So.  Since it's 4:30am and I'm still up because I have no Circadian rhythm unless I'm aligning mine with other people's schedules - which is not the case at all right now since I live by myself (except my fur babies, feather baby,  and green babies) AND since high school I've been able to set my own hours at work because 1) family business (computer repair shop older than me) and 2) my job is graphic design,  clerical, and taking care of my plants at work all of which I can do outside normal work hours. I like working or reading late at night - as an empath I like the quiet without everyone's emotions so loud and draining as constant background noise and I can be more focused productive.  Anyway.  4:30am. Most people sleep but I'm awake. 

I just.... It's weighing on me feeling like I've done wrong by Eric owe him an apology for the hurt and sadness I've given him.  It weighs on me even heavier that he might feel I ceased loving him,  because I haven't... I never could... I just know that without fixing things to have a solid foundation of trust in each other, we can only be toxic not healthy together given how deeply we both care.  And I can't fix that foundation if I'm the only one even willing to try.  So given those parameters, I have to go and keep as distant as possible no matter how deeply it hurts me and how intensely I yearn for him - because to choose otherwise under those parameters hurts us both far more longterm than me distancing myself for as long as things are broken and toxic and he's not willing to face the work that needs to be done to clean out those poisons mixed in and make a solid foundation to build on rather than this broken one....  Change the parameters, find me a better solution, and I'll change my choices change course immediately. I just don't see any better choices open to me right now....  So as a Capricorn moon, given these options I've chosen to endure the martyrdom of making myself miserable by keeping myself distant from him rather than the toxic patterns of us wanting to be together no matter anything else,  even if we hurt each other... I still love him and desire him in every moment of every day and inside me I feel the pull toward him like a compass points north. That's not something changeable, it's fixed always oriented to bring me back to him.  Keeping myself from saying,  "fuck it! Who needs a solid foundation or to remove these poisons so we can be healthy together" and choosing to run back to him where I belong is a constant neverending battle. I can pretend I want somebody else, somebody who makes me happy, but I don't.  I just want Eric. He's the only true north my soul recognizes... 

And I hate feeling that right now I owe him an apology for how much he's hurt over this distance between us.  I hate it and it makes me hate myself for hurting him and not being able to make that right at this point....  Because how can I stop being the reason he hurts except by coming back to him?  But how can I come back to him with this set of choices from the past that is poisoning anything between us?  And how can I clean up this mess if nobody but me will even acknowledge its existence, even after me sending the band account a facebook dm yet again early this month after their kickstarter email urging people "find them on instagram" which is impossible when you're blocked on the band's insta account - a dm to which nobody even bothered responding?  

I mean.  I can't fix the mess from my side alone.  And if it doesn't get fixed,  the poison and rot of it can only destroy the foundations of things worse.... And so I can't let myself come back to him,  even in dream space on our karmic bond, because it would be a temporary relief while worsening the long term problem of that rot and poison under anything we build.... And so I can't make right the wrong of how it hurts him to have me beyond his reach.  And fucking all of it could be fixed by just facing what caused the damage and fixing it.  But I can't do that by myself.  So we're stuck with this stupid and painful option as best that just drains and hurts both him and me no matter how we try to hide it keep going on despite the open wound of it all.  

Which is fucking idiotic.  Especially in this time of humankind's history.... 

And I just.  I'd really like to tell him I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused him by having to distance us this way and ask him to forgive me for how he's been hurt and then figure out how we can heal this all to move forward together in a healthy way.  I just really really want that opportunity - and I can't see a way to get me there.  And I hate myself  that I'm the reason he's hurting inside and yet I can't find my way for us to heal this under the parameters we have to work with..... 

It's currently the high holy days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, so it's a time of deep introspection, soul cleansing, seeking forgiveness, and atoning for wrongs that we have done others.   I'm not particularly religious and though I'm Jewish I don't attend synagogue or anything. I'm far more pantheist syncretic pagan-taoist than anything else due to so many of my lives having been pagan and having several of the old gods and goddesses as friends/protectors who still watch over me and (try to) keep me out of getting into too much trouble -- also I actively dislike vengeful patriarchal dogmatic monotheism  of all varieties (including much that's in the Tanakh) because I dislike being told what to do and that someone else's "one way" is the right way. So I'm not really the best or most orthodox Jew out there, though I am born Jewish and that makes me and any children I may have Jewish regardless of any of our own personal or spiritual beliefs. All that said, I do keep the traditions surrounding Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and the annual soul searching is something I believe is deeply healing and important at a spiritual and mental health level. 

One of the traditions in Judaism that most people don't realize unless they're Jewish, is there's no "too late to apologize" in Judaism. (That song lyric has always bugged me every time I hear it, because the only time it's EVER too late to apologize is when you decide you're not fucking going to. And that's on you and your choices, not the amount of time or water under the bridge between you.)  Part of the High Holy Days is in seeking forgiveness and making atonement for anyone you have wronged and a large part of Judaic traditions is in the importance of forgiveness as a means of healing you both. So there's a tradition that once you realize that you have wronged someone, it is for you to seek them out and ask them to forgive you for the past wrongs tell you how to make it right and it's their choice whether to forgive you at that time or not -- and if they refuse you at that point in time you don't have any rights to ask for their forgiveness, for them to let you make it right, until the next year's High Holy Days. HOWEVER if during three different years of the High Holy Days you directly approach someone from a place of sincerity and ask them to forgive you and let you make atonement and make right the wrongs of the past three times and three times they deny you forgiveness refuse to allow making right the wrongs of the past, then you have made your atonement and the sin is no longer upon the person seeking forgiveness but upon the soul of the one too hard-hearted to allow forgiveness and making right what is between you.  (I think technically you're supposed to have three witnesses for the three times you ask for forgiveness for it to be considered atoned even if the forgiveness is denied -- but I don't follow the rules THAT specifically. I honor the spirit of the idea, not the dogma of it.) But that's something very different from a Christian or western mindset around forgiveness between people -- and it's an important distinction. As long as you feel genuine contrition and a genuine desire to make right what you did wrong and approach them seeking forgiveness in that spirit, then it's never too late for an apology or to try to fix what went wrong or to find forgiveness to move forward in a more healthy manner.

