O!!!!!
I just found an answer I've been seeking since I was like 17 or 18 on the longest of my novel manuscripts that my ADHD has let me work on. (In addition to getting distracted by the shiny joyous moments in being alive, I also get distracted by my new shiny ideas for new projects compulsion to start on them without finishing old projects because once I figure out how a story goes, I don't feel the compulsion to finish writing it out unless someone is asking me for next chapters actively or having to knuckle down doing the practical work to publish/market a finished manuscript. (I'm really terrible at selling myself this life and it's huge part of why I really just don't get influencer culture and everything about it gives me intense icks at a soul deep level -- I just want to do me and be loved by those who align with and can love that. Selling myself FEELS like curating what I show of myself so as to best make others admire me or buy what I'm selling (and I got a surfeit in my last life of being adored on a pedestal but never truly SEEN) rather than what I desire to do this life where I just want to put my energy into being as stripped to the bone honest as I can be and being seen and loved for that bare bones honesty and realness of my isness in this life and this body.) Anyway, this novel is like 250+ pgs single spaced manuscript and it started as me wanting to write a novel in defense of the fairy tale and its purpose because it wasn't what sold or worked in the publishing literary world at the time I started writing it. And that's no longer true, fairy tale and myth retellings are one of the best selling types of fantasy and ya in recent years -- sometimes I just have to find what needs correcting and the Universe pushes it into being after I identify it. And I ADORE these characters and the story of it. But it had some flaws that made it feel unpublishable (and not just because it's a three step quest fairy tale format and I'm not even halfway through the first quest where I last was working on it -- AND I already have like half dozen FOLLOWUP novels within the world building that I want to do as companion novels/series) BUT my structure had some very major feeling pacing issues that I didn't have solved that I just told myself "I'll solve this before I get to the second novel/quest" vagueness. And recently I've been feeling this intense urge to go back into it and work on this novel that is already SUCH a deep passion project commitment without any plan for finishing/publishing, just wanting to write it because I love it that I made me set aside and I've been fighting this inner battle of, "No, that's unpublishable in its current form, you DO need to work on your real writing because time is passing and you're not getting anywhere in it and it's your life purpose this life -- go work on your post-apocalyptic dystopian vampire novel first in a trilogy that you love working on and KNOW is publishable if you finish the damn manuscript!" And yet... And yet.... I love that dystopian vampire novel and the world I've built for it, and I WANT to finish it, I want it to exist, I want people to have it -- and yet I've been staring at the blank page and just no words will come and cussing myself out over it (and being not very nice to myself if I'm honest for being a failure even at making progress in the thing I love and WANT to be doing with my spare hours of life and that I know is what I'm meant to do with my life this lifetime) because for the last while since March, the only REAL writing I've been wanting to do at a soul impulse level in any of my various manuscripts is in the loooong novel/trilogy manuscript that I felt unpublishable but which everyone who has ever read gets sucked into has theories about where I'm going and demand chapters of me.....
Anyway, just now tonight, I FINALLY structurally solved the worst of my pacing issues (in the second quest/novel) I felt the long form fairy tale manuscript had that forced me to pause EVEN THOUGH I hadn't yet finished the first quest/novel....
