I finally emailed Erin (my vet for the last 15 years) to tell her about Audrey's death back in January that happened while she was out of office. I cried every time I attempted writing it these last five months. And I cried while writing it and it was too long but rereading it trying to edit it made me start crying all over again..... But Spock's annual visit and vaccines were supposed to be scheduled 6/18 and I couldn't schedule him back with Erin at All for Pets without letting her know about Audrey making sure she wanted me to continue with her knowing I do not want one of her three colleagues involved in future care of my fur babies due to the mismatch of our communication styles but I didn't want to schedule him somewhere else (probably with Dr. Mason at Faircrest Veterinary) without letting Erin know why.... And then I need to get Waffles into a local vet, but she's not due for her vaccines til September and her last dose of heartworm meds is August 1 so if possible I think it makes sense to take her in late August, y'know?

But anyway. I have needed to tell Erin about Audrey (I'm still receiving postcards, texts, and emails about needing to schedule Audrey's appointments for her annual exam and vaccines at the same time as Spock...) So I told her the story and why I need her to understand I would rather go somewhere else entirely than have Dr. Gallagher involved in the care of my fur babies but I like and trust Erin over these last 15 years and would like best to keep seeing her. (But if not her Dr. Mason.  So I gave her the information and asked her what she would prefer as far as scheduling for Spock and moving forward with my living fur babies care needs.... I gave the facts of what happened and I didn't throw Dr. Gallagher under the bus in that I chalked it up to mismatched communication styles and acknowledging she was walking into a hard situation didn't know Audrey or me.

That was hard to write. And it's long email, but attempts to edit it just made me cry and cry and cry tonight. So eventually I just sent it.... Because Audrey died January 21 and it was midnight of June 21 when I sent the email.... And Spock NEEDS his appointment scheduled somewhere so I'm out of time waiting until telling the story didn't make me cry, y'know? 

Bah.I'm emotionally exhausted now and trying not to cry. So I'm going to heads down get some inputting done at work until my emotions are not so overwhelming before I drive home. (Libra sun & Mercury, Pisces rising, Capricorn moon, Scorpio Venus -- my emotional reaction try to be Capricorn focused driven triage stoicism can get through anything without letting anyone see me cry while my inner self and communication style want to be just/fair, and then my outer persona and my love relations are all fucking deep water emotions empath feel everything intensely enough to drown in it if you can't calm it which my moon sign says "O absolutely not going to drown in these stormy seas hurricane of feelings." When I hurt and I'm sad, it's fucking messy between the uncontrollable intensity of the emotions and my desire not to let them show and to conquer them rather than letting them conquer me and my insatiable need to be scales of justice fair regardless of how I feel personally or how wounded it makes me.... And then a Sag Mars in that mix -- so how I deal with confrontation is fire sign archer blunt truth speaking philosopher which supports the Capricorn approach to deal with the drowning in all those deep feels of the Pisces rising and Scorpio Venus in me.... In case you never noticed how long and hard and arduous it is for me to deal with things that hurt me or touch my heart deeply..) 

I'm relieved to have finally written a version of that email and sent it as much as I cried trying to write it and cry thinking about what I had to write and the story I had to share in it... Even if it was too long and it will be hard for her when she sees it in the morning and I have no idea what it will do within the office or if she will want to keep seeing Spock (who she has seen for over a decade) and me and Waffles in August or if she would rather I go elsewhere if I won't trust her colleague..... 

Happy Midsummer's Eve.....

P.S. Went strawberry picking this morning. June 20 is almost always the day we go actually.... So have been eating strawberries all day/night. Planning to go picking again at Carandale on Friday morning to try a different variety. Presuming they're open. 

 

So I only picked 6lbs this year, less than Sarah or even Crissy. And I pretty much guarantee they will be gone by Friday morning, just eaten as is not baked or frozen or anything. Gotta get a year's worth of strawberries into me while they're seasonally amazing, lol.

I love northern strawberries during strawberry season!!!! They're so complex and wildly different than grocery store California/Mexico strawberries