You are not expected to forget the past or the wrongs that have been done, especially if the wrongs are continuously repeated and no lesson learned yet  -- but you are expected to forgive them if somebody seeks to apologize and make atonement for the wrongs of the past once they have realized they did wrong. For your sake as much as for theirs.

And, most importantly of all... part of the shadow work during the High Holy Days is not just releasing and forgiving others, you have to forgive yourself for the version of you that you were (this is a part of the atonement process) even as you choose to heal and grow and not be that version of you any longer.

And so the ideas around forgiveness and about an annual cleansing of one's soul IS among the Jewish traditions I do keep and I keep it faithfully. Even when forgiveness and letting go of your past hurts is hard -- it's important to let it go and break those negative karmic chains lest it consume you. So I do keep the traditions around seeking forgiveness, giving forgiveness, and allowing a space for people to make right the wrongs of the past. Especially during the High Holy Days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Because I think it's beautiful and karmically important and makes the soul healthier than if you sidestep this sort of inner shadow work and choose to hang on to hate and bitterness and anger and hurt and guilt. 

So if you want to know what's on my mind, it's that sort of inner work even when it's hard to take ownership over the past fuckups and being in a receptive place for anyone who needs it to try to reach out to me to find common ground in order to heal and forgive and make right what has gone awry in the past. As well as cleansing and letting go within my own soul of wrongs I have committed and not yet released or atoned for.  

Also, I'm eating lots and lots of heirloom orchard apples. They're like 90% of my diet right now, lol. But that's typical for me in September, October, and November.  I don't actually like most store bought apples, but I'm absolutely crazy for heirloom orchard apples during apple season. Like Atalanta and the golden apples level crazy for real apples.

It's been extra hard to keep myself from allowing me to do it since late Friday or early Saturday or so....  Whenever Jupiter went direct.  

That was all.  Just wanted to acknowledge that truth and keep me honest about it.  

P. S.  Mon bon dieu,  but I loathe this ui..... 

Dayumn Bronx is good!!!  They are literally the best. THE BEST!!!!  They channel for tarot better than anyone I've ever met or encountered.

My Pisces Rising felt what they had to say 2 days ago as being intensely accurate, but ufgh my Libra Sun felt this month's reading like a sucker punch in the gut.... Their patreon extended readings for water and air signs for the first half of the month were good, but these were.... Damn..... They hit bullseye on damn near everything, especially about my most recent testing of my emotional heartstrings over the last 36 hours.....  Didn't do so well on it last night, felt myself get triggered and responded. but tonight I was better centered and grounded and feeling untouchable. Or rather... touchable but not able to be manipulated. Other than a wave of intense sorrow down the bond around 10pm, but I was kind of expecting it from him.

I'mma have to rewatch the Libra video multiple times. because damn Bronx hit that one out of the park eerily accurate for me.... Thought I'd gotten my heart to a point where pulling the same strings didn't pull the same old heartache -- but it did. So this is is where we at.

 And it's past time for me to truly accept the ending of the ending.  Not just the grieving and the sense of injustice and how deeply I was wronged (karma will sort THAT shit out though.... And I'm a Libra with a Capricorn moon and Aquarius in in my 12th house. I'm as closely linked in inextricably bound to karma as possible. I've said since I was a child that Serendipity lives on my left shoulder and Karma on my right. She is a right bitch and acts out immediately at anything done to me or done where I may see them.... Even when I ask mercy, karma is inflexible. Don't piss her off.  I've never had a life before this with karma being THIS swift and accurate, in any of my lives.)  but I need to finish the letting go and my acceptance of its necessity. Karma can sort out the injustice and the refusal to face it and fix it.... And she will.

Also, their birthday is the same as my sister (different year though.)  There are actually a lot of Virgo ladies who are near and dear to me..... Libras, Tauruses, Pisces, Virgos, Capricorns, Scorpios are the most common in my life. Couple of Cancers, Aries, and Sagittariuses to spice things up. Also a couple of Leos and a couple of Geminis, but they're not as easy to deal with as the others -- mostly because they're prone to creating unnecessary drama and getting defensive which makes them petty and vengeful and not good humans. And the more they realize they were acting like shit to someone, the worse they are about it.  I don't actually have any Aquariuses in my life, even as acquaintances -- they're the sign I connect to and get the least... I also have no planets or major anything in Aquarius and it rules my 12th house.

Going back to rewatching Lord of the Rings extended edition now. (Started earlier today because Mikaela had never seen it. Uncertain when we'll be finishing it now though since her dad decided to rent a cabin AirBnB with no refunds for the long weekend and didn't tell her until today and we had been planning to finish it tomorrow. She was not pleased. O well. She may have to wait til a school break since her classes start online again on Tuesday. We'll see how much work she has her first week -- her homework may be minimal or maybe we could make weekend plans to finish the series if she wants.... but I decided to finish my rewatch without her and wait til whenever she's available to finish the rewatch.

And then briefly cat sitting for Sat/Sun AND Skerryvore have their online concert on Saturday!

But oooh Bronx got this month right!

Even though it seems to me to go without saying,  I'm going to say this anyway.

Me acknowledging midweek that I hurt and am sad and upset over muting the bond as much as possible due to the conclusion that we cannot be a source of anything that isn't toxic to each other without being able to trust each other DOES NOT mean I'm changing course from what I've stated.  Remember what I said about me having a very thick martyr streak and that I am stubborn,  especially around issues of justice and bullying/intentional cruelty.  No amount of discomfort or pain to me will change my mind or make me back down on an issue of bullying and/or injustice. And that is universally applicable to anyone involved in bullying or creating/perpetuating an unjust mode of interactions.