And I have SUCH a rush of joy about it!!!!!!! Because I found the answer and my overly practical bullying perfectionist aspect in me that hasn't been letting me work on it FINALLY admitted, "O that would work... if you do that, this is ABSOLUTELY publishable and the current bookstagram-booktok publishing world will eat it up and you won't be able to write the novels in this series/world building fast enough...." And having found the answer, I FINALLY gave myself the inner permission to work some more on the manuscript I WANT to be working on since like March-ish but haven't let me and so haven't been able to do any real writing which has made me feel really down and shitting on myself and short on words for not doing what I KNOW I'm supposed to be doing... AND I've been so money stressed, somehow I'm just barely squeaking by all the time since I stopped my real writing and I KNOW it's the Universe trying to kick my arse into gear make me uncomfortable to prod me into doing what I'm meant to be doing with my life -- money flow always gets hard for me when I ignore my calling/life purpose no matter how hard I try and how little I let me spend and how frugal I force myself to be in every possible aspect of my life.... But then the stressing about that has had me spinning out spinning my gears getting nowhere on the financial tightness and eating up so much of my time/energy/attention of the anxieties of not knowing how to make things work that I can't do the ONE single thing that I KNOW makes the Universe ease up on me let money wander and find me to be able to comfortably wander along.... And like, my solution was literally the illogic of, "I have no money so I can't afford to buy groceries or food and I lost everything stored up in the freezer when my old fridge died and so I need to not eat much at all stretch my resources thin hardly eating anything at all except rice and beans and whatever I can scrounge" which has just had me tired and feeling worthless and headachey/light headed and hangry not my most patient or kindest self.... Being at my sister's family, they made sure I ate and slept, regularly, and took care of all my meals like they always do when I'm there and I started to feel enough better to feel I can tackle the practical and make me have the energy to real writing... And then also, feeling shitty about myself and that I can't make anything work or do anything right is part of me being so down on myself telling myself to move on from the bond because I'm not anything he wants anyway and I HAVE been guilty of that sort of self-sabotage self-speaking, even if I didn't share about it.... I've not been nice to myself or feeling I'm being a good worthwhile version of me as a result of the financial tightness and one thing after another in recent months which is entirely due to the Universe screwing the thumbnails on me for not doing anything with my real writing even though I know better..... And it's been a shitty feedback loop cycle recently...
And that might be TOO honest sharing, even for this space, on verra.
All I want to do right now is go home and immerse myself back into that novel/world right NOW because I have my solution but I can't let me because I'm at work need to get hours in AND since I can't right this moment, I just want to write when I get home BUT I'll need to make me sleep because of driving to Spring Green for the play and then back tomorrow (today now) evening.... So I need to figure out how to balance this and tap into the time/drive I have right now after figuring this out without putting myself or anyone else at risk....
Maybe the current rain/thunderstorms in the forecast for Friday will materialize so we decide not to drive to Milwaukee and go to outdoor Summerfest grounds because the winds/tornadoes and heavy rains would make that an unsafe drive and a miserable outdoor fest experience.... And then I can have Friday for real writing.....
But anyway, I've solved a plot structural issue plaguing me for literally a decade making me feel that my favorite manuscript to write in wasn't publishable.... And I LIKE the answer and it solved another questionable issue in pacing that surprised me but felt right as I was writing it to make the seeming detour have a narrative plot structure purpose down the line that will feel natural to the reader but also makes me go, "O! That's why this episode and new characters insisted on unfolding and taking so many pages complicating this without advancing the main plot narrative!"
I'll get back into the dystopian vampire novel when my heart is invested once more in writing it, but I have to let me fix up this long manuscript and work in it while it's calling me before I can force me to make progress in the other manuscript world building. I can wish all I want that I was more plodding less impulsive and more regimented in how I approached things, but I'm not like that. I'm not a slow and steady habit forming planning type person, I'm an enthusiastic impulsive ADHD curiosity/joy driven soul and I know it about myself. (I'm a bit of a fey creature of chaos who does most everything by intuition rather than planning... your best laid plans oft will go aglay with me if you try to make a plan involving or for me rather than letting me know about it or letting flow dictate create magical isness of what unfolds. Not that you can't make plans or try to create happy surprises for me, I ADORE happy surprises more than just about anything else in the world, but just know that if you try that route then the Universe may redirect frustrate your plans without me even knowing how/why random seeming choices of mine based on opportunities I know to be available to me in the unfolding near future have just destroyed the carefully laid out plan you had but never made sure I knew about.) Don't ever lie to yourself about your own truths or you'll spend a long time having to undo all the work you've done when you realize why it all took you wrong and awry from where you wanted to be....Another truth about my nature: I've never been a methodical step by step linear progression person -- I've always been a jump in the deep end trust the waters and "let's find out if I'll sink or swim" person. It applies to how I go about anything I get it into my head I want to do, not just about swimming -- but it's also a literal truth about how I treated water/swimming even when I was still not able to swim better than dog paddle and knowing to hold my breath when my head was under water. Jump in the deep end, do it with the whole heart committed or not at all is my way -- I'm not a step by step easing into it person. Never have been and I'm not in this lifetime either.
Anyway, I would be denying my own nature and lying to myself (and you) if I pretended I could get me to work on even my own most exciting passion project loves when my enthusiasm spark of inspiration muse is distracted by a shiny manuscript project... And so as I KNOW myself, I must allow me to work on POGL and get that moving along before I can stare at the blank pages in FFV and feel the words flowing into me and through me exactly right to keep the dystopian vampire novel manuscript growing.
