O alright.  That's not how karmic bonds work,  I know I know I know.  You don't just get to DECIDE "okay I'm done now,  by-bye" - they stay til your karma (good and bad)  is worked out and both sides are ready to release each other.  I'm just very tired of expecting something good and only receiving hurt from him,  especially any time any of the girls is in any way involved in it.... Even when they mean well,  the poisons unhealed in them make it backfire in his face as soon as Liz,  Britt,  or Jessie have even the smallest influence on anything to do with it.....

And I don't see the point in the contingent precogs, it makes me angey I'm even having them as if I should do somerhing or care about their fates after everything they've done?  Why should it be expected of me to care about them any longer when their feelings about intentionally causing me hurt and pain have been made so clear by them and their choices?!  And what's even the point of me knowing when there's nothing I can do or say to shift the fate lines.  Unless it's to warn me of the consequences if I choose Dave,  but that's stupid and I stand by my decision since my birthday (turns out that insta lives can still stay up longer,  it's apparently same as it's always been unless you manually change it - you can thank the rideordiehard account for correcting me on that;  means Britt intentionally made the songwriters circle not stay and both her and Liz intentionally made their most recent indefemmedents not stay) that I'm going to internally give up on Eric ever even attempting to make things right and if Dave asks I'll say yes. The situation with Eric is beyond a mess and none of them are doing anything to fix what they've broken so it's only getting worse. I'm ready to be done with the lot of them as a result.  I genuinely don't see anything there worth me holding onto any longer.  If I'm wrong correct me,  but I don't see it any longer. What I see is Liz and Britt went out of their way to insult me and attack me over the country music causing me pain until Liz chose to block me from her personal account in May '18, Britt from her personal account in Oct '18 and someone from the official band account less than 12 hours after Britt did on her personal one.  And since then,  I've seen Liz,  Britt,  and recently Eric starting in August INTENTIONALLY use Instagram live for content available nowhere else in full knowledge that it was ostracism and the band account had been used to block and bully fans who didn't like the shift to country radio and country music.

I don't know what there is then to hold onto other than a pattern of bullying and cruelty from the girls and Eric following the lead of the bullying of the girls. I can't even listen to their music anymore.  I stopped being able to last October.  I could listen to them for a short while between when they announced they were leaving the label and when the decision was made to have Eric go live on the band insta without ever acknowledging or correcting the blocking - just ignoring the fact I responded to his stated intentions by reminding them it was unfair since someone on the account had blocked fans for not liking the country radio choices.  I haven't been able to listen to any of their songs since Eric made that choice in August.  And I have no desire to listen to ANY songs,  from any of them at this point.  I don't give a fuck about the new albums,  and I don't have any desire to go to the November shows that I already bought tickets for.  And this is how it is as a result of their choices,  their actions,  and whoever tells them they were right in their behavior is also at fault....

And I want nothing to do with anyone who acts with intentional cruelty or condones it or will take part in it if their friends try to convince them it's okay.  I simply have no desire for shitty humans in my life,  and engaging in intentional cruelty or the excusing of it makes you a shitty human.  For as long as you remain guilty of it,  continue in the behaviors,  and have done nothing to show any remorse or sense of wrongdoing for the evils you did.

So I don't want any precogs involving any of them.  I don't want to know.  Let their life paths be what they are.  I want nothing to do with Liz,  Britt,  Jessie,  or Eric at this point - they've all spent too long showing me they're shitty people and doing nothing to atone for their mistakes of the past or give me reason to believe they feel any remorse or have grown/changed. After the Nov dates,  I plan to unfollow them on all socials and not attend any further concerts and not to buy anything further than what I'll receive from my Kickstarter pledge and to let them no longer be any part of my life. Based on their choices and behaviors and the true colors they've shown over the last 2 years, that's what I want at this point. You're welcome to try to convince me to change my mind and make me believe there's something there worth holding onto,  something worth fixing - but you're running out of time and you have a lot to make up for and try to make right and you did yourself no favors at all in Aug/Sept - in fact you made it back as bad as it was all of last winter when I decided to cut Eric out of me since his sister had made it quite clear she didn't want me in her life or his. Maybe even worse,  because this time,  it's about what Eric chose to do and who he chose to be and who he heeded to rationalize him taking part in their bullying.

I took the dog out just a little bit ago - the fallen leaves in crimson and gold against the vibrantly green grass and the white shimmer from our property lights on the wet pavement were absolutely magically beautiful! Everything had such a particularly beautiful shine to it from the rain and how dark the night is.  (sunrise isn't til after 7am now you know.)

One of the neighborhood foxes came by to say hi.  It's not one I've met before so I kept my distance while we had a chat until I can be certain this one won't bite Audrey or me.  We've never yet been bitten,  but it never hurts to be polite with a stranger

I'm better now,  my migraine is gone and because I slept my shoulder is healed.  (I heal quickly,  especially when I can sleep.)  I ate the last of some chocolate strawberry love crunch granola and in an hour or so I'll make a full breakfast.

I set that last post to private draft...  My precogs needn't be for n'importe qui.  And frankly,  they deserve for me to stand by the philosophy, "not my circus,  not my monkeys" and I genuinely dislike who they have become since bringing Jessie into their lives.  Besides,  my intervention two years ago means I can do nothing directly when it comes to Ian,  Mike,  and Adam....  All of the rot in the souls of Liz,  Britt,  and Eric started when she showed up.  I doubt that's a coincidence. It never is.  And it means I wash my hands of whatever happens to any of them in that aluminum coffin..... Except Grant.  I'd intercede for him because he's on a path of spiritual growth right now.

Honestly,  if he were to ask me right now,  I'd turn Eric down.  Because it's been years now since he has brought joy to my life instead of hurts heaped on more hurts by me caring about him or trying to hang onto him.  Seriously now,  when was the last time he did anything without it somehow making me sad or hurting me?  I don't even like anything about who he's let himself become in recent years.  I don't want him in my life,  certainly not if it means having Jessie in any way touching my life nor with all the emotional baggage his sister has intentionally and with malice in her intent toward me brought into the mix.   The letting go has been hard,  but I genuinely don't want the man who would knowingly participate in advertised bullying by going live on an insta account where the girls have blocked fans to ostracize them for being honest that the country radio scene was painfully bad enough to stop you from going to shows.  I don't want a man in my life who is capable of that sort of intentional cruelty, no more than I'd want someone in my life whose response to "this causes me pain" is to gaslight and blame me for not being open enough pn the matter and then intentionally ostracize me when I continue to say "this causes me physical paib." And Eric has shown multiple times now in August and September that that's the sort of man he is now and who he chooses to be....  So, since this is what I now have to work with,  I wash my hands of him and release him from any karmic bonds inside me that I was clinging to. I can't release me from his toward me,  but I don't see as they matter much to him and so they should fall away of their own.  May he find whatever it is he's seeking on the path he's chosen for himself....