If you want another chance,  the bare minimum is dismantling/fixing the problem AND sincerely apologizing for the damage it did.  That's your starting point for another chance with me.  Lies,  denial,  refusal to acknowledge it, ignoring it,  continuing with it are all ways to get me to dig my heels in deeper get more stubborn. Every moment that you fail at the basic respect to acknowledge and right the wrong you were guilty of just entrenches me deeper in my refusal to have any sort of further chances extended to you. This isn't an ultimatum, you can do whatever you choose since you do have free will - but your free will does not supersede my own free will or my choices over my own actions.  And my choice is that if your ethics do not make you behave with the most basic level of respect and empathy treating another soul as your equal,  then you do not deserve to be given more chances with my trust.

Typically, the pain in Eric would make me reevaluate the course to find a path that won't leave him suffering so.  However in this case, if this lesson remains unlearned there's no fixing the shattered trust and without fixing it there will always be deadly poisons mixed in our love and he will longterm be hurt far worse than this is hurting him.  He needs to learn not to allow the peer pressure of others to manipulate his ethics so he acts in ways that are unjust,  bullying, and/or hurtful to others.  Because him not learning it is the source of pain,  broken trust,  and separation between him and me.  And that can't be healed til the repeating pattern stops - and me giving in because I know how much the separation devastates him would make me complicit in repeating that pattern.  And I won't do that to us....I love him too much and I respect myself too much for me to even consider it.

So me acknowledging it hurts and it's hard and I hate it and I wish there was another way is NOT me bending or changing course on this hard necessity.  It's just me acknowledging how hard it is to do and how sometimes it feels fucking impossible. But I'm still going to do it and stick to this path until change and healing happens so the old patterns stop repeating.

I have no better options at this point.

I still hate the new blogger ui...... I hate gooey "let me treat you like an idiot" ui -- I just want a logical uncluttered but useful menu based layout no matter how utilitarian or "ugly" some designer thought it. Don't try to make it "easier to use" -- your intuition isn't my intuition. Just make it actually logical ffs.....

But I turned this back to public. I don't know how long it will last before I get fed up with this ui again.

But I wanted to say something.....

I hate how broken and miserable Eric is... The bond is not really numb you know. It's not the sort of thing that can ever go numb entirely.... it's just sort of the way novocaine and lidocaine works on the pain receptors of the nerve cells of people with red head gene (like me) where instead of numbing it up, it burns like acid fire you can trace the entire nerve branching system by the fire of it. And you have to use 5 times as much as they should for your body weight and it still tingles and you can feel it throughout and within 15 minutes you'll have full motor control again....

(My first experience of this was with lidocaine shots into the raw flesh of the gaping hole in my right thigh from a bike accident when I was 12 that was within half a centimeter of nicking my femoral artery so i would have bled out in under 2 minutes. There's a big scar on the inside of my thigh, took 26 stitches and only 15 of them external, and the lidocaine burned so badly that I remember screaming at the med student on rotation who was giving me the "numbing" injections every time she'd inject the lidocaine shots that burned like fire down the nerves that the shots were only burning, not numbing the pain and to fucking stop it and trust my adrenaline to block the pain while they clean the damn wound and stitch it up because that would hurt less than trying to numb me with pain killers that caused excruciating nerve pain. Luckily, the surgeon listened to me.  And the only time I've ever been knocked out, to remove my wisdom teeth, I woke up as they were about to begin and they had to use so much anesthesia to knock me out that they were worried about stopping my heart but I just kept waking up because redhead gene.... I'm so glad I never had any cavities to have to experience novocaine til I was in my late 20s..... Luckily, I have a dentist fascinated by genetics and specifically how redhead pain receptors work especially with anything in the -caine family so he took one look at the coppery strands in my hair and warned me before we even scheduled my first drilling/filling and gave the hygienist helping out a lecture about why he had so many shots of novocaine out for someone my size and while giving me the novocaine shots he warned both of us I'd never get fully numbed up and we'd have to work fast as soon as I was numb as I'd get.  He also warned me never to try cocaine because it wouldn't be a fun high, with the red head gene it would just burn like fire and acid along my nerves.)

Anyway. it's a thing. It's where I got the imagery of how it feels when things burn down the karmic bond from Eric when he does something wrong by me and the different burn down it when he's hurting. (That's a just him thing, other empath bonds don't burn that way when something is wrong.)  Because it feels the same as how lidocaine/novocaine burning along the nerves of someone with the redhead gene mutations feels pain.... 2 of the 3 mutations that will manifest as red hair actually mean you experience pain completely differently. Cold burns, all nerve pain burns, but you actually don't feel blunt trauma like broken bones and cuts the way that people without those mutations feel that pain.

But anyway. it's not like it's fully numb. It could never go fully numb except by severing it. And I don't know if that's even possible with the way this bond is forged AND I think it would have some very terrible consequences for both him and me to even try to sever it. Even thinking about it is just a complete sense of wrongness. I know the place that Eric is in right now and it's all I can do not to say, "Aww fuck this!" and try to comfort him make that hurt in him better NOW without him having to learn the lesson he keeps missing.

I never said I didn't love him or that my love for him is in any way diminished.... I said that things are broken now and need to heal because the broken trust is poisoning even things meant to be good.  And I said no matter the soul contracts between us and the strength of our karmic bond, if he can't learn this karmic lesson of his about giving in to peer pressure when he knows and has been told that his actions are cruel or will cause hurt to another, then no depth of love can create a healthy relationship rather than a toxic one between us.  I have quite literally let myself be burned at the stake for this unlearned lesson in him.... And the truth is I'd do it again rather than making him miserable. I've got a damn thick martyr streak in me for issues of justice and sacrificing myself for anyone/anything I care about. That's a lesson I need to work on.... But it's a toxic combination, for me to have such a martyring streak and for him to succumb to peer pressure rather than listen to his own ethics around issues of cruelty, bullying, and harm to another.... Which is why it can't be healthy til he learns not to be knowingly take part in cruelty or systems of bullying under peer pressure but to instead stand by his own ethics..... And I recognize that. And I can't learn his lesson for him. Nor can I stop what it does to him and to me when I let myself be hurt and martyred in this way, life after life.... So. I can't give in, no matter how much I want to. not til we can break this pattern. And that requires him learning not to be swayed by the manipulation and peer pressure of others to be knowingly cruel. what  I can do is deny myself what I WANT right now (and in every single now) in faith that somehow, because we're both really fucking stubborn and single-minded once we set our heart on something, that in time we can have it in a way that isn't toxic to both of us.

