My migraine is better now, was most of the day.  Took it easy and read for a bit and had some coffee.  Then went into work to do some things in the garden then paperwork.

I probably oughtn't to have shared the last couple posts of my dreams and what I want.  I should probably go set them to private.  I was tired and September was a hard month here for those sensitive to barometric pressure as a trigger for migraines,  myself included.  Mikaela has missed 8 days of school from them...  So I'm just very tired of hurting and even though I mostly sleep through the worst of my migraines,  it's not restful sleep and I wake from it exhausted still but my body can't lay in bed anymore....  My known triggers are pollutants/chemicals, hormones (& endocrine disruptors), barometric pressure,  and solar storms exacerbating those.  Also aspartame increases the frequency of my migraines so I avoid it like the plague of rat poison it is.  No diet sodas or anything of the sort for me,  ever! Chemicals/pollutants are the big one though - certain synthetic scents can cause them instantly. I'm a bit of the canary for such things,  I wilt and get very sick at low doses of pollutants that other people won't show the ill effects for years.... I've always been that way - my papa used to say that it's because if you take a plant used to a polluted city put it in the fresh air and good soil of the country it will thrive BUT if you take a plant used to good air/water/soil and try to transplant it where there's pollution and only low quality soil in a big city,  it'll get sick and die.  He's not wrong - though everywhere is polluted now and with the jetstream so effed up and the oceans so warm,  finding somewhere it wouldn't be an issue at all is impossible. All I can do is try to mostly stay where it should be better - away from big cities,  fracking,  agribusiness with high toxicity pesticides/herbicides, oil extraction/spills, all of Appalachia where the toxic rains fall due to the geography of the states, nowhere on the west coast where the Indonesian wildfire smoke and smog from industrial production in Asia falls....  O,  and not in the path of smoke from wildfires - that I have a real hard time with too.

*shrugs* Is what it is - but you should know there is a 100% chance you'll send me to an early death if you ever try to move me to a bigger city or anywhere with high pollution rates.

Anyway.  I likely oughtn't to have let myself break down enough to share those posts....  And I should definitely set them to private drafts....  Because,  feeding that way of thinking will just make the reality hurt worse.  And the reality is 1) I'm still blocked and who knows who all else is and the band remains guilty of ostracism 2) Instead of admitting she did wrong and growing as a person, Britt justifies it by hanging out with Jessie who constantly reaffirms the Nashville white chick "positive vibes only and block out everything else" so like it's totally right to block someone saying a truth you don't want to hear and 3) I don't really have any reason to think I matter one damn bit to Eric or he cares about it - sure he hasn't done any stories or lives on the band's insta and a few weeks ago posted his stories direct to their facebook live only not to their insta at all... But materially nothing has changed in the way things are,  and he's just been MIA on socials generally and it's only a matter of time before he suppresses his own conscience again and decides to cave to rhe constant peer pressure of Britt and Jessie telling him it's totally okay and not ostracism at all.  It still is and it always will be,  regardless how many people try to say it's okay to block truths you don't want heard.

So I mean,  what the fuck has changed from them?  Nothing.  Not a damn thing (other than when Eric posted just on the fb live for the band not on their insta at all - that WAS something unusual,  something different.  And that caught my attention, gave me a spark of hope for a bit before I reminded myself nothing had ever actually been addressed or fixed and while I couldn't explain why he did it,  that didn't make it more rhan a fluke and he'll likely go back to posting on the band insta same as before not giving a damn about any ethics principles that others created but still remain true. I did see,  I did notice,  it did spark some hope in me til I reminded myself it was too small a dataset and I didn't know his reasons for the hope to be more than false hope because I WANTED it to mean he cared and realized and was trying...)

I re-read Eichmann in Jerusalem today after finishing the YA novel Mikaela told me she loves (The Looking Glass War - still need to pick up the sequels) and a lot of it was VERY chilling and prescient in all the worst ways about the state if things in the US right now and what horrible atrocities people have becone innured to..   But this quotation as Arendt was explaining how the banality of evil infects psyches shook me - and it's PRECISELY what happened to Britt (via Jessie and other Nashville white chick "posirive vibes only" scene) destroying her own conscience to no longer see the wrong she does/did by bullying via ostracism.  And it's how she talked Eric round til he agreed lost his own sense of justice and fairness hearing so many people that she (and thus the band)  surrounded themselves with telling him it's not wrong....  And it's why I'm so fucking disappointed in him falling for SUCH a middle school mean girls trap as being complicit in intentional deliberate ostracism.... This is the quote:
"His conscience was indeed set at rest when he saw the zeal and eagerness with which 'good society' everywhere reacted as he did.  He did not need to 'close his ears to the voice of conscience',  as the judgement has it,  not because he had none,  but becausr his conscience spoke with a 'respectable voice',  with the voice of respectable society around him."

And you fall for that trap, the "it's okay because people I like and consider good people say it's fine - good society says it's okay" then you'll end up on the wrong side of most of the ethical lines.  You can never never never NEVER make the ethical question itself subordinate to peer pressure telling you that it's okay because evety3one says it's okay.


But anyway.  I shouldn't let myself dream and desire so desperately that I blind myself to the facts of the matter.  I still have had and continue to have dreams of that kind and I still want what I want.... It's all still true... But it's my wants not what's real. I need to acknowledge the reality and build from what IS....

And facts are that nothing's changed surrounding the ethics principle at stake except that one night of stories from Eric solely on the band's fb,  not their insta,  which is where the ostracism morality issue was created nearly a year ago now that precipitated EVERYTHING that has gone wrong for Eric and Delta Rae since they found the courage to try to do the right thing being true to themselves instead of selling out to the country scene.  They OUGHT to be doing well in my eyes, I OUGHT to be excited for the new albums and upcoming shows and over the moon happy for them,  and Eric OUGHT to have redeemed himself after so long fucking up so he finally is setup for the opportunities he's sought.  And the ONLY reason this blew up in his face instead is BECAUSE of the injustice that was created nearly a year ago,  him listening to the peer pressure it wasn't actually wrong because Jessie constantly said Britt was right in what she did blocking fans simply because she didn't want to hear the truth they said.  It's 100% exploded like this due to this issue of ethics and principle and lack of empathy and straight up relational bullying behaviors.

And the ethics issue,  it remains an issue.  And will always be an issue with anyone on the wrong side of the ethical line who can whitewash their own cruelty and ostracism because "my friend say it's okay to exclude people." There really is no healing at this point,  no real rapprochement, not a single new growth tendril of trust or faith from me so long as you're on the wrong side of the ethic on blocking/ostracism of fans on an official band account while publicly telling people to come join the party where you've deliberately excluded people for telling you uncomfortable truths.

It's that simple. You cave to peer pressure instead of standing by actual ethics,  and you'll ALWAYS disappoint me and I'll never be able to trust you. The hurt is personal,  the disappointment is universal to anyone failing such an easy test of character.   I can't trust you or invest any of my love in you after that breach of good faith that you have basic compassion for hurting other people. Not til you show me you have real ethical lines,  know right from wrong,  and will stand by it no matter how many people try to tell you it's okay.....