Last night for the full moon, I couldn't decide if I wanted to buy the Queen of Swords ritual pillar or just a stand-alone obsidian dagger from the latest Mossy Apothecary release. I ended up deciding to order both because as a Libra, Justice is the associated Major Arcana card, but Queen of Swords is the Minor Arcana associated card. (And Queen of Swords generally suits me in my hermetic way I've conducted my life since I stopped dating if my heart wasn't fully in it or if I saw the end before the beginning.)  And so something abotu the pillar really called to me and why not get a candle as well as a dagger for the same price?  But then the other dagger, that's to bring with me to travel and in my wandering -- for cutting the cords of spirits I send back into the cycle of souls and the cleansing I do for energetic scarring in my wandering.   And an obsidian dagger for myself and family/friends energy work is not the same one that I want to be using as my travel energy work blade for the work I do in my wandering to cleanse things that need cleansing. So I decided to order both. I guess I could have ordered two of the dagger pillars, but I want them to have very distinct energies since I'm using them for different purposes and the one for traveling isn't about my own intentions/energies, it's about the cleansing/healing/energy work in the situations I find.  So as much as I love candles, I don't think I wanted to use the ritual pillar with that dagger for wandering cleansing purposes.... I guess I could have used the pillar separate -- but maybe somebody else needs the ritual pillar more than I need a second one. My Cap moon still thinks that givne the prices are the same, I should have bought two of the pillars, but really I have a different purpose entirely for that second dagger's energy work....

They also have an obsidian scrying mirror, but I can buy a scrying mirror elsewhere -- those daggers are unique to their store however.

Also, Lightworker Tarot & Oracle has started putting up her March readings -- Libra isn't up yet but her Pisces one was VERY specific and very spot on. My Pisces rising was just like, "Dayumn, this is so accurate and I hope it's true for how March unfolds."  Especially when Justice was the only card that popped out -- and then when she asked for it to be clarified it was clarified by Two of Cups, The Hermit, and The Page of Wands.... I watched this particular reading a couple times tonight.

Also, the Bronx reading on spiritual gifts (on their Patreon) is also accurate af.

Also, my maman balanced her checkbook tonight and found that in mid-January, the bank deposited my check in her account. (She often will take mine over for me, with a separate deposit slip because different accounts, since she's heading there anywhere to take care of hers and my dad's. I was REALLY money stressed because of it that month trying to make everything meet because in January I had my 6 month water bill come due AND my first installment of property taxes and I couldn't fathom how it was so tight since I'd had the stimulus check deposited AND an end year bonus and yet I still couldn't cover everything or pay down on credit cards and I was super stressed and didn't think to check deposits (I only looked at outflow of money.) I ended up moving some money from my HELOC and savings to cover everything but I've been cringing over how the fuck I'm going to make everything work for my next property tax payment given I'd taken from my savings that I set aside specifically to cover the upcoming property tax bills (there's no extra charges in Dane County for breaking it up into 4 installments instead of paying all at once and no tax benefits right now for it.)  I was REALLY money stressed during mercury retrograde because of it and just kept my head down about it and didn't really buy me much food or spend money on ANYTHING other than just covering the bills at that point and figuring, "This HAS to just come right. Somehow I'll make it work when it comes time for the next payment... Somehow....And my February is the last car payment on the Scion loan and then when I finish that, close it out receive the title and paperwork back, then that's when they said we should open a loan for buying the Prius to sell Glenn the Scion and deal with the titles and insurance and all that. Plus there's tax money will come in and if they ever pass that stimulus check I can use that to pay things down too. I have options, I'll have some wiggle room and cash to take care of this. I don't know how this is so tight this month I'll just need to head down make it through February and I'll have the way to fix this in March. Somehow.  This will all be right by March so til then I hang in there and try not to stress too much about it."  It was stressful though, but my Cap moon just hates upsetting other people with my stress so I tend to clamp down on myself keep it inside try to deal with it myself if I can whenever I'm having a hard time. Which is probably not healthy, but strong empath -- so hurting other people is self-harming.  And I knew that if I absolutely had to, much as I'd hate having to do it, my parents would help out if I needed it to make things work if I hadn't solved it by the end of March payment....  But missing an entire paycheck in there would do it... Mum said she didn't know how they messed that up but she's going to just transfer me the amount should have been deposited rather than deal with making the bank fix it. Which is good because I cut February tight and have been denying myself things including groceries and eating less than usual (I eat a LOT typically, like living with a teenaged boy levels of food consumption -- I do a LOT of energy work and the energy requires a lot of physical food for my body, lol) and getting skinnier than I want to be as a result of not eating as much as usual. Luckily, everyone knows that I'm pretty much ALWAYS hungry and so they like to feed me and me scrounging a bit accepting free meals by showing up letting my parents buy me lunch/dinner was accepted as typically me, lol.  But finding that out was actually a huge relief to me!

Anyway. That's probably overshare that doesn't need to be here or shouldn't be and I'll likely end up pulling from here to put in a draft. But it was stressing me out under the surface a LOT last month and a half since that check got deposited in the wrong account.  Like i said, that's on me not checking for that missing check sooner. Didn't even think about that possibility, especially since I did have extra bills to pay in January...  I'm happy my maman noticed that.and solved it for me. It means I'll go grocery shopping this week given how empty my fridge is currently, lol. Luckily, everybody knows that I'm generally always peckish so they do a good job of feeding me and gifting me veggies they don't want or won't use from their meal plan boxes. I mean, also, my priorities might be mildly skewed given I decided that I needed two obsidian daggers more than groceries BEFORE finding out that the check was just never deposited and that's why things were so unexpectedly tight end of January and all of February.... But I mean, the daggers sold out fast the first time before they were restocked and are something I don't want to all sell out before I could get them for my own energy work needs, y'know?

 Curious. 

So,  the last few hours (despite my post of honesty about me having spent these recent couple weeks refusing to have expectations since it would only lead to disappointment and from disappointment to hurt) there's been a very intense rush of heady love down the bond.  Nothing else,  just a very strong pure love and a reassurance that things will come right. Extremely intense.  Possibly powerful enough to break through into shared dream state if I'd been sleeping. I assumed that wasn't possible right now with the limits on the bond.  But with that much intensity and power of love,  I might be wrong.  Curiously, the love from him got stronger when I looked up at the nearly full moon as I was leaving work and in the car - and that's never happened before. 

But that's not what I wanted to write about.  On my way driving home around 4:30am I had a family group of deer,  6 maybe 7 of them, cross in front of me left to right.  I counted 6, but may have miscounted since even after this week being sunny above freezing every day,  the snow banks are still taller than cars along the roads.  So I could only count the deer that were in the road and those climbing up the snowbank to my right. It was a majestic sight under the gibbous moon (full moon is Saturday) with all the reflective white snow!  Bright as day and so much potent moon Goddess Fée energy and imagery in it! It felt like what I imagine it would feel like to be held within a giant selenite crystal,  energetically,  between the gibbous moon and the snow and the deer and all the love pouring in through my crown and third eye chakra from him this early morning.  

Still feeling the lingering serenity of it,  even though I'm home.  Gonna go shower now,  before people with set work schedules need the hot water in my building. I don't really want to cleanse away this feeling,  but my hair needs a wash and I'd rather do it while there's all the hot water I want,  as long as I'm awake. 

But I wanted to share while the feeling of awe and love and rightness and raw powerful magick still has such a hold on me. 

P. S.  Look up the symbolism of deer.  Grace and unconditional love and connection to the divine feminine. Especially to have seen such a large family group as that! 

 O. And also.  As long as I'm correcting things that might have been misunderstood.

I should fess up that I have no expectation that in this life the polar bear will free himself to be able to meet the conditions for the door to be unsealed so he or I can open it.

Why would I?

That wasn't how the recurring vision dreams ended. They ended when I accepted that I can't free him from chains he puts on himself and doesn't want to be free from. It ended because of me mourning the hurts it causes him and me refusing to be a reason for him to be hurt in order to hurt me.  It ended by me acknowledging the only power I had in the situation was to remove myself from it entirely -- and then to follow the spirit guide who was willing to create and open the door for me to walk through. And in the end, the Morrigan did warn me that the conditions I set to unseal the door might never now be met once it was sealed. And I accepted that truth -- because there was nothing that was changing without removing myself from the dynamic and accepting my own removal from it..

So what about that ending would make you think I have any expectations about him changing the ending in this life and unsealing that door that is closed for as long as either of us chooses to be manipulated/controlled to be a source of hurt to the other?

No matter how stubborn he is once he makes up his mind about something, doesn't mean he's stubborn about me. Especially when he ain't shown no signs of that in life choices. More likely he'd just stay stubborn defending the indefensible, staying silent rather than confronting what needs to be confronted for healing and freedom rather than being stuck in a master-slave dialectic about control and jealousy and defensiveness. Not even when it would be so incredibly easy to check into it, to see if the claims about past behavior patterns are true or false. 

You literally just have to go to the blocked accounts list on the shared account and see if infinitefacets is listed there to see if there's even a beginning kernel of truth in what I have repeatedly said for 2.5 years. That's all anyone EVER had to do to verify if what I've been saying about the injustice of EVERY time they go live or put content exclusively on the band Instagram account has any bearing on truth. It's been that easy to check. For 2.5 years, it's been that easy to find the truth and acknowledge it and start the process to fix it. And yet nobody, NOBODY associated with the band ever did that or ever even responded in any way to being told that it happened and is continuing to happen.

And if you're too scared to even check if there has been abuses done in the name of you and everyone in your band that undermine everything you ever claimed to stand for, then why would I think you'd have the courage to remove the chains of control you have allowed to choke you and silence you and hurt you if you fight them? 

Given that. Why would I be expecting the bear to succeed in freeing himself from being controlled and his hurt used to hurt others, the only conditions by which the door can be unsealed? 

