I completely failed at doing either of the two things on my planned list for today. Completely failed. I will have to try again tomorrow to make both things happen before I start getting tooo late in the week. (I have no plans tomorrow other than my mother wanted me to come over and watch skating with her and is making chili without pork so i can have it while da is hosting cards -- they will likely have pork in their chili if it's cheaper than the ground beef, just not in mine because of my allergy. Actually, that is one of those many things that I don't know about Diarmaid, the things that make it more of a casual crush I'd pursue if there was a path but I don't expect there to be one -- I have no idea how he'd feel about having to give up bacon and all pork to date me. Or at least, he wouldn't be able to have it if he wanted to kiss me without me throwing up or potentially breaking out in hives. I don't ask friends/family not to eat pork unless we're splitting food or they want to try mine or we're cooking a shared meal, but with dating it's a bit different because what's the point of dating if you can't kiss? And what's the point of kissing if it's going to make me throw up and dry heave because the guy ate bacon or sausage or ham earlier in the day? I mean, you can eat whatever you want I suppose, but you can't kiss me if you've been eating pork and I won't have it in my home because why would I want to risk it? The fact I'm allergic to pork and how high the sensitivity to it has become is, like my witchy gifts being broom closeted, not something that has come up in any conversations thus far. Like, they have to situationally come up for me to bring them up. But it is my truth you have to give up eating any form of pork if you want to kiss me due to my protein sensitivity allergy.)

So why didn't I go take care of dropping off the Scion title and voting today as I'd planned? Well. because. While I was sleeping, I managed to roll over in such a way as to completely dislocate one of my shoulders. Not just minor subluxation which is a relatively normal risk for me with my hypermobility, but fully dislocated out of the socket and everything over pulled/stretched around it. hurt like mofo and woke me up wanting to scream but all I could really do was gritted teeth put it back where it belonged, but I have no idea exactly what I did or how I rolled over to manage that.... So I slept all day to heal, with both animals laying on me not letting me up -- the cat specifically laying on the injured shoulder purring.  It's still not 100% but after like 14 hours of sleep to accelerate healing, it's better enough I can use it and do things without intense burning pain all through the shoulder. I just watered the melodramatic plants yesterday and don't have a big watering of everyone until Weds or Thurs (probably Thurs, Weds night have tickets to see Shamrock Tenors at Overture Hall) I'll be fine, just wasn't allowed out of bed by the animals until I wasn't hurting anymore. (I have to be REALLY careful with hot yoga due to the hypermobility. I enjoy it, but the extra heat loosening up everything makes it very easy to dislocate multiple joints if I have a teacher who pushes for more flexibility without understanding how easily that can lead to dislocation.) So that's why I failed to go to CoPart or the library today to drop off the title or to vote -- I dislocated my shoulder while sleeping and had to sleep to accelerate healing before it was usable again... (Whenever I'm sick or healing, I turn into Sleeping Beauty, my entire body just shuts down so it can accelerate the healing process -- but it means I sleep a LOT of hours until the healing is finished to my body's satisfaction, lol.) 

Anyway. I don't think I was being fair in my last post. Or at least, not giving a fair perspective of things. 

In the first place, we are coming up to a bifurcation of the fatelines -- and I can foresee down both clearly but I don't know which one we go down because there's a lot of free will choices that haven't been made yet. Both remain in the curriculum of what people need to live through who didn't learn about it in past lives yet -- still in accelerated learning/review time.  IMHO, from what I can see down them, true revolution is better, even if it feels more like Civil War without clear territorial boundaries, surprisingly down that path the survival rates are higher and those who live through it will be less damaged. But we are past an age of reformers working within the system hoping they can can save the system -- we are at the point of the fall of the old system and the space made for something new to replace it. Democracy as you knew it is ended because there's no habeas corpus and no fig leaf rule of law or division of powers any longer -- so something new is coming, what it will be is the penny in the air.  And your choices right now are White Supremacist Christo-fascist technocrat broligarchs or revolution/civil war and seeing what is grown/rebuilt from the rubble. I'd rather take my chances on what new can be grown/built from the rubble with the lessons learned from all this because there are paths to beautiful greener true clean tech Gaia revering futures there and the brutality and suffering of the other path is beyond anything most people currently alive can imagine... But I can't see which one plays out because it could still be either, there are still free will choices to be made that haven't been made yet so I can't see which it will be. It depends on a lot of people, and not just within the USA. Messy as this fight will be, I'd rather be here than anywhere in mainland Europe or in the south Pacific or the Middle East with what's coming in those regions between Putin, Xi, and Netanyahu/Iran proxies... We shall see what happens, but it gets bleaker before it gets brighter. No matter which of the potential fatelines of the democracy devolving into either of the two fates that Machiavelli clearly stated must await republics/democracies after 250 years -- oligarchs or mob rule then oligarchs unless something happens that push people to revolution through hunger/needs unmet.

 And that is part of what has me in a rather brutal to myself "I need to be realist right now and plant my focus into reality because I can't afford to be blindsided by it" mood. And that's just part of the isness of this moment in time and it's not his fault at all nor anything he could fix or change or do anything about. Best he could do would be to make himself in some way a part of my actual life and I don't expect that because nothing has really been built to get us there.

