So.  Since it's 4:30am and I'm still up because I have no Circadian rhythm unless I'm aligning mine with other people's schedules - which is not the case at all right now since I live by myself (except my fur babies, feather baby,  and green babies) AND since high school I've been able to set my own hours at work because 1) family business (computer repair shop older than me) and 2) my job is graphic design,  clerical, and taking care of my plants at work all of which I can do outside normal work hours. I like working or reading late at night - as an empath I like the quiet without everyone's emotions so loud and draining as constant background noise and I can be more focused productive.  Anyway.  4:30am. Most people sleep but I'm awake. 

I just.... It's weighing on me feeling like I've done wrong by Eric owe him an apology for the hurt and sadness I've given him.  It weighs on me even heavier that he might feel I ceased loving him,  because I haven't... I never could... I just know that without fixing things to have a solid foundation of trust in each other, we can only be toxic not healthy together given how deeply we both care.  And I can't fix that foundation if I'm the only one even willing to try.  So given those parameters, I have to go and keep as distant as possible no matter how deeply it hurts me and how intensely I yearn for him - because to choose otherwise under those parameters hurts us both far more longterm than me distancing myself for as long as things are broken and toxic and he's not willing to face the work that needs to be done to clean out those poisons mixed in and make a solid foundation to build on rather than this broken one....  Change the parameters, find me a better solution, and I'll change my choices change course immediately. I just don't see any better choices open to me right now....  So as a Capricorn moon, given these options I've chosen to endure the martyrdom of making myself miserable by keeping myself distant from him rather than the toxic patterns of us wanting to be together no matter anything else,  even if we hurt each other... I still love him and desire him in every moment of every day and inside me I feel the pull toward him like a compass points north. That's not something changeable, it's fixed always oriented to bring me back to him.  Keeping myself from saying,  "fuck it! Who needs a solid foundation or to remove these poisons so we can be healthy together" and choosing to run back to him where I belong is a constant neverending battle. I can pretend I want somebody else, somebody who makes me happy, but I don't.  I just want Eric. He's the only true north my soul recognizes... 

And I hate feeling that right now I owe him an apology for how much he's hurt over this distance between us.  I hate it and it makes me hate myself for hurting him and not being able to make that right at this point....  Because how can I stop being the reason he hurts except by coming back to him?  But how can I come back to him with this set of choices from the past that is poisoning anything between us?  And how can I clean up this mess if nobody but me will even acknowledge its existence, even after me sending the band account a facebook dm yet again early this month after their kickstarter email urging people "find them on instagram" which is impossible when you're blocked on the band's insta account - a dm to which nobody even bothered responding?  

I mean.  I can't fix the mess from my side alone.  And if it doesn't get fixed,  the poison and rot of it can only destroy the foundations of things worse.... And so I can't let myself come back to him,  even in dream space on our karmic bond, because it would be a temporary relief while worsening the long term problem of that rot and poison under anything we build.... And so I can't make right the wrong of how it hurts him to have me beyond his reach.  And fucking all of it could be fixed by just facing what caused the damage and fixing it.  But I can't do that by myself.  So we're stuck with this stupid and painful option as best that just drains and hurts both him and me no matter how we try to hide it keep going on despite the open wound of it all.  

Which is fucking idiotic.  Especially in this time of humankind's history.... 

And I just.  I'd really like to tell him I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused him by having to distance us this way and ask him to forgive me for how he's been hurt and then figure out how we can heal this all to move forward together in a healthy way.  I just really really want that opportunity - and I can't see a way to get me there.  And I hate myself  that I'm the reason he's hurting inside and yet I can't find my way for us to heal this under the parameters we have to work with.....