Ugh. This evening at like 5ish to like 7ish, there was the burning down the bond again. And I don't know why but I spent the whole time fighting to block him out and to not allow anything from him to reach me down the bond  so that the poison wouldn't reach me.  Such a contrast to last night....

And I have no idea why. I just know is. 

I ASSUME that he did something solely on the Delta Rae instagram account (which is the source of the poison) but I don't know that he did and I don't know what he did -- that's just my assumption given that the decision to block me on the band's account and then gaslight rather than acknowledge the fact I'm blocked there and it's bullying via ostracism and deliberate act s of cruelty to go live or put content on the Delta Rae instagram account IS the sole and only source of all poison from him and why I choose not to have anything to do with the band at this point and have moved every shirt and mugs and poster of theirs to the back of my Spare Oom closet where I can't see any of it and why I haven't desired to listen to any song of theirs even ones that I loved dearly counted among my favorite songs by any band and why their 2019 show in Minneapolis is the last show of theirs I ever intend to attend unless or until they face and acknowledge and heal the poison of THEIR creation so it can't continue to fuck shit up.

It doesn't actually matter the CONTENT of the post or the live or the video that is put on their Instagram account. it's the principle of having done it there exclusively on the Delta Rae instagram account while having fans blocked from the Delta Rae Instagram account for having been honest that the country music scene at their shows would stop attendance of further concerts. 

*shrugs* This isn't something you can ignore your way out of or hug your way out of or charm your way out of -- you can only take accountability to get your way out of this with me. There is no way of fixing it without acknowledging the wrong that was done and continues to be done from the band's Instagram account and then choosing to make right the wrong. You can say you dd wrong and now you know better and want to fix things so you can do better and I will welcome you with love and open arms -- but you will never get anywhere with me by trying to hide your past misdeeds or rationalizing acts of cruelty. 

There is nothing that can be created by Delta Rae as a collective or that they can do that will reach me in a positive way unless or until this past wrong committed and perpetuated in the name of the entire band is acknowledged and faced and dealt with.  It doesn't MATTER that they're independent now  -- I tried allowing them the chance to say the blocking was a result of their Big Machine management when they went independent and in August 2019 they chose not to acknowledge the wrong that happened or to address the victim blaming defensiveness from their fans telling me it must be my fault as nobody involved with the band would ever do such a wrong when I brought up what occurred to them publicly in the hopes of getting it acknowledged and cleaned up. And it doesn't MATTER if they create things directly tailored to appeal to my tastes and aesthetics  -- there's nothing musically or aesthetically doesn't appeal to me about The Light or The Dark or their sound or catalogue of songs or their general vibe.  Lord knows I love me a good beer and one of my favorite things about their St. Louid shows is that 4 Hands Brewery which I love is right around the block from the venue and yes I saw that they co-created a bourbon barrel aged stout and a hazy pale ale that they're planning to release and have a free show with that release start of July, but I have no desire to go try the beer or go see them because it wouldn't bring me joy as long as this lying about the past and not facing it and continuing to act from intentional cruelty is who they choose to be as a band.  It's just all hollows with me anything they do while this poison runs through them as a collective.  I know about the work they've done toward their southern gothic musical and I adore theatre and musicals and everything I've gathered about the themes and story SHOULD appeal to me -- but I have no desire to even hear the songs let alone see the musical and mostly what I feel inside me is complete indifference to whether it's ever finished or sees the light of day or whether it's successful or not because I personally have no interest in seeing it whatsoever at this point due to the poison that runs through it. Even if I would love it by its own merits or under the name of anyone else created by anyone else, this wrong done and perpetuated and excused in the name of the entire time renders it meaningless and desaturized of all ability to give me pleasure or joy in it. . There is nothing that can be done in the name of the band or by the band that can ever bring me joy or impress me without first acknowledging this wrong done in the name of the entire band on their band's Instagram account and fixing it. There just isn't. The caliber and qualities of what they do don't touch  me with a lie and an act of bullying and intentional cruelty accepted as part of who and what the band stands for. If you stand for acting as a bully and taking part in acts of ostracism middle school behavior than I have no desire for you or anything you do to be in my life.

And this isn't about me or because it's been done to me. I would feel this way about the ostracism and gaslighting of ANY fan instead of acknowledging and dealing with it properly in a mature way. Acts of intentional cruelty and RATIONALIZING your own bullying behaviors is my shortest fuse and one of my absolute red flags lines in the sand about a person and whether I can respect them. A person who will rationalize their own intentional acts of cruelty is a person who can be made to do anything or rationalize anything. I can forgive mistakes -- everyone makes mistakes -- if you acknowledge the mistake occurred and that you're going to clean up the mess of it. What I can't forgive is the refusal to even acknowledge that you did a wrong to intentionally hurt another person. That is unforgivable. 

