I've not written here in a while, I know. I've just not had much to say here. It's not that life hasn't been happening and things haven't been moving forward, I just haven't felt much like writing about it here. I also forgot to share the book post for the last couple months and we're nearly 1/3 of the way through September, so I'll just do it as a three month post for the last months of the year. It'll be fine. And anyway, August was soooo busy that I really didn't read anything near as much as I usually do and didn't even finish any of my books I was in the middle of reading during Irish fest season. But more than that, I just haven't really wanted to write here all that much recently. Not angsting over it, not desiring, just sort of.... not feeling the desire or need for it.

If I'm honest (and I do always try to be honest after all, especially here, even if it takes me a while to get there) it's in part because I'm sitting in a place of.... Acceptance and joy for what IS in my life and hope and curiosity for what the Universe has in store for me next. You'd think it might be otherwise, y'know? But those are the emotions. Also a bit of money stress because the Universe provides but damn I've been shoe stringing and a prayer getting myself through this life because that's the only answer I found when I soul searched for how to survive the dying days of decadence while contributing the least to the worst time lines and keeping things on a path (even if it is a stepping stone path) to get the Universe onto brighter paths where humanity as a vehicle for reincarnation can learn without destroying itself and the planet it was born on. Perhaps one of these days I'll choose a path a little bit less close to the bone, but I'd have to have a good reason for it. For now I am still happy with my choice to wander among the best and brightest joys I can find and to spin the world lighter and brighter by my touch upon it. This is after all a reward lifetime for me, so long as the conditions I asked for are met, it cannot help but be a bright one even if  in the eyes of the world I monetarily cut things close to the bone in the wandering ways it happens.

Did you think I would be sorrowing or angry or trying to fight somehow instead of accepting? You clearly don't know me. And anyway, it's been centuries of fighting to give him the time/space to change to live under the aegis of responsibility for his own choices rather than hiding behind the choices others he trusts/feels loyalty toward dictate that he follow -- there comes a point when even I accept that abnegating his responsibility of his own free will so he does not set his own choices but instead allows the choices others make for him IS his choice. Didn't quite take me 600 years to accept it as his truth, but nearly 600 and in the scheme of all the lives we've lived thus far we can call 593 years is just a rounding error to be 600. It doesn't mean he CAN'T still learn the lesson, it just means that I choose now to free him and me from my EXPECTATION he will and release us both to pursue whatever paths we best choose until such time as he has learned it and learned it truly so we CAN actually learn new lessons together.  Because as long as I am holding onto the expectation he WILL learn it if I just hold faith in him, I make myself the price and collateral of every time he fails to learn it. And I deserve better than that -- to choose that is to chain us both to him choosing to allow others to make choices in his name and for him to stand behind them as his own choices. And he can stay chained to that unlearned lesson as long as he wants, but I do not wish to be chained to it and I free myself of it even if it means accepting the truth of his choices as they are and releasing all expectations of him to be better than he has shown himself to be. Nearly 6 years of fighting it this life to set free of nearly 600 years of the pattern.

I'm stubborn, but eventually even I can learn to stop fighting and to let go find another way because free will is ALWAYS sacrosanct. even if you don't like it. And if it's his free will to allow others to make/guide his choices based on what THEY choose rather than what he would choose or would consider ethical, then that IS his choice.

As I have said, I wish for him only the best and brightest of what he seeks and chooses for himself on the path he follows to his future self-- but I release us both from any expectation that will include me in this life or that he will choose not to let himself be used as a source of pain and hurt and harm to me by this unhealed unlearned lesson from his past lives. 

I don't ask you to like it, I don't like it myself. But liking doesn't change the facts that: neither his sister nor the band nor her choices touch my life in any way EXCEPT when I allow him to touch my life and he is used as the medium of her bullying. If he's not acting as her tool for her bullying via ostracism OR if he's not in my life THEN there's no capacity for her choices to affect me in any way let alone cause any hurt to me. It's really that simple. And since he either won't choose or won't act so as not to be the tool of the harm her choices created and continue to cause, then I will do what is within my power in this situation and simply let him go to his choices.*shrugs* Is what it is. What else do you want me to do? Get upset with him for sharing things he's done that he should be proud of that his sister's choices disclude me from being a part of? Just keep letting him (whether knowingly or unknowingly) be used as a cause of hurt to me no matter how toxic that dynamic becomes? Tell me how either of those options are better than me walking away from the only thing connecting me to any of the mess that his sister created and he allows to continue be perpetrated in his name. Letting him go is the best of the options available to me since he won't stand up against choices made in his name that he perpetuates. And every thing in the Universe is lining up to agree with that choice I made.

I can't say I haven't asked about him of my tarot decks or my oracle deck. But I will say that until Uranus went retrograde, my decks refused to let ANY cards fly regarding him or Keith or Dave -- they would only answer questions I posed them about Diarmaid. All cards pertaining to Diarmaid are only of joy and love and reunion and bright prosperous future and for me to trust in the path I can't see but that leads me to greater blessings from the Universe than I had imagined. Which isn't at all what I expected it to say, but didn't actually surprise me any time I was told so. And since they started answering about Eric when they do answer (and some decks still won't pop any cards if I try to ask them) they have said only that if I don't accept the truth of choices made thus far and choose a different path, the tower will force me to anyway, whether I do so gracefully or not is up to me. They wouldn't answer about Keith for those several weeks either and now they just tell me he's working and healing and that's all I can get from them about him so I accept that's his truth and I follow him but with no expectations or hopes or desires beyond "I like you as a human soul and I'm curious what you'll create and share and do next." Which is where I'm sitting regarding Keith right now because he's still healing from his last breakup so he's still kind of in that "not available" mental category for me.

