I had the most intensely vivid realistic vision dreams during the wee hours and across this morning trying to get some rest instead of waking up every 7-13 mins (theta wave vision dreams, not even hitting full rem sleep delta waves before the vision dreaming started) from falling back into the same recurring elsewhere/elsewhen dream and being told to remember it and then the adrenaline rush of the dream itself... Not at all a restful sleep, but the message came through loud and clear and I'll remember it to act accordingly whenever I see that room in the real world, lol.

So far, I have NOT had restful sleep under this full moon.... I had intensely vivid elsewhere/elsewhen dreams throughout the wee hours and the morning and they didn't even wait for me to enter deep sleep to fall back into them, then in the afternoon/evening I developed motion sensitive migraine and pre-syncope every time I tried to get up so I spent the day laying in bed not moving but terrified of falling back asleep for even 10mins because I did NOT want to be re-awoken with sudden shots of adrenaline/cortisol the moment I fell into deep enough sleep to enter vision dream state. not even rem sleep, just as soon as I entered into theta brainwave before even entering into deeper delta brainwaves... It was NOT my favorite day even though all I did was lay in bed all day and try to rest and keep the visions and migraines at bay.

During the wee hours, I had the fire dreams again, where I'm stuck in a fire and there's no way out and just have to come to terms with accepting that I cannnot save me or anyone else and nobody else is coming to save me. I used to always assume these were working through past life memories (I had a death similar to that not that many lives ago, three lives before this one) but I had versions of them during the Grenfield fire and again the morning of the Maui fires and this evening I learned about the early morning Johannesburg fire.... I did wake up with blisters on the pads of three fingers on my right hand. 

 
But then after staying up to watch the sunrise, the vivid nightmares were a new one and those felt like prophetic ones when I'm not me now but I'm future me. I was in a cabin type room I've never seen before with a lot of trees around outside and it was a night time lashing storm with lightning and after a particularly bright/loud bolt of lightning, there was some sort of major concussive force so the windows shattered inwards and I had enough inner warning (that got longer the more times the dream repeated to strengthen the deja vu within the dream self) for me to yell out to everyone to duck and cover the animals so the glass only cut up backs and arms not faces or necks or anything vital... And then I'd wake up heart hammering full of adrenaline feeling phantom glass embedeed in my back and it would have been about 8-16 minutes after the last time I checked my phone after waking up from the last round of that dream.... Also every time i entered this dream, right at the start. I would hear the voice of a Divine/angelic being warn me, "Remember this room, when the storm starts stay seated on the floor in the middle. Don't sit in the chairs by the windows. Remember." I've never visited that cabin/forest before in my waking life and I didn't recognize anything about it at this point, but sure as h*ll I'll be a floor dweller whenever I find it in the real world no matter how comfortable the chairs/couches look!

All I'm saying is that this full moon sleep was NOT my favorite sleep.... Pisces rising trying to sleep during a Pisces full moon is too much vision dream even if you flip the sleep to be during the daylight hours.....

 What right do I have to make demands of the Divine and take things directly to Source? I have no right to demand changes, and I didn't. I just retain the knowledge to be able to do that and call attention to the ramifications from within the Creation unfolding for injustice issues and I have retained the knowledge/allies/abilities to connect straight to source and present it with the data observed for perversions/injustices not intended to exist within the lesson learning cycle of souls. I changed nothing, I simply uncovered the injustice issue(s) and present them to those best able to alter things to right the injustice. Specifically the injustices for how unincarnating spirits affect and pervert the intended process of the cycle of souls. 

Also. Just because it is my nature to find the light in the evil and amplify/protect the light, it doesn't make the evil any less evil because I can create good from what was bad. And her shadow beings hunting through him to anyone he is connected to is still a problem. A lamprey is a lamprey is a lamprey -- that's still the nature of her spirit form. And there are other shadow beings attached to/through her and that will opportunistically feed on anyone they encounter especially children. Just because I negated a perverted form of Erinyes (a type of shadow being that serves a purpose within the Divine plan but which is guided by the morae of a given society for how to deal with guilt as a societal level -- and the perverted Erinyes were created/altered by concepts of how Christianity (especially Jesus-focused evangelical/Anglican/protestant types) says guilt should be processed/dealt with.) But she's still a source of shadow beings feeding on others through her connections to them even if I undid the damage of allowing guilt eaters to seek out innocents who didn't call them in to try to scourge/harass them for their own guilts that they haven't yet come to terms with. She's still a problem and I still won't let ANYONE with her energy signature twined around/through their life reach me, not even in vision dream space. This is a hard red flag line in the sand with me and you shouldn't expect it to waver just because I was able to take a very dangerous situation and use it to correct an injustice flaw in how the perverted Erinyes have been functioning due to societal morae shifts due to Jesurific forms of Christianity. 

Do I miss the polar bear? Yes. Do I miss feeling the give and flow down the bond between us? yes. Do I miss having at least the dream space connections if we can't seem to come together in 3d real world? Yes. But none of that changes the fact that he is a danger to everyone he loves or cares about him and has a bond to him for as long as he allows her to feed through him by having her entwined around/through his energy. None of that has changed... 

So yeah, I'm not afraid to approach the Divine and bring into focus attention on injustices that are outside perversions/loopholes and were not intended to exist as a part of the give/take of lesson learning in the crucible of living. And once I see it and recognize it, I'm someone who finds it pretty much impossible to leave innocents to suffer injustices... But that's distinct from the issues created by her lamprey nature and the OTHER types of shadow beings that attach through her to feed on the energy of anyone he has bonds/energetic cords  connecting him to other people. And you shouldn't think me finding a way to right a greater wrong by finding/identifying it and bringing it to the attention of Source zeroes out the problems inherent in her lamprey nature and the OTHER types of shadow beings that attach and feed through her establishing connections and energy cords into people. That all remains a "not my circus, not my monkeys -- I don't want any damn thing to do with this" situation and so I will continue to enforce my hard line that nobody/nothing with the lamprey's energy twined around/through it can reach me at an energetic/soul level no matter what bonds or cords exist between my soul and theirs.

I dunno, it all seems pretty straightforward to me.... But then, I see prayer in any form other than prayers of gratitude as hubris because you're telling the Divine you know better than them how the world ought to be organized but I see no hubris in saying, "hey, your system is being abused via this loophole and injustices are accruing that weren't intended in your Creation unfolding. Here's where I pinpointed the problems origin, do with this further knowledge what you will -- I'm just giving you the information in the hopes you may choose to make it right." But I guess what I did could be seen by some as hubris because I'm presupposing I have the right to tell G-d/the Divine that they missed something that's affecting the unfolding and then to directly get results.  But then, also, the Divine/Source exists outside of space/time and I entered into space/time and the cycle of souls when it became known that there were perversions within the Creation derailing the intent and they could only be addressed from someone within finding them and asking for help/bringing the pinpoint location in time/space to the attention of Source and I volunteered saying, "if not me, then who?" And it's ONLY in the realm of rogue perverted unincarnated spirit that is snarling up the unfolding of the patterns of Creation that I feel I have any right to step forward or bring to the attention of any allied gods/goddesses/angels/fey or directly to the Divine/Source that there's a problem -- anything dealing with free will choices and/or the consequences thereof I consider to be about what the cycle of souls was intended/created to teach and outside of what I have the right to alter course over. There is some grey area overlap where unincarnated spirits manipulate incarnating soul chocies, but even that is still a personal individual choice and I only step in when the actions of the unincarnated soul start affecting innocents who did NOT choose to align with the temptations/manipulations but are now affected by it.

As I see it, injustices created by evils within human form created by free will choices are to be battled and won by free will choices of humans within the incarnation BUT any unincarnated spirit acting in cruel/unfair/unjust ways that tilt the scales toward injustice and ruin, well those can only be battled at a spiritual level. So it takes an ancient soul recognizing them, calling them out, bringing it to the attention of the Divine (whether it be in the form of allies in old gods/goddesses or archangels or fée or taking the matter directly to Source), and then doing battle to right the injustice to realign the scales closer back to true. The battles against injustice are fought differently depending on if it's free will choice of incarnating souls or the manipulative effects of an unincarnated spirit playing fuck around and find out by trying to pervert and tilt from true the plan of unfolding Creation.  Same fight in the name of Justice, just different battles and different enemies require different tactics for different reasons, y'know? But if nobody steps up to take care of the spiritual battles against those who would tilt the scales in favor of wrongs/injustice/cruelty/unfairness, well then those who choose in free will to do wrong are rewarded and it tempts otherwise who otherwise might have chosen differently. So the battle for justice must be fought in the corporeal everyday world of free will choices and consequences AND in the spiritual realm of dealing with unincarnated spirits who are here to fuck shit up or opportunistically feed upon the distress/chaos the others create(d) by perverting things finding loopholes to unwind the pattern from unfolding as it was intended. I believe in fighting at both levels in the name of Justice and Ma'at, but the tactics and battle plans and techniques and rules are diferent depending on which plane you're fighting against injustice and perversions of true things into acts of cruelty/injustice.

