have the others with me to read... But if I don't have it yet, that would be the perfect one to pickup on Saturday given it's the latest in the followup trilogy to Red Rising trilogy. I suppose that's only if I don't have it when I check at home tonight and if I find it in stock at any of the indie bookstores, lol. At home edit: looks like I still need Light Bringer. Although, Red God isn't due out until summer 2026 to complete the series and I will still have to wait for it in paperback so I may wait even longer before I binge reread the original trilogy and Iron Gold (start of the followup series) then Dark Age which I own haven't read yet and the one I haven't even bought yet! Otherwise I will binge re-read all six of the others before reading Red God, because that's how I am when it comes to series (be it book or television/film) that I want to immerse myself back into it before enjoying the newest one. Still feel like if I find Light Bringer on Indie Book Store Day that is also a Penny & Sparrow concert Day is the right day to pickup the ones I'm missing in the followup series that are available in paperback now... Because the world is the same as they wrote Gold about after all and it's thanks to that song I've read the books I have read and bought them for my da as soon as I started reading Red Rising knowing he would love it. If I don't find it on Indie Book Store Day, I will order from an indien bookstore two copies of Light Bringers for me and my da now it's in paperback and gift him his for Father's Day. Which means I will need to find something comparable for my maman for Mother's Day...)

Ehrm. That's actually it I think. Next week is pretty chill start of the week and then two Arcadian Wild shows on May 1 (Stoughton) & 2 (Milwaukee) and then Madison Opera's performance of Don Giovanni on May 4 (we decided not to even bring up the Cassie & Maggie show unless Denis cancels on us because we had told Denis we'd go with him to opera which he loves never has anyone to go with him to see if we don't and Crissy will eat the tickets cost because she was the one didn't have Don Giovanni in her calendar when she decided to pickup the tickets. And even if we left at intermission, we couldn't make it up to La Crosse by the start of the Cassie & Maggie show. Which sadly means missing both their nearby shows since their Milwaukee show is the same night as Penny & Sparrow show at the Majestic this Saturday. Is what it is, sometimes band schedules be like that -- at least I got to see them twice opening for Skerryvore, y'know? Also, thinking to go see Skerryvore at the Chicago Festival & Highland Games in June...I think just the Saturday though unless they're playing late enough on Friday I can drop my grandma off from her optometry appointment AND get down to the Chicago area fairgrounds before their set, lol. Which I could figure out if the entertainment schedule was up for the Highland Games but it wasn't last I checked.)  Then the next couple weeks have a couple shows every week until the 19 then nothing the rest of the month of May other than pet sitting (definitely Henry while Crissy is at DI Globals, maybe Sophie while my parents are out of town if they fly out west for their Spring Montana visit) and somewhen in May it will be the time for Spring plant shopping and planting once we're past the risks of late frosts AND the lows are above 50F (for my tomatoes and peppers, nightshades get stunted by cold if you put them outside before your lows stay above 45-50F depending on varietal) which isn't typically until mid to late May up here in the north.

 

Also.  Not gonna lie, I am really REALLY confused by this week's astro poets horoscopes and have been all week -- maybe you can make some sense of them but personally I definitely think they are a product of celebrating 4/20 WAY too hard to the point they couldn't even words or coherent syntax and didn't even get them out until the next day, lol. That said, despite the general "wtf are you trying to translate into English here?" of them, there's still a pattern of dialogue and reciprocal meaning between Libra and Pisces even though neither makes much coherent sense individually OR in dialogue with any of the others (which are all written in similar style but not like they're dancing together different views of the same story unfolding the way Libra and Pisces are and have been for well over a year now.)

 "Week of 4/20 in Libra: When you begin the midst of the sun you knew it. But that did not mean that illumination was necessary. Lit from the inside was something you knew. Let it flower among you. Let the dreams of hope begin again."

 "Week of 4/20 in Pisces: You went into the day and couldn’t believe. But that’s not because believing is everything. You do not need to go completely in. In fact you can’t. In fact right now the liminal spaces are true."

So if you're falling through the cracks again, Maybe the fall was by design. 'Cause someone's gonna break your heart again, That's just proof that you're alive. I have this deep, deep feeling in my ribs again. I just keep, keep, keep moving on. Like the deep, deep current in the riverbed, I have to keep, keep, keep moving on. There's times I need direction. There's times I need to roam. I move station to station, I showed up here alone. I am my own arrow. I am my own home. It's all right, all right, It's all I've ever known

I'm not going to discuss geopolitics (or homegrown threats) here right now. It's too all encompassing going through this crash course of history lessons you may have missed, playing out in the stupidest most cruel ways possible -- we're all stuck in it living it and I don't need to write about it here since the only way to avoid hearing/talking about it is staying home in hermitage not seeing anyone or checking in on anything at all on my phone.

So instead, here's a post about the mythic and dream space and this week's astro poets horoscope with a title picked from a song I love that's been in my head a lot this week so far.

