Sooooo I told the dogs,  "Guess what girls? Brian and Jeanne will be here back in Madison in 2 hours." *no responses* "Which means I'll have to go pick them up.  And you can't come with because there won't be room in my car for 3 humans,  2 dogs, and their luggage."  *Sophie yawns and rolls on her back,  Audrey winks at me* "Right.  So I'm going to finish steeping this cuppa tea then drink it then take care of you girls before I quick go to work-" *both dogs leap up excitedly,  run to the door and sit waiting expectantly* "No. We're not all going to work.  Just me.  You girls will be left alone while I go pick them up. Wouldn't you rather stay here than be alone with Billy Joel babysitter at work?" *Audrey shakes her head vehemently,  Sophie looks at Audrey then looks at me then sneezes* "Alright then. I give in. If you'd rather come to work and wait there,  that's fine.  Lemme just finish this cuppa once it won't scald my tongue then we will all go together." 

And now I've had the dogs taking turns physically blocking the door or sitting on me to make sure I keep my promise don't sneak out on them.  😂  And that's even with full bowls of kibble in the kitchen from their breakfast they never ate yet today.  😂 I mean,  I know Audrey prefers to be left there with Billy Joel music and Sophie wants to play fetch,  but this last half hour of their obsessive observation staring me down constant attached to me and leaping up every time I shift position has been a lot of attention. 😂 

Welp.  I mean.  At least I have no doubts that the doggos love me. Time to take my bitches to work and hang out with them for an hour or so before heading to the airport for some cell phone lot reading time while waiting on my parents' on time arrival. 

O mes bons dieux!!  I leaned forward to pick up my mug from the coffee table and there was an explosion of canine kinetics!  😂

 

P.S. 6:06pm addendum:

I picked up my parents at the airport, dropped them off at their house and stole peonies from behind the garage and received all the gifts my maman had for me then went to work to see the dogs and for them to come pick up miss Sophie B. Dogkins (my parents just named her Sophie, I added on the rest. because I feel like dogs should have punny full names of famous people/characters that I admire and like.  Which is why our family sheltie was named Samson by my da but everyone always called him Sam which I morphed into Samwise Doggee, and my little bear is Audrey Pupburn. And why I have renamed Sophie to be Sophie B. Dogkins. It's just a thing I do with dogs.) And then I took back outside the plants that had been brought in for the frost advisory and gave everything in outdoor planters a nice drink. Aaaaaand now I've been stuck for the last hour and a half in my personal time sucking loop of listening to Billy Joel music where I don't want to leave before a song ends BUT I have to catch right at the end of the song to shut it off or close the door because I know all his songs so well that if I hear the opening bar, my brain ids it immediately and other than a handful of exceptions that are my not so favorite Billy Joel songs (*cough* Zanzibar *cough*) I then decide "Just one more song, we'll leave when this song ends." And then this cycle repeats for hours sometimes...  And like, Audrey would really REALLY like to go home FINALLY. Wait hold up, 21 seconds to end! HA! YAS!!!! CAUGHT IT AND PAUSED RIGHT AT THE END OF FOR THE LONGEST TIME!! At the -0:00 mark right before the next randomized Billy Joel song started! Set it on repeat 1 for a pleasant surprise next time I return to my iTunes at my desk.  And now, we go home!

Here are some random ADHD things I wanted to say in the last post but moved to a separate post as post scripts because I felt that what I was explaining about the way I think and the reason I welcome being told I've got faulty/bad premises early beforehand to minimize the potential damage that running on assumptions and bad premises  can do.  That was important so I removed the distracting random things to put them here. But they're from around the same time last night as the other post. 

I'm going back to reading Tarzan books now.  I got stuck in the 6th book of short stories due some casually racist and misogynistic statements thrown in that angered me made me question why I was reading it.  Like many white male writers of the late 1800s and early 1900s, Burroughs has a lot of casual racism and objectifying women, but sometimes he's much more egalitarian and progressive than others of his era. His writing is a mixed bag of it, but he definitely has a strong vein of caste/superiority in it.  But there's enough casual racism in Burroughs I would not suggest it for children or the easily manipulated by their own latent racist preconceptions.  This 7th book is set in WWI and is about him killing Germans following the destruction of his estate, slaughter of his tribe who serve him, and presumed murder of his wife.  Thus far it's mostly a lot of anti-German propaganda piece of how Tarzan helped win the war in the jungles of Africa.  

Anyway,  back to tea and Tarzan books. My parents flight gets in tomorrow at 3 or 3:30 so then I'll be back home again.

Random postscripts from yesterday:

P. S.  Today was a Jack-o-lanterns in May socks day. Felt like All Hallows weather/energy given it was 84 on Weds then the last couple days have been rainy with highs in the 50s and lows in the 40s and a frost warning here last night,  a freeze warning 35mins north of us, and half inch of snow in Osseo.  So I put on Halloween socks today, In case you were wondering what secret self I his from the wirld under the floral lined black combat boots. 

P. P. S.  Was sending snarky selfies to the 16 year old this evening and no matter what I did,  I was backlit haloed even though outside that window all was shadows and the sun was behind a cloud on the opposite side of the house....  

This is normal for me,  it's why I don't share many selfies or TikToks or anything like that - often no matter what I do to reposition me and change the camera angles,  light just bends in wyrd ways around my auric field so some part of me is always glowing.... Most often it's around my hair or my skin,  but if I know I'm being photographed and/or for group pictures and such I sort of tighten in my energy bubble and then condense it in one particular area (often a part if me hidden under clothes) to try to minimize the number of retakes of group pictures.... And whenever I try to move my energies to reduce the random light bending through my auric field halo/luminescing effects,  it somehow always makes me look extra Elvish fae... 

See? Damn nuisance in the modern world....  And it takes me so much energy and effort to get the auric field luminosity that dimmed.... If you tend to think of me as surrounded by light or warmth,  I am except when I'm sick or injured or beyond exhausted. But it's an auric spirit thing not everyone can see visually as light/warmth (though many with even latent clairvoyant/clairsentient gifts can sense it) but always shows up in pictures/videos of me.  Been that way my whole life...  I don't know how to turn it off, just how to pull it in or move it.  It also tends to be more intense when I fritz out electronics/cell signal/wifi/bluetooth/speakers the most. So it's definitely an auric field energy manipulation thing. 

I can't zoom or skype or face time to save my life with it, even if I'm in a group of people I'm either haloed or a shaft of light no matter what angles of me,  camera, and light source(s) I try.  I've given up teleconferencing of all sorts except with people whose shit it doesn't freak out. 

I think we might be onto something when we were talking spirit animals in Detroit and I said,  "I don't know what mine is.  Everybody picks a bird,  but everyone picks a different bird for me.  The most common are swan, raven,  hummingbird, hawk or eagle, owl. And I do have connections to all these birds and they do all seem accurate for certain facets of me,  but none are all of me.  Maybe my spirit animal isn't a real bird at all.  Maybe it's a mythical bird.  Like a phoenix or a Thunderbird..." Debbie: "Well do your tears heal or do you control the rains?" Me: "It takes a lot to make me cry.  But both." Crissy: "She's just magical as fuck." Erin: "I still think peregrine falcon.  Or a wise owl. Only now I see the crow.  And the swan.  Damnit Dani! I was 98% certainly I solved it when I came up with peregrine falcon!" Dani: "Don't be upset,  I've never found one that fits exactly either.  I'm probably a mythical bird the modern world has forgotten." Debbie: "I still think phoenix is the best fit for you."

P. P. P. S.  In today's random synchronicity nudges from the Universe, when I go to send insta pics/vids to friends via dm,  the 6 people I most frequently send cute animals to are at the very top,  then the 7th person is Eric, the 8th is Mike,  the 9th is Grant and THEN start the people I only intermittently dm with.  The weirdest part?  I haven't followed any of them on my Instagram account or looked any of them up since I lost my temper with a tweet of Eric's about watching him live on the band's account back like 5 or 6 months ago.  This afternoon when I meant to share to Erin who I rarely dm on insta, I accidentally clicked send to Eric's account a dm of the video from Detroit Zoo of how much of a handful Astra is to Suka. And while I don't think he'd have minded a video of a polar bear cub play attacking her mama bear,  it would have been a weird af thing to get from someone you don't follow and doesn't follow you and the last dm is from like a year and a half ago about why going live on the band's account is NOT inclusive of all fans and Kickstarter backers to celebrate the Kickstarter ending as the tweets/fb posts/emails phrased it in inviting people to join that insta live.  I immediately unclicked send next to his profile and scrolled down to find Erin's but I was so mortified at how weird and random embarrassing that was that his account appeared 7th in my list so I dmed him a random ass video of polar bears with no comment or context that I threw my phone across the couch and swore off social media and the interwebz until the texts with Mikaela and Sarah at 5ish.

