Well after the last post trying to discuss the depths of some of my wyrd gifts (my precogs are hardly the tip of the iceberg of my gifts, they're probably not even the most powerful -- I'm rather a lot in the spiritual/magical powers department and it's impossible to miss if you spend too much time with me or you're really sensitive to energy and psychic/intuitive/spiritual/magic energy work) I guess the only place to go from there is the most banal shallow first world problems self indulgent post I can think of (without being dishonest) so here you go. Because everyone, and I do mean everyone, is a multiplicity of facets. The shallow ego driven sides as well as the depths across lifetimes and the unexpectedly powerful things we can do, sometimes without even knowing how unusual those things are. 

My hair is at the annoying point of growing out where I feel like I just can't do anything with it and it just looks awful more often than not and I need to decide if I'm going to cut it shorter again (maybe with bangs) or keep letting it grow out until it's long again. It's actually longer than the worst part of growing out because I can pull it back but it still seems like an annoying ugly never does what I want length because my hair is curly.  Which leaves me SOME leeway in the "Dear gods, it has grown out so uneven" because curls don't do precision cuts and every curl has a different curl pattern and so I probably should schedule to go get it cut but I don't want to lose too much length on it because it's not growing as fast as it normally does. (I don't know if it's because I cut it at the wrong phase of the moon, if it's age, if it's my recent diet not eating enough protein, if it's products that my hair isn't the keenest on (I've been trying Prose which is spendy and I don't think I will continue but I don't want to use Aveda which I used to use and love because they changed the formula and it's too heavy for my hair type...) My hair normally grows anywhere from 2 to 4 inches in a month, generally more in the summer than the winter but since chopping it off in May, it's only been growing about 1 to 2 inches a month so it's still shorter than I want it to be before it gets cut next because unless I WANT a short haircut (which I don't think I want, my hair grows so fast that most short haircuts are a LOT of maintenance work) then I want it long enough to pull back. It's long enough that it can be pulled back into a half ponytail, a high ponytail, a low ponytail, and pigtails of various lengths, French braid, and pigtail French braids but if the humidity increases so the curl increases, it may not STAY in any of them except a multi layered French ponytail. And I suppose winter has less humidity so it should STAY in hairstyles better without completely curling out of them or breaking hair ties or sending bobby pins flying when the curls get tighter and the volume larger.

 It's actually only a little more than an inch past my collar bone when pulled straight even if the curls make it look shorter than shoulder length. (It was down past mid back/nipple length curl and down past my bra strap almost to my waist when I cut it off at the nape of my neck in May to bury the braid with Spock.)

It's just SUCH an annoying length right now and I feel like it always looks a mess and not in a good "curly hair bedhead" way of messy but in the "druggy wannabe rockstar who can't afford to get it cut" way of being a mess....  

 

 Anyway, I'm sure it's not going to be a long term "I fucking hate my hair so much" longterm but it's really annoying me right now and has been for the last month or so until it's long enough that it isn't just hittinng my shoulder in very uneven "is this curly or straight or some weird hybrid mix of the two" emo messiness.  

 Or rather, as straight as my hair gets -- which isn't ACTUALLY straight, it does weird curl/wave breaks and flips especially where it hits my shoulders and then still gets ringlets at the temple  

My hair actually doesn't straighten well and almost never stays straight. I have family members with more consistently tight curl pattern than mine who can flat iron their hair, but mine starts curling at the temples and at the ends within 15 minutes of flat ironing my hair even if you use chemical straighteners on it. The curl beast has a mind of its own, and I will say that one thing about growing up with curly hair is that you quickly learn that some battles can't be won and aren't getting fussed about when you lose them AND that you can never ever ever ever expect slick polished perfection of me unless you're willing to hire a team to constantly be fixing it and I allow it for the sake of the pictures. Curly hair just has a mind of its own and in my case, the more vibrantly alive I am, the bigger the pouf and the tighter the curls I get and the more likely it is that my hair is going to create enough volume and energy to start breaking hair ties and flinging bobby pins out in randomly... Like, my hair is actually very fine like a child's but when I'm happy and feeling alive, you'd never guess it -- only when I start to get exhausted and depleted and even my curl beast would like a rest can you tell how baby fine the texture of my hair is and how small a ponytail the volume of it actually makes without the curl augmenting it. I mean, curly hair types being laws unto themselves, I HAVE managed to get my hair to stay straight -- I can count the number of times on one hand and it can only happen in the dead of winter or when I visit the desert where there's absolutely no humidity whatsoever AND I have very stubborn hairstylists with the right sort of products are willing to make it happen.  And WHEN my hair is successfully flat ironed, I look like an anime character as this picture from first week of January the year after college when I finally went in to get my haircut and the stylist took it as a challenge to see if she could tame my hair...