My goodbyes before I followed the Morrigan to leave and allowed the raven deities to seal the door She created for me were me expecting it to be a farewell for this life. In my heart I've known that since the night I made the choice that changed the recurring vision dreams and stopped them repeating. I expect him to find his way free to meet the conditions to unseal the door eventually, he must for his own soul path -- but I do not expect it in this life. And even if he meets the condition to unseal the door for the sake of his soul path, it doesn't mean he'll open that door or that he'd still be seeking me at that point.

My farewell and the reasons I cried over it were expecting that it would be an untold number of lifetimes before I expect our life paths to cross again. Because the choices now to bring our life paths to cross again are out of my power, they are not my choices to make.

So why would I expect the door to be unsealed by his choices at any point in this lifetime?  I have no reasons to expect it of him.... 

And setting him free, removing myself from his options as long as we will be a source of hurt to each other, is about setting him free to make his own choices. He's got to make them. In his own time and his own way. And that means I can't have any expectation for him to choose what I want the ending to look like. 

It's about his choices. Not about my desires. And so I have no expectations of what those choices of his will look like.  My desires and expectations aren't what it's about. Not what any of it's about... It's about his choices. His free will.

So I don't expect him to choose what I want just because I want it. For all I know, it might be in him just to ignore and forget about the sealed door and about the way the bond was and has always been until it was sealed. I don't know his choices and I won't pretend to myself that I matter to him when all the evidence has been to the contrary.  Better not to expect anything from him this life. 

After all, if you don't expect someone to choose their better angels of who they claimed to be, they'll never disappoint you again. It's easier to expect them to show the colors they've already shown you, and not expect anything else.

So I'm not holding onto hope. Sitting and waiting with the Morrigan braiding and unbraiding my hair behind the sealed door wasn't an expectation he'll choose to unseal it or remember how to open it even if he does meet the conditions to unseal it. It was me mourning, giving myself the space/time to mourn, til I choose to leave the caves and return to the light and the outer world where that dynamic can't find me or reach me. 

I have no expectations at this point of it ever being made right, what was done in 2018 and denied by gaslighting refusing to even acknowledge it since then. And there is nothing he or they can create that I have any interest in without first addressing and fixing what they broke. And since there's no signs of that happening, I therefore have no expectations that my conditions can be met to unseal the door in this lifetime. 

I believe in magic. Not the impossible. Magic is about free will and choices and the use of energy to manifest the improbable into happening.

Not all stories have a happy ending -- it all depends on the choices people make along the way as to how the story unfolds and what ending is reached. And I don't expect the choices to be made that would bring about a happy ending here. I don't expect it because so far those aren't the choices that have been made by any of them. Not once. Not ever.

So I don't expect the door to be unsealed in this lifetime. I don't expect a happy ending to that story -- just me letting go and leaving the story to wander and find other stories.

I just don't expect a happy ending to it this life at this point.And I didn't when I made that choice in the recurring vision dream and I followed the Morrigan and said the words to seal the door.

Why would I?

 O thinking of which!! I have some corrections to things I have said that are weighing on my conscience....

1) I wouldn't move to Alaska because too much winter even for me, but I'd move to Churchill Manitoba in a heartbeat for too much winter!!!!! OMG I would be so happy!!! 

Alternatively, if you ever want to surprise me with quite literally the best holiday ever, book a trip to Churchill during the time that the polar bears are massing waiting on the sea ice to go hunt!!!  I mean,you have to book it quite a long time in advance, but during the massing of the wild polar bears waiting on the sea ice to form, that is the time to be in Churchill Manitoba -- and I would literally cry tears of joy if anyone ever did that for me!!!!  I mean, I know they're wild and you need to keep distance, but just to be there and to see it.....   even better if you surprised me with a swanky camera and telephoto lens to photograph them, lol. (I don't take many pictures of humans, but I do love to take nature shots and that's what I have a good eye for. I like things that are real, not artificial, and so when it comes to what I want to capture on film i seek the authentic not the false front no matter how creative it is. So i tend to prefer to take pictures of nature and things just BEING in complete authenticity as opposed to liking to take concert photos and things like that. I go to concerts for the voluntary shared emotional journey, but not because it's something natural or authentic.  Doesn't mean it doesn't bring me joy, just means I choose to be immersed in the energy exchange with people as opposed to marveling at the beauty of something that IS, just authentically truly IS itself true unto itself.) But anyway, Churchill Manitoba, I'd emigrate north of the wall there for the polar bears on their migration even though it meant even more winter than this northern child desires, and you couldn't make me happier than a surprise holiday booked to Churchill Manitoba during prime wild polar bear season!!!  Also, I've never stayed in an ice castle/ice hotel and desperately want to!!!! There's one in Québec that I'm pretty damn obsessed with and have been for like 20 years.   I've also never ever gone dog sledding (Wisconsin isn't quite THAT far north, despite our snow and love of dogs and woods) and desperately want to sometime!!! I mean, I've obviously gone snow shoeing and LOTS of cross country skiing since I was knee high to a grasshopper and climbing ice waterfalls with pitons and spikes -- but I've never yet gone dog sledding!)  

But, the polar bears in Churchill Manitoba is one of my favorite fall obsessions!! I just sit around eating apples and pumpkin bars/cookies/pie and watching live cams of the polar bears in Churchill on their annual migration waiting for the sea ice to form so they can go hunting.  it would seriously be the best birthday gift EVER!!!!!! ( My birthday, October 2, is a little early for polar bear season which is really mid-October through mid-November all along the Hudson Bay -- though Churchill is the epicenter for guided tours and to go see them safely.  You can also go visit during the season when mama bears and cubs emerge from the dens, but that's even deeper winter than Wisconsin winters, lol.) 

So yeah. Wouldn't move to Alaska because the seasonal balance is off for me, though in a way I could grow accustomed to, but you could absolutely move me to Maintoba and the world center of wild polar bears, lol. And if you ever wanted to surprise me with the best October/November holiday trip ever -- the answer is a visit to Churchill Manitoba to see the wild polar bears migrating to Hudson bay to await the sea ice formations!

O and that reminds me!!! Saturday is International Polar Bear Day!!!  Please be sure to celebrate accordingly!

2)  About that recurring vision dream. It's not that I dislike the lioness or don't want her to be able to find her own way out of that cave chamber she holds the polar bear in.  I mean, she obviously can't open the door no matter how she tried. Because when I set the geas, it's literally keyed so that only the bear and I can unlock it. Not a damn soul else. even the Morrigan herself can't open it, even if she wanted, once I set the laws of the geas laid upon that door.  Once the door is ever unsealed and opened, however, there's no reason that the lioness couldn't walk through it to freedom PROVIDED she was willing to let go of her leash of skulls and choke collar -- nothing that is bonds of control can pass through the door of a raven deities and their transformative process of growth across births and deaths. She can't pass through any door of the Morrigan until she lets go of her leash of skulls she has created to try to control others.  there are some things of darker deities which others won't allow along their ways, and that is a devil's teaching used by nephilim and energy vampires and hungry ghosts and those unincarnated spirits who deal in the darker paths of vengeance rather than justice and the unfolding of Creation-- it is the sort of thing that higher deities will not allow on their paths. There are no paths back to the light so long as you cling to modes of controlling others like the leash of skulls with the spiked choke collar. You cannot walk a path of light while attempting to manipulate and control other souls. And the Goddess doesn't allow those who are controlled or those who would hold control over other souls to tread her paths. Those aren't my rules, they're Her rules. The only karmic bonds that those who follow Her ways are allowed to carry on her paths, from life to life, are bonds of love and bonds of debts unpaid. Never bonds of domination or control.  But once the door is opened, if she will relinquish the use of a leash of skulls and leave it in the chamber, there is no avatar of The Goddess who will stop her form exiting by the open door. 

But that's about the choices of the lioness. And those are her choices to make. They aren't my business -- her bonds to me were severed by the Goddess Herself after the third rejection and defensive attack at truths the lioness didn't want to acknowledge./face. I bear no ill will, but I cannot help her any longer on her soul's path. I have no part on it. All our bonds from past lives have been severed and the truth is I no longer trust her based upon her choices and actions and defensiveness she has displayed this life.  It is not my job to save everyone -- most people need to save themselves from their own past selves. That's how the dharma of cycle of souls works.  I will never seek her harm, but my trust isn't something she can have at this point without earning it anew.  I cannot trust those who play nice in front of others and cruel where others can't see and they think they won't be caught. Behaviors like that, no matter the defensive rationalizing, destroy trust entirely. And her greatest enemy to earning my trust is herself, her past choices and present defensiveness over her past choices, and nobody else but her own shadow self she has allowed to dominate her actions past and present..... My distrust of her is rooted in her choices, her actions, her behaviors, her inactions. It's not going to just disappear whenever she wants to play nice in front of people -- it will only gt better by her confronting and acknowledging what she does and what she has done.  Until then, I can be polite, but I cannot trust her or give her any scraps of affection.  To let her in is to invite in one who would use manipulation and cruelty to try to get her own way, no matter who it hurts. And I'm not here for that -- my life doesn't need those sorts of games in it. If she wants affection, first she must earn trust. And she can't earn trust from me until she shows proofs of why she should be trusted. which will be extra difficult after spending so long proving why she can't be trusted. I do not blame her and I do not judge her and I do not dislike her -- I simply don't trust her.

All that said, once the door is unsealed, if she's still there in that cave, there's nothing to stop her leaving by the open door other than her own clinging to her chain of skulls she created. It's not that she can never pass through it -- it's that she can never bring through it dragging along her leash of skulls she spent her last 3 lifetimes building. She must let go her chain of skulls and the control collar to try to force others to her will by causing them pain before she can pass through the Morrigan's doorway. It's up to the lioness if she'd rather cling to her leash of skulls and the choke collar to catch others in or if she wishes to be free and to leave the caves of her own prison. It's her prison chamber of her creation after all.