I just wanted that time to be this life.  I wanted that time to be now. And it isn't.... And that hurts.... It fucking hurts in a way that doesn't ever actually stop hurting I just keep going forward through the hurting.....

And here's the thing....I could only hurt David by being with him in a way that was unfair or cruel to him. He knows what he wants but if he missed his opportunities and I was with someone else who genuinely made me happy he'd be happy for me. I'm not his twin flame and he's not mine. we have soul contracts and some soul mate healing we can give each other if we choose -- but it's not the same thing. It's not the "everyone and everything else is just a shadow on the wall of the cave and only each other do we turn and see our true selves instead of the shadows" as it is with Eric...  David and I can help each other heal and grow -- but other than karmic debts between us, we can also manage it without each other. Eric is going to hurt in every possible way in every moment that he and I don't get to be together same as I feel that emptiness and longing in me where he belongs. That's how it is with us and our souls and I know it. he knows it too.

And this yearning and emptiness inside ourselves where the other person belongs in our life is unending except in the lives where we get to be together.  Life after life after life of endless yearning and hurting until we get this fucking lesson right so we can be together in a way that is healthy not harmful.... And then, even once we're dead, there's that promise we made so very very long ago.... That whenever one of us dies, before going back into the cycle of souls, we'll go let the other one know so they can know not to look for a time....  And did you know, that in his last life, I died three times on him across the course of that long life of his. Three times my soul had to come tell him I wasn't walking the earth, and to stop looking for me til I was reborn again. He had to mourn my death three times in his last life -- and the third time we'd actually found each other in the flesh even though there were other reasons we couldn't be together....

My last life, I made it to 36. Still haven't gotten there yet this life. And that was the oldest I survived for literally hundreds of years. I've had so many short lives these last 6 centuries.... So many many times I've had to keep that promise between our souls and so many times he's mourned my dying.... And in every life, there's that memory and longing and sense of a missing piece even if we're half the world apart and never cross paths in a life we still feel that yearning and pull toward each other..... It's been that way for.... Gods I don't know how long..... At least since somewhere in like 2000 or 3000 BCE....  Somewhere in the golden era of the Minoans was when we made that promise about our deaths, that we'd always let the other know so they'd know when to stop looking and in the age range to look again.... The karmic bond there is even older, but that's when we made the promise and soul contract about death visits... It was on an island in the Mediterranean  during the bronze Age Minoans....That's how long the soul visit upon death promise goes.... but the karmic bond between our souls is even older. As old as anything I can remember at all since choosing to incarnate....

But anyway. I know how he hurts right now. I can't not know. Because he's experiencing it and it jangles out of tune and burns along the bond because it never fully numbs....

And honestly..... So much is so fucked up and I'm so tired and humanity is making the same fucking mistakes again because those in their first 3 lives have to experience all of what they missed crash course the lessons they need to choose a better future path than this idiotic Roman empire -expansionist colonialist path. (do not get me started on the Roman Empire....)  And, the wildfires and the drought and the screaming of all the plants and all the unnecessary dying and suffering..... I feel stretched thin enough as an empath to break if this gets pulled any tighter, any more pain.....

And for my own sake, all I REALLY want right now to get me through this is that even if I'm sleeping alone in my bed (except for the dog and cat, but they're not the same as a person who can wrap their arms around you) that when I lay down to sleep I could still snuggle into that bond and in my dream space feel myself held and protected and loved by my polar bear.... I know why I can't.... But it's still something that I selfishly want.... And if I'm feeling weak enough I waver. I think that it would be okay and won't turn out toxic with a heap of hurt if we don't learn our lessons before coming back to each other again.....

But some times.... It's all I want.... And at those times, I don't trust myself so i just stay up until I'm ready to collapse in exhaustion and sleep for like 12+ hours after so many hours refusing to let me sleep.....  And mostly, I have to admit, there are lots of days where I just run my body on no sleep and no food and only black coffee and Irish whiskey for like 36-52 hours at a stretch.... (I dislike American whiskeys and bourbons -- they're too sickly sweet and the corn used in them is often treated with Roundup before distillation which is bad.. The only bourbon I've ever met that I like is J. Henry bourbon (it's actually distilled here in Wisconsin) and they use a specific heirloom variety organic red corn that's been in their family since the 1800s.....  So that's why I drink Irish whiskeys and scotch -- because bourbon is syrupy sweet to me and most American whiskeys use Roundup-ready corn. Except J. Henry bourbon. That's the only bourbon that isn't too syrupy sweet for me -- and it's one of my absolute FAVORITE whiskey style spirits of ever....)

Yeah. I didn't say this wasn't going to hurt or that we could either of us be healthy pulled apart with a gulf between us.... I just know we also can't be healthy together til this unlearned lesson and the toxicity it breeds gets learned.  If I have to choose between two unhealthy ways of causing each other pain, I'd rather a painfully unhealthy lives apart yearning for each other so we can be motivated to do whatever the fuck we have to do to be together in a healthy way rather than an unhealthy codependent toxic relationship that just makes us the source of each other's pain and guilt.  If we hurt with the longing by being apart, we can damn well motivate ourselves to be better and to do whatever the fuck we need to so we can be together in a good way.  If we' hurt each other by being together, there's only pain and nothing to force us to heal the hurting.....

But the last week and a half has been so hard.... It's hurt in so many many fucking ways... And all I truly want is to be able to curl up into Eric's soul and feel surrounded and safe inside the love between our souls. Even better would be to get to curl up into him physically as well as in dream space and along the bond between our souls.... But even just the soul to soul snuggles would help strengthen to get through right now..... Especially because I'm forced to play Cassandra and I know what's coming in this Year of Perfect Vision..... And it gets so much uglier before the healing starts.... especially in the USA....