So I was thinking recently about the myth of Psyche and Eros. Specifically about the fact that my first time reading/remembering the old myths (side note: my introduction to mythology is Edith Hamilton's retellings which my mom owned and I read for the first time in kindergarten or first grade; I actually have strong opinions and theories about what sort of person you are and become depending on if your first intro to the myths are from Bulfinch or from Edith Hamilton. And in the last 200 years since people stopped learning Greek and Latin as part of core schooling and no longer read the original writings when they are children, before the more modern fictional retellings that are how many of gen z and later first encountered the classic myths, these are the versions you generally first encountered many of the myths. Both of them are simplifying into a canon what are messy multiplicity of myths, but the way they tell the canon is fascinatingly skewed by their perspectives. Anyway, my first encounter with the myths in this life were through the lens of Edith Hamilton's Mythology, not Bulfinch.] But anyway, I was considering the myth of Psyche and Eros recently and how this was my second favorite of all the myths even when I was a small child. (My first favorite has always been Atalanta, though in a weird way there are a lot of parallels between them.) because as a kid, I was so certain "this is your story this life" which made absolutely no sense to me I was just certain of it and the goddess confirmed it to me when i asked her as a child but she told me not to worry about it because it would take time/patience but would unfold for the best healing to come together finally in mutual recognition but only after doubting and jealousies had seemed to destroy everything and set off on trials to find each other again.. 

And now, so much later in my life looking back, I find it so interesting comparing that myth to how things have mapped out to get us to where we are now and me still not seeing the way from here to cross the distances that have grown from the choices made.

It's just interesting. I don't pretend it's an answer, or even any part of one, I was just thinking recently upon the myth and how it relates to my own soul's journey through this life path.

I also had a polar bear dream since my last post.  a recurring one of the main part of it, though at some point this week it shifted because I got so fed up with night after night of it. But even once the dream changed the ending, it was more frustrating than illuminating and didn't really answer or promise anything. We were just both caught in a labyrinth of sorts made of mists and mirrors (but mirrors showing all wrong angles and fantasy could be versions of us not us qua us) and echoes, never reaching each other because we'd head off based on what the mirrors and mists lied to our eyes promised us would actually take us further and even when we were right near each other close enough to touch each other if we had just turned the right way, we got turned around by the mirrors and mists headed away from each other seeking the promise of the other or thinking an echo was the original. And there was always a turning way out right by everywhere that I was, but it was to leave, to give up, to not reach each other. It was such a frustrating dream.... And I just got so frustrated and felt it all so hopeless and I just had a temper tantrum like a small child and I just started smashing the mirrors until my hands were bloody but there were still so many mirrors everywhere, even where I'd already broken them, and after breaking every mirror within my reach then having them repair/replace the moment I turned my back, I just sat down where I was to bang my fists against the ground continue venting my frustration with how hopeless it felt. I didn't take the way out, I just stopped playing the game sat down to have a temper tantrum because I was getting so frustrated and angry and feeling it was all hopeless. When I did that I disappeared out of the mirrors and then the polar bear got convinced I was just gone gone, that I had given up taken the exit out, and he got so depressed that he stopped and sat where he was started crying. And then I couldn't see him through the mirrors and mists, but I knew he hadn't taken his exit out to give up walk away because I could hear the echoes of his crying from every direction of his crying and I got so angry that this stupid labyrinth had hurt him so deeply and I couldn't solve it and my anger just boiled over burnt up all my frustration and I screamed out at it and after I was done screaming I just shouted into the echoes from all different directions, "This. Is. So. Stupid." And the bear stopped crying stood up on his hind legs so I saw him again in the mirrors through the mists turning round and round as he shouted back, "You're not gone?" And I stood up again so he could see me in all the mirrors said, "Not gone. This just seemed hopeless to me. And it was all so stupidly hopeless that I got frustrated and gave up trying." And bear just seemed so happy as he was turning around in circles in that same spot trying to find the original me through the echoes/reflections and he said, "Not hopeless because you're not gone. Just. Hold still. Let me find my way back to you." And I just snorted sarcastically told him, "We  tried that already. It didn't work. The mists and mirrors and echoes are too confusing. What are you going to do? Close your eyes and ears, so you just follow the bond?" And he grinned then shrugged, closed his eyes, and said, "We haven't tried that yet. Close your own eyes so you don't let the mirrors confuse you again, and just stay there tugging on the bond pulling it in." And so I just closed my eyes and sat in the sensory deprivation and tugged on the bond trying to pull it in toward me and trusting that maybe this would work since the eyes and ears had been so confused by the mists and mirrors and echoes. And when I closed my eyes in the dreaming, I woke up into my waking world.

And that was it, no resolution about if that will work. No reconnection moment. Not even the promise of it working eventually.  No idea how we get out of the damn labyrinth even if he can reach me find me that way -- or if it's just a shamanic dream space representative of this stupid hopeless mess and will just fade away as soon as it's "solved" or given up on.

 It was such a frustrating dream. And I didn't even know when I woke up what emotions I felt about it because I was such a mess of so many emotions and didn't even know whether I was feeling more frustrated hopeless over how stupid it was that in seeking each other we were running away form each other or to feel hope that maybe this would work if I just held tight to the bond and kept tugging on that to pull him in to find me and reach me through all the mirrors and mists and echoes. Honestly, the strongest emotion I had even upon waking was just thinking it was so fucking stupid we were even in that labyrinth of mists and fun house mirrors and echoes dealing with it.

 I honestly can't remember ever having a dream that made me feel so frustrated/hopeless/angry/thinking it was so stupid we were even stuck within it as that dream made me feel....

It doesn't answer or really solve anything, but I thought I would share it. I can understand how my dreaming self created it and appreciate the symbolism in it, but damnit it's such a fucking frustrating dream and I don't even know if it works or if I'm going to have more dreams about the stupid labyrinth of mists and mirrors and echoes and him giving up or me opening my eyes losing faith and us still being stuck there OR if it somehow works and we're able to actually find each other reach out hold each other after using the pull of the bond to find the way through when we just ignore the normal sensory guides that the labyrinth was making such a confusion from... I feel so unsatisfied by these dreams.... And they just upset me. Such a stupid and frustrating labyrinth and wtf are we even caught in it anyway?!

