I don't actually have much to say right now, just realized it had been a while since I last wrote here. That wasn't any sort of intentional, I just didn't have anything inside me I needed to write out to see more clearly and then time blindness and so here we are and it's been a week since my last post and I guess I did leave things in a weird spot, but internally I've been sitting more in, "what he chooses for himself is up to him and I'm just going to focus on loving what and who is in my life not desiring for anyone who isn't choosing to be" headspace of acceptance of whatever the isness of right now is. More than any sort of emotions about things, what I feel is acceptance, to accept what IS and not lie to myself or accept some fantasy version that isn't based on truth. The greatest desire in me building since the weekend until sitting steady in me this week isn't a fickle or changeable desire for whether I should be holding on or for letting go, it's a desire to know truth to accept it for what it IS. Even if that isness to be accepted is the isness of distance and distractions and the indifference that is a lack of desire to bridge that. I'm past a point of letting my own desires sway me and I think I'm past a point of his desires to sway me if those desires are not strong enough to affect his actions/choices, all I care about at this point is understanding and accepting the truth for what is. And so I'm trying to see that clearly and to sit in non action until I can see the isness of things. To accept the isness of this moment and people's choices (past, present, and future) and the truths of their nature that brought them to such choices. I don't desire a pretty illusion, I desire to know truth and accept it's isness in this moment. And that's the stillness I've been sitting in regarding things, the still point fulcrum of a desire to know truth and accept it as it is rather than how I might want (or not want) it to be -- and so I've been working on sitting in the open handed tranquility of neither holding on nor throwing away, just keeping my palm open to see what the isness of his choices and his truth are when he's free to choose whatever he desires for himself -- and to accept what I learn from that regarding how he touches my life, if his desires touch my path at all. 

If I continue to have little or nothing to say here, there's a non zero possibility of me just setting it all to private and ceasing to write here until I have something feels worth sharing in word form here again. I haven't made up my mind to it, but I've been considering it across the last moon cycle. If all I have to share here is banal or an ought to or sharing from a substack email list parts of the free posts anyone could sign up for, why waste the time/energy of myself and others on it? On verra. I've not made any decisions yet. As I said, I'm sitting in the place of accepting isness and trying to see the truth of what is before I take any action, but I am considering setting this private going silent here until I have something I feel worth the time/energy or that requires of me I put it into word form to see it clearly.

Ross DID come on Saturday to take the decals off the Prius. It was a bit of an all day endeavor due to side quests and him needing to talk about some things going on in his life, but he did finish by the end of daylight and it looks great! So now I just need to write the check and sign over the title and take it to the DMV and switch over the plates and switch my insurance coverage and it's all done. And all of it just requires me feeling well enough during daytime hours to do these things.  Technically, only the DMV and conversation with my insurance agent have to be done during the daylight hours -- the signing over of the title and me writing a check could be done at absolutely any hour my mum and I decide to do it, lol. I probably ought to drive the Prius a bit on highway just to test it, since I haven't yet, but I don't expect any problems. It was mostly verifying it DOES hold its charge as long as it's being driven fairly regularly and isn't showing any signs of a slow trickle battery issue before it was sold to me for keeps. Just to be sure.