But every time he hurts it burns inside me along the nerves of the bond. Because it's dulled like it's stuffed full of cotton balls, but never truly numb. And he hurts so deep. All the time.... He's trying to push on and push through and keep himself so busy he doesn't self-destruct under how deep he hurts.... But his hurt is always there. which means the acid fire of his hurting burns along the bond, even in this weird muted state trying to keep us separated til we can be healthy and good together. the way we're SUPPOSED to be.

i would just really love to at least dream space curl up with my polar bear and snuggle and comfort each other in that place of shared love and safety... let us both get some real rest and some solace for the heaviness and hurts in my heart and in his heart.

I can't let me. But you have no idea how desperately I desire it... 

For the record,  it is not my intention to ever bring up to David about Eric....  I see no reason it would be good to do it,  and it just seems like a source of pain if I did.

I have never seen any reason to bring up past lovers unless they are a source of trauma that needs healing or expectations that are harmful to another relationship. And this is a karmic bond not even anything physical in this life.  Granted I'm rusty on relationships generally,  I decided many years ago now that dating casually was a cruelty due to uneven investment in it and thus I have ever since refused to date if I see the end before the beginning. I don't mind that choice - this life I'm only sexually attracted to people I have a strong emotional/spiritual connection to and I don't mind being alone.  I don't get lonely at being alone (maybe I would without fur babies,  plants,  and wild bird friends - but I can go weeks without human contact just fine)  though I do get lonesome for specific people,  specific energies,  when they are far from me.  But I feel their absence the same after 5 minutes as 5 days as 5 months as 5 years as 5 lifetimes...... The time doesn't matter,  only the absence of their soul's light from my life.

But I see no reason to bring up someone I never even dated in this life.  Soul contracts and karmic bonds are my own business - there's no need to drag them into a romantic connection unless they're affecting that connection... And my karmic bonds to Eric won't til the damage done is healed.  Can Eric still reach me?  Yes,  but only when he transcends his ego and reaches out to me from a place in him of transcendent love.  The Goddess told me even she can't stop him (or anyone) who seeks another soul from that state.  But he can't reach me when he's clouded with his own ego or acting in any way under the influence/choices of anyone else's ego.  He can only reach me right now when he can achieve that transcendent sort of love for another that is beyond any ego. And that is rare to achieve, I can honestly say I don't know how he does it when he does it,  even with karmic bonds as deep and ancient as those between him and me.

There is no reason for me to bring it up,  to Dave or any other lover,  as it is something outside of any romantic relationships at this point.  It would be different if Eric hadn't shattered my trust in him after listening to and trusting his sister's bad ego-driven advice to try to hide her own guilt rather than face the ethics problem created and deal with it.  But he did.  And after all,  him not heeding me or his own intuitive understanding of ethical lines but instead bending under the influences of others is an old unlearned lesson in him that has literally been the death of me in lives past.  This was a minor instance,  but my trust in him and the Universe testing if he'd truly learned the lesson was built on my faith in him as fragile as crystal and with the flaws still weak to shatter it all under the lightest pressure proving he still hadn't learned,  that he'd still knowingly choose to hurt me under the influence of another's manipulation of him.....  My trust shattered because of old flaws in it from when he has failed this lesson before,  in other lives,  and when my trust in him has led to my death in those lives.   I can't make his choices for him,  his karma and life path is his own - but I can choose not to yoke our life paths together til he learns this lesson and thus no longer makes my trust in him a danger to myself. 

And I can't trust Eric with my life (in any life) til he learns this lesson to trust himself and his instincts when it comes to actions/choices that will cause me (or anyone) harm or knowingly have him cause me (or anyone) pain rather than him listening to the manipulative advice of other people with ulterior motives he refuses to see.  He's failed this lesson before and he failed this testing of this lesson this time because he (erroneously) believed his sister would never sabotage him like that for her own interests.  And by listening to her,  he shattered what was still barely healed from when he's failed at this lesson before....  And I can't change his choices or learn the lesson for him - I can only wait til he has learned it and recognize he cannot be trusted with my heart or my life til he learns this lesson truly....

That's why I have set him aside from being a possibility for me in this life,  or however long it takes him to learn this lesson he keeps failing across all these centuries, and why I've done all that I can to mute the bond except when he can bypass that muting the Goddess did for me by him achieving a state of transcendent love beyond his ego....  He must learn how not to be manipulated by others when he knows the actions/choices they are urging him to would be an act of knowingly doing wrong causing pain to another before anything good can come from our karmic bond.  And I cannot learn that for him or make him learn it.  Only he can.... And until he does,  he represents a danger to me. His choices are to learn the lesson and be rewarded or to continue not learning it and bear the consequences.  My choices are to try to pretend that this lesson unlearned doesn't make him a danger to himself,  to me,  and to anyone else who trusts him and so become accomplice to the damage it does  while continuing to be hurt throughout OR to keep my distance waiting for him to learn it and trusting the Universe is making things unfold in the best possible way given the choices made in free will even if I don't fully understand.  I'm choosing the second course and I won't choose to allow myself to come back to him again til this is truly learned by him.  What he chooses is up to him.

We all have karmic bonds we have accrued across lifetimes unless we are in our first life.... My dog was one of my husbands in my last life and I have promised her if she wants it then she can be my son in her next life.  Karmic bonds unfold in their own time and way,  but we are not required to disclose them all to every lover or life partner we have. And just because we have older deeper bonds doesn't mean we would allow those bonds to undermine any other soul contracts we enter into.