As for David,  I have no idea if he's still in a conplicated with Di,  whatever that was or is.  I do know I genuinely look forward to seeing Dave and his brother and his band brothers and getting lots of hugs from all of them on Sunday!  😁  As far as I currently know,  it's the last I'll see any of them til January, so even though this leg of their tour is absolutely ridiculously planned has them flying all over the place in a constant state of jetlag AND I've seen them like 35 times this calendar year so I've been teasing them about getting sick of me and they insist they could never get sick of me,  I'm excited!!

For the record,  not all synesthetes experience anxiety, distaste, pain,  nausea,  or vomiting from the pain of it.  There are all different types of synesthesia and plenty of people with color-music synesthesia will find certain colors in music ugly the same as in physical color theory,  but it doesn't cause them any sort of physical pain.  For others it can when it's strong enough a reaction.....  I'm of the sort that it can cause incredibly intense nerve pain to certain timbres when they vary offkey - and that includes every part of a twang that is offkey....

But not all synesthetes experience pain from dissonance.  It's most common in the forms of color-music synesthesia,  but even among color-music synesthetes there are plenty who don't ever experience pain or nausea from it.... I'm just one of the ones who can experience excruciating pain in response to certain timbres when those timbres deviate from a true note and turn pitchy....

Weirdly,  I can also have a visceral nausea reaction to voices and accents even when I don't experience most speaking voices as colorful. (three exceptions I know of: Trinidadian accents,  Irish accents, and Senegalese French accents have color to their timbre - but these are all very musical accents where the lilt in them makes them seem almost sung.)

I also experience souls/energies/auras as color,  and there are some that when they get sick in their soul will make me nauseous or cause me to throw up if I have to be around them...  I've never met a Trump supporter or genuine believing Evangelical type Christian who didn't make me violently nauseous - even if they try to keep their bigotry closeted because it isn't "acceptable" to their peers.  I actually always get sick to my stomach and so nauseous I can't eat around them.  (and that happens in the north as well as the south,  lol) Typically,  a visceral nausea reaction toward a person is due to something sick or twisted in their soul....  And yes,  this does tend to make me lose my appetite completely in crowded places and many big cities (but also small towns)  where sick/corrupted souls congregate cause me to throw up immediately upon my arrival.

Usually nausea for me is about smells,  pain, migraines,  exposure to chemicals/pollutants, or something I ate that my body is rejecting. But the pain to my synesthesia of certain vocalists can do it,  as can uncolored voices/specific accents,  as can souls that are very sick inside....

Also. Weirdly enough,  I've never had any physical instrument that's out of tune make ma nauseous. Painfully out of tune to make me wince at the pain,  yeah,  but a physical instrument has never made me nauseous no matter how painfully out of tune in the way that a pitchy vocalist will even when they're so close to true that a cheap tuner wouldn't catch that they're offkey....  Also,  there are some vocalists who can be quite a bit off a true note and not cause me pain or nausea even though they're flat or sharp. There are also certain voices (as well as specific instruments like piano,  acoustic guitar, harp,  violin,  and cello) that will actually DECREASE my nausea and can help relieve my physical pain - which is why I turn to them and put them on repeat when I have bad migraines.

So the nausea inducing when vocalists are offkey or even the slightest bit pitchy might not be due to the notes themselves,  but something in their energy that is getting melded into their timbre  is also dissonant or a soul corruption that makes even the slightest bit wavering from true cause me pain it wouldn't if their soul was healthy...  I don't know that for certain,  but it's possible....it would make sense of a quirk that's always confused me where certain people,  their timbres/pitchiness only bothers me during some portions of their recordings/live shows but not earlier or later....

My weak stomach and my canary-like sickliness from pollutants/chemicals is enough to make ye believe in changelings from the fairfolk,  non?

You get used to it the longer and better you come to know me,  lol.

*sigh* I threw up some of salad I had at 5am due to the combined pain from my shoulder and my low-grade migraine from the pressure change.  I ate about half of it before I got sick and I only got a little sick not all of it sick. Still.  It was unpleasant.

And I'm not currently hungry,  but I havwn't eaten much the last couple days and if this becomes a full blown migraine from the barometric shift,  I won't eat til the migraine passes....  But as long as I don't feel hungry,  I'm loathe to make me anything to eat...  There's always a chance after I get sick on something I might not be able to eat it again for a while....  I got REALLY sick on a bbq chicken and bacon sub from Subway (before my pork allergy was known) and couldn't eat ANYTHING bbq sauce for a solid 15 years,  even the smell of bbq sauce made me queasy.  A little over a year ago,  I got incredibly sick on some summer squash that looked fine but had turned,  and to this day I don't like itand will sometimes throw up on perfectly fine zucchini/summer squash..... I have no idea when I'll be able to eat it again,  but even the smell of zoodles now makes me queasy even with other flavors/scents that should overpower that. I've also had stomach flu of my body completely rejecting all food for over a week til it's ready and then I can only eat small amounts of rice with rosemary for several days to a week before I'm better enough to eat other things.

(this is also why I LIKE having extra weight on me,  if I get a multi day migraine or a fever or a stomach flu bad enough it's close to two weeks before I can eat real food again,  my body NEEDS some stores to get me through. Without that,  I'd end up hospitalized. So I actually start worrying when I get TOO thin.  I don't consider it a good thing.... Just in case.)

I have an incredibly weak stomach,  always have thrown up easily.  (For example: I can't drink black tea on an empty stomach or 3 outof 5 times I try,  I throw up.  Green tea,  white tea,  oolong tea,  black coffee are all fine on an empty stomach.  But never black tea on an empty stomach.)  I also throw up pills - my guess it's because gel caps are all pork based and pork gelatin is a common binding agent unless it says it's kosher/halal or unless they say they're vegan, but at this point I've thrown up so many pills thatmy body automatically reje ts them....