Not gonna lie,  a part of me is curious what he'd have done if I hadn't unsent that video dm, and so whenever he checked his dms frim people he doesn't follow and saw he had gotten the random polar bear video of Astra play pouncing on her mama Suka that instagram wanted him to have from me.  😂 Not curious enough to message him or search out his profile though.  I'll just be more cautious now while Instagram decides he's the 7th most likely person I want to dm cute animal posts. 

I have no idea why Eric's that high in the list given I don't follow him and haven't for many months now.  It's random af.  But it means yesterday afternoon I did accidentally dm him a video from Detroit Zoo of polar bears before I immediately unsent it.

 Thank you for attending my morning pep talk of rekindling after that most recent dark night of the soul.  I hope that you found it illuminating. 

This is probably the time to tell you that there are only two things in this life I'm an absolute complete acknowledged failure at no matter how hard I have tried: knitting and pessimism.  

(I swear I have attendant fairfolk who just placing knitting near me will snarl the yarn up just for fun.... It happens while sewing as well,  though that I can more easily unknot and fix before starting the next stitch. Most of the time.  It does not ever happen to weaving or friendship bracelet knot work,  but it does happen with knitting,  crocheting,  embroidery, and sewing that I set my hand to or that is left too near to me.)  

As for the pessimism. There's an anecdote from when I was about 9 years old of my little sister (who was always a glass half empty type growing up) accusing me during a fight of being good at everything without really trying. O have no idea why she thought that or it was upsetting her,  but this story starts with her angrily accusing me of being good at everything I bothered to try.  And me telling her I didn't know how not to be good at things except by not even trying to do them. Then she said,  "Yeah?  Well I know one thing you can't be good at. I'll always be better than you at pessimism!"  I angrily snapped back,  "I've never tried to be a pessimist" and she said,  "Well I dare you!  I dare you to try to be a pessimist! I bet you finally fail at something no matter how hard you try!" So I did.  I spent like 3 weeks TRYING to be a full on Eeyore  pessimist, bending my entire will to not find bright sides and silver linings to every storm.  And my sister knew,  and she kept teasing me about failing because despite myself I just kept finding a way to spin things bright.  And finally I was just in absolute despair that no amount of effort could make me a pessimist and so I went to her in tears, blubbering about how I just couldn't be a pessimist no matter what I tried.  I just kept trying and trying until I ran out of new ways to try to apply pessimism and no matter what I did,  I just couldn't do it and I'd never ever know what it was to be a pessimist.  And I spent a very maudlin half hour just so beyond all hope sobbing my little heart out pessimistic that I could never be a pessimist.  And finally my sister felt bad for me and she said,  "It's okay Dani.  Pessimism isn't all that great. Trust me.  And,  anyway,  look.  You've lost all hope of being a pessimist and so you've finally experienced pessimism." And I stood perfectly still my eyes lit up and I stopped crying and said,  "You're right!!  I haven't failed at it yet!!  I can still learn to be a pessimist!!  I have time!  If I just keep trying,  I'm sure one day--" At which my sister just started shaking her head and laughing til I realized what I'd just done and started laughing as well.  At which point we agreed that I had absolutely categorically failed at being a pessimist,  even in the depths of my despair that I'd never be a pessimist, and that it was simply my nature that if you give me time my sunny hopefulness will shine through no matter how bad the situation gets to find a way through to something good.  

So that's the story of my failure at being a pessimist even when I sincerely tried as hard as I could to be a pessimist.  😂  And it's how I earned the nickname as a child of "the eternal optimist" from my family.

My advice when I'm in the midst of that over-analytical fatalism is not to let me do anything stupid while I'm feeling defeatist but just allow me to feel it completely until it wears itself out and then my natural solution seeking exuberant optimistic "this side of death, you can do anything if you just choose to keep trying" will reassert itself. And usually it's far more sparkly fierce after a spell of defeatism than it would be without that renewal by purging.

Am I perfect or always act in positive ways even with my optimistic inability to admit defeat? No. I have an overly honest streak of making people face the reality of the situation to make the best possible decisions which gets me in trouble with people who prefer their beliefs/desires over truths they don't want to hear AND I have a streak of self-denying stoic martyrdom to keep going persevere through no matter what it costs me. And that's a fucking dangerous combination when I take off impulsively acting on a logical conclusion built on bad premises. One or both of these traits have been the literal death of me in more than one of my past lives.  And also,  with these powers combined, I can really fuck shit up when I decide to act on sound logic built from faulty premise(s) - you should ALWAYS call me on that if you see it happening,  even if from the outside you can't identify the faulty premise but you know there has to be one because the conclusion is somehow horrifically bad. Because if you don't call me on it when you notice it, I will likely do something spectacularly stupid even if it requires of me that I cut off my nose to spite my face.  

An example of this that is VERY relevant here and of which I have been guilty: Premise 1 - I prioritize Eric's happiness he chooses for himself over my own selfish desires.  Premise 2 - There are people and things he has chosen to build his life around which I know to be integrally important to his happiness. Premise 3 - I don't know my own value to his happiness but since I'm not in his life it must be less than people/things he chooses to be in his life.  Conclusion: I should remove myself from being in the way of the happiness he seeks when I find there is a conflict between people/things his life is built around and me.  Find the bad premise that chain of logic was built on?  It's in the third premise when I go from what I KNOW (that I don't know the value he places on me) linking that to what I ASSUME (that I don't have a place in his happiness he would choose or that my place is less than the other things he cares about) rather than sticking to verifiable/falsifiable premises. I'm still sound stating "I don't know what value I have in his happiness" but the rest is conjecture. I shouldn't build conclusions on conjecture, it should get thrown out with no conclusions to be drawn until I have the data to know what value HE places on me in the happiness he chooses for himself. Not my assumptions about it,  but his actual desires/valuation. But I spent a solid 2+ years trying to act from that conclusion following October 2018 which put a conflict between premise 2 and premise 3 before he finally got me to understand that whether or not I'm physically in his life,  OUR soul bond is integral to his happiness he seeks.  Could have saved us both a damn lot of heartache and learning lessons the hard way if someone had called my attention to the fact that my conclusion was bad because my third premise was flawed by assumptions...  

O!  I just realized that there's also an unstated bad premise to my conclusion here which is the assumed premise that his happiness is an either/or solution to the conflict instead of finding a way to an and solution.  It never occurred to me til just now that maybe his happiness he seeks requires the things in premise 2 AND the things in premise 3 so the only solution that gets him to the happiness he seeks is resolving the conflict so he can have both,  not by removing whichever in the conflict matters less to him.... It's a classic false dichotomy logical fallacy as an implicit premise...   I can't believe I didn't see that unstated flawed premise until just now. Woah.  For fuck's sake Dani,  that was real fucking shoddy work there... i'm going to have to go down an internal rabbithole of self-examination tonight (and for however many days it takes to find the bottom of it) figuring out WHY I assumed it must be a false dichotomy instead of a solution where both must be reconciled into his life for the happiness he seeks.  That's my own shadow work though, figuring out why I assumed that his happiness would require an either/or not an and solution to this conflict. 

And THAT is why I say you should always always ALWAYS check me if you think the logic of my conclusion have bad premises in how I got there... Preferably BEFORE I act based on that conclusion with the bad premise(s) and I royally fuck shit up worse.  Because the thing with bad premises (and thus faulty conclusions) is that it's as hard to see when you're tangled up in it as irrational reactions from strong emotions.  One is from head the other from heart,  but when your subjective perspective is caught up in either it's really fucking hard to see the objective reasons they're going to lead you astray if you act/react without acknowledging the errors in what moved you to the conclusion "this is what I should so."  So please please PLEASE if you are outside my head and you catch me in a conclusion built of good logic on faulty/unstated premises or unconsidered factors,  tell me I'm wrong and call me on that shit as soon as you see it!!  Call me on it so I can correct it and get to better conclusions instead of acting out well-intentioned but potentially toxic "solutions" as the best I can find from the dataset thst I used....  

So my actions and conclusions are not always Annie/Pollyanna or a Pangloss/Leibniz styles of optimism devoid of roots in realism or stoic self-sacrificing denial.  My eternal optimism is the gritted teeth,  "we're still alive so we just keep trying to find a way through and when we make it through this, that's when we get to find and create the beautiful things we only now dream of." It's the optimism of tenacity that if you just keep trying through the failures/mistakes you'll find a solution that gets you out of the dark mess into the open light of new possibilities.

Which is exactly what struggled to the surface in my (lost) battle to be a pessimist and in my pep talk this morning.  

So anyway.  The two things that I accept I am a complete failure at are knitting and pessimism.  And you should know that about me whenever I go through my doubting thomas defeatist bouts.  That I'm wrestling the doubts and giving up hope,  but they never hold the upper hand long with me. 

