I know a place where no one's lost. I know a place where no one cries. Crying at all is not allowed, Not in my castle on a cloud.

 I make no claims or promises from that last post about any major emotional tectonic shifts inside me or how I'm seeing anything from how I've been seeing it these many long months of this year. A dream is a dream and lived life is how one chooses to live it. A dream can be beautiful and cozy and feel like coming home for the first time in a long time and still be just a dream with nothing to show for it in the real world of lived choices. A dream is only a vehicle for a tectonic emotional/mental shift if it changes your understanding or perceptions of things or if it drives a person to make changes in how they choose to live their life. 

And as far as I can see in my lived life, Weds was just another Weds with no obvious reason I can see for the dream I had -- and the choices anyone in the dreams live by in their daily lives haven't changed. and dreaming about someone (even in shared dream space) doesn't mean they want you in their lived life or there's a space for you there. A dream may be a wish your heart makes, but Disney tropes don't shape the choices anybody else makes or change the quotidian.

I'm sorry if that seems overly cynical, but I'm trying to be realistic about the distance between castles we build in the air of our dreaming and the realities in which we live. Yes, the dream was beautiful and emotional and heart healing -- but is there anything I have to show it was more than my own heart's longing? Do I have anything I could hold onto believe it reflected to me what is in his own heart? No, I know only what it showed me is still my own truths and inside my own heart despite everything gone awry creating such a distance and letting go between us. And my own longing has never been a factor in whether I am or am not part of the life he chooses to build for himself. 

As Henry David Thoreau said, "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." But there are no foundations I can build from this castle in the air of my dreaming, not even my vision dreams or shared dream space, when the foundations are about who or what another person decides to have in their own life. And that makes it just a dream. A beautiful dream that promises of a healing that could be. But also, it's still a dream and only in dreams did it shift anything as far as I can tell....

With my Pisces rising and eighth house Scorpio stellium, I live too much already in the realms of dreams and prophecies and what I glimpse slipping through the veils between worlds and time. I can't be letting my dreams revive false hopes in me for a future built on choices nobody else is going to make because those choices/future paths matter only to me at this point. I need something more concrete before I will let me believe that he shared my dream space and it reflected to me his truths as well as revealing to him my own. I need reasons to think the dreams could translate into real world choices of the lives we live. Otherwise why get my hopes up again only to watch them be destroyed once more by the light of reality as it is and his choices for what he wants his life built around this lifetime? Why make myself cry again over what I long for thought could be real but never was chosen by anyone but me? Better to keep telling myself it isn't what he wants isn't what he has chosen for his life thus far or shown any signs he would choose for his future than to open up again old wounds inside me trying to heal. 

It was a dream. A beautiful castle in the air of a dream that made me happy brought a glow to my heart. But still it was only a dream I had. No part of anyone's lived experiences or choices at this time. Not even of my own lived experiences, for all I would choose it if my longing were enough to build the foundations that would make it real. But sometimes, even my wishing and dreaming and visions aren't enough to make the improbable real. At least, not on the strength of just my longing when the freewill choices of others are involved.

[Post title: lyrics from Castle On a Cloud from the musical Les Misérables]