Back from seeing Black Violin with my parents (very amazing show) and then a late night dinner of delightful rounds of yakitori options from Izakaya Kuroyama (I keep forgetting that they have late night food until 2am whenever I'm struggling to figure out something I want late night post concerts. I got so used to so many places downtown considering "kitchen open until 10" to be late night in post covid Madison -- glad to see the restaurant scene is healing and more options are becoming available for later dinner. Post concerting dinner is a very important meal, especially if it was a very dancy show, lol)

Anyway, I'm now at work to pick up Miss Waffles O'Whoofigans but I don't need to get any more hours in for this week, already over 45 hours, so right now playing the "when can I turn off the Billy Joel" game. This is a very difficult game that I started when Billy Joel became the babysitting music for Audrey Pupburn because he was her favorite music (probably in large part because of how much I love his music, lol) and now Waffles O'Whoofigans prefers him over anything else I've tried with her whenever I have to leave the dog alone. or at least it is a hard game for me, because you have to either hit a song you don't love (and in my 268 songs of Billy Joel mix (some are repeats because on multiple albums because of the 4 disc best of boxed set and me owning most of his albums) there are VERY few songs that qualify as "eh, I could turn this one off mid song") OR you have to catch precisely the right moment BETWEEN songs to cleanly finish the one song BEFORE the next one gets far enough in for the "O I love this song!!" reaction which in my case is within the opening bars before most people have identified which song it is yet. Even just trying to leave is hard because like, today, when I put it on for her it randomized to If I Only Had the Words (To Tell You) which has been my absolute favorite weak in the knees song since I was in like the second grade -- so I obviously had to stay for that but then I had to try to leave while having the playlist going for her so I could get downtown look for parking and then walk over for the 7pm show, lol. That's even harder than the game to try to turn off the Billy Joel music, because turning off is a clean stop -- walking out means walking out while still hearing the next opening of a song....

 Anyway. This post will only be as long as the number of Billy Joel songs it takes for me to hit the right moment (or the right song) to turn off the Billy Joel mix. Judge me for that however you want, but it's my truth. One can't simply turn off the middle of a Billy Joel song, even if you can listen to it any time you damn well please. For example, right now the song is All About Soul. And just, I can't comprehend who could turn that off mid song... Whoever that is, it ain't me. Eventually I'll go home. Eventually.

So for tomorrow, I completely forgot that tomorrow is both Crazy legs (a Madison tradition the last Saturday in April, this is like the 43rd annual, it's an 8k run/bike with a 2k walk option) AND Mifflin Block Party (a campus drinking party) which means college town going to be hella college towning, lol. So not heading down for Farmer's Market, not even early, and then Lake City Books when they open because Crazy legs starting at 9:30 will means lots of blocked off streets. But that's okay because Lake City Books is really close to Majestic Theatre (they're both off the square though at different corners) and doesn't close til 6pm so we will head downtown and park for book shopping then dinner then the Penny & Sparrow concert. So instead of Farmer's Market and buying food (actual practical need to, lol) I'll be spending my day in various bookstores. 

I believe the plan is to drop off Waffles at my parents house for the day at 9ish then drive to Spring Green to hit Arcadia when they open at 10am. There's a non zero possibility if we're both ready early enough that Crissy and I will get in queue to head to Book Deal (mostly used books) for their 9am opening but last year, the queue was INSANE when we had driven past it to consider for Indie Book Store Day and just way too people-y. But if we are both up and have coffee and it's nice enough, we can queue up and browse and be done to head to Spring Green in plenty of time. Usually I associate Arcadia with stopping for book shopping before/after seeing plays at APT, but this last year we didn't have time for book shopping or couldn't get out of town to make it to Spring Green before Arcadia would close. And I miss it. Small store, wonderful curation but not one I expect to buy TOOO many titles, but you never know what I will find, lol. After Arcadia, we're headed to Verona for Kismet Bookshops which is small but has a very well curated fantasy/YA section (and I just love it generally, delightful vibes and humans) AND they are running a curated list special of 10% off banned books for Indie Book Store Day. Mikaela wanted to meet up for Indie Book Store Day (I had asked her about it and she does) and specifically she's been very excited to visit Kismet since I told her about it after I was there last year for the first time. So I'm supposed to text her and her mom with our timeline once we know it (47mins drive from Arcadia to Kismet) but I told them 11:30-noon made sense to me. Also right next door to Kismet is a really nice yarn shop (Crissy is a knitter and it's also Indie Yarn Store Day on Sat) and Sow's Ear Coffeeshop which makes delicious lattes (but their food is small portion pricey not great) for caffeine break AND across teh street is the nice Goodwill where Epic people donate expensive stuff. Then after Verona we will head over to Stoughton to lunch at Wendigo (maybe Viking Brew Pub, but most likely Wendigo) and check out Ink Cap (a very new bookstore) and the yarn shop in Stoughton that Crissy always wants to visit never does because of their hours.) then back in Madison, our book shops are Ink & Ivy (which I've not been to yet fairly recently opened but I love their story and their vibe even though I'm not their target audience with romances and kids books being their main focus -- but I collect beautiful kids books.) We may try to stop by the mystery book story on Monroe, but maybe not -- I enjoy a good murder mystery, but when I read too many of them, I find them predictable. We do want to hit up Leopold's and it will be on our way to downtown proper BUT they are also open until midnight... VERY small bookstore and cocktail bar (attached to Fabiola's Italian restaurant) but very well curated and they're organized rather uniquely by geography region (with kids and fantasy their own sections) and then alphabetical withing the geographical section have the fiction and non-fiction and eras all mixed together. Then last but not least Lake City Books (where I can spend WAY too much time) before dinner somewhere near the square or on State St before the Penny & Sparrow concert at 8 (I think doors at 7p, but we'll eat dinner first and then be wherever we end up in the crowd.)  

