I had another polar bear dream last night/early this morning. I remember it better than the one I had when I was that exhausted running on too little sleep on early Weds morning. It wasn't really a plot driven dream, more an emotional driven dream. He seemed... sad is the wrong word... weight upon him?.... Like trying to move forward and determined to keep going for your goal but with weight upon your limbs like severe anemia or being shackled with chains so everything is harder than it would be if not anemic or without weights strapped upon you - but still determined to keep moving toward the goal despite the difficulty of it.  If there were a word for that state as an emotion, that's where he was at in the dream. Feeling that sort of way because I was so low on belief in his love existing outside of dream space and faith there is a path for us of being together in the real world. And I can understand that. It hurts and is hard to go on when weighed down by the disbelief and doubts of others expectations of you.

But, when something never plays out in someone's real world choices, it's hard to carry faith or belief in it. And the more years that pass the harder that grows because the more years of evidence against it have accumulated. That doesn't change what I want, what I would choose if I could, or how I would react if I saw him right in front of me -- I have a very stubborn heart as well as a very optimistic soul especially when I view things from the long view -- it means doubt in any expectation I can have what i would choose will become real or that our paths will cross again in the quotidian of this lifetime. But also, when the bond is this loud and vibrant, I also fall asleep and wake up and randomly throughout a day will pour love for him down the bond to make sure he feels it as well to know it IS. I can't help it when it's so alive and loud and vibrant a Clarion bell inside me. I will embrace it and love it while I have it, but I don't have any expectations it will stay this time (since it never has before.) If I'm wrong in that assumption and way of seeing it, I look forward to proving me wrong.

It rather confuses me a bit to have had two polar bear dream space connections in under a week.  Not because that's too frequent -- it used to be a lot more frequent then that and would happen every night or nearly every night during some of the peak months/years in the past.  What confuses me is "why now?" After so long with the bond quiet and no dreams, we got close to half a year without me having any dreams or 5d contact with him, I don't understand why it would wake up and be so active again right now. There's nothing in my own life or choices or anything I did that woke it up -- I just welcomed it when the connection opened wide  again. but I don't understand the why of it being like this again right now. I just know it's not due to anything in me or my life or my choices... Which is why I'm currently a bit confused by it. Not confused enough to reject it or anything stupid like that. Just me being confused but happy confused about it existing this way at this time. And me enjoying it while I have it because I don't understand why it's there or for how long I will have it before it disappears again and nothing to show for it in my lived life if/when the dreaming goes away again and the connection doesn't feel so alive and real, especially not in my everyday waking life.

I may be confused and not certain what to conclude from it or what I ought to do other than appreciate it while I have it, but I do know that no amount of thinking or head guidance is going to answer anything for me on this. So I'm going to go make myself some dinner now -- because somehow it's already after 8 and I haven't even started the dinner making process yet. So I'm going to set this aside until I (hopefully, eventually) have some better answers or understanding and for right now at least I'll go put my focus on sustaining this body by making me some dinner.

P.S. In case you were wondering what dinner meant tonight, the answer is Italian three cheese tortellini with veggies (caramelized Vidalia onions, fresh picked Cajun belle and cayenne peppers for some sweet heat (but not overwhelming like my Carolina reapers and trinidad Scorpions and ghost peppers provide), carrots, sweet red pepper, frozen green beans, and fresh basil added right at the end before plating) and a home made arrabbiata style tomato-pepper sauce that I froze after making waaaaay too much of it at that time. It was tasty. Would have been even better with garlic cheese bread or even just a nice crusty bread to appreciate the sauce flavors better and then with the bread it would have been a solid two meals instead of overeating because not enough to save, but alas I did not go to Farmer's Market today so I'm currently completely out of bread until I bake some or go buy some more. I did pair it with a rosé that had been brought up to APT but not drunk because time ran out before the play was to start so then sat in a black car for hours before making it back into a fridge -- so needed to be drunk asap before the oxidizing got worse from the excess heat during its storage.