As long as I would not choose to have a relationship with Eric,  and I can't/won't til this most recent betrayal from him heals AND he has properly learned his lesson he keeps failing,  then that karmic bond to Eric is not relevant to any other relationships in this life or any other of mine..... It doesn't matter how much I miss him with each breath - the only thing that matters is his karmic lesson he has to learn, my healing from the damage of what has happened due to him not learning it,  and however I fill my lives and my time while waiting for him to finally learn this lesson so that at some point he can be trusted not to knowingly choose to cause me or anyone else harm under the influence of someone else's manipulation.... And he's not yet there,  I have no control over when he will be,  and I have lives to live in the interim until he does.  Including this life.

But there's no reason for me to hurt David,  or anyone else, by talking about it while I wait.  Not even when Eric manages to transcend his ego to enfold me in his love from that pure place within him. Because he can do that,  and I must admit it brings me joy and comfort - but it doesn't change the lesson he still must learn for us to ever build anything more permanent.

Yesterday Facebook memories reminded me it's been 10 years now since I saw that black dog ghost just down the road from my work...

That was the night that in the wee hours of that early morning while driving home with my dog and I saw the black dog ghost laying in the crossroad where Island Dr becomes Inner Dr. It seemed surprised I saw it but calm til I turned back the way I'd come from thinking to help it. It bristled and its eyes glowed even brighter as it made it clear it wouldn't let me go back the way I'd come from and I was to go straight home.  It only lay back down when I turned around to head home since it wasn't injured.  And then while standing there,  it winked at me just vanished....  There was also a severe storm later that night/morning before sunrise that started right after Audrey and I got home and I'd locked my front door....

I've only seen the black dog ghost that one time, though I've enountered deer and coyotes with cubs and foxes and the barred owl in the woods right where the road curves past the crossroad.  And I've had three scary experiences right after rounding the curve right there.... One heading the way the black dog ghost wouldn't let me go where the bottom of the hill at the curve had black ice and I spun out in a full 360 across both lanes and I still don't understand how the car that came around the curve didn't hit me. And the other two happened heading home the direction the black wolf dog allowed.  One a huge branch fell off a tree not even a foot behind my car where I'd just been.  The other was when my right front tire went flying off while I was driving at 5am due to negligence from Firestone not properly tightening all the lugnuts after an oil change and tire rotation - the damage from trying to stop the car pull over without a tire caused structural damage that totalled the Prius...but if it had happened anywhere but on a residential street in the early morning with nobody around and anything faster than I was going, that tire falling off would probably have totalled me as well.... 

Wyrd shit at that crossroads, but so far all protecting me from a potentially worse situation happening. Haven't seen the black dog ghost again though. But I can tell when he's there guarding that crossroad, even while I'm at work (which is near to it) or it's the middle of the day.


Also. I'm really loving the Milwaukee Irish Fest livestreams!!!  Since we can't actually go to the fest because it can't safely be held, this is the next best thing and they've being doing a brilliant job with it!   Especially with tonight's schedule ending with the 2018 We Banjo 3 & Skerryvoe & guests Beatles tribute set!!! Tomorrow night will end with the best of Irish Rock set that We Banjo 3 & Skerryvore 7 guests did!!! it was so good!!!! Ended up accidentally meeting David's Nashville neighbors who ended up right next to me for that set and who were quite nice and fun, lol.

frank turner had a live concert stream today (with all the money going to his touring staff) and i decided that, "Fuck it! If at home is the best I have for concerts until I don't know when, then I'm going to turn up the volume, put my head down and jump and dance like a fool as if I'm halfway back at a big show and not close enough for moshing or any real sense of connection with the artist anyway.  And I don't get to stop dancing and jumping up and down til the punk show ends!"

And it fucking worked!

still not as good as being at an actual show, but better than I expected. I think also some of it was the decision Frank (and the Sleeping Souls) made to perform it inside a warehouse of all places and have a clear but still gritty slightly echoy club show sound to it. Because part of why a lot of filmed concerts don't sound like real shows is because they go direct feed and don't get the all around acoustic bounce sound of the space well. But things like home live streams, with just the single mic source also lack that full sound you get at a live show where it's bouncing off every surface of the space you're in.

And in case you either didn't spend the $15/ticket or just don't care about frank as much as I do, here's the setlist and you can read through the lyrics yourself to understand why I love his songs so fucking much and why his setlist songs were so fucking perfect for this moment and all the myriad ways of trying to grapple with this moment in the world. (I have been a diehard fan of his since I heard the release of Love, Ire & Song back in 2008 and in the intervening 12 years I never miss a chance to support him or make it to his shows unless I have a prior commitment -- because he NEVER puts on a bad show and I am loyal af unless you do me wrong (and Frank is punk af not the sort to ever do wrong by his ethics.) I've always been that way.  If I love your music and what you as an artist/individual stand for, you have to actively TRY to lose me as a fan.)

Get Better
1933
The Lioness
Try This At Home
If Ever I Stray
Photosynthesis
Polaroid Picture
Long Live the Queen
Little Changes
I Am Disappeared
The Next Storm
The Road
Out of Breath
Recovery
I Still Believe
Four Simple Words

Ugh but that made me so fucking happy!!!!!!!  I may have to go back and rewatch it just because I need it so much right now! God I've missed Frank as his punk self so much! His lives from at home with his wife (whose voice I'm not particularly keen on) and cat just lack the same power and scrappiness that i love so much about him!

And then on Tuesday, Crissy and Mikaela and I will be driving to Milwaukee to pick up Jameson custard from Gilles (an Irish Fest tradition) and then meeting up for socially distanced hanging out by the lake right outside the Summerfest (and Irishfest) grounds with Alana, Maddie, and Keito!!!!

And then Milwaukee Irishfest will be doing Milwaukee Irishfest from Home and I'm super excited for their schedule!!!! I'm especially excited to get to rewatch/relive those We Banjo 3 and co. sets as they were amazing to see live!!!!

And THEN on Aug 29, We Banjo 3 are hosting their own Follow the Light digital festival with some of their favorite people!!! Which I'm looking forward to seeing what they do with it!

