Does this mean I haven't dearly loved Delta Rae's music, videos, and concerts in the past or that I regret money/time spent on supporting them?  No,  they have brought great joy into my life and I will never regret anyone or anything that has done that.  

Does this mean that they are incapable of creating things that would bring me joy or for the songs/videos I have loved to once more bring me joy in the future?  No,  the only thing that's currently in the way impairing that is the act(s) of bullying from the band's Instagram account and the failure to even acknowledge what was done in the name of the band and is perpetuated in the name of the entire band.  This is the sole source of the poison that has killed my delight in them and destroys everything they attempt to do or create from reaching me to bring me joy.  Everything else is still good, both objectively and subjectively, it is this principle and these actions alone that are the source of the poison and render barren all that was and all that could be. Deal with it and remove the poison and things will heal and grow.  Leave it to continue poisoning everything and nothing done in the name of the band will impress me or reach me.  

Does this mean I want anyone other than Eric or that I desire to diminish or mute the bond between us?  No,  I don't. I only desire him and most every night I lay in bed trying to sleep and I would give up anything, kingdoms and fortunes and fame beyond death, just to be able to wrap my arms around him and fall asleep in his arms.   I want what I want, and lifetimes can pass and societies change but still my heart and soul do not alter on this.  I'm just as stubborn as he is when it comes to this. The only times I fight him on it to shut him out from reaching me via the bond are when I'm cornered and all my other options require me allowing poison into the bond or when I genuinely believe he would choose a happiness for his life that he can't have so long as this bond is tugging at his soul.  Those are the only two reasons I ever pull away or try to close the bond and the flow of deep love between our souls: protection of the bond's integrity and stoic martyrdom giving up of my own desires so he can have his chosen happiness. And I pull away fight to block the connection while fighting my own yearning and desire for him - it's always done in sorrow and failure and a sense of necessity, never does it bring me joy or closer to any damn thing I want. 

That's just how this is for me.  How it's been stuck and broken since October 2018. And I don't see anything I can say or do to get this unstuck since August 2019 when they refused to acknowledge it when I tried direct communication once Big Machine forcing the country scene was out of the picture.  It's not that I don't want it healed,  I just can't make that happen without the source of the poison being stopped and I can't do that with what's in my power to do.  I can only stop the poison from reaching me,  which is why I unfollowed everyone on socials whose accounts would remind me and why I fight the bond tooth and claw every time Eric chooses to take active part in spreading the poison by acts of complicity in the ostracism and bullying from the Delta Rae account.  

I hate it and it makes me feel so sad and broken and barren inside.  But what else can I do so long as this ethical poison is mixed into everything the band touches or is done in their name? I can't see any other way so long as they refuse to communicate or acknowledge or stop the poison at the source.... So it breaks my own heart, but I deny myself what I desire and try to do it anyway to keep them from touching my life because I can't see any other way to deal with this poison created and perpetuated in the name of the entire band. These choices of theirs since October 2018 bring me nothing but disappointment and sorrow and heartache and render everything they create sterile of producing any other emotions in me....  I hate it,  it hurts me worse than anything else ever has in this life, I'm always mourning it even in the midst of other joys, but I can't see anything I can do to alter this on my own.  I can't stop this poison at its source,  and there's no healing without doing that, so I'm doing my best to amputate from me everything that spreads the poison because I can't fix it at the source.... And that never stops hurting and it's never a damn thing except acts of self-denial in the name of protecting as much as possible for a possible regeneration in the future. 

And through it all,  the only thing I want for myself is to be able to wrap my arms around Eric and feel his around me and bask in the warmth and soul shine of that deep transcendent love between us.  It's the one and only thing I want for me.  It's all I've ever truly wanted,  in any life. Everything else is filling time while I wait.