And I do throw up from pain.  And yes,  that includes throwing up bile due to the pain of offkey pitchy vocalists.  Most recently The High Women have made me throw up twice.  Also Kacey Musgraves,  though I don't even feel badly about that as it was a date who thought forcing me to listen to it could make me "get over" my synesthsia induced pain - instead it made me vomit all over his car.  😂 I didn't even apologize for it,  because I'd told him and warned him that her vocals caused me physical pain and he said that I was exaggerating and wouldn't change it from her album teying to get me to listen to songs of hers he thought I should like despite my ever more obvious signs of being in pain.  So I don't feel bad at all over vomiting all over his car from the pain of being forced to listen to Kacey Musgraves - he didn't listen to me when I explained my syhenesthesia and the pain her offkey vocals caused me.  And if you won't listen to somebody telling you,  "this causes me physical pain when you do it,  please stop or I'll leave the situation" than you're just an absolutely shit human to try to make them see it's really not that bad. So he deserved his car full of vomit,  and I honest didn't feel even the slightest bit bad.  Also thrown up from Rascal Flatts,  multiple times. (one of my best friends in middle school loved The Rascal Flatts - it took thrice me getting sick with them on for her to stop and another time in the car with her parents.)  Also Tim McGraw. Also some horrid bro country that's been on places and I never bothered to look it up....  Also thrown up from both Shania Twain and Taylor Swift - though they both take longer til they hit enough offkey notes to cause me enough pain to throw up. Basically,  as I've told you many times,  with my synesthesia the pain of the twangy vocals in country music is always a problem.  And if I'm already nauseous or in pain or you try to make me continue listening to it,  then the pain will get intense enough to make a mess for you as well...

Anyway,  very weak stomach.  Always. Weak enough that the smell of white vinegar would make me retch up bile as a kid even when perfectly healthy,  lol.  And any pain at all makes it worse....  So even though I've not eaten much the last couple of days,  I dunno if I want to try to make me eat this morning between my shoulder and my start of a migraine that I can tell will be full blown in 12 hours or less and will likely last most of tomorrow.... I'll drink some tea (not black tea though!) throughout the day to stave off dehydration,  but I think I'll avoid food unless I get hungry....

I slept on my shoulder funny two nights ago (the one that subluxates easily)  and even though I popped it back in the socket and currently have full range of motion,  it clicks a hell of a lot louder than usual (it always clicks doing certain movements, especially rotating forwards and sometimes when I shrug  - but not while throwing a ball) and I have a burning pain in the connective tissue in the shoulder itself (front/upper part of the ball and socket joint) and also in the lower area of the shoulder under my scapula either of which may be inflammation in a bursa from having the subluxation while I slept for so long before putting it back in place... It's really the pain under the scapula troubling me most though.....

I still have full range of motion and it's stopped hurting as much since I finally got it properly back in place this morning.  But I'm wondering if I should put my sling on to keep it in place.... At least for today.... I probably should.... If only to hold it in place. I won't go in - they won't do anything for it unless I have lost range of motion or it's a complete dislocation where the humerus head is visibly entirely out of the socket.  Not worth the copay for a visit.  (and I have extraordinarily good health insurance.  Just not worth paying it when I know what they'll tell me. And as for pain meds, I always throw up trying to swallow pills, any pills, so not really an option unless it's liquid or powder or dissolves in water. So mostly I just endure pain.)

My shoulder subluxation issues go back a long time. Started in middle school, but were made worse by the repetitive stress of it getting yanked out of the socket while leash training my puppy about 11 years ago. She's only 30lbs, but she used to pull and try to take off running when I was first leash training her.  I actually have 1/3 less the amount of protective cartilage in all my joints which is why I can hyperextend and am ridiculously flexible but also why I break my knuckles instead of jamming them and I can't run on cement or treadmills without causing my knees to buckle for several days afterward.  I love running best on wet sand,  actually - I can run for miles on wet sand along a beach with no problem - but anything more than half mile on cement or hard dirt and my knees will just collapse while I'm standing,  with no warning.   It's also why my shoulder subluxation is a problem,  especially in hot yoga classes. I love hot yoga,  but I need to be constantly mindful and careful when I do it with my natural hyperextension that I don't subluxate that shoulder too far.  When my shoulder is in as bad shape as it is right now,  I always use the other arm for her leash. I can still lift and carry things and most of the time it doesn't hurt,  just sometimes it'll subluxate while I sleep and then if I don't put it back in place right away so things take longer to heal. I also have very skinny shoulders with very prominent collar bones,  always have,  and no amount of lifting weights has ever bulked up my shoulders.

Today that shoulder is bad enough I should put it in a sling.  Give it a couple days to stabilize and heal again. can't say I will/ But I know I ought to.

So I'm not generally a covetous person, I tend to love things, and people, with an open hand.  I love what I love for the qualities that make it lovable to me, but I care more that the thing is loved or that the person is healthy and happy than that they're mine. I tend to let people go more than most people do not because I don't care, not because I wouldn't want them in my own life for my sake -- but because I care more that they be happy than that be mine. I don't feel the need to burden people with my presence unless they want, unless they make it clear to me that my absence is the burden as opposed to my presence.  As for things, I get joy from things that please me, but most of them I'd be equally pleased with something else that serves the function and I find aesthetically or sensually pleasing.

So of all my grandparent's things (now my grandmother's things, my sparrow grandma) there have only been 3 things I've ever wanted. There are many things that I admired, many things I liked, many things I loved -- but only 3 I desired for myself. There are some that I liked enough they'd make me happy to have (my grandfather's sweater which my father has, the Seder plate my grandma has because I started cooking/helping her with the Seder and Thanksgiving when I was in middle school, the giant saddlebags that were in the living room that my parents have, the old samovar from Russia that my parents also have, my grandma's weighted key digital piano I have,  my grandfather's green metal desk and old wooden chair that were his grandfather's before him -- both of which I have, the old yellow toy chest from the playroom that I've been told was my Aunt Linda's when she was a little girl on the farm and which I also have and have repainted yellow, the painted wood cabinet that was in the kids playroom and had all our books and coloring books and markers/crayons which my Uncle Steve/Aunt Sondra have, the framed oversized poster photograph of Jack who was my Uncle Jeff's dog then my dad's then my grandparents and then our very first shop dog at our family computer store that's older than I am... I also have this sentimental wish that I could have had the old tape of Giant Steps that was in my grandfather's car, even though he bought me a CD for it was the first CD I ever owned, on my last birthday he could come shopping with us. (Family tradition -- at birthdays, my grandparents take/took the grandchildren while under 21 out for a special dinner anywhere of their choice and to go shopping at any store of their choice to buy anything they want within a budget they were given.) So I have the copy of Coltrane's Giant Steps that my grandfather bought me and a nother copy I could listen to in case of scratching it -- but I'd have liked to have had the old worn out tape that I would always put in every time I got into his car. but nobody ever knew what happened to it, not even my grandma...just one of those little things that disappeared during the grief and bereavement and letting go process. I also have things I own that belonged to my great grandparents that I love for aesthetic reasons and after hearing the stories of it but which I have no personal memories attached to these items.) These are all things that I love, but that if they went to other people in the family who also loved them, I'd be okay with it.