Cards are cards, and I don't lay spreads for myself and my own questions (I lay spreads for other people's questions just not for me) instead I read the cards that high energy pop out while I'm shuffling. I also ask before I start that they give me insight into the objective truth, especially the hard truths as opposed to the cards telling me what I want to hear. I can't explain why the cards have spent so many weeks refusing to tell me anything about anyone other than Diarmaid and where I need to be putting my energy in any of the aspects of my life. (Including the energy work clearing and dark entity battling that I do, in my free time.) but that doesn't mean that the cards haven't spoken truths in their own way.

 I don't know for certain what will come of that path or choices -- it may lead nowhere at all. I do know that Diarmaid makes me feel bright and a light in the heart when I see him and reminds me of past lives we shared that I had forgotten about but which were only ever bright in the times we shared together and that right now I miss him when he's gone and it made me sad that I don't know when I'll be seeing him next. But of where that path leads? I see nothing. But then you know, I did ask to have my precogs blinded on only two things: 1) sports 2) happy surprises because knowing either of those two things ahead removed joy from my life about experiencing them unfolding in real time. I mean, my rule I made with myself was no more dating when I can see the end before the beginning -- and while I could see nothing because there is nothing to see, but also seeing nothing isn't the same as seeing an ending. It's just an unknown. A blank canvas of choices not yet made. That and the promise of brightness is all I see if I try to peek forward down fatelines connecting me to Diarmaid. (And anyway, it doesn't really much matter right now -- he's back in Ireland far from me and with a very full tour schedule for the next while and no idea when or how our paths will cross next. Besides. It's all just hypothetical unless/until he gets up the courage to make it something other than hypothetical.)

*shrugs* Apparently I don't know much right now and I'm running solely on intuition and the best I feel like I can choose in the moment, like most people without the gift of precog have to muddle their way through their life paths.

But I have chosen that regarding Eric, choosing the status quo rather than doing something about changing things so he's not being used in the middle to cause the hurt of his sister's choices in the band's name IS a choice on his part. And while he didn't choose to create the situation back in 2018, he hasn't chosen to do any damn thing to change it or not be used caught in the middle the way he has been -- and that's his choice and I accept it as such. And my choice in light of accepting that is his choice is simply to let him go and wish him well on whatever path it is he does choose for himself -- because without me holding on to the connection to him, his sister's choices in the band's name and his choices to let himself be used as the tool of her bullying via ostracism are all choices that don't affect me or touch me at all. Because at this point, both his sister and his band only exist in my life touch my life because they matter to him, because of their connection to him and trying to hang onto having him in my life.  They only have any power over hurting me so long as I hold onto the connection to him, let him go and nothing his sister does or the band does or the consequences of her choices have any effect on me whatsoever. And I choose to take my power back -- I never agreed to give it to her to hold over me and the only power she wields is her power over her brother and his ability to hurt me by acting as her proxy -- even that false chain of power hold over me is gone by me letting him go his chosen path wherever it takes him, to let him go hold no expectations to have him touching my life at all this lifetime where she is so entwined through all his choices making his choices for him because he won't choose not to let himself be used by other peoples choices to cause harm by taking part in bullying via ostracism.

And really, at this point, what is there that's healthy that I'm letting go of in letting go of him by accepting his choices of inaction as being his choices?  When you feel powerless to make any of the choices that might change the situation, than the way to take your power back is in the only choice remaining to you -- that you can always let go and leave the situation if you cannot make choices to improve and better it. So I am taking the choice that is open to me. If it is not the best way, then find me the better way -- because as I see it right now, my only choices are to stay holding on to the toxic that is not improving after six years of the same patterns or to let go of what his sister rendered toxic by her choices and what his choices have allowed to remain toxic. Because if those are my only options, I know that more of the same path will only get me more of the same toxic patterns -- so I will choose to let him go and to try something new if those are my only choices.

I'm more interested in discovering what good things there are coming down new paths opening than focusing on the ill things that past choices bred. Y'know?

 

Anyway, sorry about missing the book post, I just haven't much felt like writing here is all and lost track of time, and here we are now nearly a third of the way through September. I'll just finish appending September books in with July and August then do the last three of the year together as well.

P.S. These two things, regarding Eric and Diarmaid, are unrelated in any way other than dealing with matters of the heart (or lack thereof, since I just feel calm acceptance about letting go of Eric to release the toxicity from being able to reach me.)  I arrived at the decision to accept his choices (or lack thereof) and to let him go at least a month earlier in the summer before I ever even crossed paths with Diarmaid -- and he took me completely by surprise. I'd have noticed him anyway and been interested in him even if I hadn't come to my internal decision of acceptance of Eric's choices over the last nearly six years. Other than having listened to the harmonies of Onoir to know I wanted to prioritize seeing them when I saw they were scheduled to play at every Irishfest I was going to this summer, I actually didn't see anything at all of pictures or videos and so had no idea anything coming or about them other than how their voices sound together. But the two things are not necessarily linked beyond sitting in the place of acceptance may have made me more open to seeing what is and could be with both Keith and Diarmaid.