Just because she can't open it or do anything to help open that door (other than freeing the bear from her seeking to control him by hurting him) doesn't mean she can't walk out the door once it's opened PROVIDED she's willing to set aside her leash of skulls and the choke collar to force others to her will.

But the goal isn't to keep her imprisoned or to hurt her -- it will only be her own choices that would imprison her behind that doorway, in a prison of her own making.

3)  Other than my own family, the only things I have vision dreams about are angels/fae/deities and people/things related to the polar bear.  The only LIVING people in my vision dreams are ALWAYS about my own blood family and/or the polar bear and his bloodkin. Always. No exceptions. he's the only exception for my vision dreams that aren't about my own blood relatives in this life. Only him, only what's in his life, only his own blood relatives if they might die.  The polar bear (and his own blood relatives) is the only exception of living beings in my vision dreams. Ever. For this entire life....

4) Tomorrow early afternoon I'll take my grandma her second does of the covid vaccine and I couldn't be happier!!! It's such a weight off my own shoulders to know that the chances of me carrying the virus to her will be reduced to such a minimum. I don't much care about when I get my own vaccine provided I can get it in time that it won't keep me from travel/concerts by not getting it, but my biggest concern this last year has been if I were to bring it to my grandmother and have her get severely ill or die. So I'm very excited to take her to her vaccine tomorrow!!! And then I dunno if I'll be spending a long while with her and my Aunt Linda o not. Maybe I'll go to my parents house for dinner and figure skating after. i dunno.... On verra. I should. We have skating to catch up on after all. It will mean that I'll have to go into work for International Polar Bear Day. (Due to my migraine on Tuesday, I only had about 21 hours in before coming in to work tonight.)  Plus, I'll have to get the end of February deposit done before Monday. But I'm so happy that my grandma will have her second dose of the vaccine!!! It will be such a relief for me and my aunt and my parents helping to take care of her and run errands for/with her! 

4) Also. The Pisces reading for March from Nicholas Ashbaugh.... The Maiden guiding and the empress crossed with Justice at the center... I mean. Damn.  Accurate af analysis for me. Particularly about having to deal with jealousy/competitiveness/defensiveness  issues.  Libra sun and Pisces rising means Justice is always there for me -- but it's not typically in Pisces readings. Also 9 of wands representing migraines in the past -- yep! Bad migraine on Tuesday night.... And his talk about recurring dreams when talking about the placement of the moon. 7 of swords and the moon = accountability being important. "The seven of swords is someone you can't rely on."

Anyway. That's it. Those are all the corrections and things I have to say today. I'mma go make me a salad for late dinner now. (That's what I have here tonight to work with -- salad fixings and hard boiled eggs, lol.) 

O! And my floral lined black combat boots came in today!!! Pretty damn obsessed with them!! They're so comfy! Yeah, I am absolutely the elf witch fairy child who buys her combat boots from Hot Topic, lol. They're just as great  and inexpensive but well made today as they were in middle and high school when I'd buy them there because I couldn't afford real Doc Martens, lol.

 My sister's cat Bob died suddenly in his sleep tonight.  My nephew and niece are taking it really hard. 

I have an ever worsening migraine the last couple hours -- rapidly falling air pressure and very poor air quality alert. Both of which are environmental migraine triggers for me.  Synthetic perfumes (and thus many soaps,  detergents,  lotions, hair products,  etc) are among my instant migraine triggers - same with formaldehyde and tolulene and many glue/adhesive curing chemicals. Bit of a canary about such things,  tbh.   But I was in the middle of about half a dozen important conversations with people so i couldn't beg off.....  I just ate something other than caffeine and cookies and I'm hoping I don't throw it up. I'm now at the point that as soon as I stop dming with my sister, I'm giving up and heading home to bed. 

None of that is the big bad thing that's coming and I still don't know what it is. (It's also not the Tiger Woods accident tonight. It's far worse than that) 

I still have no idea what it is, the bad thing coming. And trying to use my gifts (even "gentle" ones like peeking forward) increases migraine pain can set me dry heaving. Overloading my gifts (including my empath gifts, like when I first arrive in big cities get overwhelmed by the noise of so many humans thinking/feeling so loudly) IS one of my migraine triggers, but that's not what this one is. I don't think. Unless what I have the horrible dread and presentiment of something absolutely horrific coming that I can't see is literally that intensely bad a powerfully psychic blow... But I'm hoping it's just the environmental triggers. (I did have an omelette earlier today for brunch around 11 or so, so it's not lack of protein or bad diet causing the migraine...even with the cookies and having coffee at brunch. Typically caffeine helps to reduce my headaches, even migraines, if it has any effect at all. 

I don't like not knowing what or when this horrific tragic thing is, just knowing something terrible is happening... It went away a bit last night and this morning -- mostly because Eric was absolutely FLOODING down the bond the intensity of his love from that place of releasing ego. Not sure how he found his way back to that place of love that transcends all ego and can always reach me, no matter the state of the bond or any blocks between us. But he did. And it helped keep the dread at bay.... The presentiment of the unknown evil actually faded out into the background from the force and intensity of his love pouring int. The love reaching me just an hour or two before the migraine started in tonight. Right now, the migraine is keeping anything else from reaching me but the pain in my head and trying to figure out how much longer I can endure it before I end up vomiting/dry heaving form the migraine pain.... 

I think I'm going to give up soon. even with my tight fitting Aran islands cable knit merino hat on (the pressure of a beanie actually often helps with my migraines -- if you ever see me with a hat on in the summer or laying very still and a pillow over my face to block out light, I have a migraine; luckily they're light and motion sensitive not sound sensitive so you can always talk or sing or play music or use a jack hammer outside my window and it's fine -- just don't ask me to sit up or walk or even roll over if I'm at the point I have a pillow over my eyes to block out light.  but sometimes, especially if I put a tight hat on in the first 6 hours, that increased pressure can help me to at least function til I can get home and force me to rest til the pain passes.) This particular  migraine is only getting worse and worse, not better at all....  Time to cross out my punching in since I got no work done due to everyone wanting my attention and then the migraine. And then go home, put some music on, block out all light, and hold as motionless as possible while my animals cuddle up on me and try to sleep or at least stop thinking meditate and get lost in the music (whatever music I choose to play to comfort me tonight -- probably piano because it's always been the most soothing. I haven't decided between Chopin or Debussy or George Winston or something with piano/instruments vocals that are a color that soothes me. None of that is the piano music I want to turn to while I'm hurting,  but what I want is denied to me by the choices made back in October 2018 and everything those choices Britt made and defensively has refused to acknowledge or right has set in motion. I'll probably choose Debussy - it's gentle pretty piano pieces, completely safe from emotionally complicated associations.  When I have a migraine, I have absolutely no ability to listen to anything even the slightest bit pitchy or country as the pain of the offkey notes on top of the migraine pain will set me to dry heaving as well as the involuntary nerve pain flinching that I ALWAYS experience from country twanging vocals....).

 I woke up this morning at sunrise with an absolutely intense presentiment of something bad coming.  And I can't shake it.  If anything,  it's gotten worse as the day has progressed....  

It's not a precog,  I haven't seen anything specific.  I have nothing more concrete to give about it.  It's just the feeling that there's something awful looming ahead that feels me with dread....  It's weighing heavy on me the way death does,  but nobody has died and I have had no precogs or vision dreams about anyone dying. 

All this life,  major changes for the worse, whether they be personal or world society affecting,  I've had precogs beforehand. I've seen the event to emotionally prepare for it before being in the midst of it.  Seen it anywhere from a week to 10 months before it happened. As soon as the decision that led to it was made.  Every single thing. Except 9/11, that I only had a 3 day precog warning about. 

This time I don't.  I have no idea what the bad thing is has me so on edge dreading.  In the past,  I have had presentiment before precogs hit, but never this intense a presentiment without a precog.... 

The feeling is getting more intense every moment that gets closer to it - it's waxing not waning. And I don't know how long this one will last.  I don't even know what the presentiment is about. 

 I'm currently hiding in my bed, hugging my dog with my cat purring on my chest, poking at the part of the future opaque to me so I can figure out what this presentiment bodes....  All I know right now is it's something bad.  And it's coming.  And I can do nothing to stop it or alter the course of this future.  

Dangit,  now I'm tearing up over whatever it is.... And I still don't know what in the future is sending out these ripples to right now....  Don't even know when in the future it is,  these are the first earliest ripples. 

11:11am addendum: 

The presentiment won't go away... So I'm going to go eat some cookies I baked last night. It fixes nothing - but at least there's chocolate mint cookies! 

 *sigh*  They have downgraded our snow squall of today from 3-6" down to 2-3" and that saddens me....  Nothing I like better than a good snowstorm in the winter time.  I wouldn't want to live in Alaska, I'm huge into seasonality and the distinct charm of each season so I wouldn't want more than 3-4 months of each season. But I do desire my winter season to be life in a snowglobe with 3-4 months of snowfall and everything tucked away for a long hibernation under the world's white blanket.  I could never be happy with a depressing winter of barren trees and brown and grey with only occasional snowfalls that disappear in under two weeks. Or worse,  somewhere everything stays green. The only living green I want to see in winter time are house plants and the conifers covered in snow.   

I want my winters to be 3-4 months of my entire world blanketed in snow. Less than 3 months I'm dissatisfied,  more than 4 months covered in white and even I'm done with it ready for green and the exuberance of growing things. So 3-4 months of constant snow cover is my ideal.  And preferably with frequent enough snow falls throughout to keep the sparkly whiteness bright not the "week old snow that absorbed the air pollution" dinginess.  (the first snow to darken is where diesel buses stop and along roadways/medians. Where exhaust pollutes the snow.)  Anything south of Chicago isn't wintry enough a winter for me,  tbh.  As climate change threatens my winter snow globe here in south-central Wisconsin  I'll move north or to the mountains,  but never willingly will I move to anywhere with less than 3 months of solid snow cover.... 

