So earlier in the evening, my head was so busy and it had so many thoughts zipping about and words I wanted to get out of it that I had all sorts of things I wanted to write out here just to get them out of my head. Only I had some work things to get done and somewhere around 8 or 9ish, my overthinking just sort of all settled out of me and cleared without getting it into word forms And now I really can't remember what all it was I wanted to write about. I mean, I could bullet point list the subjects, but not the story telling narrative flow or what in them seemed like it mattered enough to need me telling it out. Most of it probably wasn't important, just writing out about recent things going on in my life on my mind and/or heart to get a better view of it or to release it. I guess if it matters, it will bubble up again and I can write about it at that point.
One of the things I wanted to mention though is still there and it's brighter and clearer now than it was earlier with all those other things swirling about so noisy in my head. So I'll tell that now as best I can.
So yesterday (well, Tues so two days ago now) I had to leave home at like 3:30am (also couldn't sleep before that) to drop off my dog and pickup people for the drive to be sure we could be in downtown Chicago by 7:45a for a work event (hosted by HP at the Aon Center, it was about the expectations of ai within the industry and included presentations and a chance to round table ask questions of reps from Microsoft, Nvidia, and of course HP) which then included a food/drink included event at the Cubs v. Brewers game so didn't get home again until nearly 2am. So it was just a very very long day and I was doing all the driving (yay for ADHD and intermittent migraines since I was 12 meaning no discernible Circadian rhythm or jet lag so I can stay awake for long periods of time and can sleep any time of day or night except the liminal gloaming hours of dusk and dawn so I can do that easily.) which meant that i went to sleep almost right away once home in the wee hours of Weds and slept til sunrise then slept most of the day on Weds until getting up to head in to work to water my outdoor plants. Which is all very banal lifey update quotidian blah blah blah. I know. but that's just the setup of what I wanted to write about that's quite bright inside my head after all the rest of the over wordiness settled out into an inner luminous calm/hope/brightness around 8ish or 9ish tonight. I have no idea the why of that, just the isness of it. And I'm not certain of the time because it was closer to 9 that I looked at the clock, but it had been a while like that before I looked at a clock.
Anyway. The only thing that remained inside me of all the things I had wanted to write about when the rest of the agitating thoughts all settled out into the calming brightness around 8 or 9ish. And that was that in the early hours before sunrise, for the first time in a very long while I had polar bear dreams again. I remembered them and was thinking on it while watching the sunrise before going back to sleep -- but I didn't write them down and the clarity of them faded after I went back to sleep. I remember the feeling of them, the coziness and sense of coming home and joy. And I remember him saying he'd been sad and scared I'd forgotten him or didn't want him anymore and that was why he hadn't been reaching me for so long and I told him that wasn't it at all -- that I didn't see a place for me where I was wanted welcomed in his life so I had given up trying/believing reaching for him could get me anything real but I still and always very much did want him even if I could only have it in shared dream space and that there was only joy inside me whenever the connection flared alive. And I remember that it was like a weight lifting off him when I told him that truth of mine and how there was brightness shining through him after that which had been missing at the start.... And I remember the way it felt like being wrapped in a big hug and cherished after that and waking up with that feeling still flowing through me and surrounding me for the sunrise. And I know that as I drifted back to sleep I sent strong as I could my own love down the bond to be sure he felt it whether waking or sleeping at that point. But then after sleeping again and not writing it down at all, the clarity of the dream had faded so I couldn't tell you where we were or anything else other than that set of messages communicated between us during the shared dream space. And that since then, the bond has been very vibrantly awake and alive and full of light and love all day while I slept and across the hours since I got up....
I don't know why though. I just know the is of what I can remember from the dream I awoke from at sunrise and how it's felt inside my inner space since then...
Anyway, past time I should pack up head home from work. I'm not tired now though, which isn't great as tomorrow evening I have plans to go to APT in Spring Green for a picnic and to see Sueño (severe weather risk allowing) so hopefully after I get home and get into my pyjamas and make me some chamomile tea and read for a bit I can get some sleep so I'll not be toooo sleepy for the play or the drive there and back again.
If/when I have the excess of words that need out over the other things, I guess maybe I'll write up again. But for now, this was the only one still bright and shiny and needing to be written out so it's all you get. O and here's the most recent astro poets horoscope from Sunday if you want it. (and if you don't want it, it's still going to be included and you can just skim or skip it as you desire.)
Astro Poets Horoscopes:
"Week of 8/30 in Libra: Love is there for you. The sweetest emotion and a night. The number 8 that repeats. Do you know what it could be? It is."
"Week of 8/30 in Pisces: The light is bright with orange. It could be a new beginning. It sees itself as it was. There are ways into the future. This is that way."
[Post title: lyrics from the Billy Joel song For the Longest Time. Yesterday I wore my Billy Joel at Wrigley Field Cubbies tee. So maybe that's why this song is in my head tonight after the words all settled out and again as I wrote this. Or maybe it's for reasons unknown to me but that make sense in some cosmic cause and effect transcendent way. Also though, it suits what I did write about, so maybe it's just subconscious associations]
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