But there are three things my grandparents had that I coveted, that I wanted for myself.

1)

2) The giant tapestry, about 4' tall and 8' wide, that hung over the daybed in the playroom when I was a child. It's a reprint on tapestry in a red velvet matte and gorgeous gilt wood frame -- but all the color is bleached out of it from my grandparents having it in the sun when my father was in high school.  It's of a 17th century bar wench and a couple musicians surrounded by wine barrels. I spent a lot of hours laying on the daybed reading in the sunshine with the tapestry hanging above me and me looking up at every time I wanted a break to think about something particularly lovely/surprising/worth thinking over in the book. And when Shauna and Sabra were very little, there were multiple rainy days where we'd sit and invent stories of the tapestry, mostly m inventing them as I was the one who always made up the games and stories and then we each got to play our own characters however we wanted in that framework and any plot twist anyone threw into it became new canon, lol. But the stories, the setup, that was me typically -- especially when they were too bored or squirrelly or overtired to focus on imagining or playing a game. I thought that when grandma redid that room to make it into Richard's office that she had sold it. She told me she didn't know what happened to it, thought it got sold since nobody had said they wanted it... I was utterly devastated as it was the third most important thing to me of all the things they owned.  When my Uncle Jeff was going through an incredibly messy divorce and I was watching his kids (the kids he wanted because he'd never had kids and she never wanted as she had 3 grown kids from a previous failed marriage but she let him reverse his vasectomy and agreed to have them to try to keep him and let him name his son (the first male grandkid, all of us 9 grandkids besides Teddy are girls) Theodore after my grandpa Ted -- then when their relationship went sour did everything she could to keep Teddy and Maddie away from him and poison them against him.... Like I said, a VERY messy divorce.)  Anyway, during the first summer he had custody of the kids as the divorce was happening, I watched my cousins during the day and gave them a structured fun summer with me and my dog and someone they loved they could talk to when they were hurting from how messy the divorce was. And then I came in to get hours in at work at night/weekends,and still went to lots of concerts on the weekend, lol. While this was happening and they still had shared assets, Gail sold all his power tools (he's a now retired construction worker and carpenter -- so these were his actual livelihood) a motorcycle he had in parts to put together he'd promised Teddy he'd wait so they couldd build it together once Teddy was a bit bigger. So he had reason to be concerned and asked me if he could put a couple things he had of sentimental value in my storage closet. two of them were carved wooden chairs that need a little TLC (my favorite of the two is the rocking chair with the Nordic wind god across it that his first exwife found and stripped the finish off and currently has some cracks but I use as is -- it's the most beautiful rocking chair I've ever seen and the most comfortable I've ever sat in) AND the tapestry from my grandmother. I teared up and choked up told him how much I'd always loved it and thought she'd sold it and it was all I could do not to bawl because I was so happy and he said, "You know what, I have no idea when I'll have a house I can put these chairs or hang this tapestry and I can never repay you for how much you've helped me and the kids this summer. I want you to just have these two things, and the other chair if you want to try to fix the broken seat on it. That makes me even happier than if I had them."

It's the third most important to me, and I already have the tapestry. As a gift from my uncle when I hadn't even known he had it....

2) The marble lion. When I was a very small toddler, my grandfather would hold me on it while I rode on it, as he did with his boys before me and as his father had with him which was one of his few memories of his own father. Nobody knows how old it is, but it was my in my grandfather's side of the family when he was a very small toddler, back during WWII. My sister never liked riding it but she loves how classy regal it is, Shauna and Sabra were too little when he was sick/died for it, and Teddy/Maddie/the twins were all scared of the lion thought it guarded the wine glasses and wine bottle that she had next to it after marrying Richard and so the 4 of them would get yelled at any time they got too close to be sure they'd not break the glass. Of all the grandkids, I'm the one who loves it. And as the youngest of his siblings, my dad loves it most followed by Uncle Jeff. My grandma had it in her head it should go to a boy because she mostly remembered boys riding it and for some reason thought it ought to go to Teddy even though he never had a connection other than getting yelled at for trying to go near it -- until I reminded her that I also had ridden the lion and showed her the pictures of it. She still wants it to go to a boy but has decided it shall go to my father and it will be for him and Miche/me to figure out where it goes from there. Jack is already getting too big to ride on it and Mo will be by the time she'd have the opportunity. Miche said it would like nice at their place and they'd love it, but not as much as me so if I want it, and especially if I have kids of the right size/age, she'd be happy to know it ended up with me and stayed in the family and only asked that I offer it to her sooner than ever sell it. It's the second most important thing to me they own.

 It's the second most important to me, and it's to go to my father and it's verbally understood that I'm to have it after him unless I don't want it.  Honestly though, after me having it, I'd love for it to go to my nephew Jack rather than any of my own kids I might have...because my nephew is the reincarnation of my grandfather, and he remembers things my sister never even knew that are memories I shared with my grandpa that he's brought up to me. He may be turning 4 at the end of this month, but in a lot of ways he's a very serious little man and it's meant a lot to both him and me for me to be able to teach and do things with him that my grandfather taught me and did with me when I was a small. child....Which is why even if the marble lion goes to me, if Jack has any interest in it I'd consider his claim on it to have precedence over any children I might have no matter how much they'd love it.... Because it was Jack's when Jack was Grandpa Ted. And that would feel right somehow.

3) The thing I've always wanted most of all is the grandfather clock. It's nearly 8ft tall, solid dark wood with heroes and lions all over it and carved all over then has a gilded and mother of pearl face and a large bronze pendulum inside. Everyone in the family loves and adores it. When I was very little, I remember my grandfather lifting me up to sit on his shoulder and opening it up and explaining to me how the gears work and how to wind it and then whenever I was visiting, my grandparents would let me carefully wind it with one of them holding me up or holding me steady on a stepstool/ladder. It's been stopped ever since grandpa died -- because my grandmother didn't know how to wind it and the one time she had me do it, the sound of the pendulum swinging and the ticking of it made her cry for missing him and for how much it sounded like a heart. So it's been silent ever since, and we don't actually know if the mechanism inside it still works. It also got some cracks in the woodwork part which my Uncle jeff has meticulously repaired as needed. And because of that, grandma always said and everyone felt it fair, that as the eldest and the one who took care of the clock itself, he'd have first right to the clock. And that was fair and right and we all agreed -- things go first dibs to children and Jeff had taken care of it these past 25 years even if it has been silent. Everyone knows how much I love it and want it, but everyone wants it and I always agreed that Jeff should get it if he wants it.