And you should also know that I give you permission in perpetuity to ALWAYS check me on my bad premises before I act on the conclusions I drew on the bad premise(s) before I do something improbably stupid,  impulsive,  and self-sabotaging.  Not only do I give you permission in perpetuity,  but you will have my undying gratitude if you can call out I have a bad premise to stop me before I impulsively destroy everything because I think it's the best I can do and I'll find my way through it somehow... I have actually never felt anything but gratitude for someone calling me on my bad premise or telling me something important which I should have considered but missed on my own. Genuinely, I prefer to be told "your conclusion is wrong because you missed __________" than to have someone play sycophant and let me run with a dangerously flawed conclusion.  Nip that shit in the bud anytime you see it and I will forever be grateful for you giving me more data/information before I tipped the canoe unnecessarily or sailed us into a motherfucking iceberg we'll be lucky to survive in one piece....  I am not infallible - so call me on things like that if you ever see it.  Always and always and always.  Preferably before I act on the faulty-built conclusion.  Please? Pretty please? With hugs and kisses and eternal gratitude on top.  (you can also have the sprinkles and/or cherry on top of that pretty please if you'd prefer.) 

*yawns* And now,  good night sweet dreams and all that jazz. Early bedtime for me tonight. I am le tired. 

I need to know that you will always be, The same old someone that I knew. Oh, but what will it take till you believe in me, The way that I believe in you? I said I love you, that's forever. And this I promise from the heart, mmm I couldn't love you any better. I love you just the way you are.

 O but I was just wallowing in being defeatist last night..... Definitely needed someone to bop me on the nose tell me,  "Bad Dani!  No!  No defeatism!" 

It's a new day and the sun is shining and the past is past and there's always magic in the present to change and shape the future into the one you choose!  So what if the past has its mistakes? We're here right now in the shifting changing moments in the crucible of choice - and we can always decide to choose different than what has come before.  That's the magic of being present right here in the now.   

I'm a firm believer in forgiving yourself and others for what you didn't know you didn't know, provided that once you know better you choose to do better.  

And today is a day that after talking to cheesemakers and bakers and plant whisperers and farmers of all types and buying veggies and cheeses and bread and heirloom tomato plants and pepper plants and a bouquet of peonies/sweet williams/yellow lupines, I managed to manifest Billy Joel onto the radio just by pouting that I really wanted to hear some Billy Joel. (even while knowing that was playing for my dog as babysitter while she waited at work for me to bring home the cheese and veggies and bread, so I'd get to hear plenty of Billy Joel after the drive.) Not by putting it on, simply by me wanting it desperately then finding it on the radio.  While wanting it so much,  I flipped through my programmed radio stations when the one I was on started playing some God-awful Taylor Swift song and hit commercial,  commercial, talking,  commercial, then BAM!  the opening bars of Just The Way You Are over on Magic 98!

So on a day when I can manifest me a Billy Joel song out of the millions of options across all the stations I trawl in precisely the moment I ask for one, just by me pouting and wanting to hear a Billy Joel song desperately enough,  then I'd be a damn fool to give up on believing that despite every past mistake and every present difficulty,  somehow in defiance of all rational logic there's a way in this Universe for what I want to be real and not just in the soul space and unrealized fantasies.  

So fuck that existentialist Steinbeckian "life's a bitch, face it and accept that your hopes don't fit into the world as it is" nihilistic realism! I want,  no I'm demanding, my Disney fairytale "life's an adventure of unraveling the complicated messes to persevere through to the part when you get to start writing your own version of happily ever after" magical realism! And I'm not accepting a damn thing less! 

I demand better of us! So he better damn well have something in his head to fix this and surprise me (I do love happy surprises more than I can words it - I've never met a precog or prophet who doesn't get giddy when happy surprises are pulled off) or I'll have to find a solution I've not yet thought up. Because I'm not going to let past mistakes or overthinking or stupid "be logical" fears write this life into another ships in the night tragedy of things unsaid, almost weres but never to be! Fuck that!  It's time we demand better of ourselves and I'm not here to settle for less this time.... 

And now that I've got that sorted, it's time for me to brew some coffee and cook up some asparagus with sunny side up eggs for brunch while singing myself Billy Joel songs dancing around the kitchen.  

 I brought up the past and the present not because I'm intending to do anything stupid (I'm not intending anything right now with the bond) or to publicly make a scene directly bring it up to them yet again (I've accepted they have no desire to fix this and they're okay with having the poison of their acts of bullying and lack of inclusion in the heart of their identity as a band) or that I've seen anything in the future that this affects.  I'm rehashing it to make it clear why things are the way they are in the present and why specific behaviors will receive specific reactions from me fighting him reaching me via the bond and why nothing that the band creates can or will touch me or bring me joy or earn you any positive feedback so long as these choices that create this poison are there in the band's instagram account. 

I don't intend to do anything about it except when energetically cornered and then I'll fight him so he can't reach me and drop poisons into the bond. And I don't expect them to do anything different than the version of themselves they've shown they are by allowing the bullying to occur and gaslighting it rather than acknowledging it when it's been brought to their attention.  

I'm out of solutions or things I can do to get out of this mess that my only part of the making of it has been to choose straight shooting honesty all along, including when that honesty isn't what the girls wanted to hear. I don't even have hope that anything will change here -- all I'm doing is my best with this hand I hold and the options I have within my own choices given that trying to be honest and talk about it communicate like adults not middle school wannabe queen bees got me nowhere. You can't communicate or work to make things right with people who won't even respond or acknowledge when you try to talk to them about it. So I give up on trying to bring it up to them and they clearly have no concept why it's an issue... And as a result, nothing the band creates or does will ever bring me joy or reach me or gain approval from me for as long as they choose not to face the bullying of their past and present -- and which I fully expect will continue for their entire future for as long as the band exists given their unwillingness to address it or even acknowledge it. 

I also don't expect anything to ever come into reality in this life from the bond between  me and Eric because even if I weren't having to fight him and try to blocking him from reaching me energetically every week, I don't intend to seek him out and nothing he creates or does with the band will reach me so what does that leave? A rom com expectation that somehow he'll do something beyond reaching along the bond to reach me and it will all magically work out without anyone doing the shadow work necessary to heal any possible relations between his band and me? I sincerely wish that were true. It's a beautiful dream to want to believe in. But that fantasy has too many plot holes in it for even Hallmark Channel to pick it up. There's no happy ending there without doing the shadow work to fix what has been broken and stop the poison at the source so healing can start. So i don't expect any such thing from him.... I just take each day as whatever reaches me from him or the Universe nudging me reminding me the band exists and I try to let it flow through me but not affect me and i carry on. Because i can't fix this with my options and nobody else who could fix it has ever chosen to eat crow to do the shadow work of admitting that this happened and is ongoing. So i treat it like moving through someone else's emotional spaces as an empath: I experience it, I react how I must to try to triage it if I can, and then I release it instead of holding it inside me until the next time I'm exposed to it -- and when it's super toxic, i do whatever i can to avoid spreading the contagion or making other people outside the dynamic suffer as a result of it

It's far from healthy, let alone ideal, but that's where things are at inside me and my level set of expectations regarding Eric's choices in this life and regarding anything the band creates at this point... Maybe I should have more optimism that it will somehow magically work out, but in my experience toxic behavior patterns don't get better without someone stepping up to do the work and muck out the stalls. And ain't nobody in the Delta Rae camp choosing to even acknowledge or talk about it let alone do the necessary things to stop the poison at its source thus far so I have zero expectations that they ever will. 

It's hard to have any hope things will change when you can't do anything to change it and the people who can do something about it rebuff honest attempts at dialogue won't even acknowledge the need for change exists, y'know? I'm magical af, but I'm not completely out of touch with reality based expectations.  Magic only happens with a choice to change things, and in this case even the passing of time doesn't seem to be changing the dynamics of what needs to happen to heal the mess made in October 2018 and all the poisons it created and continues to create.

But I'm also weak enough that if he won't let me mute the bond for his sake so he can be free to find another path without me tugging at him in his inner soul space, then when his love is pouring into me heady and strong I'll just enjoy it and snuggle into it and pour love back toward him.  Because I can't deny myself that much, at least not when the bond is full strength and in full flood. I'm magical af remember, that's not the same thing as being a saint. Even when more than one of your past lives have been canonized and are still worshiped by people....

For the record. I did try to let go of the bond between Eric and me and accept the necessity of that following the November 2019 shows I'd purchased back in July 2019 before the August 2019 refusal to respond or even acknowledge when I brought this matter up to Delta Rae (across multiple platforms, public and private and to personal as well as band accounts.)  I felt that was the kindest and best thing i could do for him in this situation and I would muddle through that absence inside my quiet space somehow. Because I do understand how integral Delta Rae is into every aspect of his life (family, friends, work/financial, creative expression) so I felt it was unfair for anyone to put him in the middle of these choices that were made in the name of the entire band and not dealt with or even acknowledged by anyone in the band or representing the band.  

