All that last post said is among my truths still, as it has been for a long while now.... But right alongside it is important for me to be honest about another truth: 

I have never known anything brighter or more full of love or that feels so much like coming home or more incandescently luminous holy/sacred feeling as when the heady strong love light comes pouring freely down through the bond between us. I've just never experienced anything like that in any other context or with any other soul or  in any relationship of my own that I've had in the past while waiting for him to want me enough to choose me. There's just nothing else I know to be like that or to be full of light and love overflowing that same way. 

And that's just a truth of the isness of the bond for me. It's how I experience it when it's full of love and hope and strength, not blocked or closed off or one of us chooses other paths/relationships to invest in so it's not a free flowing connection.

And that's just as important a part of my truth as me acknowledging I currently still default to those learned ways of thinking about what might be for his greatest happiness to have in his life this lifetime. 

These things are both simultaneously true for me despite the cognitive dissonance and tension it causes and it's why I've not yet been able to say "enough is enough, I'm done" just completely detached let go, given up and washed my hands of everything to do with this situation. I've come close, but never yet managed to completely see through the walking away without looking back or feeling pulled back by his hurting after I try to let him go for the sake of his choices and his happiness. But time has worn me down is exhausting me and every iteration of this same pattern I get closer to walking away and not letting him back in for the remainder of this life. Which is why even knowing how bright and full of powerful love the flow down the bond is, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep choosing to reopen up to him after he chooses to fall in love with someone else build himself a life I can be no part of ... I just don't know how many more times I have it in me before I just leave it shut down and closed off and accept we have reached the point that from here we must both must walk separate life paths this lifetime. I just don't know, and I don't trust I can do it again without knowing for certain that it matters to him and he's holding tightly onto his side wanting it for himself this life. It's just been too long wearing me down with having to accept these conclusions from the past choices that seem to leave no place for me in the life he chooses to build.

And. Even if I do have to give up on it in this lifetime because I genuinely think he's wanting other people elsewhere not the pull of the bond with me and anyway there's no place for me within his life....it would only be for the remainder of this lifetime I'd close it off for him not to reach me while he pursues whatever other women he's in love with and I pursued whatever other men could bring me a life full of joys and love this lifetime. It would only be closed off for the remainder of this life giving up on reunion THIS time. Not for always, just for the remainder of this life. 

I'd still rather not have to give up the connection and how soul filling unto overflowing and healing it is with that much love and strength pouring through it, but I will knowingly do it if I truly believe doing so will give him the happiness he chooses and seeks in his life. But only for this lifetime. I'd not be giving up forever on reunion and having that connection open full of brightness and love, just giving up on it in THIS finite lifetime we could have shared a life path on. 

There's an important distinction there. And also it's an important truth to know nothing with anyone else is even the slightest bit like the bond/connection to him is for me. And that I know now with full knowledge exactly what I'm giving up when I offer or decide to do so thinking it is for his greatest happiness he's choosing for himself that I would do so. 

*shrugs* there's a lot of opacity for me in all of it. A lot of free will choices not yet made so I can't see which fateline is followed... And I need to drink my coffee in my mug faster now that the fire alarm test at my condo is done moved on to another building. So I can take the rest of the coffee in my to go mug and go drop off the dog before taking my grandma to her afternoon dentist appointment... Before maybe having time to in person absentee vote before meeting to finalize the up the hill APT ticket purchases with people. (Still haven't dropped off the title or voted, between dislocating my shoulder like that on Monday wasting a whole day sleeping in bed for it to heal and migraines due to solar/barometric pressure shifts, it's been quite a week with very little to show for it in tangible accomplishments thus far in my world.... Did see Shamrock Tenors last night, and Tom from Choir of Man is also a member of Shamrock Tenors, and enjoyed them enough Crissy and I decided worth the early midday drive down to Chicago on Sunday to see them again, lol. First week of April is currently RIDICULOUSLY busy for me, but then I do have a 2 week gap with nothing in my calendar except checking on Henry while Crissy is out of town. Also the Seder and Easter, but my family doesn't really do anything for either any longer sooooo yeah. )