The last time grandma and I talked about the clock was about a month or so ago. And she started telling me how NOBODY wanted it. How it didn't even work and everyone has digital clocks now anyway and the heavy dark wood isn't even trendy anymore and how someone, Sabra she thought, had expected it to be worth quite a lot but after getting it appraised it isn't any longer worth as much as she thought but that she'd sell it and then split the money between the four kids evenly. I was devastated and heartbroken and tried to argue her out of it about how it IS my aesthetic exactly and I'd take good care of it and I DO want it and she just dug in her heels kept insisting this is what she'd do with it.... So I realized I was getting nowhere and shut up and when i saw my parents that evening I said, "Alright da. I have something I need your help with. You might have to be sneaky, but I think if you help me, we can make this okay." So I told him grandma's plan she'd told me regarding the clock and how upset I was over it but she hadn't listened to me over it and was going to sell it -- and I asked him to be involved with the sale/removal to find out (or to "broker" the selling to an antique shop) and then to make sure it got to me and that grandma got paid whatever she felt it was worth and I'd please borrow the money and pay him back but I refused to see it leave the family and if paying cash for it andsubterfuge was the only way then damnit I would! He promised to help me and to see where things were with grandma about it.

Yesterday, after having lunch and then taking her shopping, she told me that the grandfather clock was mine -- that my dad and all the kids know and felt it was fair especially with how much I help her out driving her around running her errands (which the kids do, but none of the other grandkids do for her) She said that it was mine even though everyone wanted it they'd agreed it's to go to me whenever she was ready to downsize move out and and that she'd just be teasing me yanking my chain the day she told me she'd sell it. (AND MY PARENTS KNEW and they all had a huge laugh at my resourcefulness for a backup plan if she really was going to be so stubborn about selling it - but my parents had promised grandma after I approached them with my secondary plan that grandma would get to tell me.) The only caveat she put on it was that AFTER it was mine, I was to get it going again, to find a clock repairman  and get the clock ticking again and to keep it in good condition and ticking. Which of course I would. I have no idea where you FIND someone who can get a clock working in the modern world, but that's a problem for me to solve another day.

I was utterly speechless and tearing up with joy and could only just hug her and hug her and hug her til I finally whispered "thank you! O thank you grandma!" We're going to keep it at her condo, in the hallway by the door,  where it's been since she and grandpa moved in there - but when she downsizes moves to assisted living the clock will come to live with me.

I'm still completely in shock by it -- I genuinely never expected I'd ACTUALLY get to end up with it as a gift from her.... And then this last month or two I've been trying to accept it might get sold and I might not get it even with my father's help to be sneaky if she DID sell it. And here she'd already decided I should have it and talked to her kids about it and they agreed out of gratitude for the care and help I gave her just because I love her......

She got me good with that one, lol. But I'm so happy you have no idea!!! I'll have to figure out how to get it working again and if it needs any woodowrking TLC, but I'm so happy right now about it!!!!

The giant tapestry, the marble lion, and the wooden grandfather clock. these three things. Never thought they'd end up in my care, much as I have always coveted them and seen precogs of them in my someday house..... But I have 1 and now 1 is promised (both as a thank yous for care and love I'd have showered on the people involved anyway) and the 3rd promised to my father of the 4 kids.... I still don't quite understand how I got so lucky....

(From my other grandma, the only thing I ever covetted was her large floor harp... And she sold it to a colleague at the universitywhen they retired moved to Hawaii. They had many many lovely things, and I have some absolutely incredible jewelry and gorgeous artwork and well-loved books that I've inherited from her and that I love and makes me think of her every time...and I have things that belonged to Rene (my great-great-aunt Irene who died when I was in high school) and my great-grandma I never met... But the only thing I WANTED from Grandma Mitsy was the floor harp I was allowed to play my random made up melodies on as a child provided I was careful and I didn't play anything that would be unpleasant for people to hear.... I can always buy me another harp at some point. But it won't be the same. No matter how much I love it, it won't be THAT harp. Y'know? It's not the end of the world, just a bit of wistfulness wish in me that will always be there.)

I found a dead bird this morning.  I feel like I always do 3 weeks before Samhain,  every year since I was a child. I can't tell if it died of natural causes,  biomagnification of poisonous herbicides/pesticides, or being attacked by one of the very territorial robins in my choke cherry rree... I know it didn't die from flying into my balcony door - there was no thunk and my windows needs me to wash them.  I do know it wasn't there at sunrise,  then suddenly there was a dead bird on my balcony for me to deal with just before 8am....  I wrapped him in paper toweling took him to the pond.  Not Tiedemann's where the dog and I go on walk -  that would have been a bit of a distance to walk with a dead bird.  Just to the man made pond full of cattails and frogs that's at the end of the cul-de-sac I live on.  The pond is literally under 50ft from my door, so all summer long if the windows are open at night it sounds like you're not even in a city - though there's a steep incline down to the pond itself.  I left the bird this side of the no trespassing sign for the condos  down there, at the top of the hill. Down by the pond itself there isn't really much worth exploring,  it's marshy and muddy and buggy and the hill can be treacherous to try to get back up when it's wet.  I really only go down there to return lost frogs that get caught in the garage sometimes.  You have a better view by the trees up the top of the little hill which is property of my condo.  There's a tree there that I'm fond of sitting under with the dog and reading and watching the entire pond from there.  It's also a good spot to watch the sunrise.

Anyway,  the poor bird has been laid to rest.  I didn't bury him,  let him go back to nature. Somber start to a morning though.

Gotta run!  Must shower and get ready and hopefully finish my book before taking grandma to run errands.  I should have told her 12:30, not noon.

So I realized something tonight,  somewhere on the drive back after seeing  Macbeth again,  this time on closing night.

Britt is having a hard time over this,  same as Eric,  same as me.

