Since about last Weds I've been feeling the need to accept that Eric doesn't want me, doesn't care about me, is interested in someone else and I'm an idiot repeating patterns in my own head with no relation to reality. And I can't tell if it's just because I have been so exhausted from too much overworking myself last week and then the hypoxia after the local anesthetics and a packed weekend that I'm feeling too tired to invest my energy where I'm seeing no tangible returns or if it's a stoic ruthlessness in me brought on by the state of the US (and the world) geopolitics telling myself it's time to put aside childish fantasies focus on what's real or if it's intuitive knowing because of choices he has made found interest elsewhere for himself or if it's a result of nearing the point both Mercury and Venus go direct so getting honest with myself over lack of communication or any signs of emotional reciprocity but I've been feeling this way for the last week or so if I'm honest and I've been feeling it more and more as time has moved forward.
Am I right thinking about it? Hell if I know.... But I haven't been able to shake it and instead it's been continuously growing stronger in me all of this last week that I'm feeling like I should be allowing the universe to show me other opportunities and good matches for me to consider and that I shouldn't say no holding out a candle for someone whose past choices and all I know of his present ones tell me unequivocally he doesn't give a damn about me and he can't even be bothered to respond or to try to make things right when I the past I raised my very serious concerns surrounding the choices made in his name as part of the choices made in the bands name. If nothing shifts this, I'd say yes to anyone I can't see the end before the beginning that I'm attracted to because at least it would be something new I've not repeated before.... And since I started thinking this way, it's had me missing Diarmaid extra fiercely -- I know he's busy and happy back home for him in Ireland with all the sold out shows... But I miss him and not just because I'm tired of being single and I'm tired of holding a candle so long for someone whose past actions/choices should have made it perfectly clear to me he's never given a damn about me or wanted me or cared about me or my emotions. Because seriously, he can't even be bothered to care enough to have responded about me being blocked in his name from his band or try to communicate and heal how that happened or at least explain it to me so it makes any sort of sense beyond the truth as far as I can see it that back in 2018 the girls were being defensive bitches on a power trip leading them to engage in female bullying via ostracism behaviors and their egos/pride are such that they have continued to refuse to admit they ever could have done any wrong so what is there to make right? I mean, what other conclusions am I supposed to have drawn from their behaviors?
I dunno. I'm not gonna think about it now. If I do I'll just go in circles but not get anywhere concrete or tangible to act on. So I'm pushing all thoughts of him and the bond away not going to worry my pretty little head about it -- because if it's his choice to look elsewhere then I will just let go and this time make my choices so he can't get back in for me to relent again without anything concrete actually changing.....
So instead, I'm gonna drink my chamomile tea and read for a bit then bedtime because I haven't slept as much as I should have recently. And then tonight I'm looking forward to whiskeys paired with acoustic sets of songs from Skerryvore and getting to see JJ and Keito again as well as all the Skerry lads (and always Martin for eye candy... Hottest bagpiper I've ever known, and not just because he's a blond Pisces, lol.)
I'll share the astro poets that came in this morning another time, I'm not feeling it right now even though they are both lovely horoscopes. Maybe some other time. Or maybe not if I forget or continue in the headspace of not feeling I want to because what does it matter anyway to anyone but me and I can reread them any time I want in my inbox?
Blech. I need to drink this tea get some sleep, maybe I'll feel differently once I rest get caught up a bit more on sleep, y'know?
P. S. The flooding across the southeast (esp Kentucky, Ohio, Tennessee, Arkansas) is horrific and it has gotten so little coverage... And with both recent NOAA cuts (I have never in my life heard of this number of tornado and severe storms all accumulating in the first week of April like this) and the FEMA cuts, people are going to die so unnecessarily.... Especially, did you read about how the contract had ended for the national weather alerts to be translated and so moving forward the warnings will only be transmitted in English?! Seriously, people are going to die horrible and unnecessary deaths. Before the potential for cholera and dysentery from contaminated drinking water following the floods -- and we all know how gutted HHS and CDC are now.... For fucking fucks sake, the inhumanity of these choices is astounding and brutal and tragic .... Living in America right now is fucking heartbreaking and disheartening watching innocents suffer for power hungry venality and sheer ignorant stupidity and criminal incompetence....
[post title: lyrics to the Elle King song Let Go]
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