Anyway. I thought I should clarify that, about what I did and didn't do last weekend and the consequences of it AND that the dangers of the lamprey still exist and I didn't solve them or render safe anyone he has bonds/cords to from predation of her attached shadow persons... I just made it so that a Divine Justice tool isn't being perverted by a loophole of an unwritten rules to now be manipulated into preying upon innocents because of how the moraes of evangelical Jesurific Christianity have shifted in recent centuries regarding the vacuums of unatoned/unacknowledged guilt.

 O right! Also! Thinking of which!

 I  kinda sorta shifted another cosmic rule. Or more accurately.... I found the loophole being exploited and saw the injustice that exploitation made and so because the injustice upset me so badly that my conscience couldn't sit comfortably in my skin AND as even Athena admits in the Eumenides that certain things are older than the gods/goddesses and thus beyond their jurisdictions and this is one of those cases it wasn't something I could ask any immortal divinities to oversee or assist in changing the rules or watching over the loophole to keep it from being exploited, I had to take to Source the loophole I found and the missing rule that was needed to right the injustice. The sunrise after the late night drive from Minneapolis I came to the decision that I couldn't not act in the name of an injustice creating loophole I had discovered in the unfolding of the Creation per its original rules with how what I called the perverted Erinyes function under the society instilled moral code of Christianity's moral bypassing so after identifying the loophole is due to a lack of a rule that was assumed so obvious nobody would break it, I put into action at the new moon the request to make the rule explicit throughout all of this Creation to fix the brokenness the lack of explicit statement had created. namely, to make it explicit that an innocent should not be harassed and scourged by the guilt eaters summoned by another with only a tangential connection to scent out their guilt You may have to clean up the mess(es) of other people's making, but no type of Erinyes has any sort of right to try to feed on your guilts (big or little) unless your actions/inactions are so egregious to have created the vacuum to summon them upon yourself.... Erinyes drawn in by the guilt of others have any right to try to scourge you or feed on your guilt if your moral bypassing and justification was not what summoned them into this plane.

It was the next stepping stone on the stepping stone path across the fatelines (the stepping stone path is the only way out from the mess humanity has made with its collective choices and greed leading humanity to its own extinction as a vehicle for incarnation lesson learning -- because it needs to happen before all life on this planet is extinguished along with humanity due to humanity's collective greed and choices.) I took that leap of faith KNOWING how drastically it would shift some fatelines and not being able to see the ripples (or the Mandela Effects of diverging/converging fatelines/universes) but it had to be done because of how upset I was over the injustice and the ramifications of it going unaddressed and that once I KNOW about it to see it I HAD to bring it to the attention of Source and request a rule be added to close the loophole.  We still haven't settled, things are still shifting, and some of the ripples so far are very unexpected. Once we land and the ripples cease, I'll be able to get a feel for where we are and the fatelines. But for now, everything is flux and I genuinely don't know how it changes from the last stepping stone to this one. But I know what I did, and it was right and I couldn't NOT do it once I recognized it for the patterns it had made by the exploitation and the injustice of it.... So I acted and shifted the fatelines because I couldn't not. 

And. For the record. I'm as blind as everyone else to each stepping stone beyond the one we're on. I saw it once, saw the way across when I created the major shift in the name of justice that younger souls would be punished for the choices of middle aged souls if everything were ended as a failed experiment.... And once I got enough votes to shift the rules from a council of old souls as jury to a larger jury of only souls in their first three lives here on Earth to decide to try to save humanity and this planet as a vehicle of soul lessons via incarnations and to have to learn all their lessons crash course style because there's no other way to catch them up to this moment in history without the crash course....  But just because that proposed shift in the name of justice and getting two other ancient souls to side with me to get a vote of three in the name of justice to postpone the end of humanity to revoke the elder souls rights to judge and hand over give those youngest souls a chance to choose their course in full knowledge to make this right no matter how impossibly hard was enough of a change in rules to create the stepping stone path -- but even I can't see the individual stones or course, they're all in a mist to me too, until I use justice as my inner compass to point me in the direction where and why to leap and shift the fatelines to make right the injustice that prompts the need to leap realities and change the rules governing the laws of spirit/essence

 Tomorrow is the last full day of the visit from my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and two nieces. Our plan is a chill day, breakfast at Hollander then the UW Madison Geology Museum (it's free, my sister never actually went, and they could get in free with reciprocity to Science 7 Industry which has more hands on things for their kiddos than Field Museum but my sister wants to see at least some dinosaur fossils and then some afternoon time chilling on the Union Terrace having beers by the lake. Today we spent the morning on a pontoon boat rental on Lake Mendota then letting the kiddos play at the beach (Ellie and the adults were in the shade of a nearby oak tree in the grass/clover) and then the kids played at MCW and Jon got some quality snuggles with Waffles (of all of them he misses her the most and he's glad she's happy and doing so well, but he misses having a doggo) while my sister and mum and I rinsed out all the tie dye we did on Sat afternoon. Wait, this might be easier to start at the beginning of my sister's color coded spreadsheet, lol.

Last Tuesday they got into Chicago, then on Wednesday I drove down to join them in the morning to spend the day at Museum of Science & Industry and then in the evening my parents drove down to join us and we all had reservations for Medieval Times. Then Thursday morning they all drove up from Chicago and we met at Old Fashioned for lunch before spending the afternoon at the Children's Museum. Then we met up had Rocky Rococo's for dinner and then parted ways to make sure the kiddos had time in the pool. Friday I met them for breakfast at Hubbard Ave Diner and then we went to the Dane County Fair where my parents and Mikaela joined us for the day and then we headed back to work so I could drop off Mikaela and we could get the dogs setup for their wait time and then we went to Samba Brazilian Grill. Saturday morning we had a big family reunion of my da's side of the family at my grandma's, but I actually didn't make it as I was violently ill after Samba's in the way I get from pork poisoning (internal bleeding with severe cramps and throwing up bloody vomit/bile and/or blood in my stool -- I also get a skin reaction of breaking out in rashes these recent years whenever I get pork on me) and given that they load the skewers however they choose including pineapple under meat and the pork options sometimes higher than the beef, that's the likely source of it. It's probably the last time for me ever enjoying a Brazilian grill tbh other than like the buffet table because of how bad my pork protein allergy/sensitivity has gotten.... So I didn't make it to Gigi's even with all the family there as I was still dry heaving and throwing up bile at 11 (the last time I threw up bloody bile was around 12:15) and while I'm really sad I missed seeing everyone Saturday morning because the whole family of my da's siblings and kids/grandkids don't all get together like they used to but I was so violently ill and still throwing up bloody bile and that just wasn't a state to go see anyone or even leave being curled up in bed waiting as stoically as possible until I reached the other side of the endurance test of the "this too shall pass" moments of misery.... that's how I always get through the intensity of my migraines and when I have accidental pork protein exposure sickness. By the time my sister called around 3ish to see how I was feeling and if I was up for tie-dye, I was able to be up and was holding down water again so joined them for tie dye. We then all went to Nitty Gritty for dinner, but I opted for a strawberry pistachio salad with a light grapefruit ale rather than a burger because I didn't think any cross contamination with bacon on the grill was a good idea with how sick I'd been that morning.  Sunday, we went to Vitense in the morning to play some mini golf then went separate ways to let the dogs out and for them to do some Packers gear shopping  at local TJ Max/Marshalls then all met up over at Mallards (Madison's minor league baseball team) baseball park for our tickets in the Duck Blind (an area that includes all you can eat food options (I stuck to the area that only did fried boneless wings and fries to avoid the pulled pork and brats cross contamination of the other main food area) and for those who want it all you can drink tap beer) and our game was actually a double header because the previous game got rained out. As mentioned, today was pontoon boat then rinsing out and revealing and drying all the tie dye (26 pieces total) then we went to Fuji for hibachi dinner. And then tomorrow I'm joining them for breakfast at Hollander (my parents are not) and then heading to the Geology Museum (which apparently I'm the only one in the group who has ever been there or even knows it exists, lol) and then something for lunch (Miche left Tuesday plans as tbd) then beers on the Union Terrace until whenever we figure out dinner plans and they pickup their tie dye pieces and then the kiddos will get last evening of pool time. Wednesday they drive back down to Chicago and fly back to SeaTac so probably won't see them on Weds so they can just be on their own travel day timelines.