As to why I've not taken care of the last steps yet, I've been feeling pretty unwell physically this last week because of the carpet replacement on the first floor and stairs/landings last week are still fairly freshly off gassing (though not as strongly chemical off gassing as at Crissy's which were replaced over a month ago and remains worse than it ever was at my place for this carpet replacement.) The worst is coming and going, I'm wearing a kn95 again every time I enter and leave my condo go through the common areas -- and even with that to help, the chemicals still prick and burn my eyeballs whether I wear my contacts or glasses. technically, you shouldn't wear contacts around any form of off gassing because the soft plastic absorbs the chemicals and then you put them in direct contact with your eyeballs -- so like in all my college chem labs, was required to wear glasses under the protective goggles never contacts but I figure it's such short duration through the halls and I still don't like driving where I need to change lanes wearing my glasses because of the blurriness it causes in my peripheral vision compared to when I'm wearing my contacts. Anyway, even masked the off gassing causes my eyes to burn and prick and water in the hallways but the mask helps with the migraine issues or any light headedness while I'm traversing the stairs.  I don't have as much issue with the offgassing in my unit since they replaced my hallway carpet more recently and now matched downstairs and the landing to ours -- so only the small amount of the off gassing that comes under the fire door and then through my own door reaches me (AND I have air purifiers on in the living room and bedroom) BUT every time anyone opens the fire door from my floor (and especially if they leave it propped open to bring in anything) I get instant migraines from the whoosh of the chemicals coming through the opened door if I'm in the living room at that point. Not my favorite, but it could be worse as long as it's a quick open close, it's pretty bad though if the fire door is propped open by anyone carrying stuff in.. That gets me a longer term migraine light headed syncope problem that only rest will improve.  AND because right now it's the season where so many people spray their lawns with chemical pesticides/herbicides and that always makes me ill. (if I just walk nearby somewhere that's been sprayed or even driving past with the windows down, I can taste the chemicals in the back of my mouth (for longer than the warnings to keep animals and children off for a week unless it rains heavily in that week) and when I've been out walking the dog while companies are actively spraying, not only can I taste it but even if I'm walking on  the other side of the street and upwind, the chemicals on the air are enough to give me instant migraine and make me start to black out with a syncope spell and my skin turns super pale blue-ish and even though I can't see anything because I'm starting to black out I make me keep walking because passing out that close to the chemicals causing the problem would be worse than trying to push through and keep going even though I can't see anything and I know from past experience I'm in the first stage of passing out in a syncope spell.) So it's not my favorite and I've not been taking the dog for walks, even though the weather has been beautiful now when not raining, simply because of the spraying chemicals on lawns throughout the neighborhood and how badly my system reacts to ti. They've also been replacing the gutters/downspouts on the building this week but other than being noisy up above, I don't think it's really got anything involved that would cause me off gassing related issues AND tomorrow (today now?) a company is coming in for dryer vent cleaning.

So I've not been doing much recently other than sleeping a lot due to migraine triggers and working and reading and was at my parents house last night for dinner and finishing up the dvred figure skating Nationals. 

Um, I don't think I really have much more to write atm, I'm sitting pretty comfortably in my own inner peace right now. Last few days have been pretty massive flows of love unexpectedly down the bond, not sure why just know is. And for whatever reason, there's been a lot of love coming down the bond, at the most unexpected surprise out of nowhere moments, all this week -- which has actually been very lovely and soothing especially given how much of the week I've been feeling physically not great due to the off gassing in the building and not even being able to have the windows/balcony door open for fresh air, except when it's raining, because of the chemicals from the spraying of the pesticide/herbicide.

 This weekend I have tickets for Black Violin on Fri night and then Sat night is the Penny & Sparrow show, which I'm very much looking forward to since it's been a little while since they toured near me. I think the last time was their show at Stoughton Opera House many years back, and they sounded amazing off mic in that space when the mics were acting up with gremlins in the wires. AND Saturday is Indie Book Store Day so I'm probably going to spend way too much money visiting indie bookstores that day but I haven't been to a bookstore in months and months so, ehrm, yeah. There's that. Dane County Farmer's Market is back around the square, so maybe I should Farmer's Market Sat morning and then go over to Lake City Books (newer bookstore, sells both new and used books, has a MASSIVE selection of fantasy and scifi type genres, and is right next to Bradbury's Coffee Shop (named for the scifi author, delicious coffee and has THE best crêpes, though I think right now their only savory one I can't eat because it has ham in it, unless they have specials I can eat) across the street from the Children's Museum off the square. Maybe that's how I ought to start my Indie Bookstore Day and Penny & Sparrow Concert Day... (Curiously, I actually always associate Penny & Sparrow with books because they wrote the song Gold based on reading Red Rising and that's what introduced me to that scifi series (which is AMAZING, and one of the few modern authors/series that my da enjoys since I bought it for him after I read it thanks to the Penny & Sparrow recommendation) and so that absolutely delights me since the tour announcement that their Madison concert date coincides with Indie Bookstore Day! Like that just is one of those perfect happy synchronicities that I adore finding in life. Oooh, I should double check if I picked up Light Bringer yet for me (and check if my da has it) because I'm pretty sure it was still only in hardcover the last time I was looking at it except while I was traveling and I didn't see a point in buying it at an airport bookstore on my way flying out on a trip when I didn't have the others with me to read... But if I don't have it yet, that would be the perfect one to pickup on Saturday given it's the latest in the followup trilogy to Red Rising trilogy. I suppose that's only if I don't have it when I check at home tonight and if I find it in stock at any of the indie bookstores, lol. At home edit: looks like I still need Light Bringer. Although, Red God isn't due out until summer 2026 to complete the series and I will still have to wait for it in paperback so I may wait even longer before I binge reread the original trilogy and Iron Gold (start of the followup series) then Dark Age which I own haven't read yet and the one I haven't even bought yet! Otherwise I will binge re-read all six of the others before reading Red God, because that's how I am when it comes to series (be it book or television/film) that I want to immerse myself back into it before enjoying the newest one. Still feel like if I find Light Bringer on Indie Book Store Day that is also a Penny & Sparrow concert Day is the right day to pickup the ones I'm missing in the followup series that are available in paperback now... Because the world is the same as they wrote Gold about after all and it's thanks to that song I've read the books I have read and bought them for my da as soon as I started reading Red Rising knowing he would love it. If I don't find it on Indie Book Store Day, I will order from an indien bookstore two copies of Light Bringers for me and my da now it's in paperback and gift him his for Father's Day. Which means I will need to find something comparable for my maman for Mother's Day...)