I'm not upset with him, I can absolutely guarantee you that if he just showed up at my door standing right in front of me my first instinct would be delight and to want to hug him just for his isness and him being there. I mean, look, every time I see him with a heaviness or sadness on him, all I want to do is hug him and kiss the corners of his mouth that turn down when he's upset until he starts smiling even though I have nothing in this life to make me believe that would help or be welcomed or any right for me to do it.  It's just what I feel the impetus in me to do whenever I see a heaviness on his heart or soul.  It's completely illogical within the context of the distances between us, but it's my immediate knee jerk reaction every time. And I will own I was sitting in believing the harshest conclusions that could be drawn from what little I have had to observe/digest over the last couple weeks. (And I didn't write about it here while struggling with the "and so what am I to conclude?" from the information I was gifted in his video.) All that I know is he decided to move back there to that same space and that he considers that time pivotal -- it's an assumption that it's because he wants a redo to find someone else like the one he let get away and I could just as easily assume that it's because he followed the thread back of his own labyrinth and when he lived there was the last time that the bond was open uncomplicated and I'd never even considered shutting him out or that he might want/choose someone other than seeking for me. Both are assumptions and his reasons could be completely different or some mix of all of the above of searching for a place that for him feels like coming home because he doesn't have it. But I don't know enough to draw a conclusion let alone one that reeks so much of accusation that he's still wanting his girlfriend from the past who has long since moved on with her own life -- technically what he said was that he was overthinking making the biggest mistake of his life but he didn't say whether staying with her or leaving her would have been the mistake just that he recognized he was facing that risk. And I have no insights down the bond about that, he was struggling with that question while cut off from the bond reaching me, it was while it was asleep after I asked the Oak King to stop me from receiving overlays of his strong emotional moments with his then girlfriend because I didn't find it right for me to be receiving them. So he was cut off from reaching me via the bond while he was trying to figure that out, and he was cut off from me for a while before I woke the bond back up after he found me in dream space -- I had a LOT of dream space vision dreams with the fairfolk during that gap while the bond was dormant. But it is a gap of absence where I wasn't receiving from him or vice versa.

But I shouldn't assume what it is he's doing or seeking and his reasons for it right now, that's for him to share if he chooses. I'm still going to be focusing my time/energy into what IS in my real world and only those people/things who choose me and desire me enough to choose me and welcome me. But I'm sorry for the conclusions I spoke as if they were truth when they were only assumptions and the worst possible readings I could have construed his state of isness. I think I'm just a bit more likely to draw myself to those conclusions because I genuinely don't see a place for me in his life as it's been built with the choices that have been made, especially since 2018 -- it doesn't mean it's a true set of conclusions or assumptions, and I can't say they aren't built from the idea of confronting the worst case scenarios (which for me are the ones where he never felt the pull of the bond, never wanted or sought me, that it's only a one sided spiritual soul understanding.) Yes that's the conclusions inside my head that have been bombarding me claiming their truth over the last several weeks trying to shape my view of him and his choices -- but that doesn't make them his truth. And I'm sorry for having stated it as if it is THE truth without anything more concrete than assumptions and (mis)understandings of a limited set of information I have at my disposal.

 It is rather curious that both Eric and Diarmaid remind me of bears and I wake up in them their past lives as Vikings. (Although only Eric is a polar bear to my inner sight, Diarmaid is more of a reddish Eurasian brown bear -- but still they're both bears.) There's something there that feels like the Universe saying to me, "If Eric won't choose you and you can't build together, here is the gift for you from your past lives for another path you can take for happiness and love in this life." I mean, Diarmaid literally only crossed my path in August and before that I didn't even know he existed -- this is a fairly new alternate path for me to even consider and really the USA is rather too dangerous in my opinion for foreigners right now for pursuing it even somewhat seriously for me to see how we could grow it into a relationship at this point in time.

 Right now I can't see very far ahead again with my gifts, all the fatelines are very snarled up around the next place of bifurcation at a national/global level -- I can see the major events on both of them very clearly but not the little things and I don't know which one will be chosen. So I could be completely blinded by what I can't see right now and wrong about my conclusions and understanding -- and I would much prefer to be corrected with his actual truth than to sit in misunderstanding and wrong assumptions. 

Also. I've been feeling antsy that I ought to be doing something with the state of imminence of what's coming. And the Goddess has told me to keep doing what I'm doing and time stamping to help the divine outside the 3d find precisely when Divine timing requires they intercede once asked. And when I didn't like that answer and went to the awakened Durga who's back in the world she told me the single best thing I can do in this nexus of time is to stay alive make sure I don't die before I'm needed.  Neither helped me figure out anything active I could do about the human level or the spiritual level of the current battles. And so I think there's just something inside me right now that wants some form of decisive action -- EVEN IF it's all the wrong headed action it would be something decisive and active rather than waiting and nothing changes for the better from my perspective during the waiting. I'm feeling really tired of being patient and waiting, i want to see something real and tangible changing NOW.

But anyway, I spent a lot of time laying in bed today with pain from having dislocated my shoulder in my sleep again and with my dog and my cat both laying on me like weighted blankets to make sure I didn't even try to get up until the shoulder was healed enough to be usable. And when I wasn't sleeping to heal, I was feeling a sad upon me and a sense of guilt that if Eric knew those were my conclusions I've been sitting in regarding him, he'd be really hurt and saddened by it and it would deflate his recent joy in his life path choices and what he's trying to do... Which wasn't at all my intention -- it's my truth I've been sitting in making me accept those conclusions as much as I hate them and it hurts to think it true but I never considered how that set of conclusions built of assumptions and half understood evidence maybe would hurt him and isn't his truth. And today while I was laying there with so much pain in my shoulder and accelerated healing of it, I realized the potential for hurting him if he knew that's the conclusions I drew... Especially in light of how much love has been pouring in down the bond from him since Venus went cazimi a few days ago. And I mean REALLY strongly his love pouring in down the bond.