But it's alright their whirlwind week of visit is nearly over because it's going to get stupid hot again starting tomorrow which means I have to return to my full time priority of keeping my flowers and nightshades and herb boxes alive by watering everything for the last 4hrs of the day every day living by the timer.... Sat night is Mikaela's graduation party family and close friends they like (they already did church friends party; Jehovah's witnesses so better to have things separate.) Then, because it's Leo season and in my world Leo season as a child meant my grandpa's birthday and my cousin Sasha's birthday but as an adult even though my niece Monroe is a Leo, Leo season for me is the time of Irish festing and getting to see all my Irish music friends! Aug 3 we have Overture tickets to see the musical Six (which isn't Irish related, but it's a part of my upcoming whirlwind weeks of overcommitment.)  But then irish season begins with Aug 4-6 in Waterloo Iowa for Iowa Irishfest, Aug 11-13 will be split between Irish Fair of MN and La Crosse since Minneapolis and La Crosse are near(ish) and neither have people we want to see for the entire weekend but both are only available as weekend passes but you can get them cheap as bogos if you commit to buying them early before artists are announced. And then Aug 17-20 is the biggest Irish music fest in the world, Milwaukee's IrishFest which I started going to back in high school.

And then the weekend after Milwaukee Irish Fest is the ONLY weekend that worked for everyone's busy schedules for me, Crissy, Mikaela, Sarah, (and maybe my parents and/or Karissa?) to do Bristol Ren Faire because we haven't been back since before covid. Sarah asked me about it today if I have any availability in August and I told her, "I can do the last weekend of August or Labor Day weekend." Sarah: "Well my mom is going to rent a cabin for Labor Day weekend so--" Me (interrupting because Miche and family were waiting for me at Fuji): "I can do the last weekend of August or I can do Labor Day weekend. That's it. If you can't do Labor Day weekend, then we can do the last weekend of August or we can't go together. I can do the last weekend of August or Labor Day weekend and that is absolutely it." She just started laughing said, "Welp. I guess we'll plan for the last weekend of August then."

And then we hit apple season (technically earliest apples are already available at Weston's, but I never make it out there until September, lol) and Packers season and we currently have tickets to like 4 different shows at APT in the first two weeks of September (and we intend to pick up Mala if it goes on rush tickets) but then I think I have some free time to introvert and breathe and pause before right around my birthday when there's the Raye Zaragoza show and a Neon Trees show in Chicago.

And somewhere amidst all that, I will be attempting to get some sleep some of the time AND getting as many of my 40 hours of work in (and keeping all my plants alive with regular watering and harvesting things as they're ready) rather than using any of my vacation/sick days. Because I do need to water all my plant babies whenever there isn't enough rain for them because hot summer days require daily water. So basically if it's your hope to see me in August, find me at an irishfest or at Ren Faire the last weekend of August or show up at my office when I'm there.

I completely COMPLETELY failed at carving out time for my real writing this year and making me finish one of my dozen or so novels that are all currently in process somewhere between my brain and scribbled chapters on scraps of paper and/or hundreds of pages of unfinished in progress manuscript in my word processor.  As someone with unmedicated ADHD, I am the most prolific and productive in my real writing when I have someone invested in my stories/novels and wanting the next chapters to know what happens next. I'm not particularly good at finishing without an audience who needs the ending or doing the grunt work of publishing/marketing rather than being distracted by my shiny new idea that wants to be birthed into the world, lol.  I also write best while traveling and in hotel rooms, actually. Which seems counter intuitive, but I don't sleep well in hotel rooms unless I've properly gridded everything and then everything is pristine whites and there's nothing I need to clean/organize -- I just get all my luggage organized how I want it and then i can make me a cuppa tea with my portable kettle and I can just write and write and write in  hyper focus mode until I have to leave for wherever I'm supposed to be while traveling. And then I can always hand write (or read) while in airports or on planes or sitting in a van/car if I'm not driving or expected to make conversation. So travel (when I'm not the driver) and hotels are actually when I get the most writing done because they're places that I don't have to be doing any other tasks weighing on me, just allowed to fill time until I get wherever I'm going.  When I'm at home, I see all the chores I ought to be doing instead but can't find the executive function to do them right then but then I feel too guilty to do the writing I love that gives me joy so then I do nothing but seek enough dopamine in reading or mindless phone games until I can get enough executive function to do the menial "chop wood, carry water" tasks that need doing when you live alone with fur babies and green babies but only you to keep everything tidy and do chores like laundry.....

Anyway. So yeah. Whirlwind for the next while until end of September, despite my sister's family leaving tomorrow. Most of July has been an absolute over-committed whirlwind tbh..... So also, don't expect any major revelations or writing from me here even if I leave it public. My life is busy and fi you want to know what's on my mind, reach out to me or find me at an Irishfest or while I'm working, lol. But don't expect much here (or even on social media)

P.S. Speaking of social media.... I loathe X (though I'll have my popcorn ready for when Microsoft sues him for breach of intellectual property given they actually already own the tech/communication use of X as a trademark, because X-Box and visual trademarks related to their logo of Excel) replacing twitter and I'm out. That is no longer a path to reaching me as I see no reason to login or continue using it now.... Musk has completely destroyed it the way he destroyed every other major company he took over (except those who have dedicated employees whose job is to break things to distract him so he doesn't fuck around with important things....) All the interesting thinkers and valuable deep dives into news around environmentalism/racism/social activism and new scientific/health discoveries have all fled. All the comedy and magic is gone. It no longer serves as a means of getting vital information quickly or finding fascinating rabbit holes from professionals which was my main way to use it -- like PBS meets an online grad school summary explanation office hours. It's almost all scam bots with $10 and a burner phone number and fascist neo-Naziss and Musk apologist fanboys boot licking him bringing back the neo-nazis -- and those who have a hard time letting go of anything they once loved so they have lingered to the bitter end. I tried logging on tonight now the official changeover is there and there's just no longer anyone I'm interested in posting anything worth seeing there (other than news organizations, but all of them have been very tepid in what they post there about climate change and racial justice issues since Musk banned NPR because he thinks that NPR is propaganda not news which is bullshit crazy town right wing qanon brainwashing) no matter how far back I scrolled. None of the other short blogging replacement services work for me to aggregate all my diverse interests that I had curated for myself over on Twitter so fuck it. I'm out and I'll find other ways to gt my news and my scientific studies whenever something viable allows for that. 

Musk fucked it over, like he fucks up everything he touches, and that scorched earth ain't gonna grow anything I have any interest in until it's under new management that actually understands WHY the people who mainly used Twitter used it and how to recreate a community where actual expertise or fame in your field, not paying a fee, got you your verification.... So I'm out now that the last vestiges of its soul and the birds that gave it character are gone.

 Ok, I don't think it's that she hates piano music. 😂

Best I can think is that it energizes her instead of relaxing her, but she does like piano.

Tonight, I decided to try something else for her while I ran over to check on Henry (Crissy's cat_ while she's out of town for work. I thought Nickel Creek/Punch Brothers might be something she would like given her clear happy love of fiddle music. The playlist I put on also includes Chris's solo material and the first song was The Deceiver which has a ton of guitar at the start and is very chaotic not melodic. Well, let's just say.... Waffles' reaction was a flat out refusal to get in her kennel and she insisted she was going to leave with me wherever I was going rather than stay and listen to THAT. So I asked her if she wanted me to put Billy Joel back on and she snorted and nodded her head vigorously. As soon as I started All About Soul, she ran straight into her kennel and lay down tail thumping in excitement for her treat and a snoozle with Billy Joel music.

So it's not the piano. It's either the song choices of the Fransisco Turrisi covers I've had on the last couple nights while filing papers, or the tempos of the songs he plays energize her rather than soothe her and it had nothing to do with piano vs fiddle/strings pieces for what makes her restless/aggressive vs calm/happy.  I will have to do some more observations/experiments before my next hypothesis to understand Waffles' tastes in music.