1) She doesn't WANT to be what fucks things up for Eric, he's her brother and she loves him dearly and she wants him to be happy.
2) She was genuinely hurt by my response to pitchy vocalists,  especially in the country scene.  It felt like rejection and judgement of her - and that hurt her.  I may have meant it as the facts, "this causes me physical pain and asking me to listen to it is demanding I allow you to intentionally hurt me and I can't do it anymore" but what she heard was rejection and an ultimatum that I didn't love her/the band enough to stay unless they screwed over their career chose me instead AND that I rejected her friends she'd made in the country chick scene.
3) In her circles of friends,  blocking someone is simply what you do for anyone whose comments upset you.  Cancel culture and blocking people who upset you is a core principle of asserting you are a strong woman in "woke Nashville positive vibes only white chick" mentality. The fact it's mean girls "you can't sit at our table" middle school female bullying tactic isn't something that mentality acknowledges or even sees. She literally couldn't/can't even recognize or imagine blocking someone to be an act of bullying - to her and MOST of a specific type of white chick,  it's an assertion of your own power and refusal to let someone bring down your positive vibes.  They're wrong, it's still textbook relational bullying, but it's been rationalized and the ENTIRE subculture of this type of white chick promotes it as healthy boundary setting.
4) The only thing stronger than Britt's pride/refusal to admit she was wrong is her desire to be loved and appreciated for what she gets right and the good in her.  Especially people she admires or wants to like her or matter to people she loves.  The fact she can't and won't be able to get any affection or trust from me by persisting as if what she had done was right creates a direct conflict between these two sides of her nature.  And it's a very real existential crisis for her puts her in a dark brooding spot of self loathing and wanting to blame me to try to break free of it rather than confront the cause.  But her existential crisis torn between these two dominant motivating forces being in conflict is VERY real to her.
5) I want to repeat the very first one.  She absolutely adores her brother, he makes ler list of top 5 people she loves most in the world.  She WANTS him to be happy,  wants it as much or more than her own happiness, and to think she did something to destroy that on him just guts her with guilt....

So yeah,  she's also hurting from this.  And honestly,  I ought to have realized that sooner....

She's hurting over it,  never expected my reactions to be what they are,  and she doesn't know how to fix any of this.... And sometimes her hurt manifests in lashing out in anger wanting to hurt the person causing her heartache - and mostly that's me.  But her hurt is as real as his and mine. Even when she expresses it via anger and lashing out - still that sabotaging things making it worse IS born from of her very real hurt....

And I think understanding and holding that facet of it steady inside me is important if there's any hope of healing things.  It's also fair - to try to pretend it wasn't would be a lie and cruelty toward her....

rapprochement and healing starts with seeing the other person's side,  trying to understand it,  apologizing,  and giving forgiveness as you hope to be forgiven for your own wrongs.  And that's a page everyone needs to be on to get anywhere - I won't be the one who gets in the way of that process by lying to myself about Britt's place of hurt and rationalizing on this.  💖 I'd RATHER heal this than chuck it all in the fuck it bucket,  set it afire,  and walk away.  I can't heal it by myself alone,  but I'd rather heal it...  If we can.  If they'll help me to heal this.

P. S.  Also.  The insta live story disappearing after ending it - that wasn't on Britt and it wasn't her being intentionally extra exclusionary. I was wrong blaming that on her and I'm sorry and I feel terrible I felt so upset and hurt and defensive EXPECTING new hurts from her because that's what they've now spent a year conditioning me to expect that I fully believed that accusation.  It was wrong of me and I'm sorry and I feel terrible about it....

That wasn't her.  That's a change Instagram made and I simply haven't been on it enough recently to know that.  ALL lives need to be watched as they're happening in real time,  are no longer staying for 24 houra after they end for anyone who missed them.  On every account.  Short story clips are staying,  lives are disappearing as soon as they end.  And it's only in the last couple days,  but when I've asked other users they started watching saw it was happening too.  I've seen no articles on the change,  I don't know if it's a permanent or temporary thing.... But I know it's true of insta live across all accounts right now.

And I genuinely feel like a shit person for blaming it on her and letting myself reach an internal point I could believe her capable of that intentional cruelty.... That was wrong of me toward her and I owe her an apology and to seek to make amends....  Even if she has no idea I reached that point,  I still feel I owe her my apology for jumping to conclusions and blaming her for a wrong she never committed.... Not even unwittingly committed,  she straight up had nothing to do with it,  just the first I learned of this change came by secondhand news of her having gone live but there then being np live to watch later.

And I'm sorry and I feel horrid.... And I dunno how to tell her that without making more of a mess of things,  especially if she doesn't even know I blamed her that way.... But I'm gonna start by checking myself and asking myself if I'm being fair to her or if I'm being biased as a result of all that accumulated in the last year.  It's not enough,  but it's where I'll start.  Because any start to try to improve things is better than doing nothing.  And this self reflection checking myself if I'm being fair or biased toward her is a small thing that IS entirely within my power to do to start making amends for so easily believing the fault and blame was something she did......

It's not an apology to her,  and we both owe each other a score of apologies at this point.  But it's something I can do from here forward to fix my own side of it and address my inner biases toward her that this last year created/affirmed. It's not enough,  but it's what my exhausted 3am brain has right now.  💕

O I don't blame him for being so upset - he's contributed his fair share of fuckups to getting us here same as me but he's been trying and fighting so fucking hard to fix where he went awry.  And the current situation is none of his making though it is of his perpetuating.  It was created by someone else,  done in his name and in the name of everyone in the band making them all guilty of a cruelty they never intended or initially condoned - and since then he's been caught between his sister's boundless ego-driven pride and my inflexibility on matters of principle.  And he'll continue to be stuck in the middle and everything he does will make things worse, and even if he does nothing his sister will continue in acts of intentional bullying cruelty that will destroy whatever progress he achieves, for as long as he's caught in the middle of two stubbornly unyielding wills. And unfortunately, I do not compromise on matters of justice or truth.... I'll seek common ground make peace on most things,  but never on an issue of fairness/justice or speak the lie on a matter of honest truth.

So I don't blame him for the intensity of all his emotions right now....

And I don't want a lie from him.  No matter how painful the truth is,  I'll always prefer the truth.  Even if he could lie to me about his inner state,  and he can't no more than I could lie to him about mine anything he receives via the bond, I wouldn't want the lie.  I want his truth,  even when it's intense and he's full of a mess of emotions trying to drown him.....

I just don't have it in me to knowingly heap more hurt on him with what I hear from him reaching me.... If I could,  if it were in my power,  I'd heal it in him and make him all alight with joy and hope. If I knew how to do it,  how to get there, that's the path I'd choose.  But I don't know how to get him there from where he has been brought to.... But I do know that me doing something stupid impetuous leaving him to destroy his chances of fixing this would make it worse.  So if I can't see how I can make him better,  I'm going to choose not to make him worse.

The answer is,  it may make me a fool,  but I don't know how to cut Eric out of me. And I genuinely doubt I could wuthout causing irreparable harm to the both of us....

And sometimes, it's so hard hearing what's inside of him and feel it inside me as if it were my own hurts. And right now,  he's hurting bad again and he's so anxious and sad and just.... Heartbroken over just how fucked up everything is and how far he is from what he wants and where he hoped to be right now.

And I just want to hug him when he's in this sort of state. (and he IS in quite the state right now...last day or so....)  Whenever I feel that sadness and hurt and emptiness and yearning and fear in him,  I just hold him til the hurting starts to heal and then ask him what it is needs fixing and how we're going to do it.

It makes me feel like I can't breathe and I'm going to drown choking on his emotions when they get the way they've been lately....