  

Anyway, here are the Astro Poets Horoscopes for this week, as you can see, once more the dialogue/dance between them continues:

"Week of 4/13 in Libra: Something exacting and wise. That’s what the landscape of air truly can be. You hold onto it. You let it in with love. Now let love in and expand. Heat and emotion are purple and kind."

"Week of 4/13 in Pisces: Beautiful and boundless. That’s the love people feel when they look at you. Blue like the sweet air of dreams. You are one. The sweetest song imaginable."

[Post Title: Lyrics to Arrow by The Head and The Heart]

 After a month, maybe month and a half, of having lost my polar bear bracelet (a gift from Cath Cath a few years ago; Kahlo ties the bracelet purchase to a gift for scientific research/conservation of endangered animals, I have an app to show the movements of the monitor on a polar bear in the Arctic named Ella, at least that's the sales pitch) BUT I found the bracelet today!!!! I had separated some of the laundry backlog I need to do with the intention I'd start in on it this morning once it was 9am and so not breaking condo noise regulations (although everyone else does it seems.) As well as sorting the laundry I needed to start in on, I climbed up to replace the light bulb in my walk in closet/hall to the master bathroom that has needed it for a few weeks -- I'm tall for a girl with extra long wingspan, but my ceilings are 8ft high and then the cathedral ceilings in the living room so even I need to climb on something to change lightbulbs throughout my living space and cleaning the fan/walls in the living room is always a bit of a nightmare.... Anyway, I was turning a hoodie back right side out before washing it and the bracelet flew out of the sleeve went flying to land in front of the washing machine door.  I'm very excited to have my bracelet back, my left wrist has felt VERY naked without it and I tried other bracelets didn't help, but the strange thing is the sleeve I found it in isn't the shirt I'd been wearing when it disappeared -- it was a hoodie I'd worn quite a while after the disappearance. Whatever personal imp borrowed my bracelet and returned it to me, I'm just happy to have it back! 

I had thought it lost for good and I didn't want to just buy another, though that was an option considered, because it wouldn't have been a gift or have the energy of me wearing it day in day out for several years now. I was really excited and happy when I found it at like 9 this morning!

Anyway. That was probably the most exciting part of my day since I spent it doing laundry and reading (mostly making more headway through the ancient Greeks/Romans of Dryden's translation of Plutarch's Parallel Lives (I'm still in Volume 1 which I started way back in August but I'm ALMOST ready to move on to volume 2), but also some Nostradamus quatrains/analyses and some Frank Herbert short stories from the giant omnibus of his short works that I'm slowly making my way through -- I actually found Pack Rat Planet even more illuminating as a way that obedience can be the fastest way to fix totalitarian takeover attempts to handle this moment/crisis in the US than the study of tyrants/generals/venal powerful men of antiquity; particularly if you are interested in my analysis of the bigger pieces in play regarding the tariffs game and geopolitical chess pieces that are the wildcard moving parts happening right now from outside the Project 2025 playbook -- it's more than the venal money making stock manipulation or the "Putin's puppet" theory but it's not an analysis I want to put online right now so you have to discuss it in person with me because *gestures broadly at the world and AI over reach and the risks of being disappeared right now for being too smart/outspoken/clear-sighted*) and drinking tea (I took a break for coffee and a bowl of plain Greek yogurt with Nutella and maple syrup because I'm out of peanut butter right now) and doing light chores because I haven't done any Spring cleaning yet and everything is rather a mess around here because my March and early April was ridiculously busy. And the price of living by yourself independently with only fur babies and plants as companions is that you're the only one to do the fucking chores. And no matter how many gifts you have or your personal brownies that help keep things cleaner than they have any right to be when you're just not doing it yourself, the cleaning and the laundry piles up on you when you don't invest the time to take care of it.... Annoying but true even when you live a much more magical life than mundane folk. It could be a worse mess than it is, but it's messy enough I'd feel self conscious bringing anyone home to it right now. 

And now, I'm at work and everyone but me and Miss Waffles has had their drinks and left for the evening, and I am getting my last hours in for the week (about 5h 11m, which based on when I punched in means exactly 11p -- and I won't get another 4h in tonight beyond that and still be back here by 10a; so unless I lose track of time, I should be home before midnight.) Probably good I won't be staying too late because tomorrow I need to meet at work for Ross (with Viv because it's his weekend) to help take the work decals off the Prius for us. 

Speaking of the full moon! I think I've mentioned before how much I like Juliana McCarthy's explanations of astrological archetypes and placements (especially looking for the best and brightest we want to create while grounded in the realism of what is right now) and I really like what she had to say about this full moon tomorrow evening and the energies building into i and the fullness of what we can claim from it and the seeds we sowed under the eclipse new moon.

"A Libra Full Moon arrives on Saturday—the first lunation after eclipse season. This closes the portal of upheaval that we’ve been moving through since March. What’s been stirred, broken open, or revealed over these past weeks now lands in our bodies, hearts, and relationships. This is a Venus-ruled Moon, and Venus herself is stationing direct at this exact moment. Hovering beside Saturn in Pisces, she asks us to decide—What will we commit to? What matters enough to stay and work through the hard parts?