But she doesn't have an aversion to piano per se given she wanted/chose the Billy Joel I started her off on as having been Audrey's playlist while I was away in recent years (or at least it's less of an aversion than her dislike of the song The Deceiver, lol.)

 In one of those ask and you shall receive synchronicities that define my life path, I decided last night that for my own conscience sake that rather than a complete "not my circus not my monkeys" conclusion to that mess and the threat the lamprey poses to everyone connected to the polar bear, I need to understand better what these shadow beings are and how/where they are slipping through to put defenses there and to reassign the rules to properly deal with them (for example I see NOTHING wrong with an evangelical jesurific Christian who engages in moral bypassing being haunted by Erinyes types who feed upon unatoned/ guilt that is never properly aligned and righted and owned up to BUT whatever attaches to THAT INDIVIDUAL due to THEIR personal choices and actions/inactions ain't got no right going after innocents or trying to attach to feed through anyone's guilt, big or little, whose actions didn't summon them or merit some form of divine retributory justice until they face what they have done and make it right. Erinyes types serve(d) a purpose, but HOW they scourge and WHO they feed upon is something that belongs in an ordered regulated well defined and defended way. Which this clearly was not within a well defined terms of maintaining Ma'at and divine justice forms of guilt eaters as it tracked down a bond to SOMEONE ELSE that the person who had let the being hook into them had formed an attachment twined around/through...) 

Anyway, what I was saying about those funny little "you're on the right path now" synchronicity sign posts. So tonight I found in my inbox an email sent by Sterling Moon in her 2nd annual month medium email that she sent out yesterday (I didn't go through my inbox yesterday, I hadn't gotten to it yet when my maman texted me that she made too much pasta and needed my help to come eat it -- my da doesn't like pasta ever and on Tuesdays he goes to play cards with some friends of his; so I went to go help her with pastapocalypse situation and we drank some wine and we watched some dvred synchronized figure skating competition that she had saved because even if it was awful we could get a laugh at it.) And the email/video from Sterling Moon from yesterday that I read/watched tonight was all about different types of non-human spirits and it included a bibliography list of books she liked and found helpful about each of the main types people seem to encounter. I like her as a medium and as a human. And I like that her advice is to avoid confirmation bias when seeking out teachings while exploring matters of the spirit, to intentionally seek out ways of doing/believing that are different from your own past lore and personal beliefs. Anyway, the timing and synchronicity of that was pretty entertaining to me. Also her advice is good that she included towards handling intentionally cruel/malefic non-humans is don't seek them but deal with them appropriately when encountered -- and if you do, don't tackle anything beyond your ability to handle and/or without the assistance of allies to help handle it -- and if you know you're in over your head go seek assistance from someone reputable who can assist you or has the strength/training to deal with it. 

Also, I don't think Waffles likes piano music. Which is disappointing to me and very much a departure from Audrey and Spock.  Every time I have piano music on, she gets restless and agitated and destructive of her toys or needs to chew aggressively. She seems to love fiddle and strings and nylon string guitar so far, all of those make her calm down and sleep with the biggest smile on her face. (she absolutely adores my recent Dreamers Circus obsession.) But piano music makes her restless and agitated and on guard mode. No idea why.... It didn't used to when I would visit her in Kirkland or when I first brought her home, but I've noticed that over the last month or so it seems to really make her protective agitated restless. I can't tell if it's something tonal or if it's because piano makes me think of Eric (for obvious reasons) and anything that makes me think of him is a potential path back in and she doesn't trust his energy being let in even that very little bit of being reminded of him after what happened when I let him back in for a short while following George Winston's death and the things that feed through the lamprey used the reopening of the bond to him as an excuse to hunt via his connections now she's twined all around and through his life so everything that feeds on/through her can use his connections to find new innocents to feed upon not just feeding on him via her...  It's just strange is all, that ever since that happened piano music has made Waffles more reactive and restless and on self imposed guard duty of me since that event on June 9..... It's been getting worse, especially the last week or so but tonight was the most obvious yet because she was fine until I started listening to some piano instrumental music and then she got very restless and destructive on a bone and protective of me but as soon as I turned it off, she went to lay in her open door kennel and gave a happy sigh before taking a brief snoozle. So it is most definitively the piano music agitating her so much this last week. It isn't clear why.

given her current restlessness agitation and destructive aversion to piano, I'm thinking I should try something other than the Billy Joel playlist for her musical companion when she is kenneled when I run errands or there's nobody to watch her. Seems cruel if she's having such a strong aversion to piano right now to put on piano centric music for her, y'know?

Dang but a conscience is a persistent motherfucker.... I don't LIKE having an internal "not my circus not my monkeys" approach and that's the truth of it. It just ain't sitting with me well....

It's not just because leaving dark things to feed and spread in dark places without shining the light of truth on them only makes them grow stronger more insidious. And it's not just the bond and the genuine admiration/affection that was there and would still be there if it hadn't been rejected and blocked. It's also just... I don't like a bully of any variety, I never have, and I particularly don't like acts of intentional cruelty. And a bully never stops bullying behaviors til someone stands up and says, "that is ENOUGH! You no longer have any power here!" and then forces them to face the consequences of their past choices/actions -- anything else and bullies just think they got away with it and keep doing behaviors to try to get away with intentional cruelty and emotional extortion and manipulative controlling of others.  Nothing changes with a bully until you shine the light on their behavior patterns and find the way to enforce that interdiction against victimizing innocents. Bullies of all types set off my defiant bird of prey protective/defensive need to reassert the balance of justice facet in my character. And vampiric unincarnated spirits are just fucking bullies and parasites who do what they do because they believe they can get away with it and nobody can stop them. And the truth is most people can't stop them from entering or feeding on them, and most people certainly can't cast them out to the white light beyond time to either return to the cycle of souls for further lessons within the cycles of incarnations or to face their judgement from Source, I mean most people can't even do the most basic healing/cleansing/blessing to clear out old energetic buildup of past traumas so as to create a blank canvas for the new without the psychic scars of the past tangling everything around them.  

And so it rankles in me to stand down and say "this is not my fight" when at least in this life I've made it my fight to deal with the vampiric bullying spirit entities that prey upon the living and to clean up the residual scars of the past that fester where the wounds were never healed. That wandering work I do to clean things up, it's the brightest thing I will leave to posterity beyond this life and it will be an anonymous gift to the future because only those who know my soul light energy signature will recognize what I have done and even they won't see how ugly and dark all the fate lines were/are leaving those things uncleaned and growing ever stronger beyond the crucible of the present. I've met others who can do the spiritual cleanup work I do to a certain extent but I have never yet met anyone who can read the strands of the shifting fatelines as I can, not even others I know with the gift of precog/prophecy.... But I also don't know anyone else who fidgets with the slinky give and take in the wave form spinning of time's passage like it's an invisible fucking fidget spinner to hide the ADHD fidgets that otherwise manifest in physical movement. But I do know that the fatelines without me taking on this chosen duty to clean things up because I can and if I don't who will are very very very dark ones indeed and often end in the complete truncating of human life and almost all life on this planet for several million years until the planet heals herself. The work I do for the greatest good of this planet and the potential future of humanity is mostly done in my wandering shining light on dark places and cleansing away the monsters hidden in the shadows -- but my greatest personal peace comes in holding still in a small little hermit life of books and music and flowers and trees and stars and fur babies and art and bird friends.... I understand why my da told me as a kid that I can't sit out be fool on the hill complete hermit this life because things will get dark and without my changes there's no path through to the futures he already lived before getting looped back to this life, but all my greatest inner peace and tranquility and strength building happens when I get to hold still in the small everyday joys and wonder in awe at how exquisite so much of the beauty that IS of this Creation as it's unfolding..... The future and the world needs my wandering travels to clean up energetically the psychic scars left in places of traumas past and fight whatever vampiric unincarnated beings to restore the balance of justice with the hand and feather of Ma'at, but if it weren't for my inner screaming defiance against the meanness of bullies and petty dictators and the cruelty of their imposing their will on others, well, I'd let the world burn by its own choices and hide myself in the tranquil hermitage of small joys and great awe at the beauty that IS and try to save as much of the good and true and beautiful so if it must perish at least it will burn last. So you should be thankful for that in me that screams defiance as my instinctive fight reaction towards bullies and cruelty, it's the only thing that keeps me here doing my best works of this life in quiet anonymity away from the glare of power-money-fame metrics striving to keep the course of time on the brightest fatelines that are truest to the unfolding pattern of creation, including the things I can't alter because they were choices made in free will. 