Should I be going to all those bookstores in one day? O dear gods no! Very much a bad idea. But I'm still going to, haven't let me book shop really all year. And browsing books available at Target doesn't count and you know it!

 So there's your catch up on my life. Black Violin classical hip-hop fusion show followed by late night dinner of yakitori selections at Izakaya Kuroyama both with my parents and now not able to turn off Billy Joel yet so my dog and I can head home then tomorrow is all book shopping and yarn stores and country drives and delicious food and good company and then the Penny & Sparrow show!! Delightful weekend plans if I do say so myself!

Sunday I need to reach out to my cousin Sabra (she's having a rough time in her life recently, not just about Shauna, who is not responding to the chemo thus far, but Shauna will be my reason to reach out try to make plans with Sabra before I then reach out to Shauna about making plans with her. It's complicated and not my story to tell here right now) and hope she gets back to me and then to work getting hours in AND to email my insurance agent about switching to the Prisu before I forget (but I don't want it time stamped nearly midnight.) And then this coming week, my plans are to work and to read and get some laundry done in there and get the car sale and insurance finalized and done and the DMV plates transfer dealt with. And then next week there are no shows in my plans until Thurs/Fri and then Sunday.

 Ooh! It's Everybody Has a Dream, one of the "eh I can turn it off during this song" songs for me. Guess we get to go home now. 

A bientôt!!

 P. S. Sunrise addendum:

When I said I'm not going to be swayed by my own desires or his if they're not strong enough to motivate actions, I dont mean I stopped desiring him. I want what I want and that hasn't changed. And when I say I want to know the truth of what is because I'd rather he have the happiness he seeks than to be mine, it doesn't mean I don't want him to be mine and for that to be his happiness he's seeking -- it just means I couldn't be happy with him being mine if I doubted or if I knew that I wasn't what he wanted for himself, if I felt I was somehow blocking and in the way of him having the happiness he seeks. Of course I still desire him and of course I still want it to be mutual and of course I want to be the happiness he seeks. I don't know how not to want those things... But they have to be true for there to be meaning and beauty and goodness in what I want. I have to know them to be true and to be his truth as they are mine. And I don't know that, in fact I often doubt it. So how can I say that because I desire him more than anything else I selfishly desire therefore that should be my guiding star when I don't know it to be true that the desire is mutual and that the happiness he's seeking requires me in it? I don't mean to seem wishy washy or uncertain, but it's important to me to know the truth and I only desire him to be mine if his truth and my truth align and the desire is mutual. Otherwise, if it's not mutual and no part of the happiness he seeks for himself, I'd rather seek to find elsewhere someone who loves me and who I could love to build my future happiness with. Just because I'd rather he be happy than be mine doesn't mean that what I want most is anything other than for him to be happy AND mine because he chose me. I just dont have the faith in me anymore to believe that third option to be true.

But also. Sometimes there's something rises up in me rebellious as a small child's tantrum and it just insists, "I can't. I can't. I can't. I won't do it!" And refuses to even entertain the thought of making myself let him go and letting go of the hope/dream of reunion with him unless I can be certain it is his truth that that's what he wants, for me to let him go and shut down the bond between us for the rest of this life.