For the record, I don't think it was another person or interacting with that person that was what Eric did. I genuinely would lay money on it having something to do with him going live on the band's instagram account and not a damn thing else -- it burned the same way it has every time he's done it since the end of Kickstarter live countdown HE chose to do immediately after me telling him,personally, as well as the band about how I'd beenblocked on the band account for having been honest that the country music would stop me attending future concerts AND NOBODY in the band even RESPONDED to all my attempts to tell them about how that blocking made ALL of them bullies taking part in a system of injustice EVERY time they did anything exclusively on the band Instagram without rectifying what had happened in the past.   That burning down the bond is very specific and it's happened every time I KNOW he/they announced Eric would be going live on the band's Instagram account as well as EVERY fucking Friday for a long space of  quarantine era.

So my intuition tells me that that's what it was -- that he went live on the band account and that's what caused the burning like a strong hydrochloric acid along the bond....

The only reason I brought up the idea of someone else manipulating him is because whether going live on the badn account was HIS idea or the idea of someone else who persuaded him it was, I don't actually fucking care whose idea it was. he was the one who chose to ACT on that idea, to ACT in a way that betrays the ethics he has claimed to stand for by him actively taking part in a system of ostracism and bullying and injustice towards any fan(s) who were blocked for having been honest to the band and not a damn thing else.

You see, I don't care whose initial idea it was -- sure someone else is guilty of destroying something he has sought for his entire life and MANY past lives and all his chances to fix it this life -- whoever told him and convinced him to go live on the band account is guilty as hell of tempting him to knowingly ruin everything in his life that mattered deepest....They now have some horribly bad karma with him as a result -- but they have no karma with me. Only he has karma with me as a result of this.  BUT, no matter what they said or how convincing they have been, he still has free will and he is the one who chose to listen to their persuasion and to act in the way he did. He doesn't get a pass just because it might not have been his idea -- he knew better and he did it anyway. And that's the problem and why he is toxic and can't be trusted for crossing that red line.

It's not about how large or small, how world-changing or petty, the Universe judges on intent and foreknowledge -- it's about the muddied ethics and the knowingly doing a wrong action.

And that's all I will say further on the subject of Eric. Full stop.

I promised I wouldn't shut Eric out or block him out from reaching me via the bond so long as he did nothing to cause me pain or betray by his actions the ethics he claims he stands for.  He just did tonight, right around sunset (so bit after 8ish CST? But before quarter after 8?....) right after I got inside from deadheading lilies and hostas and talking to all my monarch butterfly caterpillars in the milkweed.

And my reaction was to immediately start cutting at the bond and blocking him out because I'm done with the fucking head games.  I don't need to know what he did, I don't need to know his reasons or who the fuck he listened to that convinced him he should do what they suggested. I said no more head games. I warned that I'd leave it be for as long as he didn't betray his ethics or play head games. Tonight he did something that betrayed his ethics and burned like acid down the bond.... So I'm done.

I'll talk to the Goddess about shutting off that karmic entanglement for all the rest of this life. Both she and her brother already distrust him and will raise their arrows at his approach before he reconnected the bond to me.... So I would expect my Goddess to be willing to do this for me. For my sake. to protect me from being hurt by him and his choices.

And if She won't, then I'll go to the fae queen and king for it -- we're in the season their strength is on the rise. Anything they do between the equinox and samhain is particularly powerful. I don't know what it will cost me or what they might ask of me this time, they normally ask nothing of me except that some day, when i grow tired of incarnating, I'll ride with them again.

But until I can talk to them, I'll just put my own energy into blocking him out. I said no more betrayals, intentional hurts, or head games. I was very clear on that. For whatever reason, tonight HE CHOSE to fuck that up and intentionally play head games and knowingly act in ways to betray his ethics and cause hurt knowingly. So I'm done.  And I will be getting someone else to put that bond to sleep for the duration of this life.

I will not give heart space or further energy to someone who cannot respect me enough to listen when I ask him not to intentionally do things to cause me pain and who will violate his stated ethical codes. A person who will do that REGARDLESS HIS REASONS OR WHOSE PERSUASION HE LISTENED TO is toxic and cannot be trusted.  There is no place in my life or in my heart for a bully or anyone who will powertrip by bullying behavior patterns. Period.  And I will not give him another chance in this life to hurt me any further, whether it be his idea or someone else's convincing him.  Nor will I allow him future life chances until I can believe there's a reason to extend him trust again...

It's time. This as his choice that created this path.  And he did this to himself tonight. When he fucking knew better.

Alright, now I'mma work on reinforcing that block best I can with my own resources while I eat some cheddar goldfish with hummus and maybe a garden cucumber while rewatching one of Dave's livestreams (maybe one of his patreon ones, there are some very sweet ones there -- like when he FINALLY played Ain't Nobody Else Like You which he's only ever played live one, as an acoustic before dinner on the first Ireland fan trip.  Then again, the opening lines are "Cuz real tall girls are smart as hell. Ones who ring out like a bell." yeah, um, that's not even the most obvious line in it referring to me...and in the live version, it's ALWAYS "cuz there ain't nobody else like you" and none of them as "but they're ain't nobody else like you" how he originally wrote it while he was wanting me but seriously in love with his then girlfriend Maya-nika....who I think he'd have married if she hadn't cheated on him while he was on tour and then broken up with him for never being home... Though why you'd date a touring musician without accepting beforehand that they won't be home all the time is utterly baffling to me..... but other than the parts about Maya-nika being, all the verses in the original refer to me. And by changing all of them to cuz and none of them as but, it just sounds like the whole damn song is about me -- or someone just like me who ticks off all those boxes, lol.) And then I'll water the indoor plants since they're all thirsty and yelling at me. 

And. For the record. Nothing has changed.