Anyway,  at least it's still supposed to snow on and off most of the day until about 1am!! And 2-3" of snow is still enough snow to repaint the world in the beauty of sparkle fluff!!!  💖 Maybe they're wrong now and things will shift so we err more into 4" of snow territory!  And I have enough wood for about a 3-6 hour fire later!  And I still intend to make venison stew shepherd's pie style tater tot hotdish for dinner! And PLENTY of reading material!  😂  (unless we're traveling and I only packed half a dozen books instead of my usual dozen books with the intention of leaving room for the books I buy while traveling, if I ever tell you I'm out of books to read,  I'm lying. Complete bald face lie.  I may be out of books I want to read and not in the mood to re-read anything.  But in this life,  I will always own more books than I can ever possibly finish.  Won't stop me from buying more or dampen my bookstore giddies at browsing bookstores or that I like to go book shopping when I'm in a bad mood because it's the one thing always distract me from what upset me and shift me to being happy.  But "I have nothing to read" is ALWAYS a damn lie unless traveling and I run low on books before visiting a local bookstore or a museum gift shop,  lol.)

Now. Time to make coffee and breakfast. Then see if the dog wants to go on a walk before starting some laundry and settling in to finish this novel.  Then spending the rest of the day with bottomless cuppa tea,  switching off between chores and reading, until whenever I starr the fire and also whenever I prep/cook tonight's tater tot casserole hot dish. Oooh and maybe bake some cookies tonight!  I never did bake cookies last week....  Then a Lady Luck beer with dinner and maybe some whiskey as well as tea across the evening til bedtime, after the dog has been out for so we're settled in for cozy time. (and by out,  I mean preferably we'll go for a walk in the falling snow,  unless it's a miserable "more ice than snow, stabbing at your exposed skin" precipitation at that point.)  

That's my entire plan for today! And I'm very excited for it! 😁

 $17k.  That's what's in the article from The Hill and is now the highest I've seen for electricity bills in Texas for those on Griddy who were held hostage as other providers (who had no service to provide) refused to take new customers until Feb 26.  What good does it do to warn people that prices are going to jack up so they should consider switching if there's nobody they can switch to and otherwise they die of hypothermia?! While people without power were literally DYING of hypothermia.....

Jesus fucking Christ.... A $17,000 power bill?! Over less than a week's worth of energy use?!  What the fuck?! What the actual fuck... 

Also. Beyond the price gouging power bills. These humanitarian horror stories are just fucking heart breaking and so fucking unnecessary....

Just. Read the first three paragraphs of this article from the Houston Chronicle.

 Even if you don't have the heart or head space to read the entire article... Just read the first three paragraphs. Just the first three. (And the third paragraph is just 11 words in length....)

I mean fucking a... Such a fucking senseless tragedy created by gross negligence.... It never needed to happen, to be that way... 

I'm sorry but I'm just so fucking appalled by the level of unnecessary suffering and senseless tragedy. It's just so heartbreaking and infuriating.... None of it had to happent... 

I'm just so heartsick watching the ineptitude and greed that brought about all this senseless suffering.  (even while seeing all the mutual aid  and grassroots assistance going on, the failures in government to do their damn fucking job pisses me off and guts me.) 

After tonight, I'm planning to take an internet break til after the Sunday snowstorm. (Projected 3-6" more of snow -- but I live in Wisconsin, so our state knows what to do with it. I intend to lay a fire Sunday afternoon/night during the snowfall and to make a tater tot hotdish with cheese and tots and  some of my leftover venison-wild rice-cranberry-pea stew that I froze because I ended up making WAY too much stew. Probably go with the maple jack cheese for it flavor wise. And if you don't know what a hotdish is look it up -- and if you don't know what a hotdish is then you're DEFINITELY not from the upper midwest Great Lakes/Plains region, lol.  Hot dish is to Minnesota what cheese and beer are to Wisconsin. Tater tot hotdish is also a VERY Sconnie thing, though not quite as Sconnie as year-round Fish Fry and brandy Old Fashioneds on Fridays.)  My head and heart both need some time to myself to heal up, some time away from the news and the world. 

As an empath, sometimes the hurts of the world and the tragedies of the cycles of incarnation and the suffering in the lessons in it are just extra heavy. I feel the hurt of others as my own hurt -- it's why a true empath can't act from a place of cruelty without it being an act of self-harm. Anyone who claims to be an empath yet knowingly acts as a bully and is cruel to others is a narcissist in empath's clothing, pretending to be something they aren't so they can manipulate others.

O but tomorrow I need to remember to text one of my cousins for her birthday... (I have two Pisces sun cousins, one of them has her birthday tomorrow. And to them, things like birthday texts matter. Like they get it if you ADHD lose track of the flow of time forget on the day of because they can do the same thing -- but it makes them super happy when someone does remember. So i need to try to remember for tomorrow.) 

But other than reaching out to Sabes tomorrow for her birthday, I plan to spend the weekend hermitting with my animals and a fire during the Sunday snowfall and a venison stew tater tot hotdish and my books and some music.

So all week I've been reading about the bills for heating in Texas shooting through the roof even while the electricity was not working... We're talking like $8.5k electricity/heating bills for the surge in demand/dip in supply. And that was the last time they looked at it... It sounds like it's just one supplier so far with the crazy price gouging, but still. It's worse than fucking medical bills.

But these are people who pay like $350 per month for their heat/electricity. And supposedly part of the problem is that Texas is on its own grid so that it doesn't cost the users as much due to reduction in federal regulations.  But I mean, I JUST paid my electrical/heating bill and it's $137 for February -- which is actually $35 LESS than my January bill EVEN WITH the ridiculously stupidly cold Arctic blast during the February billing cycle. And I get upset when I have to turn the heat on and my bills go up over $100 (I don't use much air conditioning at all in the summertime -- only if it gets too ridiculously hot for the cat and then I never set it lower than 80F.)  Anyway. $140 or so is what I consider a stupidly pricey electrical/heat bill. AND for the last decade or so ever since it was made available, I choose to pay an extra .01 per kwh (a grand total of $8.47 this month) to pay extra for the green power tomorrow to make sure all my kwh come from solar/wind and to help MG&E phase out everything but renewable sources. Also, on EVERY bill there's a state low-income asst fee which is to help those below the poverty line pay their bills AND in WI it's illegal to shut off power/electrical service when temperatures are too low or too high for it to be unsafe if it was cancelled. It means that if someone loses a job and can't make all their bills, they can not only apply for state assistance for heat, but that the electrical/utility companies can't turn it off on them for non-payment if they need to prioritize other bills until they're back on their feet. AND, due to covid-19 relief laws, there are programs if covid related reasons are why you can't pay your electricity/heat (as well as the housing freeze.) 

Anyway. I just can't fucking imagine surge pricing taking my electrical/heat bill up to even $300, let alone $1k or $8.5k.... Tell me again how the fuck then their system reduces prices for consumers by not being connected to any major power grid because I don't understand. 

Because I mean, i can't blame Texans for not knowing how to deal with cold weather or shut their water off -- you don't know what you don't know. And I mean, southern transplants to WI have caused flooding issues in my own building in other units by not realizing that you can't just take off to disappear for the winter and turn your heat down all the way (I guess they didn't have pet or plants) because it causes pipes to burst. Happened a couple years ago in unit A, just happened in unit E (which is right above unit A) which damaged unit A yet again.... So anyway, not knowing how to turn off water mains and not realizing about burst pipes, I mean you don't know what you don't know. I mean, it's one thing to laugh at people who don't know how to drive on small amounts of snow, but something else to laugh at burst pipes and no heat -- that shit is life threatening. And there are reasons it's not allowed to happen in places that have real winters. Or that burst pipes can cause the water reserves to plummet so nobody has it. 

 But HOW do you never winterize your power grid enough to handle a freeze without surge pricing your customers over it.  The regulations exist to make sure that situations like this never fucking happen. And how do you not negotiate with the other grids, outside the state, and at least get power to your clients even if it requires paying fines/fees to regulations that the other electrical grids must follow. This is just insane to me that someone might end up owing massive debt over not having more than a handful of kwh of power to stay in a freezing home.... And to millions of people. 

People can't get food or even water. Hospitals can't function. Babies are dying because their mothers can't warm up a fucking bottle of formula for them. People can't get dialysis because you need water for dialysis machines to work. In San Antonio there's a fire blazing from an apartment building that the fire trucks can't bring enough water to put it out and last I checked it was several building and cars on the street and uncontained fire in the middle of their winter snow/ice storm deep freeze. People who don't know the first thing about carbon monoxide are going into hospitals for carbon monoxide poisoning because they didn't know they shouldn't run gas burning anything inside an enclosed space, even to stay warm, because they're desperate and didn't know better. (Again I consider this basic knowledge -- like creosote reducing logs for your chimney so you DON'T block the chimney and end up giving yourself carbon monoxide poisoning.) Over 500 admitted for CO poisoning, and who knows how many can't get in or don't know to call because CO poisoning just makes you very tired/flu like akin to anemia (and is also similar symptoms of hypothermia) since it binds to your hemoglobin tighter than O2 does. So if you don't know how it happens from burning things and accumulates without proper ventilation and you don't realize the symptoms of it are that close to anemia/hypothermia, how would you even know to call in for an emergency? You might just think it the cold....

And don't even get me started about the houses that are now going to need to be condemned and what this will due to home-owner's insurance and housing crises and property values and people having lost literally everything they ever owned and they probably didn't have a proper catalogue or riders or valuation for property loss in their insurance they bought to be able to assess replacing things...