 See? Anime character when my hair is straight. So for contrast, that was like Jan 6 the day I got it cut told the stylist she could go ahead and try it since it was super cold out and the air was super dry with no humidity at all, but this was taken maybe a week and a half or two weeks before by my cousin (who has long thick ash blonde pin perfect straight hair that can't hold a curl no matter what she does so she's always coveted my hair despite its general unruliness refusal to do as it's told) at Cocoa Beach on Christmas Day when I was spending the holidays that year in Orlando with them back when they lived there.

 

Yep. That's my hair after swimming in the Atlantic Ocean then letting it air dry with absolutely no products just heat and humidity and Florida sunshine at the winter solstice. Compared to sitting in a chair for an extra hour and a half AFTER having it washed and cut letting the stylist try to get my hair straight flat ironed in super cold no humidity to achieve the anime look of one of the handful of times my hair has ever STAYED straight. Literally, that is only one of only three times of my life that my hair didn't start curling up at the temples and at the ends within 10 minutes of flat ironing it... It's almost impossible to get my hair to stay straight no matter what length it is...) 

So should I cut bangs back in? I do actually wear bangs well when I decide to cut them (and they stay straighter than my longer hair unless it's summer humid or I'm in like swamp/rainforest terriroties.) The worst part of bangs is the constantly recutting them or the letting them grow out phase. but they do work well for me and it's been several years now since I last had bangs....

 The one thing I like best about the way my hair is growing back since May is that it's growing back in one of it's coppery-gold stranded phases at the roots and the couple inches of growing out. It has a bit of a 7 year cycle of getting lighter and darker and the gold and copper strands becoming more or less prominent in it. But also, when I'm upset and feeling emo grieving it tends to be darker same as it gets curlier the brighter my life force and gets straighter when I'm not feeling well. When Audrey was dying and then Spock got sick, it started to get some silver stranding from the stress and guilt (of blaming myself that I should have done more and that I couldn't pour enough healing energy into them to actually heal them keep them alive, just repair the damage as it got worse and take away their pain. (A stupid thing to stress or feel guilt about, but grief isn't logical and there's always some amount of guilt mixed through one's mourning.) Anyway, it was only the gold and copper stranding that lost their color from that stress and guilt, so I had a couple bright silvery-white metallic shining strands mixed in my hair for the last year or so, especially at my left temple. It was my first white hairs (and by white I mean metallic silvery strands) but in the last few months as I've come out of my time in the hollows mourning and self recrimination/guilt about what I could have done better, those silvery strands have all regained their lost color of either gold or copper.

My boobs are also extra ridiculous, even for me right now. But I mean, a bra size of 28H (30G if I can't find a 28 band size, especially small band size with large cups is nearly impossible to find -- even 30G is really hard to find as a bra size) so my boobs are pretty well always ridiculous.  Just sometimes, they seem even more ridiculous than others and recently the last month or so is one of them  I know I picked my family (and thus my genetic phenotype) when I decided when and where to be born this life but I still don't understand who decided I should have curves like Jessica Rabbit in this body. Because honestly, fucking ridiculous body type here when I'm not even trying to be hot or dancing often (since my re-fracture of my leg several years ago, it still hurts sometimes so I don't trust it for landing jumps any more) and even I don't know how good this body could look if I bothered to try.  Because I don't try, I don't even wear makeup most of the time. I don't even really own much makeup anymore -- my last life kind of turned me off of making a beautiful false face to be put on a pedestal to be worshiped and the loneliness of feeling like nobody ever saw or knew me beyond the glamour of the facade worshiped as a sex symbol. Among the things I learned from my last life is I want to be loved for me qua me not the exterior facade and I don't want to be on a pedestal because it's lonely up there -- and the only way out of that is radical honesty with oneself and others and that includes not building up false masks and faces to hide behind.

I'm pretty excited for a quiet week ahead! Tomorrow (today now?) meeting Crissy and my parents for dinner then seeing the Broadway tour of Some Like It Hot at overture. Then on Sunday planning to watch the Packers game with my mum and the dogs while my da goes weight lifting. On Thursday, Sarah asked if Mikaela can come over for a quiet cozy day of reading with me before her  evening doctor's appointment which i said was fine and then Friday I need to go check in spend some time with Henry while Crissy is up north visiting her dad to take him to some appointments. And then next Sunday is symphony day and Packers game (which my mum and the dogs and i will watch late on dvr, after I get back from symphony.) This week, right after taking my gran to her appointments, I did get some of my holiday shopping for my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and nieces so I'm feeling less stressed about needing to do that as I have some things for everyone already for my Dec visit.

I currently have all my hours in at work, so I'm about to head home and spend the rest of tonight cozy at home with my animals and reading and some tea and nowhere I NEED to be tomorrow until the evening (unless Crissy and I decide to go book shopping ahead of meeting my parents for dinner.) 

P. S. This morning, my insta decided to put Eric's posts in my sponsored content. Technically the same post, just different images in it. Multiple times. The third time it did it, I just started laughing and gave in decided, "well if the fates have decided that he's going to be showing up in my feed regardless, then it may as well be by my choice and I should help his metrics by actually following him again."