But even if I did know how to shut him out,  I never could while he's this bereft inaide.... My reasons for trying to go are all about not believing he cares about me and feeling that things are just too complicated now this last year and I refuse to put him in the middle between me and people/things that he deeply cares about.  But I still love him all the same and I want him to have and hold onto the happiness he seeks (even if I don't know what that is)  and it kills me to feel him as gutted as he is - the last thing I coild do with him in that state is diminish the bond and the love/strength he can find from it.....

So I'll not be doing anything drastic or precipitous. Not at this time. Because he's currently hurting,  and I couldn't do anything to make that worse or make it permanent for him....  I'm not a cruel person,  despite my strict loyalty to justice and truth.  And it's not in me to hurt him worse while he's already hurring so.

What I am gonna do now is keep listening to Penny & Sparrow,  put the kettle on for a cuppa tea,  eat some espresso sea salt alpine cheddar cheese,  then go back to reading my book.  (The Graveyard Book,  by Neil Gaiman. Hal told me I had to read it when I stole him and Crissy to go wandering Forest Hill cemetery to look at some flowering trees a few weeks ago when he randomly found me at Farmer's Market.  When I got home,  I discovered I already had it and it was on my tbr shelf right by my bed. Today it felt like what I wanted to read in one sitting.)

I do hope something shifts for Eric soon though. For his sake.  He's suffering a lot again just now,  poor love....

In the name of full honesty I should clarify something.... yes, I  DO have vision dreams and get overlay glimpses whenever he has intensely strong emotions of whatever is going on in his life and contingent precogs of what MAY be about a future with Eric -- I have since I was a child when the present moment overlays were most common during the middle of the day naptime. That's just simple truth. Well, maybe not simple by normal standards since I reckon there's nothing normal at all to most folk about vision dreams, overlays and precogs (whether immutable or contingent) but it IS simply a part of MY truth.... I won't lie about the fact that it's true.

But you should also know something. The day that Eric started dating the scorpion chick, I started having contingent precogs and vision dreams of me living in Ireland, specifically in Galway. And when I had the fairfolk block the inner bond to stop the overlays of his...emotional... moments with his then girlfriend because I didn't feel right being a voyeur of that, I ceased having ANY vision dreams or precogs involving Eric (or his family members.) That entire time,  all my vision dreams and contingent precogs were of my future with David. They stopped after I let Eric back in again and decided it wouldn't be fair to Dave if Eric was enough of an option that I couldn't put my whole heart into my decision. I started having the Irish path vision dreams and precogs AGAIN when the band started talking to people at Valory discussing joining them. And after they signed and publicly announced that "we're a country band now" I ceased having ANY vision dreams or contingent precogs involving Eric -- only ones that dealt with a future path for me married to Dave living out the rest of this life in Ireland.  I still had overlays of moments where Eric had strong emotions, could still feel the tides of his emotions in my own stillness, BUT I never once during that entire time had ANY visions dreams or precogs of any sort involving his future or my future involving him whatsoever. The first precog I had involving him (or anyone in the band) was when they were supposed to be in Vegas for the country music festival that had the mass shooting, where Ian and Adam died and Grant and Mike were in critical condition in the hospital. And I had that as a contingrnt precog and vision dreams over and over and over,  months of waking up sobbing from it, and me feeling helpless to find a way to shift it.... Which is why I sought so hard for a way to shift away from those visions around it, some way to keep them from being in Vegas had to be found for the dreams to stop.  So I found one way out and I got in such trouble for bending rules about free will and a soul bearing the consequences of their own choices they had made.....

Anyway.  One dream does not the future promise.... And that dream means there's a way to it.  Somehow.  Despite the mess that's been made this last year by the decision to block a fan from the official band instagram for being honest that the decision to have ANYTHING to do with the country scene had stopped her from attending shows because of the pain from the country music OR the ongoing ethics issue of principle of ostracism by anything shared exclusively ON that instagram as a result of that decision to block fans. That's the big mess with Delta Rae now that wasn't created by Eric but by taking part in it and supporting it AFTER knowing about it, he's now in a worse position than he's been in since when he was dating the scorpion chick and I decided to just turn away from him and cut all internal contact or karmic claim on him.

So while it IS true that I recently had a vision dream about a future path with Eric (which is the first I'd had since he fucked everything up back in August with his decision HE would go live on the band's instagram account) and I've had some nonrecurring contingent precogs about him in my future, I've ALSO had vision dreams and non-repeating contingent precogs about a future path of me with David.  It's fine to have hope after me sharing that, but it's WRONG to have false hope that it means it's definite or that I've not had glimpses down other future paths I could have that involve David and not Eric.

Vision dreams and contingent precogs are simply glimpses of the futures that MAY be down the path you're currently on, the futures that may be or are going to be if nothing alters the course and no choices are made that diverge from that path. Only immutable precogs are DEFINITIVE futures. They will be no matter what. No matter how much you love it or hate it or try to fight it, immutable precogs WILL be. Contingent precogs and vision dreams are glimpses of what MAY be.....  I've had similarly conflicting contingent precogs in the past before decisions have been made on important life path altering choices.

And that's an important distinction. I've had vision dreams and contingent precogs of my future paths with both men -- and I've had vision dreams and contingent precogs of my own early death. I've had no immutable precogs with either of them. And no immutable precogs of my potential death.

I just wanted to be completely honest about that. It felt important. That having the dream meant that path wasn't closed to us -- but it also doesn't mean it's the one we take.  It's a future that may yet come to pass -- not a certain one.

Eh nah.  Fuck that.

It's all true.  And practical.  And sensible.  And properly stoic.  And a more pragmatic balanced realist take.

But fuck it all the same.

I dream what I dream and I want what I want.  And my heart is a damn stubborn unwavering thing - it's never not wanted what I want.  Just had to try to accept it can't have that so I should look elsewhere.  But the wanting has never wavered.  Not even now.  It's stubbornly insistent there must be a way out of this mess,  a way to heal it and make it grow not wither.

So fuck that last post.  Even if it's all true.... Because if that's the right of it, it's gonna hurt like a mofo no matter when I accept it.  So fuck it.

For now,  just fuck that.

My migraine is better now, was most of the day.  Took it easy and read for a bit and had some coffee.  Then went into work to do some things in the garden then paperwork.