Also, I'm so happy and excited I FINALLY found the answer to that pacing/structural block and feel I can let me work on POGL once more!!! And I love the answer and it's so elegant and was staring me in the face this whole time all these years and I just couldn't see it.... Sometimes I be fallible like that, can't see the obvious even when I'm seeking it because it's so obvious I don't even see that the blindspot is the answer..... But then when I DO see it, the epiphany is just gorgeous and elegant and lights me up. This is one of those for me! And I just can't stop grinning over it and wanting to dance like a star twinkles for my joy in finding this answer and the elegance and loveliness and "feels just exactly rightness" of it!!!!!!
Also. My July has some things in the calendar but is (relatively) light and wanting to do my REAL writing will help me knuckle down get the adulting done and done right the first time so I can have time/energy for real writing.
P.S. Also. I'm sorry. I owe an apology. To Eric and myself and the Universe and the bond -- but most especially to Eric. For the way my inner self has been too often during these recent months. So I'm sorry. For being a stoic perfectionist with ADHD who is too hard on herself and asks too much of herself and gets down on herself for failing her own created unrealistic expectations and then projects them onto other people tells me they're only seeing me through that lens. It leads me to self-sabotaging what i want and what I KNOW I want in the name of telling myself until I believe it that it can't possibly be what he wants.... I don't want to go into it all right this moment, but I should do so at some point soonerish and dig into myself do some more shadow work and stop trying to believe that he sees me through the lens I see me when I am the hardest on myself and therefore he can do better and has enough other options he doesn't want/need me and wouldn't even miss me or feel my absence. Anyway. I'm sorry for the sabotaging self-talk I was engaging in that bled into projection telling me he must see me the same way and I should build my life and choices accordingly. I will try to be better. And I will try to listen for his truth from him without assumptions (positive or negative) about what I think it might be but instead truly listening for what it is he is saying and has to communicate..... I don't promise immediate success, but I can promise to work on it the best I can and to actively strive to be better than I have been about listening for his ISNESS truths instead of assuming/projecting either what I want or what I don't want.
P.P.S. Yes of COURSE my fairy tale is a love story with a happy ending -- how else could it be a fairy tale without a happily ever after on the other side of the quests/tribulations? I've told you before and I'll tell you again, I am a completely hopeless optimist and hopeful romantic and even my own head can't keep me down for long from believing in true love winning out in the end. Even my post-apocalyptic dystopian vampire series has love story(ies) woven through it that have happy endings and hope for the future. Even my most pessimistic stories/novels are love stories in their own broken-hearted "chance/fate destroyed this coming real" ways.
P. P. P. S. This was the post from Leah Whitehouse on the astrology of the coming day and it aligns so well with everything that clicked into place inside me tonight"
"Mercury in Cancer trine Pallas retrograde in Scorpio. Moon in Pisces trine Mercury and Pallas – A quick moving Grand Trine is in play today, connecting mind, emotions and creative intelligence. Here is a way through, says Pallas. With some willpower, you can change things. With a willingness to investigate, you’ll find the truths required to transform your life. Trust your instincts, the little line of a song that comes to you upon awakening, the repeated symbol or name that echoes from seemingly every avenue. Pay attention because life is giving you a clue as to the next step.
Dream yourself a dream. Let yourself be filled with wonder. Imagine the possibilities. Talk about your feelings with those who matter to you. Explore patterns around fear and intimate bonds, the attachments you claim yet hold yourself one step away from. Maybe it’s time to go all in, dive deep, trust. Open your inner eye. Let there be miracles and magic on a quiet afternoon."
It made me smile feel the synchronicity and alignment of my inner world and her horoscope for today (Thurs.)
P.P.P.P.S. I really really really really want to wrap my arms around Eric and say, "Let's finally choose to make this real and try to build together a shared path from here. Please can we do that?" And just have us both be on the same page wanting that and choosing to make that fateline into reality for ourselves. To want it together at the same time and to both be ready/willing/needing to choose it at the same time. I don't KNOW that it's the timing for it, I just know I WANT it more than I want anything else the world and this society as it is in this portion of space/time has to offer me.
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