I have done everything I possibly can to release him from the promises made so many lifetimes ago and free him from the seeking/desire for each other to reunite in this life because since what happened in October 2018 in the name of the entire band, I  cannot see a way for me to be any part of his happiness and his choices.  I have tried every way I can both by unfollowing on every social media platform his accounts and other individuals in the band I still had followed up til then and by literally trying to put barriers and blocks between our souls so that the bond won't tug at him the way it has/does. So he couldn't reach me and return to that place of love and comfort that the bond is for both of us, to force him to look elsewhere for whatever it is he's seeking for himself.  Not because I don't want to see him, but because I felt it was the cleanest thing i could do for him once I didn't see a way for anything healthy to be there after the choices made in the name of the entire band and perpetuated by them even once they were independent in complete control of their own accounts and pr. I haven't wanted to push him out or try to block his soul from reaching me via the bond and it's hurt me every time I try, but I've still stoicly done so because I felt it would be the healthiest and best thing I could do for him under these circumstances.

Every time I've tried, he's broken through and reasserted that the bond is ours, not just mine, and it's not something he's willing to give up. And it's incredibly draining on me to try to fight him and keep him out that way -- now I'm so exhausted that I really only do it when he takes active part in poisoning the bond by knowingly taking an active part in the bullying via ostracism of him choosing to go live on the Delta Rae instagram account. That's really the only time it burns that way, not when he's working on other Delta Rae related things or spending time with them, solely when he's doing stuff on the band's instagram account but it does burn acid down the bond EVERY time he goes live or uses the band instagram account where the source of the poison is.

I don't have a way to square this circle, of accepting that Delta Rae can bring me no pleasure or impress me with anything they create so long as this poison is there in their instagram account and having this strong soul to soul bond with Eric. I don't have a way to do what's healthy for him or for me in this situation or results in the happiness either of us seek. I'm doing my best, but I cannot stop the poison at its source nor cut the soul cord to him nor make other people's choices for them.  All i can do is fight him to push him out so he cannot reach me whenever he chooses to take an active role in the bullying via ostracism by him choosing to go live on the band's account where the source of the poison is.  And I do fight him and shut him out when he does it. Every. Damn. Time. Ever since August 2019 when I directly brought it up to him on his tweet about going live on the band instagram "to celebrate with all our fans and Kickstarter backers" and also in his personal account dm why that was a problem and not inclusive of all fans and all Kickstarter backers. he also chose not to respond or even acknowledge. Which is when I decided that the 3 shows in Novemeber 2019 I had tickets to attend would be my farewell to them and then I would do whatever I had to do to try to remove that bond from flowing between our souls since he'd made his choice. And every week he pushes me to try it again -- and for the last over a year, I really only know peace the times I've managed to block out the bond and the poison from it for long enough not to have to fight him over this every fucking week. 

And I genuinely don't think that's the answer, or even a healthy good cycle of behaviors, but I don't know a better way to handle this particular dilemma/pattern with what is and isn't within my options.

The simple and obvious answer is for someone to just to clean up this immature juvenile bullshit mess and stop the poison at the source. but to do that involves choices that aren't in my power to make. The next most simple and obvious answer for me to just wash my hands of all of them and walk away let them do what they want with the choices they've made -- but I've tried that and the soul bond between Eric and me keeps bringing them back even in the most random ways to remind me they're still out there and this is still a thing no matter how hard I try to just walk away be done with it/them. So I'm left having to sacrifice try to cut out of me something that matters more to me than anything else in my life just to make sure that the poisons of other people's creation don't fuck that connection up in ways that will take centuries and lifetimes to heal it... 

But neither he nor anyone else in the band should expect they can create or do anything that will touch me or impress me or get my support unless and until they clean up the poisons of their own make on their own instagram account that are perpetuated in their name.  It's simply never going to happen without honesty/accountability of what's happened and a choice to stop the poison at its source. 

I don't know what else to say about it other than to be honest about the fact that their choices to act as bullies and to endorse ostracism while claiming to make things available "to all our fans" despite having blocked fans for simple honesty is poisonous and destroys the good in everything they attempt to create and do so it cannot bring me joy or impress me or want anything to do with it. I don't know any other way than to  be honest about what happened and the consequences of it and why they can't expect any other outcome no matter what they create so long as the poison is there in their instagram account destroying the seeds from being able to germinate before you even plant them or try to build anything. And I don't see what anyone can expect me to do within the limitations of this set of circumstances other than what I've done to cut points of contact and my inability to have any positive reaction to anything they create or do as a result of the poison of their past choices and which they allow to continue even in the prsent.

 That isn't to say they can't and won't create things that are innovative and spectacular and will touch other people deeply and get others through rough patches in their lives. They have and they will.  I just won't be one of those people who enjoy the songs or who is delighted by what they create or who turn to their creations for comfort, at least not so long as this poison is there from the act(s) of bullying via ostracism nothing they do can bring joy to my heart or touch my soul.  Many people will love seeing them and what they do - just not me while acts of intentional cruelty are any part of what they allow to be done in their name and who they choose to be as a collective. 

For as long as this is true for me (or I know of it being done to any fans) for having been honest that the country music was going to make me stop attending concerts (due to the pain the twanging vocals cause me with my synesthesia) there will be nothing that Delta Rae can do or create that will get any approbation from me or make me light up incandescent with joy like I did at the 35 shows of theirs I have attended. 

This is a poison they distilled and created in their own name and have continued to perpetuate rather than clean up the mess so it kills everything that had grown and everything that could grow.  I can't fix this,  I can only be honest about how I have reacted and how you should expect me to continue to react as long as the bullying at the center of the band's official instagram account is allowed to exist and to poison everything they touch or try to create as a collective. 

As I said,  plenty of people will be delighted by whatever they create.  Just not me while this remains any part of who they allow themselves to be as a collective. For me,  everything related to Delta Rae is dead and barren and unable to bring me any joy for as long as the intentional cruelty and bullying is a part of their instagram account and an ostracized access to content exists across their social media presence.  This is about them and their ethics. And unless they acknowledge it and clean it up,  nothing they do or create can get me excited or bring me joy or get me to admire them or praise their creations again.  

This isn't any damn thing I ever wanted or a path I would have chosen, but it's how things are now. And I'll not lie to myself or anyone else about it. 

 Does this mean I haven't dearly loved Delta Rae's music, videos, and concerts in the past or that I regret money/time spent on supporting them?  No,  they have brought great joy into my life and I will never regret anyone or anything that has done that.  

Does this mean that they are incapable of creating things that would bring me joy or for the songs/videos I have loved to once more bring me joy in the future?  No,  the only thing that's currently in the way impairing that is the act(s) of bullying from the band's Instagram account and the failure to even acknowledge what was done in the name of the band and is perpetuated in the name of the entire band.  This is the sole source of the poison that has killed my delight in them and destroys everything they attempt to do or create from reaching me to bring me joy.  Everything else is still good, both objectively and subjectively, it is this principle and these actions alone that are the source of the poison and render barren all that was and all that could be. Deal with it and remove the poison and things will heal and grow.  Leave it to continue poisoning everything and nothing done in the name of the band will impress me or reach me.  

Does this mean I want anyone other than Eric or that I desire to diminish or mute the bond between us?  No,  I don't. I only desire him and most every night I lay in bed trying to sleep and I would give up anything, kingdoms and fortunes and fame beyond death, just to be able to wrap my arms around him and fall asleep in his arms.   I want what I want, and lifetimes can pass and societies change but still my heart and soul do not alter on this.  I'm just as stubborn as he is when it comes to this. The only times I fight him on it to shut him out from reaching me via the bond are when I'm cornered and all my other options require me allowing poison into the bond or when I genuinely believe he would choose a happiness for his life that he can't have so long as this bond is tugging at his soul.  Those are the only two reasons I ever pull away or try to close the bond and the flow of deep love between our souls: protection of the bond's integrity and stoic martyrdom giving up of my own desires so he can have his chosen happiness. And I pull away fight to block the connection while fighting my own yearning and desire for him - it's always done in sorrow and failure and a sense of necessity, never does it bring me joy or closer to any damn thing I want. 

That's just how this is for me.  How it's been stuck and broken since October 2018. And I don't see anything I can say or do to get this unstuck since August 2019 when they refused to acknowledge it when I tried direct communication once Big Machine forcing the country scene was out of the picture.  It's not that I don't want it healed,  I just can't make that happen without the source of the poison being stopped and I can't do that with what's in my power to do.  I can only stop the poison from reaching me,  which is why I unfollowed everyone on socials whose accounts would remind me and why I fight the bond tooth and claw every time Eric chooses to take active part in spreading the poison by acts of complicity in the ostracism and bullying from the Delta Rae account.  