It's just... Unfathomable to me that the people in charge of the electrical/heat grid in Texas allowed it to reach this point. This is just... Basic ass community survival shit in the north...and this is hardly a utopia, people do suffer and poverty is an actual thing....but still compared to Texas... how they have failed at this so terribly in a couple days to throw the entire state (and neighboring states) into a state of natural disaster emergency like a third world country.  This is fucking worse than the photos and stories that Jacob Riis collected and published about NYC slums of the 1800s to force changes and create early poverty safety networks and housing regulations in the city. (If you haven't read Jacob Riis, you should. It's hard reading/pictures, but it's important journalistic work. How The Other Half Lives was required reading in one of my American Lit courses because my professor thought it was important we know about early investigative journalism and the real America happening alongside the transcendentalist idealism. He was right about this..)  And what people are suffering in Texas right now are experiencing  is like the late 1800s tenements living for themselves...Not the luxe of Downton Abby side of the time period, but the squalor of most immigrants and working poor of the era.  And it's horrible. And completely unnecessary in the modern world.

And then to charge individuals $8.5k across a handful of days for heat/energy that you're not even getting them enough of for basic functionality. It's just... For fuck's sake... How the fuck do they fuck up basic governance THIS bad?!?!

All those poor hurting and dying humans and animals.... All the unnecessary suffering....  Death is a part of life, same as births -- but needless suffering should never be a part of it. Karmic suffering is one thing because it's experiencing the opposite side of the pain you have caused others, but needless suffering is just cruelty.  And as far as I can see, this is just needless suffering. Sure people need to learn and learn fast to make the systemic changes necessary -- but there's no way this many millions of people DESERVE this level of suffering to level out their own past karmic acts of cruelty.  This is just such fucking gross negligence and extortionate prices... And the people suffering for this negligience and racketeering aren't the wealthy entitled fuckers who are kool-aid drinking trumpie cult members...they're mostly not the ones suffering during this preventable tragedy, it's communities of color and paycheck to paycheck lower middle class who are suffering. And it's just insane. And heartbreaking.  And all of this suffering was so easily preventable. So easily preventable to provide a cheaper more reliable service easily winterized with backups to be certain this didn't fucking happen. 

I mean, it's just such a fucking shitshow of suffering.... And all of it unnecessary.

 Honestly, my favorite thing about having the bond so quiet with the sealed door is that the bond no longer burns on Wednesday nights from his betrayal of it by intentionally acting in bullying cruel ways when he should know better. The burning and pain of that choice of his no longer hurts me, no longer touches me. I don't feel anything from him now on Wednesday nights. Which is a relief.

I really don't hear or feel anything from him at all anymore since I agreed to allow the raven deities to seal him from me in the prison of his own making until he chooses to leave the dynamic that makes him a source of pain and hurt to me by allowing someone (anyone really) to control his actions and to use him as a means of hurting me by the ways they control him and his behaviors. 

Sometimes I can hear him via the bond, when he's sad and deeply hurting over not being able to reach me or hear from me the way he always has. But only when it's a soul deep hurting, soul deep pain. That reaches me -- usually late at night or early morning.  And when he finds his way to transcend his ego and all the over-thinking and everyone else's choices/agendas to the place where there's only and solely love in him reaching out. That reaches me too -- but he's not been particularly good at that sort of setting aside his ego to be in a place of only love since before the recurring vision dream first occurred that made me change the rules. He's probably not done it more than a handful of times in the last six months.

The thing with it though is that the few ways his emotions can reach me, he still receives back no reactions, no feedback from me. Normally, if one of us reaches along the bond, there's an immediate reaction/response from the other soul -- there isn't now. Even when what little we can bridge across is coming from the most pure of emotions and highest love, it still doesn't elicit the response we're used to. No more than i get from him when I choose to send him love from a place of no-ego.  It's like it just disappears into a black hole and nothing comes back. We also can't connect in dream space while the door is sealed. I have had no dreams of him since I chose to exit and seal that door and wait on the other side of it -- and if he's had dreams with me in it, it is his ideas of me not the reality of me. It's not like having shared dream space where it FEELS real and the other soul is THERE in that shared space with you.  It's only him and his imagination now -- I am no part of it. And I won't be for as long as that door is sealed. And it will remain sealed for as long as either of us chooses to allow ourselves to be used and manipulated to be a source of pain to hurt the other one. 

I suppose, even if he were to solve the mess on his end and to right the wrongs there and fix things and choose not to allow himself to knowingly be used as a source of pain or hurt or cruelty, even then the door might not open if I were to choose a path where I allowed others to use me to knowingly hurt him.... I don't know why I'd choose that. but it's possible. The way I phrased it was that neither of us could be choosing that for the door to unlock and change so it can be opened.... 

This is different from when the fairfolk blocked the bond so that I'd stop getting overlays from his strong emotions while he was dating someone else. That time, all that had to be done to remove the block was for there to be a meeting with the polar bears and me choosing to trust the polar bear and let him hold me again. This time, I set an actual geas as the lock. It can't ever be opened until the geas is met. And the raven deities like to use geas as lock and as key to opening a lock. It's a bit unusual for them to allow me to have set the terms of the geas, but given their relationship to me it's not surprising and it's not unheard of.  They just delight in setting their own geas and riddles on things. I wouldn't want to make any of the raven deities my enemies, tbh. nor do you want to make enemies of those the raven deities befriend. They're even more merciless with far longer memories than the Hawk God....which says a lot!

But the rules of it are different now to open the door. Because the raven deities said that once opened they could not reseal the door they had made for me -- and so I must be very certain in the rules of its sealing. The rules are changed this time, and they're changed because of the choice I made just a couple weeks ago.

(I do shift the rules quite a lot actually, I find the unexpected out from the old rules to open a different path by choosing to change the rules ever so slightly. Often it's the only way to find a way out, is to look for the answer in the rules that don't break the important ethics but still change things drastically by what you shift. Finding the small pebble that forces the change in the stream's direction that averts or causes the flood downstream. A lot of times it happens because I get angry over injustice, over unfairness, and that's what makes me find the way to change the rules and make a whole new set of possibilities open up (or close) to force change. I also often change the rules by removing the power of those who have held it and leaving the choices to be made in the hands of the other party or parties affected by whatever choice is made.... I will often use my own choice to disempower me from affecting the choices that need to be made so that other people are forced to choose, to rise or fail by their choices rather than by me forcing my desires on the situation. I will also change the rules by taking an active part in the fight, doing things that nobody else would think possible, but that usually ends in short lives of defiance for me. the key to me living longer lives is always for me to use my gifts to consciously choose to disempower me of temporal powers and remove me from those who make the society changing choices.but what I do is change the rules in ways nobody else sees or expects but still are constrained by the important ethical laws -- that's what I do in all my incarnations. The great changes that come on dove's wings.  Been doing it for millennia - it's part of why I chose to incarnate all those lifetimes ago and why I'm allowed the strong gifts and allies I've got. Because I'm here as an agent of the changes only an incarnated soul can make and the interventions only they can ask for from the unincarnated for those who observe the rules about the cycle of souls to act to help cleanse out those unincarnated who intentionally and knowingly break the rules and safeguards. I am here as a spark of chaotic good in the mix to shift things at the most important time to land into better fate lines with futures that don't deadend. We're still on the stepping stone path i found and created about 15 years ago to force mankind to choose to change and to take care of the planet and all life on it before this planet is killed by greed and selfishness and refusal to acknowledge one's guilt and change.)

And the rules are changed -- there is no way I know of to reopen that door until the conditions I set are met: until he frees himself and refuses to allow himself to be manipulated as the means to cause me pain.  Corvids can only be bribed by those they trust and cannot be bribed to hurt those they care about.  If you try to approach the door that I/they sealed without meeting the conditions, they will attack. Have you ever seen a pissed off raven? They go for the eyes....  He will have to meet the required test set before either he or I will be able to unseal the door. It's in his hands now, not mine. There is literally nothing I can do as long as the door remains sealed and guarded by the raven deities -- and as far as I know, it can't be unsealed until the geas I spoke is met and lifted. *shrugs* And if he doesn't, then the way the bond was, the way it's always been, over all these lifetimes, can't be returned to what it was. I left it in his hands -- because I can't change soul contracts he willingly enters or karmic lessons he is stuck in. All I could do was set him free to follow his own choices and to remove me from a situation where he was knowingly taking part in a toxic dynamic that caused him hurt and hurt me for the damage it does to him. Even if I thought it would be a good idea to allow it to be opened without him learning that lesson and making that choice, now that i set the change in motion, I can't undo what I've done. I can't open that door without the condition being met any more than he can.... 

I set a geas in the hands of the raven deities, those who deal in life and death and rebirth and transformations and fate, who sealed and guard that door I used to extricate myself from the dynamic that was not of my doing and involved karmic bonds that are not mine to break.  It's no longer just a matter of me saying that this is broken and poisoning everything and needs to be fixed before there can be healing or building on solid foundations. it's now out of my hands and in his hands to be judged by infinite immortals who will hold my soul and his soul to this geas across lifetimes if he doesn't choose to face this and fix it in this life.

But. All that said. It's nice not to have to tense up every Wednesday night in expectation to feel the  burning poison down the bond of his choices and his "it doesn't matter, it can't be doing that much damage" rationalizing for his intentional repeated acts of cruelty and him actively participating in the bullying and taking part in the system of ostracism and injustice created in the entire band's name.  Yeah, it really does that much damage to the bond every time he does it -- it has for every week of the last year as well as random points since October 2018. And yes it really does corrupt his soul that much and cause damage and  harm to ones soul to knowingly willfully choose to be complicit in systems of injustice rather than fighting and righting them. 

But that's no longer my problem -- not since that door the raven deities created was sealed and the bond ceased to have the strength it has had across lifetimes. It's very nice to have the bond purged out of all ability to hurt me, to have everything in it of everything lower vibration and ego-driven intentional or accidental cruelty removed.

P.S. The Patreon video by Bronx for Soulmate/Twin Flame energies in March is all about a Leo's interference causing a separation despite the matched pairs of swords (air signs) and cups (water) and the importance of boundaries without defensiveness and coming from a place of love rather than controlling.  but to expect the separation to continue until the petty mind games of the interference is removed.