We aren’t escaping into elusive romanticism. This Full Moon illuminates the distance between us—the fractures, old stories, and quiet places of resentment or longing. Directly across the sky, the Aries Sun conjuncts Chiron, the Wounded Healer, triggering the raw tenderness of intimacy. We are at a threshold. It's time to acknowledge that real love requires work. This isn’t the moment to flee when it hurts, but to stay present and take responsibility. We’re repairing what can be repaired—and releasing what cannot.

This is also a Full Moon of justice, accountability, and truth. Libra’s scales are balancing not only our relationships, but our values and the structures of our lives—money, time, and resources. We are getting clear on what’s sustainable, especially in the midst of rising collective strain."

And something in that just thudded truth into my heart -- THIS is exactly what I've been questioning and struggling with trying to figure out for myself these last few weeks since the Aries New Moon blood eclipse. It felt like those words helped me zoom out be a bit more objective gave me a lens to help focus on what I've been wrestling with to see it understand it from a bigger/clearer perspective than while deep in the throes and subjective feels of questioning it over the last week or so. 

I plan to come back to those paragraphs about it and to think on them how they apply to the ways I've been feeling/reacting over the last week or two and let them sink in to ripple in me like a rock dropped in still water.  I feel like there are more ripples like sound wave propagation for me to better understand myself and the way things ARE in this moment of space/time right now if I sit with those words/ideas and how they encapsulate the energies pushing/pulling on everything. 

I tend to think there's always a balance of "what's me" "what's the other person" "what's third party interference" and "what are bigger dynamics in the wider framework that are reshaping energies like gravity waves" in trying to understand any set of emotions/reactions/interactions. (not so much interactions right now though -- if anything the last day or so when he HAS reached me down the bond (and is strongest across the predawn and sunrise hours) it's just been love and reassurance, the energy quality in the love is most like the soothing/calming of a horse that's spooked that you don't want to take off from whatever spooked it, if I'm willing to be a bit wryly honest about myself and the way I was reacting within the Gemini/Cancer/Leo moon time.) You can analysis paralysis TOO long because everything is always changing moment to moment, Heraclitus and the river y'know, but I do always find it useful to take a step back look at those four factors figure out what's in play and dominating things at any given moments so you can best figure out what's most beneficial for healthy growth patterns moving forward from here/now. 

Alex Myles also had a really resonating truth filled post about this Libra full moon, but it's WAY too long for me to share it all here and there isn't an easy except because it's all of it resonating within me and culminating/explaining what I've been feeling recently. You can look her up yourself on socials -- she gets reshared a lot without proper citation anyway so you may have even already seen it not realized it was from Alex.

 Anyway, I am going to listen to some podcasts and get some inputting done and enjoy my coffee and peanut butter cup milkshake from Mooyah that Karissa so kindly picked up this afternoon for me and other co-workers when she went there for lunch and was a happy surprise when I came into the office! Look, I'm a grown ass adult woman left to her own devices with unmedicated ADHD whose name means "G-d is my only judge" and who lives by herself with a dog and a cat and plants -- if I decide my dinner on a Friday night is gonna be a cuppa black tea and a coffee peanut butter cup milkshake, who are you to tell me I'm wrong?

 Ok, so I got the email with a new revised pay stub to look over from the clerk's office this morning after sending them the correction about the pm vs am last night, so that's taken care of. There's just a big difference between 8 hours versus 20 hours worth of work for their books AND since I do it paid not volunteering my time, at $16.50/hr that 12 hour difference in my shift adds up to quite a bit of a difference in my check... Also, they need to make sure they have all the hours properly done for their own internal cross checks and bureaucratic paperwork.

Also, things are now moving forward with the car. Ross is bringing Viv with him coming to meet us at my work to remove the decals from the Prius at like 10:30 on Saturday. (Ross is my cousin Sabra's ex-husband who details cars; Vivian is Sabra & Ross's daughter with shared custody.)  I need to reach out to my insurance agent about switching my insurance from the Scion to the Prius and find out what the difference is and when to activate that or do the hand off for insurance and the title and also the transfer of the plates needs to be done. Just need to figure out the timing and process for the moving parts, lol.  And 10:30 is definitely more than early enough he can finish the job before I'll be heading over to Stoughton for dinner (probably either Viking Brew Pub or Wendigo) before the 7:30p show at Stoughton Opera house to see Della Mae. Also, haven't tried Dairyland Desserts yet (didn't even know they were a thing) but they look/sound delightful and I very much want to try pretty much everything AND they say they're open after the show and Google hours say until 11pm. (Stoughton Opera House shows tend to be early and end early -- the ghosties in the old building don't like it when the shows go too late so all shows their end at 10pm, lol. But as long as you don't mind the ghosts, the acoustics are INCREDIBLE in that space, especially for artists who sound amazing like to do a song or two a capella.) 

I took care of getting the written up form of all the APT dates (and who owes what to whom) AND I took care of the concert tickets I needed to pickup to help equalize between Crissy and me ticket purchases (outside of Irishfest season related spending.) It's like the moon was in Virgo or something... (I am the most productive with getting done my have tos weighing on my conscience during moons in Virgo, Capricorn, Scorpio, and Taurus.)