 

And that's why they can do nothing to impress me or give me pleasure or that I have any desire to see or have in my life due to their choice not to acknowledge that they have fans blocked from their Instagram account for being honest that they disliked the country music at their shows would no longer attend shows while the country music scene was a part of it and that rather than acknowledging or addressing that truth of the past actions done in the name of the band, they choose to host "everyone's invited except the people we ostracized" things on the band instagram account by going live there or putting content on that account that aren't available on their other free socials. And I'd feel that way if I'd seen them behave that way to some other fan I didn't know. It's about the principle of the bullying and the ostracism and the acts of intentional cruelty rather than acknowledging what happened in the past that is the sticking point. 

I don't wish them ill or want to see them fail -- I just don't want to have them touch my life so long as their touch has this poison in it and they can't do anything that will succeed with me until they acknowledge and fix this wrong done in the name of all of them.

And nothing can fix this except addressing the issue itself and the source of the poison. Anything else is like doing beach cleanups without plugging the damn leak of your oil rig that is causing the oil spill and poisoning everything touched by the contaminated water. Anything else besides patching the oil leak and then cleaning up the spilled oil mess is just continuing to pump poison into the ocean and sicken or kill everything that you touch. It's that straightforward. It's that simple and that hard. And there's nothing else that the band can do or create that will ever reach me in a positive way or get any form of affirmation from me without dealing with this past act and the coverups and gaslighting and rationalizing rather than simply acknowledging what happened and cleaning up the mess it's made.

I cannot sever the bond between me and Eric because that's an old many many lives-long soul to soul bond and it seems I can't even close the door on it for long since he can break through it to reach me if he wants to. But I will not be complicit in bullying nor will I condone it from anyone. And I will fight him like a hellcat, not caring how much that fighting to keep him from reaching me hurts me and him, to push him out and shut him out so long as he makes choices that are going to pour poison into that bond by him intentionally and knowingly taking part in the acts of cruelty and ostracism that him going live or putting things on Delta Rae's official Instagram account is. And as deeply as I love him and as intensely as I want him in every fucking moment of every fucking life, I will spend the rest of this lifetime we both have right now fighting like a hellcat trying my damnedest not to let him reach me or even touch me every time he is actively taking part of poisoning things that way. There will never be any reaction but rejection from me about choosing to take part in any act of cruelty or bullying, including middle school level "you can't sit a the table with us" blocking from the band's account because someone didn't like someone else being honest with a reaction you didn't want to hear. And you should never expect anything else from me for as long as you choose to take part in middle school style bullying tactics and allow intentionally cruel behaviors like this to be what you as a collective stand for and is done in your name. It doesn't matter how deeply our souls are intertwined mirror each other or how much I love you and I'm impressed by everything else you are and do, I will not condone any form of bullying or spitefulness or evading accountability for past actions or rationalizing acts of intentional cruelty. I will fight you on principle every damn time you choose to behave in these ways and try to make me accept the energetic poisons.

There can be no healing until you clean out the poisons and patch up the source of it so it can't keep poisoning everything. And you shouldn't expect a damn thing else other than honesty from me whenever you try to rationalize or make me accept this line in the sand I have about ethics and bullying and people who rationalize acts of intentional cruelty. 

And you're in the wrong to ask it of me to condone the rationalizing of acts of cruelty or condone taking part in ostracism bullying of others. And you're in the wrong if you expect me to bend the rules to make an exception for you -- I won't. I wouldn't do it for myself either. Id' make me face honestly what i had done and acknowledge it and make it right. I'm not asking anything of you here that I don't demand of myself and how I navigate my own choices and create my own life.

And this unhealed, unacknowledged mess created in the name of the entire band is going to keep poisoning things and keep coming up again every fucking retrograde and making bad karma and destroying any lasting joy in anything they try to create as long as they as a collective stand for what was done and continues to be done in their name on their band instagram account.

P.S.  On a completely different note. The Billy Joel song If I Only Had the Words (To Tell You) remains my forever favorite song. At least, of all the songs I've ever heard thus far, it is my favorite.  It's not from a songwriting perspective -- the chords are deceptively simple and spare with very little ornamentation and the lyrics are often quite cliche even when saying that he doesn't want to record another cliche.  But it's the one song that always hits straight to the heart of me and moves me and makes me feel all soft and warm and happy inside. It's probably good that it's SUCH a deep cut on Piano Man and nobody ever covers it because it would be an instant weak in the knees twitter-pated heart over head visceral reaction from me to hear it covered.  It's because of the theme of it, the fact that it touches on the fact that all the things that are deepest and most sacred cannot be put into words even when finding the words and storytelling is what you're good at.  The truest things are the most ineffable -- you cannot explain them, you must simply experience them. And I love that the song acknowledges that he might never be able to express in a song the depths of his love, he can only experience it and hold her and hope that she feels it -- and that that is what it is to be human.  And that open honesty and acknowledgement about the deepest feelings and truths and that it's human to not be able to put into words the inexpressible just really appeals to me at the deepest levels. So that's why it's my favorite song. Not because of its musical or lyrical artistry, but for its open honesty and authenticity and acknowledgement of what it is to be human and to feel things so deeply that it goes beyond words. 

I bring it up because the song just came on after i clicked post and is now on repeat. I'm listening to Billy Joel tonight while watering my plants at work and hanging out with the dogs (my dog and my parents' dog)