And it's that screaming defiance part of me that is taking issue with me deciding "not my circus, not my monkeys" as regards the shadow figure that used the polar bear to track down the bond to me to feed the beings that feed through her lamprey nature of attaching and twining herself around/through people to feed on their energies for those parasite shadow beings attached in her feeding through her..... I don't like turning aside saying "this is not my fight" when it come to vampiric/parasitic shadow beings and unincarnated spirits. If a bully crosses my path and mistreats others where I can see it, then the act of crossing my path so I see the behavior happening makes it my fight to stand up and say, "this is wrong and I will stand up against this wrong to stop it or go down swinging trying to stop it, damnit!"

And that's where it's rankling inside me right now to just wash my hands say, "not my circus not my monkeys" you chose this and welcomed this in your life and I ain't had nothing to do with those free will choices you made..... also, every dang day since I arrived at that ethics stance, my crows keep asking me in very raucous cries,  "what are you going to do about this now you know, path finder? Backing away from this pretending it's not your fight isn't your true nature and you know it as well as we do. So what are we going to do about this now you know?" And have you ever tried to argue with crows?! Most stubborn creatures ever when they fixate on something.... especially when they're right.

*Sigh*

I should at least go down the rabbit hole of finding out where/how these beings are getting in to take advantage of the vacuum of guilt that evangelical "Jesus just takes my sins away so I never have to atone or make right the wrongs I did" forms of Christianity have created. I mean, nature abhors a vacuum and in their way these shadow beings are taking advantage of a situation already primed for them.... But the how of them getting in like this, well now finding those cracks and filling them in welding them shut is something I can and should be fighting. I may not be able to change the collective social morality of all Jesurific savior-based true believers that they bear no responsibility in fixing what they break and making right what they do wrong, but I can try to figure out how the shadow beings are getting in to take advantage of that moral bypassing  in this root basic premise in evangelical Christian society driven moral code has created. 

I will sit more comfortably in my own skin and be able to meet my own eyes in the mirror again without shame if I do what I can in the fight to at least stop up however they are getting in..... Now I just have to figure out how the hell they're doing it and how to put in defenses so they can't get in that way any longer, and to create the defense network in a way it will exist in perpetuity without me maintaining it and most importantly be attuned to and allow for all of the created pattern of this Creation unfolding. 

Just a small wee little task I've set myself to finish, preferably before the seasons turn past summer's end.... I don't ask much of me at all.  They're neither fée nor angelic nor old gods/goddesses/powers.... So what are these shadow beings? I should start there on my side quest to figure out how they're slipping in to this dimension where they don't belong and to strengthen the defenses by closing those holes/tears that let them through. *yawns* guess that means I should go walk in spirit vision dreams now and spend the next while outside of when my sister's family is here and while Irishfesting to have some talks with divinities and archangels and take my place in Seelie for a bit to see what is known there.... 

O right! 

Also. At Art Fair, I only bought one piece of art that called to me insisted on coming home with me. A small canvas collage of a pair of ravens print of a painting.

 

Everything else I bought are things to wear, and only a few pieces. A pair of dyed box elder burl earrings with copper inlay (I love his wood jewelry, it's stunningly beautiful, both natural woods and the various stains/dyes to paint the wood grains and also the earrings especially are so lightweight) that look like starry night and distant galaxies and perfectly matched my raven painting. 

Apparently I didn't take any pictures of just the earrings. My bad. I'll fix that on the other side of sleep, lol. 

Also a new quartz crystal tree of life wire wrap necklace. I've been wanting a quartz tree wire wrap pendant for years but never found the right one that called to me and that's important with buying anything with stones in any setting. But this one the crystal sang back to me when I held it and I loved the workmanship and energy from the couple who made this one (much of what Innerwoven do is hand done macrame around crystals/stones they source directly on location working with local lapidarist stone cutters.) 

This piece of quartz attuned to me right away and I swear it color shifts depending on what I'm feeling and energetically doing.... also this piece of quartz has a lot of refraction prisms along the growth plates perpendicular to the hexagonal prism of the dual points, especially there's a lot of refractions at the bottom point on the back side against my skin right near my heart chakra, but they're sporadic natural inner rainbows of refractions inside the quartz and not the way heat fractured cracking to force them look. 

And then the first things I bought were two pairs of blown glass earrings. Which are amazing and I also wanted a Beetlejuice inspired black and white pair but thought three pairs in different colors was excessive for a first stop before even seeing any of my usual favorites at art fair. (My usual favorites had many great things, but all the pieces that they had which called to me were things I already own prints)

But apparently I haven't yet taken photos of them so I will have to come back to add those. Tomorrow on the other side of sleep. (I was really hoping the promised rain would come overnight as thunderstorms for me to listen to while I sleep. I love falling asleep to the sound of the rain and having it like a lullaby's through my sleep. The most restful healing sleeps are those while listening to the rain and storms. But alas it is 3:30 and no storms or rain yet.... Boo on that!)

 The Royale was absolutely amazing! They did it 90mins straight through without intermission, but between the play itself and all of the actors and the directorial choices, I'm calling it now that it's the best play APT will put on this season. At a tug the heart strings let's talk about the realities of being Black in America and the realities of the history as it was sort of way.  Absolutely fucking phenomenal!!! Would definitely go see it again.

Merry Wives of Windsor was... vapid and overacted and farcical but that's what the play is. They did a good job with it and it was fun, but there was no substance to it and I wouldn't want to come back for it any more than I'd want to drink leftover champagne the next morning if you don't drink it up when you first open the bottle -- without the bubbles, even if it's chilled it's not an enjoyable experience. It's one of my least favorite Shakespeare plays or as I describe it, "The story is that Merry Wives is the OG fan fic because Queen Elizabeth basically loved Falstaff so much In Kin Henry IV Part 1 she ordered he be made undead again or she would revoke the patent for the players/theatre." I also feel quite strongly that even though the history plays are rarely staged, Merry wives should always be staged alongside King Henry IV part 1 and King Henry IV Part 2. Not just because they are superior plays, but so that you can have a proper understanding of who Falstaff is/was and why the Queen loved him so much that merry Wives of Windsor was written so countermand his death. You could do the two history plays short runs, but alongside the comedy they would sell to ll the English/history nerds and for those whose interest is piqued by learning the story of how/why Merry Wives of Windsor supposedly came to be.Also though, mostly because King Henry IV Parts 1 & 2 are brilliant and have some incredible soliloquies and lines... Prince Hal is quite delightfully real in a way that you don't expect of a king to be. 

But The Royale was incredibly fucking amazing and I HIGHLY recommend that if you have a chance to come up to Spring Green to see it, you ABSOLUTELY should!!!  If I can, I intend to see it again while it's running because it really is that phenomenally done.

Current plan is to Art Fair tomorrow (well, today now; Saturday) and then I'll be coming in over the weekend to get hours in to try to get enough in since next Saturday I'll be in the twin cities for a Nickel Creek show (I think it's St. Paul, not Minne) and then I'll have Sunday through Tuesday to try to get as many hours or work in before my sister's family come into town for a visit (19-24; my sister has a color coded excel spreadsheet itinerary. And yes that's what I mean by she's a Type A Virgo planner, lol.) I will probably have to figure out watering plants at some point if it doesn't rain, either early mornings or after they go back to their hotel so the kiddos can swim, and I might have some evening/night time blocks to get hours in, but I also will need to sleep and spend time with my cat and take care of my at home plants around the timing of my sister's itinerary. There's likely some flexibility, but like she has every meal planned where it is and when it should be and any flexibility will be around her family's needs/timelines and not anybody else's... because that's how my sister is, lol.  Very stark contrast to my wandering meandering go with the flow "what do we fell like now" way that I navigate around the things that have non-negotiable start times not to be late for 9such as tickets and travel; I'd rather be early than late when you have a hard finite time for things. And yes, I treat plans with my sister the way I treat theatre/concert tickets and flight times....because it's not worth the battle and passive-aggressiveness and her never forgetting a slight of being late to her plans unless you have a damn good reason for it. My policy with her is to try to articulate needs/desires ahead of time so she can incorporate them into her plans if possible and to prioritize her plans once they are made. Because she over plans to try to optimize efficiency and happiness, so in my experience letting her and/or her husband know given parameters is way better than springing things on them or being late to what they already planned.)