I hate it and it makes me feel so sad and broken and barren inside.  But what else can I do so long as this ethical poison is mixed into everything the band touches or is done in their name? I can't see any other way so long as they refuse to communicate or acknowledge or stop the poison at the source.... So it breaks my own heart, but I deny myself what I desire and try to do it anyway to keep them from touching my life because I can't see any other way to deal with this poison created and perpetuated in the name of the entire band. These choices of theirs since October 2018 bring me nothing but disappointment and sorrow and heartache and render everything they create sterile of producing any other emotions in me....  I hate it,  it hurts me worse than anything else ever has in this life, I'm always mourning it even in the midst of other joys, but I can't see anything I can do to alter this on my own.  I can't stop this poison at its source,  and there's no healing without doing that, so I'm doing my best to amputate from me everything that spreads the poison because I can't fix it at the source.... And that never stops hurting and it's never a damn thing except acts of self-denial in the name of protecting as much as possible for a possible regeneration in the future. 

And through it all,  the only thing I want for myself is to be able to wrap my arms around Eric and feel his around me and bask in the warmth and soul shine of that deep transcendent love between us.  It's the one and only thing I want for me.  It's all I've ever truly wanted,  in any life. Everything else is filling time while I wait. 

Ugh. This evening at like 5ish to like 7ish, there was the burning down the bond again. And I don't know why but I spent the whole time fighting to block him out and to not allow anything from him to reach me down the bond  so that the poison wouldn't reach me.  Such a contrast to last night....

And I have no idea why. I just know is. 

I ASSUME that he did something solely on the Delta Rae instagram account (which is the source of the poison) but I don't know that he did and I don't know what he did -- that's just my assumption given that the decision to block me on the band's account and then gaslight rather than acknowledge the fact I'm blocked there and it's bullying via ostracism and deliberate act s of cruelty to go live or put content on the Delta Rae instagram account IS the sole and only source of all poison from him and why I choose not to have anything to do with the band at this point and have moved every shirt and mugs and poster of theirs to the back of my Spare Oom closet where I can't see any of it and why I haven't desired to listen to any song of theirs even ones that I loved dearly counted among my favorite songs by any band and why their 2019 show in Minneapolis is the last show of theirs I ever intend to attend unless or until they face and acknowledge and heal the poison of THEIR creation so it can't continue to fuck shit up.

It doesn't actually matter the CONTENT of the post or the live or the video that is put on their Instagram account. it's the principle of having done it there exclusively on the Delta Rae instagram account while having fans blocked from the Delta Rae Instagram account for having been honest that the country music scene at their shows would stop attendance of further concerts. 

*shrugs* This isn't something you can ignore your way out of or hug your way out of or charm your way out of -- you can only take accountability to get your way out of this with me. There is no way of fixing it without acknowledging the wrong that was done and continues to be done from the band's Instagram account and then choosing to make right the wrong. You can say you dd wrong and now you know better and want to fix things so you can do better and I will welcome you with love and open arms -- but you will never get anywhere with me by trying to hide your past misdeeds or rationalizing acts of cruelty. 

There is nothing that can be created by Delta Rae as a collective or that they can do that will reach me in a positive way unless or until this past wrong committed and perpetuated in the name of the entire band is acknowledged and faced and dealt with.  It doesn't MATTER that they're independent now  -- I tried allowing them the chance to say the blocking was a result of their Big Machine management when they went independent and in August 2019 they chose not to acknowledge the wrong that happened or to address the victim blaming defensiveness from their fans telling me it must be my fault as nobody involved with the band would ever do such a wrong when I brought up what occurred to them publicly in the hopes of getting it acknowledged and cleaned up. And it doesn't MATTER if they create things directly tailored to appeal to my tastes and aesthetics  -- there's nothing musically or aesthetically doesn't appeal to me about The Light or The Dark or their sound or catalogue of songs or their general vibe.  Lord knows I love me a good beer and one of my favorite things about their St. Louid shows is that 4 Hands Brewery which I love is right around the block from the venue and yes I saw that they co-created a bourbon barrel aged stout and a hazy pale ale that they're planning to release and have a free show with that release start of July, but I have no desire to go try the beer or go see them because it wouldn't bring me joy as long as this lying about the past and not facing it and continuing to act from intentional cruelty is who they choose to be as a band.  It's just all hollows with me anything they do while this poison runs through them as a collective.  I know about the work they've done toward their southern gothic musical and I adore theatre and musicals and everything I've gathered about the themes and story SHOULD appeal to me -- but I have no desire to even hear the songs let alone see the musical and mostly what I feel inside me is complete indifference to whether it's ever finished or sees the light of day or whether it's successful or not because I personally have no interest in seeing it whatsoever at this point due to the poison that runs through it. Even if I would love it by its own merits or under the name of anyone else created by anyone else, this wrong done and perpetuated and excused in the name of the entire time renders it meaningless and desaturized of all ability to give me pleasure or joy in it. . There is nothing that can be done in the name of the band or by the band that can ever bring me joy or impress me without first acknowledging this wrong done in the name of the entire band on their band's Instagram account and fixing it. There just isn't. The caliber and qualities of what they do don't touch  me with a lie and an act of bullying and intentional cruelty accepted as part of who and what the band stands for. If you stand for acting as a bully and taking part in acts of ostracism middle school behavior than I have no desire for you or anything you do to be in my life.

And this isn't about me or because it's been done to me. I would feel this way about the ostracism and gaslighting of ANY fan instead of acknowledging and dealing with it properly in a mature way. Acts of intentional cruelty and RATIONALIZING your own bullying behaviors is my shortest fuse and one of my absolute red flags lines in the sand about a person and whether I can respect them. A person who will rationalize their own intentional acts of cruelty is a person who can be made to do anything or rationalize anything. I can forgive mistakes -- everyone makes mistakes -- if you acknowledge the mistake occurred and that you're going to clean up the mess of it. What I can't forgive is the refusal to even acknowledge that you did a wrong to intentionally hurt another person. That is unforgivable. 

 

And that's why they can do nothing to impress me or give me pleasure or that I have any desire to see or have in my life due to their choice not to acknowledge that they have fans blocked from their Instagram account for being honest that they disliked the country music at their shows would no longer attend shows while the country music scene was a part of it and that rather than acknowledging or addressing that truth of the past actions done in the name of the band, they choose to host "everyone's invited except the people we ostracized" things on the band instagram account by going live there or putting content on that account that aren't available on their other free socials. And I'd feel that way if I'd seen them behave that way to some other fan I didn't know. It's about the principle of the bullying and the ostracism and the acts of intentional cruelty rather than acknowledging what happened in the past that is the sticking point. 

I don't wish them ill or want to see them fail -- I just don't want to have them touch my life so long as their touch has this poison in it and they can't do anything that will succeed with me until they acknowledge and fix this wrong done in the name of all of them.

And nothing can fix this except addressing the issue itself and the source of the poison. Anything else is like doing beach cleanups without plugging the damn leak of your oil rig that is causing the oil spill and poisoning everything touched by the contaminated water. Anything else besides patching the oil leak and then cleaning up the spilled oil mess is just continuing to pump poison into the ocean and sicken or kill everything that you touch. It's that straightforward. It's that simple and that hard. And there's nothing else that the band can do or create that will ever reach me in a positive way or get any form of affirmation from me without dealing with this past act and the coverups and gaslighting and rationalizing rather than simply acknowledging what happened and cleaning up the mess it's made.

I cannot sever the bond between me and Eric because that's an old many many lives-long soul to soul bond and it seems I can't even close the door on it for long since he can break through it to reach me if he wants to. But I will not be complicit in bullying nor will I condone it from anyone. And I will fight him like a hellcat, not caring how much that fighting to keep him from reaching me hurts me and him, to push him out and shut him out so long as he makes choices that are going to pour poison into that bond by him intentionally and knowingly taking part in the acts of cruelty and ostracism that him going live or putting things on Delta Rae's official Instagram account is. And as deeply as I love him and as intensely as I want him in every fucking moment of every fucking life, I will spend the rest of this lifetime we both have right now fighting like a hellcat trying my damnedest not to let him reach me or even touch me every time he is actively taking part of poisoning things that way. There will never be any reaction but rejection from me about choosing to take part in any act of cruelty or bullying, including middle school level "you can't sit a the table with us" blocking from the band's account because someone didn't like someone else being honest with a reaction you didn't want to hear. And you should never expect anything else from me for as long as you choose to take part in middle school style bullying tactics and allow intentionally cruel behaviors like this to be what you as a collective stand for and is done in your name. It doesn't matter how deeply our souls are intertwined mirror each other or how much I love you and I'm impressed by everything else you are and do, I will not condone any form of bullying or spitefulness or evading accountability for past actions or rationalizing acts of intentional cruelty. I will fight you on principle every damn time you choose to behave in these ways and try to make me accept the energetic poisons.

