So I've been sitting pretty comfortably in the place of acceptance within me that I'm done repeating the toxic cycles and patterns that were created by the choices Britt and Liz made for themselves as individuals and for the band as a collective back in 2018 and that the ripple of those choices have created a set of circumstances in which there is no place for me within Eric's life as he lives it this life -- and that's how it is for him and with him. That there is nothing within my own life that rejects him or says he has no place in it, all of it is coming from the attachments on his life and how he allows them to decide his life path and life choices for him and define what is and isn't to be in his life -- and that's about him and his path and his lessons and his boundaries and there's really nothing for me to do about it other than accept the truths that I have been shown by these repeating patterns. And, at least for right now, that doesn't hurt or anger or even sadden me any longer. I've just been accepting it and setting it aside and focusing on what and who IS in my life and not bothering my pretty little head or troubling my heart over whatever/whoever doesn't want to be in my life or isn't allowed to be in my life because of third party restrictions they embrace/allow.  Which has probably been easier because I've been held so close and loved so very much by so many within the Irish music community and just so welcomed and wanted for the last month. Will I sit in the same head/heart space now that those highs are being equalized back down to the everyday quotidian norm of my life as it is at this time? Je ne sais pas. On verra. But for right now, I have no expectations one way or the other and not even letting me desire or want anything from that connection (or lack thereof) because there's no rejection or obstacles from my side or any connections to me -- they're all due to his attachments within his life and the boundaries/obstacles they have placed in his path to determine his life path and where he is headed and where he is blocked. *shrugs* And how can I unblock his path when the blocks have nothing to do with anyone in my life and only to do with choices people attached to him in his life created and still maintain? They quite literally only exist at all to me in my life due to their connection to him.

Speaking of my month long Irishfesting... I shook loose many past lives in others and they helped me reawaken other past lives of my own that I hadn't looked into in a long while, and certainly not while so fixated on this one connection across past lives. I'm used to me shaking up to the conscious mind the past lives of others, but I'm not used to it happening to me to remember ones I've not thought of in a long time or parts of past selves I've not looked at in a long time.  I was expecting a bit of sadness in me when the last of the two weekends seeing Seo Linn rolled around. And I did and I still am, I still miss them very much am looking forward to whenever I next get to see them. But what I didn't see coming is how deeply I'm missing Diarmaid (who I'd never crossed paths with in this life before this Irish season) and how intensely sad it's been making me all week to be facing the truth that after four weekends in a row (and some weekdays as well) of getting to see/hear and opportunities to have a wee chat with him and all the lads of Onoir, I won't be getting to see or hear them in person this weekend or see him light up in a big glowing heart lit smile as I've gotten accustomed to seeing every week -- and I've just felt such a sorrow inside me over that truth.  Which I didn't see coming and rather surprised me. Because I've spent a lot of my life loving music and befriending (and dating) musicians and singers, but I've never had the missing heartsick sorrow over the absence instead of presence and not knowing when I'll see them next and feeling it as a wrongness in my life rather than accepting "this is how it is and how this works and I'll see them again as soon as our paths cross once more." That has had me very surprised by the truth of this isness and pensive about the weight it's put upon my heart and curious about the why of it all this week.  And it did blindside me -- for how could I have expected that of anyone who I'd never met or crossed paths with in this life before 27 days ago?

I don't know that I hold any expectations inside me of anything going further with Keith or Andrea or Diarmaid or anyone from within the Irish music scene -- after all it's a small close knit scene where everybody knows everything about everyone so I've never dated within the Irish music scene community because any messiness would be sooooo messy. Messier than any of my past relationships making me decide to keep temporary people distinct from permanent people in my life as much as possible.  But I'm at least going to be honest about what it is I'm feeling. And right now, I'm missing Seo Linn but I'm more strongly missing genuinely sad inside over not seeing Diarmaid and the other guys of Onoir this weekend and not even knowing when I'll next cross paths with them.

It is what it is and I will see how it all unfolds and what happens.  It's just a bit funny to me, the intensity of my heart aching over not seeing someone this weekend as I have for the past 4 weekends when they're someone I'd never set eyes on in this lifetime before a month ago.

I actually haven't had much going on this week -- Tues night dinner for the soft opening of the new Vintage Brewing Co location in Cross Plains and finally watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics with my mum and Crissy, tomorrow (today now) Mikaela (my little sister cousin unrelated to me; she's an only child and I was in university when she was born and her mom, who has worked at my parents store since I was 13 or so was like a bonus aunt unrelated tome; Sarah never had any other kiddos, so I remain the closest thing Mikaela has ever had to a sibling even though I'm so much older than her) is coming over to hang out with me and the animals during the day (her college classes started already this Monday) which will be just hanging out with the fur babies and drinking coffee/tea and reading and chatting when we both feel like it. And then Sunday tickets to see this production of King Lear at APT with Mikaela, Crissy, Denis, and Karissa. Then next week is also pretty slow in my life (my plan is to use it for catching up on chores and reading -- in all the weeks of Irish fest season, while I got some reading done, I didn't have enough hours in the day/week for me to FINISH any of the books I was in the middle of reading...) Which is pretty well on point for Virgo season -- tidying up and getting the laundry done and reading and taking care of my plants and giving myself some hermit introvert recharge time for a bit. Honest truly, next week other than fitting in my hours of work for next week all my have tos are that next Thursday I'm taking my grandma to an appointment and on the Saturday I need to check in on Henry for Crissy while she's up north visiting her dad. 

But anyway, if you wanted to know the state of my heart: 1) I'm not feeling anything at all beyond the acceptance of the way it is regarding coming to terms about the third party attachments to Eric that have created the blocks and obstacles on anything happening there and that as long as they exist I'm not going to allow myself rapprochement without changing the toxic dynamics because it's just a repeating cycle and I don't need to keep cutting myself on the same damn nails that ain't changing and 2) I'm surprised at the sorrowing and heart hurting in me over not seeing some of the people from my Irish fest season, and while I expected to miss Keith and the Seo Linn guys, the most surprising emptiness and sorrow over it is not getting to see Diarmaid this weekend when he's someone I'd not even crossed paths with in this lifetime a month ago. Sometimes it be like that. And as to the why of it and the what will come of it, I don't know -- right now I'm just letting me feel what I feel and acknowledge the truths in that.