Ehrm. That's actually it I think. Next week is pretty chill start of the week and then two Arcadian Wild shows on May 1 (Stoughton) & 2 (Milwaukee) and then Madison Opera's performance of Don Giovanni on May 4 (we decided not to even bring up the Cassie & Maggie show unless Denis cancels on us because we had told Denis we'd go with him to opera which he loves never has anyone to go with him to see if we don't and Crissy will eat the tickets cost because she was the one didn't have Don Giovanni in her calendar when she decided to pickup the tickets. And even if we left at intermission, we couldn't make it up to La Crosse by the start of the Cassie & Maggie show. Which sadly means missing both their nearby shows since their Milwaukee show is the same night as Penny & Sparrow show at the Majestic this Saturday. Is what it is, sometimes band schedules be like that -- at least I got to see them twice opening for Skerryvore, y'know? Also, thinking to go see Skerryvore at the Chicago Festival & Highland Games in June...I think just the Saturday though unless they're playing late enough on Friday I can drop my grandma off from her optometry appointment AND get down to the Chicago area fairgrounds before their set, lol. Which I could figure out if the entertainment schedule was up for the Highland Games but it wasn't last I checked.)  Then the next couple weeks have a couple shows every week until the 19 then nothing the rest of the month of May other than pet sitting (definitely Henry while Crissy is at DI Globals, maybe Sophie while my parents are out of town if they fly out west for their Spring Montana visit) and somewhen in May it will be the time for Spring plant shopping and planting once we're past the risks of late frosts AND the lows are above 50F (for my tomatoes and peppers, nightshades get stunted by cold if you put them outside before your lows stay above 45-50F depending on varietal) which isn't typically until mid to late May up here in the north.

 

Also.  Not gonna lie, I am really REALLY confused by this week's astro poets horoscopes and have been all week -- maybe you can make some sense of them but personally I definitely think they are a product of celebrating 4/20 WAY too hard to the point they couldn't even words or coherent syntax and didn't even get them out until the next day, lol. That said, despite the general "wtf are you trying to translate into English here?" of them, there's still a pattern of dialogue and reciprocal meaning between Libra and Pisces even though neither makes much coherent sense individually OR in dialogue with any of the others (which are all written in similar style but not like they're dancing together different views of the same story unfolding the way Libra and Pisces are and have been for well over a year now.)

 "Week of 4/20 in Libra: When you begin the midst of the sun you knew it. But that did not mean that illumination was necessary. Lit from the inside was something you knew. Let it flower among you. Let the dreams of hope begin again."

 "Week of 4/20 in Pisces: You went into the day and couldn’t believe. But that’s not because believing is everything. You do not need to go completely in. In fact you can’t. In fact right now the liminal spaces are true."