There can be no healing until you clean out the poisons and patch up the source of it so it can't keep poisoning everything. And you shouldn't expect a damn thing else other than honesty from me whenever you try to rationalize or make me accept this line in the sand I have about ethics and bullying and people who rationalize acts of intentional cruelty. 

And you're in the wrong to ask it of me to condone the rationalizing of acts of cruelty or condone taking part in ostracism bullying of others. And you're in the wrong if you expect me to bend the rules to make an exception for you -- I won't. I wouldn't do it for myself either. Id' make me face honestly what i had done and acknowledge it and make it right. I'm not asking anything of you here that I don't demand of myself and how I navigate my own choices and create my own life.

And this unhealed, unacknowledged mess created in the name of the entire band is going to keep poisoning things and keep coming up again every fucking retrograde and making bad karma and destroying any lasting joy in anything they try to create as long as they as a collective stand for what was done and continues to be done in their name on their band instagram account.

P.S.  On a completely different note. The Billy Joel song If I Only Had the Words (To Tell You) remains my forever favorite song. At least, of all the songs I've ever heard thus far, it is my favorite.  It's not from a songwriting perspective -- the chords are deceptively simple and spare with very little ornamentation and the lyrics are often quite cliche even when saying that he doesn't want to record another cliche.  But it's the one song that always hits straight to the heart of me and moves me and makes me feel all soft and warm and happy inside. It's probably good that it's SUCH a deep cut on Piano Man and nobody ever covers it because it would be an instant weak in the knees twitter-pated heart over head visceral reaction from me to hear it covered.  It's because of the theme of it, the fact that it touches on the fact that all the things that are deepest and most sacred cannot be put into words even when finding the words and storytelling is what you're good at.  The truest things are the most ineffable -- you cannot explain them, you must simply experience them. And I love that the song acknowledges that he might never be able to express in a song the depths of his love, he can only experience it and hold her and hope that she feels it -- and that that is what it is to be human.  And that open honesty and acknowledgement about the deepest feelings and truths and that it's human to not be able to put into words the inexpressible just really appeals to me at the deepest levels. So that's why it's my favorite song. Not because of its musical or lyrical artistry, but for its open honesty and authenticity and acknowledgement of what it is to be human and to feel things so deeply that it goes beyond words. 

I bring it up because the song just came on after i clicked post and is now on repeat. I'm listening to Billy Joel tonight while watering my plants at work and hanging out with the dogs (my dog and my parents' dog)

 I am doing an absolutely brilliant job at setting this private this week....  😂  Actually,  my failure is at KEEPING it private, I'm doing just grand at setting it "private to author" but then I keep having these "and one more thing" moments coming back to write a post setting it back to the normal public setting then remembering my reason for setting it private this week.  

Firstly,  The Mountaintop was a brilliant production!  2 person play that runs nearly 2 hours with no intermission and both actors staying onstage the entire time is a fucking marathon of acting skills.... This is the 6th season with APT for Gavin Lawrence (who played Martin Luther King,  Jr in this play) and he is one of the most brilliant amazing actors I've ever seen, in very complex difficult roles especially in plays dealing with racial injustices past and present.  He has brought me to tears more often than any other actor and tonight he did so once again.  (he's also an incredibly strong empath and energy reader and lightworker.)  I HIGHLY recommend this play and I bought the script (by Katori Hall) because I didn't have it and I actually really love reading scripts.  Also.  Because of covid, American Players Theatre is planning to have digital tickets available for filmed version of all their plays this season for those who can't attend in person and while it's not yet available,  I HIGHLY recommend buying the online ticket for this production of The Mountaintop once available no matter where you live.  I intend to buy it and watch the performance a second time.... 

But that alone isn't why I'm posting here. You should know about it and if you love theatre buy the ticket to watch online once available.  But that's not why I'm once again writing here.  It's because of what I had said about intending to do whatever I must to not have that burning down the bond tonight to not have that affect my shared experience of the play tonight.  (Spoiler alert: I failed at my attempted stoic solution of muting the bond,  yet was able to somehow get what I desired for tonight.  Don't understand the how/why, just know the is.) 

So,  I spent most of today hanging out with the 16 year old in my life and I made the conscious decision not to try to do anything to the bond til closer to because he's more aware of how the bond is ours,  not mine, and stubbornly fighting to reassert that and strengthen it against any diminishing. So I knew that as he's grown stronger more aware/assertive about the fact the bond is shared,  it takes far more energy for me to even attempt to mute it or block him out or in anyway dam it up. And the longer I try to hold it quieted, the harder and more energy it takes from me. 

So at about 4:45ish, after dropping the dogs off at the house for their 6 hours alone til belated dinner time,  I started the process of trying to quiet and mute and diminish the bond.  And I thought I was being stealthy and starting it so small a telescoping fade he wouldn't notice.  But he did,  immediately, like he was on guard waiting for me to do that and he started pouring far more strength into holding the bond wide open increasing the flood of love down it. Far stronger more stubborn than I could muster into doing what I didn't want to do but felt was the only fair thing for me to do.  So I gave in for the moment and internally acknowledged, "O alright love.  Have it your way. We'll leave the bond wide open full flood for now."  And so then I drove to pickup Crissy and stop at Barriques for lattes for the road.  (quad shot honey lavender latte for me - you have no idea how much I adore lavender lattes!  And cardamom lattes!)  

So while Crissy went in to order/get the lattes, I decided to try again.  And this time I really thought he'd not notice as it was such a gentle pressure of reduction I was trying, like slowly closing a draw string bag.  But immediately even that slightest pressure,  he was back fighting to keep the bond open and strong.  And finally I got frustrated sent along the bond,  "But why are you being so stubborn about this?!"  And what I got back was a rush of love and the insistence,  "This is ours,  not just yours, and I need this bond healthy and strong to be my best version of me."  Which made me happy confused intense love for him but frustrated responded down the bond,  "but I can't have this bond be a source of pain for me tonight between 7:30 and 9:30 muddying my emotional responses while I'm at a play." and his response was more love and acceptance of that.  To which I said,  "So you understand?  Just for a little while and then I'll reopen it all back full strength." To which I got a stubborn refusal and further energy from him pouring in to keep the bond open and full flood.  Which made me frustrated because I needed not to have any pain or bitterness from the bond during the play because that wouldn't be fair to the actors.   And his response was more love and a promise he could give me that without me diminishing the bond and asked me to just please trust him not do anything preemptively stupid.  So I responded from strong inner love that I'd trust him and would not do anything further tonight to quiet the bond unless I felt I had to.  

So I spent all the drive and then dinner at Culver's and the entire play and the drive back (with the most gorgeous bright full moon in front of me low on the horizon just above the forest line and hills for the entire drive back) and since getting home with the bond thrown wide open and intense love flowing along it both ways all night.  

And he kept his word after I told him I'd trust him tonight -  though I don't understand how or why it worked his way tonight. I don't understand what he did,  or didn't do, to be able to keep the bond undiminished yet not poisoned tonight.  Feels like a Seder question, "Why on all other Wednesday nights has there been poisoning down the bond but on this Wednesday night it was clear and bright and strong without any poison or diminishing?" 😂 

I have really loved that there has been nothing but strong heady love pouring through the third eye and crown chakras and nothing painful or poisoned or bitter...  Just the strength of the love and the bond and the joy of it and his elation at me choosing to trust him not fight him so he could finally get a much needed win. You have no idea how shiny and warm that happiness in it has made my soul.  I feel like my soul light is burning bright as a favorite star.... 

And.  Also.  Remember back to me saying how I need to be careful with rose quartz as it cracks through all my defenses to strengthen my empath readings and open all my bonds and make it impossible for me to act from any place but a place of love?  And how just having the small piece of it with the polar bear paw print charm in my pocket because I didn't want to leave the crystal necklace hanging from the mirror parked on the street in Chicago is what cracked wide open my refusal to even look at him in Ann Arbor because looking at him would make the leaving I felt necessary impossible for me to see through. and then with my polar bear charm rose quartz in my pocket,  the intensity of his hurt and sadness smote me so hard in Chicago I couldn't handle it finally looked at him made eye contact and the bond instantly reestablished full flood heady intensity of love.... 

Well.  Tonight I was wearing my rose quartz and pearl pendant.  At Geoscapes I bought a new silver chain for my opal and pearls pendant I designed,  but when I tried to put it on I discovered the narrow part of the clasp was too wide for the bail and in fact I only have a handful of pendants with big enough bails.  So without thinking of other consequences, I put on my rose quartz pendant I love and have lost then refound over a dozen times because the only other chain it suits is a slip type clasp that stays by itself but the weight of the pendant always opens it. Finally I stopped wearing it because I was too scared of losing the rose quartz pendant.  This is a closed clamp chain though, so not going to open that way.  And the chain's a 24" chain so the pendant on it sits  between my boobs,  directly over my heart. 

Which I didn't realize I'd done until after I promised to trust him tonight and to keep the bond wide open flowing only from a place of love. 