Everybody talks about Cancer placements being the great influence of the moon, but more should be said about the sister sign Capricorn across the zodiac finding the moon influencing their emotional world -- because I find with my moon in Capricorn I generally have a higher capacity than most people to set aside emotions to look at situations logically and in moments of crisis to triage what needs to get done then do it calmly and efficiently but in non crisis triage mode, my ability to act upon emotions and how the emotional forces swing me in my decision/activity is HIGHLY influenced by what sign the moon is. Not the phase of the moon, but the SIGN the moon is traversing.... I suppose maybe it's not just my Cap moon, it could be that I'm slightly more water and mutable dominant in my birth chart balance with my Scorpio stellium, Pisces ascendant, and Sag stellium (increasing the mutable to outweigh the cardinal AND it puts my Mars exactly conjunct my Neptune in Sag in the degrees of the galactic center right within a conjunction orb of my midheaven, which definitely binds my active motive force to both my own intuition/emotions AND the flowy watery oceanic sea of dreams) and so just all my emotions to guide my impulses/drives are dominated by tidal pulls because it's all oceanic within me when dealing with emotions inside me.   (Also, I've noticed about myself these last years of everything being so fucked up between us that I get very curious about my options then overthinking defensive and then very defiant about "why shouldn't I do something else that brings my heart joy?" whenever dealing with the moon in Gemini then Moon in Cancer then Moon in Leo. Which was the part of last week and this weekend I was the most fractious and fighting "well damnit this isn't changing and I've been waiting so long seeing nothing but blocks and third party interference fucking it up further and so maybe I SHOULD be considering and focusing my attention elsewhere..." But it's something a bit deeper in my inner currents than the flightiness that sound, so I wanted to explain for you what's going on inside me when this happens... it's like the moon in Gemini moves me out of the deep abiding patient love within me (Moon in Pisces, Moon in Libra, and Moon in Taurus is always when the unshakeable nature of the love inside me for Eric is at the peaks of their power/intensity to drown out any and everything else -- moon in Cancer, moon in Scorpio are when they are at their lowest ebb I question/reject the most strongly and I'm most likely to turn inward shut him out try to give him up let him go; usually in Cancer for selfish protective reasons usually in Scorpio for what I get to believing is his best interests) and for those 2.5 days it gets me thinking about the what ifs and other possibilities questioning myself what I want but never giving me answers and then the moment the moon moves into Cancer I feel inside me the deep abiding but most of the time buried hurting over the way it's all happened and how long it's taking and the fucking mess that was made over what should have been so easy... And that hurt in me just demands reassuring like a frightened mourning child, it just needs to hear, "Past is past but it's okay now, it will be good again because we will make it good." And when that reassurance doesn't happen to calm me into a healing modality, the hurting just gets felt deeper and deeper until something in me cracks open and a self protectiveness wakes up inside me says "enough! This doesn't get better unless I make it better -- I must build a callus into a shell over this so we can't keep being hurt this deeply by it." And it's from that the over thinking defensiveness builds that makes me doubt and pull away into myself to detach so I can make me let go to loon elsewhere. Long before there's the pride and defiance of moon in Leo telling me I can't be wrong in seeking whoever or whatever I choose to facilitate the healing of my heart so I can shine brightest, there's that transformational process shift inside me when the moon is in Cancer that converts the what ifs into the way I should be making a lateral move to protect me from being hurt again.... And, sometimes, as the moon is in Virgo moving back toward Libra, there's something in me questions and wonders, "but how would this pattern shift if you got that reassurance right when you were feeling the most vulnerable hurting and needed it? What then would you do in the 2.5 days of the Cancer moon and where would you seek to find your pride and shining joy for the 2.5 days of the Leo moon?" I can't answer that, it hasn't happened...but I would like to believe it could make all the difference in breaking out of the old cycles to build something new.)

 So no have tos (other than work and insurance related) the rest of this week until Sat meeting with Ross & Viv then heading to Stoughton for the Della Mae show and then on Sun is brunch followed by symphony. And then next week/weekend I have absolutely nothing in my calendar (other than work hour and the condo association replacing the carpet downstairs and on the stairs/landings next Mon/Tues which is going to mean off gassing which will mean me dealing with the migraines/light headedness for a while again but is what it is...) AND then the week after that nothing but work and checking on Henry a couple days at the start of the week until tickets for Black Violin on Apr 25 and Penny & Sparrow on Apr 26.

The car situation is my biggest have to still and that is mostly sorted and in the forward moving process which is what matters. it will be nice to have it done and have it be mine (and then I can have passengers other than my dog and coworkers which means I can go back to driving for shows and such.) Well, I desperately need to be home in daytime hours and not sleeping long enough to do laundry -- I pretty desperately have to do laundry since it's been a while. 

Also, I really didn't have much time for reading in March and first part of April, so unless I read a LOT in the coming weeks, that book list is so sparse I might just wait a bit longer before sharing. (I also haven't really required any new to me books across these months. Which is a little crazy, but I've been so busy with all the shows and travel for them that I haven't gone book shopping at all and the little libraries I have browsed have all disappointed me...) OR, I could look at this as a challenge and see how many pages I can read between now and May to get that page count up to something a bit less embarrassing for me, lol. AND, not only would it be fun for me, it would keep me at home with my nose in my books not stirring the pot seeking trouble because I'm getting fractious over how long I've been single now and not seeing movement forward so thinking I should go start something new make it manifest just to see how it might unfold.

 

 But the real reason I started this is because I didn't share this week's Astro Poets yet between the last couple posts so I figured I should before they start stacking up on me again. It's a very bright set for all the signs for this week tbh but here's just the two I've been sharing across their more than a year long dialogue and dance together.

"Week of 4/6 in Libra: You realize what is full of harmony now. It’s not just the space or conversation. It’s also you. Fill the surrounding music with more music. Know that beauty is everything that remains in the absence of itself."

"Week of 4/6 in Pisces: There’s so much that you have done. And yet it can’t be exactly what you most want. So you see into the future of things. The light on the stark cups. Drink from the love of the light."