 I'm fine, just haven't had anything to write here. Also, I've been therapist and active source of compassion/healing for a lot of people in my life going through hard times recently. recent months have been VERY hard on people in my life, especially the last couple weeks. So I spent pretty much all day yesterday listening and giving people positive energy and healing. From like 8:30am til 10:30pm. I'm still feeling a bit tired from it even after taking today to myself to recharge. Was a bi snippier with my mum than I should have been this evening. i just didn't have the energy or desire for small talk interactions and she kept trying despite me being monosyllabic responses and terse with her. Not because she merited, but because I still didn't have the energy for it and she doesn't get that, just gets hurt when I try to make her understand that as an introvert, sometimes interacting with people (including her) is draining and I just don't have the energy for it. I'd actually been hoping they were gone and would have waited longer if the dog hadn't needed to go outside so it was easier to just go into work than bundle up to take her outside on a short walk then take off my outerwear just to put it back on to head to work. It was easier to just go and have the small overlap.... I overextended pouring energy into taking care of healing therapy for others yesterday and that's on me. But people needed it. And, it's not like I'm doing much but hermitting right now and changing the rules of the Universe and rewriting soul bond dynamics to force the removal of the toxicity from the bonds before the connection can be reopened. But for me, I'm actually putting much less energy into other people/places and the healing/cleansing they need. And yesterday i was needed by a lot of people. I'm just still recharging tonight.

There's also some intense serious side dramas in my life that I haven't been talking about here as they're not all my story to tell.... A cousin leaving her parents house gone back to her abuser (physical abuse) yet again. A teenager in my life having lost her grandfather last Tuesday and then on Saturday morning at 4am her family dog going into congestive heart failure having to be taken to the emergency vet (he's home now, but it's unknown how long he has.) Other friends overworking and just needing to talk it out get affirmations about the work they've been doing. Friends down in the south not knowing how to handle the snow/cold and panicking asking for practical advice from someone who lives it every year. The selling of my current car to move to another (and still needing to talk to the bank about an auto loan for it but getting through to them with covid restrictions is hard and then my insurance agent moved to another firm so I don't even know how to transfer that to a new vehicle -- if I do it through him or through the agency (my year renews in August for my auto-homeowner-umbrella insurance policies, all of which he has handled for ages.) Which seems like it is my story, but I could keep going with my Scion quite happily until such time as concerts and roadtrips are a thing again and i really have a deep seated need/desire to be back in a Prius AND I really don't want to sign contracts or take out loans til after mercury retrograde passes so I'm kind of grateful for the insurance agent related entanglements right now -- but a coworker whose last car the engine tore itself apart so has been driving a loaner from a mechanic (who's letting him use it for free in exchange for the old Honda hybrid to be stripped for parts) just got his check from a gofundme to help with the medical expenses of his wife's death back in Dec is the one looking to buy the Scion from me and so he wants to take care of it while he has the money (her adopted son, with drug and abuse issues, is still living with the coworker but the son often extorts or straight up steals money and things from them thus his desire to take care of this before the money is "needed" elsewhere.) Which makes this more about his life difficulties than mine. I'm just needing to tie up some financial and legal things before I can be done with it and I still haven't.  And then there are some other people, some things I'll not discuss here because they are REALLY not mine to tell since the people involved aren't talking about them publicly and openly.

There's just been a lot of hurting/stress on people. Lots of deaths, near deaths, repeating cycles of harmful behaviors, and ending old cycles of repeating behaviors in the lives of people surrounding me and who I've been observing.... And as a healer, it means a lot of listening and energy giving and hsaring their burdens to lessen the load because that's what all I do for people I care about.

Anyway. Tonight I did come into work and even though the temperatures are plummeting again this early morning I'm still here. I'll head home as soon as I finish watching Nicholas Ashbaugh's Libra reading for March. I'm about 2/3 through. I found it interesting his emphasis in the first part of channelled messages about how sometimes the Universe speaks to us by the way things are difficult and what should be easy doesn't work or people refuse to listen/communicate/respond -- that these are instances of the Unvierse telling us that it can't happen the way or in the timing I want due to external factors and that trying to force things before the timing is right and other people's lessons learned can cause me harm that I'm being protected from.  To see difficulties and other people's refusal to respond or do the right thing as the Universe protecting me.  And that felt important given everything these last years from Britt and Delta Rae generally. It actually helped remove some of the residual bitterness in me over HOW cruel they have been and how wrong their gaslighting refusal to acknowledge it and how unjust the ways they have used and continue to use their Instagram account has been and still is. It felt good to have that bitterness in me at them and their choices purged out of me -- it makes it easier not to think of them or bother with anything they do or make because I have no interest in any of it while they choose conscious cruelty and injustice in their name on their official accounts. 

I don't wish any of them harm (not even the lioness) I just refuse to allow toxic patterns to repeat and to allow connections to be healthy. I only have love and wish healing for them, but ultimately free will matters and I can't make their choices for them. And I'd rather sever contacts than be a party to perpetuating toxic modes of interactions. Even the things that should be good are turned to poison if you refuse to acknowledge and own the toxic behaviors and toxic patterns. And then change them. *shrugs* I can come from a place of love and still acknowledge that I can't force free will choices, that letting go in the faces of stubbornness and refusal to acknowledge when one has done wrong is the kindest most loving thing I can do for someone who won't make better choices for their own life and whothe version of them that they choose to be. I don't wish them harm or ill -- but I don't want anything to do with them or from them so long as they are going to choose toxic repeating behaviors and refuse to face the wrongs they have done and continue to do. I can't make them acknowledge it, but I don't want anything they're selling or even trying to give away for free until they deal with their toxic patterns and toxic actions (and inactions) and toxic injustice issues of how they have chosen to use the band's official Instagram account. Address it and change these toxic patterns and make the choice not to keep doing wrongs and I'll welcome you back with open arms -- but all choices that involve clinging to toxic harmful hurtful patterns make me se my free will to decide I want nothing to do with those who will choose the toxic negative harmful patterns to repeat. whether you and/or anything you create is welcomed into my life and brings me joy is up to you and your choices -- and only you can make those choices for you.

But anyway. I'm 2/3 of the way through this episode, so even if I repeat parts I'll head home before like 3am. So I should be able to head home before it gets TOOO stupidly cold again. It will stay above 0F til about 3am now. And then it's going to stay below 0F (down to -9F until midmorning. but then it looks like no more temperatures below 0F until Friday!

Also. Instead of a mid-month Aquarius reading, Lightworker Tarot & Oracle felt called to do a Twin Soul's update for Valentine's day.  Just watched it tonight. And DAYUMN!!! That was spot on!! So fucking spot on. Yikes!  (Or at least, the general/mutual parts and the divine feminine parts were accurate, and the divine masculine is what I HOPE is his truth -- though I guess I don't actually know that it is. Not now with the bond being so weak due to the sealed door with the 7 ravens (14 ravens) guarding it until my conditions are met for it to be opened again.  It means that I can't currently hear/read him and his emotions across distance the way I normally do... Only very pure non-ego based emotions can reach from one of us to the other until the conditions are met and the door unsealed.)

 It is currently that level of cold where the moisture from your breath will freeze your eyelashes to each other every time you blink so you have to try to time your blinking and breathing not to coincide - and that with a mask and multiple scarves over it to try to minimize freezing fog on the glasses.  That's not a tall tale or exaggeration, that's the level of cold it is outside in Wisconsin today.  (dog had to go outside,  she held off long as she could, to the point she started shaking at how long it took me to get out the door and nearly pooped inside.  Didn't but almost did....And since I'm single live alone with my fur babies in a second floor condo,  there's nobody to take my dog out but me.) 

Anyway,  eyelashes freezing together from the moisture of your breath whenever you breathe is a real temperature...it's even colder than contacts freezing to your eyeballs cold.... (I also have ridiculously long lashes, long enough that mascara on me looks like falsies on a normal girl. They constantly give butterfly kisses on anything I lay my head on including my own hand, they also sometimes will get tangled while sleeping which is annoying, and they got in the way using microscopes throughout my pre-med biochem days.)  So yeah, eyelashes freezing together from the moisture of your breath every time you breathe level cold.... 

The empirical temperature is currently -8F (uncertain what the windchill is but we have a windchill advisory til tomorrow afternoon.) It's actually only going to get colder from now til noon - and then a high of -1F around midafternoon before getting back down to -17F tonight/tomorrow morning.  So her sudden need to poop could have been worse timed than freezing eyelashes o'clock,  lol.  

Gonna go make me coffee and an omelette (carrot,  bell peppers, garlic, rosemary olive oil asiago cheese. Considering if I want to use up some of the last purple top turnips in it and/or if I want to balsamic glaze the veggies. Leaning toward a yes on both.) Then after brekkie, I'll clean out the old ashes before laying a new fire then read. (going to finish the three Carlene O'Connor Irish mystery novels I have - she's written more,  but these are the ones she had at Dublin Irishfest (in Dublin Ohio not Dublin proper) when I met her and she signed them.  So now I want to wait to buy the others from her directly have them signed.  Enjoyable murder mysteries,  nothing too special but enjoyable and humorous, and very authentically Irish culture. After that,  I plan to read the John Carter 11 book series.  They were mentioned in Lovecraft Country and as a kid my da warned me I wouldn't like them,  I'd just get angry at the casual racism and misogyny in Burroughs and especially the John Carter of Mars series.  But now as an adult,  I'm borrowing my da's vintage copies to read - still expecting I may get angry over casual racism and misogyny but knowing they're classics I want to have read at least once.)