I mean. Yeah. So.  I made that choice at like 10:30ish in the morning to put on the rose quartz on the new chain after I showered,  knowing that it affects me that strongly to act only from an open hearted place of love and particularly strengthens the soul to soul bond with Eric.  I didn't consciously consider when I did it my intended plan for the night,  I was just trying to see what pendants had bails fit the chain and as soon as I picked up the rose quartz I had the strongest sense of rightness, of things falling into place, and an internal refusal to let go of it except to wear it.... 

I'm currently feeling/thinking I plan to continue wearing it indefinitely even if tucked into my shirt so it sits over my heart. I can't remember ever feeling so clear hearted and having my head and heart aligned in agreement without any doubts inside... And so I'm consciously choosing to hang onto that and continue wearing my rose quartz pendant to help keep me centered in actions only born from a place of love. For the foreseeable future.

*yawns* I'mma go take my contacts out because bedtime now.  Yeah.  Snuggling into that wide open full strength love soul bond and sleepy dreams time now. Bonne nuit! 

P. S.  2:02am addendum: 

I nearly forgot!!!  I found this wee little painted metal sculpture in the gift shop at APT and decided he $24 needed to come home with me! 

I'm thinking my new frog prince belongs in my glass bookcase of fairy tales,  folktales,  myths,  and sagas.  

P. P. S.  Yes I am wearing Christmas socks when it's nearly June.  Not just any ole Christmas socks though, but dinosaurs in ugly sweaters and Santa hats Christmas socks.  😂 

Because that's the sort of woman I am.  Don't worry though,  I hid them under the black combat boots so only the 16 year old, my cat, and I knew all day.  Though now the dogs and you know too. 

 For those who were wondering, there was nothing anomalous or concerning in my glaucoma exam today - my field of vision test was solid, my pressures were low enough to not be of any concern,  and my optic nerve looks healthy and good.  I am heading back in a couple weeks to take a more detailed image of my optic nerve and to measure the corneal thickness.  But really this is an excess of caution because of 1) family history of glaucoma from my paternal grandma's side and 2) the thinness of some regions of my cornea which could just be the shape of my eye as is common with people with myopia as bad as mine. It's not an active concern nor are there any signs of it at this time,  just trying to get baselines for IF I develop glaucoma in another 20-30 years or so.   It won't hurt me to be monitoring it or to have the data/images starting at such a young age - but right now there's no active concern that I have glaucoma or am showing signs of developing it.  Just an excess of caution so if I ever do it will be caught as early as possible. 

Also.  I don't mind extra eye appointments covered by insurance because at Brandon Eyes I get free Haagen-Dasz (sp?) ice cream every time I go next door.  And I mean, what's the momentary discomfort of staring one-eyed into a white light and having to press a button every time you see squiggles for five minutes followed by staring at a green x to get paparazzi flash blinded you can't blink during then do it all on the other eye when you know there's dulce de leche and coffee ice cream afterward? I mean,  there's a lot more physical discomfort than getting a vision checkup and staring into bright lights that I'd do for the promise of free ice cream.... 

In other recent news, I'm actually enjoying the Tarzan books much more than the Barsoom books.  There's still a lot of treating women as objects of desire and/or plot devices rather than individualized characters, but it's not as prevalent an issue thus far in these Burroughs books.  

Also.  I was thinking about it the other night.   And there is no time in this life or any I can remember when the bond between our souls has been at full strength that I ever doubt it. It's simply  constant knowing in me, like faith in the sun rising and the cycle of the seasons. It's only when one of us makes choices that weaken or poison or shut out the connection or one of us feels tempted to look elsewhere that the doubts and second guessing creep in.  But it never happens when one or the other or both of us have full faith in the inner connection and believe that somehow, across any difficulties or distance, we can and will find each other again. Like we both have something magnetic in us that pulls and yearns for the other and always finds its true north again as soon as whatever was shifting the needle from true is removed. When he is unwaveringly certain, then inside me there's no second guessing the connection or his desires. There's only certainty and inevitability and the pull of fate. It's an intuitive knowing. 

And everything that pulls us away from each other comes from other people or from over-thinking and fear every time. Sometimes it's about getting ahead of the hurt by accepting it before it happens, but it's still the fear that started it. 

And intuitive knowings are the crystal clear certainties that you can't prove but you do know whereas anxieties are a bit frantic all over the place built on what ifs.  If I keep hauling myself back to asking,  "is this an inner certainty or a what if questioning?" then I keep a more even keel instead of rocking the boat for no damn reason.  

I think where I tend to run afoul (other than my unbending ethics if you cross questions of justice,  of right and wrong, which is just a part of my character everyone can run up against) is that I don't love living beings in a possessive way so I don't grasp tightly to what I desire to hold onto it. Even when maybe I should.  If I feel even the faintest flutter or flicker of a desire for freedom or something else, my instinct says to open my hand let go instead of clenching down harder. Because trying to hold on to a living being that wants to be free of you causes them distress and pain - so the only reason to do it is like to brush or groom or medicate or trim nails where you have to cause momentary distress to do them a long-term good.   So even if that fluttering only exists in my head over-thinking and imagining there's a desire for "something else" whenever I feel it I try to give the space to allow free will to choose someone/something else if that's what's wanted...  It's not that there's any diminishing of my desires when I try to let go, it's that my desire for the other to be happy is stronger than my desire to keep them or for me to get my own selfish way.  I'd rather know someone I love is happy pursuing their truest desires than try to force or guilt them to stay attached to me.  

There's just a faulty premise that gets me into illogical self-sabotaging when I assume Eric's happiness or desires are something that he can only find by me letting him go removing me from his options....  And I recognize that. It's a fear of doing him harm based premise,  not one with roots or evidence.   but also, when the overthinking and doubts and self-martyring sets in it's very hard for me to recognize those assumptions for a false premise that leads to self-sabotaging with really no reason or foundation other than the "what ifs" of anxiety suggesting he wants something I'm no part of for the happiness he seeks.  

But it's always anxieties and good intentions and an over-abundance of respect for the sanctity of free will at the root of it.  Never is it coming from a place of intuition. My higher self knows beyond a shadow of any doubt what it desires and that it's reciprocated and that the only path to true healing is together.  I just sometimes fall away from my higher self's knowing and get lost in trying to do the right thing through a maze of what ifs and the assumptions they generate... 

I need more data,  or maybe just better data, in the dataset to correct this.  So I can just shut down the what ifs as anomalous don't fit any of the data I have BEFORE they spend so much time in my head I start considering letting go or sacrificing my own desires or any other self-sabotaging that comes from a desire for him to be happy without knowing what he wants/needs for that. 

I realized that given the last couple posts, this was a weird seeming time to set this to private. I did it because I mentioned my parents are out of town and thus I'm stretched between work and living in two homes. Which is a security no no -- even on an unlisted blog. I'll probably set it back to private later tonight again -- but felt I should acknowledge that it had nothing to do with anything in the posts, just me over-thinking what I said and not wanting to go back through the posts to find it.

Mostly right now, I'm either at work or at home with my cat (whose patience/affection with my absences all weekend except for short visits I'm buying off with Greenies) or at my parents house reading Burroughs novels from my da's collection. 

Wednesday, it turns out that the play is at 7:30, not 6, Crissy actually told me the time for the Sunday shows not the midweek shows. So I guess I could have taken grandma to her first 90mins lymphodema massage but I'll be a better human for the play by doing it on separate weeks and it wasn't a problem to move it. However, if it doesn't start til 7:30 and it's 1hr 45mins long, then it won't end til 9:15 and the soonest I'll get home to the dogs is 10ish.... And while they can be alone for the 5.5 hours that means, they might be happier to not be alone and I definitely shouldn't feed them dinner before I head to the play in case Sophie poops inside.... But I can't force Sarah to take the dogs that night if she doesn't want to, so I'll double check with her but probably I'll just leave the dogs by themselves and then hurry back to them after the play.  

I should also give warning that I'll probably just do my best to block out the bond that night so he can't reach me at all so that any bitterness from him poisoning down it by his Weds night choices from 8pm til 9pm (ish) won't affect my enjoyment of the play or affect my facial expressions during the show. If he doesn't get it, well, it's his choices that have forced me to this point, not mine. And I'd rather block him out than make others pay for it, especially during a performance where my face is visible because the theatre is rather small. So while I don't know when I'll do that, you should really expect it for Wednesday night (and every Wednesday night while he's intentionally acting in ways he knows (and I know he knows since I explicitly told him and he never responded) such as going live solely on the band's Instagram account where fans are STILL blocked over having been honest they didn't like the country music decision and thus are problematic pour poison down the bond as a betrayal of everything he claims he and the band have ever stood for. 