Anyway. What I'm saying is that other than the Nickel Creek concert next Saturday and working, including watering my plants, this week I will likely be very much a hermit to make up for my over planned no introvert recharge week after that. And then after they fly back home to Seattle area, I'll have one weekend and a handful of days before seeing Six on Thursday and then first weekend of Aug is Iowa Irishfest and starts my three weekends in a row of Irish festing (and then probably Bristol Ren Faire the weekend afterward) and then September I have a whole slew of APT dates right away, lol. My hermit introvert recharge time is actually rather limited after this coming week until like mid-September.... Oy vey, non?

but anyway. The Royale. See it anywhere if you can, but genuinely if you have the means to travel to the upper midwest and see it at APT in Spring Green, you absolutely should! Because this cast and director, their choices were all INCREDIBLE!!! Just phenomenally, powerfully, incredible!

P. S. 2:22am addendum: 

This Three French Hens wine is my current favorite inexpensive red wine for drinking in pretty much any outdoor summer/early autumnal situation when you don't want anything too heavy but still want a good dry French red. (And yes, we were drinking wine out of Starbucks small water cups -- we forgot to grab cups and were stopping there anyway for road caffeine so I suggested asking for two small waters as well to get free cups. They work remarkably well for impromptu drink pouring and have measures on them to help you get even pours for everyone at different quantities.)

It doesn't taste or drink like a cheap wine, but it's currently a $9.99 bottle of French wine at Barriques  and when you buy 6 bottles of the same kind of wine you get 10% off. (Or on Tues it's 10% off of 2 or more of any bottles of wine.) Which was a ridiculously good price for any French wine, but especially a merlot/mourvèdre blend! We tried it at ATP last night while holding the table waiting for the rest of the party of 8 and our order from Freska to arrive. And then today on the way back to APT I insisted on preordering the coffee drinks and then getting a half case of the Three French Hens while they had it at that price point for Concerts on the Square and/or APT across the next several months.

 The wine is from Languedoc (which their wines are often hit or miss, but more often than not are very pleasantly drinkable to my very snooty French and ancient Greek palette and past life opinions on wine) and is a blend of 70% merlot with 30% mourvèdre (an ancient Mediterranean grape used in a lot of wines I love from ancient Greco-Roman colonies in the Mediterranean, also popular in some new world bad Australian wines, but I tend to consistently think of it as a Provençal and Rhône and Valencia wine. Mourvèdre is the M in the Côtes de Rhône désignation GSM blend as a table wine. The other two being grenache and syrah. And yes, if you see an inexpensive GSM blend, that's usually a safe and nicely balanced table wine at 50% grenache, 40% syrah, and 10% mourvèdre. And yes, I have very strong opinions about wine and yes they are very French and ancient Mediterranean Greco-Roman opinions and no you can't change my mind.... Red wines should be dry and well balanced smooth with flavor profiles based on the season it is and what you're eating (I drink very different reds in hot summer days than I drink on cold winter days; but the tannic dry well balanced is the non-negotiable of a red wine) and white wines should be dry and bright crisp and never ever ever oaked because if you want to drink clarified butter you can have some ghee but butter doesn't belong in white wines dangit. Rosé has a bit more room for play in flavor profiles as it flirts with combining aspects of reds and whites, but the greatest sin against a rosé is making it cloyingly Moscato/American Riesling sweet. Any wine described as tasting like honeysuckle in the notes is going to be cloyingly sweet... I also loathe every type of port and sherry wines I have ever tried for the treacly texture, cough syrup texture molasses with sediment is NOT what I consider a good or enjoyable wine.) Three French Hens is light bodied, fruity, but dry slightly tannic finish. And the wine lady at Barriques who came over to help us was delighted when I asked for a box and pointed it out as being an amazing summer red and unbelievable deal for that price point, she told me this one is also quite good chilled down to 56F, brings out the berry notes in it. Which, if we get back over 90F days and I want red wine is something I will definitely do!

And damn skippy I tell everyone that it's my 12 Days of Christmas wine and if they can't remember the name of it than to start singing the song and they'll figure it out. (Also, if you ever want to do an epic romantic slightly askew because nobody needs that many fowl in the modern world version of gifting your true love the twelve days of Christmas, I have now found you the stand in for three French hens in a bottle of wine. You're welcome.)

 My purse books right now is a science book on giant squid (architeuthis) and le Fanu's Carmilla (the first novel about vampires) and I will need to figure out if either will fit in my purse for the game tomorrow or what I will bring.... My current at home book(s) right now are reading The Oran Trilogy by Midori Snyder. They are a fantasy series written in the late 80s/early 90s but the author has a keen interest in social injustice motivated revolutions and historical authenticity and especially in swordplay/martial arts so the fight scenes ACTUALLY make sense are plausible. That said, chapter eight of book two was a hard one to read this morning... In a genocidal brutality bearing witness way. She found a way to make beauty from it and it was necessary for knitting together the characters into the fact that the rebellion to reclaim freedom is the only way, but it did not flinch away from the brutality that descends upon the lives of innocents just trying to live when their villages are in the way of soldiers given orders to be as ruthless as they desire because morality doesn't matter in a war zone. She did a good job with writing the chapter and being unflinchingly honest without voyeuristic, but it was painful reading even when you have a many lives long policy to stare down even the most brutal truths about humanity's choices/actions and bear witness for those who have suffered under it..... 

I was going to keep reading further into the morning, but reading that over sunrise now it asks of me that I sit with it and not move on too quickly, as requiem to honor the brutalized, even though they are fictionalized the story is a true one for many. 

I am often born into incarnations at the ending of one society and the birth of the new, so is my father. The fact we are both here right now should tell you everything about what's coming, what we have both known this whole life is coming. He bears witness to topple those who grow corrupted by power and to make sure they receive their justice. I bear witness to save and protect as much of the good and the truths/knowledge as possible and to protect against the atrocities of the worst fatelines winning out.... He is one who topples the corrupt and I am one who brings the light of good peace/justice/truth seeking. The fact we are both here now together at the same time for the same fall of a society for a new one to be born should tell even those who cannot see the future fatelines or read the doomed writing on the walls for humanity's current iteration of society.

Things will get so much worse now before they get better.... and not just the vision dream of what is coming from what we are already in, the recurring night terrors vision dream that I wrote the poem Cwn Annwn about. 

*Sigh* I understand why this is a fight that I can't sit out and my da told me as a small child that I couldn't just be a hermit fool on the hill this life, but with my north node in Taurus this life I would have very much enjoyed that this life, y'know? Just a small little life tucked away in the woods with my books and music and gardens and art and dogs and cats and horses.... And some chickens. Maybe some goats. And let humanity go to hell in its own way without me. I know I know, global warming destruction is a global problem and the battles coming I'm needed in... But a girl can dream about saying, "fuck this capitalist bullshit model of success in modern society, who needs you and your hate and rules of institutionalizing inequality? Fuck off, I'm going to tend my garden and my home in the woods and protect all who find their way to me from your madness." There really isn't much that this society offers that I want beyond the ubiquity of knowledge and literature and beautiful music (which nobody seems to value, but it's everywhere and books and tutorials and learning and to hear gorgeous music at the press of a button are so fucking easy to come by this life and it breaks my heart how so few people give a damn...)

We are at the point that my ability to keep a garden of flowers and beacon of light/hope in the burning is diminishing circles...   I am spending over 4hrs every day and planning almost my whole life around keeping alive and healthy and in flower my green spaces. And soon on the other side of the severe drought portion, will come the torrential rains and tornadoes here as well as elsewhere. But remember my goal was for this area nestled between the lakes not to burn, to stay green and bordered in green so that it will not burn while everything else does. 

Anyway, that chapter of the book put my head into a place of sorrow and mourning for the depravity of mankind and questioning if humanity deserves this one last chance to become proper stewards of all life on this planet change course to continue as a vehicle of incarnations and soul lessons. Today I spent in heavy thoughts for all those innocents who suffer at the hands of other human's cruelty and depths of depravity and violence and thinking about where it's happening right now and how much worse is coming... Basically my mind was heavy and I was soul searching if humanity deserves a chance to be better than the versions of itself that it has collectively chosen to be over the last 2,000 years since fucking Rome became the standard and colonialist empire building expansionism and greed became the basic foundational premises to build society upon....