 Went to see Skerryvore again tonight (Viroqua, whiskey Sessions in Madison, and then the Madison show) because even though it sold out before we remembered to pickup tickets, when Keito (who works merch for the guys when they're nearby) said to me after Whiskey Sessions while we were just all talking and drinking at the bar, "See you tomorrow?" and I explained about failing to buy tickets, she grabbed martin and pulled him aside told him (while Crissy was talking to Craig), "These lovely ladies didn't pick up their tickets for tomorrow before they sold out" and before she could get any further, Martin just pulled out his phone and opened up to their guest list started putting my name in then with a wink at me handed his phone to Keito said, "Ere, make sure to get their names right, I've had too much whisky to trust me."  They're allowed up to 10 people on the guestlist and we were only the 3rd/4th on it so I didn't feel bad at all for it, if anything I'm glad that it meant two other people were able to go and buy tickets for it since they didn't have the means to get on the guestlist. Martin gave me some shit about it afterward though that I hadn't brought it up or asked because he'd be putting me on the guestlist any time if I just asked. But then he whispered in my ear, "Just don't tell everyone too loud, we can't guest list all oru favorites." Then after he got pulled away by someone else wanting to talk to him, back in the conversation with Craig, Crissy started telling him we weren't going to see them tomorrow after he brought it up and so he started looking around for Martin as I just leaned in said, "No no. That's been sorted. We'll see you tomorrow Craig." And at that both Craig and Martin who had came back just in time to hear that part both started laughing and I got another bonus Martin hug for it.  (Martin is one of the small handful of people who can come right up near me and not register in my space bubble that they're there that close to me. Curiously enough, everyone in my life who has ever been able to get into my space bubble without me noticing or registering their presence are all Pisces sun babies, lol.) I do adore Martin, even though in the past he can be a bit of a man-whore just because he's hot and well muscled though never crossed that line fluffed his kilt with me (both he and his brother and his band mates have all said, same as many others I've known in the Celtic music communities, that they don't consider me groupie material they consider me friend who you would only date if ready to take home to mam), but his Scottish accent is pretty thick (thicker than his brothers) so sometimes he gets self-conscious talking to me and we coexist but let other people talk unless he's been drinking enough for his over thinking to erode but not so much he starts extra slurring throwing in thick Scots Gallic phrases, lol. Which is honestly just part of Martin's charm, lol. Also, he's probably the only man I can think of who I'm sexually attracted to even though he's not taller than me -- he's just that hot, lol. But it's also probably part of my intimidating him when he wants to talk. 

Don't worry, you don't have to consider Martin in my collection of guys who I'd say yes to if they asked -- pretty sure he and Cèline are still together and he stopped being a man whore when they started dating seems very serious about her since they met. But that didn't stop me from writing a version of him into one of my novels because he's just so lovable.

But was very grateful for being guestlisted and having the Skerryvore show tonight!! it's their 20th year together as a band (15th year in the US, first gigs in WI) and it's just lovely to still have them in my life as a regular I can look forward to year upon year. Hopefully us politics will allow them to still come in Aug as planned for me to see them again!

Also from tonight: At dinner, Crissy and I were talking about shows and she picked up tickets for Arcadian wild at Vivarium on May 2 AND Cassie & Maggie in La Cross on May 4 and didn't double check against a calendar that we already have Madison Opera tickets for Don Giovanni on May 4 that Denis picked up and it only runs may 2 & May 4 (unsure why it isn't May 3, but so it is.) I noticed it when putting in my calendar after the show and chatting/drinking and Crissy heading home to bed. Whoops! That's a future me problem to untangle... I texted Crissy about it, don't expect to hear from her til later tomorrow (today now.)  I also texted her about the potential future Skerryvore gigs in the calendar (other than August fest season) but I'm not ready to ticket level commit I don't think right now because who the hell knows if 47 and his regime will even still be letting my Irish and Scottish music friends in on work visas by then?!?! I mean, not only did Cassie & Maggie (from Nova Scotia) have the traffic stop in Ohio that was so weird earlier this year made them feel unsafe, but on their way back into the states for this tour opening for Skerryvore then on their own a bit later, Cassie had her rosin for her bow confiscated at the border and was interrogated about it and they made her clean her fiddle because it can become a white dust as you bow after applying the rosin... They didn't test the rosin or even have a drug dog sniff it, they just harassed her and took it away and made it a problem. I only learned about this at the Viroqua show, but like, while talking to Craig (a fiddle player) tonight and in talking with other fiddle players I know, none of them have ever heard of anything like that happening before about rosin in their fiddle cases being confiscated and causing interrogation.... She could buy more rosin once across the border and can just throw away the unused and make sure she cleans the rosin dust off her fiddle -- but that's the level of harassment Canadians are now dealing with even when they are female and very white traveling as musicians. Poor girls....

Also also. Got the email from poll working, clerk's office fucked up and put down for 6am-2:15pm instead of 6am-2:15am.... Big difference between getting paid for 8 hours of work versus 20.... I email them back even though it was like midnight by the time I saw it because they need to be emailed back by April 16 to get it fixed if they messed up your hours/payroll. But yeah... FFS.... Hopefully they fix that.

 Still waiting for the check from the insurance company to clear before moving forward on my car situation. But it's driving well for me and not an issue and so I'm going to tell my mum she should have Ross look at next week (when it warms up again a touch) about removing the decals so we can move forward with the money and title exchanging hands. I also still need to email my insurance agent about switching my insurance from the Scion (now totalled) to the Prius, but I was going to wait until after my payment on the 20 (unless we have me outright by the Prius before then) because the Scion insurance was much cheaper than on the black Prius, lol. On verra. 