 But that isn't all that important nor am I long-term self--sabotaging. I'm simply not allowing his choice of betrayal rather than facing the wrong done in his name and the name of the entire band to cause harm to others. And that will require that on Weds, I will block him out as completely as possible while I'm at the play. I won't make other people pay for his bad choices or the consequences of them.

So if this goes back to private and you can't reach me on the bond, don't freak out -- those are the reasons.

 O right yes. Never did circle back. Sorry if there's been anxiety.

Definitely NOT intending to be brutal with myself in the near/foreseeable future. That voice is completely silenced now not prodding at me under the surface. And also, genuinely, the bond has been so fucking strong now, especially at night like when heading to bed o'clock would be. So there's literally nothing at all whatsoever inside my head/heart/soul in a contrary space or even the slightest bit questioning or pulling away -- nothing fractious or stubborn going on in me since the other night. Not even under the surface.

The "5 glasses of wine" ended up being more like 8+ glasses of wine because while waiting for the stragglers at the multi-course dinner, they just kept refilling our glasses with the French rosé greeting glass. Luckily I had a hunch about that so I suggested that my da (who didn't join us) should drive us and pick us up rather than me driving.  Funnily enough, my parents did NOT do their normal walk through service to check if things were off because my papa was going to come back to work to get stuff done before their trip out westward and thus they accidentally locked John (an employee) in and set the alarm so we had to circle back about halfway to downtown after the security company called us because they apparently couldn't just rest it/turn it off on their end. Whoops! We still got there about 5:50 (for a 6pm start and a "may arrive as early as 5:30" and then as mentioned got delayed by late comers and "forced" to drink extra glasses of French rosé from Bordeaux, lol.) It was really good -- and genuinely the artichoke dip course was probably the best artichoke dip I've had in my life! They used fresh artichokes (not canned or pickled) that they then simmer in garlic and white wine (as opposed to just mixing direct from can/glass into cream cheese) before mixing with cream cheese, topping with Gruyère and fresh parmesan and panko breadcrumbs then baking the terrines. It was so good!!! 

And then, I was talking to the owner who also attends and helps serve and chat with guests at their wine dinners at Porta Bella's (this was the first of theirs we've attended -- but their price point is $65 for 4 courses and 5 glasses of wine, so very reasonable) to ask about when he thought they'd have a menu for their next multi course wine paired dinner dinner which is June 16th and mentioned my pork allergy to him. And he reassured me that they RARELY have pork in their paired dinners and that even in the regular menu, they actually only have pork in the porta salad, the 3 meat cannelloni, and their house bolognese sauce (all of which I'd assumed and/or previously asked about) but that if they ever DO have pork in it if we call and talk to him he can make certain to sub out for me or anyone for dietary restrictions. Which was good to know. Also learned that he grew up on an Irish farm, then went to culinary school in Louisiana (thus why the mid-summer meal they do is a family style seafood bake) then came back up here and had to tease his mam about her food being bland and has been married into the Italian family and in charge of Porta Bella's for over 45 years and was their head chef under his wife's nana overseeing the recipes for like 10 years before then -- and so long as we always make sure to mention the pork allergy, he can make sure that the kitchen/staff takes it seriously for me if there ever does happen to be any in the wine dinner menus. But again, he said that's rare -- he tends to stick to seafood or beef for them. (this one was seafood cannelloni with shrimp, scallops, and crab.) 

Also, he took a voluntary hands raised poll to ask "how many people here tonight are vaccinated?" and everyone raised their hands including all his staff (there was a huge push and private vax clinics setup by Food Fight and other local restaurant owners/chefs to try to get everyone within the restaurant industry in town vaccinated as a priority as soon as they were allowed by the group/tier system.) and then he asked "who isn't yet vaccinated?" and only 2 girls at the same table left their hands up but then their friends laughed and said, "No but you are" and it turned out they were just drunk (this was after the main course, before the triple chocolate cheesecake and glass of branchetto) so they misheard but were fully vaxxed. Which doesn't surprise me, Dane County is like at 60% of the county has had full doses/course of vax and Madison is at like 92% of eligible have had at least one dose and like 78% have had both (we actually were one of the places approved for the testing of 12-15 yo to fast track the approval because of how many 16+ yo were already vaccinated and not wanting to waste doses.  So even our numbers for 12-15 year olds are ridiculously high.)  This obvs will fluctuate again in the fall when students return and wherever the latest crop of freshmen are from, but the data in Madison is actually very good as far as nearly everyone is vaccinated. And most of our covid hospitalization cases are actually brought in to the hospitals here from more rural areas and it's been that way for most of the last year so we've had inflated numbers of hospitalized cases in Madison hospitals versus cases of Dane County residents in hospital. Which is statistically confusing, but makes sense as this is where godo hospital care and beds are compared to the rural hospitals in Wisconsin.

I mean, the rest of WI has pockets of anti-vaxxing trumpies so there are plenty of other places (even the western burbs of Milwaukee) that I still consider problematic wouldn't want to eat in a crowded space around even with our state numbers being over 54% having both doses -- but Madison is as always a weird bubble of progressivism and hippies and students/profs so my concerns in Madison are far lower than my concerns at airports or in rural areas or in a lot of other cities/states.

So that was fun and good and I enjoyed sharing a meal and sharing the joie de vivre of good meal and wine in the company of strangers all sharing the same multi course meal with wine pairings (or beer pairiings or whiskey pairings.) There is a particular joy in that shared experience of multi course dining... When the menu is okay for me with my pork allergy, lol. 

And then today I came in at lunchish and then got my parents to the airport. And now I have both dogs sleeping on either side of me, lol. Eventually we'll head to my parents house. And then my plan is to leave them there while I Farmer's Market then pickup dog food and cat food (the local store I typically buy from, tabby & Jack's, is having a sidewalk sale event and it includes $3 off every bag of Fromm dog and cat food and since that's what I buy, I decided they could wait til Friday and save me the $6. Also need to schedule my dog's summer cut while I'm there.  And her summer cut will definitely cost me more than the $6 saved -- but also is necessary as she overheats when it gets toooo hot for her long hair, even without an undercoat.)  Then home to change and spend some time with my lonely cat before picking up the dogs and back at work to get some plants in the front bed, thin the peas in the raised box, and get some weeding/mulching done in the front bed between the rain/thunderstorm spells. I thought about doing some of my needed gardening today, but then I thought better about it because I didn't dress for the amount of muddy I would get after more rains on the third day of rains (next 2-3 days also intermittently rainy/stormy).... Because, as you can see below, bright white sparkly unicorn would be a TERRIBLE idea when combined with super muddy gardening tasks. I mean, I've work white while gardening before, but I really didn't feel the need to destroy this one -- it's one of my favorite kids section of target tees, lol.

Yeah, my curls are extra crazy and frizzy and full of ringlets right now -- multiple days of rain in the upper 70s/low 80s will do that. And also, trying to get angles that aren't just all boobs or cleavage to show off a shirt is pretty much impossible to selfie when you have tiny shoulders and a 28G bra size.... Because, like, the boobs ARE ridiculous, but underneath them I actually have a very tiny ribcage and am small across my shoulder blades so trying to get things to fit (especially dresses -- and we don't even consider button downs or buttoning up my cardigans across the boobs sort because there's no way NOT to get gapes between the buttons where my boobs are, no matter how oversized it is) without any type of custom tailoring (which I can't afford) is really really fucking hard. We're not even going to talk about how low cut anything but crew necks is or how much cleavage even a v cut or boat neck ends up showing and a lot of times I just don't want to deal with the unsolicited unwanted attention that my cleavage gets, lol.  And also, then you put very cartoonishly large boobs on that short waisted small ribcage with tiny shoulders and trying to get pictures of the cool design on your shirt is really ridiculously hard. Much harder than you'd guess if you've never tried it. because some part of the design is ALWAYS in boob shadow..... But, it does make me laugh whenever I decide to try it, so at least there's laughter in the attempts even if my overly large anime eyes always turn into little moons whenever I laugh, y'know?

Sunday I also have some more gardening tasks to do (weather dependent) and will be juggling dogs and visiting my cat.  But throughout the week it's relatively easy as I can drop the dogs off to be at work with the humans while i give my cat attention and then figure out work v house for evenings/night. I may also come in to work some during the day if they need extra humans for lunch o'clock.  Weekends are when the juggling is hardest when my parents go away and usually just means me leaving the dogs together without human supervision for several hours.  And likely while I'm at APT, the dogs will be left alone for several hours at the house rather than go to Sarah's overnight as she's said Audrey's fine but Sophie chases the cat in the middle of the night and so is NOT fine as an overnight house guest. Mais on verra. Also, though, it's The Mountaintop which is at 7:30 (Crissy told me 6, but it's 7:30) with a 1hr 45mins runtime with no intermissions and then the 45mins drive.

Also, my parents get back the 31st, so this isn't so bad except that it's across 2 weekends which is when it's hardest for me to carve out time with my cat without leaving the dogs alone.....but whatevs.