I probably oughtn't to have shared the last couple posts of my dreams and what I want.  I should probably go set them to private.  I was tired and September was a hard month here for those sensitive to barometric pressure as a trigger for migraines,  myself included.  Mikaela has missed 8 days of school from them...  So I'm just very tired of hurting and even though I mostly sleep through the worst of my migraines,  it's not restful sleep and I wake from it exhausted still but my body can't lay in bed anymore....  My known triggers are pollutants/chemicals, hormones (& endocrine disruptors), barometric pressure,  and solar storms exacerbating those.  Also aspartame increases the frequency of my migraines so I avoid it like the plague of rat poison it is.  No diet sodas or anything of the sort for me,  ever! Chemicals/pollutants are the big one though - certain synthetic scents can cause them instantly. I'm a bit of the canary for such things,  I wilt and get very sick at low doses of pollutants that other people won't show the ill effects for years.... I've always been that way - my papa used to say that it's because if you take a plant used to a polluted city put it in the fresh air and good soil of the country it will thrive BUT if you take a plant used to good air/water/soil and try to transplant it where there's pollution and only low quality soil in a big city,  it'll get sick and die.  He's not wrong - though everywhere is polluted now and with the jetstream so effed up and the oceans so warm,  finding somewhere it wouldn't be an issue at all is impossible. All I can do is try to mostly stay where it should be better - away from big cities,  fracking,  agribusiness with high toxicity pesticides/herbicides, oil extraction/spills, all of Appalachia where the toxic rains fall due to the geography of the states, nowhere on the west coast where the Indonesian wildfire smoke and smog from industrial production in Asia falls....  O,  and not in the path of smoke from wildfires - that I have a real hard time with too.

*shrugs* Is what it is - but you should know there is a 100% chance you'll send me to an early death if you ever try to move me to a bigger city or anywhere with high pollution rates.

Anyway.  I likely oughtn't to have let myself break down enough to share those posts....  And I should definitely set them to private drafts....  Because,  feeding that way of thinking will just make the reality hurt worse.  And the reality is 1) I'm still blocked and who knows who all else is and the band remains guilty of ostracism 2) Instead of admitting she did wrong and growing as a person, Britt justifies it by hanging out with Jessie who constantly reaffirms the Nashville white chick "positive vibes only and block out everything else" so like it's totally right to block someone saying a truth you don't want to hear and 3) I don't really have any reason to think I matter one damn bit to Eric or he cares about it - sure he hasn't done any stories or lives on the band's insta and a few weeks ago posted his stories direct to their facebook live only not to their insta at all... But materially nothing has changed in the way things are,  and he's just been MIA on socials generally and it's only a matter of time before he suppresses his own conscience again and decides to cave to rhe constant peer pressure of Britt and Jessie telling him it's totally okay and not ostracism at all.  It still is and it always will be,  regardless how many people try to say it's okay to block truths you don't want heard.

So I mean,  what the fuck has changed from them?  Nothing.  Not a damn thing (other than when Eric posted just on the fb live for the band not on their insta at all - that WAS something unusual,  something different.  And that caught my attention, gave me a spark of hope for a bit before I reminded myself nothing had ever actually been addressed or fixed and while I couldn't explain why he did it,  that didn't make it more rhan a fluke and he'll likely go back to posting on the band insta same as before not giving a damn about any ethics principles that others created but still remain true. I did see,  I did notice,  it did spark some hope in me til I reminded myself it was too small a dataset and I didn't know his reasons for the hope to be more than false hope because I WANTED it to mean he cared and realized and was trying...)

I re-read Eichmann in Jerusalem today after finishing the YA novel Mikaela told me she loves (The Looking Glass War - still need to pick up the sequels) and a lot of it was VERY chilling and prescient in all the worst ways about the state if things in the US right now and what horrible atrocities people have becone innured to..   But this quotation as Arendt was explaining how the banality of evil infects psyches shook me - and it's PRECISELY what happened to Britt (via Jessie and other Nashville white chick "posirive vibes only" scene) destroying her own conscience to no longer see the wrong she does/did by bullying via ostracism.  And it's how she talked Eric round til he agreed lost his own sense of justice and fairness hearing so many people that she (and thus the band)  surrounded themselves with telling him it's not wrong....  And it's why I'm so fucking disappointed in him falling for SUCH a middle school mean girls trap as being complicit in intentional deliberate ostracism.... This is the quote:
"His conscience was indeed set at rest when he saw the zeal and eagerness with which 'good society' everywhere reacted as he did.  He did not need to 'close his ears to the voice of conscience',  as the judgement has it,  not because he had none,  but becausr his conscience spoke with a 'respectable voice',  with the voice of respectable society around him."

And you fall for that trap, the "it's okay because people I like and consider good people say it's fine - good society says it's okay" then you'll end up on the wrong side of most of the ethical lines.  You can never never never NEVER make the ethical question itself subordinate to peer pressure telling you that it's okay because evety3one says it's okay.


But anyway.  I shouldn't let myself dream and desire so desperately that I blind myself to the facts of the matter.  I still have had and continue to have dreams of that kind and I still want what I want.... It's all still true... But it's my wants not what's real. I need to acknowledge the reality and build from what IS....

And facts are that nothing's changed surrounding the ethics principle at stake except that one night of stories from Eric solely on the band's fb,  not their insta,  which is where the ostracism morality issue was created nearly a year ago now that precipitated EVERYTHING that has gone wrong for Eric and Delta Rae since they found the courage to try to do the right thing being true to themselves instead of selling out to the country scene.  They OUGHT to be doing well in my eyes, I OUGHT to be excited for the new albums and upcoming shows and over the moon happy for them,  and Eric OUGHT to have redeemed himself after so long fucking up so he finally is setup for the opportunities he's sought.  And the ONLY reason this blew up in his face instead is BECAUSE of the injustice that was created nearly a year ago,  him listening to the peer pressure it wasn't actually wrong because Jessie constantly said Britt was right in what she did blocking fans simply because she didn't want to hear the truth they said.  It's 100% exploded like this due to this issue of ethics and principle and lack of empathy and straight up relational bullying behaviors.

And the ethics issue,  it remains an issue.  And will always be an issue with anyone on the wrong side of the ethical line who can whitewash their own cruelty and ostracism because "my friend say it's okay to exclude people." There really is no healing at this point,  no real rapprochement, not a single new growth tendril of trust or faith from me so long as you're on the wrong side of the ethic on blocking/ostracism of fans on an official band account while publicly telling people to come join the party where you've deliberately excluded people for telling you uncomfortable truths.

It's that simple. You cave to peer pressure instead of standing by actual ethics,  and you'll ALWAYS disappoint me and I'll never be able to trust you. The hurt is personal,  the disappointment is universal to anyone failing such an easy test of character.   I can't trust you or invest any of my love in you after that breach of good faith that you have basic compassion for hurting other people. Not til you show me you have real ethical lines,  know right from wrong,  and will stand by it no matter how many people try to tell you it's okay.....