Also. How is it this late?! Eh feck. Time to head home!

P. S. Not sure how, but Diarmaid looks particularly hot in his most recent video update for Onoir, even for him. Like DAMN!!! 

Out of the grey, into the woods, I take my chances, I know I should. When the light comes, listen closely, Follow my shadow to the old me. Mother of the moon, tell me what to do. Shit is scary, shit is new. The tide is calling out for changes. Oh, what an ocean of time that we wasted. I was waiting for the let go. I swore I wouldn't 'til you said so. I put the pieces back together, So thank you or whatever, Nothing lasts forever, man, I guess so. Waiting for the let go. Waiting for the let go. I had to pay for all of your bad behavior, But expensive lessons are always the best to know. I'm not waiting for the let go. Don't need any of your say so, I put the pieces back together, So thank you or whatever, Nothing lasts forever, man, I guess so. Waiting for the let go. Waiting for the let go

 Since about last Weds I've been feeling the need to accept that Eric doesn't want me, doesn't care about me, is interested in someone else and I'm an idiot repeating patterns in my own head with no relation to reality. And I can't tell if it's just because I have been so exhausted from too much overworking myself last week and then the hypoxia after the local anesthetics and a packed weekend that I'm feeling too tired to invest my energy where I'm seeing no tangible returns or if it's a stoic ruthlessness in me brought on by the state of the US (and the world) geopolitics telling myself it's time to put aside childish fantasies focus on what's real or if it's intuitive knowing because of choices he has made found interest elsewhere for himself or if it's a result of nearing the point both Mercury and Venus go direct so getting honest with myself over lack of communication or any signs of emotional reciprocity but I've been feeling this way for the last week or so if I'm honest and I've been feeling it more and more as time has moved forward. 

Am I right thinking about it? Hell if I know.... But I haven't been able to shake it and instead it's been continuously growing stronger in me all of this last week that I'm feeling like I should be allowing the universe to show me other opportunities and good matches for me to consider and that I shouldn't say no holding out a candle for someone whose past choices and all I know of his present ones tell me unequivocally he doesn't give a damn about me and he can't even be bothered to respond or to try to make things right when I the past I raised my very serious concerns surrounding the choices made in his name as part of the choices made in the bands name. If nothing shifts this, I'd say yes to anyone I can't see the end before the beginning that I'm attracted to because at least it would be something new I've not repeated before.... And since I started thinking this way, it's had me missing Diarmaid extra fiercely -- I know he's busy and happy back home for him in Ireland with all the sold out shows... But I miss him and not just because I'm tired of being single and I'm tired of holding a candle so long for someone whose past actions/choices should have made it perfectly clear to me he's never given a damn about me or wanted me or cared about me or my emotions.  Because seriously, he can't even be bothered to care enough to have responded about me being blocked in his name from his band or try to communicate and heal how that happened or at least explain it to me so it makes any sort of sense beyond the truth as far as I can see it that back in 2018 the girls were being defensive bitches on a power trip leading them to engage in female bullying via ostracism behaviors and their egos/pride are such that they have continued to refuse to admit they ever could have done any wrong so what is there to make right? I mean, what other conclusions am I supposed to have drawn from their behaviors?

I dunno. I'm not gonna think about it now. If I do I'll just go in circles but not get anywhere concrete or tangible to act on. So I'm pushing all thoughts of him and the bond away not going to worry my pretty little head about it -- because if it's his choice to look elsewhere then I will just let go and this time make my choices so he can't get back in for me to relent again without anything concrete actually changing.....

So instead, I'm gonna drink my chamomile tea and read for a bit then bedtime because I haven't slept as much as I should have recently.  And then tonight I'm looking forward to whiskeys paired with acoustic sets of songs from Skerryvore and getting to see JJ and Keito again as well as all the Skerry lads (and always Martin for eye candy... Hottest bagpiper I've ever known, and not just because he's a blond Pisces, lol.)

I'll share the astro poets that came in this morning another time, I'm not feeling it right now even though they are both lovely horoscopes. Maybe some other time. Or maybe not if I forget or continue in the headspace of not feeling I want to because what does it matter anyway to anyone but me and I can reread them any time I want in my inbox?

Blech. I need to drink this tea get some sleep, maybe I'll feel differently once I rest get caught up a bit more on sleep, y'know? 

P. S. The flooding across the southeast (esp Kentucky, Ohio, Tennessee, Arkansas) is horrific and it has gotten so little coverage... And with both recent NOAA cuts (I have never in my life heard of this number of tornado and severe storms all accumulating in the first week of April like this) and the FEMA cuts, people are going to die so unnecessarily.... Especially, did you read about how the contract had ended for the national weather alerts to be translated and so moving forward the warnings will only be transmitted in English?! Seriously, people are going to die horrible and unnecessary deaths. Before the potential for cholera and dysentery from contaminated drinking water following the floods -- and we all know how gutted HHS and CDC are now.... For fucking fucks sake, the inhumanity of these choices is astounding and brutal and tragic .... Living in America right now is fucking heartbreaking and disheartening watching innocents suffer for power hungry venality and sheer ignorant stupidity and criminal incompetence....