It remains my intention to choose to be with David whenever he has a chance to ask now that he has made up his mind on the matter. He makes me uncomplicatedly irrationally happy every time I see him. Which is why whatever comes of anything we can grow between us, I find it worth pursuing in this life since I've had to set aside the possibility of having Eric in my life for now and the foreseeable future due to his choices and the consequences thereof. My number one reason why I intentionally kept Dave at a distance for all these years and encouraged him to seek other girlfriends is that I didn't trust me not to hurt Dave and hurt him deeply if I chose to be with him while still feeling the stronger pull to Eric that he might ever ask me to act upon. There were a couple other reasons as well that I thought I'd be a bad choice for Dave to get serious about, but this was always the biggest reason of all. I didn't trust myself not to hurt Dave while Eric was an option fo rme. The damage caused by Eric's choice in August freed me of that concern about me hurting Dave despite the intensity of my desire not to -- it was Eric's choice that caused the change in me to open up to really giving David a chance if it's what he wants and chooses.

And also. I deserve to welcome into my life someone who makes me uncomplicatedly irrationally happy if I can. And Eric freed me to do that by his choice to knowingly take part in a system of ostracism and bullying on the band's instagram account. The choices made by his sister and by him in the name of the entire band are what freed me to give David his chance with me if he chooses it, guilt free and free of fear that I'd just end up hurting Dave if I gave him his chance.

And it is still my intention to keep my distance and separation from Eric. because I still don't trust his ethics since he sees nothing wrong with knowingly taking part in a system of inequality and bullying created in his and the rest of the band's name. That remains as unchanged and broken as ever.  Nothing has been done to fix or heal any of that..... Just because Eric was able to transcend his own sorrow and pain in order to hold me in his love for a few hours on one night doesn't mean that any thing at all has been done to fix that wrong or prove that there's a stronger ethical core to him/them than words that their actions prove the lie.

It is still my intention to choose David when he asks and to keep as mich distance inside me as I can from Eric while I question and disbelieve his ethical choices due to the band's instagram page and how it has been used. And you should know about me that once David does act upon his choice,  I will not knowingly be party to sabotaging what the two of us could grow together.  He is too good a soul to deserve that from me....

I'd be lying and giving you false hope if I pretended that there was any change in any of that...even if I didn't see Dave this weekend as everyone expected until covid cancelled all concerts/fests.

So.  All day I've had something on my mind that I've been turning over and over.  And no matter how I look at it,  I always arrive at only one answer.  I'm not sure it's the right answer,  but it's the only one I can find...

You see, last night, while I slept at like 3am or so (the last hour or two before sunrise when I woke up)  Eric was able to reach me in my dreamspace.  And it wasn't anything anyone would call major.  But it made me happy,  that deep contented everything is right in the world sort of happy.  And it was just him holding me so I could sleep safe in his arms,  not anything else.  And I remember asking him why he was there and he said straight out,  "Just to hold you in my love while you slept. So you wouldn't feel alone." And I asked,  "Even if nothing's healed?  Even though nothing's changed in the outside reality." and he just held me tighter said,  "Even though nothing has healed or changed."  And then I asked,  "How are you here though?  I don't remember letting you back in and I doubt those who watch over me changed their minds on the matter." And he told me he didn't know,  just that he'd wanted to reach me and hold me in his love so that I'd not feel alone and he'd wanted it so strongly he'd felt nothing else, not even his own sorrow or pain.  And then that was it, he just held me so I'd feel the intensity of his love in my inner dreamspace til I woke up - and I'll admit I woke up more rested than I have for getting close to a year now....

And.  There is a way to make sense of it.  There's certain things that a soul in a state of transcendent love can do,  there's actually no warding or block or even an unicarnated being that can bar a soul acting from that place where there is only a strong burning pure concern for someone else and no ego or personal desires mixed in.  It's just not a state that can be taught nor a type of love that is easy to achieve while incarnated....  Ego almost always desires or expects something - and the tiniest sliver of ego desire will cause you to fail at achieving that sort of transcendent love that can bypass all protectors that had previously stopped you.

It's the only answer I can find.... No matter how I turn this over and over...  But I don't know how he was able to bypass his own sorrow and hurting to achieve just that one pure desire that he reach me so I'd not feel alone and to hold onto that purity of love all night.

I don't know if it will happen again.

But I do know that it shook me and calmed me and comforted me in a way nothing else at all ever could.  The way that only that enduring infinite love between our two souls can soothe me.

~*~*~*~

And then today,  while walking the dog,  I realized that if not for covid-19 shutting down all concerts and fest season,  I'd be at Dublin Irishfest this weekend - as would David.  In fact,  not counting this weekend,  I should have seen him 5 other times since the last time I did in March.  And,  I would be seeing him not just this weekend,  but the next two weekends as well.  14 days of opportunities for him actually seeing me in person that covid-19 shutdown of shows took away from him.  Eric would have had 0 in that same span of time.  Pandemic shutdown has equalized that.  O sure, Dave can reach me via social media, and since March 20 Eric has had pretty much no social media means to reach me after I unfollowed Eric (and every member of the band) on all social media platforms over the decision to have a "celebratory" livestream on the band Instagram account (from which I am still blocked for having been honest in 2018 that the country music was going to keep me from attending any further Delta Rae shows) since that remains an exclusionary ostracizing act of bullying to have anything exclusively on the band instagram account while fans are blocked from it for having been honest.

But Dave isn't the sort to ask a girl out via social media or even over the phone.  No matter how much he wants her.  He's the sort to do it in person.  An opportunity he has lacked with him in pandemic related lockdown in Nashville and me going about my normal life up in Madison,  Wisconsin.  (Other than the cancelling of concerts,  theatre,  and Irish fest season, covid-19 related restrictions have barely impacted my life at all.  Other than music and theatre,  I'm fairly solitary and spend time with close friends & family - but mostly just spend time with my fur babies and books and plants and hiking.  Outside of concerts or theatre or Farmer's Market or stopping by my work while I'm there,  your chances of running into me are actually quite low. There's very little that draws me out of my chosen hermitage.)

Anyway.  It's just interesting that even with how certain David is now that I'm what he wants,  I'm still single due to covid-19 cancelling all the opportunities he'd typically have to talk to me in person... And right now,  that seems to honestly be the only thing holding him back and keeping me single right now. The fact that David has lacked for opportunities to talk to me in person - opportunities that if this were a typical year he'd have had in abundance.