For tomorrow (93F and sunny) I'm putting water bottles (well wine bottles and beer bottles in at least the tomatoes in the morning because today (91F and sunny) was hard on them.

 Also, tomorrow I will be in Milwaukee for an afternoon Brewers v. Cubs game. (yeah yeah, I know, can I get more stereotypical American than to spend the 4th of July at a baseball game? The funny thing is that baseball is actually my last favorite sport to watch, but there was an unclaimed ticket and I will enjoy it well enough and enjoy tailgating and my all beef kosher hot dogs and beers and probably some fried cheese curds. And I will be in my Cubs, well Billy Joel at Wrigley Field Cubs tee, because as much as I care about baseball, I'm a Cubs fan because the people in my family who care(d) about baseball are/were aunts who are huge Cubs fans.)  Which means watering all my plants and setting up wine bottle/beer bottle slow watering bottles for the things like tomatoes that will have a hard time waiting for me to get back from Milwaukee after a 3pm game. My da will be hanging out with the doggos all day and keeping them from overheating.

Let's see. So baseball game tomorrow. And then Weds we're having a free grill out at work. Then on Thurs is a big group to APT for Merry Wives of Windsor.  Friday night rush tickets at APT to see The Royale (about boxing in segregationist era; didn't initially commit to the play because we were uncertain we cared enough about boxing for 25% off to order early, but this director and actor do an incredible job with plays dealing with racial inequity and racism and when I looked at the script on Friday it deals as much or more with segregation issues within the sport as boxing per se.) And then this coming weekend is Art Fair on the Square. Don't yet know which day we're going, but one of the days.

Next week is pretty chill for me other than up to Minne on the 15th to see Nickel Creek. And then my sister's family will be in the area from the 18-25. And yes my sister has an excel spreadhseet (including plan b plans spreadsheet) of all the plans and every meal while they're here. Because Type A Virgo, lol. Technically, their flight gets into Chicago on the 18th and so don't have plans with them until the 19th (joining them at Museum of Science & Industry during the day and then all going to Medieval Times together for dinner and a show because none of us have ever been and the eldest two kids are a good age for it and Miche remembered that every time we drove past it as kids I wanted to go and we never did because my parents told me that Ren Faire at Bristol is better. So getting to all go together to find out for ourselves is definitely part of her reasoning.)

I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to get in all my hours of watering to keep plants alive while my sister's family are in the area if it stays so hot and dry drought conditions -- will probably have to come in for sunrise watering until whenever I meet up with people for breakfast/brunch plans and commit my day to family time....You should probably definitely not expect to hear from me while family is in town, but maybe I'll write next week if the desire arises in me.

O right and since my last post, also saw Our Town on Saturday rush tickets as first APT play of the season was fine; I mean I don't have critiques for how actors could have done better though I have some ideas how directing/casting could have made more statements that were interesting. Mostly, it's just a boring not well constructed/written play where not much happens and then when big things happen you don't care because ys ou were never brought to any sort of emotional investment in the characters. I don't care that Thornton Wilder won a Pullitzer Prize for it, Our Town is just not a particularly great play...

Anyway, I need to figure out my ballpark stadium purse and make me some chamomile tea to try to get some sleep since I have time commitments tomorrow starting at like 10am for watering commitments. Presuming I can sleep with the moon so brightly beautiful and singing so loudly since she was arisen over the horizon. But I should head to bed and at least try and if I fail then I fail but at least I tried, lol. You know what I didn't fail at though? Cutting some full moon catnip for Spock and bringing it home to home tonight for his box o catnip (my aunt who loves cats but is incredibly allergic to it brought a box full of fresh catnip from her organic land and a daughter plant for me to plant for him -- I throw out the stems when they get brittle and I do eventually dump out the used dried catnip full of his hair, but that box is his forever favorite box and so every year I refresh it with new Frau catnip from my garden at work for him. He also gets dried catnip throughout the year sprinkled on his cat scratchers, but the fresh catnip is an only in midsummer through fall specialty for his favorite box to lay in. He is so happy right now! 

 1) APT was cancelled due to the fire smoke, which I am very grateful they did for the sake of the core actors (who can't afford to destroy their voices/lungs for one performance in this extreme wildfire smoke) even more than for the other staff and guests. They said they would honor tickets for any price range at any show any night the rest of the season. I suggested everyone in the group text plans still come to MCW for cocktails after 5pm (to which I was the last one to get there because of how late my grandma's appointment ran) and we already rescheduled ordered our tickets for our whole group to see The Liar on Sept 9 (the day that i originally said we would go but then my maman insisted she needed to keep all of September free of theatre tickets in case my parents were heading to their place in Montana at some undefined potential date in September -- as Crissy winked at me before she said tonight, "It's the date you originally said we should choose. I've just learned that whenever Dani insists on something completely illogical especially related to timing, like which day or time to do something, there's a reason even if she doesn't yet know it. So I'd rather not fight to change it because it's easier to just listen to the elf witch precog when she gets stubborn irrational than scramble to change plans last minute later." She's not wrong, but sometimes even I fight my irrational intuition and precogs because they make no damn sense so I can hardly blame anyone else for trying to plan logically even if we always end up with what I had said we should do.) But anyway, that's done. So postponing big group to a Saturday in September picnic and play in the wood. And there were half price rush tickets at APT for Our Town (the only play up the hill that Crissy and I didn't commit to buying when tickets first went on sale.) So Sat morning Farmer's market and brunch plans with a friend coming up from Chicago then Saturday evening plans in Spring Green for the first play of the season up at APT.

2) Got some news over the weekend and worse news last night checking in after the scans and even worse worse news today after the rush biopsy results about a very dear friend in Kentucky. Things are getting scheduled moving fast, but also it's a very aggressive cancer type soooo, yeah..... I intentionally sent pictures of love thinking of them toasting to their health with the remainder of my bottle of Russell's 6 year barrel aged rye we picked up for our front row during WB3 "flights" last time we saw them at ROMP last year and then sent them lots of happy doggo pictures of Waffles. (They are VERY much dog people. While we were all gin and bourbon drunk at the bluegrass festival and I was making friends with every pupper that crossed my path, I made a comment about wanting milkbones for all the dogs at ROMP music festival to help seed even more joy through the crowd and one of the friends who used to be a vet lit up at the idea. So the next morning at the store I insisted we buy him a box of milkbones for him to be able to give every dog the next day of the festival. he was so delighted grinning so huge as he wandered around the fest wearing a sunflower skirt as a halo on his hat handing out biscuits to every dog whose owner gave permission -- and he and his common law wife continued that tradition to bring milkbones to add happy puppy joy to the fest this year.) He's the one with the cancer diagnosis that isn't public and members of his immediate family don't even know yet because he wants to tell them in person... And my heart hurts over it and I asked to be kept in the loop if they need anything including short notice company in Nashville or Knoxville for the oncology specialist treatments so she won't be by herself waiting and that if time/energy allows to let me know when would be a good time to come see them no matter how the treatment options/timing/efficacy goes.

3) Tonight after everyone left except me and Waffles, I discovered the Danish folk trio Dreamers' Circus and have been going down the rabbit hole of all their songs ever since because I am seriously obsessed with EVERY composition of theirs I have heard so far and they make me feel the "hold perfectly still in case you break the dream" spellbound by every second of every recorded performance I can find.  Their music, all of it instrumental, just brings a lilting lyrical uplifting joy bubbling up from my soul. This video, City Gardens from the Mons Sessions was the first I discovered: 

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The entire new album of Blue White Gold is absolutely stunning!!!!! Their songs bring the same sort of joy in the pure instrumental arrangements and style as George Winston always has. And very very soon I'm going to have to order everything of theirs to make sure I will always have it regardless of what streaming platforms do because I cannot get over how dearly I adore every single melody and every single instrumental choice of every song of theirs!!!!!

Life is a balance and dance of all the intense emotions crashing about pulling at you. And you have to hold on to the beauty and joy when it finds you. And these melodies, these arrangements and unique instrumental choices that paint the most gorgeous sonic landscapes for my synethesia, they are joy and brightness in the darkness that I intend to hold onto and keep! And Denmark is far from me and where they typically tour is across oceans from where I am, but i aspire for when i will get to finally see them play these songs live and the joy that will bring my heart!