[post title: lyrics to the Elle King song Let Go]

 Update: even after a lot of sleep, I was still too dizzy and light headed to go to the protests by noon and wasn't even able to trust me not to pass out in the shower til nearly 2ish. I definitely feel heavy limbed anemic today (which I did not prior to the two days of dental work fillings) and even just the first sips of coffee made me feel like falling back asleep sitting in the chair and I feel very heavy weighted anemic now. 

I'm not particularly blue colored (for me) and no longer have mild cyanosis at some of my fingertips that I had briefly last night. 

That said, I've struggled intermittently since about the 5th grade with anemia difficulties while my iron levels are high and no doctor ever figured out why AND my skin/veins have always been close to the surface much more blue than most people (even more than anyone else in my family.) I've noticed that raw onions can make it worse so I assumed it was like with animals that lack the enzymes to break down the amino acid that lysis hemoglobin, because that makes my non iron related anemia worse... But when I read the list of known problems for acquired methemoglobinemia, it does fit. I mean, I don't use any drugs recreationally except caffeine and alcohol (not even pot, the only effect I get from THC is not any fun ones or any anxiety/pain reduction but only that it makes me starving and no amount of food I consume turns off the hunger mechanism -- I will eat until I throw up and then still feel hungry. For 12-36 HOURS depending on the strain. So for me, pot isn't fun, but I don't care if other people take it and many people are more receptive with their gifts to me beaming thoughts at them when they're high on it.) I get really light headed dizzy anemia and more blue toned from exposure to pesticides, including walking the dog by lawns recently sprayed. I don't eat cured meats or foods with nitrites/nitrates very often, but when I do they make me very tired and my anemia is worse afterward but with my pork allergy I just don't consider them safe from cross contamination at the slicer so I rarely eat them and don't really like them never have even before the carcinogen risk research.  I react badly to most of the local anesthetics that can trigger methemoglobinemia because they don't provide pain relief instead burn down my nerves. So I've already been avoiding the triggers that would tell me definitively if I have this rare thing where your body produces methemoglobin that can't carry oxygen instead of regular hemoglobin and certain triggers make that worse... 

I've never been tested for methemoglobinemia, even when I have been in for hypoxia related issues, by any of my doctors trying to figure out my exhaustion/migraine/fainting issues. We've found my iron and RBC levels fine but my oxygen carrying RBC low in the past.... I know more about what isn't wrong with me than what is when this happens tbh. Which left me very cynical about modern diagnostic practices because there is clearly something wrong when an otherwise healthy senior in college is sleeping for 18 or more hours out of 24 for over a month on her winter break and is still exhausted anemia without a source and plenty of iron in her blood.... 

But what good would a diagnosis do me really? I would know if it was congenital vs acquired (and clearly it's worsened by the triggers for acquired) and thus if trying methylene blue as first line of dealing with a severe case (where I would be in an urgent care or hospital setting anyway) would be effective. If that isn't available or doesn't work, you treat with ascorbic acid, then vitamin B2/B5 treatment both of which provide the body the building blocks to convert methemaglobin back to hemoglobin that carries oxygen, then if those are unavailable or unsuccessful, either a hemoglobin or full blood transfusion if still in need of care. Basically my self care is to avoid triggers and to have some vitamin c and B vitamins see if it helps with the hypoxia/anemia symptoms and everything beyond that requires medical intervention.

And honestly, I have always mostly self medicated with liquor now I think of it -- if you've ever seen me with a whiskey ginger, I always ask for it with a lime (and bitters if they have it) and eat the lime. I will also eat the lemons/limes from other people's drinks if offered them but only while drinking hard liquor not if I'm just having water/tea and citrus fruits are provided/available. And I have never had any hypoxia issues with hard liquors when I eat the limes and citrus fruit take in vitamin C at the same time -- I've only ever had issues with drinking excess hard liquor and getting to a point of hypoxia even with a low bac and not showing any central nervous or cognitive signs of the impairments of alcohol poisoning (other than vomiting which happens with hypoxia of all causes) when I've not had citrus with my alcohol drinking. 

At some point I should be tested, but why? It's rather like the Ehlers Danlos and redhead gene and my intermittent syncope spells and occasional migraines, there's only medical interventions for managing symptoms/consequences in a major fuckup of circumstances and preventative advice but nothing I could take regularly to do anything about it. And with the health care system as it is and the current regime gutting all consumer protections and medical funding, fuck if I need any pre existing conditions of any sort diagnosed now....

It's just a good thing for me to know and/or maybe a good idea for me to start carrying around those vitamin C chewable supplements/candies/powders for drinks for if/when I'm feeling anemic exhausted and or turning extra blue toned pale even for me. It's a water soluble vitamin, so it would take an absurdly large dose of vitamin C to cause health complications.

Anyway. Skerryvore show in Viroqua was incredible!!! I have missed those Scottish lads more than I realize until I see them again! Twas delightful seeing so many friends and acquaintances in both of the two bands and their merch people (Keito and JJ, both long time friends), and fellow audience members!! Now bedtime -- Crissy is picking me up 8:15ish (which is way too soon) with a Starbucks order for us then off to pick up Mikaela in Oregon (told her mom our goal is 8:30-8:45 for her to be ready will text when leaving my place and will take her to get coffee at the indie coffeeshop in Oregon M likes) and then to Milwaukee for Art in Bloom where our entry time starts at 10am. And I intentionally worked it out with my mum they should expect to keep my dog overnight rather than give Waffles the option of a late night pickup for an early morning drop off and take extra time out of wind down sleep hours, lol. I will pick up Ms O'Whoofigans when back in Madison after the art exhibit.