 Later today at some point,  I'm planning to prep and cook up a slow cooker venison and cranberry wild rice stew of some sort and bake up some cornbread.  (I fucking LOVE good cornbread.  Probably don't want to get me started on how much I adore cornbread,  lol. Jalapeno cornbread is good, but honestly even just  standard basic cornbread is so delicious!!) and then at some point I intend to bake some cookies. (chocolate mint cookies - you use the chocolate cookie recipe on the back of the peanut butter chips bag but instead of the peanut butter chips you use Andes mint chips.  Chocolate peanut butter cookies are good, don't get me wrong - but the chocolate Andes mint cookies are even better!) Because if you're single and alone on Valentine's Day, then damnit you deserve to make yourself cookies! 

(I actually don't much care about Valentine's Day - I prefer gifts and love randomly as surprises over a socially mandated "show your partner you love them or you're a schmuck" day.  I like it to mean something,  and it doesn't if it's a have to. I've only had two Valentine's Days with a boyfriend, once in high school and the second time it was awkward because I was ready to break up but between Christmas,  New Year's,  his birthday (late Capricorn), and Valentine's Day there was no good time to do it and he wasn't getting it when I tried to bring it up gently - especially awkward timing since we bartended together....I broke up with him right before heading to the UK a couple weeks later.   O make it three Valentine's Day with boyfriends - but the third only technically counts since we weren't physically together though we were dating as he was on tour so he sent me roses but I didn't see him til he got back from tour. (I've dated a lot of musicians. When I was 20, I accidentally cursed myself by telling a musician friend that "O I'm not the sort of girl musicians date" (meaning not model-cheerleader-sorority girl type, just getting me to wear makeup is often a battle) and he told me I assume too much.  And ever since then,  every guy I've dated has been a musician and/or singer, no matter what context I met them in. So yeah.  There's that. So I'm actually quite used to touring musicians as boyfriends and me spending more nights alone than with them unless I join them for a leg of the tour. I mean,  it's not much of a curse given I love music and cult of celebrity doesn't impress me,  it's just a standing joke at this point that if Dani is dating someone the first question is, "So what does he play?") Anyway, I'm not the bitter pining upset over it type of single on Valentine's Day because I don't want just anyone and the day is not as meaningful to me as random expressions of love are, but hey any excuse to bake cookies!! 

Right now though.  Coffee and omelette time and then a fire in the hearth!  Ready go! 

 The raven deities, as I said, are something hard to explain.  They are all shape shifters in and out of corvid form and they are all gods and goddesses of creation,  death, rebirth, and transformation. They are as numerous as there are ways of dying and being reborn.  They can act individually or make choices as a collective - but no collective choice binds any dissenters to it.  They are agents of chaos that are necessary to the maintenance of ma'at.  They exist as themselves and some are solitary like Kali and trickster Raven but some like the Morrigan are aspects of the more whole deity that I call The Goddess or my Goddess. It's like in Moana,  the death giving and life giving goddess are the same even though they have different names and seem inimical.  They can be trusted to keep the word of their own rules once given and they will always bring about a transformation of the stuck energies BUT there is no promises that there will not be a death/rebirth as a part of the transformation.  The Morrigan often speaks for their collective decisions to me, in her three part harmony voice, because she is an aspect of The Goddess and thus she and I have a long interwoven history across thousands of lifetimes. It would be inappropriate for another raven deity to speak to me for the collective (though it could speak to me for itself) unless the Morrigu could not or if The Goddess and I were not on speaking terms. 

As for the voice of the Morrigan, it is always three voices from one throat and some other things as well like the baying of hounds/howl of the wolf.  She can use as many parts of her voice as she wants to when she sings.  The song she sang me was one of peace and trust, through births and deaths,  battles and rests, that the web of Creation and the Great Spirit holds me always in Love as we strive in the unfolding of the greatest good.  There are many verses to it,  perhaps an infinite number of verses, but the song is the same in all its beautiful iterations. 

I don't know what happens to the polar bear or lioness now....  That's between them. That's about their choices.  Any hurt she inflicts on him can no longer reach me in the innermost sanctum,  I won't know of it.  He can reach me with pure non-ego based love to let me know he still feels it and he can reach me with the yearning of his sorrow over the separation but that it is it.  

I know that when the conditions are met to unseal the door, the twinned ravens will all turn purest white,  each pair of the 7 at the same time.  And the spiral path will light up from the central stone, woven in and out through the lines of the star's gridding. And while it is like that,  all he or I must do to unseal it and open it is put our hand/paw on the center stone - then the door will swing open and the paired guardian ravens will depart and it will just be a door with no lock.  But WHEN the conditions will be met to transform the seal and open the door, that I don't know...  It will be when neither of us will allow a third party to use the connection so that hurting either of us hurts both of us.... 

And.  Also.  On my side of the door...  I may stay watching it as long as I like,  or pass through a doorway of golden light to leave/enter the room with the sealed and guarded door whenever I like.  On my side of it,  I have complete freedom to come and go or to stay and wait as I desire.  The one thing I cannot see or affect or choose is anything that happens on the other side of the door.  Not until the conditions are met to unseal it and the choice made by him or me to open it while it is unsealed to allow it.  

*shrugs* That is all my knowledge about what I have done and the deep old magick of wyrd that binds it.  I cannot undo it now,  even if I thought that would be a good idea (and objectively I don't,  though subjectively I want to burst through that door to tend the wounds of the polar bear try to free him or at least break the leash of skulls. But I spent a very long span of vision dream time/space trying even while all my most trusted patron deities protectors told me it could only be broken by one of the two who created it. Taking the door of the Morrigu and sealing it as I did was my acceptance that me trying just made the lioness inflict more pain on him and only in leaving could I cease being any part of their dynamic and her reasons for torture-controlling the polar bear. It was me accepting the best I can do for him at this time in this situation....) 

I'm going to go make some coffee or tea (I haven't decided which) and have spicy chocolate cake with whipped cream for breakfast while I watch the snow continue to fall in the bitterly cold outside my windows now that sunrise is past.  (Today's sunrise was invisible behind the unending whiteness of the snow clouds, but still I awoke for it. As I always do.)

It's all about soul. It's all about knowing what someone is feeling. The woman's got soul, The power of love and the power of healing. This life isn't fair. It's gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold. You've got to get tough, but that ain't enough, It's all about soul. There are people who have lost, Every trace of human kindness. There are many who have fallen. There are some who still survive. And she comes to me at night, And she tells me her desires. And she gives me all the love I need to keep my faith alive. It's all about soul. It's all about joy that comes out of sorrow. It's all about soul. Who's standing now, who's standing tomorrow. You've got to be hard, As hard as the rock in that old rock 'n roll. But that's only part, you know in your heart: It's all about soul.

 Sorry on delay. I had every intention of sharing more yesterday, but then with the crazy shifts in barometric pressure I had a "not quite a migraine but could easily become one" of crackly auras and getting light headed dizzy every time I sat up so I just said, "fuck it. I'm staying in bed to baby this pre-migraine symptoms rather than pushing it and ending up with a full blown migraine" and then slept like all day yesterday. And then today i came in to work at lunchish and Mikaela was here and then she stayed late with me while her parents went to get covid vaccines at the ski hill that her mom does part-time ski patrol at. 9I'm not sure they ought to have jumped the queue, but ski hill had 2 more doses that otherwise would have been tossed, she is ski patrol so EMT, and now that his dad died, Chris is one of the primary caretakers for his mom (who had her first vaccine already. So it's a good idea they got vaccinated, just that I think there are others more at risk of concern.  But then, I'm pretty laconic about my own vaccination since I figure my immune system is the sort to be asymptomatic carrier (I am for strep throat and mono -- I know for a fact that I can literally make out with people who have both of those and still test negative for it soooo, yeah) and based on need I'm healthy in my 30s no known conditions of concern and not an essential worker 9though my company I work at IS an essential business) who sets her own hours and is a complete hermit outside of concerts and theatre... I'll want my vaccine doses by the time it may be necessary for travel and/or entertainment industry like concerts -- but until then, I can wait patiently for when I ought to get it rather than queue jumping the elderly or anything like that. Having my grandma vaccinated is my biggest concern, not me, since if she's vaccinated I'll be less worried about me accidentally carrying it to her when I have no symptoms.) 

Anyway. So about my grate in my fireplace.....

A few weeks ago, I managed tobreak the bottom part intwo two pieces, but I figured I could still use it as the side rails worked -- well one had somehow at some point lot the peg so wasn't good with heavier logs but the other was sound.  But then in the middle of having a fire on Wednesday, with a large burning log IN the fireplace, the front rail ALSO broke into two pieces. No idea how exactly.... but with great luck, the larger half of the broken rail was the same length as that log I was burning and so I was able to salvage the situation and finish that fire (more or less) safely. But I DID insist that mikaela and I go buy me a new grate together so I'd not be tempted to try to "make do" and lay any further fires in the broken grate. (I also bought a real metal poker instead of my make shift water and fire hardened poking staff. And a steel log grabber in case I had any more escaping logs so I coul deal with them in a safer way than wet rags and my hands. AND I bought a creosote removing log as I was in that section and haven't burned one this fireplace season.) So anyway, here are some pictures of that broken grate, lol.

And here's the new cast iron grate (rated doe fire wood AND coals) that I bought, as proof that i did indeed purchase it and will use it for future fires.

I wonder if there's any symbolism in a broken grate...  This is the one that came with the condo when I moved in so I've had it a long time and have no idea how old it is. But now I'm curious. All the symbolism I can find online is about the fireplace symbolism... I'll see if I can find it in some of my older books on symbols/dream meanings that i've got at home. 

O and about my vision dream and what I did... I probably ought to have mentioned the recurring vision dream while in the midst of it. But I didn't. So then I changed it and I haven't had it again. And that's where we are. So I'd best come clean now I reckon.