4) We were still finding shards of glass INSIDE the shelves/door of the fridge tonight from the coffee pot I shattered yesterday when it surprised me as it fell and I mentally blasted it with energy to shove it away from hitting me or breaking into the watermelon juice for cocktails that I was holding.... Whoops.

This is the rocks glass I was telling you about that cracked right where my thumb was when I picked it up with my right hand to bring the watermelon lemonade vodka cocktail to someone.

Whoopsiedoo! If you notice, I'm only holding that glass in my left hand for the pictures and I was very careful to only drink my wine tonight holding the glass in my left hand.... I don't yet trust anything glass anywhere near my right hand.

Your girl has got to find something to heal or fight or banish...it ain't good to keep this much energy in your skin without using it to some purpose..... The screaming and suffering of everything dying in this drought and now the firesmoke suffocating all the happy bees and bird friends and critters has got me looking for an energetic fight if I can't DO anything to save this dying earth from the suffering humans have inflicted upon her.... Humans are capable of so much beauty and so much good and yet this is how we repay the gift of goodness we were collectively born into?! It hurts to hear the psychic screaming of so much life suffering and so needlessly because of the cancer of all consuming greed and colonial expansion seeking more to conquer ever more....

 I am entering into the third day of the worst non-migraine headache from the Quebec fires smoke... In case you were wondering how bad it is right now:

It's been getting steadily worse all night. And I have intentionally turned all HEPA filters up to highest settings (even installed a brand new one in my bedroom) and have been wearing my n95 outside and i can still smell the smoke and it still makes my throat itch gives me laryngitis. Also, the particulates make my eyes burn horribly enough to make me minimize my use of contacts when the air quality is this bad. (small micro particulates and gases can get themselves embedded within the soft plastic and do damage to your eyes when you put them back on -- it's why even with vented goggles, you still had to wear glasses because contacts were not allowed in any chem, o chem, a chem, or biochem lab work i did.) I will have to wear my contacts later today though after this sleep because I am taking grandma to an afternoon appointment then heading to Spring Green for the first play of the season! (The Liar, translation from the French play; big group of us.) For that much driving, I need to wear my contacts because my prescription is bad enough that my peripheral vision is super blurred around the frames of glasses so I try not to drive much without wearing contacts instead. Even when the air quality is this bad....

But also, the air quality is worse right now because I am trying to move the worst of the smoke we will get through before we sit outside for picnic and outdoor play BUT hold off the much needed rain (the front that will drive the smoke back eastward from here) until after the play is done. So it's delicate business weather witching for my evening June 28 plans to be optimal and it means right now it's terrible outside... my poor bird and bee friends..... This is so hard on them with how they breathe.... Harder on them than my wild critter animal friends....

Last several days, everything smells like smoke and the skies are grey and sunrise isn't a brightening, the sun is very red disc in sky until  nearly midday. 

Bedtime now. Going to need to get up to shower and then make food and get ready before taking my grandma to her appointments. And budget the extra exhaustion for the taking Waffles outside portions because even through the n95, the bad air makes me so dang tired physically. Not spirit energy, I have so much of that in me I was shattering glassware in the evening just by touching it. (A coffee pot that was on the top of the fridge fell toward me while my hands were full when I opened the door and i reflexively shove it away from me with energy so it shattered when it got near me then fell to the floor, i blamed the shattering on when it hit the floor. And then later I was making cocktails for me and my parents and Sarah and I touched one of the rocks glasses with my right hand (power flows in my left out my right general state of being like breathing, but in big works where I am conduit to a lot of power, it flows out both hands) and where my thumb touched the glass I grabbed with my right hand, it cracked the glass horizontally then straight up to the rim, like a J. I can grab a picture of it at work if i remember.)

 Anyway, the smoke makes my limbs heavy and slow and my body exhausted, but the amount of raw spirit energy flowing through me right now while my body is so tired is insane. Not sure why I'm humming so live wire, but if I can't find a reason or way to use it, I'm definitely going to break more things accidentally....

P. S. Aaaaaand when I checked right before posting this and sleeping, it's even worse.... 

Bet it hits over 250 before I fall fully asleep. I wonder if it's still this bad tomorrow if we should reschedule 1) my grandma's appointment (as hard as the glaucoma specialist is to see) because my grandma is in her mid 80s and has asthma so two reasons any exposure to the outdoor air would be horrible for her right now and 2) APT because that can't be good for us or the actors if it's this bad this evening... Hopefully they will consider rescheduling/honoring tickets another night, for the actors as much as the patrons.... Although, Spring Green is north and west of here so they are at least a bit better air quality than we are in Madison. East of us is even worse....

 I finally emailed Erin (my vet for the last 15 years) to tell her about Audrey's death back in January that happened while she was out of office. I cried every time I attempted writing it these last five months. And I cried while writing it and it was too long but rereading it trying to edit it made me start crying all over again..... But Spock's annual visit and vaccines were supposed to be scheduled 6/18 and I couldn't schedule him back with Erin at All for Pets without letting her know about Audrey making sure she wanted me to continue with her knowing I do not want one of her three colleagues involved in future care of my fur babies due to the mismatch of our communication styles but I didn't want to schedule him somewhere else (probably with Dr. Mason at Faircrest Veterinary) without letting Erin know why.... And then I need to get Waffles into a local vet, but she's not due for her vaccines til September and her last dose of heartworm meds is August 1 so if possible I think it makes sense to take her in late August, y'know?

But anyway. I have needed to tell Erin about Audrey (I'm still receiving postcards, texts, and emails about needing to schedule Audrey's appointments for her annual exam and vaccines at the same time as Spock...) So I told her the story and why I need her to understand I would rather go somewhere else entirely than have Dr. Gallagher involved in the care of my fur babies but I like and trust Erin over these last 15 years and would like best to keep seeing her. (But if not her Dr. Mason.  So I gave her the information and asked her what she would prefer as far as scheduling for Spock and moving forward with my living fur babies care needs.... I gave the facts of what happened and I didn't throw Dr. Gallagher under the bus in that I chalked it up to mismatched communication styles and acknowledging she was walking into a hard situation didn't know Audrey or me.

That was hard to write. And it's long email, but attempts to edit it just made me cry and cry and cry tonight. So eventually I just sent it.... Because Audrey died January 21 and it was midnight of June 21 when I sent the email.... And Spock NEEDS his appointment scheduled somewhere so I'm out of time waiting until telling the story didn't make me cry, y'know? 

Bah.I'm emotionally exhausted now and trying not to cry. So I'm going to heads down get some inputting done at work until my emotions are not so overwhelming before I drive home. (Libra sun & Mercury, Pisces rising, Capricorn moon, Scorpio Venus -- my emotional reaction try to be Capricorn focused driven triage stoicism can get through anything without letting anyone see me cry while my inner self and communication style want to be just/fair, and then my outer persona and my love relations are all fucking deep water emotions empath feel everything intensely enough to drown in it if you can't calm it which my moon sign says "O absolutely not going to drown in these stormy seas hurricane of feelings." When I hurt and I'm sad, it's fucking messy between the uncontrollable intensity of the emotions and my desire not to let them show and to conquer them rather than letting them conquer me and my insatiable need to be scales of justice fair regardless of how I feel personally or how wounded it makes me.... And then a Sag Mars in that mix -- so how I deal with confrontation is fire sign archer blunt truth speaking philosopher which supports the Capricorn approach to deal with the drowning in all those deep feels of the Pisces rising and Scorpio Venus in me.... In case you never noticed how long and hard and arduous it is for me to deal with things that hurt me or touch my heart deeply..) 

I'm relieved to have finally written a version of that email and sent it as much as I cried trying to write it and cry thinking about what I had to write and the story I had to share in it... Even if it was too long and it will be hard for her when she sees it in the morning and I have no idea what it will do within the office or if she will want to keep seeing Spock (who she has seen for over a decade) and me and Waffles in August or if she would rather I go elsewhere if I won't trust her colleague..... 

Happy Midsummer's Eve.....

P.S. Went strawberry picking this morning. June 20 is almost always the day we go actually.... So have been eating strawberries all day/night. Planning to go picking again at Carandale on Friday morning to try a different variety. Presuming they're open. 

 

So I only picked 6lbs this year, less than Sarah or even Crissy. And I pretty much guarantee they will be gone by Friday morning, just eaten as is not baked or frozen or anything. Gotta get a year's worth of strawberries into me while they're seasonally amazing, lol.

I love northern strawberries during strawberry season!!!! They're so complex and wildly different than grocery store California/Mexico strawberries