So. the original recurring vision dream. I was in a chamber of some sort with no exits. And in it was the polar bear who is so often in my recurring dreams. But he was wearing a choke collar (the kind with spikes inside of it that some cruel people use on dogs to train them) and that choke collar was attached to a leash made of smaller (rodent or dog sized) skulls. And the leash was in the hands of the lioness from the dream where the polar bear, lioness, and eagle were removing their claws/canines/talons/beak/feathers/fur because the seals said they couldn't swim with them unless they removed all the things that defined them and protected them -- the dream where the polar bear drowned of hypothermia whenever I didn't call to him to stop what he was doing just to fit in. And a polar bear dying of hypothermia is atypical, but given he'd shaved off all his fur to try to get the seals to accept him before going into the cold water, it made sense.)  Anyway, it was the same lioneess, still scarred and toothless now because the pulled canines will never grow back but the claws had since they'd been cut short, not pulled out surgically at the knuckle. And that's important. because the lioness kept trying to attack me but due to the protections of The Goddess surrounding me, every attempt she made to attack me ended with her scratching up herself as her claws bounced off my protective shielding. And one time she went for my eyes and while it bounced back to scratch across her forehead where her third eye should be, THAT attack angered the hawk God and he took out her right eye before disappearing again back inside my shield. So then when she realized that she couldn't attack me directly, she took to yanking on the leash of skulls and hurting the polar bear as the only way to hurt me. And no amount of my begging would get her to stop and even when I'd attempt to take off the collar or at the very least detach the leash from the collar, I couldn't find a way to remove it. And The Goddess and The Hawk God and the Raven Deities told me that there was no way to remove it except if the lioness chose to let go her control over him OR if the polar bear chose to free himself from it. And every time it would end with me crying over having to watch the viciousness and the blood streaming from the open wounds into the white fur all along the polar bear's neck from her taking out on the polar bear the damage she couldn't do to me. 

So that's the recurring vision dream I've been having all year. Since before the new moon in Capricorn.

And finally, FINALLY, the last time I had the dream. I'd come to believe The Goddess and the Hawk god that it was not within my abilities to remove the choke collar on the polar bear or to detach it from the leash of skulls that the lioness was using to hurt him to upset me and control/tame him to her will. So in that dream I didn't try because I'd already learned from over a month of trying that I couldn't do it, the goddess and god were telling me truly that only one of them could free him. And so when we got to the part of the dream where she recognized that trying to hurt me was only hurting her so she turned her anger on hurting the polar bear to hurt him, this time I whispered, 'I just can't stand me being the reason she hurts him. I know it's not for me to try to sever this dynamic between them -- but i don't want ME to be the reason she hurts him... That's not something I've ever wanted or ever would want." And after I said that, the raven deities exploded in the space all around me and the one i consider the Morrigan raven deity spoke up for them all told me, "We can help you with that if you're certain that's what you want." And then the ravens created a door, a round door with a 6 pointed star that had 7 gems in it (one in each point and the largest in the center) And then the Morrigan spoke for all the raven deities told me, "If you are sincere that what you want is for you to no longer be the reason she hurts him, then go through that door. We will seal it and guard it and as long as it remains sealed, the bond between you and the polar bear cannot be used to harm each other." I bit my lip and asked, "Is it safe? It won't hurt either of us? How can I trust you?" And the Morrigan said, "These are all good questions. It is quite safe on the bond and will not damage it in any way. As for the hurt, you will both hurt as much or as little as you will hurt to not be able to reach each other whenever you want or need the comfort the bond gives you. And you can trust us because we owe you and this does not cover our debt. And also, we will allow you to create the rules and laws of this door of seven seals -- what can and cannot pass through it and how it can be opened.  but be warned: Whatever you use to seal it, once it has been reopened, it is not within our power to reseal this door and we may not feel you deserve another such opportunity from us."  So I thought about it and I declared, "I want all pure emotions to be able to pass through the door. Especially pure non-ego driven love for the other.  but I want anything that would be used to harm either of us to be unable to pass. And as for opening the door... I want either of us to be able to open it once it's unsealed, but that it cannot be unsealed to be opened by either of us until we are both approaching it from a place of wanting to do good by each other with no third party connections hidden in wait to hurt either of us. It can only be opened when no harm can come to either of us by opening the door." All the crows nodded in unison, they found these to be good rules, and the door slid open. the lioness tried to rush through it, dragging the poor polar bear along by the choke collar in her eagerness but it was as if she slammed into a brick wall and then the murder of corvids multiplied and multiplied and multiplied, attacking the lioness and driving her away and being fairly free with their claws/beak while the morrigan who was speaking for all the Raven deities shouted, "THAT DOOR IS NOT FOR YOU! IF YOU WANT OUT OF THIS PRISON YOU CREATED, YOU MUST EARN YOUR OWN WAY FREE!" And then I went over and I sadly pet the polar bear's snout and did my best to staunch the blood of the new cuts and told him, "I'm sorry my bear, but I cannot free you from this. You'll have to free yourself or convince her to let you go. You heard my terms -- there can be no third party seeking to use our connection to hurt either of us for you to reach me again." And then I hugged him and said, "but when you do manage to free yourself from this, when there's nobody trying to use our connection to hurt either of us, then you can open the door and I'll be there waiting. I promise. Just as soon as you can meet the conditions so the ravens will unseal the door."  And then I went out through the door and 7 ravens stayed on the inside of that doorless prison chamber/cave(one for each gem in the door) and the Morrigan led me through then the rest came through the door after me in a rush.  Then 7 ravens, twinned to the others, took guard on my side of the closed door and the 7 gems all began to glow and the lines between them glowed with the grid itself. And I felt silent tears on my cheeks at the absence inside me where the connection to the polar bear had always been and the Morrigan looked at me without pity said, "This is the only way I know to get her to stop hurting him since she can't directly hurt you -- is for you to have knowingly and willfully give him up for however long it takes for the conditions to be met. They will be. There will come a time when neither of you will allow the connection between you to be a source of hurt to either of you. But i can't say when. Only that it will be. And when it is, the door will be unsealed. And you and your polar bear will feel the rush of the bond just as it was before this and you may pursue your adventures, together or separate, wherever you choose." she paused in careful thought then said, "Unless he decides he is better without the connection between you or allows himself to be convinced he's happier in thralldom without your bond. If he makes that choice, then the door will never be unseale, for your conditions shall never be met.  And she will continue to hurt him whenever she decides to take something out on him -- but it won't be over her trying to hurt you the only way she can reach you" To which I told her dry eyed, "But at least if he chooses to give up on me and the bond that's there and to walk away from it, even then I won't be the reason he is hurt. he won't be hurt as a means to try to hurt me when my patron deities make me untouchable. He deserves not to be further hurt because of me. At least, even if he chooses to walk away from this give up on me, I could give him that much. He'll no longer be hurt because of wanting to hurt me. No matter what he chooses for himself now. And that is enough and more than enough for me in this situation." And then I sat down cross-legged in front of the door to wait and the Morrigan sat next to me, braiding and unbraiding my hair, and singing to me an ancient lullaby in a language I don't know but whose words I understood while in vision dream space.  

And it was during that long forgotten song of the Morrigan and the braiding/unbraiding of my hair and the waiting that I woke up. (At least she wasn't washing my bloody armor or washing my blood-stained clothes. Traditionally that's an omen of falling in battle, not her aspects as courage to win a battle or fate/wyrd.  I don't know what it means that she was braiding and unbraiding my hair and singing to me while I sat down to wait for the door to be unsealed... I've never heard of that in the currently known mythos of the Morrigu. I know that braiding a woman's hair represents lies/gossip about that woman whereas unbraiding symbolizes solving the difficulties you're facing...but I don't know what it means to have a warrior goddess of battles and fate being the one braiding then unbraiding your hair while singing you an ancient lullaby, while you wait to find out if a door you sealed will ever be unsealed.. That's a damn lot to unpack... And somehow that's not covered in the Irish/Celtic mythology that remains to us surrounding the Morrigan.) 

Also when I awoke from the dream, the bond was unreachable -- though I could feel that I could send love under the door to him, one way with nothing flowing back from it, and knew that in like manner I could receive his love or his deep sorrow. And I haven't had the recurring vision dream since.  Nor has the bond been a true connection -- only deep authentic love with no ego and his deepest sorrowing over feeling the absence where I should be have been able to reach me from him. And both of them muffled or filtered....

So that was the recurring dream and that's what I did. With the full knowledge and approval of The goddess, the Hawk God, and The Raven Deities who all watch over me and protect me. I don't think I did wrong... I know my motives were not misplaced. And I think I was right in the choices of what I made the seal upon the door and how to lift it.... I tried to be as just and fair but realistic about what needs to change for the connection to be healthy before I verbalized how I would have the door bound and sealed.  I didn't want it to be impossible to unseal, but I also needed the root of the hurts (to him and me) removed before the door would be unsealed. So I sealed it in the most fair and full of love but accepting what must be done for healing that i could conceive.  But like The Morrigan, I have no idea when (or even if) that door will be reopened. I just know his desire and my desire are both of them CAPABLE of opening it, but only once neither of us can be used as a means for a third party to hurt either of us. I can't unseal it or open it from my side without the rules being met, even if I wanted to I took the power out of my own hands in the way it's sealed....

*yawns* I'm gonna head home now. Pupkin is tired (as am I) and it's getting stupid cold out again. I'll not be here late enough to get all my hours in still tonight or watering the plants before the stupidly cold arrives. So I'll come in after the snow ends tomorrow  and when it's just bitterly cold but before it gets stupidly bitterly cold to take care of the plants and finish out my hours for the week. And then huddle up at home for the rest of Saturday night and all of Sunday and Monday morning. 

P.S. Dayumn.... Just watched Bronx's Pisces reading for the current moment and upcoming month.... And I gotta say, it hit home both for my Pisces rising and his Pisces sun and what I decided to do in the recurring vision dream and putting the onus of requirement outside of either him or me cheating the work required to let the connection be healthy again.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the Billy Joel song All About Soul.  I love this Billy Joel song (I mean, I love 95% of Billy Joel songs, so there's that) and it popped into my head while writing this. And once it did, i realized how fitting it felt for this post, all things considered. ]